The One Where Millie Clearly Can't Tell Time

So about those 6 weeks. Apparently I was confused. Baby Boy is actually scheduled to arrive a bit earlier than we'd thought. I'm doing my best ostrich impersonation because Holey Toledo! but the new/actual dates are now September 6th or 13th (one is a date from an ultrasound/the other based on last menstrual date).

But first babies always come late. Right? RIGHT?? When I look at today's date and think "September 6th", I really can't breathe.

Things seem to be chugging along. We're flying through our homestudy update. Sydney and I are chatting online most nights and talking every few days. She's hoping to work as long as possible but we'll see how that goes.

I thought I'd address some of the questions from your comments, if that's cool.

Boys Clothes Cuter than Girls Clothes? from Lut

No how, no way, not at all what I meant to say. I only meant that compared to 9 years ago when I started looking at baby clothes in general, or 6+ years ago when one of my favorite red-headed boys was born, boys clothes have gotten cuter. Not cuter than girls but there seem to be better/cuter options now than existed even 3 years ago. I'm not a fan of pink (although Tall Girl clearly is already) and have bought a lot of gender neutral/boy clothes for her (hello, yellow and red robot pjs) so we'll have a few things. 

Will I become a parent blogger? from Sue

I honestly don't see myself as a parent blogger because I think so many others do it so much better. I thought I'd write more about adoption and parenting after infertility but I just read other blogs (like luna's and lori's and so forth) and find myself nodding and saying "what she said". I also  struggle with what is my story versus my child(ren)'s and her/their firstmamas. We'll see though. I've really missed the process of blogging and thinking about some of these issues. And I've definitely missed the community.

What kind of claiming did we do this time around? from Anna

This has been one of the more challenging aspects in general for me. I struggle with finding a balance of supporting an NPL and her decision to place/make an adoption plan and not overstepping/acting entitled/etc. I'm so worried about making sure an NPL knows her rights, knows we want to give her the space to reconsider/remake her decison, etc that I don't show more excitement or do more "claiming".

This is something that drives the mister a bit crazy and he has a point. And the amazing therapist we met with last week was able to get to the heart of the issue fairly quickly.

I don't know that this is in response to anything that happened with our previous adoption. That was on the fast train as well but we didn't have a chance to spend time together and talk through some of these issues. We also didn't have the advantage of attending a support group AND a therapy session. 

LovelyTherapist knows our consultant well and often does these sort of sessions with families. She also works a lot with other PAPs through various local agencies. She said with other agency/lawyer folks she often has to get PAPs to back off a bit. They are often too entitled and demanding. But we were too far in the other extreme (and by we, she meant me). 

I know that likely some of my own feelings about doing more claiming are a protective mechanism. What if she changes her mind? What if the birthdad stalls the process? What if we all get hurt? What if we all get super excited and it just doesn't work out? What if we manipulate her in some slight way and cause her even more pain than she will feel? She will feel pain. She may feel regret. We know that she (and her parents) will experience a lot of grief because of her decision. But it is HER decision.

The hardest day of my journey to parenthood wasn't a failed cycle or knowing we'd never be genetic parents or even emergency surgery that left the mister in a room by himself wondering if I'd live or die (though those 2 days might be hardest on him). It was watching my daughter's birthmom walk through security at an airport and fly home alone. I still cry everything I think about it.

One of the most important things to me in an open adoption is that the expectant mom-mom-birthmom gets fully supported and has the space to remake her decision. That part is actually easy for me.

But to find a way to really express just how thrilled we are at becoming parents again and how honored we are to be chosen and share our excitement??? THAT's hard. That's the balance that LovelyTherapist helped me find.

Sydney needs to hear that from us, just as much as she needs to hear her parents love, support and don't judge her and would support her parenting this baby. She needs to have at least 2 people who are thrilled about this baby and can not wait to become his parents. She needs to have people who marvel at the ultrasound picture she texted us and want to talk names and all kinds of fun things. 

And there's a lot of fun things to think about and talk about over the next few weeks.

What other questions do y'all have? I'm happy to talk about whatever interests you. We're heading into naming territory so there will likely be some posts there. I'm also starting to think about how best to prepare Tall Girl. And we have the whole "do we circ or not" topic.

Thanks so much for still reading and caring. I'm humbled and grateful.

 

 

Comments

[luna]

ok, so first of all, with my early delivery those are MY dates too. sept. 7 or 14. that is just crazy talk!

I do love how you articulate how you are grappling with the "claiming" issue. as we found with K, it IS such a delicate balance between ensuring the appropriate space for her to re-make her decision after the birth of her child, and allowing yourselves (at her invitation) to be part of this process of "expecting" -- e.g., the anticipation, excitement, planning, naming, etc. K wanted to know that we were excited, that we had ideas and plans. she actually had to push us on the naming issue. the "uncertainty" was in OUR minds, not hers. it's such a fine line, and hard to navigate when there is so much at stake. but your emotions are on the line either way, you know.

hopefully your sensitivity and openness will help sydney feel at ease with making her final decision, whatever it may be.

thinking of you all as you approach this baby's arrival. believe me, I know how fast the next month will pass (we're on the same countdown).

[Michell]

It's funny but before I started reading you, Lori and Luna my experience with open adoption was limited and not the best. I also thought deciding to adopt was a decision I could easily make. Now I find it so difficult. I've come to see the birth parents side so much more. And I admit that I just don't know if I could do the open adoption or at least the initial part of it and the uncertainty of it.
I hope things go well and that things aren't too crazy in the coming couple of weeks.

[PBfish]

Whoa. Yeah. That's soon. I hear you about "claiming". There are so many layers to that one.
Super excited for you guys!!

[Summer]

I can see how difficult it must be trying to strike that balance between showing support for the birth mother/family and "claiming." So wonderful that you have LovelyTherapist to help you guide you all through it.

When you have some time, I'd love to hear how this experience compared to that of TallGirl's adoption.

[Mamaliciousdc]

Thanks for explaining "claiming." I was lost! I get it now, and can see how it would be difficult. You don't want to push her, but she also needs to see how excited you guys are.

Anyway, super thrilled and excited for you guys.

I love the boy sock options from Trumpette. I was so in love with those socks when e was born. The thing is, at this point, I just can't bring myself to spend that much on socks.

[Lut C.]

I don't like army camouflage fabric in clothes, regardless of the colors used, certainly not in children's clothes. There's a lot of that in boy's clothes. That and sporty looking clothes.

I'm listening and learning about open adoption. What your therapist says makes sense. I can imagine a birthmom wants to feel you're committed to parenting.

[PiquantMolly]

OK, I step away for a few weeks and all of THIS happens! Impending congrats, holy crap!

[KS]

Checked back here randomly after years(!) and so so so excited for you and the Mister (and Tall Girl too)! Wowzers! Boys and boy names are the best. I am so glad for you, Millie :) Best wishes for the coming weeks. I'd love to follow you on FB.