Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Insert Clever Post Title Here

I'm finally home after a loooooooong trip. There was much fun, merriment and 10 cent martinis. How can that not be good?

I do have a lot I want to write about but am still processing some of it. My December resolution (why wait until New Year's Day?) is to post much more. I'm not working, not traveling and actually have things to write about so I shall be writing.

New Orleans was totally amazing in ways both good and heartbreaking. I definitely have a lot to say about our trip there.

DC was good but soooooo cold. I survived by shopping (new hat, scarf, gloves and tall black boots) and drinking (that's the family part of it).

We decided to tell our families about TNPL in an email since things seemed to go well. We knew there would be much trip planning while we were in DC and both the mister and I felt strongly about not stealing his brother and partner's thunder.

My MIL was so excited when she got the email that she couldn't nap. How cute is that? How much of a switch from the evil woman who confronted me nearly 4 years ago and spouted off about why we should do donor eggs (at least it would be the mister's baby) and how you never know what you'd get with adoption! There is hope for her after all.

I don't think there's much hope this particular situation will work out though. We haven't heard from TNPL since our canceled meeting. I left a message while we were in New Orleans and another once we got home. I still had some hope until after the second message.

I talked to our consultant today. She had also left 2 messages with no response. She said that probably 9 out of 10 expectant moms who consider adoption do this kind of dance where they consider adoption, read some profiles, maybe even meet with prospective adoptive parents, then disappear. It's often too hard and shameful to let the PAPS know that plans have changed. I hope that isn't the case with TNPL because we, of course, support and honor whatever she decides to do. And we truly wish her and her baby all the very best.

Yes it's disappointing, I'm not going to lie. But it's really as bad as you might think. I know another situation will work out. I just don't know when. Much like our first NPL this seemed almost too easy and too good to be true. But most importantly this really isn't about us. I think it's easier because we've given up all semblance of control: we have surrendered.

In six years of infertility we've never had any control. Oh sure we tried to find things we could control like diet, supplements, positive thinking. But that's all artificial. Truly none of us have any control. That's the hardest part to get past but once you do, it's very freeing.

It's also easier because it's hoops season, baby! My boys in blue are off to a fabulous start and provide a nice diversion. In fact there's a game tonight! Go Heels!

It Rode Us All the Way to New Orleans

I didn't want to leave town without an update. Unfortunately I don't have much of an update but do have a request.

TNPL had to cancel today's meeting due to a family medical emergency. I missed her call early this morning (bummer) but left her a message telling her we were thinking of her and her family and sending good wishes and thoughts. So if any of you have any spare good thoughts please put them out in the universe for her family.

We were hoping to have an official "match" today and that was our current requirement for parental (and family) notification. Now I'm not entirely sure we should tell everyone. I'm leaning towards telling them but don't want to have to constantly update and explain. It wouldn't be such a big issue except the mister's 'rents are planning a 50th Anniversary family trip - right over the due date of TNPL in January. I'd feel much more comfortable planning something in February instead but that means spilling the beans about TNPL. Oh and we're going to be spending Thanksgiving with most of the mister's family so it's not like we can go radio silence.

In other news, the mister and I leave early early EARLY tomorrow am for New Orleans. Woot woot! This is Sabbatical Phase 2. We'll be there for a full week! Our plans are to mostly eat and drink our way through the city. We have gotten some great recommendations from our friend Bebe but feel free to pile them on here.

Then we're headed to Washington DC for 10 days of family (his), friends (both of ours) and fun (for everyone!). I'm super stoked to meet my very favorite in-law's relatives. And because I'm not a very nice person I'm also stoked that my least favorite bil won't be able to make it.  I have offered to be my very fave in-law's sous chef and serve at his beck and call. Here's to no repeats of the infamous Sweet Potato episode (he would never be that passive aggressive or rude) of several years ago.

But for now the Big Easy is calling...hurricanes, po' boys, beignets and more. Yummmmmmm.

Super Quick Update

I'm running around today trying to get ready for a Halloween party the mister and I decided to host. I still have a ton of things to make/do but wanted to at least offer a brief update. Y'all are too kind to keep checking when I am one of the worst posters lately.

Dinner was great. This NPL (perhaps I'll call her TNPL for a bit) is super nice (much like the last one) and we really really like her. She really really likes us as well. I think she had memorized our profile. She knew every word of it (down to the color of our kitchen which we mention in our profile).

We also met her mom briefly which was great. They live a little more than an hour north of us in a town we drove through a lot when we were going to and from the river.

TNPL  is from a country we love and spent a few weeks in about 6 years ago. I think it's very interesting that both NPLs we've really talked to are from another country. I'm not sure it's very typical but it did give us a lot to talk about!

Dinner went great. There was a lot of talking. There were a few awkward pauses. I'm sure that's all to be expected. She wants to move forward with us. We're not sure how this will all work but we said we'd love to do that and get to know her over the next bit. She's due in January!

So that's where we are. Right now we're hoping for more dinners or lunches or video game marathons or whatever TNPL would like to do to get to know each other.

It Got Better

I haven't written much about our monthly adoption meetings lately. We didn't go for a couple of months for obvious reasons (at least obvious to us). We didn't want to have our first check-in back with NPL in attendance. We wanted to give her the space and the support of the group when she needed it the most. We never want her to hear what we had to say about our experiences with Mrs. Vulture-Hag and her over-the-top aggressive lawyer. So we skipped June. And then we skipped July when they were all there with the new baby. There wasn't an August meeting, thanks to Labor Day but there were two in September and we went to both. And we made it to October's meeting last weekend.

And it's been really good.

We missed seeing the other people in the group. It was so awesome to see some recent successes. One of our very favorite couples was there with their brand new daughter last weekend.

We also got to hear some stories both shocked us and helped prepare us for the future. Our consultant talked about a couple of recent experiences with social workers who are too new and too green and just don't "get it". One of them in particular had a young woman in tears. Ms Consultant is a kick-ass advocate for the expectant moms she works with and for prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) in the midst of difficult situations. We remembered why we chose her.

I know many of you have questioned having both expectant moms and PAPs at these meetings. I honestly feel this is a really good thing. The last meeting was an example of how nice this can be for all. I think that very few expectant moms have the chance to have a strong network of other expectant moms/birthmoms. I know how much support I get from my friends who have been down this path. It's tremendously important to me and I am so very grateful to have that.

At the last meeting there was one expectant mom (due in a week or so) and 4 birthmoms with kids ranging from 5 years to 2 months. The very pregnant girl is very scared about a lot of things and who can blame her? And she had a chance to talk for a long time 1:1 with some very supportive women who have truly been there. She's in counseling (another great thing about the service) but having some sisters of the heart is incredibly powerful.

The last meeting was also a bit surreal because there was a camera crew from that music television channel. They're doing an in-depth program on teen pregnancy that will air next spring. The camera crew was fairly unobtrusive. Maybe we'll all be video stars next year.

I started this post planning only to write about how nice the last few meetings have been for us and how much better we're feeling about things. There's even more to feel better about today. We got a call yesterday from a nice pregnant lady. She's talked to our consultant a couple of times and was sent our profile. She really liked it. She's very interested in meeting us as soon as possible. So we're having dinner with her tonight! Now I'm off to bake some treats for our party tomorrow night and that will give me something to take to this nice pregnant lady.

Getting Back in the Groove

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! Makes this old dog feel a lot better.

We're off to our real house for a night to attend an adoption support group meeting, the mister's mysterious ship party (something geeks do after working on a big project for years when their game is finally out and flying off the shelves), and get some quality time with our kitten.

Life on the river is flowing right along. We've had a more relaxing time. We found a fabulous yoga class that meets in a local community center. It feels so good to be this good to my body. I've really missed yoga but just haven't had the energy to be able to do those kind of things.

We've also spent a tremendous amount of time working on our adoption website. We've been working with an amazing woman who does great work. It's a good thing we've had this much time to concentrate on it because even with her doing all the heavy lifting it's taken huge chunks of our time. It's about 90% done today and should get finished tonight or tomorrow night. Then we'll add the statcounter, link to a few carefully-selected-by-our-consultant adoption sites, and wait for the phone to ring. We recently found out that our 800 number is a little too close to one of those cable companies. Perhaps we should just offer to start taking those credit card payments people are offering up?

I'm happy to share our site with anyone who'd like to see it. We're pleased as trash can punch as how it's looking but I'd love to get feedback on it. Just shoot me an email or leave yours in the comments. I'll likely be posting the link in my Facebook status as well for those of you that are on Facebook. And if you're on Facebook but we aren't friends, why the hell not? I need more people to send plants and save the rainforest.

Playing a little catchup

Well this Monday was easy-peasy as far as Mondays go. Or at least as far as they go lately.

Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? Bad millie. BAD MILLIE.

I suppose a lot has happened (and nothing much) in the last two weeks. We had a couple of frustrating calls with our consultant. We had a really nice meeting with her assistant. I think that was last Monday but my brain is a big foggy.

Thank for all the great comments and even greater support. I feel like a broken record but it really does mean a great deal.

We're still not thrilled with our consultant. We're pretty sure she's not thrilled with us. But we have found a way for it to work, for at least the foreseeable future. Her assistant is a total love and gets us. And gets why we're so upset about all of this. She gave us some very concrete ways of dealing with all of this and offered to run interference as much as she can. We met with her for a couple of hours in the middle of the day last week (um, can you say "work from home'?) and it was just such a relief. We've missed seeing her and she's missed us. It's awfully nice to be missed.

She hooked us up with the most amazing adoption site web designer and we're going gangbusters on our web site. We'd hoped to get it done for free by a friend but that's been dragging on for a bit. I think it will be done in another 2 weeks. We already have the domain and the 800 number so this is the last piece. We also got very specific feedback about which sites to link to and which to avoid/not bother with. This will be great because we do have some folks in other states looking out for us and it will be so awesome to just send them to the site.

Last week we went to a drop-in monthly support group for waiting families that our local infertility/adoption group is sponsoring. It was actually GREAT. I think both the mister and I were a bit surprised at how much we both got out of it because lately our attitude has been more along the lines of "why do I want to meet a bunch of other people that are gonna get their kids before us".  It helped tremendously that the lovely luna and her fine man were there. There was another couple who'd been waiting about the same time as us (also domestic), one lone couple doing international (and I felt so bad for them that no one else could commiserate and they're in the whole "our country closed" horrible space) and one couple that had just had a rough patch. Both of the facilitators were adoptive moms and one was a therapist. It really was a great group. We're looking forward to meeting again or getting another more structured group going.

One thing that was so clear from the other group members was the general lack of support most people feel. The blogosphere has been such an amazing source of comfort, support and friendship to me that I want EVERYONE to have something like that and that just doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe luna and I will convince everyone to hang out a shingle.

