Still Hangin On

Ok so it's been a much harder week than I predicted. I knew the mister and I would be a bit down but I thought we'd both bounce back pretty quickly. We are bouncing back don't get me wrong but I've realized how much I was counting on this situation to work out and am very disappointed that it didn't.

I have had many good distractions this past week and that has helped tremendously. Last Friday was full of pizza and Firefly (kudos to Oro for knowing her sci-fi tv...perhaps we share an affection for the oh-so-yummy captain?). Saturday was yet another long volunteer-oriented day for me but it was actually very fun and inspiring and all that stuff it should be.

A little digression: please help me in welcoming a new blogger to our fold, the lovely IVF Diva of the new blog IVF Drama. She's a vet, through and through, and I'm hoping her current cycle is lucky #4. We're in the same volunteer group and share a love of those Real Housewives, when we aren't talking needles and drugs. So go say hi and welcome her to the blogosphere.

After a long hard day of saving the world in my pumps and pearls, I cooked a lovely dinner for Initial Girl and Sandal Boy. Oh it was so very very nice to have them visit. We did lots of eating and talking but not enough bridge playing. Guess we'll have to take a trip up to the Seattle to see them (and the very sweet Emily who we all miss so much and who sends the best cards when a girl needs them the most and perhaps the lovely Michelle as well).

Sunday I jetted off to Vegas to hang with Katrina and her high school buddies. They were kind enough to let me horn in on their fun. I must admit that Vegas is not my kind of town. First, it's just way too smokey. I live in a state that is practically cigarette free so the casinos do me in. BUT a half day at the Bellagio spa was just what the doctor ordered and it was very cool to hang with Vegas Virgins who had a lot of fun whatever we were doing. That part was infectious. I am sure it will ruin my reputation but I can not stay out late and drink like my younger, wilder days so I don't have wild with which to regale you.

Tuesday was straight back to work although I managed to work from home three days this week. It's been nice hanging out at home even though it's a bit melancholy. I told the folks at work that the NPL situation didn't work out since they needed to know for planning purposes.

Did I mention that one of the guys I work most closely with is going to become a first time dad in the next couple of weeks? Yah, that makes this so much easier. (not) Luckily I missed their shower thanks to my volunteer commitment.

Ok. This is turning out to be quite a bit whinier than I planned. Time to turn this post around.

Please know that all of your comments mean the world to me and the mister. Truly. I owe so many of you responses and am continually awed by your kindness and support. I also have lots of posts swirling around in my head and I do have things of more substance to write about in the coming days.

Here's a taste: I promise to talk about the monthly meetings and why I actually do think it's a good idea to have expectant parents and prospective adoptive parents together. How our situation was so unusual. How we'll never let that happen again. The jonesing I'm getting for another donor cycle or so while we wait. Next steps with adoption (or how to get a friend to build a website).

But I think I want to end this post with a list of things that are important to me for a match situation, many of which were not part of this last situation. While this last situation would have been nice for a number of reasons it was far from our "perfect situation". I know I got all caught up in the drama and my affection for NPL but if I'm being completely honest it was not a perfect situation. We were very concerned that the only info we'd have on the birthdad would be a first name and a city. I know there are situations like that but one compelling reason we want to do open domestic adoption is that our children could have as much information as possible. I know there is no real perfect situation but if I'm making a wish list here's what I'd want on that list:

• Involvement of both expectant birthmother and birthfather
• Medical histories on both sides
• Good prenatal care, or at least some from somewhat early on
• Chance to have both sides (including other relatives) involved in open adoption
• If that's not possible, then at least as much info to give our kid as possible
• Shared experiences/values
• Both sides working with therapist with good knowledge of adoption issues
• Strong reason for expectant parents/families not to parent
• Birth families live somewhere that we'd like to spend a lot of time (I know this one might sound superficial but what I'm getting at is if they aren't close to where we live now, our perfect match might be one of our home states or somewhere we already visit or would love to visit because I'd hope we'd spend time there regularly and would hope they'd want to visit us as well)

What else should I add to my list? If you were thinking about your perfect match or situation, what would be important to you? If you've been through this, what mattered or what ended up not mattering to you? Don't be shy.

Comments

[Katrina]

What? No mention of Burger Boy? Awwwww man! Was so looking forward to the nicknames!

So glad we could help entertain you and sorry we kept you up so late. Told ya we're a crazy bunch! It was wonderful seeing you and the whole gang just loved ya!

[Bea]

Here's hoping you come as close to that ideal as possible.

Bea

[Jen]

I am so very sorry that NPL was not the match for you, but I think your list is a really good one.

I have no doubt that you are going to find the right fit, and you will sleep better at night knowing you did all you could to make the process as transparent and loving and conscientious as possible. I just hope it happens for you soon!

[Tonya]

I wish your journey was closer to the happy ending, but I do have to say I just love your approach to this. You have obviously put so very much thought and heart into it all, it kills me that the obnoxious-and-lacking-ethics couple lured NPL in. Your list looks pretty thorough to me, but I'll be curious to see if anyone has more relevant input.

I am glad that you had some fun things to distract you.

