Same As It Ever Was

For all of you obsessively stalking this space: still here. Still waiting.

Ms FoodNetwork had another appointment yesterday. She's a bit more effaced and a tiny bit dilated. The baby has dropped. The baby's head was felt. So maybe tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday? Oh and the midwife had a vision it's a girl. Not sure what her stats are on her visions but perhaps we'll add another data point soon?

It has been pointed out to the mister that he will be adding another Virgo to his family, if all this goes well. Apparently some people think this calls for sympathy. I think as long as he does everything the way it should be done then life will be smooth and organized. ;)

We I survived the in-laws visit (though I LOVE calling them outlaws, thanks MM for that). It was good it was brief but we had a lot of fun in The City. I tried not to take offense when they thoroughly enjoyed two activities I'd suggested FOR YEARS which suddenly sounded appealing when the mister suggested them. Why do I bother?

Our therapy session was tremendously helpful although I'm not sure what our therapist made of our introductory remarks ("Not much has happened since you went on vacation. An expectant mom called 13 days ago and she's now overdue and we're waiting for her to go into labor any minute. millie's dad was just diagnosed with prost@ate cancer and her mom is not disclosing her own medical issues and the mister's parents are in town and at their usual tricks."). Our therapist is fantastic! She helped us identify what we need through all this and some concrete ways to be kind to ourselves. She has walked more than a mile in our shoes and that is priceless.

She helped us see how some of the particulars in this situation (staying at the family homestead and the legal concerns) are likely how this family is expressing their fear and concerns much like that recent situation did with names.

We've made progress on the names front. We have two solid full names for a potential girl and are thisclose to a fully baked boy's name in the event the midwife's vision doesn't come to pass.

We still aren't sure how the first days/weeks after the birth will go. To Louise's point (and btw I hope none of you worry about being presumptuous because I enjoy thinking about your questions, truly), I think this family would like time for all of us to bond, in a more expansive way. We all want a similar kind of adoption and this could be a very special time to all be together. I think it's more about bonding our families together than just their bonding with the family. I know I would like to talk more about a transitional period and I'm hopeful that talk will happen. The good thing about this baby taking its (her???) time is that we do have more of a chance to talk through some of this and also to get to know each other.

In our consultant's service many of the families have a co-parenting period. Often the first day or two are spent together then there is some sharing or back-and-forth with the baby. Many of the families we know spend much of the days together and then the baby spends one night with the adoptive parents and the next night with the birthmom. This can go on for a couple of weeks. Sometimes the birthmoms breast feed, other times they pump and still other times the baby is completely formula feed. I know these scenarios are likely very different from what many of you experienced and can be hard to wrap your heads around.

 Most of the other babies are born in hospitals and there are hospital plans in place where the expectant mom expresses her wishes. Our consultant is great at working with the expectant moms to make sure their wishes are verbalized and that everyone (adoptive families, hospital staff, other friends and family) is aware of these wishes. This situation is fairly different because Ms FoodNetwork will only be at the birthing center for a few hours AND she and her mom haven't been open to hearing about how some of this can work.

Honestly at this point we aren't sure of what Ms FoodNetwork wants or that her voice is being heard and that concerns us. Her mom is a strong driving force and has very clear ideas about what she thinks is important. In fact, I think as long as she supports an adoption plan it will happen and she seems to be completely in favor of this adoption happening. I do know that Ms FoodNetwork has been thinking about adoption long before she even told her parents she was pregnant. That is really important to both the mister and I because if we felt that she wanted to parent we would not be moving forward with this.

The mister and I are very much on the same page about that. We're currently thinking we'll stay on the family homestead for a few days and get a hotel room for the remainder of the time. That is for us. We do recognize that we need to take care of us in all of this. And clearly I will need wifi to blog about all of this.

The other complicating factor is that school starts next week. I know Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to miss much school. There might be some other ways we can have a transitional period that might allow her to at least resume part of her life. We're just trying to be flexible about all that.

So this weekend we'll see a couple of movies and perhaps a musical (Wicked, anyone?). I'm going to bake some treats for Ms FoodNetwork (she's requested dairy-free (yogurt ok) and chocolate free...any ideas)? We'll hang out with our friends here. We'll play a little Rock Band. And see what the next few days bring us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
@jen:Rocks with salt? Yes please!

