This was my first time joining the book club and I quite enjoyed it. I had been wanting to read Waiting for Daisy since it first came out but frankly wasn't sure I'd be all that into it, what with the "happy ending" and all. Now don't get me wrong, I love a happy ending as much as the next gal but all the reviews I read emphasized her struggle and how she was able to have her "own" child. Since this seemed a bit pat, and seemed to play into so many of those myths about infertility that we deal with on a day to day basis, you can imagine how I dreaded that part.
Unlike many of the members of the book-club, Peggy is local to me. I figured I could at least have fun figuring out the identities of various doctors and practitioners in the book. I'll confess to loving blind items in gossip columns and blogs and what could be better than infertility blind items?
That is still one of my fave parts of the book. I've discussed it with a number of local folks and I found I was far from the only one playing this particular game. Peggy even had me feeling better about what I perceived as my own lack of originality in coining pseudonyms. And, fwiw, Peggy and I seem to share some feelings about some of the folks that she named (and didn't name).
Onto the questions.
Peggy relied on a few things to comfort and give her a sense of security while pregnant or after miscarrying. Did you find that you also had a token, or good luck charm, or item you used to help you recover from loss or a failed cycle?
Well, that's changed for me through the years. I've been at this game for nearly five years, can you believe that? Most recently I have a lovely dragonfly necklace that I bought in South Africa. I found it on my first day there on my second trip when I was doing a donor egg frozen embryo transfer.
I was meeting the amazing Roni (and her man) for lunch but I found the most beautiful tiny, tanzanite dragonfly in my spare time. I've had an obsession with dragonflies for years and had wanted to get something made of tanzanite on my first trip to SA. I found out it was a fertility symbol so I just had to have it. The tail even moves! I wore it a lot that trip and throughout the pain and loss that followed (my second ectopic pregnancy, for new readers). It really did become my touchstone, I'd finger it and remind myself that we would become parents one way or another. I packed it away late last year when we prepped our bedroom for painting.
Remembering all this makes me want to unpack the box so I can have it with me for transfer next week. As I prepare for another cycle after what turned into such a long break I really want to have something to remind me of South Africa, as corny as that might sound. I'm sure flying half-way around the world and cycling alone sounds strange to most people. To me it was incredibly easy and comforting; I made such good friends on that trip and got such amazing care from the lovely Dr Champagne and Sister at the clinic that it can only be a good thing to have some of that energy with me now.
Peggy struggles through the book with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you and your partner to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you right now if you are still trying to have a child ?
Well, I think I come to this whole genetic question from a very different perspective than most infertiles. I was an egg donor years ago, way back in the early days of egg donors, when we all did it for altruistic reasons. I know there are still many, many donors who do that and Peggy's certainly was one of them but it has become such an industry here.
When the mister and I decided to move on to donor gametes we went through the various losses just like most people do. We were, however, very clear from the beginning that being parents was the goal not just getting pregnant. I often liken it to how I felt about our wedding and marriage. So many people seem to focus on the wedding day, planning for it obsessively, worrying about things that may go wrong, questioning and even perhaps regretting their decisions. When it was our wedding, we were truly focused on the marriage and the big picture, which put everything else into perspective. A wedding is just one day, a marriage is a lifetime, right? (at least we all hope that when we're walking down the aisle).
It was probably easier for us to move on to donor gametes because of our last cycle with my eggs which ended pretty badly (I stimmed for 17 days and only produced one crazy-assed pathogenetic egg).
Now we're pursuing both embryo donation and open domestic adoption. We get some questions about that and neither camp seems to fully understand our decisions. I guess folks need us to commit one way or another. We are committed: to building our family through whatever means work for us.
Two ectopic pregnancies have made me fearful of pregnancy, not longing it. Two ectopic pregnancies have scared and scarred the mister in ways that neither of us like.
On the bottom of page 62, Peggy muses that she thought Steven was getting her pregnant. If you're undergoing treatments, who do you think gets the person pregnant? The owner of the other gametes (whether they're your partner or donor sperm/egg)? The RE?
Ha. If only someone, anyone "got" me pregnant. Right now I think that everyone that works with us has a role, the doctors, nurses, Dr Champagne, our donors, all my friends in the computer, our IF support group, our social worker, the FedEx guy, everyone. Maybe especially the FedEx guy. Oooh. and Howie with that lovely accent and kind voice. Definitely Howie.
As the only "man-pie" in this round of the Book Tour, I feel obliged to ask a question regarding the role Peggy's husband Steven plays in her story. There are times when he says things to the effect of "Get over it," and expresses the wish to return their marriage from the uni-dimensional land of Infertility. It is cliche to say that infertility places strain on a marriage, but it was fascinating for me to observe this outside my own marriage in such detail and with such honesty. Did I ever tell my wife to "just roll with it"? No. (Although I am sure in the guise of "helping my wife heal" I said equally unhelpful things.) Did I wish she would just roll with it so we wouldn't be constantly reminded of our misery? Yes. Did I intellectually grasp why that was impossible? Yes, but I don't think I comprehended it on multiple levels until I read Waiting For Daisy. What was driven home to me was how for men and women, infertility is a parallel journey with many mutually exclusive experiences -- it all happens in her body, all very theoretical for me. My powers of empathy are great, but not limitless. I could go on with my own theories of what that leads to but I'm curious: How typical were Steven's responses to your own partner's? Can you ask him? (Apologies for the hetero-centric nature of the question.)
I thought I'd take a stab at this question before brining in the mister. We got married because we were ready to start a family. We have both wanted that from forever. We have always been on the same page regarding everything ttc and I'm incredibly grateful for that.
I have to say is that while it is a parallel journey in many respects, I wish it was only theoretical for the mister. I remember being in that hotel room in Garden State when he had to give me the first progesterone shot. He was so very very afraid of hurting me. He nearly fainted. I tear up thinking about him alone in the ER waiting room in the middle of the night during that first ectopic. It's not hyperbole to say that everything truly changed that night.
We were seasoned pros with the second ectopic but the long weeks of limbo took their hold on us. We hunkered down and did what we needed to do to survive. We constantly told each other we'd get through it and we'd be parents. We knew just what to do at the ER the second time but it only saddened us that we were such pros.
We've both become open about our struggles and open to helping friends with their struggles. We have had too many friends suffer ectopic pregnancies and that horrible, horrible cervical pregnancy but being there for our friends has helped us heal a tiny bit. As cliched as it sounds we have become even closer and it has strengthened our relationship.
Then I went straight to the mister and asked him the question. Here's what he has to say: "We've had more similarities than differences, more in common than not. But I don't know how it feels to be hopped on on hormones. I do think our experience of loss is very similar. We've both been devastated and are having trouble getting on with our lives, living day to day. I think we both feel it's taken over our lives and have both experienced depression. I certainly don't feel any kind of detachment, it's not happening just to you, it's always to both of us. I don't think most people going through infertility get to spend time in ERs. That really changed me because it wasn't just about a baby it was your life was in peril. Stop quoting my blather. I'm dead tired."
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. This book club is open to everyone in the community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.
BTW, I personally love this book and the reminder that not all people that pursue adoption are coming from the same wounded place that many of us infertiles are.