[Boulder]

I'm happy that you got out of town and indulged yourself at the Bellagio's spa, and let yourself be a part of that infectious new to Vegas vibe. I used to hate the smoke, and all of the showers and laundry that it meant, but there is fun to be had if you can let yourself "go there" mentally. I know that sometimes, I'm so wrapped up in the "ugh" of things that I miss the "yay!" in it. Newbies are wonderful for helping to see all of the chances we have in life for "yay!" if we look.

You've had a hell of a time, and it will take time to heal, but I *love* that you've bulleted a list of things that you'd prefer. I'd never thought about geographical location/proximity, but damn if that isn't a terrific thought. I mean, if you have the chance to have it be a place that you feel positive about and want to visit, it sure makes it easier when life gets in a whirl. (A chance for a "yay!" trip, rather than an obligation for an "ugh" trip.)

I think the only thing that I might add, if it were me, is that I'd like to minimize the drama in the birth families. I mean adoption has its own many tentacled things, and it would be so nice to have that be the essence of it. No controlling parents, no medling aunts, or grandparents - that kind of thing. It would be so wonderful to know that the birth parents didn't have a life that was worrisome to return to while trying to work through their own feelings. That would be my wish. A supportive, happy existence in the framework of an open adoption.

I really feel your pain, and I wish you a move to lightness of being as soon as your heart is ready.

[Kay/H]

My list would also include that the expectant mother has other living children she is currently parenting. Also that the expectant mother is closer to my age than the baby's age. But perhaps that is too pie-in-the-sky?

So glad that you had a chance to have a Calgon moment at the spa. Sending you and the mister a big hug. xx

[Kay/H]

P.S. I would also like to be closer in age to the expectant mother than to the expectant mother's mother.

[Lut C.]

Don't ask me about open anything. I live in a country that still things absolutely anonymous donorship of gametes is the preferred way to go. Seriously, they made a law about it just last year!?
The Children's Human Rights advisory committee said it was wrong, but no one cared to listen.

I've been thinking whether I could be an egg donor, but complete anonymity is a deal-breaker.

[Louise]

Oh sweet M, I have been thinking of you all week long. I really really wanted this for you....Cheering you on.

[MichelleL]

I think your list includes all the biggies. For me the most important was a strong reason for the birthparents NOT to be parenting. It was helpful to me personally that it was not merely a money issue (although I completely understand that this could be a very valid reason, money issues can be transient and adoption is permanent -- making it much more likely that there will be major regrets on the part of the birthparents later, something my "perfect" situation would definitely avoid). Although I definitely did not adopt solely in order to help another family with a difficult problem, my ideal situation (and my actual adoption) does have an aspect of this as part of it. There are other aspects of our adoption that were less than ideal, but this part of it did help to balance out the more difficult issues.

Also, if good prenatal care means no drug or alcohol, then I agree. Our DD's birthmom had essentially no prenatal care, which wasn't helpful but she also denied any use of drugs or alcohol and I believe it. I would much prefer no drugs or alcohol than prenatal care with those things . . .

Will keep checking back to see how things are going. And thanks for the mention. :)

[amber]

I'm not thinking this through...but have been doing some thinking about DE. Just wanted to lend some support. I like the idea of writing it all down. Perhaps even prioritizing things.

[Red Headed Momma]

So sorry for the struggles. I too hope you guys get everything on your list in a match and more.

[Louise]

Back again to check on you! Please update whenever you can. So many of us are thinking of you and cheering you and the Mister on.

[tubeless]

coming to check on you also. I hope you are doing ok today. I know each day has a different emotion trough this journey so I lens a shoulder to you if you need it.

as far as your list. If you do agree on a open adoption, verbally discuss the intent you have as to how much details are put in your letters with pictures to the birth parents. I always feel as though I am telling her too much and it might hurt J's birthmother when reading these such letters from DH and I. ANd how often does she wish to receive them. Discuss how you will handle holidays/birthdays... calls? letters? pictures? etc.. (this counts too if your future baby will have birthsiblings.... will they need to be included in the list of cards for birthdays? ) Does this all make sense?

I say this all because with an open adoption we have with J's birthmother, we did discuss most of this up front before the placement. I wanted to know her comfort levels so I don't offend her with letters or pictures we send. Also, we live about 20 minutes away from each other and we discussed what happens when we are out on a "meet in person" evening with her, what if friends or family show up unannounced.. how to handle that!

Email me if you want to chat about the other "ground rules" we verbally set up as our agency suggested since lots are not set in stone / writing.

Cyber thoughts for you.

[Em]

I'd doing lots of catch up reading with the blogs. Your wish list sounds really good and sensible.

[Lori]

This is a great list. I'm sorry for your recent disappointment. It's so hard, isn't it?

For me, it was important that the expectant mom was likeable. I just wanted someone that I liked. I know that sounds shallow, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling it.

[luna]

this looks like a great list. I like tubeless' suggestions about clarifying those details up front. and lori's addition is also interesting because with open adoption you definitely want to feel that connection with someone. I look forward to your future posts on this. thanks for sharing this.