Saturday was one of those busy days. The mister has a rule: one "thing" per day. I don't follow that rule but today I"m wishing I did. I had three things planned on Saturday and I did all three, but not sure I did any of them well.
My morning started with a 5k. The theme was "I run for chocolate and champagne" so how could I resist? And it was a fund-raiser for one of my fave local charities that provides awesome services for girls. It was by women, for women so you know it was well organized. I haven't been back to boot camp since the great Whooping Cough Epidemic of 2008 so I figured it would kick my ass.
My ass survived and I had fun: walking along the bay with my dear friend and just enjoying being out.
Then I rushed off to The City for a fun-filled afternoon of parliamentary procedure training. What? Do aren't as turned on by Robert's Rules as I am? Interesting. I do love me so parliamentary procedure. The second half of the training was focused on a newer version that's a bit more flexible and friendly but I'm sure no one is interested in this aspect of my day.
The third thing on my agenda was the monthly support group/educational meeting hosted by our adoption consultant. It's always a long day and a lot of information but yesterday it was painful.
The mister got a ride with another lady in "the service". My plan was to meet him there but a bit later in the day. I am so very sorry now that I wasn't there from the beginning. He had a horrid time and he needed me there.
So what happened? The other couple who NPL is considering were there again (and this month they gave NPL and her mom a ride) and apparently they're feeling more than a bit competitive. My mister went out of his way to be nice to them, to try to let them know this really wasn't a competition and we were totally cool.
They were not cool.
During the "check ins" (which everyone who has ever been to any kind of support group can relate to), Mrs Vulture was incredibly inappropriate. She had already staked her claim on NPL and didn't want anyone else close to her. Apparently during her check in she went on and on about how "healing" it was for her to have been talking to NPL and how they will likely match and how NPL has helped her work through some of her infertility issues and given her a reason to hope again. All while stroking NPL's shoulders or touching her.
I missed this heinously inappropriate display by about 10 minutes. When I got there, I could see the mister was visibly shaken but trying to be cool. When he did his check in, he mentioned how we'd also been talking to NPL and really liked her. That is when I knew The Vultures must have said things they should not have said. If only I'd known what they said.
I heard from a few other people in the group a bit more about what when down. We tried to hang out with some of the other folks during the social time and just keep it light but it was hard. One of the couples we like best announced their engagement! They also told us their website had been getting a lot of hits from a certain southern state. I told them that some friends of mine (who shall remain nameless...CHRIS...had found their site independently and wanted to be adopted by them. We chatted with the NPL and her mom. We made plans to talk wedding stuff with the guys. Then we left and I found out why the mister was so upset.
I was livid in the car on the way home. We chose this consultant because it is incredibly important to us that we have as ethical a domestic adoption as possible. We want no manipulation or coercion of any time. We know the NPL is probably more susceptible than some others to manipulation, especially when she might feel she'd let someone else down. How dare The Vultures say the things they said in front of all those people and the NPL? How can they be so fucking clueless and entitled?
Both the mister and I feel dirty now. Just sullied by the association of this all-too-common type of prospective adoptive parent. We felt let down by our consultant who did nothing to stop these comments or prevent them. The Vultures are not in her service and we feel that some guidelines should have been set. Most of the other couples in her service are not at all like that. I think Mrs Vulture has a lot of work she needs to do with a qualified therapist before she is ready to parent any child, much less a child in an open adoption with a birthmother who has had so much trauma in her own life.
I would have been horrified to see any couple acting like that with any NPL but it was definitely more distressing that it was this particular situation. I told the mister perhaps we should just take our names out of the hat. That's not what we want to do though. That was just my own fear talking and I know we can do this honorably and ethically.
I left the consultant a message last night as soon as we got home. It's probably a very good thing she didn't call back until today. It gave me a chance to calm down a bit and run my concerns past the mister and my dear friend Bebe who was in our shoes a year ago.
I didn't sleep much last night because I was just so worked up and outraged. I wrote a nice, calm email this morning. The consultant called before I could even send it. She started the conversation by wanting to update me with where the NPL is in her decision process but I stopped her.