So all the adoption stuff just feels better.

Oh there was an icky part to this Monday. I guess I blanked it out. I had 11 vials of blood drawn. 11. And not a Spinal Tap sort of 11. I had my regular thyroid stuff, annual physical stuff and, just for kicks, infections disease bloodwork as well. It's nearly my birthday and that's how I like to celebrate. For those of you playing along at home, this is the SIXTH straight set of infectious disease blood-work I've had done. Six years of blood-work and no baby yet. I wonder if my lab will through in the 7th for being such a frequent flayer.

The lab was pretty slow today and there were too many idiots like me who decided to take care of everything on a Monday morning. Did I mention it was fasting blood-work? I nearly fainted. Good times.

Then the mister and I went and test drove a couple of cars. We weren't going to buy a car until January but I found out over the weekend there is a certain Zoom Zoom car company that makes a hybrid only available HERE. With a full tax credit. And heated leather seats.

So we tried the zoomy car and we also drove the Sub@ru F0r3ster that we thought we were likely to buy. They are very very similar and we're trying to decide. If you internets have any opinions, bring 'em on. Our goal is to fit one baby, two dogs and a stroller in something. As my love friend from Arkansas pointed out, we might end up with twins. In which case we won't leave the house for several years and the dogs will never get walked again.

Best news of all: THREE DAYS OF WORK LEFT!!!!!! I'm soooooo very excited. And sooooo very done. We're heading north to the lovely SeaTac airport (and surrounding environs) to visit many friends (hoping to see Ms Emily/Scrambled Eggs and perhaps Ms Michele during that time but I've been too busy to email them so perhaps they'll read this). Then we'll be living on the lovely Russian River in NorCal for a month of resting, reading, hot tubbing, dog walking, drinking, biking, yogaing, and napping.

What is it with Mondays?

It seems like it's the same song second verse. This time I'm far less happy about the situation.

The mister and I left town on Friday to go camping (for the first time in 2 years). There was an email from our consultant announcing a situation, for anyone who was interested. We called the consultant within minutes of the email but no answer. Oh and she doesn't have a cell phone so don't even think about that. We called her assistant. We sent emails to both but did not hear back while we were in cell range. We left messages everywhere telling them we were very interested and please submit our profile. We'd be back Monday night but could come back earlier if necessary.

We drove to another site specifically to check emails and voicemails. Nothing.

Finally we heard back on Sunday and called back right away. We learned a bit more about the situation and that only one other family in the service was interested. We said we'd be back Monday night and were told that should be fine.

We ended up coming back a day earlier for a number of reasons but a big one was to meet this nice nearly due lady.

This morning we left messages and sent emails. No word for six hours. Then the word came and it did not make either of us happy.

The nice nearly due lady really liked the other couple and doesn't want to meet with anyone else. Apparently our consultant didn't tell her there were two couples interested. She didn't schedule anything (although she told me she had).

I totally get that she likes them and have no problem with that at all. But I'm really frustrated with our consultant. It seems like every situation is "unusual" and "just can't be predicted".  The mister called her back about something else and she said "well, you should have taken copies of your profile with you and you could have mailed one on Saturday". He asked why she didn't mail one and she said she was out of them.

OUT OF THEM???? This is the first we've heard that she's even showed our profile to anyone or sent any profiles anywhere much less that she'd given all the ones we gave her away. She gives sample profiles to couples she meet with and I'm wondering if that's what's happened to ours. She told us before that she wouldn't present us without asking first and she's never asked. Now she can't even give us a straight answer about those profiles.

Lately every interaction with her has been frustrating at best. We ask what we could do differently and she doesn't have any answer. We ask ourselves what we'd like to be different with these interactions and we don't have good answers for that either. But definitely more information and at least return calls timely and not just jerk us around. And perhaps keep track of at least whether or not she has our stupid profile.

Do we just never go out of town again? Do we just forget about the thousands of dollars we've paid her and chalk it up as knowledge gained? And if this is one of the most ethical people in adoption, heaven help us all.

Today Put the Manic in Monday

I had plans for today. Plans that involved getting lots of work done and getting back on schedule. It all started off fairly normally: the mister left to take his 'rents to the airport and I left at the same time to go to the pharmacy (I've been off my synthroid for 3 days trying to pick up my refill with the in-laws in town -not good).

I was standing in line at said pharmacy, minding my own business when my cell phone rang. I followed orders (FINISH ALL CELL PHONE CALLS BEFORE STEPPING UP TO THE WINDOW!) and stepped away to take the call.

It was an adoption chick I'd played phone tag with last week. Our social worker had recommended her and I thought I'd see if it might be a good fit for networking, etc.

She asked if I'd be interested in a last minute situation. The nice lady was in labor. She offered to send some info on the nice lady and asked for an electronic copy of our profile. Holy Shit, Batman! That definitely put the Manic into my Monday.

There were a lot of emails back and forth. A medical issue that raised a lot of concerns until I remembered I had a very good friend who could lay out the possibilities for me. A message a baby boy was born. A picture of his mom a bit later. Then the waiting.

I nearly went out of my mind. Beagle chatted me off the ledge and gave me some very helpful tips for preparing for this kind of situation. I then decided to while away the day by shopping and getting the few things we didn't have (diaper bag? check. baby laundry detergent? check. additional cute tiny clothes? check  and check.)

I found myself getting all caught up in the drama of the day. It went from us not sure about whether or not we wanted to be presented to thinking about what would it take if we needed to leave town today. So many emotions! So much nervous energy. My friend pocket gave me the perfect yiddish word to describe it but I was so nervous I couldn't even remember the word! She also suggested I pass the time by organizing the clothes in my closet alphabetically by color (she knew my spices were likely all in a row).

Now I must digress: I don't think I could every organize my clothes that way. I have a number of variables that are taken into account: business vs business casual vs casual, light weight vs heavy (which around here means summer), short sleeves vs long sleeves. Then of course color within each category.

Ok back to the day. I shopped and prepped. I waited impatiently. I thought about the possibilities, always keeping in mind it would never be more than a 50/50 proposition even if we were picked.

I heard back from the adoption chick that while the nice lady liked us a lot we weren't right for her baby. I totally get that but wanted to say "but you haven't even met us". It was  a knee jerk reaction to not getting picked. Of course I totally support her decision. I don't think she'd found what she was looking for in a family today but I hope she gets her whole list.

Mostly I thought "how awful and likely stressful to be thinking about this just a few hours after giving birth." I hope she's getting lots of support in all the ways she might need it. I hope she finds peace and what she's looking for regarding her son. I know the people she's working with have encouraged her to parent and will support her in that if she decides to try that.

And now we're a bit more prepared for a last minute situation. It's still not what either of us would prefer but we'd still take it. This situation had more of the stuff on our Perfect Situation Characteristics but definitely not all of them. The medical thing had us question the entire situation (we're willing to tolerate a lot of risk but there was the possibility of a very rare, lethal genetic disorder) thanks to scary Dr Google.  We did learn we'd need more time to process  and ponder any kind of last minute situation.

But tonight there are freshly laundered baby clothes next to me and the mister is thumbing through a new baby name book. We're hopeful and planning and know that it will work out one day. Today was a fire drill. We're just fine. We're happy tonight thinking about the possibilities of the next call. Or the next.

Please don't feel bad for us when you read this. We're not feeling that at all. Truly. But do send your good thoughts and wishes to the nice lady and her son. And let's all hope I can get some work done tomorrow to pay for all the preparations of today.

One step for right, one step for wrong, step away

I seem to be getting more and more behind. I really do have all these posts swirling around in my head and plan to get them down but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Last weekend was our adoption consultant's monthly group meeting. I can't believe it's been a whole month since that last debacle. Any bets on whether or not we attended?

We were scheduled to go to a 25th anniversary show for one of my fave bands ever, the delicious Camper van Beethovan (this post's title is from one of my favorite songs of theirs). We didn't, for lots of reasons, but that was our excuse for not making the meeting.

Actually we didn't make excuses. I talked to our consultant late last week when she was asking us to drive out and pick up the young couple I wrote about last week. She thought it would be great for them to attend the meeting, you know because the NPL would be there and it would be great for them to talk to the NPL and some other expectant parents and birthparents and such.*

Honestly I do not know what she was thinking. Now in her defense she did ask the NPL if it would be hard seeing us. The NPL was looking forward to it and just worried it would be hard on us. We were worried it would be hard on her.

And since part of the group is about doing check-ins, we knew we couldn't go. We have no desire to ever deal with Mrs Vulture-Hag again (thanks to Anna H for clarifying her name) and our check-in is not something the NPL should have to hear. The next group we attend (and we are contractually obligated to attend 9 in the first year), my check-in likely will be all about how awful it felt to see overt manipulation and coercion and how important it is for us to be as ethical as possible and how we are very happy with taking the high road and will always be able to tell our children those important truths.

Again, not something the NPL needs to hear, don't cha think? So I wrote this very long email to the consultant explaining why we wouldn't be attending:

I wanted to let y'all know we won't be able to make it this weekend. There are a number of reasons and we were planning on bowing out this month but knowing that NPL (and presumably The Vultures will be there) sealed the deal.

I think it would be very uncomfortable for NPL and I am concerned that no one else seems to be considering this. I don't think anything should be done to bring any discomfort to her and I can't imagine seeing us close to her due date would be anything but uncomfortable. We have no problem seeing NPL but worry that it is might be too hard/unfair to her. We truly want to support her but feel the best way to do that would be not to attend.

It was our understanding that The Vultures were not members of the service but that seems to have changed. Please understand that what I am about to say has nothing to do with the fact that The Mister and I were not chosen. This is not sour grapes at all. I don't know if you will believe that but we have thought a great deal about this and truly that is not where this is coming from.

Due to Mrs Vulture-Hag's incredibly bad (and frankly manipulative and coercive) behavior at the last meeting, we do not want to attend any group they attend. We made this decision before we knew they were chosen by NPL. I thought I made myself clear when I spoke to you the day after the last meeting but apparently I as not as clear as I would have liked.

We have no problems with Mr. Vulture. We had no problems with Mrs. Vulture-Hag until we were subjected to her inappropriate behavior at the last group meeting. We choose not to associate with people we consider unethical and manipulative whenever we can and so we are choosing not to interact with her again. Again, no issues with Mr. Vulture or seeing him, only Mrs. Vulture-Hag.

One of the things that is paramount in whatever adoption The Mister and I do, is that it is as ethical as possible. We chose you and your service because of your commitment to providing ethical adoptions. We want to be able to look our children in the eyes and assure them that everything was done with the utmost thought for them and their birth families, and there was no coercion or manipulation. We just want to do as "right" by them as possible.

