The One Where Millie Nearly Loses It

Tonight I left the hospital. Well, Tall Girl and I left but the mister, baby boy and Sydney are all still there. This isn't how it was supposed to go.

Baby boy has an infection. We don't know what, we dont know how serious it is, we don't know much. The hospital is taking it really seriously (which is great). He's won't be discharged for at least another week. It might be more like 2.5 weeks.

Adoption is hard. Adoption with a c-section and possible disruption by biodad who has been absent for 5 months is really hard. But adoption with all that and a sick baby? OMFG. 

I know they're being overly cautious and I appreciate it. Baby boy is doing well on most fronts: he's eating, peeing, pooping, regulating his own temperature and looking incredibly adorable. But he likely has pneumonia and perhaps meningitis and we just don't know enough.

Yesterday was incredibly hard emotional day. Really really hard.

The mister and I hate the idea of Sydney signing papers so early and doing it in the hospital. Hospital signings, however, are common here. And our lawyer, Sydney's lawyer and most importantly Sydney were very concerned about the biodad so she wanted to sign yesterday.

"We support Sydney, whatever she chooses." That's our mantra, even when it goes against every fiber of our being. We respect her and honor her choices.

She is incredibly selfless and she chose to place her son with us yesterday, knowing it would make the placement go more smoothly because timing might matter tremendously here.

So her lawyer and midwife and mom supported her and spent a lot of time with her. Her story is just that so I'm not going to share much but there were lots of tears all over the maternity floor yesterday. No one can ever question how much she loves this baby and how much she is doing this for him. I am more and more in awe of her every day.

So yesterday sucked big time and today was even worse.

Today was the ped explaining why they needed to do a spinal tap on this tiny baby and why he might need to be in the hospital for 3 weeks. And to stand with his grandma watching through the nursery window while they tried six times to get the fluid from his tiny back. Six times. SIX TIMES.

Then they have up for today. They'll try again tomorrow or the next day. They're doing all they can. Now it's up to the mister and I to decide if baby boy is getting the best care here or we need to move him to a hospital with a NICU. I have no idea how to even know what he needs at this point. Would it be better to move him now, before he's really sick? Or hope he'll just get better with this treatment? If we have to move him to PDX for that kind of treatment should we just take him home where we have more NICU options than almost anywhere in the country?

All I wanna do is spend this glorious time with my newly expanded family. We're all supposed to be hanging at the cushy house marveling at our boy. Instead I get to type this while Tall Girl sleeps upstairs from me and the mister, baby boy and Sydney are 20 minutes away and Sydney's mom is even further and forced with needed to leave her daughter and grandson in  few short days.

 

 

Comments

[Summer]

Oh M, I read this post and I can barely get around my head all that is happening. The infection, the urgency to sign papers, the spinal tap, the six times, dear god, six times with the needle and it still not working.

I am sitting here asking myself what I would do in your situation in terms of whether or not to move Baby Boy to a different hospital and my gut reaction is to say go to the best hospital you know of. Isn't the children's hospital in the town you live in one of the best in the country? Still the idea of moving a sick newborn that distance must be daunting.

I wish I could do more than send good thoughts your way and hope you get a clearer idea, soon, of what is going on with Baby Boy.

[Michell]

Oh man, this sucks so bad. I'm so sorry this is happening for all of you and to the little one. It's so hard to know what to do. I would agree with Summer though that going to the best hospital you know of sounds like a good choice. Hugs to you and I hope things look better in the morning.

[Jen]

Oh, my friend, I'm so sorry things are so rough. Sending lots of healing thoughts for your precious boy, and love to you all.

[EB]

So so very sorry that you're going through all this!!! Our thoughts are with you, Sydney & baby boy!

[BigP's Heather]

Oh No! I'm sorry. I hope they figure out what is wrong he feels better soon!

Thinking of all of you and prayers.

[Bea]

Good luck with all those decisions, and let's hope he gets better quickly.

Bea

[luna]

oh wow. that is just awful.

I'd say consider a transfer, if sydney is OK with it. I know medical decisions are up to you, but I also realize she is quite involved. portland must have a good children's hospital, I'd imagine, which would be your closest option. but that won't be convenient for anyone. if it's only a few days, that could be easiest.

it would be super expensive to transport him to SF or Oakland, but it might be your best option if he will be there a little while -- so you can all be comfortable -- plus we know the treatment is phenomenal (alta bates, UCSF, and more).

ugh this just sucks. I'm sorry you are unable to enjoy your new family as you should, all together.

most importantly, I hope colin gets better fast so he can come HOME soon!