I think I did a good job of explaining my concerns. The consultant agreed that Mrs Vulture (and her adoption attorney who is pushing every day for NPL to make a decision but that's another post and a good reason to steer clear of adoption attorneys even if they claim to offer support for open adoption) need to be severely chastised.
I have no problem at all with the fact the NPL is still trying to decide. It's a huge decision. Honestly, is there any bigger decision anyone can make? I truly don't think so. I fully support her in whatever decision she makes. I truly hope that she is considering parenting this child and if that is not possible that she chooses the best family for her child and her situation. I do not want to pressure her in any sort of way. I don't want her to experience even the subtlest manipulation/coercion. I recognize that NONE of this is about the mister or me. This is NOT about our healing or our deserving to have a baby or any of that. We are the LAST part of the equation and get the LEAST amount of attention in this process. That is how it should be. If she chooses us, we want it to be because she truly feels that we are the best parents to raise her son.
We could play the whole "we're more ethical than you" card. But, duh, that entirely defeats the purpose. We could be playing the whole "you're older than dirt and don't live in an area with any diversity so what the hell makes you think you can raise an African-American son" card. At least we get the satisfaction of taking the moral high ground, right?
But this is not some game. We will not compromise our morals or our ethical standards. Not one whit. Of course, personally I think that makes us better choices to parent any child but again, it's totally not my decision and not even my right to suggest that. Still trying to be zen but it is getting harder and harder.
But I will never allow the mister to experience the pain he did because of other people's poor behavior. She might be a vulture but I am a lioness and I will not hesitate to take her out if she threatens my pride. Perhaps she needs to spend some time in the bush to see nature at work?
If you read all the way to the end you deserve a gold star. Or at least a cute youtube video. I can't believe the entire world hasn't seen the cute otter video but I shared it with two more friends at brunch this morning. It makes me smile today when not much else does (although a SmartyPants challenge on Facebook or some good karma is always appreciated as well).
Those otters know what Jack Johnson is singing about in my post title. It really is better when we're together. I know that's true: I even have the Flair to prove it.
Our dreams and they are made out of real things.
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my
heart.
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so
hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're
together.
Oh my dear Millie! And poor E for having to gut sucker-punched like that! I want to kick Ms. Old-assed Vulture's ass up on side and down the other! Gah. I am so mad for y'all! What a piece of work...
I know y'all would never EVER stoop to that level and I am so proud of you guys for the approach you took to this situation. Cuz y'all know I'd have pulled out the claws and that b**** would be a walking wound. MEOW!!!!!
Posted by: Katrina | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 16:10
People are messed up. Unfortunately you see this proven almost on a daily basis, and in places you wouldn't think you'd have to see it proven. I can't help but think the Vulture is not doing herself any favors by acting like the buzzard she is. My thoughts are with you guys.
Posted by: Donna | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 17:18
I don't even know where to start with the vulture family. I can't imagine wanting to manipulate someone in NPL's situation.
As for the otter video - OMG!! I had not seen that before and I totally love otters. TOO CUTE!
Posted by: Heather | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 17:26
What a nightmare- I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It still doesn't seem that the adoption consultant was appropriately apologetic. She should have cut that behavior off immediately and she should be talking to NPL about not allowing anyone to pressure her or make her feel they "deserve" her baby. As for Vulture Lady, what an asshat!
Posted by: Clover | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 18:27
Ugh. Very creepy behavior. I really wonder about people like that. I mean, how can a person have such a fundamental lack of empathy for what NPL is going through right now?
I'm sorry the NPL is being subjected to that crap.
Posted by: PBfish | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 19:18
If NPL is as bright as you think she is, she probably picked up a few vibes. I'm sorry you had that experience, and I'm sorry it has caused you pain. It's always better to be the moral giants, even when you want to mow the mother f*ckers to the ground.
Posted by: hangin'in | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 20:04
To me the Vultures don't seem clueless -- they seem to know just what to say that will exert the most coercion. And that is just abominable. I'm so sorry that the Mister had to sit there for that awful show, and I'm glad that you let the consultant know that you aren't okay with it.
Love love love the otters, especially when they come back together again. And so curious about the kinder, gentler Roberts Rules (although I may be the only one!).
