Everyone's a Little Bit Unsatisfied...But Only For Now

I've started so many posts in my head. But the words just don't seem to come. How many times can I come here and say we're still waiting? Perhaps a few more.

Time is passing so incredibly slowly. Is it really only a few days since we've been home? Is it really two weeks since she was born? And one week since the speed bump? How can that be?

It has been a huge relief being at home again. HUGE RELIEF. It's also been a bit of a crazy time.

Saturday was my birthday. It was actually a pretty damn good one. It wasn't the best birthday ever that I'd hoped it might be but it was mighty fine it it's own way.

I was awakened in the middle of the night by thunder and lightening. We just don't get that here and it's something that I miss. It seemed like we were still in Lonestar or back home. My poor kitty had never experienced that kind of storm in her whole, short life and freaked out. I found it soothing. It mirrored my own emotions over the previous couple of days.

It wasn't as welcome the next morning when it was still raining and I headed into the city with friends for a three hour spin cycle fundraiser. Outdoors. In the midst of the storm. But we persevered and it was an amazing day. We raised a ton of money for an awesome charity. I met some incredibly inspirational people and I biked my heart out. It was just the kick in the ass I needed.

I followed that up with a very long massage and then a nice small get together with a few Beatles-loving Rock Band playing friends. And a lot of champagne. Lots and lots of champagne.

Sunday was nice and mellow and the mister and I hung out in front of the tv most of the day. We didn't really feel like venturing far from our den.

Yesterday the real world came crashing back. We both spent most of the day making calls, leaving messages, getting logistics handled. There were calls to the midwife and lawyers here and there, our consultant, the agency here and banks there. It just brought all the stress and agitation up to the surface and out in the open again.

Yesterday it got hard again. No nothing changed in terms of our plans but just the act of "holding all of this" became overwhelming. It wore both the mister and I down. We're both running on fumes at this point. We're back to not sleeping well and just feeling like extremely taut strings that will break at any point.

I was sitting on the couch at one point, trying to compose an email to someone. Ms FoodNetwork? The midwife? I don't even remember. The mister said "There's something I need to talk to you about" and I bit his head off. I'll admit those words often set me on edge but I just couldn't handle it.

He wanted to talk about what he wanted to get me for my birthday. Poor guy. He wanted to talk about getting me an extravagant present ( a ROAD BIKE of my very own!) and I snapped at him. This is not how I ever want to be but this is our reality for now (but only for now).

Today it was hard all day. I think doubt began setting in for both of us last night and it just isn't letting up really. Every time we get an email or a text or a phone call from one of the people involved my heart just pounds. None of this is rational, I know. Everything is moving along but there is just nothing left for us to do at this point but have faith and believe.

That's the hardest thing of all. The mister and I have a tremendous amount of experience in things not working out. We're right back in limbo land and we hate it here but we know how to survive. We hunker down. We rely on our friends and we've got some amazing ones who "get it" and others who are just here for whatever we need.  We reorganize our Netflix queue so there's lots of dark comedies and tv series with a lot of cursing. If I wasn't so lazy I'd cite previous limbos where we went from Vic Mackay to Al Swearengen then Tommy Gavin and finally through Frak. We're now solidly settled into Jimmy McNulty. Finally. Honestly I'm not sure there's anywhere to go after The Wire.

So while I may sound strong here please believe me that I'm not always that strong. Because I'm not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just incapable of even typing during those other times. I do have a great resource network and am relying on them very heavily right now. I'm trying to let them help me but I'm sure it's not a big surprise that is one of my areas of weakness. I am working on it though.

I just want to take a minute to explain something about our consultant. This is partly in response to sally's comment on my last post but I'm sure that many of you reading this are thinking similar thoughts and questioning our consultant and her ways of doing things (and sally please understand that I know your comment comes from wanting to protect us and a place of love...I mean no disrespect).

