Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Not Buying Tickets Just Yet

The more I think about the hsg, especially in the cold harsh reality without my friend Vic, the more it bothers me.

There really was much more left of the left than should have been left.

So now I wait and worry. I checked with my local guy and he doesn't have the radiology report yet. So Garden State will likely not get it before Monday or so. And we all know the total chaos known Garden State will not result in speedy review of anything sent to them.

What could happen? I suppose Dr Gemstone could tell me I need surgery to remove the bits.

That would not sit well with me.

Perhaps she'll just say "well, that means we need to do X but we'll still transfer asap."

I just have no idea what that X could possibly be.

I don't think I'm willing to do surgery. I'm not all that freaked out by the chance of a third ectopic. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Oh, wait. Don't answer that.

In the meantime if you know any local-to-me or mail order docs who are happy to prescribe a strong regimen of antibiotics based on someone else's work, I just might be interested. I still don't know if I believe in that approach but it does seem like the one thing I haven't tried yet.

if it's March there must be madness

I'm sitting here totally immersed in basketball. So far, so good. No broken noses which is always good. My team gets to play another day and that is very good as well.

I've been thinking about my last post and some of the comments. I hope I didn't come across as flip or whiny. Both of those things make me crazy and that's not what I meant at all.

I'm an incredibly lucky gal. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have found such supportive friends off-and on-line. And many of my on-line friends have crossed over in real life. This was a great week because I got to see one of those friends for just a few minutes and she called me the very next day with amazing news. I'm giddy with happiness for Liana, I tell you, giddy. I also get to attend a baby shower in the very near future for another friend. I'm sure that puzzles many of you because the last place you might want to be is a baby shower but this is going to be a wonderful celebration and I'm honored to be invited.

I didn't mean to whine about not knowing others pursuing ED. I'm incredibly fortunate in that several folks have been down this path before me, some years before me, and are kind enough to still talk to me. I think it's just more of an isolating thing because there are fewer of us and I think some of us feel a bit more marginalized because of the current political climate. Or I'm projecting.

I think another part of it is that once your family is built you're focus changes and it should. It's all well and good for me to sit around pontificating my navel but let's be honest, I can really only do that so much because I don't have kids yet.

I think it's just right here, right now at this very moment most of the people I was close to have moved on to something else or have babies or things like that. Maybe it's not so much I don't know where to sit in the lunch room as everyone has graduated to college or real life. That's ok too.

I also didn't mean to be flip when I was comparing donor embryos to donor gametes. My ideas in general about donor gametes have changed a great deal over the last few years. The point I was trying to make is that it's despicable to make a lot of money off these embryos. I admire all couples who choose to donate their embryos and I absolutely feel that their wishes and needs should be met. I don't think this requires any intermediaries, however, and especially intermediaries that profit from such a generous decision.

Back when I was an egg donor, I had no information about the couple I was donating to and that was okay with me at the time. I wanted to help an infertile couple and didn't want to judge whether or not they were worthy. But that's not exactly the point.

When we chose our egg donor in South Africa, part of the process was to write a letter to her. She had the choice whether or not she wanted to work with us. I know this scares a lot of people pursuing donor eggs and they might steer clear of this program because of that. I might piss a lot of people off now because there are many, many people in the DE world who say donor's shouldn't get any say, it's just a cell, blah blah blah.

But I think it's much more than that. It's more than that if it's DE and if it's DS and it's also more than that if its ED. I think in ALL cases it should be a match between the people involved. I think it's better for the donors, the recipients, and most importantly the offspring. How can it not be better to go into this thoughtfully and contemplative?

Now, I know I'll never have to make the decision to donate my embryos to another couple. I do think that's a huge decision and I'm sure it's never entered into lightly. ED is also not for everyone, and that's how it should be. No one has the right to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do with their embryos. If a couple  prefers to donate them to research that should also be respected and our government should not be involved. And let me say it again for emphasis, NO ONE should make money off these decisions. I think that's despicable. ED is far from a sure thing. I do think it's a beautiful thing when one family decides to help another in their chance to build a family and allows them that chance. But if transferring embryos were a sure thing then no ivf cycle would fail. Most of us know just how untrue that is from hard personal experience.

I think it was Cecily who wrote about considering donating to a couple that would never qualify for a [email protected] group. I think she mentioned potentially looking for a lesbian couple but it could be a single woman or someone more liberal or diverse. I tried to find the post but had no luck. I hope someone will correct me if I'm wrong. I think it's fabulous that she even wrote about that because it illustrates what I think is the most important thing about ED: if donating is something you feel is right for your family, donors should find 'their' recipients.

I also wish that clinics would change their policies and allow and facilitate known donations. I'm now longer comfortable with pursuing an anonymous donation for my family because I don't think it would be fair to any children that result from that (or to the donors or to their other children) not to have access to that information and those people. I know that probably shares the shit out of most clinics (it certainly does at mine) but I think it's what a lot of people want and their are compelling arguments to show that it may be better for everyone.

Ok, stepping off my high horse now. Time to get back to basketball. If you read this far, you get a gold star or a #1 Seed.

Who Do I Sit With In the Lunchroom?

It's kind of strange because I know many of you that are adopting or have chosen to embrace child-free living, think of me as still in treatment. I know I'm cycling in the very near future* but I really don't feel like I'm pursuing treatment. Embryo donation is just such a different path that it just doesn't feel the same at all. I suppose technically I'm "in treatment" but I'm so far down the path it just doesn't fit to say that.

I also think of ED as closer to adoption in some respects. It's definitely NOT adoption and few things get me more riled up than the groups that require home-studies or call it 'embryo adoption' or have any snowflakey thinks associated with them. In fact, I'm so against snow of any sort this year we haven't ventured to any of our usual places to get our snow quota.

I guess I felt this way a little bit with donor eggs but I was much more involved with the larger community of donor eggs back then. I suppose I had more in common with my friends that were cycling with their own eggs than I cared to admit. I'd so successfully moved on and embraced donor eggs that I couldn't relate as easily to those who were at a different place.

When I was at the Donor Egg table, I spent hours and hours on the yellow and pink boards. There was a lot more drama to my cycles. And many more Appletizers. I do miss the Tizers but I think I'll dip into my stash come transfer time.

