Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Love is All That I Can Give to You

Today marks my 6th wedding anniversary. The traditional gift is iron, the modern variant is wood. I'm not sure the mister is likely to get something of either. I'm not feeling creative at all and trying to curb spending. I think instead I'll cook a nice meal. We haven't spent much time at home lately and staying home sounds oh-so-much better than going out.

He is still the love of my life. Our wedding day is still one of the best days of my life. Maybe we'll just crack a bottle of champagne and watch our dvd.

Last year we were just barely treading water. Same with the year before. There were also blog posts on our third anniversary and even our second one. I suppose I should be thankful I wasn't yet blogging about infertility on our first anniversary but we'd already been diagnosed and had no idea of how much pain and heartache the future had in store for us. Good grief that means I've been blogging about this crap for over four years. Talk about treading water!

Our anniversary is always bittersweet. We married because we were ready after 7 years of living together and loving each other to start our family. It's been a helluva long six years.

This year is hard. We know there will be a baby in our future but we just don't know where or when. The chance at a "second honeymoon" baby would have been a nice thing to hold on to now, instead it's just yet another disappointment.

But each year I am more happy with my mister and our marriage. I am so glad I grew up enough by the time I met him to be done with bad boys really appreciate him. I am a very very lucky girl in that respect.

We Interrupt This Blog for a Public Service Announcement

Once again I must apologize for my tardy posting. I fear this is becoming quite the trend around here. I do have what I consider a fairly decent reason at least.

No not a super good one.

Just that my body seems to be falling apart. My RSI (repetitive stress injury aka carpel tunnel) has really been acting up lately. It seems I've been working from home too much and not "working from home" nearly enough. Get the difference?

At home I have an incredibly poor ergonomic setup. And I pay the price.

I try to take breaks (I promise!) and wear various guards. I have a wrist guard, a new elbow guard and even a spiffy night brace. Oh so sexy!

I am hoping my neverending project ends soon. Clearly it's not going to end soon enough. The mister's current project is getting a lot of press and if you are one of those people who like their video games, I do recommend downloading a certain hot editing tool for said all consuming project, available on both PCs and Macs (very important in this household since we are mixed).

Play some for me. I'm trying to limit my computer time over the next few days to save my non-bionic arm. Any assvice, voodoo, crackpot theories, etc would be totally appreciated.

Playing Hooky

Shhhh. Don't tell. I'm playing hooky today. I just need one day off from work. Just one day. I've been working 12-15 hours a day and it's really beating me down. I hit the wall at 12 hours of straight thinking, writing, reviewing and have powered through but it's taking a big toll.

I'd planned on working half days this weekend but have decided that I need more of a break. So today is all about basketball, dogs, working out and drinking beer.

So far we watched the Lady Heels beat Louisville earlier today, now the men will get their chance against the same school later tonight. We've found a fun new sports bar in the city that will be filled with people in Carolina blue and white screaming at the many tvs. It's like a flashback to my past - I had a favorite bar in Chapel Hill that I watched all the games on back when I lived there, where all my friends would go and get loud and raucous and very drunk.

So that's my plan for tonight. I won't have much of a voice tomorrow because I will scream so very loudly at the tv. Perhaps so loud that those boys in light blue will hear me all the way in Charlotte - 3000 miles away. I'm not much of a beer drinker these days but I do have a Pavlovian response to basketball that just can't be helped.

I hope to be a better blogger and internet friend in a very short while. Really I do. I even have news (not big news, don't get all excited) about our adoption consultant and some possible situations. Connie (my new nom de plume for our consultant) is off presenting multiple times at an adoption conference in Portland but she wants to meet with us when she gets back about a couple of possibilities. Did I mention one of her presentations is on ethics? Sooooo love that about her.

I'll leave y'all with a little laugh. She thinks we might be a match for a young couple looking for a "very athletic, fit couple". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes, she has met us. Perhaps she has us confused with another couple. Perhaps their other requirements are stronger (spiritual but not religious, no other children, etc). But even if you've never met us, I am sure that ATHLETIC and FIT would not appear anywhere on the adjectives you'd use to describe either of us. I am working hard at my boot camp. I'm even training for a 5k. I could probably stretch it a bit and say we're "active" but that's as far as it goes. Just had to share the hilarity.

Ok, back to our regularly schedule program of March Madness.

Fight fight fight ,for the Blue and White are rolling to Victory (at least I hope!)

One Perfect Day

The airline that I fly most frequently has a regular feature in their on-board magazine called Three Perfect Days. It's typically a piece written by someone who lives in or frequents a certain tourist destination and has all kinds of great information about where to go, what to see and do, what to eat, etc so that you can get a good sense of a place.

I love to read this article whenever I'm going someplace listed or know a place in detail. One of my favorite ones was an article on a lovely town in Central California that I lived in for a couple of years. They mentioned many of my favorite places from expensive to cheap. In fact, they wrote of a little hole in the wall taqueria that I adored, as did a very famous citizen of my town who was known round the world for her taste in food.

Now if you want to set the mister off, just tell him how much you love this taqueria. It never fails that when people find out we lived in said beach town they will try to tell us about finding this little hole in the wall. He thought it was horribly overrated. He didn't get it. He will never read a Three Perfect Days article because they mentioned this place as a must do.

I digress.

Last Monday I had my own perfect day. A large project of mine "went live" the week before but the fun part began on Monday. I got to show it off to a large number of employees and it met with rave reviews. I trained the first 10 folks on the application and they loved it. There was a great deal of good feedback and positive energy at work all day.

Then I had dinner with my friend the Red Headed Baker at a fab little creperie before attending a class on multi-grain breads. Now, if my sister were reading this, she would give me a very hard time for taking yet another class. But luckily she isn't and some of you will probably understand that I just love my classes.

Anyway, the instructor was an amazing man who is not only a great baker but a phenomenal teacher. It was a bit bittersweet for the Red Headed Baker as he was the reason she went to her culinary school but he left for greater things on the East Coast just before her program started. I might even consider moving back to one of my old home towns just to have the chance for more classes with him.

Ok, that was taking it a bit far. But I do have some lovely whole wheat starter and a big book of recipes to take me further into bread baking than I've ever gone before.

I got home late that night and was too excited to sleep, just like my old days in culinary school. It had been such a very long time since I had such an amazing day at work. And since I'd stayed late in a place that smelled so wonderful and yeasty, surrounded by other pastry fans. It reminded me that I'm really good at what I do, both in software and the kitchen. I can enjoy both tremendously and make room for both in my life.

This came just when I needed it most. I don't think it's a coincidence that so much goodness happened so recently on the heels of my return to baking and pondering various job prospects, I think it's about being more open to whatever goodness might be in the air. And making good things happen, yeast or no yeast. I live in a very special place known for the natural yeast in the air (that's why our sourdough is so special, unlike anywhere else in the world). Maybe there's more than just yeast in the air right now? I'll take it.

PS I'll try to write up the recipe I used for the cupcakes and post it or send it along. I like to play with recipes so I usually find a couple and tweak to my own tastes.

PPS By Friday I'd been lulled into a false sense of security from all my success earlier in the week and had a very not-so-pefect day on the last day of training. Humility is a good thing as well.

It's Just a Jump to the Left and then a Step to the Right*

I feel like I've been living in a time warp this last week. Suddenly my life is like it was five years ago.

Back then I was in a very technical position (which I realized I soooooo didn't like) and managed an offshore team. We bonded over biryanis and tikka masala. My team was mostly young and all male and it took longer for me to establish credibility with them than any time in my career. There was a big time difference (11.5 hours) and my schedule got a bit wonky.

I'd work a pretty full day at my incredibly huge cubicle (actually 4 cubes combined) on the penthouse floor of a very tall building with incredibly city views. Gotta love that dot.com mentality: all of the money went into incredibly expensive office space so by the time I joined all we really had were views. After my regular work day, I'd go home, relax, then get online again around 10-11 and work until midnight or 1. The day crew was at work and they needed more attention than the night (my day) team. We did a lot of training and server maintenance and such.

After that job I decided I never wanted to be that technical again, and I didn't really want to manage an offshore team. But you're now thinking, "millie, what about your yodeling days?"

I know. I wasn't thrilled with the whole offshore aspect during my yodeling career (and it bit big time to have to be at work at the butt crack of dawn) but I was there to support a team, not manage one. If they weren't in touch with me it only meant their needs didn't get met.

So fast forward five years. Exchange the biryani for borscht. And the chai for vodka and my life is looking pretty similar. I've spent the last few nights trying to wrangle a far away team into doing what I need and it's really hard. My project is slipping and I really hate that. Luckily there was great progress last night so we're only 4 days behind.

It's funny because I took that biryani contract so long ago because I didn't want another FTE position. We'd started trying to build our family and I didn't want to commit to something that I knew I'd be leaving once we had a baby. It was at that extra large cube that I first heard the words "High FSH" applied to me. That was one of the first days I ever cried at work and the tears just poured. It was there that one of my pumps and pearls friends, seven months pregnant with an adorable bump I found myself hating, told me there was hope and that donor eggs were a wonderful thing. It was there that I found Dr Local and the message boards and my first infertility blog.

And what has changed in those last five years? I'm still doing more technical work than I prefer. I still stay up late at night thinking about how I should be rocking a baby and not chatting with developers. I still don't want to be an FTE because I'll be leaving any time now to stay home with a baby.

What's changed? Not nearly enough.

*Yes I used to spend an awful lot of time at that particular midnight movie. I still know all the songs. The lp I played all through high school and college is one of the only ones I kept. I wanted to be Janet for Halloween but always ended up as Magenta. You did know I was a redhead for more than 10 years, right?

Two In Love Can Make It

Five years ago today, I married the love of my life. It really was a perfect day. I can't believe it's been five years.

Four years ago I didn't have a blog to record any of my feelings. We spent the weekend in Mendocino at a friend's cottage. There was a lot of champagne, a lot of hot tubbing and a lot of laughter. We were still hopeful. The result of that weekend was my first ectopic pregnancy. An extra-bitter person would say to herself, "See where hope takes you?"

Three years ago I had recently been to Garden State for the first time and the pain of that negative cycle was fresh in my mind. The friendships cemented that cycle are what linger from that cycle. I am so looking forward to going back and getting to hang with one of my favorite people in the world and her daughter.

Two years ago we were full of hope. We were planning our South African adventure. We were sure it was going to work.

Last year we were treading water.

And this year? Well, I don't even know what to say. We're barely treading water. I'm worried that the mister doesn't have much fight left in him. He feels oh-so-broken and I just don't know what to do. It's just breaking my heart.

But today is about remembering all that beauty and wonder of five years ago. We're headed off for some time just the two of us, no crazy kittens, no fighting dogs. The mister tried to plan the most awesome surprise ever but I think that will have to wait for another night (he was sick on "reservation day" so we're wait-listed).

I am so very glad we didn't know all the pain that was in store for us five years ago. I'm so very glad we had our "special day" (that's for you, Red-Headed Momma). Mostly I'm just so very glad that we found each other.

So, sing a little Nat King Cole along with me:

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

Spawn Stay Away

It's over. There's not a lot to tell. I could complain about all the waiting around and the need to register again even though I preregistered on the phone. But how possibly boring could I be?

Vic came in handy. There was a fair amount of pain and cramping, even with Vic. The mister was glad he came along and feels fairly sure that his hand will recover in a couple of weeks. He's got another one and frankly if all he had to deal with was me squeezing his hand, I'd say he got off easy, wouldn't you?