Posted by: Kay/H | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 20:45
I am so fucking pissed off right now after reading this entry
you and the mister are AMAZING and dont deserve this manipulative bullshit
this is sickening
much love to you
Posted by: Julianna | Sunday, 01 June 2008 at 21:07
Hmmm, were you speaking to my two daddies? Because I waited all day for them to come get me on Sunday but they didn't show up. Tell them I'm still available for shopping trips and dinners out. Also, I want a pony.
The vultures suck. But I think NPL knows that probably.
Posted by: chris | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 04:39
oh, millie. i'm so sorry the vultures were so horrible and unethical (and unfair). i'm glad you spoke to the consultant...i hope she helps.
Posted by: elana | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 05:16
How could the vultures even look at themselves in the mirror after that? Talk about drama queen.
I wouldn't even know what to say to the consultant w/o losing my head.
Posted by: DD | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 09:33
My dear friend, I completely understand why you are so outraged. Mrs. Vulture is just another example of the all too prevalent person whose universe ends at the tip of her nose. Her behavior was egocentric and disdainful of the NPL's personhood. I absolutely concur.
But, my protective lioness pal, whether we are talking about your husband or the NPL, both are adults who need to be able to deal with their feelings after such a display without you or anyone else rescuing them. Supporting them, yes. Rescuing them, no.
And as much as you want any adoption you enter into to be ethical and free of manipulation or feelings of coercion, no facilitator or agency can totally control the behavior of people like the vultures, especially when contact is occurring without the facilitator's being present. Conceivably there has been much of this inappropriate behavior going on during the NPL's visits with the Vulture couple. The important thing is for *her* to recognize and manage whatever she is feeling about these behaviors. And if she *is* allowing herself to be manipulated, then this is her right and choice as an adult, no matter how wrongheaded we may find it.
The hardest thing for me during that prebirth time with J was to stop being protective of her. You know that I can turn your lioness into a kitty cat when my protective behaviors get going. I just wanted to make everything as easy as possible for her since I knew that her adoption plan, were she to go through with it, would be one of the hardest things she would ever do. I tried to take on anyone who gave her a hard time in any way. Yet, as I have told you before, it took J to finally tell me that my being protective was making her feel like a kid. I had to back off and return to treating her like the then 23 year old adult that she was. And it was hard. She deserved someone taking her under her wing and making things easy for her for once! But I ended up listening to J and not my brain.
So maybe you could just touch base with the NPL and see if the Vulture woman's display made her feel any kind of way. You and I both have the skill to be able to ask without really asking. And you can frame any dialogue you have with the message that a) this decision is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) she will ever make in her life; b) she should only do what feels right to her head, heart, and gut; and c) people who are disappointed WILL GET OVER IT. She owes nothing to anyone but herself and her son.
But whether she bends to manipulation or not, the choice is hers. There will always be Vultures in the world, I'm afraid.
Posted by: | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 10:41
Taking a deep breath and so frustrated for you. I can't say anything more because I am trying to be nice and fair like you are being and I think I would have wanted to punch Mrs. Vulture in the gut and THEN give her the name of a good psychiatrist. Oh, but I wasn't going to say anything more...
Posted by: Amyesq | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 10:49
Slimy! I hate them on your behalf! Just reprehensible.
Deep breaths. Bake delicious things. Keep on doing the right thing, and hopefully this will work.
Posted by: PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger) | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 11:24
Wow, Millie, I am so sorry to hear about the vultures. I just hope you and the mister can make it through all this without being subjected to any more from the likes of them.
Posted by: zhl | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 12:23
I can only hope that by displaying their manipulative behavior so blatantly NPL and her mom saw it for what it was and NPL decides that it is not the kind of emotional environment she wants her child to grow up in.
On a different note. The otter video is hilarious and so, so sweet. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Summer | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 13:17
Wow, how manipulative. I'm shocked Mrs. V would actually put that overt manipulation on display for the entire group to see.
Posted by: Sue/Holding Pattern | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 14:01
I hope NPL is a good judge of character. This is open adoption after all, this decision is not a one-off.
Posted by: Lut C. | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 14:05
All I can say is, sounds like you are sticking to your ethics, and no matter what happens, you will have no regrets because of that. Hopefully, the NPL will see through the Vultures' tactics (or desperation?) and will follow her heart ... straight to you and the Mister.