When I started this blog I thought donor embryos might be the path we took. I had long mostly offline discussions with Wessel (oh how I miss her...and Emily too of course...and Bee and the early DE bloggers) because she was much more in favor of DE than ED and others (insert semi-famous book authors who poo-poo ED without any research to back it up). There wasn't anyone else I knew besides one person IRL who'd done donor embryos and I felt pretty alone.

Now we're pursuing both ED and adoption and I feel pulled in both directions at once. I'm in awe of friends like Bebe who've recently adopted. I'm thrilled beyond belief for my friend who is out of her Holding Pattern and who'll be meeting her son in a couple of weeks. I was hoping to go shopping with the amazing Liana this week as she's in town but she has to actually work this time. I am preparing for my first home study visit next week and perhaps that will make it more real. I also know I'll have to explain to the social worker how we're really not still "in treatment" even though we're preparing for a FET. There's a big adoption table at the cafeteria of infertility and so many of the cool girls are sitting there.**

But ED seems much lonelier. I guess it's partly because not as many people understand it or can relate to it. Even fewer folks write about it. And while it does technically involve treatment (even stirrups) there will only be 2 or 3 visits to the doctor's and no international travel. How can I consider it a cycle when I don't even get to see my favorite asshole of all, the g&d Tertia?

If my kids do come to me through ED will it still feel this lonely? Will there be more of us writing? Will the table fill up some? Or will this all become academic and I just won't care as much?

*Technically I suppose I'm cycling now as I've taken 3 birth control pills. I haven't even come close to killing anyone yet so I'm pretty damn proud of myself. We'll see how long that lasts.

**I was never much for the traditional cool girls as you can probably surmise. Keep in mind I went to a boarding school for geeks so I have a very different definition of cool. Go Unicorns! (As pathetic as that sounds, my high school mascot was indeed the mythical unicorn and our colors were blue and silver. Geeks should not be allowed to make certain decisions. It's just not pretty).

A Series of Fortunate Events

Things here certainly are popping. I just got a call from the lovely scheduler at my local clinic. She's one of my fave people there. Anywho, she said I needed to call my insurance company to get pre-approved for tomorrow's visit. Otherwise we'll have to pay for it.

I told her I was confused as we've never had coverage. Sure the mister fought for it at his company and got his company to ADD infertility coverage (see some random back posts that I'm too lazy to look for) but we never thought we'd be able to use it. Some of our friends did so that was nice. Our insurance goes by 'centers of eggcellence' or some such hooey and our local clinic wasn't part of their network.

Until this year.

I called the insurance company and got an incredibly nice and helpful rep who said she'd have a nurse consultant call me back first thing in the morning so this would be covered. And she'd note my file as well, in case there were problems.

Duuuuuuuudes, I've never had any IF coverage and we've been completely self-pay. Now we have 10k to play around with! Plus drugs! Do you know how many FETs I can have????????

If I were completely nuts I'd be thinking about an ivf cycle with icsi (because that would be free) but I don't think I'm that nuts. I'm just thinking of multiple donor embryo FETs. Donor egg cycles aren't covered by my insurance (well transfer would be covered but not monitoring of the donor or retrieval but icsi and embryology would-go figure) but any FETs are covered. And they would insanely cover ivf for me, even at my age and with my fsh.

I'm in shock. I have no idea how to relate to a world where I have infertility coverage. I think I need to go make Boston Cream Pie or Boston beans. I must have landed in Massachusetts, right?

Ice, Ice, Baby

One of my favorite things about not working (or at least not working at my most recent assignment) is the mister and I can take our dogs out for an early morning walk. I missed that so much during my yodeling stint.

Today we packed up the dogs in Vi0let (not their favorite car, btw) and headed up to the hills. The sun was just coming up and it promised to be a gorgeous day. A gorgeous COLD day, that is.

We were one of the first cars in the parking lot at the trail head. The parking lot was a very strange color. Unrecognizable yet vaguely familiar. We got out of the car and skidded along. Black ice. Ah, it all comes back to me now.

Now here in the lovely Bay Area we don't get a lot of ice. I'm sure this has nothing to do with global warming. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Our younger dog (the only California native in our house) has never really been exposed to it except for one trip to Tahoe when she was younger. Our older bitch adores all things cold. She romped and strained at her leash, anxious to get to the off leash part. I tried not to fall on my ass. We both succeeded.

We strolled along and enjoyed the beautiful morning. The dogs had a blast. What a nice way to ease into another day.

Tomorrow morning we won't have time for a walk. The mister and I are off to get fingerprinted. We'll be ending our life of crime before we can really start it. Then we can check another thing off our list. If I were as organized as Ms Holding Pattern I'd have a list on my sidebar. Ok, technically I do have a list on my sidebar but I don't think it's changed in the last two years or so and has very little to do with where we are in this baby getting thing.

I'm also hoping to turn in our adoption application on Friday. The mister is not quite on board with this plan yet. He wants to think about his answers, contemplate them, beautify them. I figure a couple of hours tomorrow night should be plenty.

I feel like an ass for my last post. I wasn't trolling for y'all to say nice things. Truly. Is my mom still paying y'all? There goes my inheritance. I was just trying to write a bit about where we are in the process. I must admit,  I'm feeling more than a bit distant and removed from the  process.

I hear from my friends and others that people really stress out about these questions (and the home study). I'm not stressed in the least. Seriously. I know my answers will be fine.  Hell, if previous experiences have any bearing they might use my essays as models.

Perhaps I'm back to the part where I can be the good girl and the good student and excel so it just seems straightforward. Answering questions is easy. Interviewing for the home study seems easy as well. I'm good at these things and can control them. My house will be fine, perhaps a bit cluttered and definitely lived in. I'm not going to try to get all my projects finished. I live in a house not a museum, ya know?

I must be doing something tremendously wrong because Tertia didn't even call me an asshole. I'm also somewhat amazed that only Chris 'gets' me.  She was spot on. Eerie, in fact.  I just cut and paste her comment into my Question 27. I did rewrite it for first person. Hmmm, maybe I should just hire her to rewrite all the essays.