Glinda the good nurse was good indeed. She was warm and compassionate and had the coolest green paisley scrubs I've ever seen. She also had spiffy green striped glasses and it made me think of my first surgeon, she of the purple glasses. Perhaps spiffy glasses are a requirement at the hospital?

Glinda is also one of us. She lost her tubes to two ectopic pregnancies. Then went on to have two more ectopics, sans tubes. After that she finally tried IVF and now has 13 year old triplets. All girls. Can you imagine the movie 13 in triplicate? I can't.

So I'm going to focus on her success with ivf and ignore those last two ectopics. Glinda even said I could.

I'm also trying to ignore the longer bits of fallopian tube that were on one side than I'd been led to believe. Dr Gemstone should get the results soon and we'll see what she recommends. I'm hoping she'll just use the info to determine placement for transfer and not some other surgery.

On to the better part of the post.

Today I'm thrilled to bring you a greeting from another one of us. Ms Emily of Scrambled Eggs was in quite the Halloween spirit this year. Her husband decided to use a motif he sees all the time: that bio hazard icon found on the sharp's container. Another friend of hers gave it the title "Spawn Stay Away" and that seems very apropos. A flashlight inside gives it the extra glowy feeling.

Emily had some of her own fun in the stirrups today and is now paying for it. We're comparing painkillers and I think I'm wining that one. She's a ton tougher than I but I'm sure she could use any extra "cramps be gone" thoughts that might be floating around in your head.

Well, that explains A LOT

So I met with the fashionable Dr Endo yesterday afternoon. My tsh was a lovely 0.02. Yup, you read that right. Instead of being in the critical range of 1-2 it was barely there. That means my system is pretty much flooded with tons of thyroid hormone and no stimulating hormone is required. Or something like that.

She was amazed that my hands weren't more jittery when she had me hold my arms out. I laughed and told her just how hard I was concentrating. My eyes aren't all buggy either so that's a good sign. It had only gotten really bad in the last week or so so she thinks we're actually narrowing in on the right dosage.

She told me not to take any synthroid for three days (which should help me sleep better) and then switch to 100 micrograms (I'd been on 150). She thinks with my current levels the three drug free days will give me a chance to mellow out a bit without crashing entirely. Retest blood-work in six weeks (although I have a standing order for three weeks so I can do it a bit sooner if I really want to).

She cautioned me not to attempt a frozen transfer just yet. I told her that was fine and I wanted to get this well under control first. Enough said about that.

I was reading up on hyperthyroidism was exhibiting the following symptoms:

____ My pulse is unusually fast
____ My hands are shaking, I'm having hand tremors
____ I feel nervous or irritable
____ My muscles feel weak, particularly the upper arms and thighs
____ I am having difficulty getting to sleep, staying asleep, or going back to sleep after awakening in the middle of the night
____ I feel fatigued, exhausted
____ My skin is coarse, dry, scaly, thin
____ I feel depressed
____ I feel restless, or anxious
____ My moods change easily
____ I have feelings of worthlessness
____ I have difficulty concentrating or focusing
____ I have more feelings of sadness
____ I seem to be losing interest in normal daily activities
____ I'm more forgetful lately

I knew rationally that my thyroid could be at least partially responsible for much of what I was experiencing but had no idea it could be sooooo much of it. It's also really intriguing to me that many of these symptoms are also associated with hypothyroidism.

I want to thank y'all for all the nice comments. I did not deserve a one of them. What an incredible whiner I was! It felt good to write and get it out but I cringed at how whiny and self-absorbed I was. I guess we all have days like that but I do recognize how lucky I am and how good most of my life is.   

And no one even told me I needed a swift kick in the ass or to get over myself. I think both would have helped. In the future, feel free to do either.

Y'all were all so sweet no one even told me I was a bit off with my days (I thought Monday was the 24th, not Wednesday). I really need to get back to work so I can at least know what day it is.

I do know today is Friday and I intend to start my weekend off my catching a matinee of, perhaps, Little Children (it received two Oscar nods so it would be a great movie to check off my list). See? My life is pretty darn cushy.

Tangerine Trees and Marmalade Skies

Marmalade class got a nice little ditty stuck in my head. It also got me back to something I like and something I excel at.*

There were a baker's dozen of us, including the Marmalade Queen herself. She is so lovely. Very British but in an Americanized and lives in Berkeley kind of a way, if you know what I mean. She makes the most amazing products and can spot a 'machine cut' preserve at 100 feet.

It was very fun to hang out with Initial Girl again. I do miss her. It's a bit funny because when you're not with someone as often as you once were, certain things come rushing back to you that you don't remember until you're back together. Personality things. It just takes a bit of time to readjust, which is kind of sad.

These classes are a nice mix of folks. People who have been canning and preserving for years and some (like me) just starting out. Several folks brought their own marmalades for tasting. One gentlemen brought his own fruit from his backyard. Many of us grow organic Meyer lemons and other heirloom citrus. It is California, after all.

Near the end of class while the marmalade was cooking off (it had already cooked down), I got to talking with a woman I'd taken a conserve class with last summer. We got onto the subject of food blogs. I shared a few of my favorites. She asked if I had a blog. I told her I did, but it wasn't a food blog. She said she'd love to read it. I told her it was pretty bitter and depressing and that it wasn't related to food at all. She asked what kind of blog it was so I simply said "an infertility blog".

She asked if I was dealing with infertility and I said I was. She then said "it's so very hard and no one understands just how hard it is unless they've been there."

Yet again, because of being a tiny bit open, I found a sister. We shared a lot more. I thought we just had a love of cooking in common but there's another bond, a stronger one. We talked for a bit about adoption and all sorts of other things. She talked about how hard it was when she was pursuing treatment. Her oldest daughter is adopted.  Even though it had been many years she still understood the pain. I guess it's true you never really resolve your infertility, you just deal with it.

She asked for my blog name and I gladly gave it to her. Here's to PP and marmalade skies.

*Taking classes, you silly people I'm soooooo good at school. Making things? Not so much but I love classes.

Meme of the Year

Let's take a stroll down meme-ory lane. shall we? I'm sure most of y'all recognize this but this is how every month started off in my blog last year.

January: I guess one of my resolutions this year will be to have more fun, and do more memes. I can't get hoppin' john (since I'm actually on a plane right now) so I thought I'd finally answer these questions. It was lots of fun trying to think of my favorites in each category. Thanks for indulging me by reading.

February: So last night was the first installment of what we lovingly call "The Divorce Game" in our house. No, there's no Bob Eubanks or embarrassing questions about making whoopie or major household appliances to be won.

March: I don't think you ever get used to earthquakes. At least this gal from the east coast hasn't gotten used to them yet.

April: Ok, it's finally time to recap the last few days. I'm sufficiently recovered from my travels.

May: What a long weekend! I woke up around 4 am Friday with a fair amount of pain. All the feelings and pains of the last ectopic came rushing back. It was really weird and strangely familiar, kind of like, "oh yeah, THAT'S what it feels like and man does that ever suck." Not fun at all.

June: I had ambitious plans of posting many witty observations of my recent emergency room experiences.

July:Get on the bus, get on the bus, you got to, got to get on that bus.

August: Here's the part where I tell y'all there might be a new plan. It's still much too shiny and unsure at this point. Nothing is close to definite. But tea will be had tonight (or perhaps coffee). Tentative steps taken to a tentative plan.

September: Since the new season of House just started, I thought I'd devote a post to some housekeeping issues.

October:  I'm about to become the bitch in the family. I suppose that's assuming I'm not already. Hmm, I'm about to solidify my bitch standing. There's a wedding this coming weekend and there's already a brouhaha.

November:This is one of those months that's only 30 days, right? So I'm sure I can post 30 days in a row. How hard can that be? Guess I'll find out.

December: I'm really not dead yet. I'm here, just crazed. Can you believe I actually have to work most of the time these days? There is actual cutting, pasting and saving to do. How annoying!

Hmmm, interesting how an infertilty blog doesn't have all that much to do with infertilty. At least on the first days of the month. I reckon it's a fair assessment of my year: couple of trips to Cape Town, a lot of time spent on an ectopic pregnancy and its aftermath, some evil in-law stuff and my yodeling job. Guess we'll have to just see how this year plays out.

One night in Bangkok makes a hard woman humble

This post is coming from Narita International Airport in Tokyo. What a couple of days we've had!

We had the most incredible experience at an elephant conservation park yesterday. We got to feed them, bath them and admire them. This park has about 30 elephants that have been rescued from logging, trekking and street begging jobs. I'll write a long post (with pictures) very soon. I promise.

Then the mister and I flew back from the north of Thailand to Bangkok. I had this great idea to stay up all night celebrating, as our flight was very early this morning. I was romanticizing the whole "one night in Bangkok", to be sure. Perhaps way over-romanticizing it.

For the first time in our trip we ran into a lot of language problems. No one could tell us where to celebrate. No one seemed to understand at the airport. Not the bank tellers, not the left baggage folks, not even the information folks. They told us it would be very hard to get downtown and the expressway was closed. They didn't tell us why.

We found a cab driver who agreed to take us to the Grand Palace. The information folks said that should be a good place to watch fireworks. The cabdriver agreed but took us to a different site. The Central World Plaza, which up until late 2001 was known as the World Trade Center.

It was spooky how deserted the streets were around there. We saw the  most beautiful shrine that we'd missed on our earlier trip. We heard there'd been bombs earlier. That's when we got a bit worried. Though, perhaps not worried enough.

Just after midnight we started to hear fireworks. Well, for the first second I thought they were fireworks. Then the sound got much, much louder. I thought my eardrums were going to burst. People started running past us. It was a bomb. Turns out it was one of 7 or 9, depending on the news source. It exploded maybe 50-100 meters away from where we were standing. Thank goodness we'd been walking slowly down the street. That's incredibly close.

We saw a couple of foreigners who were badly injured. Many people rushed to help them and medical care was there very quickly. There was already a lot of police in the area from the earlier blasts.

I have never been so scared in my life. I was terrified. The mister and I scurried along the side of a large hotel and into relative safety. We talked with a French family who were also petrified. No one else spoke French so we explained what was going on. We tried to do so in a way to keep the kids calm. Somehow 'petite bomb' isn't very comforting.

We finally felt safe enough about 30 minutes later to venture forth, catch a cab and head to the airport hotel. We recouped a bit, had a somber drink and ended up playing many hands of bridge with a nice older couple waiting for the same flight. My heart rate finally slowed but my hands are still shaking as I type this.

Many people were injured and at least two have died. Please keep them all in your thoughts. May 2007 be a much better year all the way around.

A quick update from Bangkok

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year. I'm in Bangkok for the moment. The wedding was lovely and I'm so glad we were able to attend. The mister and I leave for Angkor Wat tomorrow which is one of the seven wonders of the world, or so our travel agent tells us. We're staying in an incredible hotel here. It's truly one of the most amazing places I've ever seen. If only they had affordable internet access. I guess if you can afford a great room you don't need to sweat the small things.

We're having a blast on our trip and can't wait to see more incredible sites.

Wishing all of us a very happy new year. The days will be getting longer (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) and the light will be much appreciated.

May 2007 be the best year yet and may all of us have our dreams come true.

life's a beach

So I wrote this lovely update of a post from the snazzy business center of the posh hotel right by the new airport in Bangkok. I paid for an hour and thought I had plenty of time. You know where this is going, don't you?

