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Friday, 13 June 2008


What? No mention of Burger Boy? Awwwww man! Was so looking forward to the nicknames!

So glad we could help entertain you and sorry we kept you up so late. Told ya we're a crazy bunch! It was wonderful seeing you and the whole gang just loved ya!

Here's hoping you come as close to that ideal as possible.


I am so very sorry that NPL was not the match for you, but I think your list is a really good one.

I have no doubt that you are going to find the right fit, and you will sleep better at night knowing you did all you could to make the process as transparent and loving and conscientious as possible. I just hope it happens for you soon!

I wish your journey was closer to the happy ending, but I do have to say I just love your approach to this. You have obviously put so very much thought and heart into it all, it kills me that the obnoxious-and-lacking-ethics couple lured NPL in. Your list looks pretty thorough to me, but I'll be curious to see if anyone has more relevant input.

I am glad that you had some fun things to distract you.

I'm happy that you got out of town and indulged yourself at the Bellagio's spa, and let yourself be a part of that infectious new to Vegas vibe. I used to hate the smoke, and all of the showers and laundry that it meant, but there is fun to be had if you can let yourself "go there" mentally. I know that sometimes, I'm so wrapped up in the "ugh" of things that I miss the "yay!" in it. Newbies are wonderful for helping to see all of the chances we have in life for "yay!" if we look.

You've had a hell of a time, and it will take time to heal, but I *love* that you've bulleted a list of things that you'd prefer. I'd never thought about geographical location/proximity, but damn if that isn't a terrific thought. I mean, if you have the chance to have it be a place that you feel positive about and want to visit, it sure makes it easier when life gets in a whirl. (A chance for a "yay!" trip, rather than an obligation for an "ugh" trip.)

I think the only thing that I might add, if it were me, is that I'd like to minimize the drama in the birth families. I mean adoption has its own many tentacled things, and it would be so nice to have that be the essence of it. No controlling parents, no medling aunts, or grandparents - that kind of thing. It would be so wonderful to know that the birth parents didn't have a life that was worrisome to return to while trying to work through their own feelings. That would be my wish. A supportive, happy existence in the framework of an open adoption.

I really feel your pain, and I wish you a move to lightness of being as soon as your heart is ready.

My list would also include that the expectant mother has other living children she is currently parenting. Also that the expectant mother is closer to my age than the baby's age. But perhaps that is too pie-in-the-sky?

So glad that you had a chance to have a Calgon moment at the spa. Sending you and the mister a big hug. xx

P.S. I would also like to be closer in age to the expectant mother than to the expectant mother's mother.

Don't ask me about open anything. I live in a country that still things absolutely anonymous donorship of gametes is the preferred way to go. Seriously, they made a law about it just last year!?
The Children's Human Rights advisory committee said it was wrong, but no one cared to listen.

I've been thinking whether I could be an egg donor, but complete anonymity is a deal-breaker.

Oh sweet M, I have been thinking of you all week long. I really really wanted this for you....Cheering you on.

I think your list includes all the biggies. For me the most important was a strong reason for the birthparents NOT to be parenting. It was helpful to me personally that it was not merely a money issue (although I completely understand that this could be a very valid reason, money issues can be transient and adoption is permanent -- making it much more likely that there will be major regrets on the part of the birthparents later, something my "perfect" situation would definitely avoid). Although I definitely did not adopt solely in order to help another family with a difficult problem, my ideal situation (and my actual adoption) does have an aspect of this as part of it. There are other aspects of our adoption that were less than ideal, but this part of it did help to balance out the more difficult issues.

Also, if good prenatal care means no drug or alcohol, then I agree. Our DD's birthmom had essentially no prenatal care, which wasn't helpful but she also denied any use of drugs or alcohol and I believe it. I would much prefer no drugs or alcohol than prenatal care with those things . . .

Will keep checking back to see how things are going. And thanks for the mention. :)

I'm not thinking this through...but have been doing some thinking about DE. Just wanted to lend some support. I like the idea of writing it all down. Perhaps even prioritizing things.

So sorry for the struggles. I too hope you guys get everything on your list in a match and more.

Back again to check on you! Please update whenever you can. So many of us are thinking of you and cheering you and the Mister on.

coming to check on you also. I hope you are doing ok today. I know each day has a different emotion trough this journey so I lens a shoulder to you if you need it.

as far as your list. If you do agree on a open adoption, verbally discuss the intent you have as to how much details are put in your letters with pictures to the birth parents. I always feel as though I am telling her too much and it might hurt J's birthmother when reading these such letters from DH and I. ANd how often does she wish to receive them. Discuss how you will handle holidays/birthdays... calls? letters? pictures? etc.. (this counts too if your future baby will have birthsiblings.... will they need to be included in the list of cards for birthdays? ) Does this all make sense?

I say this all because with an open adoption we have with J's birthmother, we did discuss most of this up front before the placement. I wanted to know her comfort levels so I don't offend her with letters or pictures we send. Also, we live about 20 minutes away from each other and we discussed what happens when we are out on a "meet in person" evening with her, what if friends or family show up unannounced.. how to handle that!

Email me if you want to chat about the other "ground rules" we verbally set up as our agency suggested since lots are not set in stone / writing.

Cyber thoughts for you.

I'd doing lots of catch up reading with the blogs. Your wish list sounds really good and sensible.

This is a great list. I'm sorry for your recent disappointment. It's so hard, isn't it?

For me, it was important that the expectant mom was likeable. I just wanted someone that I liked. I know that sounds shallow, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling it.

this looks like a great list. I like tubeless' suggestions about clarifying those details up front. and lori's addition is also interesting because with open adoption you definitely want to feel that connection with someone. I look forward to your future posts on this. thanks for sharing this.

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