We were very careful not to use any coercion or manipulation at all with NPL. Frankly, the idea of it turns our stomaches. Now we feel a bit sullied simply by association and that is very troubling indeed. We came to you and your service to hoping to prevent this sort of scenario but know that can't be predicted. We  were very disturbed by Mrs. Vulture-Hag's behavior during the last meeting and do not wish to subject ourselves to anything like that again.

I am not naive. I know there is often a great deal of even subtle manipulation and coercion that goes on in any adoption situation where there is a match. I know you have probably seen much more overt manipulation but that is not the point. I know that expectant mothers don't want to "let down" couples that they like and they often feel an obligation to the couples that they don't even recognize. I've read too much from birthmothers and adoptive parents who later recognized this for the coercion that is is, and had regrets. I do feel that balancing the relationship building in a match/potential match situation with an attempt to eliminate any coercion is a delicate balancing act.

Again, just to reiterate: this truly has nothing to do with not being chosen but with the boorish behavior of a particular women that we prefer not to interact with again. Truly. We're a bit disappointed that the environment we were looking to share has turned out to be unsupportive but we do recognize that isn't something we can control.

Please don't think that we don't blame you for any of this but we would like you to understand why we feel the way we do. We look forward to seeing you both at future meetings but request that you respect our wishes.

Pretty wordy, huh? If you have read this far, you truly deserve a medal. I got back a very speedy and considerate email. I do think she heard my concerns. It really is a shame that at a time we could really use the group's support we felt like it would be a painful place for us and put the NPL in an awkward position. I don't think we'll attend next month as they will all likely be there again (with babe in arms) but after that I am hoping the Vultures just go the fuck away and we can go back to the group.

Our homework this month is to connect with some of the group members and talk about some of the other information that was covered. There are a three couples that live nearby and we like quite a lot so perhaps we'll try for a brunch or something. As luck would have it, one of you lovely readers was at the meeting. I'm only sorry I didn't get to meet you then (or hear how the wedding plans for two of my fave guys are coming along).

Oh and the young couple from last week has likely chosen a single mom we know. One of her children is biracial and she's not likely to get pregnant. Sounds like a good fit for all of them and we wish them the best.

The mister and I are off to my hot and humid home state for a family wedding. We'll be weekending in the only urban loft accommodations in a lovely small town known for being the birthplace of Elizabeth Dole and Cheerwine . And if you don't know what Cheerwine is, my friends, you are totally missing out. I see a lot of Diet Cheerwine and tasty NC bbq and hushpuppies in my very near future.

*I know, I KNOW. One of the posts I'm working on in my head is all about why these meetings can actually be good and the expectant and birthparents do get a lot out of these and why our particular situation was so different. It's coming. I promise.

Well, Stop and Smell the Smoke

It hurts to even look outside the windows here. We have hundreds (there were over 800 at one point) of wildfires in California and the air is just thick with smoke. It's hazy and just getting worse. It hurts to breathe. I don't think there's an end in sight.

So that brought to mind my old friend from the post title. (Quick, someone not named Elana name that artist and song. Way too easy for her). I try to tell myself it's just foggy all the time and conjure up romantic images but it's more like being stuck at a campfire with no smores.

I was my hair and it still smells like smoke. It burns to breathe. This just can't be good for any of us.

In other news we are moving forward on as many fronts as we can find. Garden State sent out a new list and for the first time ever (in something like 3 years I think) there are two sets of embryos that appeal to us. I've also been in talks with the lovely Tertia and Dr Champagne. Tertia has found a mighty fine donor for us and Dr Champagne assures me that we have tons o' sperm in Cape Town so I could do another solo trip.

And we got a call out of the blue on Monday from our local adoption agency. We took classes with them and they did our home study. They offer a la carte pricing so we chose not to use their outreach services (they work with tons of folks and often have a really long wait). Anyway they are working with an expectant birthmother and have done a lot of reaching out to other groups all across Northern California and have not had success. So they thought we might be interested.

Yes, please!

So our profile will be shown to the young lady in question. She has a list of her own and it's fairly short. We meet 2 out of 3 requirements so perhaps she'll pick us. One of her requirements is a biracial couple and that seems to be the sticking point. Can you believe there is not a single biracial couple in Northern California who are interested in an open adoption? Seriously. We have heard the efforts the agency has gone to and unfortunately for the young lady she might have to choose between geographic closeness and ethnicity.

She's also been matched twice already. Both couples got pregnant. BOTH. Can you imagine the pain that must have caused her? At least they told her. If she wants to meet with us, we do plan on telling her we might be adding to our family through both adoption and donor gametes.

We don't have a lot of other information at this point but what we do know matches up nicely with my list from that recent post. I'm still ruminating on my list and truly appreciate all the input from you guys. You had some very thoughtful and thought provoking comments.

So smoke or no smoke, we're marching ahead. It's good to have multiple plates spinning in the air again. I thought the mister might not agree but, like always, we seem to be on exactly the same page.

Oh and one last thing. Guess what I scored on craigslist yesterday? The coolest baby hammock in the world, in exactly the color that I wanted, at a substantial discount. Now if I could just find a wii fit.

Still Hangin On

Ok so it's been a much harder week than I predicted. I knew the mister and I would be a bit down but I thought we'd both bounce back pretty quickly. We are bouncing back don't get me wrong but I've realized how much I was counting on this situation to work out and am very disappointed that it didn't.

I have had many good distractions this past week and that has helped tremendously. Last Friday was full of pizza and Firefly (kudos to Oro for knowing her sci-fi tv...perhaps we share an affection for the oh-so-yummy captain?). Saturday was yet another long volunteer-oriented day for me but it was actually very fun and inspiring and all that stuff it should be.

A little digression: please help me in welcoming a new blogger to our fold, the lovely IVF Diva of the new blog IVF Drama. She's a vet, through and through, and I'm hoping her current cycle is lucky #4. We're in the same volunteer group and share a love of those Real Housewives, when we aren't talking needles and drugs. So go say hi and welcome her to the blogosphere.

After a long hard day of saving the world in my pumps and pearls, I cooked a lovely dinner for Initial Girl and Sandal Boy. Oh it was so very very nice to have them visit. We did lots of eating and talking but not enough bridge playing. Guess we'll have to take a trip up to the Seattle to see them (and the very sweet Emily who we all miss so much and who sends the best cards when a girl needs them the most and perhaps the lovely Michelle as well).

Sunday I jetted off to Vegas to hang with Katrina and her high school buddies. They were kind enough to let me horn in on their fun. I must admit that Vegas is not my kind of town. First, it's just way too smokey. I live in a state that is practically cigarette free so the casinos do me in. BUT a half day at the Bellagio spa was just what the doctor ordered and it was very cool to hang with Vegas Virgins who had a lot of fun whatever we were doing. That part was infectious. I am sure it will ruin my reputation but I can not stay out late and drink like my younger, wilder days so I don't have wild with which to regale you.

Tuesday was straight back to work although I managed to work from home three days this week. It's been nice hanging out at home even though it's a bit melancholy. I told the folks at work that the NPL situation didn't work out since they needed to know for planning purposes.

Did I mention that one of the guys I work most closely with is going to become a first time dad in the next couple of weeks? Yah, that makes this so much easier. (not) Luckily I missed their shower thanks to my volunteer commitment.

Ok. This is turning out to be quite a bit whinier than I planned. Time to turn this post around.

Please know that all of your comments mean the world to me and the mister. Truly. I owe so many of you responses and am continually awed by your kindness and support. I also have lots of posts swirling around in my head and I do have things of more substance to write about in the coming days.

Here's a taste: I promise to talk about the monthly meetings and why I actually do think it's a good idea to have expectant parents and prospective adoptive parents together. How our situation was so unusual. How we'll never let that happen again. The jonesing I'm getting for another donor cycle or so while we wait. Next steps with adoption (or how to get a friend to build a website).

But I think I want to end this post with a list of things that are important to me for a match situation, many of which were not part of this last situation. While this last situation would have been nice for a number of reasons it was far from our "perfect situation". I know I got all caught up in the drama and my affection for NPL but if I'm being completely honest it was not a perfect situation. We were very concerned that the only info we'd have on the birthdad would be a first name and a city. I know there are situations like that but one compelling reason we want to do open domestic adoption is that our children could have as much information as possible. I know there is no real perfect situation but if I'm making a wish list here's what I'd want on that list:

• Involvement of both expectant birthmother and birthfather
• Medical histories on both sides
• Good prenatal care, or at least some from somewhat early on
• Chance to have both sides (including other relatives) involved in open adoption
• If that's not possible, then at least as much info to give our kid as possible
• Shared experiences/values
• Both sides working with therapist with good knowledge of adoption issues
• Strong reason for expectant parents/families not to parent
• Birth families live somewhere that we'd like to spend a lot of time (I know this one might sound superficial but what I'm getting at is if they aren't close to where we live now, our perfect match might be one of our home states or somewhere we already visit or would love to visit because I'd hope we'd spend time there regularly and would hope they'd want to visit us as well)

What else should I add to my list? If you were thinking about your perfect match or situation, what would be important to you? If you've been through this, what mattered or what ended up not mattering to you? Don't be shy.

Taking the High Road

Turns out taking the high road is a lonely one. We just found out minutes ago the NPL chose the other couple. We're sad and disappointed, of course, but truly wish all of them well. We know what a difficult decision this was for her and are touched by how she let us know.

We are proud of the way we've handled the situation and wouldn't do anything differently.

We're really ok. I've been wanting to write a lot more this week and respond to many of your comments because there was some good stuff in there but, once again work-wise, it's been one of those weeks.

Lucky for me Initial Girl and Sandal Boy are coming to town for a short visit. And then I get to meet up with a crazy tarheel in Vegas so I will have many opportunities to console myself.

For now there is a pizza waiting. And some nice diversionary dvds to watch. Name this show:

We will rule over all this land and we will call it ... THIS LAND.

Shiny

Where do we go and how come it's so hard?

Saturday was one of those busy days. The mister has a rule: one "thing" per day. I don't follow that rule but today I"m wishing I did. I had three things planned on Saturday and I did all three, but not sure I did any of them well.

My morning started with a 5k. The theme was "I run for chocolate and champagne" so how could I resist? And it was a fund-raiser for one of my fave local charities that provides awesome services for girls. It was by women, for women so you know it was well organized. I haven't been back to boot camp since the great Whooping Cough Epidemic of 2008 so I figured it would kick my ass.

My ass survived and I had fun: walking along the bay with my dear friend and just enjoying being out.