[Pamplemousse]

I wish I could be there to help you guys out with Tall Girl so you could focus on these huge questions. I hope there is a swift resolution, healing for baby and first mama and peace and calm for all of you. Xxx

[Kris]

I'm in Oregon, and Eugene has one of the best NICUs in the state.

[cynthia]

Sweetie, My belief is that anytime you are dealing with any sort of health problem that's NOT run of the mill, you should get to a teaching hospital ASAP -- especially with a tiny baby -- OHSU in Portland, UCSF or Children's Hospital in Oakland. I have a call in to my dear friend who is a nurse and midwife trained at UCSF but now lives in Portland to see which she thinks is better. Hang in there!! Sending you many many hugs.

[Sue]

So, so, sorry for the extra drama, as if there weren't enough naturally!! Wow, this little guy has got some kick-ass super strong family doing everything they can for him. You will all make it through yet another layer of suck - need for NICU care. My uninvited 2-cents are to get to the nearest level III NICU and get him stable then consider a bigger move. It will be a long slog no matter where you are and the faster they can get him better, the faster you all get to watch the drama recede to be replaced by the joy. Wishing all the best of luck as you move through it.

[Maya]

So worried for little baby boy! I'm so sorry that this has become so hairy with so much going on at one time. I just shuddered at the description of the spinal tap and if there is anything sadder than a baby in an ICU I don't know what it is. It means something, I think, that this hospital was unable to get the spinal tap though they considered it warranted. I don't know how you would make the decision to transfer, but I think in your shoes I would move him only once whether that is to portland or home.

Sydney is amazing and I'm glad that the baby is legally safe and her wishes are being honored. I know that her strength is in baby too. He'll pull through and come home soon.

Keeping you in my thoughts, M!

[Lut C.]

My head is spinning just reading this post!
I have no advice for you whatsoever.
What route would you regret not having tried?

I hope things turn around for the better very, very soon.

[Serena]

Oh, M, how scary! Totally understand what you are going through as we experienced similar things when little M was born (minus the adoption and lack of NICU concerns). Have confidence that you will make the best decisions for baby boy. Sending good thoughts your way...

[mellie]

Poor much loved but sick little guy! Not knowing what's going on and having to rush through this part when you just want to celebrate his arrival and lovingly complete the process has to be really hard. It's such a mix of everything. Fingers crossed and good thoughts that this gets better very soon.

[Lynnette]

Oh no...ugh...I'm so sorry for all this "stuff." Hopefully baby boy will be fine, sooner than later. All my love to you and the Mister and TG and Sydney and her family, too. This will get better. I just know it.

[zhl]

Oh, Millie. So sorry to read this. goodness. I have no suggestions to offer, just support. I'm sure you mother's intuition will guide you. Big hugs to all of you. Wishing this were easier.

[Orodemniades]

Wow, this was not what I was expecting to read - I hope things turn out well all around.

[tracey]

So sorry the boy is not well. What a traumatic day and it brought back some not so pleasant memories for me of intrusive medical tests (however necessary) on my guy when he was born. That totally sucks. I don't know, I'm not a nurse, but he's little and infections, aaagh. I'd probably be checking out the closest NICUs - where things like spinal taps on little ones are almost routine - as if that should ever be. Healing wishes your way to everyone.

[Anne]

Poor little guy. I'm so sorry he's so sick. I can't even imagine how hard this is for all of you.

[thalia]

I'm with Summer and Cynthia - this sounds complex and possibility to get worse, better to move now before it does so. Poor babyboy, poor you! Is a halfway house to get the 'right' consultant at UCSF or Childrens on the phone to discuss the case and see what they recommend?

Sydney does sound like an amazing woman, what a tough tough place for her to be.

[Jill]

Oh Millie, I'm sorry it's been so rough for all of you. Just know that all babies have their own story, and this will be his... you will be telling it, he will be telling it... it just is this way. No matter how much we plan, life often writes its own story. Prayers you get through this time with some peace in your heart, and prayers this season is over soon.

[Anna H.]

Oh goodness, just catching up -- I'm so sorry for all of this stress and pain! Thinking of you all... xoxo