One step for right, one step for wrong, step away

I seem to be getting more and more behind. I really do have all these posts swirling around in my head and plan to get them down but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Last weekend was our adoption consultant's monthly group meeting. I can't believe it's been a whole month since that last debacle. Any bets on whether or not we attended?

We were scheduled to go to a 25th anniversary show for one of my fave bands ever, the delicious Camper van Beethovan (this post's title is from one of my favorite songs of theirs). We didn't, for lots of reasons, but that was our excuse for not making the meeting.

Actually we didn't make excuses. I talked to our consultant late last week when she was asking us to drive out and pick up the young couple I wrote about last week. She thought it would be great for them to attend the meeting, you know because the NPL would be there and it would be great for them to talk to the NPL and some other expectant parents and birthparents and such.*

Honestly I do not know what she was thinking. Now in her defense she did ask the NPL if it would be hard seeing us. The NPL was looking forward to it and just worried it would be hard on us. We were worried it would be hard on her.

And since part of the group is about doing check-ins, we knew we couldn't go. We have no desire to ever deal with Mrs Vulture-Hag again (thanks to Anna H for clarifying her name) and our check-in is not something the NPL should have to hear. The next group we attend (and we are contractually obligated to attend 9 in the first year), my check-in likely will be all about how awful it felt to see overt manipulation and coercion and how important it is for us to be as ethical as possible and how we are very happy with taking the high road and will always be able to tell our children those important truths.

Again, not something the NPL needs to hear, don't cha think? So I wrote this very long email to the consultant explaining why we wouldn't be attending:

I wanted to let y'all know we won't be able to make it this weekend. There are a number of reasons and we were planning on bowing out this month but knowing that NPL (and presumably The Vultures will be there) sealed the deal.

I think it would be very uncomfortable for NPL and I am concerned that no one else seems to be considering this. I don't think anything should be done to bring any discomfort to her and I can't imagine seeing us close to her due date would be anything but uncomfortable. We have no problem seeing NPL but worry that it is might be too hard/unfair to her. We truly want to support her but feel the best way to do that would be not to attend.

It was our understanding that The Vultures were not members of the service but that seems to have changed. Please understand that what I am about to say has nothing to do with the fact that The Mister and I were not chosen. This is not sour grapes at all. I don't know if you will believe that but we have thought a great deal about this and truly that is not where this is coming from.

Due to Mrs Vulture-Hag's incredibly bad (and frankly manipulative and coercive) behavior at the last meeting, we do not want to attend any group they attend. We made this decision before we knew they were chosen by NPL. I thought I made myself clear when I spoke to you the day after the last meeting but apparently I as not as clear as I would have liked.

We have no problems with Mr. Vulture. We had no problems with Mrs. Vulture-Hag until we were subjected to her inappropriate behavior at the last group meeting. We choose not to associate with people we consider unethical and manipulative whenever we can and so we are choosing not to interact with her again. Again, no issues with Mr. Vulture or seeing him, only Mrs. Vulture-Hag.

One of the things that is paramount in whatever adoption The Mister and I do, is that it is as ethical as possible. We chose you and your service because of your commitment to providing ethical adoptions. We want to be able to look our children in the eyes and assure them that everything was done with the utmost thought for them and their birth families, and there was no coercion or manipulation. We just want to do as "right" by them as possible.

We were very careful not to use any coercion or manipulation at all with NPL. Frankly, the idea of it turns our stomaches. Now we feel a bit sullied simply by association and that is very troubling indeed. We came to you and your service to hoping to prevent this sort of scenario but know that can't be predicted. We  were very disturbed by Mrs. Vulture-Hag's behavior during the last meeting and do not wish to subject ourselves to anything like that again.

I am not naive. I know there is often a great deal of even subtle manipulation and coercion that goes on in any adoption situation where there is a match. I know you have probably seen much more overt manipulation but that is not the point. I know that expectant mothers don't want to "let down" couples that they like and they often feel an obligation to the couples that they don't even recognize. I've read too much from birthmothers and adoptive parents who later recognized this for the coercion that is is, and had regrets. I do feel that balancing the relationship building in a match/potential match situation with an attempt to eliminate any coercion is a delicate balancing act.