Then I rushed off to The City for a fun-filled afternoon of parliamentary procedure training. What? Do aren't as turned on by Robert's Rules as I am? Interesting. I do love me so parliamentary procedure. The second half of the training was focused on a newer version that's a bit more flexible and friendly but I'm sure no one is interested in this aspect of my day.

The third thing on my agenda was the monthly support group/educational meeting hosted by our adoption consultant. It's always a long day and a lot of information but yesterday it was  painful.

The mister got a ride with another lady in "the service". My plan was to meet him there but a bit later in the day. I am so very sorry now that I wasn't there from the beginning. He had a horrid time and he needed me there.

So what happened? The other couple who NPL is considering were there again (and this month they gave NPL and her mom a ride) and apparently they're feeling more than a bit competitive. My mister went out of his way to be nice to them, to try to let them know this really wasn't a competition and we were totally cool.

They were not cool.

During the "check ins" (which everyone who has ever been to any kind of support group can relate to), Mrs Vulture was incredibly inappropriate. She had already staked her claim on NPL and didn't want anyone else close to her. Apparently during her check in she went on and on about how "healing" it was for her to have been talking to NPL and how they will likely match and how NPL has helped her work through some of her infertility issues and given her a reason to hope again. All while stroking NPL's shoulders or touching her.

I missed this heinously inappropriate display by about 10 minutes. When I got there, I could see the mister was visibly shaken but trying to be cool. When he did his check in, he mentioned how we'd also been talking to NPL and really liked her. That is when I knew The Vultures must have said things they should not have said. If only I'd known what they said.

I heard from a few other people in the group a bit more about what when down. We tried to hang out with some of the other folks during the social time and just keep it light but it was hard. One of the couples we like best announced their engagement! They also told us their website had been getting a lot of hits from a certain southern state. I told them that some friends of mine (who shall remain nameless...CHRIS...had found their site independently and wanted to be adopted by them.  We chatted with the NPL and her mom. We made plans to talk wedding stuff with the guys. Then we left and I found out why the mister was so upset.

I was livid in the car on the way home. We chose this consultant because it is incredibly important to us that we have as ethical a domestic adoption as possible. We want no manipulation or coercion of any time. We know the NPL is probably more susceptible than some others to manipulation, especially when she might feel she'd let someone else down. How dare The Vultures say the things they said in front of all those people and the NPL? How can they be so fucking clueless and entitled?

Both the mister and I feel dirty now. Just sullied by the association of this all-too-common type of prospective adoptive parent. We felt let down by our consultant who did nothing to stop these comments or prevent them. The Vultures are not in her service and we feel that some guidelines should have been set. Most of the other couples in her service are not at all like that. I think Mrs Vulture has a lot of work she needs to do with a qualified therapist before she is ready to parent any child, much less a child in an open adoption with a birthmother who has had so much trauma in her own life.

I would have been horrified to see any couple acting like that with any NPL but it was definitely more distressing that it was this particular situation. I told the mister perhaps we should just take our names out of the hat. That's not what we want to do though. That was just my own fear talking and I know we can do this honorably and ethically.

I left the consultant a message last night as soon as we got home. It's probably a very good thing she didn't call back until today. It gave me a chance to calm down a bit and run my concerns past the mister and my dear friend Bebe who was in our shoes a year ago.

I didn't sleep much last night because I was just so worked up and outraged. I wrote a nice, calm email this morning. The consultant called before I could even send it. She started the conversation by wanting to update me with where the NPL is in her decision process but I stopped her.

I think I did a good job of explaining my concerns. The consultant agreed that Mrs Vulture (and her adoption attorney who is pushing every day for NPL to make a decision but that's another post and a good reason to steer clear of adoption attorneys even if they claim to offer support for open adoption) need to be severely chastised.

I have no problem at all with the fact the NPL is still trying to decide. It's a huge decision. Honestly, is there any bigger decision anyone can make? I truly don't think so.  I fully support her in whatever decision she makes. I truly hope that she is considering parenting this child and if that is not possible that she chooses the best family for her child and her situation. I do not want to pressure her in any sort of way. I don't want her to experience even the subtlest manipulation/coercion. I recognize that NONE of this is about the mister or me. This is NOT about our healing or our deserving to have a baby or any of that. We are the LAST part of the equation and get the LEAST amount of attention in this process. That is how it should be. If she chooses us, we want it to be because she truly feels that we are the best parents to raise her son.

We could play the whole "we're more ethical than you" card. But, duh, that entirely defeats the purpose. We could be playing the whole "you're older than dirt and don't live in an area with any diversity so what the hell makes you think you can raise an African-American son" card. At least we get the satisfaction of taking the moral high ground, right?

But this is not some game. We will not compromise our morals or our ethical standards. Not one whit. Of course, personally I think that makes us better choices to parent any child but again, it's totally not my decision and not even my right to suggest that. Still trying to be zen but it is getting harder and harder.

But I will never allow the mister to experience the pain he did because of other people's poor behavior.  She might be a vulture but I am a lioness and I will not hesitate to take her out if she threatens my pride. Perhaps she needs to spend some time in the bush to see nature at work?

If you read all the way to the end you deserve a gold star. Or at least a cute youtube video. I can't believe the entire world hasn't seen the cute otter video but I shared it with two more friends at brunch this morning. It makes me smile today when not much else does (although a SmartyPants challenge on Facebook or some good karma is always appreciated as well).

Those otters know what Jack Johnson is singing about in my post title. It really is better when we're together. I know that's true: I even have the Flair to prove it.

Our dreams and they are made out of real things.
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart.
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.

The Q and A Session

I have a few posts swirling around in my head but I thought I'd start with a brief update. I'll even cut to the chase: no decisions yet from the NPL but we're still in the running. Actually I think its down to us and one other couple at this point.

I got a lovely call from the NPL last week and she asked if she could send us some additional questions to answer in writing. Of course we are more than happy to answer any questions. She told me they might seem a bit familiar and they sure did. They were straight out of our autobiographical questionnaire with our adoption agency. I've got to say that made it somewhat easier as we'd already answered these questions once.

We still took it very seriously and did a great deal of editing as it had been more than a year since we answered them the first time and a completely different audience. Then we were answering more abstractly but now we wanted to give her a better sense of some specifics as they might relate to her and this particular situation.

Here are the questions for anyone who's interested:

1. Briefly comment on the relationship of your mother and father, or of the persons who brought you up (a) with each other, (b) with you, and (c) with your partner.
2. Briefly describe the characteristics of the family in which you grew up (including how discipline was handled). 
3. Describe your childhood years (i.e. significant  family memories, moves,  illnesses, siblings, trips, neighborhood, friends.)
4.Describe your family’s expectations of you. What were your self-expectations? Greatest achievements?
5. Describe significant relationships, family changes, moves in your adult years.
6. Please describe how you think parenting will  affect your current lifestyle.
7.How do you plan on handling discipline with your children?
8. In what ways do you think adoptive parenting might differ from parenting a biological child?
9. What are your plans for the  religious/spiritual upbringing of your child?
10. Describe yourself. Tell what is most important to you in life and what events and persons have had the greatest influence on you.

Aren't those some great, thoughtful questions? I know for some people not considering open adoptions this might seem intrusive or daunting. But I love the fact this information is important to her. THIS is what she's going to use to help guide her decision not some superficial profile (although I must say I am quite happy with our profile) or the fact that we have the most adorable dogs ever (again, we clearly do but that is not the point). She is making one, if not the, most difficult decisions anyone could ever make. She is doing this thoughtfully, deliberately and with great attention. How could anyone not respect her decision?

This is why when people are asking how we're doing or how we're managing our anxiety I can say that it's very easy. It's truly not about us and we are totally fine with that. We want her to have all the time, space and information to make the decision that is best for her and her son.

I've been thinking a lot about that horrible adoption myth that many parents use to explain adoption to their children "we chose you for us". Like there is some baby store where you walk through and pick a child. That is just so demeaning that it's no wonder adoptees find it painful and condescending.

But how wonderful that whoever is lucky enough to parent this child, be it the NPL, our competition, or us, will know exactly how much care and thought went into this decision. And seriously, whoever is chosen will be so very lucky and will be the right family to parent this little boy. His parents will be able to tell him how the NPL chose what she thought was the best thing for her son and how much care and thought went into that decision.  What a gift the NPL is giving to her son!

So this American holiday morning the mister and I went over to the NPL's work and dropped off our answers. His are fairly short. Mine should at least be considered a novella. We printed our answers on our colorful new letterhead and included a a copy of our official profile (no more imitation vanilla for us!).

Oh, there was also a container of fresh gingerbread chocolate cookies. I'm trusting Chris on this one as the recipe is from that new cookie cookbook who's author I don't exactly trust but this was the cover recipe (and the NPL needs to increase her iron and the cookies are loaded with  molasses so they really are a good thing). I will say the cookies taste good although I do not trust any cookie recipe that doesn't have at least a pinch of salt.

We got to chat with the NPL a bit and she told us a funny anecdote. She's at that part of her pregnancy where she's learning all about childbirth and she's a bit leery. Who wouldn't be, right? She's afraid of pain and wants to explore her options and that just sounds smart to me. Her mom is trying to convince her of the benefits of natural childbirth. Can you imagine the pressure of a mom who gave birth several times in third world countries with no drugs or anything? I thought I was having issues with my mom right now over the diapers she wants to make us and tasteless baby clothes she's looking at but at least she's not telling me "I didn't need drugs in a third world country when I gave birth so you should do the same thing?" I'm not sure it reads as funny as it was but it was really funny and just made us all laugh.

Taking out the trash

I don't know if I've ever admitted here when I first started buying "a few things" for "the baby". Oh dear, I suspect this is going to be a very grammatically incorrect posts with way too much punctuation. Please don't hold this against me.

It was back in 2002. The mister and I had just decided to (finally) start our family. Our kitten was killed on a holiday weekend and that  got us thinking thinks we should have done much earlier. We'd always wanted kids but the timing never seemed right: we wanted to be financially stable, have solid careers and feel really secure in our relationship. Funny how one speeding driver made us take stock and propel us forward.

I spent the next couple of weeks visiting a good friend (and former boss) in an adorable town in Sweden. I'd been to other parts of Europe before but never Sweden. I'd fallen in lust with a certain Scandinavian pram on my first trip to Denmark and they were still all over the place. There had been a lot of technological advances in strollers since then and I was amazed at every turn.

I nearly bought a pram from a woman I met in Ikea. Seriously. I'm not kidding. It was a gorgeous limited edition Emmaljunga and once you've gone Emma, it's hard to go back. We exchanged info and even talked about shipping it over in a year or so. You know, when I had my first kid. Hahahahahaha.