@jen2: Chug away! We love the local brand around here (Hangar One) in all splendid variations. When you visit, we'll take you on the tour.

@MollyM: LOVE all your suggestions! You rawk! Am printing them out and posting on my fridge. Must remember to take down before next visit.

@luna: Would love to hear your suggestions about transition as well.

@Michell: You are ON for cupcakes! Raspberry vodka with red velvet cupcakes???

@Heather: Zen received. Thanks! Love your excuses as well!

@Becc: Thanks so much for commenting!!!! Thanks for reading as well. I know how hard it can be to delurk and truly appreciate it. Feel free to write or comment anytime.

@Red Headed Momma: You don't make mistakes with anything! I think the side agreement will solve everything. I think it's more important to hear their concerns and acknowledge them and try to show "good faith" in actions and legal things. It's also important for me to hear what's behind this fear and not let it irk me every time I think it's settled. Working hard to be your Zen momma-to-be like I was your Zen-bride (although I suppose it's an oxymoron to work hard to achieve zen anything.Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm).

@Sue: We all use math everyday. Are you and yours watching the Tour of Ireland?

@LutC: Thanks!

@Lousie: Did my explanation make sense? I'm open to other suggestions and always open to feedback/questions.

@Roni: You nailed it: speeding train and anything but all at the same time.

@Pocket: Welcome home! Hope to see you guys soon. Wanna go to cool baby gear sale tomorrow?????

@DeadBug:Saw our mutual doc last week and thought of you. She still has great shoes. She chastised me for going so long between visits.

Comments

[wavybrains]

I'm so thrilled that things are moving forward and that you are approaching things as holistically as possible. As a college professor, I have had several new mothers in classes. I have always been happy to work with my students--I hope her teachers are able to do the same. If she does want to try to nurse during the transition period, one option would be for you to stroll around/near campus with the baby and then she could feed after class. Even if she is not nursing, she's probably going to be leaking, so a thoughtful gift for her might be some super-duper nursing pads so she feels less self-conscious in class. Many colleges have pumping rooms--if she doesn't already know about that, it would be something nice to find out. The seats in my college are old and ancient--some of my new mom and pregnant mom students prefer to bring a tiny cushion to sit upon, another possible gift for her since I know you know awesome travel supply stores.

Is it possible for you to have some time with Ms. Food Network sans her family? I know you said you texted, but I'm hoping that you get a chance to get to see her without the other influences. Also, I just want to applaud her for doing a birth center birth! She rocks. And if she decides to have you there, I think you will really enjoy the experience much more than at a hospital. The ones here in OR will let mothers leave as soon as 3 hours, but they can also stay up to 48 hours, so if that works better for your transition, staying longer might be a possibility.

Is the plan right now to wait until she goes into labor and then you will go or are you waiting for them to ask you to come?

Enough with my questions. I'm just so fascinated by how you are approaching this situation. Much like reading Dawn at This Woman Works, I really look forward to watching your adoption unfold.

[Tammy]

Hi there - I have been reading your blog for ages ("meet you" through Tertia's blog) and am delurking to tell you I am THRILLED for you. I know everything isn't sewn up 100%, but this sounds like it's headed in the right direction. I also admire the respect you have for the birth mom, her family, and the as-yet unborn baby. I have been rushing to my computer everyday for updates. I hope you have great news soon.

[Sparkle]

Far out this is 'full on'!
Hard to comprehend all the various dymanics at play and being in the middle of it all.
Fingers crossed.
I think its a girl too.

[Michell]

oooh, raspberry vodka. What do you mix that with? I think I've tried it straight before (after many other drinks) and thought it was pretty awful straight. You are so right about the delay in the little one showing up is giving you all more of a chance to talk things out. I do have to admit though that the coparenting part would freak me out a lot. I think it's amazing though what you guys are doing as far as the getting to know one another and such. Hoping you'll get to travel soon.
So glad the inlaw visit went moderately well and that they are now on their way elsewhere.

