Still Waiting

We're still here. Still waiting for baby boy. Not much to report.

It's very surreal though, this waiting time. This is definitely a big change from our last ride on the adoption train. We barely got to see Ms FoodNetwork when she was pregnant (and thought that we wouldn't see her pregannt at all!). We have all this lovely time now hanging out with Sydney and her family. What a gift that is!

We had a couple of days to hang out with the whole family. There was tourist fun and sea lion caves! Shopping at cute beach towns and eating local ice cream. We put Tall Girl down to bed at her usual time (7 pm - don't hate us!) and hang out downstairs play board games and card games and just visit.

We've been sleeping in late and working in our pjs during the day. Our facebook friends are a bit confused about why we're working on our vacation but they'll know soon enough. Sydney, rock star that she is, is still working. I'm in awe of her! Her job requires miles of walking every day and she hopes that will help baby boy come sooner.

Her sisters are just lovely and her mom is as well. They're being good sports but I don't think any of them are comfy with an open adoption. I know they were disappointed not to be here for the baby's birth. I hope they'll be open to a visit when he's small. If this all goes forward as planned, I'd really hate for them to miss out on that tiny baby time.

If this all goes as planned...I still feel the need to type those words before everything. I say themselves to myself quietly often. I do hope things go forward as planned but there are reasons they might not.

Sydney is resolute in her wishes. She is seeing her therapist weekly and reading up. She's deferring all medical care to us. She's signed some very preliminary paperwork that gives us the right to access medical information and make medical decisions. We are adamantly opposed to her signing anything else at this point. We strongly prefer her not signing any paperwork in the hospital but are leaving that decision up to her and her attorney.

There are reasons that her attorney prefers signatures happen as quickly as possible. Reasons that are solely focused on what Sydney wants. Reasons that I'm still grappling with a bit.

The biodad is not, shall we say, supportive. Not of Sydney, not of her adoption plans. In this state, there's not much he can do. He has to actively assert his rights and he has to have actively supported Sydney throughout her pregnancy (emotionally and financially). So far he's done none of that. He has had months to educate himself on all that he needs to do to obtain rights (in this state unlike most others, there are actually no rights to terminate). His personal life is complicated at best and not something Sydney wants her son exposed to. He's not currently in contact with her but his friends and family have been harassing her. They've been calling/texting late and night and first thing in the morning.

Sydney has been honest with him for months about wanting to pursue open adoption.  His family doesn't support adoption but doesn't really know about open adoption and what that might mean for them. This baby has biosiblings (several that we know of including one very young one) and, of course, we'd want to remain in contact with them. In all honesty, the best chance biodad and his family have of any contact with baby boy is if Sydney is able to complete her adoption plan. 

I firmly believe that biodads need to be fully involved in the adoption process. I'm shocked and appalled at some of the current cases making the news where less than ethical agencies and lawyers have worked the system and prevented biodads who want to parent from parenting. In the cases I'm aware of, the expectant moms lied to the biodads and committed fraud. That's not the case in this situation.

Sydney has told biodad from the beginning she wanted to have an adoption plan for this baby. She hasn't left the state (even to return to her home state where she would be supported by her family and friends). She never lived with him or said they would raise this baby together. She's supported herself with no help from him at all. He's had months to assert his rights but as I said earlier he's done none of that.

I think this state is very interesting because they are known for being incredibly progressive when it comes to adoption. They are one of the first states to have enforceable contact agreements. They heavily promote fully open adoption. But they have also legislated very heavily on the side of expectant moms. The laws here prevent someone who hasn't supported a pregnant woman to force her to parent or not allow her to place a child for adoption.

Sydney is very worried that biodad will disrupt her plans. She has very strong and good reasons for wanting to place her son. Our role right now is just to support her as best as we can. Her family is here and supporting her. Her doctors, lawyer and therapist are also supporting her. Our adoption consultant is supporting her. Ms FoodNetwork and a couple of other birthmoms are also supporting her in a way that none of the rest of us can even begin to understand. I'm so grateful she has all this support. 

And I'm so grateful that the mister and I have such good support. Thank you, dear internet friends and dear IRL friends. I've said it before but it bears repeating because it really means so very much to us.

Back to the waiting...

Comments

[Sue]

Here's to all going as planned to the benefit of all parties! Good luck with the waiting - though the sleeping in and bedtime at 7pm sounds pretty nice. Enjoy!

[Michell]

Sounds like a difficult situation. I hope that maybe biodad will eventually see the benefit to the open adoption and the role he can play in it.
As far as the waiting, at least it's a nice location and your having a good time.

[Lut C.]

From what you describe, it sounds like the i's are dotted and the t's crossed, insofar as is possible at this point.

I can imagine you're still apprehensive, who would'nt be? I hope things go well.

[Summer]

It seems there is a lot of complex issues at play. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for all involved.

[Lois]

"If this all goes as planned...." I will keep thinking that this week. Anxiously awaiting the big news. At least you are enjoying your time.

[Mamaliciousdc]

Glad to hear you guys are doing well and staying very present. Things with the biodad sound tricky, but it doesn't sound like there's much you can really do.

[luna]

so complicated, these issues are.

hoping everything goes smoothly for sydney, and for you guys as well.

big week ahead. glad you are spending it in the lap of luxury, at least, during such an incredibly exciting yet stressful time.

we are thinking of you all and wishing for the best. hugs all around!