I didn't buy a pram but I did buy a number of pacifiers or binkies or whatever you like to call them. Swedish binkies were so colorful and fun (much like all the other cool baby gear-no boring black to be found) and fit oh-so-easily into my suitcase. I think I bought a total of 10. I also got some adorable baby spoons.

That was the extent of my baby stash for quite some time. The next thing I added was an whimsical French bib that I bought the day we had our consult with my first local clinic. The evil clinic that I now warn anyone and everyone to stay as far away from as possible. The bib was a gift to the mister, a promise that no matter what those stoopid people said at that heinous clinic, we would be parents one day.

When we had to begin setting up the "nursery" a couple of weeks ago I pulled out my treasure trove. I found the colorful binkies. The bib that was really just a promise from me to the mister. The South African lullabies, shoes and blankets. The Thai silk elephant toy. The tiny baby clothes I bought when I was in the limbo that came to be known as Ectopic Pregnancy #2.

It turns out that even though I hadn't been buying much over the years, it really added up. It has been a lot of years.

And now those binkies sit on the temporary nightstand in the "nursery". It's more than a touch bittersweet because now that I might have a baby sometime soon, I can't use those binkies that held so much promise. BPAs, don't cha know. So I'll have to toss them in the trash.

I'm not quite ready to do that. I wasn't sure why until I began to write this post. Those pacifiers are the only part of my hope chest that I bought when I actually had hope. They are the very last remnants of a life untouched by infertility. I can't even remember what that felt like but I look at the dragonfly pacifier and I know that there was a time before the pain and bitterness.

I'm not the young (hey, it was a few weeks before I turned 37 so I was relatively young - stop laughing) wide-eyed girl who was so ready for the next chapter to begin and so arrogantly filled with the thought of a honeymoon baby. I can replace those binkies with less fun but safer models but what about the girl I was? Am I now stuck with the safer but less colorful self? Will I always be this cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop or something bad to happen? I hope not but it's definitely too soon to tell.

I can't believe I forgot to title this...

I've thought a lot about posting the last couple of days but just couldn't quite get the words to come out.

I wanted to write something profound and meaningful about the weekend but everything just seems so trite.

I hope Sunday passed as painlessly as possible for all of us still in the trenches. When I think of the Second Sunday in May, I think about all of us who want nothing more than to make it to the other side. I think of the losses, the aching, the pain.

Then I think of my friends like the red-headed momma and other women who lost their moms well before their time. How hard it must be to face that day every year when you've lost your mom and most of the world seems to forget that.

I also think of my friends who are celebrating their first year as a mom and how special that must be to them. The ones like "us" always seem to appreciate it at a deeper level, they don't expect a lot of loot or whine about not getting their perfect day. I hope this club gets bigger and bigger every year and there are fewer of us feeling pain on this particular Sunday.

I was dreading this year a bit, I'll admit it. But it was much easier on me than I expected. Perhaps because we're talking to NPL a lot. Perhaps because I structured my day to achieve success. I'm just going to take what I can get.

On Saturday the mister and I went to one of our favorite brunch places with some of our favorite friends, Pocket and Pita. We lingered on the deck, enjoying our beautiful NorCal weather and wonderful Bloody Martys (like the famous Scottish queen but made with Soju). Pocket is on the evil lupron and definitely feeling the effects. It has been such a long, hard road for them. I must admit I was a bit mean to her and made fun of her for not giving herself those tiny, tiny lupron shots. She's one of the strongest women I know so how can she be so scared of a tiny needle?

After brunch we went stroller shopping. We hit three stores on two sides of the bay and shopped (well, looked) until we dropped. Decisions were made but no credit cards were harmed in the process.

Sunday was a low-key day. We went out for bagels and only stayed out a couple of extra hours. Why?

Well, there is a wonderful flower shop just down the street from the bagel place. They had the most beautiful flowers. Some gorgeous parrot tulips spoke to us and, really, what says SPRING louder than tulips?

Suddenly we found our sweaty, sunburned, baseball-wearing selves with a simple arrangement of colorful tulips on the way to NPL's work (Nice Pregnant Lady - for those who missed my oh-so-suave abbreviation) to surprise her. We missed her by about 5 minutes so we headed to her house. We dropped off the flowers and chatted for a while with NPL and her parents. It was perfect. Just perfect.

It just felt right and although it wasn't planned, it turned out to be exactly how I wanted to spend my day. The mister agreed but is a bit tired of going out to brunch or on a quick errand and getting home hours later. You'd think after 12 years he'd be used to it.

Big thanks to all the suggestions and encouragement to do something for NPL. And to wish her and her mom a Happy Mother's Day. It meant a lot to all of us.

What a long week!

I do apologize for not posting earlier. It has been one looooooong week around here.

Did you know that you can fly without any picture id? Apparently as long as you have a piece of paper with your name on it and are willing to go through secondary security (pat down/no strip search), you can board your flight. Can you tell I found out the hard way on Monday morning?

I did make it back from sunny SoCal and went straight to work. And there was much more work all week. I played a not so fun game of "is millie flying back east for a super short work trip or isn't she". There were six rounds of that game on Tuesday alone. Luckily the decision was finally made late Tuesday night and I got to sleep in my own bed the rest of the week.

There's not a lot else to update. We've talked to the NPL a couple of times this week. She wants to keep us updated on her doctor's appointments (totally her decision). She's interviewed another couple but it didn't go very far. She's feeling tired and needs much more sleep. I worry that her work causes her to be on her feet too much but she says its no problem. The next big monthly meeting is coming up in a couple of weeks and NPL's dad is thinking of coming with her.

Our profile is now complete and heading to the printer! We're wrapping up a photo insert and working on our longer letter. Then we need to put some actual text up on our website (we just have mostly a splash screen currently). I also have a ton of pictures to scan for the photo book that we need to complete in the next week or two. We're making great progress but there's still much to do.

I was talking to my friend Aimee today (so good to catch up with her!) and I realized I'm really not worried. This particular situation will work out or it won't. Aimee asked me about laws here regarding termination of parental rights and I don't know. I don't even care about that.

I do know that I don't want papers signed in the hospital, this situation or another situation. I do know that I am craving an Entrustment Ceremony much more than a baby shower. I do know that I'm coming from a place of hope and openness, not fear and desperation. There has been so much fear and desperation in my life for well over five years and that is more than enough.

The mister and I are giddy with joy - not only because of this particular match possibility but also because we know we're doing everything in the most ethical way we can and we are doing everything we can to support this NPL, whatever decision she makes. We finally feel like our time will come, maybe in a couple of weeks, maybe later.

That doesn't mean we're looking forward to this Sunday, that most painful day for infertiles. We're having brunch will fellow travellers tomorrow because Sunday we'll be holed up at home. We are making great progress but there's no way we can go out on a day that is all about where we aren't.

We are however thinking about doing something for NPL. I'm fresh out of ideas so I open it up to you, the wise internets: should we do something to acknowledge Mother's Day for the NPL? If so, what? Is that just too weird?

Oh and for those of you interested in the menu from last week, thanks for asking and here ya go:

Antipasti (olives, nuts, hard cheese, bread)
Grilled Glazed Steak and Asparagus
Couscous with dates (usually do Israeli couscous but was out, so regular couscous with orange zest and orange juice replacing some of cooking liquid)
Warm Rhubarb Raspberry Compote with Greek Yogurt and Coconut Walnut  Crunch drizzled with Honey ( the pastry chef in me had to come out and play but just a little bit)

I was feeling very Springy so wanted the menu to reflect that. The lovely Accidental Housewife suggested having the mister grill (though we switched her fish idea to steak) so he'd have something to do and show off his culinary skills. That was a fabo idea.

Now back to those thoughts and ideas you were going to share with me...

Guess Who Came to Dinner?

I must apologize for not updating soon. I have been so touched by all the comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It's been such a whirlwind and the support and encouragement from y'all has meant a ton.

I promise to do a real update soon but I jetted off to SoCal very early Thursday morning for a conference. It's been a super packed schedule and this is the first quiet moment I've even had.

Dinner was great. Just great. There were a few awkward moments but mostly it was just a lot of great conversation and lots of "getting to know you" stuff. NPL's mom is amazing and wonderful, just as we'd suspected.

We did get the house pulled together. We didn't get the crib (that's another post) but did get oh-so-fabulous matching changing table. The nursery looked cute. The weeds were gone.

NPL had a few questions for us (and I hope she has more!) and they were good ones. She wanted to get a sense for why were were interested in a child of color and what are plans were to incorporate all of our children's heritage. She knows how painful it can be to be an African-American child in a (mostly) white family, especially in this country. I don't think any of us are naive and we do have plans and thoughts and are sensitive to at least knowing how much we need to learn and to know. But honestly, is that enough? Or would a family of color be a better option? I want her to have all kinds of options and choices and make the best choice for her child. (Of course, I also think that we'd be a great choice regardless).

Anyway there will be much more to come on all of that. Whatever happens with NPL, it's been great meeting her and her family.

Oh and it's a boy!

Just Another Manic Monday

Today was a Monday, through and through. It was a long hard day at work. I started at the butt crack of dawn, conducting a training over the internet. Then I sped to my job site where I tried to get caught up (I only worked a little over 1 day last week) but I was so very far behind.

Then the mister called and sent me into a tailspin. He talked to our consultant and she had a few requests. She wanted us to call NPL and invite her (and her family) to lunch or dinner this week. And give her a nicely bound copy of our homestudy. And our rushed imitation vanilla profile.

Oh and she said to have the nursery as complete as possible.

Nursery???? Has she not worked with infertiles for years and years? We don't have nurseries ready to go.

Luckily this infertile has spent much of the past five years obsessing over baby gear and knows exactly what she wants. We weren't quite ready to pull the trigger but the mister said we should do it.

Of course what I want is European and usually a special order. I called many local stores and got summarily shot down. Until I called the mostly online with a few stores place that makes you smile just to say their name.

"Why yes we do have that lovely modern crib in the finish you want at our warehouse that's a short drive from you."

That, my dears, was music to my ears. I scooted out of work early (after only working 9.5 hours) and I got my shopping on. I bought a crib, one sheet, a quilt, and elephant pillow and ordered a changing table. I was thisclose to adding my current favorite stroller to the mix but decided to restrain myself (and let the mister have some of the fun).

I also arranged for yard guy to do a spring clean-up of our weed garden. He knows we're going to be doing a real renovation soon but can get it from looking beyond mortifying to "ah, there's lots of potential there." As luck would have it, when I called him today he was visiting my neighbor three doors down and could fit us into his schedule.

The mister is taking off the next couple of days. We made a list of all that has to be done and it is one looooooong list.

