The mister and I are home and very glad to be here. I'm going to keep this short and simple for now: things are still moving forward with this adoption but we have made some changes in the transition plan. We are ok. The baby is ok. Ms FoodNetwork is ok. That's all that matters.
Now breathe deeply. Go ahead. I'll wait.
...
...
...
I am beyond exhausted. The last 48 hours have been the longest and hardest of my life. It all started when we went to leave Ms FoodNetwork and her family late on Tuesday night.
I do want to be as clear as I can about this, even as I consider how much and what to share at this point. I've had the benefit of some time and great advice from a number of people so it's all a bit clearer to me at this point. I'm still struggling with what and how much to say here but will say for now her mom's fear and anxiety overwhelmed her. She blindsided us with something and it sent us reeling. She and Ms FoodNetwork have an incredible amount of processing to do and are just in a slightly different place than they thought they were.
I think with every adoption there is, as one friend from our support group said to me, "always one thing in an otherwise smooth process to get your gut churning and have you running for a stiff drink."
It's not a big surprised that all of this bubbled to the surface shortly after our plans to travel were solidified and shortly before we were supposed to leave. This was a last minute situation which our consultant beats into our heads as being 50/50. We had not had the time to really build a solid relationship built on mutual trust. Ms FoodNetwork's family had not allowed our professionals as well as their own to do their jobs. These are make a challenging and complex process at the best of times even more challenging.
I'm very proud of how we handled this tremendously difficult situation. We have said all along that she would need to "re-make" her decision and we'd have to give her the space to do that. We also recognized that some of the process might have to change and we had to be open to that.
Ms FoodNetwork is not questioning her desire to have us parent this baby. She and her family fully support that. They do, however, need a bit more time and a few additional things in place. We are happy to work with them on that but also need to do it all in a way that is comfortable for us as well. This is really serious and hard stuff, no question about it.
During this difficult time several people have stepped in to help and that has been incredible. The midwife is taking a very active role. The family's attorney is also finally very involved. They are both working with our consultant and other folks. That is all really, really good.
The mister and I also have incredible support from wise friends, our consultant, our therapist who has lived through all of this herself and each other. We are just trying to breathe and not let our own stuff and anxiety get the better of us. We can only control what we do and how we react. We can only act with honesty, openness and trust and make sure we are being as ethical as possible. We are focused on a bigger goal than just getting some papers signed or getting this baby to California. This is creating a new extended family and that is never without a few speed bumps.
So back to the nuts and bolts of where we are now: We did change the travel plan. It was just too much too soon for them and we really needed to get home for us. The mister and I came home very early this morning as planned. Ms FoodNetwork returned to school today and her professors were very supportive. She and the baby will fly out here in 8 days. This gives her and her family some very precious time with the baby and gives us a chance to make sure everything is ready to go on our side.
And now I'm truly about to drop and looking forward to climbing into my very own bed, next to my very own mister and surrounding myself with my pets and sweet dreams of the rest of the homecoming in only 8 days.
OMG how stressful! You sound v.level-headed considering what you've been thru. Such an emotional journey.
Hope everything continues to work out for all of you.
Posted by: Sparkle | Thursday, 10 September 2009 at 22:26
I simply don't know what to say, so I'll just send my love and hope you get some much needed rest. xxxxx
Posted by: Seraphim | Thursday, 10 September 2009 at 22:36
oh millie. breath. and don't forget to exhale. how complicated this all is, and you are handling it with grace, strength and compassion. and may all of that circle back to you. many wishes of good karma and blessings to you.
Posted by: arsela | Thursday, 10 September 2009 at 22:41
so emotional and stressful. I agree you are handing it with grace and strength. kudos to you both.
glad to hear there is a plan in place that may work for everyone. these next 8 days will be tough, I'm sure.
let us know if you need anything. and keep breathing.
Posted by: luna | Thursday, 10 September 2009 at 22:54
Millie, I had to read your post several times as I kept wanting to get to the end to make sure that everything was going to be ok for you all. Now that I have actually read it word for word let me first say you are an amazing person who has blown me away with how well you are dealing with the whole situation. I really, really hope these next few days go really quickly for you and the mister. I will be thinking of you and sending you lots of good wishes. Becc
Posted by: Becc | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 01:24
you honestly cant catch a break
i want to be as kind as possible but perhaps the consultant you use is not the best path to take anymore - it does not seem that she excells in her field. you have had too much heartbreak - more than a couple trying to adopt should have to deal with.
Posted by: sally | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 02:01
Wow, what an interesting journey this has been for you. You and the Mr. are being so tolerant, patient, kind, understanding. This family could not ask for better future parents for their baby, or future extended family members to enter their lives. I really hope and pray that everything works out perfectly.