Posted by: kristylynne | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 15:43
Oh dear, firefox freaked out when I tried to post a comment, but I will try and piece it together again.
First, I wanted to tell you how much I'm learning from you during this process. You are so smart and strong and thoughtful; I have so much admiration for the way that you and the Mister are navigating this process.
Second, I'm sorry that your sweet Mister was so shaken by that hideous woman, Mrs Vulture. I understand the protective lion instinct -- I have that with my pride, too.
Last, but definitely not least, I am horrified that NPL was put into that position by Mrs Vulture-Hag (didn't you know her last name is hyphenated?). Mrs V-H showed such a profound lack of respect for NPL and her family; she was manipulative, condescending... I could go on, but you already know all of this. Suffice it to say that I can understand your anger.
I'm sorry that such a complex situation has been made even more complicated by this woman who does need to work on her issues; adoption is not a 'cure' for infertility. That said, I have confidence that you and the Mister can navigate all of this in the most ethical, open-hearted and healthiest way possible.
I'm thinking of you two and sending you much love.
Posted by: anna h. | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 16:44
Oh, you poor thing. Just keep your head up and keep going. NPL will sense that. I hope! I'm with you.
Posted by: Kay | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 17:31
Wow, I am also just shaking in anger after reading this. And surprisingly, I feel most angry with your consultant for creating this situation to begin with. Why in the world is there an adoption support group where expectant moms are networking with potential adoptive parents? I just don't see that as a good thing for anyone. I think I know who your consultant is, and I am surprised that she is involved in meetings like that. The 1;1 stuff I see as okay, but the group thing just seems odd to me.
You and the mister are lovely and so wanting to do the right thing, but unfortunately that is a rare thing in adoption land, I think.
on a cheerier note, I think NPL is a smart lady, and I think she will see through Vulture-person, BUT, it is totally unfair for her to have been placed in that situation in the first place.
Sending you a huge hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Louise | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 18:37
I agree that the whole meeting idea sounds really strange. What good can come out of group socialization where potential parents that are being selected between are there? I mean, maybe just adoptive parents or just potential birthmothers, but I don't see any upside to mixing them while decisions are being made.
In any case, I am sorry for the situation you were put in -- will you have to do this with every potential birthmom you are being considered by? Gack.
Personally, I think that NPL should be left alone to make her own choice -- on her timeframe and without more input unless she requests it. I really hope for all concerned that things can cool off and a decision can be made without further need for all of you to "socialize."
Posted by: MichelleL | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 20:46
I can barely breathe, your post was so upsetting. I'm so sorry the Mr. had to witness that and that it happened at all. I'm kind of curious as well, where was the consultant? Boundaries, anyone ?
You, of course, handled it magnificently. That's one of the (many) reasons I love your blog - I keep finding out how to be more of a grown up. An amazingly ethical grown up.
Love to you and the Mr. -
Tracey
Posted by: tracey | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 21:06
And one more thing. Not everyone has seen the cute otter video. Thanks for making my day.
T.
Posted by: tracey | Monday, 02 June 2008 at 21:09
Aw, honey.
Hang in there. You're doing all the right things.
xoxo
JennaM
Posted by: JennaM | Tuesday, 03 June 2008 at 15:22
OMG MM (Modern Millie)... I am saddened that you and your Mister had to go through this. Hopefully as other PP have mentioned, NPL will clue in to the Vulture family's entirely inappropriate behavior and realize that putting the baby's best interest at heart means you and the Mister as the best parenting choice.
I am praying hard for you both.
xo, Francine
Posted by: Francine | Tuesday, 03 June 2008 at 22:28
that's the great thing about blogging. you can come in here and call them the vultures, feel better by calling them names, and then take the high road in real life.
Posted by: daisy mae | Wednesday, 04 June 2008 at 15:32
I think maybe next time you should pee on the NPL, just to mark your territory. Seriously. Uggh.
Posted by: Jen | Thursday, 05 June 2008 at 11:17
How incredibly frustrating. How base and low can people be (the vultures). I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of what is already a complex and difficult situation.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Emily | Thursday, 05 June 2008 at 14:12