We talked to NPL (and her mom!) and we're on for dinner Wednesday night. Did I mention I'm flying down south shortly after for a conference and long weekend? And I have to work late tomorrow night at the office?

Oh and we called our Agency and they had a copy of our homestudy ready for us tonight. We hadn't actually read it until now. It's really informative and I quite liked it. The mister will pretty it up tomorrow to give the NPL. I think it's great that the consultant gives the full homestudy to all NPLs. She's also working with the NPL on a set of questions to ask all the couples she's meeting so she can have as much info as possible.

Now I just need to get many things checked off the list and figure out what I am cooking for dinner.

The Whirlwind Continues

What an exhausting weekend! I am beyond drained, but in a really good way.

I had to rush to a volunteer meeting yesterday morning then hurry home and bake cupcakes. That's right, I had a couple of dozen cupcakes to bake for the adoption support group meeting. No pressure. We were just meeting a NPL. We'd heard "our competition" was a caterer. Talk about ironic.

For those of you interested in cupcake recipes, I did make Lemon Meyer with Lemon Cream Cheese frosting. The cake part was heavily based on Amy Sedaris's recipe, but was sorely lacking in humor. I also attempted chocolate sour cream cupcakes but let's just say they didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Let's skip over how sunken and strangely crusty they were. I will say that baking was a perfect distraction for me and helped calm my nerves.

We got to meet the lovely NPL (and her dad as well) before the meeting and give her a ride. That gave us lots of good chatting time. The meeting itself was overwhelming. There were 3 very new babies there, one of their birth-mothers and birth-grandparents and two NPLs. It's more than a bit disconcerting how the NPLs get swarmed by the not-yet-matched folks. The mister and I don't roll like that, we just hang back and talk to other folks. There were many, many words. Way too many for the mister. It went on and on.

There was a bit of a showdown between the Pastry Chef and the Caterer. So far, I think it's a draw. She had some amazing shrimp and savory muffins, I had the lemon cupcakes. She was very nice but I will say I think I could take her. We Pastry Chefs have bigger blow torches and cooler tools. And frankly we're a bit scrappier. Just ask Duff.

We didn't get home until long after dark and had more work to do on our Vanilla Letter. We did some last night and some this morning then scurried off to brunch and a baseball game in the city. The home team is really struggling this year. I was wishing they'd call the game after the first couple of innings (it was already 8-0 by then) but managed to amuse myself with garlic fries and cotton candy.

When we got home the NPL called to check in with us. How sweet is that? She wanted to make sure she got a letter from us and just say hi. I think she's hoping to make a decision in a week or so. I'm not going to go into many more details but she did talk to us a lot on the ride home about why she wants to do an adoption plan. She has definitely thought a lot about this and I think she has some good reasons. I'm very grateful that she has a lot of support as well.

So we're finishing up our bits and just going with the flow for now, trying to stay as zen as possible. It's mostly working.

It's already Friday? Seriously?

Wowsers. What a week this turned out to be.

Shortly after my last post, I got sick. Sooooo sick. I coughed so hard Sunday night that I puked. I finally went to the doctor on Monday and she said it seemed like Whooping Cough which is strange because I was just vaccinated against that last year. She gave me some goooood drugs, including a lovely concoction of cough syrup and codeine. She also tried to talk me into the TB drug course that I turned down last year. We settled on 5 days of antibiotics. 180 days vs 5 days seemed like a no brainer.

It turned out to be a good time to be sick. The mister and I had so very much work to do in a very short time. Here's what we accomplished in a few short days:

• Met with the Associate and settled on time-line to get 3 months of work done in 10 days
• Quick phone meeting with graphic designer to discuss themes/colors/likes for Vanilla Letter and custom letterhead for Chocolate Letter
• Draft of Vanilla Letter
• Photos chosen for Vanilla Letter
• 800 number activated
• Website hosting arranged
• Hair cut and color (no gray roots for this  chick)
• New clothes and makeup
• Draft photo book of the mister and me from birth to now to share in the event of a match
• Photo shoot with the mister in a very scenic setting by a very accommodating photographer friend last night before she jetted off to Mexico
• New "signature" photo from said session that got thumbs up from everyone

Oh and a call from the consultant today to ask us to give the nice pregnant lady a ride to support group tomorrow. She lives close to us so it's easiest for us to pick her up and it'll give us a way to meet her and chat with her in a no pressure situation.

So I found myself thinking about this first conversation today with no time to prepare for it. The lovely Bebe reminded me that NPL was likely as nervous as I was and calmed my nerves a bit. Bebe and her husband were amazed that I'd talk to her today and meet her in less than 24 hours. Our profile (along with several others from a couple of local agencies) will be presented to her at the end of next week.

Tonight I found myself on the phone first with NPL's father (he was so very nice on the phone) and then a few minutes later with NPL herself. She was even lovelier. This is all so surreal. We were both eager to please and I know she made a fab impression on me. I hope I did as well.

The mister and I are so very excited to meet her tomorrow. The support group can be more than a little overwhelming, totally supportive and nice folks, but chaotic and loud and just a lot. If the weather is nice, we'll likely be outside. There will be a couple of brand new babies present and at least one birth-mother who's the same age as NPL.

I was asked to bring cupcakes so you know I'm all over that. I'm making Meyer Lemon with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting and Chocolate with Chocolate Frosting. Or something like that. I have a nifty new cupcake carrier that will handle three dozen and keep them separated.

Now I just want to take a few lines to answer some recent questions.

Louise asked me to explain by what the consultant means by "you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work." Our consultant prefers to be called a consultant, not a facilitator. She believes in extensive reading and education for all parties. She does not have any outreach services. She doesn't place any ads or really network to "find babies".  She encourages her clients to do their own networking and mailings to doctors, midwives, alternative high schools and other places so that people who do come into contact with NPLs can pass it along.

That being said, this consultant gets lots of referrals from professionals she's worked with in the past who know about her ethics and passion for open adoption. She works with NPLs separately from her prospective adoptive parents and teaches them to advocate for their wishes and needs. A lot of folks who are unhappy with how they or other NPLs are being treated find her on the 'net and her approach resonates with them. She runs her monthly support group for all members of the constellation and it really is such a supportive atmosphere. I haven't heard of other groups like this, at least locally. There are groups just for adoptive parents or families or NPLS but this is the only really inclusive one that I've come across.

Now let me explain the Chocolate Letter and the Vanilla Letter. The chocolate one is usually written first and is much longer, maybe 6-10 pages. It's much more personal and in-depth about each person (if it's a couple), your relationship, family, values, parenting approach and feelings about adoption. You write it first so you can go into detail and then you only share it with people once you've met them in person or on the phone.

The Vanilla Letter is shorter, maybe 4 pages, and more similar to "profiles" that you see everywhere. Ours will be 4 pages with a 2 page insert. Our consultant has very specific ideas about things she likes and doesn't like and I've got to say her client's Vanilla Letters do tend to stand out in a bunch. We're currently working with the letter specialist to tweak our draft and really make it tight. We also really want it to be "us" and not just another formulaic letter.

I think I've rambled on quite enough. I've got a big day ahead. This is all just so surreal.

I didn't know this was the TGV

So mere hours after we met with the adoption consultant, after she spent a lot of time telling us she didn't find babies ("you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work"), she sent an email with her 4 page application.

And a note saying she'd just gotten a call from a therapist who had a 28 week nice pregnant lady who she was referring to the adoption consultant. Would this be a situation that would interest us?

Holy shit, Batman. Of course we're potentially interested!

We still don't know much more about this situation. We know that the consultant is also working with a nice pregnant lady from my home state. I was kinda hoping that would would work out. I'm not complaining if the one where the nice pregnant lady lives less than 10 miles away works out. Just not counting on it.

So today we drove back across the bay, past the maximum security prison with loads of famous inmates to the consultants house. We started going through our big binder. We turned in our 4 page application. We each finished our personal essays (yay for millie and the mister getting shit done) and copied a photo of the two of us we both like.  We were only there for 2.5 hours this time but got lots accomplished.

Now we start on our "chocolate" letter and meet with the consultant's associate in just a few days whose role is to  help with the letter writing (both "chocolate" and "vanilla" which I'll explain as we go do these but you know I love me some chocolate and vanilla), website (which we might not need), the photo album and all that stuff.

Our goal is to get a good letter by next Saturday. That's the next time the support group meets and the nice pregnant lady from down the street (and perhaps her mom and dad) will likely be there and we'll all get to meet.

Oh and today the consultant said the nice pregnant lady was due in 10 weeks. I don't know how 2 weeks passed in three days but good grief. 10 weeks? For real?

(Don't worry. We're just going with the flow. Who knows if she'll even pick us. We do know her primary qualifications at this point are a married couple who'll love her baby a lot. And that is totally us).

It seriously feels like we're on a bullet train but that is a-okay with us.

I didn't know this was the TGV

So mere hours after we met with the adoption consultant, after she spent a lot of time telling us she didn't find babies ("you have to find your baby, I'll just do lots of other work"), she sent an email with her 4 page application.

And a note saying she'd just gotten a call from a therapist who had a 28 week nice pregnant lady who she was referring to the adoption consultant. Would this be a situation that would interest us?

Holy shit, Batman. Of course we're potentially interested!

We still don't know much more about this situation. We know that the consultant is also working with a nice pregnant lady from my home state. I was kinda hoping that would would work out. I'm not complaining if the one where the nice pregnant lady lives less than 10 miles away works out. Just not counting on it.

So today we drove back across the bay, past the maximum security prison with loads of famous inmates to the consultants house. We started going through our big binder. We turned in our 4 page application. We each finished our personal essays (yay for millie and the mister getting shit done) and copied a photo of the two of us we both like.  We were only there for 2.5 hours this time but got lots accomplished.

Now we start on our "chocolate" letter and meet with the consultant's associate in just a few days whose role is to  help with the letter writing (both "chocolate" and "vanilla" which I'll explain as we go do these but you know I love me some chocolate and vanilla), website (which we might not need), the photo album and all that stuff.

Our goal is to get a good letter by next Saturday. That's the next time the support group meets and the nice pregnant lady from down the street (and perhaps her mom and dad) will likely be there and we'll all get to meet.

Oh and today the consultant said the nice pregnant lady was due in 10 weeks. I don't know how 2 weeks passed in three days but good grief. 10 weeks? For real?

(Don't worry. We're just going with the flow. Who knows if she'll even pick us. We do know her primary qualifications at this point are a married couple who'll love her baby a lot. And that is totally us).

It seriously feels like we're on a bullet train but that is a-okay with us.

Afternoon in the Garden

Today was our meeting with the very nice adoption lady. We'd allotted two hours in the middle of the afternoon. We were with her for 3.5 hours and the time flew.