Again, just to reiterate: this truly has nothing to do with not being chosen but with the boorish behavior of a particular women that we prefer not to interact with again. Truly. We're a bit disappointed that the environment we were looking to share has turned out to be unsupportive but we do recognize that isn't something we can control.

Please don't think that we don't blame you for any of this but we would like you to understand why we feel the way we do. We look forward to seeing you both at future meetings but request that you respect our wishes.

Pretty wordy, huh? If you have read this far, you truly deserve a medal. I got back a very speedy and considerate email. I do think she heard my concerns. It really is a shame that at a time we could really use the group's support we felt like it would be a painful place for us and put the NPL in an awkward position. I don't think we'll attend next month as they will all likely be there again (with babe in arms) but after that I am hoping the Vultures just go the fuck away and we can go back to the group.

Our homework this month is to connect with some of the group members and talk about some of the other information that was covered. There are a three couples that live nearby and we like quite a lot so perhaps we'll try for a brunch or something. As luck would have it, one of you lovely readers was at the meeting. I'm only sorry I didn't get to meet you then (or hear how the wedding plans for two of my fave guys are coming along).

Oh and the young couple from last week has likely chosen a single mom we know. One of her children is biracial and she's not likely to get pregnant. Sounds like a good fit for all of them and we wish them the best.

The mister and I are off to my hot and humid home state for a family wedding. We'll be weekending in the only urban loft accommodations in a lovely small town known for being the birthplace of Elizabeth Dole and Cheerwine . And if you don't know what Cheerwine is, my friends, you are totally missing out. I see a lot of Diet Cheerwine and tasty NC bbq and hushpuppies in my very near future.

*I know, I KNOW. One of the posts I'm working on in my head is all about why these meetings can actually be good and the expectant and birthparents do get a lot out of these and why our particular situation was so different. It's coming. I promise.

Comments

[Roni]

Millie, your email was filled with grace and honor. Without meaning in any way to sound condescending, I am very proud of you.

I hope you have a lovely trip.

[BrooklynGirl]

Well, in honor of Camper Van: "There are good guys and there are bad guys. There are crooks and criminals....And there are folks like you and me."

Congrats on taking the high road.

[luna]

I am so sorry you couldn't get the support you needed when you most needed it. I agree you handled the situation with grace and honor, as roni said. you should be proud of the parents you will be some day.

hope you have a wonderful weekend!

[thalia]

Well, it's a tough message you sent her, I'm glad she listened. I can only imagine how let down you feel, given all the thought and all the emotion you put into your situation there. Hoping that this gets easier from here.

[elana]

what a well-composed email. i think it conveys your feelings and disappointment in the situation perfectly. and i hope it makes the consultant more aware of the kind of coercion that can go on.

[MichelleL]

Have a good time at your wedding. I think your e-mail was excellent. Whether or not your consultant listened will become evident as time goes on . . . and no pressure, but I am very curious about those meetings and looking forward to your post about that. :)

[Summer]

It's not easy to act with integrity even when you know that is the way you want to live. And when there are these intense emotions involved, well, that just adds to the difficulty.

The way you and the mister have handled the situation, at every step, is to be commended.

[Katrina]

You know I am happy to be the bad guy any time you need one. *wink* *wink*
Off to the mountains (which are closer to your future location than our current location) soon for some fireworks and Cheerwine!

[Louise]

I'm glad you shared all that with your consultant. Whew!!

[Red Headed Momma]

I hope they won't be at all the meetings in the future! Glad you emailed the consultant, and hope she takes it into consideration in the future.

[Lut C.]

Good that you got that load off your chest, and to the relevant person too.

[Kay/H]

That email was really well done, although I'm just so sorry that it ever had to be written. Hope you had a great time at the wedding :)

[pocket]

What exactly are hush puppies?

[Louise]

What are hush puppies? Surely pocket, you jest!? Lol! It sounds like we all need to take a trip back home with Millie
:-)