Posted by: kristylynne | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 04:49
Thinking of you and the mister and Ms. Foodnetwork and babyfood right now. I am sure this is all a very difficult time for all of you. Hugs to you.
Posted by: Michell | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 05:32
thinking of you and sending love.
Posted by: elana | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 06:07
I do not know where you have found the strength to go through this, with the plans consistently changing and every day coming differently than you had planned. Giving us a privacy-rated version of this is wonderful (we appreciate it! We're so excited for you!) but I hope you have someone in real life (a girlfriend, perhaps?) that you can call or see and tell the whole situation to. This seems a very large undertaking to have to keep entirely to yourself.
Eight days? You must be beyond excited!
Posted by: daysgoby | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 06:30
Wow. What a long exhale you need to take in 8 days. I hope the time passes as quickly for you as it passes slowly for M Fnetwork and her family. Crossing my fingers this all works out in your favor.
Posted by: Tricia | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 06:35
Thinking of you and sending lots of support, love and good thoughts.
Posted by: Jen | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 06:53
always thinking of you and your mister... sending thoughts of peace and harmony your way.
Posted by: jen | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 07:22
That's a lot. I'm hoping all the hard work now pays off for you, and Ms. Food Network down the road. Best of luck to all of you working through this process.
Posted by: Sue | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 07:32
Oh, Millie, I know this is not the homecoming you and the Mister had in mind, but I do hope that homecoming is coming. You and the Mister amaze me with your patience and your commitment to the type of family building you want. Having said that, maybe you could just take an Ambien or two and sleep for eight days?
And please let me know if there's anything I can do for you here.
Posted by: zhl | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 08:11
A long time lurker, I want to reiterate thanks for being so open and honest and brave through all this. You are an example and an inspiration for me of the very highest order. I'm so hoping that everything works out for the best in this case, particularly for all of you directly concerned.
I know that you know the cliches about how things aren't really your's unless and until you set them free and they come back to you. And what an unbelievable test of faith and love and strength and doing what's right and best is being weighed here. The stress of waiting must be awful. I hope that knowing that you've done the right thing can give you strength and faith that it will work out positively. Whatever happens.
Posted by: Ann | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 08:18
We can tell from your posts how hard you and the mister are working at building trust, building what you hope will be a long term relationship with the birth family and working out a transition that is not only good for the adults involved but most importantly for the baby, too. I think we all hope that the decisions the birth family are making are going towards the same things.
And I also hope that years from now, you can look back on these gut churning moments and say to yourself wow that was difficult and exhausting but it got everyone what they all needed and isn't it wonderful that we have developed a solid relationship with our daughter's birth family.
Posted by: Summer | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 08:48
Oy! You are officially a Saint, my dear. I would be having a serious meltdown by now. I really admire your strength and your ability to keep your eyes on the prize, so to speak.
You make a good point about this being more than an adoption; it's an extended family now.
But damn, I just hope things move forward quickly and that she gets to go home with you, and stay there. I think I understand what they are going through (although I probably don't, really), but it also seems like the sooner Baby Girl is settled, the better for all.
Good luck and hang in there!
Posted by: Rachel | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 10:00
We're thinking of you over here and sending good calming thoughts to the universe on your behalf. If you need a stiff drink, we're not that far north of you and our door is always open.
Heather and Frank and Sarah
Posted by: Heather | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 10:41
Millie, will you adopt me? Honestly, you have got your SHIT together, woman.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: PiquantMolly | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 11:25
sending peace and love and strength and calm
thinking of you all and praying that things work out in the best way possible
Posted by: Angela | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 12:45
Sending you peace and strength.
Posted by: Sue | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 12:49
Oh sweetie, hang in there. Like the others, I'm sending you peace and strength. be well.
Posted by: PBfish | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 13:35
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for you that you are having to deal with this. I kind of had a feeling that Ms. Food Network's mother was going to be . . . challenging. I can't believe how centered you are being about this. You are truly modeling open adoption at it's most ethical, and I think that that is a beautiful thing for people to see. You are an inspiration. I'm wondering if you are concerned about the influence Ms. Food Network's family will have after the adoption is finalized. I hope you are able to draw some clear boundaries while still having the extended family you want. I'm crossing everything I have that this works out for you.
Posted by: wavybrains | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 14:34
Girl, you had better have some great reward waiting for you tomorrow, after your fundraising, to celebrate your birthday big style!!! You definitely need it.
You know I think your adoption consultant rocks and I know you have a fabulous support network there in Cali to keep you going through this process. It is a fantastic thing for Ms FN and her family to be able to have more time with the baby before they pass the baby's care into your hands and my admiration for you and the mister just keeps on growing as you negotiate your way through.
The Headbanger and I have you all in our thoughts. Time for some Beatles Rock Band to distract???