Essay Questions

One of my goals this week is to finish up my autobiographical questions for our home-study. I only have one left, at least for the first draft. I'm trying not to fight the test and have so far resisted all urges to tell them how I found some of the questions to be incredibly poorly worded and frankly stupid.

I must disclose I'm a pretty damn good question writer. I prided myself for creating fair and meaningful tests back when I was teaching undergraduates (and later when I was a corporate trainer). There is a definite art to it and I think my agency could use a bit of help.

Take lovely #22 for example:

Have you ever been treated for emotional problems? If so, please briefly describe your experience.

That's no way to word a question. I think they're trying to ask if I'm totally nuts. That's certainly a valid question for someone seeking to adopt a child but I think I hold a very different view of therapy (and likely a different view of emotional problems as well). I loooooooooove therapy. I don't think you can spend as many years studying clinical psychology as I did and not love therapy (unless you have some totally gnarly personality disorder like many of my professors). I think everyone can benefit from therapy much like everyone can benefit from a nutritionist or a personal trainer.

How many points do you think I lost by telling them that?

What? It's not actually a test you say. I won't be graded on it? But but but ... I do really well on tests and spent a lot of time on this. I want to see lovely comments next to each of my answers

I've now completed all but one question. go me! The mister is about half-way through his. Go him!

Of course I saved the hardest one for last. The dreaded #27.

Describe yourself. Tell what is most important to you in life and what events and persons have had the greatest influence on you.

Feel free to help me answer this one. In the spirit of delurking week, at least the spirit of the last few hours of it, please feel free to tell me how you see me. I know I'm opening myself up for this but it could be fun.

If that's too much just say hi. Tell me where your from or what brought you here. Ask a question if you'd like. Thanks for reading.

 

Class #3 for us (4 for everyone else)

The mister and I bravely fought jet lag last week to attend our adoption workshop. We'd only missed one class over our trip so that wasn't too bad.

Our class last week started off with our facilitator asking how the holidays had been for all of us because it could be a rough time when you were dealing with infertility or waiting to adopt. There were a lot of chuckles around the room. One couple said "it was great. We were in Mexico." Another chimed in they'd been in Hawaii. Others had gone to Spain. We were in Thailand. Apparently the secret coping strategy of getting the hell out of town and away from family is no longer secret.

Then the facilitator said something that on one in the room believed: "This was probably the last year you'll be childless through the holiday season and New Years. How does that sound to you?"

Well, it really sounded unbelievable. I know I don't believe it. From the nervous looks and sarcastic chuckles no one else really believed her either.  We're all so used to failure and disappointment that none of us will believe it's real until it's really is real.

This class focused on the perspective of the adoptee. Our guest speaker was an incredibly articulate woman about my age. She told her story and answered all our questions. Of course her adoption was closed but she found her birth-mom shortly after turning 18. She talked a lot about how that relationship had changed over the last 20 or so years, especially as she became a mother herself.

She also talked a lot about her brother and how he felt completely differently about his own adoption (he has no desire to ever find more information on his birth family and doesn't like talking about any of it). None of that is exactly rocket science but it was really impactful hearing it from a person who'd experienced it first-hand. How in one family, where adoption was always open and discussed freely, two children could have completely different needs and experiences.

She also spoke about a couple of situations that she just couldn't understand: one friend who used her sister as an egg donor and another friend (also adopted through a closed adoption) dealing with secondary infertility who made disparaging comments about adoption. She said that adoption had always been such a part of her life that she couldn't understand things like donor conception or not being ok with it. In fact, she was surprised that she didn't have fertility problems and talked to her husband early on (like third or fourth date) about adopting.

Anyway, she was so funny and articulate and open and eager to share her story with us. And she was so excited for all of us.

The strange part of the night came after she left. A couple of the other folks were talking about people they'd seen who were clearly part of visibly transracial families. And they wanted to go up and start talking to them about adoption and ask a lot of questions. In front of their kids. I was aghast at that. Who does that? I think there are all kind of ways that you can connect with other adoptive families but on a beach on vacation just sounds horrible to me.

I was also surprised at a few of the folks lack of understanding about the process. We stayed behind to ask a couple of questions about international adoption. Another couple started talking about how they wanted to save a baby from an orphanage. Here in the US. Because, you know, there are so many newborns in orphanages here.

Arrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhh.

Tonight's the last night of class. I think we'll talk some about next steps, some about parenting issues. 

The mister and I have also started on our autobiographical questions. I've answered 26 out of 29. He's griped at the expense of buying the software needed to create a document on his fruity computer. How's that for division of labor? If he thinks he can just copy my answers, he has another think coming. I did tell him he could rent one of my laptops and save some bucks. He wasn't amused.

Class #2

I know, I know, it's very hard to believe I'm writing about something just after it happened. What's wrong with me?

Last night was adoption class number 2. The focus was on adoptive parents. Our regular leader was there and she was superb. I totally loved her. The mister loved her. Everyone in the room seemed to love her.

I asked the mister if he remembered what had us each so edgy from the first week. He didn't remember the specifics but did remember the feeling. There was none of that last night.

We had brief check-ins so the part of me that loves all things therapy was satisfied. We talked a bit. Then two sets of adoptive parents arrived along with their kids.

One of the things that was so great about last night was that these are very recent adoptions: one baby was born in September, one in June. So there were two adorable babies to unabashedly stare at. And it was comforting to hear the couples timelines and stories because they were so fresh.

Our leader told us adoption was often like a roller coaster: there were ups and downs but you didn't necessarily know if you'd gotten on the kiddie ride or the monster coaster until you were in the midst of it.

Each couple faced challenges in the process. One had a couple of matches that didn't work out and a couple of fraudulent contacts through an Internet site. The other had to deal with discriminatory laws in the deep South.  There stories were a bit different but they were both wonderfully touching. It seemed each one really found the match they were meant to have. Both kids were absolutely adorable--no FLKs in the room (which might reassure Liana a bit).

Best part of the night? The couple who brought their son home on Fathers' Day (and yes, that is the correct punctuation in this case) finished their paperwork about this time last year. The other couple started the process in February, completed their home study in June, and even with a couple of failed matches, brought their daughter home in September. All of that sounds really doable and that's my kind of math: seven months for one from the first seminar, seven months from the home study completion for the other. Seven is suddenly a damn fine looking number.