We chose our consultant because she is one if not the most ethical people in the field of adoption. We do think that she does an amazing job, when she is empowered to do it. In this situation she has not been able to do the work she would like to do. The mister and I knew that was a risk (just as we know that any last minute situation is risky) and there's only so much I feel comfortable about saying here. There are many complicating factors in this situation. Our consultant has been there every step of the way for us and done a great deal of work behind the scenes that is invaluable. She is available to us, the midwife, the other family's attorney, our agency and our lawyer. She goes above and beyond in every situation. She also creates an amazing community that we are thrilled to be part of and so incredibly grateful to have right now. The other adoptive and birth parents in her community are amazing models and true friends.

I think there is still a perception that you can "just adopt" and things will be easy. Adoption is messy and complicated. There are huge decisions that have to be made and honestly these are the most serious decisions anyone can ever make. We PAPs have the luxury of time and resources, at least the resources to research and think about what kind of adoption we want and process many of our own issues around it. Someone who is thinking of making an adoption plan for their child is put on the fast track, especially if they've been in denial about the pregnancy as so often happens.

While I do think our path has been potentially longer and harder than we would have liked, I also know that we are doing everything in our power to have the kind of adoption we want: ethical, honest, respectful and open.

What keeps me going this week is knowing this will be over soon and we are doing everything in our power to stay focused on this baby and treating everyone as well as we possibly can. While this week seems incredibly long to us I'm also sure it seems incredibly short to Ms FoodNetwork and her family.

Now it's time for me to get back to my diversions. The Beatles are warming up and those drums aren't going to play themselves. (Pamplemousse and The HeadBanger: we've got your spots saved. It's just not the same without you!)

Comments

[Becc]

Hi Millie,

Just wanted to say Hi and let you know that I am thinking of you (here in Australia) and I really wish you all the best. I am going on holidays, so hopefully when I get back your beautiful baby girl will be home and snuggled up in your arms. Stay strong, try and keep yourself busy, even if it is watching your favourite TV shows and remember the stress and frustration will be all worth it when your baby girl finally arrives home.

[Not On Fire]

I am wishing you peace.

[Angela]

I don't know what to say except I'm thinking of you every day and praying for the whole lot of you and hoping that everything works out and everyone gets what they need....especially that darling Baby Food.

XOXOXOXOXO

[Jen]

You are in my thoughts. What a rough time.

[Lynnette]

Sending a big hug.

[Pamplemousse]

You know where I am, if you need to swear and shout. Feel free
to vent at me, not the poor Mister! Even better, how about getting some (temporary) real drums ;)

PS I am re-watching McNulty in season 4, in preparation for finally watching season 5. I have been postponing the inevitable as I do not want it to be the end, sob! What is up with his wild haircut though?? I want to take the scissors to his head. And how come I now think Prez is hot??? Is it the teacher thing??? Too weird!

[Julie]

I love how you're always not only able, but committed, to putting yourself in Ms. Food Network's place and think about it from her perspective. When you said, "While this week seems incredibly long to us I'm also sure it seems incredibly short to Ms FoodNetwork and her family," I wanted to stand up and cheer.

...And point out that in the very grand scheme of things, in the span of time you'll have with your child, it will be incredibly short.

Someone told me that during our hardest days with Charlie, and I had a hard time swallowing it just then, but it's all...redeemed now, you know?

Hang in, lovely people. I think you're doing beautifully.

[Michell]

I can't even imagine the stress and fear that must come up for all of you at times. I wish I had something else to say but know I'm thinking of you all and hoping that things eventually calm down and everything works out great for everyone involved.

[Orodemniades]

If you haven't already seen it, might I recommed a little flick called Meet The Feebles? It's like the Muppets crossed with, with, with, well, with all sorts of wrong. You'll feel ill while you're laughing, wondering what kind of sick mind thought of this in the first place.

Why, that would be Peter 'I made the best travel ad EVER with Lord of The Rings' Jackson.

For other enjoyable mindlessness that requires no thinking, try any of the following: British Series' Hustle, Monarch of the Glen, At Home With the Braithwaites, Shameless, Dr Who (Christopher Eccleston/David Tennant), and that's all I can think of off the top of my head. American series (all available on Hulu): Wipeout, Burn Notice, Eureka, Glee, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Kingdom, SPACED, and Chuck...