I thought I had two minutes left when I pressed the lovely publish now button. That's when my post got eaten and I lost all. I also got a talking to by the mister because he needed 5 minutes to send one email and I'd selfishly hogged all the time. Why didn't he understand there were a couple of internet friends I needed to check in on?

So here's a recap of that post:

• Long flight with horrible food. Absolutely zero leg room. Bad movies. Blech.
• Connected to another long flight with even worse food. Couldn't even see the horrible movies.
• Note to self: pay the extra moolah and don't fly the friendly skies to Asia. Japan Airline, sure, Singapore Air in a heartbeat, the one we ended up on? Never again.
• We did get to fly with the bride and groom and that was very nice.
• We saw friends of our friend, Aimee, but they were too stressed to talk to us. They're moving to BKK for a couple of years.
• We had a loooooovely few hours in a cushy king-sized bed that got the kinks out.
• We met up with our Thai travel agent, recommended by our good friend, Pocket, and she's a lovely woman. It turns out she's very close to the bride's parents and will be at the wedding. Small world!

Now we're on a beach in the south of Thailand. The water is warm. The people are friendly. The food is amazing. We've slept and slept and slept. Today we're exploring the island on a motorbike. The mister's driving skills are  a bit rusty so I made us stop for a cold beverage and some cheap internet. I think I'm fortified and can continue on.

Back to my tough vacation life. There is snorkeling in my future and many cheap massages on the beach.

I hope all my Bay Area gals are surviving the rain. I hope everyone else is surviving holiday planning.

No more yodeling for me

Today was my last day of work for the rest of the year. It was also my last day ever at my current job. I was very much looking forward to finishing up so I was a bit shocked when it turned out to be more than a tad bittersweet.

I didn't sleep much last night. I'm not sure if I was keyed up about our upcoming vacation and my long to-do list or if it's the increase in my thyroid meds. Whatever. There was no sleep for me (which meant not much for the mister or the dogs).

As I left my house at a little after 4 for the last long drive to the purple campus, I remembered my first day of work and how differently I felt then. How could I not, right? It's natural to think of the beginning again when you're at the end.

My first day ended in an ectopic rupture and emergency surgery. Not exactly the way you want to start any job. My last day was just a couple of days before my would-have-been due date. Beginnings and endings.

I know I've complained about the tediousness of the work, the horrendous hours and the painful commute. But I do think this job has helped save my sanity and restore a bit of my self-confidence.

Pastry school saved me after my first ectopic. It gave me a place to go just enough days of the week and something to focus on besides my lack of fertility. It also gave me a group of zealots who were as obsessed with the perfect crumb as my infertile friends are with the perfect egg. Actually there was a lot about eggs there as well.

My stint at the Purple Palace did much of the same. I found the Millie that was good at things, even if it was cutting, pasting and saving. I did a kick ass job and I was really good at it. It had been a while since I felt confident and competent at much in my life.

Last week we had a staff meeting and awards were given out. I'm not a fan of this approach. I've never found it particularly motivating, whether I was on the receiving end or not. I think all too often the wrong behaviors (working long hours/holidays/whatever) are reinforced.

I was stunned when I received an award. I'm the first contractor in my group to get one. I really don't think it's fair (hahahahahahaha--what does fair have to do with anything) as I made more money than almost everyone in the room and got to work fewer hours. I thought it was incredibly awkward and wished all of my colleagues had been recognized as well. There was a cash component and a nice letter--too bad it couldn't go in my permanent record.

I'm looking forward to new challenges. My next gig will be much more in line with my skill-set and I think I'm ready for that. That's the lasting gift of the last six months: I really can survive just about anything and I can even begin to thrive.

I'm not sure I'll have much of a chance to post until the new year but I'm looking forward to the solstice and the promise of light in the darkness that comes with that. May we all find a bit of light and hope in the promise of a new year and many good things for all of us. I really do think 2007 will be a much better year.

I'm not dead yet...for reals

I'm really not dead yet. I'm here, just crazed. Can you believe I actually have to work most of the time these days? There is actual cutting, pasting and saving to do. How annoying!

The mister and I spent a lovely Turkey Day weekend with my family and friends in the best Carolina of them all (don't listen to Julianna about her opinons on Carolinas--she's right about most things but oh-so-wrong about this one little thing). The weather was nothing short of glorious-warm, sunny, crisp. Definitely the southern part of heaven.

There was the traditional meal. With, unfortunately, a very traditional dry turkey. One of the driest turkeys ever. Now, I really have no idea how this particular turkey got so very dry (I know it was horribly over cooked and not brined/marinated/wrapped in bacon which is my fave way to do turkey breast) except the cook turned down all offers of help from the other cooks in the house. Including the cook who taught many, many turkey and holiday cooking classes. So we all got to enjoy the very dry turkey.

To make up for that, the very next day the mister and I got to have lunch with three lovely ladies and most of their menfolk. We had some mighty fine fried chicken and much good conversation. Then they look me to mecca. Now, I thought I'd been there before but it had been years and it was in the old location. I used to spend a lot of time there, in fact. If I ever move back to NC I think I should just beg for a cot in the corner.

It was a great trip but we were so ready to get home to our comfy bed. Not that we're going to be here for long as the countdown to Thailand is officially on. We leave in 11 days. Eeeeeek.

In very good news the half-way quitting is working out quite well. I only worked 3 days this week and last week and I'm thinking of working four days next week. We'll see how it goes. We have a ton to do before we leave.

Dr Local came through with a synthroid prescription so I've been back on the juice for a little over a week. I have an appointment with Dr Endo in January and that's all ok for now. We meet with the psychologist today and the genetist just after. So things for January are rolling right along.

I got to see my friend Amie last night. We had a girls' night out at a jewelry trunk show. It was quite fab. There were pom martinis and lots of sparklies. Way too many of the sparklies ended up in my car but that's ok. Amie was touched by my post and very touched by all the nice comments. She's on the mend and perhaps soon will begin thinking about next steps. Always a hard thing, no?

I'm horribly behind on my blog reading. I hope to get all caught up, I promise. I hate how life has gotten in the way of my internet time. Hope everyone is well and even if I'm not commenting much now, I'm trying to read up. I promise to do better soon.

So very scattered today

I want to write a coherent post but I just don't think that's going to happen today. You have all been warned!

I've been thinking about the conference last weekend and how best to write about it. I know I'm a tease but I think I'll write one post on the key note speaker, one on the third party reproductive issues and another on domestic adoption and parenting thoughts. It's all about bite-sized pieces. I bet y'all thought that since Halloween was over it'd be back to full size candy bars, right?

I realized today I'd never written here about my fertile/infertile drive-by of a few months ago. It was incredibly painful and I'm still dealing with it. I got hit again today, just as I thought I was coming out of it. So for all of you who seem to think that I'm a really strong person or can deal with a lot,  my true petty and bitter self will be coming out in full force when I  can write about this without my fingers shaking and not feeling a horrible pit in my stomach.

In much better news, BEBE gets here tonight and I'm very stoked for her visit. Our poor men are already regretting the weekend we have planned. Way. Too. Many. Words. For. Any. Men.

It will, however, involve a trip to the stroller mecca of North America, or at least the Bay Area. I haven't written much about my passion for incredibly expensive and hard to find strollers here but rest assured, I have very specific ideas about strollers. And they don't involve anything that starts bug (those are sooooo several years ago, IMHO).

And in other news, there's a job I heard about that has me very excited. VERY excited. I've worked a contact or two and think I have a potential way to get my foot in the door. At least for an initial interview. So hold good thoughts, cross fingers, hold thumbs, do whatever you do. Did I mention I was very excited about this possibility? Could be a chance to use my powers for good, not evil. And, like Martha herself would say, that's a good thing.

A girl could use some help...

Ok this whole resignation letter writing campaign isn't going as well as I'd like. Um, like it hasn't happened. I hate this sort of thing. I generally stick with jobs until they boot me out (which happens a lot in the high tech world) or I leave the state. Neither of those scenarios are looking terribly likely.

So, write my letter of resignation and I'll send a prize your way. I'm serious. I don't want to burn my bridges but ,good grief, this is making me crazy. Not to mention having NOOOO life.

Here are some things you can use or not use. Feel free to make up other stuff. There could be multiple prizes. Perhaps even Yodeling! schwag. They are heavy on the schwag thing around here.

Things to include or not as you see fit:

• mind numbling boring work
• zero challenge
• difficult political situation (too many responsibilities with nooooooo authority-reporting to two bosses and requiring one of them to submit deliverables to me)
• hella commute
• horrendous hours
• no usage of  corporate gym
• a trained monkey could do my job
• no more WFH (booooo hooooo)
• already bought a MINI tickets to Thailand, stainless steel railings, new mattress so don't need so much cash
• will begin medical treatment soon which will require  several appointments per week
• said medical treatment might also involve  international travel because you just never know
• don't give a shit about anything but above medical treatment
• (y'all know I won't have THAT many appointments but no one around here knows much about ART)

Thanks in advance for doing my dirty work for me!

I used to call that number all the time

I haven't been very motivated to blog lately. I have all these trivial things to talk about but it all seems so meaningless when I think of what's going on with Manuela and Alex. I also recently spent some time with The Designer who got to spend another week in the hospital (Emergency room scare followed by strict bedrest but she's home now for a bit. She thinks she'll be back amongst her buddies at the hospital but let's hope not). And then I read Patricia's recent post and was just so sad.

So I decided to go with the the easiest post: a word association meme.

I was tagged by the lovely Bebe-who will be visiting me in a couple of short weeks. I can hardly wait. I think we'll have to send our poor husbands on some long errand because I know mine will claim to 'run out of words' within minutes of their arrival. Damn that couples therapist who told him years ago that men used many fewer words a day than women).

So the task was free associating to four words. I should warn you, I'm not very good at free associating. I tend to come up with a bunch of things at once because I have to qualify everything.

Blues: Friday Night Blues or Tangoed Up In Blues is actually the first thing to come to mind. The mister and I used to swing dance but we couldn't transition to Lindy Hop so we waited that craze out. Now the cool kids (and they let us come too) get together for blues dancing. It's so easy even white boys with no rhythm can do it. The mister is a great dancer. I'm still trying to learn to follow. Maybe one day Baby Blues will be the association? I suppose I have Baby Blues (eyes, that is) but I've not yet had those other baby blues.

Echo: Ok. This one really was easy. Y'all know how I love the Partridge family, right? RIGHT? Remember my 40th birthday party where my dj gladly brought David/Keith and Shirley into the mix. So, Echo must be Echo Valley 26809. Love that song. And of course, Susan Dey transitioned to serious actress in the indie film Echo Park.

Elegance: Audrey Hepburn WAS elegance, pure and simple. Man, she was sooooooo elegant. I don't think she even tried, she just was.

Punch: Church punch. My mom used to make this for special parties like showers or open houses at Christmas. It's a very Southern thing. There are simple recipes but I think my mom's involves making a base with various juices (pineapple juice is key) and freezing it. Then ginger-ale is key. And some folks put in lime sherbet but we didn't usually include it.

Hmmm, who to tag? I think everyone has done this one so I'll spare you. Instead go visit one of the folks above, if you haven't already.

Sisters are doin' it for themselves.

Boy, do I wish I'd gotten a weekend this time around. Instead, I had to drive back and forth to a weekend conference for a volunteer advocacy group I belong to. Normally I look forward to this but I really wasn't in the mood. We are a group of strong and determined women. We sponsor and support legislation around our focus areas (women and children in need) in our state (and now a bit on the federal level). This was our time to get together and talk about all of our wins this year.