A couple of housekeeping items:

• The mister and I are currently doing this class as part of adoption preparation. It doesn't necessarily mean we're adopting just that we're pursuing whatever we can. We do have a bit of adoption coverage so we figure we can take the class, do our application and maybe even do a home study.

• We're still planning on a donor embryo fet early next year. There are a couple of hiccups that might push it back a bit. Or potentially bigger issues with this match. I'll try to cover before I leave next week.

• The Kid is a phenomenal book on open adoption written by Dan Savage. He and his partner Terry adopted the kid. So when I talk about calling the guys in our class Dan and Terry it's because they remind me of this book for a number of reasons. I highly recommend this book because it's a great story about adoption and Dan Savage is a funny funny man and great writer. It's a quick read. And a happy ending.
  

Class #1

I"m sitting in my pjs doing that 'wfh' thing. Yes, indeedy, it's a very good day at Casa de Millie.

The mister and I have the second-in-a-series-of-five adoption classes tonight. I realized that once again I'm remiss in my posting so I thought I'd process a bit of last week's course by writing about it today.

We did make it on time (woo hoo) but apparently adoptive-parents-to-be are an early sort. No one told us that. The room was full of eager faces and only a few empty chairs. Another couple arrived after us, which always makes me feel like I'm not a total loser. Even though we were a couple of minutes early it seems like everyone else had been there for hours.

We had a substitute teacher for the night and we were much kinder to her than junior high kids would have been. She gave us an overview of the five weeks and then wanted us to 'share our stories' and what not. Nothing like a prompt like that to get a room of infertiles chomping at the bit.

I think there are a total of 9 couples in our lass. The first thing that struck me was how homogeneous the group was: 8 of the 9 couples are white-white-white-WHITE. That's not something that I see very often in the Bay Area. I live in a very diverse neighborhood in a very diverse city. Both the mister and I work in high tech for very diverse companies.  I wondered how this group was so not racially diverse, especially as the parent profiles on the website are much more diverse. Just chance, I guess?

There was one lesbian couple and one gay couple. Of course, the mister and I thought of The Kid right away with the gay couple and hoped the class wouldn't overly focus on things that might not apply to them. I'm worried that I'll start calling them Dan and Terry instead of their real names.

There were three other couples that are also really early on in the process. Like not yet written the autobiographies and submitted the application yet early. The other couples are all either finishing up their homestudy, revising their dear birthmom letter or just waiting to be matched. I think it's great there are some folks where we are and some much farther down the road.

We watched a great dvd that our agency put together as outreach for women thinking about making an adoption plan. There were several different birthmoms and adoptive families in the video and it gave a nice overview to the process but tied into real people and their stories. I'm sure it won't surprise anyone that there wasn't a dry eye in the room afterward.

Tonight we'll focus on adoptive parents, next week (which we'll miss and I'm bummed) there will be birth parents in attendance, then a break for the holidays. In January the first session will be adult adoptees and I think we finish up with more attachment and and parenting issues.

I think we'll look for/join a support group as we get further down this path. It's great to get information but honestly I can read up on stuff and find everyone online. I'm looking forward to the personal parts of the class and really hope to make some connections with people that are in the midst of it all. It will be good to check a few things off our list and that's the main reason we're taking the course now.

There were a couple of things that the facilitator said that seemed a bit old-school to me and annoyed me, but the beauty of waiting a week to write about it is I'm old and I've forgotten. I'll try to pay better attention this week so I have some dirt. Or at least a more interesting post.

just a quickie before bed

I'm exhausted from my day but thought I'd chime in with a short update.

The conference was great. Seriously great. The best keynote EVER for this particular conference. The different tracks were interesting. The mister and I got some helpful info. We met a few cool people. Best part of the day: we got excited about some of our options, especially if our path includes domestic adoption.

I want to write in more detail about some of what we learned and some of my thoughts. But for tonight I'd thought I'd toss out just a few observations.

• No one should have Baby on Board placards on their cars in the parking lot. What the fuck, people? And, yeah, we counted them on at least 4 cars and one had TWO. Oh my infertile brothers and sisters, how quickly have you forgotten?

• If there are gay couples in an adoption breakout, it would be nice if the presenters recognized that they aren't dealing with the same kind of issues. They aren't coming at this from the same point of pain and infertility. Read The Kid by Dan Savage. Hell, offer it for sale on the book table.

• If you're going to have only one parent on the third party reproductive tract, you might want to include someone who actually has children from donor gametes or surrogacy. Not to split hairs, because I loved the woman on the panel (and no, it wasn't me you silly readers) but I think it freaked out a lot of attendees to find that she'd had several failed DE cycles and built her family by adoption. Is there seriously not a single woman or man in the entire bay area who'd step up and join the panel?
  

• There should never ever ever NEVER be a pregnant woman at an infertility conference. Does this really need to be said? I mean. Seriously. What. The Fuck. I don't care if she works for a clinic. I don't care if she's on the board. I just don't give a shit. She seemed like a nice person and I never found out why she was there but she shouldn't have been there. Again, NO PREGNANT WOMEN AT INFERTILITY CONFERENCES.

I'll write more about the specifics over the next few days. But we really did have a good day. We're both very glad we went. We didn't even use our flask. We're going to bed happy and hopeful. And that's a good thing.

My Weekend Plans

Oh yes, we have a very exciting weekend planned. We're so very glam here in Northern California.

Tomorrow we'll spend our day in Palo Alto at the annual RESOLVE conference. Kinda sad when you're excited that an infertility conference might be cool because you haven't been to that site yet. The old location was so close and we knew our way around. Because, you know, all the many times we've gone there. Do you think they have a buy 3 get one free policy?

We couldn't decide if we wanted to go this year or not. In fact we were debating it up until late last night, when we finally made the call. I was able to register online and save a bit of cash as long as I did it by midnight last night. Last year we didn't think we'd learn much and of course we were going to be pregnant in January with our first donor cycle. (seriously, we really thought that)

This year we're trying to get an attitude adjustment and are hoping this helps. We have always gotten good information in the past. And we've met some great people. Back at our first one, we heard quite often how young we were at 37. I don't think we'll hear that this year.