Posted by: Pamplemousse | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 14:38
You sound like a rock of sensibility and strength. I think I would be out of my mind in a whirl of obsessive worry. Hoping this is the last of the big speedbumps for you guys, and for wee Eleanor.
--Bugs
Posted by: Dead Bug | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 14:53
Thinking of you all and hoping for Very Good Things to come!
Posted by: Milenka | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 14:59
Are you really feeling as strong as you sound? You've been through so much already, and I had hoped you were finally through all the heartache:(
Posted by: Bonnie | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 15:14
You and the mister are seriously incredibly strong folks. I hope that you will be able to build that trust you need with them.
Thinking of you!
Posted by: Susan (skim321) | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 16:20
I am holding my breath and hoping beyond hope that your grace and strength bring the most desirable relationships in the long run. I truly am excited for you and really hope that the extra time brings comfort and peace to all involved. It will be really nice to have time alone with Ms. Foodnetwork and baby Food@
Posted by: Krista | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 18:03
Daaamn, what the heck happened? It sounds a bit like having a challenging MIL. So, uh, you should be very experienced in this area! ;)
It sounds like you are taking things as they come. I so hope things with Ms. Food Network's family will work themselves out so that the adoption will continue to go forward.
Posted by: Red Headed Momma | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 18:17
Oh rats...........what a bummer. I really hope that this all works out for you.
Posted by: Ellen | Friday, 11 September 2009 at 20:50
Hi Millie...
I'll check back when I can...glad you are back with the Mr. and your pack...details, details, details. Details suck!
Posted by: crispy creme | Saturday, 12 September 2009 at 01:23
Just a bump in the road, just a bump in the road, just a bump in the road, ...
If I say it often enough, will it become true? I hope this time the dream comes true.
Posted by: Lut C. | Saturday, 12 September 2009 at 12:50
Sending prayers and wishes of peace to cover all of you.
(((((((((((((M))))))))))))))) (a really serious hug)
Posted by: MollyMorgan | Saturday, 12 September 2009 at 12:58
Sending all my best thoughts to you and the mister, M. We did not have your experience, but we waited a long, long time to finalize, and it can be so hard for people to understand that--and consequently it can be so hard not to question your own resolve. The thing that comes through more than anything is how resolved you are to do this thing honorably and with the most open of hearts, and I cannot even express how moved I am by that. Everything good to come....
xoxox
JennaM
Posted by: JennaM | Saturday, 12 September 2009 at 20:03
Mille sweetie, I totally understand what you are trying to acomplish here, but damn you are a way better woman then me. My heart is so hurt for you right now, I even cried when I read the whole post. I am so pulling, praying, and wishing that in 8 days your little one comes home. I know this has been a hard and long road for you, and I want you to know that I am completely in awe of you and the Mr. Please know that I will be here if you need anything.
Hugs,
Rebel
Posted by: Rebel | Sunday, 13 September 2009 at 06:30
Wow Millie - your patience is astounding.
Thinking of you,
T
Posted by: T | Sunday, 13 September 2009 at 16:20
Your strength is truly mind-blowing. Thinking of you and the Mister so much.
Posted by: Jan1902 | Sunday, 13 September 2009 at 16:39
Oh girlie....You sound so brave in your post! You know, I am so proud of you for the way you're reacting too all of this. Big hugs!!!!!!
Posted by: louise | Monday, 14 September 2009 at 08:34
It has taken me awhile to write because I just don't know what to say. Enough already. I just want you to have YOUR baby - with you, right thisveryminute.
I'm just thinking of you and hoping the days could possibly be flying by for you. How are you holding up? Hang in there. You are so brave and sound so level-headed through all of this.
Posted by: lo-lo | Monday, 14 September 2009 at 20:08
I just logged on after the weekend and saw this. I'll be thinking of you, Ms. FoodNetwork, and the baby, and hoping for the best possible outcome for all of you. You sound so serene in this post and yet I know it's really, really hard for you--even though you know that you're helping make this a better adoption plan and relationship for all of you.
Posted by: Erin | Monday, 14 September 2009 at 22:36
I am trying to process this in the most positive way I can, but all I can say is "Wow." Keeping all hope going toward the best result for everyone involved. Thinking of you and DH.
Posted by: MichelleL | Tuesday, 15 September 2009 at 08:49
Hope you're hanging in there OK. I'm sure it can't be easy to be apart from Babyfood.
Posted by: pixi | Tuesday, 15 September 2009 at 15:29
How are you holding up? Thinking of you this week.
Posted by: wavybrains | Tuesday, 15 September 2009 at 21:32
Hang in there Millie. I so wish that this was a smoother process for you. You have truly been through EVERYTHING, haven't you?
Posted by: Sue/holdingpattern | Tuesday, 15 September 2009 at 22:51