The mister is back at work and I'm still processing all of it. She definitely passed our test and I guess we passed hers because she's sending us an application and we'll meet with her again on Sunday for several hours.

Her service involves an intensive educational focus both for expectant parents/families and prospective adoptive parents. Before our next meeting, we have to fill out her 4 page application and each write a 2 page personal essay (for her eyes only) so she can get to know us better. She has copies of the autobiographical questions we completed for our home-study and a copy of our home-study as well.

At the next meeting, she'll give us a thick binder full of additional articles as well as a checklist and a time-line. We'll work with her colleague on our "vanilla" letter (a short, one page letter to be sent as part of a mailing), then our "chocolate" version (a much longer profile) as well as our website.

Our consultant isn't in the baby-finding business. She doesn't just get referrals and pass them on. She doesn't advertise or do any of the other scarier practices that skeeve me out.

She does, however, get a fair number of referrals from folks that find her on the internet or know of her reputation. She works with expectant mothers and educates them as well. She sends them books and articles and videos. She invites them and their parents/families/significant others to the monthly support group meetings. She treats them with respect and consideration, no matter their age She frequently counsels pregnant women to keep their baby. She involves the expectant father from the beginning as well. She includes the grandparents, siblings, etc. It was at her house that we first heard "adoption constellation" and that just resonated with us.

She is passionate about open adoption and that's the only kind she does.  She's known for being one of the most ethical people in the adoption community and leads ethic workshops at national conferences. Many of her clients end up working with her after being burned by other situations, agencies or facilitators. She vets any potential matches and does risk assessment to ferret out potential scams or other red flags. Many pregnant women end up working with her because unlike the other adoption professionals, she listens to them and their choices. She educates them so they can feel comfortable that the people they match with are fully disclosing and will follow through with them.

We didn't ask for references like Trace and others mentioned. But that's only because we already had multiple references from friends from other boards, our adoption agency, our reproductive rights attorneys and several other folks we met separately at conferences. We checked out her support group back in January and really liked the folks we met. There were also several birth parents and birth grandparents there who spoke highly of her. Many of her clients have used her services for multiple adoptions. Many of the birth parents and grandparents also refer people to her.

She also makes sure to find qualified true therapists to provide counseling for the expectant mothers. That's something that is really important to me. She says that only 3 agencies actually provide therapeutic counseling, the rest just provide advice around paperwork.

It is incredibly rare that prospective adoptive parents go to the hospital and don't end up parenting that baby (less than once per year). I think that's likely due to all the education and openness from the beginning. If a match doesn't work out, it typically happens earlier and there is usually little to no money involved. She's very resourceful at finding the best way to work with other agencies or lawyers to handle the necessary paperwork.

I'm sure we have a lot of hard work in our near future but the mister and I are very excited. We're optimistic and hopeful and just oh so ready to be jumping on this train.

Oh, wanna know what clinched us in her eyes? I'm pretty sure it was the reading list we compiled of adoption books we've already read. With a nice legend for what I'd read, what the mister and I had both read, what is currently on our nightstand awaiting it's turn and what's on my wishlist. She asked to keep a copy of it for her files.

All Aboard the A Train

After a few rounds of emails and some patient waiting (not to mention a great deal of  impatient waiting) on our parts, the mister and I are meeting with the adoption consultant tomorrow.

For two hours! That is going to be an awful lot of words. How will the mister deal with it?

I was getting a bit frustrated with how long it was taking just to get this appointment. But then she said this in her last email:

Your home study did come and I have read it – very impressive  accomplishments!

So I think she's going to like us and I hope she'll think will be a good fit for her services. I'm not thrilled about having a meeting where we might need to write a big check just after we sent several big checks to our lovely state capitol and dear ol' Uncle Sam.* I think we can come up with the dough in a timely manner.

Do you think we should tell her we nearly showed up on her doorstep last week? We drove out to one of our favorite beaches with the dogs on Sunday and drove right by her house.

 Anyway, back to the meeting. She wants us to come with a long list of questions. I only have a couple:

• How soon can you help us find a match?
• What do we need to do to match quickly?

We did a lot of research and we know a lot about her services so I'm pretty comfortable with that. She's known for being super-ethical so I don't have many worries there (though that is one of my biggest worries regarding adoption in general).

Help me internets, what should I add to my list of questions?

*Yes we really did drive to the main post office to mail our checks last night at 10:45. We had more than an hour to spare. Why was the mister so worried?

Well, now we've gone and done it

The mister's parents are coming to visit in a for short days, for a few very long days. They informed us of this visit back in November. See, first they told us they were coming to California for Christmas. Our response? Great, now we won't have to find pet sitters.

Yeah, you can guess how well that went over. So their Plan B was to come out for the first holiday weekend of the new year. Regardless of how that fit our schedule.

In light of recent events (see the whole homestudy approved thing from some other post) and the impending visit, we decided it was time to tell our folks we were thinking of adoption.

So we spent a couple of hours yesterday drafting a very long email. The mister kept complaining about how many words were involved. Well, he complained until I asked him if he'd rather use all those words (and more) on the phone. With numerous phone calls. He saw my point.

We sent said email to our parents, siblings, siblings-in-law and our niece and nephew (well, really just the older set of twins because the younger ones can't read yet). It might seem like we took the 'fraidy cat way out by announcing it all in an email. In our defense, we wanted to tell everyone at the same time and give some good information so folks could do a bit of research/reading/etc.

We pressed send, decided not to answer the phone and I left immediately for a mani-pedi and the mister took the dogs for a walk.

So far the phone has not rang. We're both a bit surprised by that.

We were also floored by the first response. From the BIL I don't like so much. It was perfect: supportive, caring and excited. Go figure! Then we got a nice but kooky email from the evil SIL. A warm response from my other BIL. A measured and a bit scary response from the mister's parents (the scary part is about how we'll have soooooooo much to talk about during their visit).

And from my folks? Not one word.

To be fair, my sister (and likely her husband) knew of our thoughts and progress on adoption. My parents have been encouraging us to think about it for a while but I think they'd like to see us join the China queue. My elderly aunt (whom I adore and who will be the namesake for any girl children) cornered the mister when he was saying good-bye over the holidays and said "I don't know if you've thought about adoption but you know you could. We just want to see you guys parents."

We bought two copies of Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston. We'll give our copy to the mister's parents when they're here. The one to my folks has a little note saying it's mostly for my in-laws, but we didn't want to single them out.

This book was written for parents (and other family members/friends) of people adopting and has a lot of great information about what to say and what not to say. It even acknowledges that they've probably said many of the "don'ts" already and has very practical advise. I strongly resisted the urge not to underline parts of our copy.

I even resisted the urge to type up an addendum stating how bad it was to not treat grandchildren who don't share your last name equally with the ones who do (see previous posts about No College Funds for You Grandkids with Your Mom's Last Name). Aren't I behaving well?

We really are excited to be moving forward and we're hoping our families will be as well. For anyone thinking of sending similar emails (or anyone with a morbid curiosity of how we approached it), I'm happy to share ours with you.

Now back to drafting that profile.

Reading List for 2008

Have I confessed one of my recent addictions here? I'm not sure. It's that time of the year for resolutions and confessions so I figured I'd start with a confession.

I'm totally addicted to the Paperback Swap. Do you know of it? It's so fabulous. You can mail your books that you've finished to someone else that wants them. And you can ask for books and people will just mail them to you. That's right, you can get awesome books in the mail, not just bills.

I started listing books a while ago. I loooooove books. My love of books has been fighting with my need to keep the clutter out of my small house. I figured if I got rid of some books then I could get even more books. So I started listing lots of books. And mailing them off.

Then I got into hoarding credits. I had more than 40 credits before today. It was so nice to know they were just waiting for me to use them.

The adoption facilitator we're going to work with has a required recommended reading list. A rather long one, it turns out. This has the mister a bit scared. Now the mister and I met in a book group so you'd think this would be right down our alleys. Apparently he was just in the book club to get lucky.

In my enthusiasm to get started on all things adoption, I decided to see if any of the books on my list could be found at PBS. And more than half of them were there!

So here's what will be coming in my mail soon:

• Children of Open Adoption and Their Families
• Dear Birthmother: Thank You for Our Baby
• Raising Adopted Children: A Manual for Adoptive Parents
• Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming America
• Adoption Without Fear

I also broke down and bought two books from that online bookseller because I just couldn't wait: Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and The Other Mother: A Woman's Love for the Child She Gave Up for Adoption.

So that's my reading list for the next little bit. I'd love to hear thoughts from anyone who's read these books. Perhaps I'll even do a mini-review of each as I get through them.

The mister has requested that if there are cliff notes to any of these, could you please send them his way?

Oh and if you're a PBS member and wanna friend me (or want a referral) just send me an email or let me know in the comments. I'm always looking for more friends, especially friends that love books.

So about that other plan ...

I got an email today that made me realize we hadn't done very much on our adoption stuff in the last couple of weeks. I think I got more than a little preoccupied with all the will-the-lining-plump or not. Apparently my social worker doesn't have the same concerns.

So here's what we owe her:

• Housing and Financial Statement
• 3 references
• Employment verifications
• Medical forms
• marriage certificate
• copy of pg.1 of our federal tax return

Well, it looks like a lot when you list it that way, doesn't it? We have the medical forms and the mister has his employment verification. I have to write up something since I'm self-employed but that shouldn't take any time at all. I copied our marriage certificate tonight so that one is now done. Ooooh, taxes. Well, we applied for an extension and I have some stuff I need to send our (new) accountant so that should be done really quickly.

The mister took over the Housing and Financial Statement tonight. That's a huge relief and long time readers might remember how he was supposed to be in charge of All Things Adoption (hey, he offered!) so it's nice that he's stepping up and happy to do that.

So mostly that leaves the references. And then I checked our mail today (the snail kind, not e kind). One of our references said she was sending us a copy of her reference so we'd have it.

I told her that was completely unnecessary but she really wanted to so she did. And of course I got this the same day I heard from our social worker.

This reference is the twin mama from our infertility support group. She's also a social worker (and her sister built her family through adoption) and is used to writing references. I figured she'd be a good bet.

Turns out she was a great one. I know my friend is really good at her job and a great writer. I knew she'd do an amazing job. I opened it and started reading and the tears just poured out. How could I not cry when she started by writing the most wonderful things about the mister? And then about me? Damn, I'm crying again just thinking about it.