There are different tracks this year:

• Fertility 101 (hahahahhahahaha)
• Advanced Fertility Treatments (might have been useful a couple of years ago. Think they'd let us lead it now?)
• Third Party Reproduction--chaired by an RE who's a Donor Egg Dad!
• Domestic Adoption --this one nearly scared the bejesus out of the mister a couple of years ago but I have a feeling we'll spend most of our time here
• International Adoption --this could have some great sessions as well
• Parenting in Adoption --perhaps better for next year

Pamplemousse suggested we go in our best ripped and safety pinned black clothes, with the mister wearing heavy eye makeup and blaring the Cure as we drive up. I think it would be more of a challenge to pass for 'normal' infertiles. She did feel that they 'got us' infertiles, and rightly so, because of the dessert reception. You know how we love our cake.

I do think her idea of a flask might become my idea. How bad would that be?

So if any of you Bay Area Infertiles are gonna be there, give us a holler. I'll be wearing my pomegranate bracelet.

I'm thinking Sunday will start with mimosas. Oooooh, mimosas.

Millie Goes to Adoption Class

The mister and I went to our domestic adoption orientation session the other night. It was all booked up so it was a very good thing we'd signed up a few weeks ago. Several things struck me so I'd thought I'd share my insights:

• It's not a good idea to get stuck in horrible, horrible bridge traffic and pick a fight with your husband while en route to the adoption seminar. Especially if the fight is about how he's done jack shit to further the adoption process and donor embryo process even though he's made many promises and you are tired of doing it all.
• It's amusing how close said adoption agency is to your local clinic. It's literally around the corner. Is there some kind Why didn't you ever notice it before? At least you'll have the parking all figured out and know the location of the Starbucks.
• It's a fabulous idea to plan such an evening the night after your birthday. Because you will feel really really young when you enter the room. Believe me, that doesn't happen very often anymore, especially with family building stuff.
• Most people in the room will not have done any homework and have all kinds of totally newbie questions. They'll get caught up going down the path of every bad Lifetime Original movie plot regarding adoption. They'll want hard and fast numbers and percentages and will not be mollified with 'every case is different but that is incredibly rare'.
• Many of the faces in the room will be incredibly pinched. A few will be sad. You'll be drawn to the ones that aren't, to that couple that has a slightly knowing/slightly bitter look of just wanted to jump throw the first hoop.
• If you are say, 15 minutes late, and another couple comes in 10 minutes after you, the same rules apply as at college and you will say somewhat smugly afterward 'at least we weren't the latest couple'.
• You will notice all the shoes in the room and slightly rate the other couples by their footwear.
• You will also size up the other couples and wonder who'll get the first match. Suddenly it feels like a contest.
• You'll notice the folks that nod at the right places in the presentation. Which of course are the 'right' places because you are nodding as well.
• You'll go up to the presenter aftewards because you want to make sure you're signed up for the required 5 week adoption preparation class and find that the nice single woman who seemed to know a lot about the process is not adopting her second child, in fact she's going to be conducting homestudies for the agency. And she tells you how fabulous it will be and you believe her.
• And you might go off to a nice Thai dinner with friends afterward, happy with your mate, hopeful for the future and feeling like you've got a great secret that you're not quite ready to share with the rest of the world. Outside of the internets and all.

To sum it up, we're still moving forward with our donor embryo plans and beginning adoption plans at the same time. The mister's company will cover a fair amount of adoption expenses so I figure we might as well start with the application and homestudy and all. I know many programs here have issues with folks continuing ART and many of you have advised me not to tell. I've got to think that if we're already pursuing a cycle with donor gametes and an open relationship with the donors, that can't be that bad to an adoption agency, right? We've already been dealing with many of the losses that adoption folks like you to deal with first and it's not a very big step from donor embryos to open adoption, is it? Or am I just smoking crack again?

Look Homeward, Angel

I finally got around to listening to some of my messages from earlier this week. I'm pretty bad about getting behind. Sometimes it gets pretty embarrassing. I'd seen the area code but thought it was my sister and I'd already talked to her that day.

Turns out it was the clinic in my home state, not my younger sis. I've been on the waiting list for donor embryos there for more than a year. I figured they'd completely lost my info. I'd left a couple of messages that never got returned and had moved on (I was on 2 other clinics wait lists and this was before I'd even done my first donor egg cycle). Guess I'm not the only one who doesn't return calls?

I thought I'd guilt them into some embryos back when I first called them. You know how the tired story goes. "Hi, I was a donor for your founder back in the early days and now I'm infertile. Got any embryos for me?"

I'm sure many of you have tried the same line, right?

It's nice to have options. I'll call the good doctor back and see what he has to say. If this next cycle doesn't work, I can always go home again.

One Way or Another

I'm still trying to get my ducks in a row to do this theoretical donor embryo cycle in a couple of months. One of the things on my to-do list was to call a reproductive rights attorney. So I did.

She's local (very close to both us and the donor parents, in fact) and she's FABULOUS. She's an attorney, therapist and adoptive mom. A past president of the local RESOLVE chapter. Has run lots of the RESOLVE support groups. And did I mention she was AWESOME. I lurve her.

I told her we might be a bit further down the contract path than most people. She offered to look over what we can up with together and see if she could work with it. Thereby saving us $250. She'll look it over at no charge so why not?

I also asked about her adoption services. She told me a bit about that. And recommended a local adoption agency that she really likes. And the Berzerkely Parents seem to like as well.

I called said agency, loved them as well,  and we're signed up for an informational workshop next month. We are getting a baby or two dammit. However that happens. Just trying to be open to the possibilities at this point. 2007 is definitely going to be a much better year. One way or another.

Rude and reckless

I was hoping to have time this weekend to write about something that's been bugging me for a couple of weeks now. I wanted to be all philosophical and articulate and I think the chance of that happening is really, really small.

Instead I'll point y'all to a couple of other places where there a better discussion, like at Julie's, Cecily's and Thalia's blogs.

And I'm just going to rant for a bit. I'm still so upset about what that man did that I nearly start shaking and do start cursing. Trust me, Al Swearengen has nothing on me when it comes to that man and his snowflakes. In fact, these days I make even Al blush.