The last conference was in May and I wasn't able to attend. You might remember I was dealing with an ectopic pregnancy back then. My doc wouldn't let me drive to our lovely State Capitol because there wasn't guaranteed medical care along the way. Excuses were made, along the lines of a family emergency I suppose.

So I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I missed a few other milestones over the summer (see ectopic pregnancy above) and was feeling pretty disconnected. Often at these conferences there are a few pregnant women. Sometimes even small babies. I dreaded seeing more evidence of everyone else's fertility. But I went anyway.

The leader was one of the first people I saw. I apologized for being absent in May, she definitely hadn't been given any details. I filled her in because even if people don't know much about ectopic pregnancies, they seem to understand how difficult they are (except for my in-laws, of course). She confided that she'd just had a miscarriage within the last 2 weeks and no one else knew. She wasn't looking forward to dealing with any pregnant attendees either. Luckily, we both got off easy.

Later, in the lunch line, I was admiring one of my favorite people's outfit. It was by a designer I love but can never afford. She said she bought it because it was expandable and she was ttc. She said no one had warned her that the part where your ttc is the part where you put on so much weight. Because of the drugs. I told her I was a sister in that journey and we'd have to compare notes. I realized then that her eyes were a bit sadder than the last time I'd seen her.

We got down to the business at hand and I didn't have time to talk to my fellow IFers any more. But it helped me tremendously to know I wasn't alone in the room. I think it helped them as well. We're all about thank you notes and such and I intend to write each of these ladies a lovely one.

Feeling a Bit Random Today

So I was all set to come and post about my RE appointment last night but I've decided that deserves a completely separate post. So I will make you wait. Bwahahahaha.

Instead I'll ask you to go show Liana some love. She got a negative from her South African FET yesterday. I'm a super lucky gal and I get to show her in person because she's arriving here today. If you see a couple of drunk, bitter women wandering around the city, stop and say hi. Better yet, buy us a drink. She'll be the one in fabulous shoes. I'll be her sidekick.

Then I'll ask you to think of my friend Daisy Mae, a frequent commenter here and a very good (internet) friend. She just found out she lost her pregnancy at 19 weeks and I'm totally gutted for her and her man. It's just so totally fucked up. It's been a long hard road for them and what little heart I have left is breaking.

And a hearty thanks from The Designer. She was touched by your comments and is doing quite well. With a little luck, and goodness knows she's way overdue for that, she'll be allowed to cross the big scary bridge back to her home and continue her bed rest there. She's not completely out of the woods but the methotrexate seems to be doing it's thing and her extensive medical team is encouraged. She looks and sounds incredible. The mister and I got to spend some quality time last night with her and her mister. Fun times in the hospital. Seriously. No one that's been on bedrest that long and through what she's been should look that good. Almost makes me want to hate her.

Now I'm off to take a nap to prepare me for the good Teendoctor's arrival. Today was another early morning and fwiw I was scheduled for another 22 super-early days, which means 11 weeks because Wed-Fri I sleep in all the way to 5:35 am. I know! I'm a total lazy bum. I think that number will drop drastically because I see myself giving notice in the very near future. But that's yet another post. See how I'm tricky you to come back?

Keep it loose, Keep it tight

Good grief but 4 am just gets earlier and earlier. How is that even possible? I'm counting down the weeks days that the alarm will go off at the horrible hour.* I do, at least, have a soothing CD instead of a blaring alarm (because the mister needs his beauty rest). I'm lazy, though, so it doesn't get changed very often. It's from my new collection commonly referred to as the Garden State Set around my house.

I recently purchased something like 12 cds that each could have been part of the soundtrack. There's this internet station that I listen to sometimes called Cool As Folk but it's really all Garden State all the time. It's good music to copy, paste and save to. It's excellent music to listen to while telling people to SCROLL DOWN or reboot. I do need to keep my calm if it's yet another scroll down issue.

My 4 am cd is Amos Lee...I know the first part of Track 1 so very well now. The problem is I want to listen to it and the mister (and the dogs) don't really appreciate that at 4 am.

It also throws my carefully scheduled morning off by a tiny bit if I do so. My goal is to be out the door by 4:14 at the latest. With all my gear and a MINI mug of English Breakfast tea that has been allowed to steep for exactly 4 minutes. As much as I love me some Amos in the morning, my day will be total shit if I get thrown off that early. Then I remember to keep it loose.

Some times we forget what we got
    And who we are and who we are not
    I think we got a chance to make it right
    Keep it loose
    Keep it tight
    Keep it tight

With any luck at all it will be only 22 after today. I can do that, right?

Do you think I should take a class

Yes it's that time of the year. I'm another year older. Not sure about the wiser part. So is my pal, Ben. He's a youngster who is just turning 40 this year.

Four years ago today I got engaged. In an incredibly romantic spot, overlooking the pacific ocean, at sunset. We were ready to start our family and hoping for a honeymoon baby.

Three years ago this weekend I went to my first RESOLVE conference and met Krispy Kreme and her pals. I was still reeling from the high fsh diagnosis but sure it would all work out soon.

Two years ago I was planning my first ivf at Garden State. I figured it was my best shot at the best clinic for us high fshers.

Last year I was hopeful at this time. Cape Town was ahead of me. Life was looking good. I was hoping I'd have my baby in my arms by this birthday. That softened the blow a bit.

This year I'm working hard to regain my life. I'm learning to smile again. I know it's a fake smile (no cheek raise--I used to study smiles with the best of them so I can fake a real one if I really want to but it's so much effort).  I'm zipping around in Violet. Planning trips to exotic locations. Buying some new furniture. I'm trying hard not to be too wistful or regretful today but I'm definitely not where I wanted to be. Not by a long shot.

Here's to having a child by next year. Until then, I'll continue to do the best imitation of myself.

It's a Dog's Life

Today the mister and I decided to watch a matinee. In our bedroom. On our super comfy new mattress. You know the kind where you can drop a bowling ball on the bed and not upset the wine glass? Well, the industry calls that 'low motion transfer' and we just call it niiiiiicccce.

We're trying to get caught up on our Netflix queue. Somehow 75% of the dvds we currently have are all Deadwood. That's a lot of the c word. And the remaining dvd is Angels in America Part I. I guess we really are all about the HBO in our house. Due to the less than equitable but oh so satisfying split in our queue, the Deadwood are all mine and Angels in America is thanks to the mister. If I were a mean wife, I'd point out that we received AIA on May 25, more than 3 months ago. Ok, I am a mean wife. BUT since he only gets one movie we should at least watch it, right? And we won't even talk about the time I had Pilates for Dummies for 8 months. Promise me we won't.

We started the day with very ambitious plans: meeting friends and their dog for a walk at 8:30. This seemed like an excellent idea when we made the plans. I have to get up at 4 am tomorrow and figured 8 would be no problem. But we (especially the mister) got a bit cocky.

Last night he wondered if we should call said friends and remind them. I didn't think that was necessary. Last night I asked if we should set the alarm as a backup. He didn't think that was necessary. Hahahahahaha.

When our friend called at 8:40 we were both sound asleep. Luckily for us they had slept in until 8:28. I'm sure you won't find this amusing but rest assured the four of us found it HILARIOUS.

So we quickly met up, took a nice long walk, then had a nice long breakfast at a dog friendly cafe. The mister and I figured we'd earned our matinee aka nap. We figured we'd enjoy our new mattress and darkened bedroom for better matinee enjoyment. The dogs were also tired and seemed to like this plan.

That is, they liked this plan right up until the part where our younger (and heavier) dog, in deep sleep, rolled off the bed onto her older sister who was quietly sleeping next to th bed. It's a long way down from a pillow-top mattress to the floor. Needless to say both dogs woke up abruptly and very confused. Luckily no fights ensued. It was wrong of the mister and I to laugh as hard as we did. We know that, truly we do, but it was just so incredibly random.

Guess those firm sides the salesman told us about can now be seen as both a plus and a minus. At least to the canines in the house.

House(keeping)

Since the new season of House just started, I thought I'd devote a post to some housekeeping issues. There are lots of things floating around in my head that I thought I'd already posted but it turns out I haven't. Must just be the friendly voices in my head that I'm thinking of.

Why I'm not doing any more testing at this point: Several folks asked and I meant to email you back. I swear. I do have good intentions when it comes to emailing. Anyway, I decided to just try one ED cycle without doing any more testing (like the endometrial biopsy or testing a la Dr Antibiotics). Three doctors who I respect the hell out of tell me I should just try again. That I've just had more than my fair share of bad luck. I think that maybe getting the other tube out will solve some if not all of the issues. If there was some toxic stuff in that, then it's gone. I think our chances are ok for the ED cycle. If we get more info then, perhaps I'll do the beta integrin test and/or antibiotic therapy. I'm not willing to consider another full blown donor egg cycle without doing those first but this just seems right for now.

Where we stand on the embryos: Things are moving along but it's been a bit slow due to the end of summer stuff. They were vacationing, we were vacationing. Everything is a go. They are more than willing to do the infectious disease testing (whew!) so no worries there. I'm hoping we can get together this weekend to see how close we are with the contract. Then things will move really quickly I think. I'm hoping to cycle in October or so.

What else I need to do before I cycle: I'm still being very good and taking all my vitamins. And my folgard. Yay me! I need to find a new endocrinologist--not an RE, just an E. Anyone got one near me that they love to bits? I want to get my thyroid back under control. I'm sure it's a bit high again. I'd love any and all recs (or people to stay away from as well). I'll probably start acupuncture again closer to my cycle. I think that's about it this time around.

What's up with the adoption thing: The mister and I are headed to an orientation at a local agency  next week. They do both domestic and international adoptions and are very well respected. We have a few ideas about which way we're leaning but that's another whole post. If we like the agency we'll probably sign up for their next intro series where you begin everything. Yay for that!

What's up with the work thing: Well, they like me. They really like me. I was gone for a week and they really missed me. They've extended my contract and that's ok with me. Just barely ok. I'm more than a bit tired of the commute. And the boring work. But not the free coffee. I'm worried because they started using those three little letters that strike fear into my heart FTE (full time employee, for you non high tech folks). They are 'trying to create a position' for me. A more senior position, much higher level appropriate with my skillset and experience. They want to 'make this happen' but I'm not supposed to talk about it. I tried to tell them not to try very hard. I really really really really don't want to become an FTE. It means much less money. Longer work hours. More stress. Benefits that I don't give a crap about (except the gym--that would be cool). And I'm really not willing to commit to much more than 3 months at the time right now. I'm just trying to hold onto my upcoming vacation in 14 weeks. But who's counting?

What ever happened to the mister's blog? He is still going to start one. I think it's got a name and he just needs to find a block of time to start on it. Thanks so much for all the great suggestions and especially the other guys that are out there. Y'all will be the first to know when he's out there. I promise.

What's up with the car? We're hoping to pick her up tomorrow. Those beamer folks are a bit slow processing checks. They've had a wad of $$ for a day and I'm hoping it will be just one more day.

What kept you from the internet all last week? My 'rents were here. Yes, I'm still recovering. We did have a great visit and a lot of fun. I also remembered why several thousand miles provide a nice buffer zone. We took the dogs up to [email protected] [email protected] and had a blast. It was so very pretty up there. I'm completely exhausted now and need a vacation from my vacation.