I know the other references will be just as good because they're also coming from dear friends. Reading this letter just makes it all seem a bit more real. It also reminds me of how much we've gained in the  last four years. So often it seems I just focus on the losses and the pain but (warning, if  you haven't figured out it's going to get a bit sappy) it's really not all about that. I have made some of the best friends a gal could hope for through the computer and IRL and grown even closer to other people in my life who 'get it'. I have a great husband and the  two most adorable (though sadly not best behaved) dogs in the world. And all those things I wrote about (and y'all added to) that will make all the evil in-laws green with envy. And soon I will get to share all of that (though maybe not the evil in-laws) with my kids.

Life is pretty damn good today.

Dinner for Eight

So the mister and I hosted our former Preparing for Adoption Class/now Adoption Support Group for dinner a few nights ago. I've been meaning to write about it for a couple of days but was recovering from the sangria.

Now if you listen to Thalia you might think I did a lot of work for this dinner but, please trust me on this, I did not. I had a super busy day Thursday starting with acupuncture.

Oh, I hadn't told y'all I was back on the needles? Hmmm, well I am. I mean I do truly love acupuncture. I'm have some concerns about my current practitioner (she gets a little too woo-woo for me at times and we disagree vehemently about some of the REs in the area but that's not what I pay her for). I told her I was interested in needles only at this point (and her lovely prenatals that I'm somewhat addicted to). No supplements. No herbs. No 'muscle testing' or 'detox testing'. No NET (neuro-emotional technique). ONLY NEEDLES.

Then I bought dog food (the non-poisonous kind) so my pups could have breakfast. They were very happy to see me or the fresh venison and millet. I'm sure it was me, right?

Next up was picking up a gift certificate for pocket from a wonderful meal delivery service. I got to talk to one of the chefs for a while and it was soooo much fun. He's worked at a lot of very cool restaurants around here and is now a personal chef for some of the biggest names in Silicon Valley. We got to talk pastries and chocolates and it was so much fun.

Then a quick visit with pocket and off to so some political advocacy. I'm actively supporting three bills relating to education (and y'all thought I just made cupcakes, right?) and was showing a staff member for my newest elected official around our literacy program.

Then home, baked some cookies, threw some sangria together, swiffered and had the mister pick up dinner. I did break out the good china but only because we don't have 8 other plates that match.

It was a good meeting. One of our couples had recently dealt with a scammer. They shared their story and words of caution. I think the scammer was just looking for attention (she never asked for any money or anything at all much like the one on the Dr. Phil so recently) and picked the wrong couple as they're both in law enforcement and were able to find out a lot of information once it seemed incredibly suspicious.

Another couple shared their profile and it looks really good.

I'm not sure how common this is but 3 couples in our group (including us) have decided to continue pursuing treatment. The recently jaded couple have decided to do another ivf. One other couple has called their clinic and asked about donor embryos and are now at the top of their list. I feel a bit guilty about that because I think it's because of us they've changed their mind. They have a completed home-study and are working on their profile but still aren't sure if adoption is the right path for them. And we shared where we are in the donor embryo process.

It just seems like a high percentage of folks that are still considering other options. I wonder if this is typical or if our group as a whole isn't fully committed to adoption. I also wonder if it's just the couples more likely to come to the meetings are less sure and need more support (this was only 4 out of 10 couples so it's a fairly small sample size).

Regardless, it was nice to hang out with some people thinking through the same issues as us, heading down at least similar paths.

Pi are square

The other night (3.14, to be precise) the mister and I were out celebrating Pi Day. It's the perfect holiday for the mathematician+baker couple but we'll let the rest of y'all enjoy as well. We went out for burgers and we're trying to find a late night spot to have a slice of pie. Normally I would have made a pie (or three) but it's been a busy week and I just didn't have the time.

We were walking down one of our fave streets when we came across a sign for a local adoption alliance that we knew was nearby but we had no idea was that close. It's above our favorite tea bar. And, yes, we are so California that we do in fact have a favorite tea bar.

It spurred me to check out some of the workshops they have and that spurred me to check out the schedule. We've been meaning to sign up for a class on issues in transracial adoption and this one of PACT's specialties. They also have a baby care for adopted infants taught by the doc that heads up our local international adoption clinic.

I love classes. I mean I loooooooooove classes. My nirvana would be I could find a way to stay in school forever and just study all kinds of things. My sister recently challenged me to learn something new by not taking a class. How cruel of her! She knows me all too well.

So we're now PACT members and signed up for two classes. The mister is also aware of my love for school and is indulging me.

Oh in case you're wondering, we had to settle for some really awful pie at a local diner. The mister's olallieberry pie was mostly edible even if it had tremendous amounts of cornstarch in the filling. I should have known better than to order the lemon cream pie. It was neon yellow and had never seen a lemon.

There's No Place Like Home

So we had our first home-study appointment on Tuesday and I really wanted to come and write about it but life has been insane the last couple of days.

First, if you don't read Tertia (and while it's hard to believe I know I have some friends and others who read me but not Tertia, as crazy as that sounds), you should. And you should know because she's had some incredible news this week: she got pregnant by having s-e-x! I know! How very 20th century of her, don't cha think? The mister and I are truly happy for her and you know we don't feel that way for just any asshole that laps us.

Now onto the home-study visit. Our hip social worker needed to push back our appointment by an hour. That's normally fine but I was on a really strict schedule on Tuesday. Of course we did it but then I was a bit rushed after (picking another friend up at BART at 5, visiting pocket's family at the hospital, making it to a meeting at 6 I had to present at, and finally ducking out of said meeting early to make it to a late dinner with Initial Girl and Sandal Boy who were in town for one night only on their move back up north).

HSW, as she'll be known now, showed up in purple glasses with a purple bag. Hmmm, think she liked my purple car? I don't actually know but she loved the colors we'd recently painted the rooms in the house. She said "not a lot of houses can carry off that kind of colors but this one can." I guess it's something like supermodels and skinny jeans? Our little bungalow can wear skinny jeans!!!!!!

We had a nice conversation and visit. She's an adoptee who's about our age so it was a closed adoption. She's obviously very committed to adoption because she's made this her life work. She asked some questions. She drank some water. She shared some resources. She seemed particularly interested in where our siblings lived and how often we were in contact with them and our parents. She found it amusing that instant messaging and blogs play a crucial role between my sister and me (my livejournal blog where life is boring and I'm not so bitter). She gave us a lot of paperwork (but not so much it feels insurmountable or overwhelming). She had a tour of the house (but not the basement, thank goodness) and met the dogs. It all went really well.

The one surreal thing was she asked me what I thought about the @utism-vaccine connection (for those of you that don't know, I worked in the field of @utism for more than a decade). I guess it's something she's been interested in for quite some time and really wanted to know. So I really let her know. It got us more than a bit off topic so I checked and she really was that interested and seemed to appreciate my answer.*

She never asked if we'd stopped "treatment" or if we were still pursuing "treatment" so I didn't get to go into my whole ED speech. We spent about two hours together and it passed so quickly.

I'd made some mini lemon poppy seed breads to take to pocket and convinced HSW to take one as well. Turns our her man is a professional baker with a well known dessert business. I guess it never hurts to suck up a bit.

I've learned a lot from my friends, on and off-line, who've already completed home-studies. We didn't stress about cleaning, we simply scheduled her visit shortly after a regular visit from our house-cleaner. I did pick up the dog toys and swiffer but that's about it. We didn't try to complete a lot of projects just for this. We were just ourselves and our house looks lived in by somewhat regular people. She was interested in our nursery plans and we talked about that in our second bedroom but mostly because I think she likes talking about houses and stuff.

We'll meet with her one more time in five weeks. She'll meet with us separately at that time and talk a bit more in depth about each of our families and just make sure we're both committed to this equally. We should be able to have all our paperwork done before that and just hand it to her then.

We'll also most likely be finished with our (first) ED cycle and with any luck at all we'll know where we stand.

It feels good to have this really moving along now.

*If you care to know my position, I don't even like using the word "connection" because I think there's absolutely no connection. There's a ton of research and no link whatsoever.  Every @utism researcher in the world will corroborate that. The most compelling recent research is in Scandinavia where rates of @utism are unfortunately not declining even though th1meros0l has been out of the vaccines for years there. I think the internet bears a huge role in how this ideas has spread and if you know the history of @utism over the last 50-60 years there have been a lot of "cures" and "causes" that fall in and out of favor. This doesn't meant that we shouldn't remove th1meros0l from vaccines and it isn't prudent to follow an altered vaccine schedule. I do believe vaccines are an important public health concern (did I mention I dated an epidemiologist at the CDC who traveled the world studying  exotic disease outbreaks?). Ok, climbing down off my soap box immediately.

Sunday in the City

Last Sunday we had our first get together with the folks from our adoption class. I wasn't  sure what to expect. There were 10 couples in our class and that was really structured so we didn't really have an opportunity to get to know each other like the mister and I had in our infertility support group.

I know this was a class, not a support group, but the mister and I really liked our support group. We bonded really well and genuinely liked everyone in the group. There was, and is, a deep connection. We still hang out (well, most of us do) and even though I wasn't looking for more friends, I found a bunch there. We hadn't been feeling that kind of love in our adoption class.

The guys in our class were the hosts. One is in real estate and the other manages a couple of hair salons in city. Yes, the world is really small. Of course he manages my salon. I'm sure I'll recognize him now in his spiffy suit (he came to class in comfy clothes). We gossiped a lot about the colorists and stylists. They have a great home and were much more relaxed than they'd been in class.

Only two other couples were able to attend so we all got to know each other really well.  We're all at different stages. One couple has chosen a facilitator and is working on their profile. Another is working with our agency and had the first draft of their profile for all to read. Our hosts are still working on the application.

The plan is to get together once a month or so and in the spirit of opening up to these folks and this path, the mister and I will be hosting next month.

Finally something to check off the list

I am very happy to report that I turned in our adoption application today! The mister finally finished up his autobiography last night after much prodding and nagging from me. Way too much nagging. He too had a really hard time with the now infamous question #27.

So just before noon I hand delivered a thick packet of contract stuff, autobiographies, copies of finger print paperwork and a check.

I'm going to start hunting down other things like birth certificates and financial records that I know we'll need. We should get assigned to a social worker and have our first meeting set up in a week or two.

One loose end is I still need to ask one friend if she'll be a reference. I've tried to ask, honest I have, but so far the closest I've gotten is a nice long conversation with her husband about movies (he had a couple of great recommendations) and a game of voice mail tag. Cross your fingers that I get to ask her before she reads it here first.

I'm also adding a new category called Take A Ride on the A Train for all adoption related stuff. Bebe is working hard to get me on the A Train. I think we're kind of in a similar spot to Beagle: not fully committed yet but getting all our paperwork done and ducks in a row. We'll probably still do a round or two of donor embies but who knows when my thyroid will cooperate and if our donor situation will work out.

It feels so good to be working towards something.