Now, obviously I think that donating embryos and using donated embryos to build your family can be a beautiful thing. Don't get me started on how that man is trying to use this issue as a run around Roe v Wade. You can not adopt embryos. Let me say that again: YOU SIMPLY CANNOT ADOPT EMBRYOS. You can, however, adopt babies or children. Don't use this issue to go there.

This is not going to be a post about pro-choice issues. Suffice it to say, that nearly 4 years of infertility have done nothing to change my opinions on the subject. I still fervently believe in a woman's right to choose and feel that men need to keep their laws off our bodies.

I don't often get political in this blog but want concerns me the most about what that man did when he vetoed HR 810 was that he purposely exploited children and families built through embryo donation. He used them for a ****ing photo op. And that made my blood boil.

He also took choice away from couples who have dealt with infertility.

Now, if only it was as easy as that man seems to think. Seems to me if all it took was transferring an embryo (or two) to have a baby, many of us wouldn't need repeated ivfs. Or donor gametes at all.

But we all know that it isn't that easy. And the choice of what to do with the remaining embryos is a very difficult and personal one.

The Daily Kos was one of the few sources I found that even talked about the 4 choices that couples had regarding remaining embryos. And because of that man, and how he has skewed the discussion, even Daily Kos has been led to believe that the horrible  Snowflakes and their kookiness is  the only game in town. Even Arlen Specter is claiming there are only 128 Snowflake children. While it's true that's how many are associated with that icky program (and frankly, their statistics are abysmal), there are thousands of children born through embryo donation. And many of these donations involve open arrangements, so that all parties can have information/contact/etc.

I think that couples who have embryos remaining after they've completed their families should be the only ones that choose what happens to those embryos. For some, that might mean destroying the embryos. I've heard of couples who choose to transfer embryos but at a time when the woman doesn't have the right lining. Because they don't want them destroyed but no other options are right for them.

For many couples, donating them to research is what they'd prefer to do. I personally think that's a great option. The chance to help advance knowledge and treatment for a number of diseases is a valid concern and if that is what the couples choose to do, that should be their choice.

And I'm eternally grateful and humbled by the couples that choose to donate their embryos to another couple. Some do that through their fertility clinics, others find their own matches. Miracles Waiting is an amazing resource for folks who want to find the best match for them. In fact, that's where I met the woman who may be our match. It was really important to me to have a more open arrangement because I think that's what will be best for my kids. I want them to have information and contact, if that's what they want.

Selfishly, I'm pissed off by what that man did with his veto. Because I think he scared a lot of people off regarding embryo donation. And made it seem like a bad Lifetime movie of the week. I'm a bit worried that I'll have even more educating people with regards to the issues and how truly normal and beautiful it can be.

I think we infertiles have been through way too much to be told how we should think about our embryos and what we can and can't do with them. Now, maybe this is easy for me to say because I don't have any embryos to make decisions about at this point, but I really think if I did, it should be my decision. And that man should stay the hell out of it.

I don't take coffee I take tea my dear

I thought it might be time for a little update. You know. On the tea ceremony.

I had a bubble tea with green tea and guava juice. She had a nice black tea and a slice of carrot cake. How can I not like a woman that makes sure to order dessert?

We'd been exchanging emails and have talked on the phone but this was the first in-person meeting.

Earlier in the day she asked "How will I recognize you?" I said I was wearing purple and black. She started laughing then, and said so was she.

She was running a few minutes late so I was worried I was getting stood up. But that wasn't the case at all.

So we ordered our tea and sat down, in a haze of purple and black goodness.

We seem to be a lot alike, in big ways and little ways. We both have sapphire rings, as superficial as that is. And blue Timbuk2 bags. And husbands who play ultimate frisbee. And degrees in psychology. And a hatred for one local RE and a love of another. And the list goes on and on.

But mostly we have a strong connection-infertility. We found each other on the internet. Just like I've found most of my favorite people in the last 4 years or so. I saw a post she wrote back in my very dark days in April and I replied. But didn't hear from her.

Until out of the blue a few weeks ago. She'd saved my email and thought we might be a good match.

She has three embryos that she's trying to do right by. And she wanted to have a somewhat open relationship with the recipient couple (and hopefully kids). She was a patient of my local RE and has already talked to him about donating these embryos. And it just seems like a really good fit. And a great option for all concerned. I think whatever happens, we'll stay in touch and be friends. And with more than a little luck, our kids will be 'cousins'.

There are still many steps to take and a few hoops to jump through. I've already emailed Dr Local about this 'hypothetical' situation and I think he'll be so glad to finally get rid of me that he'll be anxious to start. This is just the start of a very complicated plan, actually. I'm not ready to talk about what we'll do if this doesn't work but we're working on all kinds of contingencies. And there will be plenty of time for that.

But for now there are lawyers to contact, blood tests to get completed and folic acid to start taking again. If all goes well, there will be an FET this fall.

It looks like we're back to our original plan of donor embryos. Back when I started this blog, I thought we might get there. In fact, that's what the mister and I wanted to do instead of donor egg. It just felt like the right path for a lot of reasons. I didn't think we'd have quite the circuitous path that we seemed to have found. I've got a lot to say about the whole 'donor embryo in the news recently' and am working on a post about that.

But today is only good news and good thoughts. And good plans (and perhaps some of that fabulous artisanal cheese that Chris mentionned...there is none better than the Cowgirl Creamery. Chris definitely knows how to cut the cheese).

Tea for Two

Here's the part where I tell y'all there might be a new plan. It's still much too shiny and unsure at this point. Nothing is close to definite. But tea will be had tonight (or perhaps coffee). Tentative steps taken to a tentative plan.

The cycle junkie in me is rarin' to get going with something. I'm jonesing for some drugs and blood-draws and all that goes with a cycle. I'm forcing myself not to think about going back to Cape Town, even with the amazing offers from amazing friends. Been there, done that.

And this would be the easiest cycle possible, if it all works out. I'd just have to drive across the bridge a few times. And pay Dr Local a tiny bit of money. Of course I'm not going to call them 'baby steps' but ...

