« Weekend in New England: Finally The Recap! | Main | Raising a glass to Tertia »

Sunday, 19 April 2009


Whoa. That is some heavy sh*t. I can see all sides of the equation. I commend you for keeping the child's rights and feelings utmost in your heart and mind. I pray that this will work out for you because you've been waiting so long. And I'm hoping that she can somehow learn to put her (very understandably) hurt and disappointed feelings aside and think about what would be best for her baby so that you can all move forward.

On a side note: getting off quarterly estimated tax payments was the best thing we ever did. S-Corp for us. I would recommend discussing the pros, cons of each with a good accountant. I can refer you to ours if you'd like.

Wow, tricky. I defer to the experience of your consultant. Good luck moving forwards - for everyone.


I have no advice, but I think you are absolutely moving in the right direction.

I so want this to work out for you.

Huh. Very intense. I have, of course, zero advice. Can I offer words of encouragement instead? Good luck, I hope everything works out.

No advice. I hope though that things work out well for all involved with as little stress as possible. Hugs to you.

In our case, our birthmom softened toward birthdad a lot after C. was born. Before birth, she had many of the same resentments. She got upset when I mentioned contact with him and his daughter down the road. She called him horrible names, said he was so unintelligent he could barely speak the English language etc. Once C. was born and a couple months passed, she told me she said those things out of anger and bitterness and they were not true. She said he was a smart man who was too overwhelmed to deal with her pregnancy and the concept of adoption. I haven't tried to contact him and don't know that I ever will unless C. wants me to, but I'm glad to know she was able to let go of her hatred toward him and accept C's right to pursue contact with him down the road. All the best with this potential situation and all its complexities.

That is a tough situation. I wish you both the best as you work your way through this.

Oooh - that's a tough one, I'm sorry. Sounds like you've a good mindset about it though (please work out, please work out, please work out).

I can offer advice on the business though - s-corp! Do you know any business accountants that you can talk to? I researched both s-corp and llc extensively before deciding on the S (I had a partner). Good luck there - making those hideous payments = BRUTAL.

Sounds like anger (whether deserved or undeserved) is clouding her big picture thinking here. And it isn't surprising. So many respond to hurt with an "I'll show them!" white hot anger flare without the foresight to see that a) this flare cannot be sustained and b) it isn't what is best in the long run.

Perhaps you can help her to recognize that her feelings are about punishment...and yes this may be deserved for him, but does the baby deserve to be cut off from this limb of her family tree simply because of his fuckwittage? He may deserve to be hung by his scrotal sac, but munchkin still deserves to know this missing sac man who provided half of kidlet's DNA. As you said, it isn't about giving in to him, but about preventing some of the pain for the child. Helping her validate all her feelings toward this man yet guiding her toward separating the baby from the fallout of these feelings is where I would go where I attempting to play counselor here.

I think that if she had the foresight to make an adoption plan, she can get to the point of separating her feelings about him from what's best for the baby. J had some similar thoughts initially in the process but worked through it.

Hope this isn't assvise.

We faced a very similar situation in one of our adoptions. We made it clear before the adoption, like you seem to be doing, that we wanted to support people when we could, but we had to stop short of taking sides in their fights. No matter how much of an asshat the other person was being. Because it wouldn't be right to cut off the child from half of their biological history/connection just because the adults hate each other. How would we ever justify that twenty years down the road?

They weren't easy conversations, for so many of the reasons you state. I'm sure our position even seemed unfair and insensitive at times, from the perspective of certain parties. But I am so glad we laid it all out prior to the adoption. There was never any question where we stood and those conversations paved the way for some real progress and healing later on.

I would the exact same way you do, and I just hope that the biomom can understand where you are coming from and that you want the best for the child. I am sorry you are struggling through this.
On the business front, my dad researched this out the wazoo and felt an S-corp was best for his consuting work, he's been happy with that.

Can't do any better than what you are doing and the advise you are getting. I hope she's able to come around...as much for her own healing as for the baby's well being.

you and the mister are going about this in all the right ways.

i hope that npl can work through her feelings about biodad no matter what happens with the adoption plan.

sending love to you all.

It's an ever-evolving process, but it absolutely gets easier. I have only a slightly analagous situation, but the principle has to be the same: loving/respecting NHL and advocating for the wee one are not mutually exclusive. You can do both with equal intensity even if they conflict.

The comments to this entry are closed.

My Photo

October 2011

Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
2 3 4 5 6 7 8
9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22
23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31          

Blogs, blogs and more blogs

Blog powered by Typepad