What's the best news you've heard recently? There seems to be a lot of good news out there for a change but you might not have heard of any of it:

• The lovely Kate and her recipient both got bfps on their shared cycle! 
• A friend's husband will finally let her 'fess up that their first donor cycle worked. She's 11 weeks and the mister and I are over the moon. I thought I'd written a post trying to out her a few weeks ago but that must have been the voices in my head. I'm so very glad her man came to his senses because they are going to be amazing parents. Well, she is. ;)
  
• And the lovely BONNIE who many of you know from her comments on other blogs, and who still hasn't started her own blog even though I've begged and pleaded repeatedly, gave birth to her son a few days ago. Mom and baby are doing great. He's a totally cute baby. She's gobsmacked. I'm crying tears of joy for them.

How's that for ending on a good note or three!

what a horrible, horrible day

Some Monday's suck. Some suck big time. Yesterday was such a Monday.

It's not bad enough that I have to arise BEFORE the crack of dawn, at 4 am, to drive the 45 miles to work. It's not bad enough that the free coffee doesn't start unil 7 am (I know I might have lost sympathy points there with the whole 'free coffee' thing but I really don't care) to fully caffeinate me for the day. And then work 8 hours. That wasn't bad enough. Not even close.

I was completely exhausted and all I wanted to do was go home and nap. So of course when I walked out to my car to leave I was confronted with a flat tire. I hate flat tires.

I didn't want to be all girly and ask for help but I had a tough time with the jack. I really really hate being girly and asking for help. You can probably imagine. But I was about to cry and that is much worse.

everything's gonna be all right, rockabye

I thought I'd share a bit about my exciting job with y'all. I was going to call this post One Day in the Life of Millie Milanovich--but that seemed way too highbrow for this blog.

I've got a whole bunch of posts brewing around in my head, I swear that I do, and perhaps with the addition of wifi to my shuttle ride I can learn to type as the bus bounces a long.

So on Monday and Tuesday the alarm cd goes off at 4:00 am. I've now got my routine down to a science: turn off the alarm, quietly slip out of bed, hit the start button on the microwave. Please note that every second counts so the carafe of water is already in said microwave and the time is already programmed. At roughly 4:05 hitting 'start' is all I can muster.

While the water is getting hot I head to the bathroom where everything else, down to jewelry and shoes is carefully laid out. I've either showered the night before or I will at work later on. I usually get my half-way dressed when the water for tea is ready so it's time to steep. By the time I'm finished, I grab my travel mug, a protein bar or shake and head out the door. I try to leave by 4:15 at the latest. Speed down the road chugging my English Breakfast and listening to NPR.

When I get to work I immediately log into instant messenger. Yup, I get paid to chat with people. Then I do a little cutting, some pasting and the occasional save. I even send out emails. Sometimes including what I've cut, pasted and saved as an actual attachment.

I head down for breakfast at around 9 or 10, when my work day is half over. All that control c, v and s really works up an appetite, don't cha know? Today's breakfast was whole wheat pancakes with oodles of organic blackberries. All for $3. Yes you can hate me now.

More cutting, pasting and the occasional save. Sometimes I solve other problems. Recently those problems have been solved one more than one occasion by suggesting that scrolling to the bottom of the page might give them all the info they need. Seriously.

I wear headphones while I work and try not to laugh or cry aloud. Mostly I succeed. Friday, when I got some bad news from a fellow SA traveler I failed miserably. I listen to lots of NPR and the music that comes along with my work.

I may head down to the cafeteria for a few free beverages during the day and also to the special tap with reverse osmosis water or whatever it is. At 1 pm, when other people are going to lunch, I pack up and head in my car for the long drive back.

The rest of the week is very similar, except the clock doesn't go off until 5:00 and I don't leave the house until 5:30. I get picked up by my friendly shuttle driver a few blocks away. On my luckiest days, I fall back asleep. Otherwise I read the paper or talk to my new bff, another shuttle rider.

Cutting, pasting and saving is pretty much the same. Throw in a couple of weekly meetings and that's my week.

I do love being a contractor. I get to ignore all the political stuff and skip tons of meetings. That would cut into my work time too much.

On shuttle days I have an extra hour on campus so I get out for a nice long walk by the water. I see some cool birds and get lots of fresh air. That's actually really nice.

Then there are some cool extras just tossed our way occasionally. Last week we had a free concert by this guy. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the drinks were free and we sat outside and listened to him and his pal. There weren't nearly enough people listening to the music. Many more were inside the cafeteria or working. But I enjoyed the tunes and the moment. And even got a chance to thank him in the parking lot.

Life is pretty simple right now. And pretty damn good.

Everything's gonna be all right. Rockabye. Rockabye.

Omerta--The 'Other' Mob

What a bad blogger am I! I tease you with a band I never name. I make you all cry (I WARNED you though, didn't I) and then disappear. It's a wonder any of you stick around at all.

Ok, the band is Royal Crescent Mob. Loooooooove them. Maybe Donna will share with me how to post the now famous "Get on the Bus" song. It's on the incredible Omerta-hence the title of this post. Pretty please? I'm fairly technical but have no idea how to do that.

The Mob was one of the best live bands I've ever seen. EVER. They worked a crowd into a frenzy like you just wouldn't believe. And, though I'm an old fogey now, back in my prime I saw many, many good bands,

Thinking about the Mob got me thinking about what an amazing gift I was given in my little college town that I called home for nearly 10 years. I had no idea how to appreciate it until I moved. Not to brag but my town boasts one of the best music scenes in the country. Seriously.

See in my ivory tower there exists one of the best small clubs around. It's legendary. We old-timers measure our longevity by which shows we saw at which Cradle. Now, I never went to the very first Cradle but I was a regular at all incarnations up to present. I saw so many bands before  most people had heard of them.

U2 was an opening act when I saw them (for Todd Rundgren Grandmaster Flash). Oh those were the days. REM played frat parties. I kid you not.

We also had a kick-ass college radio station. Again, I had no idea how good I had it. Our location was perfect for touring bands: halfway between Atlanta (actually Athens GA) and DC. And many, many students with nothing better to do but go down to the Cradle, grab a beer and listen to whoever was playing.

I'm so old I hated paying $8 for some shows. And Bob Mould wanted $15. Can you believe the nerve? Now shows are expensive and everyone calls them 'concerts'.

I have another strong memory of the Mob. I met up with a friend of a friend in Berlin back on my European Summer Tour of '92. You know where someone you barely know says call my friends? Well she had great friends. I called them in Florence, Brussels and Berlin.  He was SO sexy. He took me to all kinds of underground art clubs in old East Berlin. He was being very nice but we didn't have much in common. Until he found out I loved the Mob. I can still remember how he said it in that sexy accent of his. We had a blast after that (not THAT much of a blast if you get my drift). He sent me a very rare bootleg that I have no idea how he found in Berlin.

I think I've rambled enough about the Mob and my old mosh-pit, alternative music, days.

In other news things are fine here. Taking a break is good. I'm actually beginning to work on the next plan. Watch this space for further announcements.

Oh, and the Mini is in the works but that's also a few weeks away at least. We need to make up our minds with just what we want (everything) and how much we're willing to spend (not so much). Not to mention the whole convertible-hardtop controversy currently brewing in our household.

get on the bus, get on the bus

Get on the bus, get on the bus, you got to, got to get on that bus.

So first. Name that band. It's one of my fave slightly obsure (well, not to me) bands from the 80s/90s. From Ohio.

Today I got on the bus. And the bus took me straight to work. It was so very, very nice. I slept off and on this morning on my way into work and got lots of reading done on my way back. I think I'm totally going to love this new shuttle. I just have to walk a few blocks in the morning and a few at work. It's free and soon will have wireless so I can keep up with all my friends in the computer so much better. I might even pursue a longer contract or real job in the land of the mighty purple and yellow. It's amazing how much my quality of life will improve by not having to drive 90 miles a day, three days a week.

I've got so many plans. I'm going to read. And knit. And surf. And learn Italian. And maybe Spanish as well. Hahahahahaha.

Seriously I'll probably sleep and do a few sudoku puzzles. At least my liberal conscience will be eased by taking the shuttle.

summer lovin'

There's a new man in my life. I know, I know, I'm a fickle girl. Last year I was all about Vic. I love me some Mackay.

But I've found a summer fling. Just as Vic is a 'different kind of cop' my new love is a different kind of doctor.

You guessed it. Gregory House. He's brillant and he's better. What could be better? Love the snarkiness. Even his fellows are getting all snarky. This fits my current mood all too well. We have a lot in common: disbelief in Occam's Razor, current trouble walking, and an affinity for vicodin.

Gotta go. My not-so-secret lover is calling.

baby you can drive my car

If you haven't guessed, this job is taking a lot out of me. I'm still trying to get into 'job' shape. It's like going back to the gym after not working out for a long time. Only it's 10-12 hours of working out at a time. I will be able to do more than work, drive and sleep at some point. Right? RIGHT????

This weekend was a fairly low key one at the Millie's. We went to dinner and a movie Friday night with friends from our RESOLVE group (A Prairie Home Companion, if you must know...Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin rock the house...and I always, always, always love John C Reilly. Two thumbs up, but only if you like the radio show).

Saturday started off with a brunch with some gal pals. There were 3 of us and we have way too much in common these days. Now I love these women but wish we weren't so synchronized. For a while we were all pregnant together. With due dates a mere 2 weeks apart. Now we're grieving together. I so wish it wasn't so for any of us. It was very therapeutic to hang out, shoot the breeze and eat blackberry pancakes.

One of them had most excellent advice that got me thinking.

i'm not dead yet

It's just a flesh wound.

I've got things to say but no time to say them. Work is taking up all of my time (and then some). It was nice to be back there yesterday (was it really only yesterday) and I survived a very long day. A very nice colleague drove me to work and the mister picked me up (he had a meeting down that way). I was able to get loads done but there is now way I could have driven to and fro on my first day. Or, as it turns out, on my second. I'm hoping the third day is the charm.

I'd forgotten how much I love being in a high tech/start-up environment. I'm not doing the most interesting work but man oh man this is a great place to be. The last couple of contracts I did were at a staid old bank and an incredibly bureaucratic hmo. Yay for a tech company!

And yay for a tech company with free coffee bars IN EVERY BUILDING. That's 7 coffee bars, people. Can you say non-fat, sugar free vanilla, iced double latte three times? FOR FREE. I see an addiction buidling.

But now, I must get to sleep. My body still needs more rest that normal and these 13 hour days are rough.

another pleasant valley Sunday

I don't know if y'all know but that's what my man decided. He brought me breakfast in bed and told me I got to do whatever the hell I wanted to today. Anything went.

So I had a morning full of coffee, papers (Saturday and Sunday ones), Footballers Wives (oh my goodness how this series seriously rates among guitly pleasures--and BBC America was nice enough to have a marathon just for me today) while someone else took the dogs for a long much needed hike and did laundry. Love that mister.

Nice, eh?

Then we went to the mall to walk a bit, grab a hotdog for lunch and catch a flick. I've been toying with the idea of going back to work tomorrow so I even drove the whole 1.2 miles to the mall. Not sure I can handle the 90 mile roundtrip required for work yet (and note that I only said I drove TO the mall--not even round trip).

I also splurged on a new pair of super comfy, super stretch black pants at J Jill. I thought the full retail price would nearly kill me but it didn't. I'm still many pounds up from my presurgery weight and can't stand real waistbands. I can get by with yoga pants/sweats at home but needed something a bit better for work.