I wish I could take away some of the current strain, but I think all you can do at the moment is breathe...

[tess]

keep on keeping on.

22 or so years from now, you are going to be the parents your child will be proud to call a friend.

[pocket]

I just think the answer is so obvious. You are approaching it all wrong. The Wire is a great show, but you would feel a lot better about yourself as a person if you were watching the multiple seasons of Lost that you have missed out on.

All I can do is hold you and your whole family in my thoughts as I do every day and I can cook. So that's what I am doing. I am cooking. Chili of hope. Applesauce cake of faith. Mac and cheese of persistence but this time with a more assertive cheese. Chicken adobo of integrity and enchiladas of patience with a mango honesty salsa.

[Sharon]

Hang in there! We are all pulling you. I must admit whenever I see you post that my heart starts pounding too-so if your pounds like that every time-I can't imagine!

[Sue]

I'm sorry this is so hard, but I understand why this is the only way to go. I'm hoping all is resolved soon.

[Val]

Sending you good vibes. If I was in your shoes, I don't know if I could handle this. I suppose being infertile has taught you the precious art of patience - whether you wanted to learn it or not. Please keeping posting - even if it's to say you have nothing to say. I was getting worried.

[jen]

Oh Millie... you know I'm over here thinking about you and your mister almost constantly. I wish that I could do more than just send the vibes of peace through the airwaves to you and every one involved. I know that you guys must be hanging on by a hair at some moments, but I also know you have complete faith in your consultant and you know what you want your adoption to be... and I know you guys will get there.... and yes, adoption can be a messy ordeal some times, no matter how gracious, honest and full of love you are. There are forces that are out of our control, and we just have to move with the waves of uncertainty... or be forced under, and hope we resurface. I love you guys. I wish I could hug you... not just send chocolate!

[Rachel]

I hope it's a short wait. Hang in there!

[Anna H.]

love you, ms m.

(and you chose the very best diversion: jimmy mcnulty. yum.)

big kisses to all.

[T.]

Goddamn, I admire you so much. You are everything, everything a child could hope for in its mother.

[Lut C.]

At the risk of offending you, I'm actually relieved to read that no human emotion is unknown to you, such as stress and frustration. Not that I wish these upon you, not at all.

But I was starting to think that
A) you're a saint and should be venerated accordingly
B) this blog is the figment of someone's imagination
C) you're vulcan.

Now I really have offended you. Oh well, it's a diversion of sorts.

In all seriousness, I'm hoping for you to finally move out of limbo into parenthood.

[Roni]

Dead Like Me - Showtime series that was canceled all too soon - a really great quirky black comedy series. Just my thoughts on another one if you don't know of it already.

Thinking of you all the time. Hoping and praying for the outcome you so richly deserve.

Love to you and the mister.

[Summer]

My wishes for you and the mister are that Friday gets here NOW! And no more speed bumps.

Thinking about you daily...sometimes several times a day.

[clover]

I'm sorry its been so hard. I hope that whatever happens is ultimately the right thing for u and Ms. FN. and yeah- i know what u mean about a long torturous week.

[Liana]

As I listen to your goddaughter yell at Swiper (from Dora) in the other room, I think back to how much you and I have been through together over the years. All I can say is that I am wishing, hoping and yes, praying, for you and your man every night (along with your goddaughter). I pray for your happiness and for your becoming forever parents.

If you run out of strength, I've got more for you. If you need to snap/cry/whine/curse, my ear is always here. You, my friend, define goodness, reason, and stability. You've been my rock when I've been adrift and lost. You, my friend, are a treasure in my life.

Know this and feel the C/S family love. Let it buoy you through to Friday and beyond.

[luna]

aiy. first let me sy happy belated bday! sounds like it was just what you needed.

what a week. such a tough place to be, yet your compassion for ms. fn speaks volumes about your heart. not an easy situation for anyone, yet you are making the best of it. what else can you do?