I'm not going to ask for any crossing of fingers or holding of thumbs just yet. Just hold good thoughts.

today's post is brought to you by the greedy clinic

Remember my last ivf cycle? The horrible one with the greedy folks? We'll we'd been getting bills from them. I was expecting a refund (HELLO...We never made it to FREAKIN' TRANSFER but paid for the whole thing) and they were expecting I'd cough up several hundred dollars. Now, in the grand scheme of things that's really not much. But the point is, I felt like the owed me at least some cash back.

So yesterday I was gabbing with my friend on the phone. She's considering doing a cycle with them and I was explaining how I thought that might not be the wisest course. We each had our reasons.

When I got home I opened my mail. There was a HUGE refund from the greedy clinic. Now I've got to eat my words. I think I'll saute them with a little butter and garlic. Everything tastes better that way.

Interestingly enough, the refund was for nearly the same amount as the next thing I'm considering. And it's not donor anything. I know, I know, you just can't keep track. Here I was all set to go on safari and now I'm bandying about wacky ideas.

It's called  IVM which stands for in vitro maturation. They're doing it at a super cool clinic in our neighbor to the north. I had a call with them a couple of weeks ago (about this and donor stuff) and the woman I talked to was the nicest person I've ever dealt with at any clinic. She seriously rocked.

Anywho, with ivm you have a baseline ultrasound, a few days later you take a trigger shot, then they retrieve all your immature eggs. No other drugs! While poor responders aren't the best candidates (you lucky pcos gals are optimum, btw) they are seeing some interesting cases where women who don't respond to gonadatropins do better with ivm. Not great but better.

The mister and I always said we'd try 3 ivf cycles. We've only done 2. I'm seriously considering sending my files to the Northerly Clinic and seeing if they'll give it a try. I'll also be pursuing donor stuff at the same time. I figure I can shoot for a November cycle up North and I hear January is a loverly time to go on Safari. I really want to try something with a higher percent chance of working (like donor) but feel like I can do these simultaneously.

So, that's the (potential) new plan.

so many books...

I'm such a book junkie. I remember the good old days when I was a kid and would beg to be taken to the library. Soon the neighborhood library just wasn't enough. I was addicted to the big main library downtown. Most Saturday mornings my dad would drive me all the way there and leave me for several hours. I was in heaven.

A lot has changed in 30 years. I still love books but now I've got to buy them. I only use my local library to donate the few books that I can bear parting with after I've read them. Back when I was a kid, there weren't big book stores everywhere. Buying books was reserved for special times like birthdays and holidays. Now it's a significant line item in my monthly budget.

Books are a source of strength to me. They let me explore other lives and other worlds. They help me sleep and night and often keep me up until I can finish them. Nothing is better than a rainy day, a big mug of tea and a good book in my cosy chair and a half.

I adore reading and am a voracious reader. The beast simply must be fed. I met my husband in a book club run by a bookstore. What could be more perfect, I ask you? My house is filled with books. The last time we moved the movers suggested I take up a new hobby. I think they mentionned 'feather collecting.'

Now I can even get my fix online. I'm often found surfing the internet late at night, reading book reviews and adding to my wish list. I get my fix easily without even leaving my house.

When I first started buying infertility related books, the neighborhood store was more than adequate. They had the basics. You know, books on charting, how to get pregnant if you're older, etc. Now I need more. So, I consult a higher power and can get anything at my fingertips. Since I'm such a junkie, shipping is always free. I love the postman.

The first part of my most recent order got here recently and I'm very excited.

I ordered these books:

• Experiences of Donor Conception: Parents, Offspring and Donors Through the Years by Caroline Lorbach
• Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Sternberg
• Raising Adopted Children: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent by Lois Ruskai Melina

I'm also anxiously awaiting the release of Having your Baby through Egg Donation by by Ellen Sarasohn Glazer and Evelina Weidman Sterling but like any good infertility groupie I know that doesn't come out until May.

Amazon is so very smart. They just somehow knew I'd want the Donor Conception book first and that's precisely what I got. This is totally what I want and need right now. Helping me take the next steps towards parenthood.

Are those the only chooiicces?

I was supposed to go to an Adoption Symposium today. Mr. Millie and I had talked about it, agreed it would be a good thing, etc. This was back when we didn't have a plan for this year. Now we kind of have one that I'm happy about and I realized last week I'm not ready to spend 8 hours thinking about adoption. Don't get me wrong, it's still an option but this year will be 2 ivfs and then more actively pursuing donor embryos or donor eggs. Plenty of time to spend the dough and time on the symposium next year.

I did, however, get off my lazy butt and do some work on both donor options. Ok, technically I did it at the computer and on the phone (so yes, I was sitting on said lazy butt) but I DID it. I checked out the donor embryo board over at that connecting ivf place and then I freaked.

Thanks to our loverly government there are new guidelines going into affect this year. Um in MAY. You can read them here and see if you can make heads or tails out of them. I couldn't.

So, I called my local clinic (where we're currently in the top 20 for donor embryos--just in time to try for the national title, apparently) and turns out they had freaked as well. Luckily they did it sooner than me. They've at least decided that it doesn't apply to embryos created before May 25 and are furiously working out protocols to ensure future donations will be possible for those that choose that path. They also have at least 25 couples that have preliminarily said they'd want to donate. Technically, I guess that means it's still a viable possibility for us.

I realize that here in blogland, we have all flavors of infertility blogs. There are several that discuss donor eggs (including this one) but I'm not aware of another donor embryo one. If anyone knows of one, could you please let me know?

Anyways, I was making my calls, doing my internet research, etc. when I got an email from an internet friend of mine. I'm still really bad at coming up with fake names but let's call her Kitty, shall we? We met in wedding land and she's always been one of my faves and biggest supporters. She sent me a very expensive care package once, just 'cuz, and every girl outside of mandated coverage states needs friends like that. She had a VERY successful ivf cycle and is now thinking of donating her remaining embryos. Kudos to Kitty! I think it's an amazing thing. There is a huge need for embryo donation and I truly admire every couple/person who has been through the fires of IF and choses to help another couple in that way. She was looking for resources and unsure of where to go. I sent her an incredibly long-winded, boring email citing what I knew (and warning her not to read and operate heavy machinery).

One of the great things about her emails is it got the Mr. and I talking. You can imagine that's rarely a problem for me but he often claims to have used up all his words for the day by noon. See, we've said we were both drawn to embryo donation as a way to build our family but never really discussed the specifics. Like, what would we look for in a donor embryo match?