Then we saw The Break Up. I know it's getting lousy reviews. I wanted to support Jennifer A and an old friend from college  (the director who once force- fed me pop tarts at 2 am in a friends dorm room and I've been following his career ever since). Both the mister and I really, really liked it. I was trying not to laugh too hard because I didn't want to bust a stitch. I don't get the lousy reviews. I'm not even on pain pills today so that doesn't explain it. It was about a break up. Not how a couple gets together. Anyway, I thought my pop-tart wielding friend did a fab job.

I guess I don't have to decide until tomorrow if I'm going in but it's not looking too likely at this point. My incisions are really, really sore. My entire abdomen is one huge purple bruise. The incisions are small , but as a friend reminded me, yesterday they go all the way to my core. The back of my left hand is still very sore from where the iv was inserted. I also have very little stamina. I wasn't working back when I had the last ectopic surgery so I wasn't sure how long I should take off. I talked to a friend yesterday who's had 2 and she recommended a full week. My new doc said to play it by ear.  If I could work half days or get to work without driving it wouldn't be such a big deal.

Ok, now time to see if I can fit a nap in before bedtime. I'm serious. I know it sounds crazy but it's too early to go to bed for the night and I'm completely wiped.

Oh and I didn't mean to start a whole thing with my last post about doctor's. I'll try to rectify what I meant once my brain is a little clearer.

let them eat (cup)cake

I'd planned a bunch of things to blog about after that first low beta. Things like baking and the incredibly lame-o thing the mister did the other week. Then I got all distracted by those numbers. Since I've graduated from betas (how will I ever get through tomorrow morning without a good vein stick), I figured I might as well get back to some of the subjects at hand.

That brings me to cupcakes. My newest obsession.

One of the bad things about the past couple of months is that I haven't been baking much. I have this gorgeous, nearly finished* kitchen and I just haven't wanted to use it much. I've wanted to get back into the swing of baking but it's just been too overwhelming to even begin. Some of the things I love to make take hours and have many steps. I just don't have that in me right now.

So I decided to break it down. I figured I'd start with cupcakes. They're easy, they're tasty and they're fun. It's hard not to be happy with a cute cupcake in your hand.

Once upon a time a year or so ago a friend of mine  who shall remain nameless made fun of perfecting the art of cupcake baking. I knew back then that I'd have to do it, just because. Now, said friend was making a bigger political statement about sahms and cupcakes and such but I just felt like someone needed to stick up for the cupcakes.

Then another friend from pastry school did the food styling for a new cupcake book. I figured this would be a good launching point.

I still wasn't to the point of putting batter to liner as it were. Until the Wednesday food section did a big spread on cupcakes a couple of weeks ago. And quoted cupcake blogs. Yes, there are many, many cupcake blogs it turns out. Who knew? So I've added another whole genre to my blog reading and begun my cupcake odyssey.

I started with the recipe in the paper. It's from one of my fave bakers. Simple but sweet: vanilla cupcakes with milk chocolate frosting.

I broke out my nifty new silicone muffin cups and preheated my fabo blue-lined oven. Mixed the batter, and we were off to the races.

I'd love to tell you they came out spectucular but that would be a lie. I was unimpressed with the cake. Disappointed with the crumb. And the frosting was lack-luster. I doubled the amount of milk chocolate called for and still could barely taste it. It was a Swiss meringue buttercream (which is my fave buttercream technique) but not a great example of that style.

Still, it turns out that so-so cupcakes are better than no cupcakes. The mister and I indulged between betas. I've found the next recipes to try and am looking forward to finding a few recipes that I love and then really going to town.

I did make a kick-ass lemon bundt cake yesterday thanks to C00k's Illustrated. It's still never let me down.

Up next: finding the perfect yellow cupcake and lemon cream cheese frosting. Then maybe devil's food with caramel frosting.

*I also haven't had the energy to do the last few things on the kitchen. But I did order the last door fronts that I need. And may get the rest done in the next couple of weeks.

getting back into the swing of things

Ok, it's finally time to recap the last few days. I'm sufficiently recovered from my travels.

My last night in Cape Town was spent at the Savoy Cabbage with the Infertile Gourmets. Such a lovely time! I'd taken a special book for the chef there but missed him! We were dining late and he left before I could thank him. I left it with a note and a bit of disappointment.

My last morning was a busy one. I had my final acupuncture appointment with Dr Z and so many tasks to get done. Packing took a lot longer than I expected. I was trying to stay calm and stress-free but became a bit frazzled.

I did finally get all my luggage corraled (and fit many cans of tisers into said bags), stopped by the SC to say good-bye to Chef who was super sweet and called the hotel to make sure I'd stop by, and left for the airport a bit late. I planned on dining in Jo'berg since I knew I wouldn't have time in Cape Town. I was super stressed all the way to the airport and convinced I wasn't going to make it home in one piece.

I checked in with just a few minutes to spare (or so I thought) and met a lovely woman in line behind me. We were both headed to Atlanta. I'd booked a slightly earlier flight to Jo'berg so I wouldn't be stressed and would have plenty of time before the long flight.

Well, one thing led to another and our flight was delayed. We were rebooked and that flight was delayed. My time in Jo'berg was going to be nearly non-existent. There wasn't time to eat in either airport, instead I got to spend quality time in various queues and repeatedly going through airport security. Fun!

To cap off my Cape Town adventure I decided it was finally time to give myself my first im pio shot. I know, I know, I'm a total wimp. I'd been getting shot up by all sorts of folks but saved my last day to force myself to do it.

In the public women's room. In front of many women parading in and out of the bathroom.

That did make it very, very quick on my part. It wasn't as bad as I thought but the angle was fairly awful. Oh and I bled quite a bit. I'm sure I left an excellent impression on those women.

By the time I got to Jo'berg I had just enough time to run from the domestic terminal to the international one, go through security for the 4th time of the day (soooo much fun) and spend some of my last rand. Not enough time to get anythiing to eat so I depended on the food on the plane.

My friend from line turned out to be seated next to me all the way to Atlanta. The plane was PACKED. There was a transportation strike in France so lots of people that had planned to go through Paris to the US were on our plane instead. It was less than optimal conditions. Oh and it was really, really bumpy. I do okay with turbulence but it does bother me more when I know I'm over the ocean. Conjures up visions of Lost or something I guess.

My seat-mate was fun to talk to but totally afraid of flying. Her dad had worked for the airlines for 40+ years as a flight engineer so she knew lots of cool stuff. She works as lead stewardess on a private yacht so she had lots of good stories about the jet-set lifestyle as well. I can't even comprehend the kind of wealth it takes to own a 190+ foot yacht with a staff of 14. Crazy!

I survived the flight. That's about all I can say. I watched 4 movies and read a book. Oh for a sleeping pill and a couple of classes of wine!

Clearing immigration and customs took much, much longer than normal. I finally got some non-airplane food (thank you Chik-Fil-A) and quickly got on another long flight (though the last one was only 5 hours so it seemed like a short hop).

I was so very glad to see the Mister when I finally got back to my time zone. My bag was only 24 hours behind me and arrived fairly intact.

Jet lag has been kicking my butt for the last few days. I'm still waking up very early and going to bed early as well. I know they say the early bird gets the worm, but what about the early worms? They just get eaten, right?

Daylight savings time has come at the perfect time for me. I need all the help readjusting to this 10 hour time change.

Oh and that cycle thing. Well, all the shots and drugs are going fairly well. I don't have a nightly opportunity to exhibit my butt in public so I'm letting the Mister do it all. I'm trying not to think about things too much. My local clinic wants me to wait until April 10th or 11th to take a beta hcg. That will put me at 14-16dp4dt which I think is completely insane. I'm hoping to be able to test Friday but I don't want to piss them off so I guess for now I'll just say we'll see. So it's not like I've obsessively been googling anything to do with 6dp4dt. Not like that at all.

home again, home again, jiggity jig

After a marathan 35 hours of travel I am officially home again. With my mister and our girls. I promise to write something of at least slight interest in the near future but for now I am beyond fried. It was good but a fairly stressful trip back. All is well, though, and I'm already missing the Cape Town sun as I settle back into bay area rain.

I'm hoping my bag arrives tomorrow. It's full of tisers and champagne. At least it was the last time I saw it in Cape Town so many hours ago. I didn't want to chance the chutney and peppadaw crisps so they were in a carry-on. Guess what we're having for dinner?

and the oscar goes to...

Last night was our big Oscar party at Chez Millie. We've been doing it for years and it gets bigger (and I think better) every year.

This year as you know I had nooooo desire to plan or host a party. I decided to just suck it up and do it anyway. I figured since there was research showing that if you force yourself to smile you start to feel happier that the same thing could work for Oscar parties.*

What do you know? It worked.

It was a tremendous effort on both the mister's and my part. The early part of the week was scrambling to get the kitchen done (heat ducts/registers installed/floors finished). I lost the use of my kitchen from Wednesday am to Saturday am. Not the most auspicious timing when I needed to be prepping and cooking but it all worked out.

I shopped, prepped and cooked from Saturday morning until the second set of guests arrived. The mister painted, unpacked, decluttered and generally worked his ass off.

The house looked great. The kitchen looked amazing. I seriously will post pics in a few days. It was so much fun to show off our hard work. It was the first time we had people over to our house since September. It was so nice to get such good feedback on all our hard work.

I made all kinds of fun things, some were even healthy. I was sooooo spaced out that I realized I threw out one of the desserts by mistake.**

I was even able to stick to my  W8 Watchers points because I was so busy hostessing I forgot to eat.

Needless to say I did NOT forget to drink. A couple of Kir Royales and an In Cold Blood Martini had Millie in fine style.

Our Arthur Anderson Accountant tabulated the votes and in a tasteless display I won the pool for the first time ever. I did really well this year including choosing all the acting prizes right, the Foreign Film (Tsotsi from South Africa of course!), various documentaries and such. I'm most proud of my correct pick for best original song. I think I was the only one at the party to choose "It's a hard out there for a Pimp." I actually love that song and am singing it now.

The mister placed second. We tossed our results and awarded the prizes to the third and fourth finishers.
We also gave the Best Costume award to a couple of great looking (and talking) gay cowboys.

A good time was had by all. Kind of nice doing some normal things again. Even better feeling truly happy doing them.

*In one of my previous lives I worked in an infant lab studying social development, relationships and smiles. This is not the same lab where I was in charge of the maggots. I was trained to code facial expressions and all different types of smiles. Of course I'm partial to the Duchesne smile, aka the true smile. If you want to fake it but have it look 'real' you need the cheek raise. Just a tip.

**Carrot cake shooters that in my warped mind I thought was really old tomato soup. Hours of reducing carrot juice to liquid gold down the drain. Literally.

I feel the earth move under my feet

I don't think you ever get used to earthquakes. At least this gal from the east coast hasn't gotten used to them yet.

We just had a fairly minor one. It only registered 3.4 on the Richter scale. But the epicenter was only a few miles from my house so I felt it pretty strongly. It felt like something slammed into my house. There was a loud boom. Thank goodness it only lasted a second or so. This is the strongest one i've felt in quite some time. My legs are still trembling a little and my heart is racing.

There's a commercial around here that shows cows in an earthquake. They say  'oooh foot massage.it never lasts long enough.' Wish I was a happy cow.

Repeating to self: i love california...i love california...i love california...i love california

LOVE or VD?

LOVEor VD...that's the choice. There's only one answer IMHO and it's below.*

If you don't know what that means then you aren't watching one of the best shows on tv. Or you're watching it but you're not a fanatic like me and follow the message boards.

The show: Veronica Mars.