I know you can't feel strong at every moment, but keep breathing through those tough ones.

oh, and deadwood and the wire got us through some crazy hairy times. go you. we're on bsg now.

xo

[Chrissy]

The adoption of our son took 5 weeks, from the time we met him at 2 weeks old, until his birth mother signed the papers and he was able to come home with us. I know exactly how you feel right now. Everyday wondering, bonding with a beautiful baby, it is a million times harder than any infertility treatment I had ever done. Keep the faith (I can say this now 2.5 years out). You will all be in my thoughts and I have my fingers crossed for you that you will get to bring your sweet baby home.

[Kimmie]

Sweetie!!! Still here rooting for you guys!!! " While this week seems incredibly long to us I'm also sure it seems incredibly short to Ms FoodNetwork and her family." this is extremely eloquent and empathetic. Hang in there...

[tigerest]

I am so sorry that this has been so difficult. I know there is nothing I can say because you already know. I learned much of what you said very quickly. I just kept telling myself...I will become a mother, and that shortly we would know if this would be our baby, and whatever may happen, it is worth the try! I hope it all works out for you and I will be thinking all the positive thoughts I can for you guys! Hang in there.

[lo-lo]

I'm so amazed by your strength and courage through all of this.

I just keep thinking and hoping that once that baby is very comfortably in your arms and snuggled with her Daddy that all of this will melt away.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

[Tammy]

I'm thinking about you two lots and wishing everyone involved peace. I can't imagine how very difficult this is on all parties and hope a resolution that everyone is happy with occurs soon.

[Heather]

Still crossing fingers and toes and sending out good thoughts.

[Red Headed Momma]

Reading along and thinking about you guys...It's almost Friday!

The Wire is treated like the eighth wonder of world around here. For some reason, South Park is my favorite diversion.

[PiquantMolly]

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! It's Friday! Tomorrow!

It's only a day away!

[Erin]

Just sending lots of peaceful thoughts and hopes to speed up time for you. I can tell that this is incredibly difficult, but I admire you so much for being so committed to doing things ethically for everyone involved. Adoption is such a messy situation, and ultimately it needs to be about what's best for the child. The way you are doing it, with loving parents on both sides who have full knowledge and transparency about the whole process, is what's best for this baby girl.

I hope she is home with you soon.

[PBfish]

I'm pretty speechless here, except to empathize and pray that this gets easier. As always, I admire your ability to be so good and so kind.

[Aimee]

Sending you love and support and HOPE. Try to get through this time as zenfully as you can.

As far as I am concerned you and the Mister are candidates for "sainthood". Your honesty, fairness, openness are truly beautiful. Sure you might have bad moments but with you they are moments - they are not constant, consistent or mean-spirited. You are able to take an umbrella/helicopter view of the whole situation. Millie you are awesome and deserving and tenacious and will cross that finish line to mommyhood very soon.

God Bless you both and baby Eleanor and the FoodNetwork Family.

[DD]

My cheeks hurt. The ones I sit on. Because they are so clenched up in nervous anticipation. I can only imagine what yours feel like (ooooh...they're NICE!!).

[lo-lo]

One more sleep.....One more sleep.....

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, we love you tomorrow, you're baby will come to you tomorrow. It will be Friday soon. Stay strong Mamma.

[Alexandra Infertile Gourmet]

Anxiously waiting and wanting to hear that this has moved on. Limbo is a terrible place to be. THis has been so long....

[wavybrains]

Anxiously waiting for good news Friday! You are in my thoughts!

[MollyMorgan]

Ok, it's officially Friday where I am. You're not quite there, but this still counts as a "Whew----you made it to Friday!" comment.
What*a*week. Getting closer, Millie. We're all with you.

XXXXX XXXXX

[zhl]

Oh, Millie, I've been about this post for days and trying to come up with something to say. I can hear the fatigue in this post. I hope things are still moving forward. I'm thinking of you.