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I'm finally home after a loooooooong trip. There was much fun, merriment and 10 cent martinis. How can that not be good?

I do have a lot I want to write about but am still processing some of it. My December resolution (why wait until New Year's Day?) is to post much more. I'm not working, not traveling and actually have things to write about so I shall be writing.

New Orleans was totally amazing in ways both good and heartbreaking. I definitely have a lot to say about our trip there.

DC was good but soooooo cold. I survived by shopping (new hat, scarf, gloves and tall black boots) and drinking (that's the family part of it).

We decided to tell our families about TNPL in an email since things seemed to go well. We knew there would be much trip planning while we were in DC and both the mister and I felt strongly about not stealing his brother and partner's thunder.

My MIL was so excited when she got the email that she couldn't nap. How cute is that? How much of a switch from the evil woman who confronted me nearly 4 years ago and spouted off about why we should do donor eggs (at least it would be the mister's baby) and how you never know what you'd get with adoption! There is hope for her after all.

I don't think there's much hope this particular situation will work out though. We haven't heard from TNPL since our canceled meeting. I left a message while we were in New Orleans and another once we got home. I still had some hope until after the second message.

I talked to our consultant today. She had also left 2 messages with no response. She said that probably 9 out of 10 expectant moms who consider adoption do this kind of dance where they consider adoption, read some profiles, maybe even meet with prospective adoptive parents, then disappear. It's often too hard and shameful to let the PAPS know that plans have changed. I hope that isn't the case with TNPL because we, of course, support and honor whatever she decides to do. And we truly wish her and her baby all the very best.

Yes it's disappointing, I'm not going to lie. But it's really as bad as you might think. I know another situation will work out. I just don't know when. Much like our first NPL this seemed almost too easy and too good to be true. But most importantly this really isn't about us. I think it's easier because we've given up all semblance of control: we have surrendered.

In six years of infertility we've never had any control. Oh sure we tried to find things we could control like diet, supplements, positive thinking. But that's all artificial. Truly none of us have any control. That's the hardest part to get past but once you do, it's very freeing.

It's also easier because it's hoops season, baby! My boys in blue are off to a fabulous start and provide a nice diversion. In fact there's a game tonight! Go Heels!

Comments

[Summer]

Surrendering can be very freeing, but it's certainly not an easy thing to do. You are a strong, strong woman, Millie and I am in awe of how you are handling everything that life has thrown at you these last few years.

[chris]

Okay, I'll bang my head up against the wall for you guys.

[luna]

I'm disappointed for you guys too.

this surrendering thing is hard, but it's the only way. as you said, very freeing to just let go... yet it must be so tough to remain unattached to the specific prospects as they present themselves. the lack of control is a constant test...

so glad you had a great trip. looking fwd to hearing more about it...

[Kay/H]

Hope you found lots of yummy food while you were in DC.

Also -- what Chris said. xx

[thalia]

Oh millie and mister, I am so sorry. You sound very calm about it all, I'm glad you're feeling ok, but it must still be so very disappointing. I so hope it's not too much longer til one of these situations works out for you.

[Tonya]

You really do sound very zen about the TNPL situation, but I am still sad. I will continue to be hopeful for the right situation to come along very soon for you. (And I can't wait to hear more about your travels!)

[Teendoc]

Aw geez, Millie.

[louise]

Thinking of you!

[Lut C.]

I'm most impressed by your enlightenment. Clinging on to the illusion of control is hard, but letting go is harder.

[Roni]

Your strength is amazing, and I just wish this would work for you already.

Many hugs, and I'm glad that you had a good trip.

[Kimmer]

Well shit Millie, I had so much damn hope for this situation. I'm so sorry. Just sucks. But, you will be placed eventually. You sound like you are holding up very well despite and glad you are going to be blogging more because I miss you! GO HEELS, wohoo!

oxox,
Kimmer

[Red Headed Momma]

I'm sorry to hear about TNPL, but am beyond impressed by your attitude. And you are right, another situation will work out. I hope it's soon.

[Michell]

I'm sorry it seems as if the situation isn't going to work out. I was so hoping for you. Glad you had a good trip.

[T]

I'm so sorry about TNPL and of course, you're absolutely right about control and giving it up - very difficult thing to do though, so good on you!

Hang on - 10 cent martinis?? How have I never been to this paradise on earth?