I know, I know. It was better last year. If you didn't see it, the first season is now available on dvd. It rocks. Totally. Loooooove Veronica (can you hear me singing the theme song? "a long time ago, we used to be friends...") I want to be her just before I grow up to be Lorelei. But that's another story.

LOVE = LOgan +VEronica.

VD= Veronica + Duncan.

So yesterday was both love and VD around my house. It was also the 10th anniversary of living together. The mister wanted to start our lives together on the most romantic day of the year. Nice idea, eh?

It was a nice idea but 10 years plus one day ago we spent the evening (late into the evening in fact) moving and cleaning and crap like that. The mister didn't even own a toilet bowl brush. Uggggh.

Then we made it to my condo. Where, years before I became a professionally trained pastry chef, I made chocolate covered strawberries. The looked pretty cool and tasted good. Even with the inferior chocolate I used way back then.

Last night was dinner out followed by exchanging cards (the mister writes the best cards evah) and listening to some fairly random cd of modern artists doing covers of love songs (including Love Song by The Cure) that some lame person picked up at her local coffee megalopolis. OK, give me a break but I had a busy, busy day and thank goodness SB had something slightly romantic which I spotted while waiting in line for my Grande Nonfat Sugar Free Hazelnut Latte.

Oh and there was Surreal Love Poems (a gift from years past). I don't recommend it. Pablo Neruda wins out every time (but we couldn't find our fave collection).

I know. We're still disgusting after 10 years.

Oh and today was a job interview. I looooooooooved the guy I interviewed with. We knew way too many of the same people. We ran in the same consulting circles back in the good ol' days. We both miss that energy. It would be awesome to work with him. Even at Keyser.

Then there was the reality check: the manager above Mr Wonderful Boss to Be wants an FTE. For a couple of years. Not a contractor/consultant.

I really don't want to be a Keyer FTE. Ever. There's just no way. So if I get an offer (never a sure thing) and if it's as an FTE and not a 6-12 month contract gig, then I think I politely say thanks but no thanks.

But it was hella fun to get all dressed up, even blow my hair dry and wear make-up and look professional. It was even more fun to kick ass in a couple of interviews and even relive a bit of the glory days of the late 90s. You know it's a good start to the interview when the first thing said is: "We didn't think we were looking for someone as senior as you but you could bring so much more to this position that we'd originally thought."

It got me thinking about how much fun it would be to work at a real start-up again. There are two out there with some of my very favorite people from my very fun former company. One is even hiring. It would be sooooooooo much fun. I'm not ready for the travel again. I'm not sure I'm ready for the long commute it would entail. But the energy and stimulation would be fantastic. My former company was what I always hoped grad school would be. Today has definitely got me considering possibilities, though.

Oh and Mr. Wonderful Boss to Be also owns a cookie company in his spare time along with his wife. Talk about a small world.  Maybe something there will work out there?

LOVE-Duh. Logan is just so dreamy and snarky and looooove the witty repartee between the two of them.

And the award goes to...

The mister and I had what you might call a double date last night. Yes indeedy. A movie with drinks after with the couple next door.

We're trying to get all caught up on our Oscar nominees. See, we have this big party every year. We're kind of known for it. There's a red carpet, themed menu (you knew there would be some crazy food thing, right?), a life size statue of Uncle Oscar and more. Much more.

We try to see all the major films so we can make semi-educated guess to win the pool. We never win. There's always some smart alecky type who puts us all to shame. Sometimes it's the infamous Red Headed Momma who didn't even see a single movie that year (something about being pregnant) and just put down Lord of the Rings anytime it was a choice. She mopped up.

Last night's film was the little known Mrs. Henderson Presents. It was a lovely British import starring Dame Judy Dench and Bob Hoskins. I highly recommend it. There were even production numbers and naked girls. Almost a musical.

Drinks were great too. Did you get that plural in the sentence before? It was a nice neighborhood bar featuring Soju--some kind of Korean vodka made from sweet potatoes. All that and 1/3 of the calories of regular vodka. Neighbor lady thought the alcohol content was lower as well. Drunken Millie wasn't so sure.

So a nice night out. No stress. Nothing bad. Home to our lovely dogs. Both of us a little tipsy and hoping to take advantage of that.

When we went to bed there was already a wet spot there. A large one. Like the dog had peed on our bed. Seriously. The bitch had peed on the bed. Mostly on the mister's side but it's not like that helped. Talk about putting a damper on things.

Thank goodness our office/spare room is still pretty empty and the aerobed is easy to inflate even when operated by drunks.

Let's hope I get that job so I can buy a new mattress and box spring set tout de suite.

(And I guess here's where I should note that I've got a second interview Wednesday afternoon. I started to freak out a bit when I didn't hear back from the guy until late Friday. Then I realized I was back to thinking in Keyser time and life is slooooooooow at that speed. Hold thumbs for me, k?)

mishmash tuesday

Well, the mister is back at work. Big sighs of relief all around.

His work folks were awesome. Several people (including one of the big bosses) stopped by to tell him they were thinking of him and that sometimes your personal life just had to come first, whether you wanted it to or not. One long term work friend (for many years and through a couple of companies and states) asked him out to lunch. He's thinking of telling her much more than I think he should. Now, I'm completely ok being open with our infertility struggles but I draw the line at who we discuss donor options with. I'm happy to have that conversation (more than happy in fact) with anyone who it might open the doors for in their own family building. I just 'don't want to go there' with anyone who isn't thinking about some of the same things we are.

We talked about it and of course he sees things my way. I think he got sucked into thinking this friend could be a good source of support for him. While I think that may be true, I think it would be sooooo much harder having to explain everything to someone who hasn't even begun ttc. I think he's hankering for someone to talk to who really gets it and is in the same place he is right now. Unfortunately, he doesn't know anyone who fits this bill and feels way too uncomfortable talking on the phone to the one guy who does get it.

Anyway things are still on the upswing here at the Millies.

I've been so very good the last couple of days. I reupped at W8 Watchers. I strong-armed a friend into doing the same. She also had a failed SA donor cycle (just before mine) and wants to focus on all those things that are good for you (losing weight/eating well/exercising/etc). It is so much easier to do this with a friend. And so very good to spend some time with her and vent about all this shit.

So I'm staying within my points and getting lots of exercise. I'm even going to the gym on a regular basis. Yay me!

As if that weren't enough, I think I might have a job possibility. Something just literally fell into my lap. It's at a place where I did a number of consulting projects and already know the ropes. It's a long term contract (6-12 months) and seems like it will be interesting work. The nice part about this place is you don't have to actually work that hard there. It's incredibly bureaucratic and very slow moving--so much so that I made the mister promise to have me committed if I ever thought about taking a full-time job there.
It was so difficult for me to work with this group back in my start up days. They moved so very slowly. They held way too many meetings with way too many people in them. It was all about consensus and no one could make decisions. It was so frustrating for me back then because I was used to working with very cool companies, doing very cool things that were cutting edge and oh-so-sexy. Anyway all those things don't sound so bad right now.  I think lots of boring meetings and some boring travel with fairly good pay is just what the doctor ordered. At least it wouldn't be a huge step back for me (like a lot of other positions I've been looking at would be) and the timing is pretty damn good.

I had a phone interview today and should be going in to meet with some of the rest of the team later this week or early next week. Wish me luck. I guess I need to pull those business casual clothes out of mothballs and remember how to work.

let's here it for the boys in blue

So last night was the first installment of what we lovingly call "The Divorce Game" in our house. No, there's no Bob Eubanks or embarrassing questions about making whoopie or major household appliances to be won.

It's all about basketball. See my team and the mister's team play a couple of times a year (at least for the time being). We're in the same conference and all. Mine are the good guys in light blue--his are the evil terrapins in red. Of course, he has a slightly different point of view.

If you've been reading for a while you know how much Ms Millie loves her college hoops. And this year every game involving my team still includes the Millie trademarked phrase "Although they lost their top 7 scorers from last year's championship team..."*

And this year his team was ranked in the top 25 and undefeated at home.

Good times were had last night, my friends. We settled in for a meal of Elvis Burgers a la Jamie Oliver and carbonated beverages. The mister claimed he was cold and needed a warmer shirt and came out in fighting colors. Millie was already dresses appropriately in a lovely white and light blue hat and logo-less light blue tee shirt. So much classier.

The good guys won. The mister was a bit sad but everyone knows Millie cares much more about hoops that the mister does. He just kind of goes along with her.

And with that life is returning back to normal. We're starting to make plans again. Continuing in my great wifely tradition, yesterday I tracked down a game the mister had been jonesing for. He claims it's 'for research purposes' but I'm not buying that. He's playing it right now and life is good.  We've been to the gym together. We've done some yoga. We're still recovering from that one but it hurts so good. I'm really ready for him to go back to work next week, though.

I think I'm headed back to Cape Town in the not too distant future. We're healing and laughing and focusing on getting what we need to do to make our dreams come true.

A very wise woman  wrote a very wise post that helped us regain a bit of perspective and was just the kick in the ass that we needed. If you're thinking of giving up or feeling like you just can't go on, go read Tertia. We knew that giving up wasn't an option for us. This just reminded us why, and that many people have been through a lot more shit than us. Thank you, oh great gorgeous and divine one.

And thank all of you out in the blogosphere. You've showered us with support, kindness and love. We're truly humbled and deeply touched.

*I did trademark that phrase and all associated phrases like "Noel was the 8th highest scorer last year." I have my very own trademark attorney. So there. And don't piss her off by calling it the Patent Office, it's the Patent AND Trademark Office or something like that. PTO. Seriously you don't want to get her mad at you. Everyone needs a Trademark Attorney on their side.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Now, I know that many of you will not have any empathy for me at all but it's really cold here. Cold for Northern California, I mean. Hell, I can even see my breath outside! It's been raining non-stop for about 30 hours. It's cold, wet and very dreary. My youngest dog is afraid of the thunder and lighting we had earlier today (Can you tell we don't get thunderstorms much? She's three years old and this is one of her first thunder experiences).

I'm all snuggled up on my favorite chair with a comfy sweater, warm blanket and big mug of tea. I'm listening to holiday music. I hesitate to even call it Christmas music because what I like is very secular. David Cassidy is currently crooning to me (along with the other Partridges) and I'm mixing it up with Johnny Cash, Dianna Krall, Harry Connick Jr and one of my favorite home-town bands, the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

Got lots on my mind so hope you can bear with me through a veritable potpourri of topics today.

random stuff and barren bitchapalooza evite

So here's why I haven't been posting and commenting as much as usual over the past week: my computer died a painful, horrible death.

I know, I KNOW it sounds like a lame excuse but it's the truth. The hard drive crashed and burned. Yup, I was experiencing the infamous blue screen of death. Now it won't even boot at all.

Of course, geek-lover that I do own some extra computers. One of which I loaned to the Man-Who-Would-Be-Boss* to send to his brother in Portland or someplace in the Pacific Northwest. I've put a recall in on that particular offer.

Now I'm stuck using the mister's machine. You'd think he'd have a blazing speedy machine. This is what he does for a living, right? He looooooves computers so he should have the best and latest. You'd be very, very wrong.

He's got a nice LOOKING machine. One of those very quiet apple cube-type things. It's five years old and showing it's age. Now I'm a technical sort of gal. I used to manage a production technology team. I had a whole host of servers and routers and switches that fell in my domain. My guys did a fabo job. I had a special pass into the bowels of the internet (very cool btw).

I can not figure out this stupid Mac to save my life. He swears it isn't hard but he's running all this crazy beta open source software so you have to open 3 different applications in a certain order just to get a document to open.