[louise]

Your explanation makes total sense, and really no explanation owed. :-) I think the transitional time sounds great, I was mainly trying to figure out if mom wanted ya'll there for the birth, or just to appear sometime afterwards. :-) Every situation is so different and unique. We did some of the transitional time when we were out of state with our DD, and I think it worked out OK although as I look back I often wonder if our daughter's other mom now wishes we hadn't been there/that she had gotten more time to herself. I felt like we were pretty sensitive, but, I often wonder. That time was very special and precious, for us all to be together, and where I truly felt like she was our family. Your consultant sounds very sensitive and awesome, and it sounds like you are in good hands :-)

[Krista]

I know that there are still many important details to work out. And I know that in the end everything will likely not go "perfectly" but I am so excited for you right now. You are so close to getting what you have waited for for so long! Can't wait to hear how it all works out. I really admire your determination to do this all the most ethically and sensitive way. It is a lot more work and requires a lot more selflessness, not something a lot of people could do.

[Mad Hatter]

Hi. I just found your blog while looking for "high fsh" blogs...so pleased to see that you are thinking of baby names. I am newly diagnosed with a high fsh and am trying to cope and find my way. Thank you for giving me hope. All the best to you.

[pocket]

I think it's a girl too! And the waiting is grinding. I'm happy the outlaws (love that!) were run out of town. I can't go anywhere today because there is grandparent action going on over here today, but I'll call you later. Want to hear more about this sale! Maybe Monday?

[Summer]

Sounds like there are still things to sort through but things are more or less going well. Can't wait to hear the news that you are on your way to the big state. I hope at some point you'll post some pix of the little one!

[MollyMorgan]

The transitional process sounds so much more humane and sensible; wonder why it's not done more often (or is it that I've just never heard of it but that it is done with some frequency)?
Very good comment from Wavy and I also hope you can get some personal time just with birthmom.

Why would they want not to look into any of the transition process info or the other resources? I'm sure it's tense in their house as well and that's one symptom.

Sorry to hear of your father's illness & mother's mysterious silence....can't be helping with your stress. I hope you're able to get a little exercise in. A good steam or sauna wouldn't hurt for relaxation either!

XXXXX XXXXX (ten fingers & toes, crossed)

[Bonnie]

If Ms. Food Network can hold out until next Monday, you'll have a birthday twin with Braeden. (and the weather will hopefully be much cooler-even in the Lonestar state).

[Lut C.]

I'm only good at banana bread, and it's usually well received where I go.

I must confess, I can only gawk at your open adoption path as it unfolds. Closed adoption is still very much the norm in my parts, unless I'm sorely mistaken. I've cruised through some adoption information a good while back, and contact with the birth parents was never mentioned.
It sounds like a very sensible way of doing adoption, open that is.

Do you have any idea if MrsFoodnetwork is still talking to other prospective parents?

[tricia]

I can't wait to hear about this baby being born, a smooth transition from Ms. Foodnetwork & her mom to you and most of all.... to seeing the profile pic changed from those shoes to a new pic with a newborn set of tootsies along side yours and the mister's!

[PiquantMolly]

OMG WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

So, so, so excited for you!

Waiting, waiting . . .

[Erin]

Just wanted to delurk also and let you know that I can't wait to hear more about the baby and the whole process!

[jen]

Now, how am I supposed to send vodka that is a local flavor? it seems they only have a couple of suppliers as well, and with my luck they would go to deliver it, and well, you would be headed for a delivery of your own... well, that would be the best possible luck there is, huh!

Well, everybody is thinking girl.... I'm just itching to buy some girlie stuff... It's all boy stuff 'round these parts!

Our adoption caseworker told me last Thursday I needed a girl to even things out!

[tubelessinstl]

I feel as though I have not checked here in 6 months. I'll be sure to keep checking in more often. I feel as though I can never say the right thing to those in waiting (you, the mister and Ms. FoodNetwork especially!) so I'll just say ... good luck and best wishes for a smooth transition for all. I hope you are busy with a new jumping bean soon.

[Red Headed Momma]

Update please?

[PBfish]

Obsessively checking... :)

[Orodemniades]

I think it's going to be a boy.

[T]

Finally have something to say aside from wishing you well and all that jazz. F. Can't - I was going to say meringues, but I'm a moron obviously. Nope, I've got nothing. Dammit!

I keep thinking girl too - but what do I know?

You know about "the happiest baby on the block" book? No offense meant, I got that book a bit late and absolutely wished I had read it before bringing A home.