Finding an egg donor seems like a slightly more straightforward process (at least for  us). I'd want someone that looked at least slightly like me and maybe shared some of the same interests, education, etc. Or I'd just trade up ;) It would be fairly important if we did donor eggs that our kids would at least look like they could be from the two of us rolling the genetic dice.

The same things don't necessarily apply for donor embryos. I think of donor embryos as being like the ultimate adoption (please note that I said 'like' and don't even get me started on our current administration's use of $$ and the word adoption in this arena). We'd be able to control the prenatal environment, experience pregnancy and all that goes with that. It's also more cost effective than some other family-building methods. That's not the main reason we're thinking about donor embryos but it sure doesn't hurt either.

So, would we adopt a child from another culture or race? Absolutely. I have friends who've adopted from China, Korea, Guatamala and Russian. Any of those might be options for us (in addition to others I've probably never heard of). Would we consider domestic open? Yup. Nothing is closed to us at this point regarding adoption. Does that apply to how we think about donor embryos? Of course it does.

Doooh. Maybe we should have gone to that thing today after all.

True Confessions

I think it's high time I came out of the closet. No, not the one you're thinking of another one. One that I don't think I've written about here yet.

See I was an egg donor many, many years ago. This was back in the early days of donor eggs. It was about 14 years ago to be exact.

I had a friend who had two incredible kids through donor sperm. She told me how much it meant to her and her partner to be able to have kids and what a great thing their donor gave them.

Shortly after that the university where I worked started a donor egg program. There was an article in the student newspaper and I thought it would be cool to be able to do for another couple what my friend's donor had done for them.

So, I called up the program and applied. Lots of tests (I'm usually good at them as long as they aren't CD3 FSH levels these days), doctor's appointments, medically history, etc. There was a psychological evaluation which had me a bit worried but was mostly questions about why I was doing this, what did I think about it, etc.

I got matched fairly quickly. This was back in the day when most donations were anonymous. I don't think my recipient couple even got a pic of me as a child. They must have just had a lot of faith in the process.

Or maybe they were desparate. I remember sitting in the waiting room, seeing lots of strained faces. No one really made eye contact. There were lots of RESOLVE brocures around. Now similar waiting rooms are part of the fabric of who I am.

Once I matched things picked up quickly. I had to go to the clinic early every morning for bloodwork. I also had to go back every afternoon for shots. In fact, I spent a lot of time there. I don't know about today but back then donors couldn't give themselves shots. I had to wait in the same waiting room with couples there for appointments.

My first cycle got canceled. I didn't respond all that great. They put me on a long lupron cycle next. The couple must have been crushed. I didn't know what any of this meant at the time. Now I wish I'd payed much closer attention.

I responded much better the second cycle. I remember my best friend took me to the retrieval and waited for me. It was much different then. Everything was done in an OR. I had to wait in recovery for a long time. My friend waited right along with me. She took me home and took care of me. She was leaving for Europe soon after that for a long backpacking trip. It was actually one of the last times we spent a lot of time together. She was killed in a car accident one year later, but that's a different story for another time.

I do know they retrieved 8 follicles which held 8 eggs. Doesn't seem like much now but I know the drugs were different and protocols were different back then. The RE was hoping for 10-12 so I wasn't too far off.

I don't know if a pregnancy resulted. I hope so because now I understand in a way I couldn't back then.

See, now I'm told I should use donor eggs. That's my best chance of getting pregnant. I was blown away when I was first told that. Maybe it was a pride thing? "I don't need a donor, you fools, I WAS the donor?" I'm still not sure why I'm so resistant to donor eggs. I'm trying to be more open.

I don't think being a donor affected my fertility but who really knows for sure. I don't regret it. I try not to regret anything. I'm who I am now and where I am because of all the various choices I've made over the last 39 years.

I wrote to getupgrrl a long time ago, back when she was thinking about using donor eggs and wondering why anyone would pick her. I shared my story with her because I thought it might help. Any donor in their right mind would be estactic to be chosen by her. 

I didn't have any say in who my recipients were and that was fine with me. In fact, it's still fine with me. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable having to judge or chose. I don't know anything at all about them, except how badly they wanted children. 

Some people who know I was a donor ask if I ever think about my children. I do. All the time. But you see, they haven't been born yet.

I gave a few cells to a couple. I give blood. I'm an organ donor. I know that eggs are different but I'm very, very clear on the fact that I'm not yet a parent. If someone contacts me in the future because they share a genetic link with me, I'm sure that I'll talk to them, be there for them in whatever manner they ask, give them whatever they need but they already have parents. I didn't give a child up, I didn't give a child away I only gave the possiblilty of a child to the family that was meant to have that child (if there was one).

Back when getupgrrl was thinking about egg donors there were lots of comments from people who said they couldn't believe that someone would feel the way that I do. In fact, several posters said they wouldn't chose an egg donor who felt the way I did. I didn't come out then but I must say now I found that very troubling. Just as no one truly understands infertility until they experience it, I don't think anyone else can truly understand donating genetic material.

I look at some of the donors now and how much money they charge for fees. Of course they can do that, they have to go through a great deal. But if it's just become a money making endeavor for people with high test scores and 'desirable genes', is that really any better? Is that a trait I want to pass along to my kids? I think I'd rather chose someone with my brand of generosity (and super high test scores, btw).

Why is this all coming up today? I finally met the 2 month old twins of a friend of mine yesterday. They are gorgeous and incredibly loved. She looks a little tired but oh so HAPPY. And at peace. She said it was all worth it. She wished she hadn't waited the many years that she did and had chosen to try donor eggs well before she did.

I told her about the conversation with my MIL and she 'got' it in a way that only she could.

I'm just ready for this pain to be over. I want to be happy again. I want to be the person I once was, or at least could be.

I'm not ready to pick a donor or pack my bags for Capetown (or Spain or Canada or wherever I might end up) but I'm now at least able to talk about this some.

A couple of months ago my husband said the most beautiful thing. He told me that now someone could give me the most precious gift of all...do for me what I did for a couple such a long time ago. It's just my turn. It's not about him and not me...maybe it's just my turn to accept such an offering.