I kid you not. He doesn't want to shell out the dough to pay for the Evil Empire's software that the rest of the world uses.

Soooooo, everything computer related is now harder for me. Please bear with me. I can't do rich text. No more fun links in this blog for a while.

For example, I can't tell you local ladies to go to Susan/In a Holding Pattern's site and say you want to come out and play with us. But you should definitely come. I can write Emily and Anna H and Bonnie and others name in bold and suggest a cheap ticket on various airlines.

See what you're missing?

Instead I'll just bitch and moan and make you look things up yourselves.

And tomorrow night, instead of catching up with all of you and/or writing some boring drivel I'll be enjoying one of the only perks of my husband's work:

A free showing of Harry Potter before the rest of the world can see it.** The last free movie we got was Cat Woman. The mister tried to ask for his money back. Tomorrow night should be much MUCH better.

I'd tell y'all all about it but they'll be confiscating cell phones at the door.

Dark times lie ahead, Harry.

*That is if he ever paid me and we had some actual work to do. Cross your fingers because it looks like we might have not only a promising contract gig but also an actual start-up idea with actual start-up funding.

**Outside of all the premieres and such and only 6 hours before the rest of the world or at least this little piece of it gets to see the next installment. I guess it's only 3 hours before crazy east coasters can see a midnight show. But it *IS* free at least.

I think I'm finally recovered enough from my trip to the Emerald City to write a little recap.

I headed up last week to help Initial Girl and Sandal boy tie the proverbial knot. I was truly honored when IG asked me to be the matron of honor. I did, however, call my sister and apologize profusely for bestowing that title upon her at my wedding.*

lame-o excuses part 48

Jeez, I haven't been here in a while. I'm sorry. Truly I am. Y'all were all so nice about my last post. Thanks for the sweet comments. I hope you don't think I've just been sitting around feeling sad. 'Cause for once, I haven't.

Here's what's going on in my life:

Demo began on the kitchen remodel last Wednesday.

Demo continued on Thursday.

Friday was Asbestos Day! Hooray for toxic materials!!! We had a whole crazy set up with negative air flow and menn in spacesuits. I felt much like the kids in ET.

The weekend passed in a haze of granite yards and related house errands.

Monday was the true end of demolition--we're down to the studs, baby!

I'd post some photos to amaze you all but...

Monday was also the death of my trusted laptop. Ok, not so trusted since the hard drive crashed on me LAST October when I was cycling at Garden State and I lost EVERYTHING. We IT folks are sometimes the worst at backing up. Well, I guess my laptop doesn't really like fall. I don't get it. Fall is my favorite time of the year. So now I get to post on the mister's computer. I don't like it much. It's one of those fruity kinds and I just find it harder to use.

I'm headed up to the lovely Pacific Northwest tomorrow for Initial Girl and Sandal Boy's wedding. I will have better access to my lovely blog and all of you than I do at home. How sad is that?

Keep the internet warm for me. I'll be back soon.

so here's what we're gonna do

So I'm really far behind in some projects that I want to tackle. Life has just gotten in the way too much lately. I feel really badly about this first one.

I wanna know that my friend, InSpring, is doing ok. I also want her to know how much I miss her.  I've been thinking about her tons lately and know that many of you have as well. I've got a plan. I'm thinking of sending her a little care package.

I'm open to ideas and happy to send along greetings or anything else.

I know many more people read her blog than this one so please help me get the word out, k?

Pass it on.

c'mon get happy

Well, I must say at my advanced age I've learned a thing or two. Here's what I've learned in the last week:

Birthday parties are still really, really fun when you're 40. Especially if you buy a low cut, black lace dress and have many, many cocktails. A few hors d'oeuvres to go along with many, many cocktails. I had a super swank soiree over the weekend and it was a BLAST.

Why have just a boring cake when you can have miniature cupcakes (4 varieties), a couple of kinds of tartlets, marshmallow filled chocolate cups, french macaroons, strawberries with chocolate fondue and truffles? So much more fun. I even made lots of it myself.

I have the best dj ever. He was our wedding dj and I'd been looking for a reason excuse to hire him again ever since. He's fantastic at reading the crowd and getting them to dance. He's only a year older than I am so he knows how to set a retro mood. I joked with him of my love for the Partridge Family and he played several of their songs. And early REM. And the Clash and the b52s. Violent Femmes. All my favs! I think I love him...

I have the best friends a gal could hope for and they were swell to me all week. My parents came out for the party and were touched by how nice all my friends were--I didn't even have to pay them. Of course some of the best-est ones of all were either infertile or internet friends. Some were both.

I have the best husband ever. He totally accommodated my crazy wish for a big swanky party and gladly footed the bill. He also cleaned up really well and looked  smashing (even before the cocktails kicked in).

It is much harder recovering from too many cocktails when you're my age. Much, much harder. Still worth it though.

theres's a light...over at the fertility place

So, first a complaint. You guys write A LOT. A gal goes away for a long weekend and comes home to wayyy too many updates. I wanted to get all caught up with the other blogs before writing in my own. It's taken me more than a day and a half and I'm almost there. Thank goodness for Bloglines. What did any of us do before that?

Hell, what do you people that work for a living do? If I do go back full-time I'm going to have to schedule an extra vacation day at the end just for catching up on all things internet-related.

Now for the good stuff.

We had the most amazing weekend away. First there was the long car drive to Yosemite where we talked and talked...and listened to lots of bands from the beginning of the alphabet with a particular fondness for groups that began with the letter D. I guess that's what happens when you don't have much time to grab cds before hitting the road.

The wedding was lovely. Simply lovely. Under a huge, old yellow pine tree right next to a rushing river. I think it lasted maybe 15 minutes but it was great.

Then we hung out for several hours until our dinner reservations. We explored a bit more of the park and had cocktails on the veranda. Our waitress asked if we wanted our drinks Super Sized...if you've seen the movie you know the first rule is you have to agree if you're asked so the mister and I were very agreeable. Me with a Cosmo, he with a Martini.

Then we had a truly spectacular meal. The four of us were seated a small alcove with an amazing view of Yosemite Falls. What a great year for the falls!! (and for mosquitoes--the only other guests at the wedding, btw).

Best part of the weekend:we were a normal couple in love, much like the bride and groom. It was so incredibly relaxing and awesome to just be with each other and truly happy. It was great to see another couple just starting that newest chapter in their lives and remember how blissful we were on our own wedding day. Normal is nice. It hasn't really happened much for us lately and usually sounds so boring but it was great.

Now back to reality and even that is looking pretty good these days. I finally got off my passive-aggressive high horse and called Dr. SheRE to let her know that I was past CD1 (err, it was actually CD7 when I made the call but I luckily had the perfect excuse of being in a totally remote place with no cell phone coverage). I'm still waiting to hear back with what they want to do to proceed.

I'm also very actively pursuing donor embryos on a lot of fronts. I'm trying to get on Garden State's wait list. I know their list is pretty long but might as well stake out some sort of a claim.

I've got a call into my local clinic to find the status on their as-yet-unstarted-but-should-start-any-day-no-we-really-mean-it-now program. Not holding my breath there but our number in line is pretty good when it finally does start.

And, I'm even playing my ace in the hole. I was waiting to make this call until I was really, really ready. I just got off the phone with a potentially new clinic with a very quiet embryo donor program. I'm grinning from ear to ear. That's got to be a good thing right? I'm so happy I'm about to bust.

I guess I'll call this clinic, HomeTown. I'm not a patient there and they don't advertise their program. In fact, I only found out about it from one of you (BIG HUGS and eternal gratitude to YOU-KNOW-WHO-YOU-ARE, btw). So why yet another new clinic? Isn't this way too many clinics, Millie? Have you completely lost your mind?

This clinic was started by an incredibly sweet and generous doctor who I knew many years ago back when he worked for my alma mater. He died a few years ago but the clinic is still chugging along. I just got off the phone with the new lab director who is very happy to fast-track us and make us a high priority. He said I've paid my dues. Back when I was an egg donor, while not for this program, it was for this medical team.

The nurse and the lab director even sounded like home.  I think it's time to go home.

when you got it, flaunt it

There is just the faintest glimmer of something I haven't really seen in a very long time.

I'm sure you're probably thinking it's hope or optimism or happiness or something like that.

Oh, it's better. Right now you have to hold it in just the right light and look very hard but it's definitely there.

Ok, stop thinking what you're thinking. Not that, silly reader.

It's a cheekbone. A real honest-to-goodness cheekbone. On my face. Just a shadow, a mere slip of a contour but it's there. Can you believe it? The puffiness caused by the long month on steroids is finally going away. I'm hoping the puffiness associated with the baked goods will also disappear but that might be too much to ask for at this point.

This weekend the mister and I are headed out of town. We're going to a really, really small wedding. I've got new threads to wear, right down to some awesome new blue shoes, and new bronzer to boot. I will be making the most of these cheekbones.

here she comes, here comes speedracer

I've been wanting to write a nice, long chatty post all week. It's been going pretty well in my head but so far I haven't found the time to get it all down in black and white. I'm sitting here watching the big race with my husband. We don't usually watch it but we're pulling for the kick ass female driver. Can you believe she drives so well and has perfectly manicured pink nails? I love that!

Ok, I'm digressing already. Time to get back on track, Millie. The first post the voices in my head told me to write was going to be all about why this cycle failing was so hard. I spent a lot of time this week talking to my (cycle) doppelganger over at the Dollhouse and she wrote a great post about her feelings on the subject. I'm still putting my thoughts together but decided there's plenty of time for that post.

Instead, I'm feeling really good these days. This has been a hard week, no doubt about that, but life is looking pretty damn good. I'm doing a lot of small things to take care of myself and that's a great thing. Tuesday was a day for phone calls: the local contact for a support group for folks considering donor eggs, my acunpunturist, and former/current therapist. In fact,  called my former therapist and she saw me about two hours later! It was a great session and I'm really looking forward to working with her again.

I love therapy. I really, really love therapy. My mom once said 'you think everybody needs therapy' as some kind of criticism, but I took it as a compliment. I don't associate any stigma with therapy and think that just like everyone can benefit from a personal trainer for their body, they can benefit from therapy.

I'm also getting back into exercise. So far, all I'm really doing is taking my dogs for long walks but next week I can hit the gym again. That will feel so good.

I'm eating well. The mister and I even went to a new organic, vegan macrobiotic restaurant the other night. It's in our 'hood and we figured why not check it out. I was a little hesitant (there are a lot of vegetables that are just not my friends) but dinner was great.

I'm getting lots of quality time in my hammock every day. Man, I love that hammock.

I'm back to reading that new egg donor book. It's good. It's what I need right now.

I've contacted one donor egg agency and started investigating a couple of others. I'm still leaning towards donor embryos but just trying to fully investigate and consider all options.

Which leads me to the last part of this post: what might my next cycle bring? Dr. SheRE wants to try a low stim cycle a la Garden State (but don't tell her boss...I think he'd freak). That's definitely a possibility. If I do cycle again, that's the only protocol I'd consider.

But my therapist reminded me that we'd been given an incredible opportunity. I think the words she used were 'this could be all over now...you've been handed an incredible option on a silver platter...', etc. Mr. Millie is ready to give those embryos a home, our home. He's going to support me whatever I decide but he is there. I think I'm only a few steps behind him. I'm very, very close to being there. I think it's a beautiful place.

Update: the race is over. It ended under a yellow flag which is a drag. Fourth place isn't so bad though, for a 23 year old, right? I think she'll win next year.