I should be outside enjoying this weather

Good grief but the weather here this weekend is gorgeous. Just spectacular. It's in the low 80s and sunny. My plan was to spend as much time outside as possible. Instead, I'm still in my pjs on our formerly comfy couch.

It's been a catch up kind of weekend around here. Last weekend was all about taxes. It was a rough one. When you're a self-employed consultant who's never committed to setting up your own business, you pay every April 15. And pay and pay and pay (actually I pay every quarter but this one is always the worst). I'm hoping to decide between an LLC and an S Corp in the next week or two and finally get off my duff. If this means anything to any of you and you have assvice/input/horror stories please feel free to email me. I could use all the help I can get about now.

What I really planned to write about here was one of the bumps in this potential adoption. I'm not sure it's really a true bump but it does complicate things a bit and we're not sure how it's going to play out. I'm also struggling with how much and what I want to write about here so bear with me as I struggle through this.

It's about the biological dad. That's the term I'm going to use because that's the language NHL uses. It's about him and it's about the two of them.

I think it's likely very common to have issues between the biological parents in a potential adoption situation. In fact, it's probably the norm. I know in other situations we didn't have much information to go on so that would be easier in some respects (terminating rights) but much harder in others (we really want to include as much of biofamily as possible).

I know it's not uncommon that a biodad will leave once there's a pregnancy. Many of the birthmoms I know were very upset during their pregnancies because they didn't get the kind of support they wanted/hoped for from the biodads for a variety of reasons.

That's certainly part of this situation. But this biodad wasn't given much of a chance to provide any support either. I can understand why he's shocked and surprised to find out that NHL is pursuing an adoption plan. He was lied to for months and that's a tough thing to find out.

Right now we're in the middle of all this. NHL has asked us to go along with not naming the biodad on the birth certificate. We've explained to her why that is unethical and wrong and we would not move forward with her if she felt that way. She's also asked us to promise that he wouldn't have contact with the baby. I can understand why that feels unfair to her but that is not a promise either of us would make for a number of reasons.

We can see a path where we develop a relationship with him that is separate from our relationship with NHL. She can't see that. I do understand that. She feels like he has no rights because he didn't support her in the way she wanted/hoped for from the beginning. I understand that as well.

In our minds, it's about what's best for the baby. There are many reasons why we think it's important to forge a relationship with the biodad. We'd feel that way in any situation because in our perfect situation our children will know as much of their biofamily as possible. I think in this particular situation it's even more important because this baby is biracial. I especially want her to know the side of her family that has a different heritage from NHL (and us). There are also half-siblings involved and that contact is not something I want to deny any child of mine.

We knew there would be challenges in any situation. We're moving forward as best as we can. This is where our consultant is so great and truly earning her keep. She's dealt with these situations time and time again. She'll make sure that we all proceed in an ethical manner and that no one's rights will be trampled on. I know there are lawyers and adoption "professionals" who would encourage NHL to lie and then terminate parental rights however possible. I'm so very glad that group doesn't include our consultant.

I'm sure there will be a lot more to come about this. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who's dealt with similar situations. We're trying to find a balance here of supporting NHL while trying to feel out the other side and just navigate through all of this

Comments

[Rachel]

Whoa. That is some heavy sh*t. I can see all sides of the equation. I commend you for keeping the child's rights and feelings utmost in your heart and mind. I pray that this will work out for you because you've been waiting so long. And I'm hoping that she can somehow learn to put her (very understandably) hurt and disappointed feelings aside and think about what would be best for her baby so that you can all move forward.

On a side note: getting off quarterly estimated tax payments was the best thing we ever did. S-Corp for us. I would recommend discussing the pros, cons of each with a good accountant. I can refer you to ours if you'd like.

[Bea]

Wow, tricky. I defer to the experience of your consultant. Good luck moving forwards - for everyone.

Bea

[Orodemniades]

I have no advice, but I think you are absolutely moving in the right direction.

I so want this to work out for you.

[PBfish]

Huh. Very intense. I have, of course, zero advice. Can I offer words of encouragement instead? Good luck, I hope everything works out.

[Michell]

No advice. I hope though that things work out well for all involved with as little stress as possible. Hugs to you.

[Patti]

In our case, our birthmom softened toward birthdad a lot after C. was born. Before birth, she had many of the same resentments. She got upset when I mentioned contact with him and his daughter down the road. She called him horrible names, said he was so unintelligent he could barely speak the English language etc. Once C. was born and a couple months passed, she told me she said those things out of anger and bitterness and they were not true. She said he was a smart man who was too overwhelmed to deal with her pregnancy and the concept of adoption. I haven't tried to contact him and don't know that I ever will unless C. wants me to, but I'm glad to know she was able to let go of her hatred toward him and accept C's right to pursue contact with him down the road. All the best with this potential situation and all its complexities.

[Malloryn]

That is a tough situation. I wish you both the best as you work your way through this.

[T]

Oooh - that's a tough one, I'm sorry. Sounds like you've a good mindset about it though (please work out, please work out, please work out).

I can offer advice on the business though - s-corp! Do you know any business accountants that you can talk to? I researched both s-corp and llc extensively before deciding on the S (I had a partner). Good luck there - making those hideous payments = BRUTAL.

[Liana]

Sounds like anger (whether deserved or undeserved) is clouding her big picture thinking here. And it isn't surprising. So many respond to hurt with an "I'll show them!" white hot anger flare without the foresight to see that a) this flare cannot be sustained and b) it isn't what is best in the long run.

Perhaps you can help her to recognize that her feelings are about punishment...and yes this may be deserved for him, but does the baby deserve to be cut off from this limb of her family tree simply because of his fuckwittage? He may deserve to be hung by his scrotal sac, but munchkin still deserves to know this missing sac man who provided half of kidlet's DNA. As you said, it isn't about giving in to him, but about preventing some of the pain for the child. Helping her validate all her feelings toward this man yet guiding her toward separating the baby from the fallout of these feelings is where I would go where I attempting to play counselor here.

I think that if she had the foresight to make an adoption plan, she can get to the point of separating her feelings about him from what's best for the baby. J had some similar thoughts initially in the process but worked through it.

Hope this isn't assvise.

[Heather]

We faced a very similar situation in one of our adoptions. We made it clear before the adoption, like you seem to be doing, that we wanted to support people when we could, but we had to stop short of taking sides in their fights. No matter how much of an asshat the other person was being. Because it wouldn't be right to cut off the child from half of their biological history/connection just because the adults hate each other. How would we ever justify that twenty years down the road?

They weren't easy conversations, for so many of the reasons you state. I'm sure our position even seemed unfair and insensitive at times, from the perspective of certain parties. But I am so glad we laid it all out prior to the adoption. There was never any question where we stood and those conversations paved the way for some real progress and healing later on.

[Jan]

I would the exact same way you do, and I just hope that the biomom can understand where you are coming from and that you want the best for the child. I am sorry you are struggling through this.
On the business front, my dad researched this out the wazoo and felt an S-corp was best for his consuting work, he's been happy with that.

[Peeveme]

Can't do any better than what you are doing and the advise you are getting. I hope she's able to come around...as much for her own healing as for the baby's well being.

[anna h.]

you and the mister are going about this in all the right ways.

i hope that npl can work through her feelings about biodad no matter what happens with the adoption plan.

sending love to you all.

[JennaM]

It's an ever-evolving process, but it absolutely gets easier. I have only a slightly analagous situation, but the principle has to be the same: loving/respecting NHL and advocating for the wee one are not mutually exclusive. You can do both with equal intensity even if they conflict.