The mister's parents are coming to visit in a for short days, for a few very long days. They informed us of this visit back in November. See, first they told us they were coming to California for Christmas. Our response? Great, now we won't have to find pet sitters.
Yeah, you can guess how well that went over. So their Plan B was to come out for the first holiday weekend of the new year. Regardless of how that fit our schedule.
In light of recent events (see the whole homestudy approved thing from some other post) and the impending visit, we decided it was time to tell our folks we were thinking of adoption.
So we spent a couple of hours yesterday drafting a very long email. The mister kept complaining about how many words were involved. Well, he complained until I asked him if he'd rather use all those words (and more) on the phone. With numerous phone calls. He saw my point.
We sent said email to our parents, siblings, siblings-in-law and our niece and nephew (well, really just the older set of twins because the younger ones can't read yet). It might seem like we took the 'fraidy cat way out by announcing it all in an email. In our defense, we wanted to tell everyone at the same time and give some good information so folks could do a bit of research/reading/etc.
We pressed send, decided not to answer the phone and I left immediately for a mani-pedi and the mister took the dogs for a walk.
So far the phone has not rang. We're both a bit surprised by that.
We were also floored by the first response. From the BIL I don't like so much. It was perfect: supportive, caring and excited. Go figure! Then we got a nice but kooky email from the evil SIL. A warm response from my other BIL. A measured and a bit scary response from the mister's parents (the scary part is about how we'll have soooooooo much to talk about during their visit).
And from my folks? Not one word.
To be fair, my sister (and likely her husband) knew of our thoughts and progress on adoption. My parents have been encouraging us to think about it for a while but I think they'd like to see us join the China queue. My elderly aunt (whom I adore and who will be the namesake for any girl children) cornered the mister when he was saying good-bye over the holidays and said "I don't know if you've thought about adoption but you know you could. We just want to see you guys parents."
We bought two copies of Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know by Patricia Irwin Johnston. We'll give our copy to the mister's parents when they're here. The one to my folks has a little note saying it's mostly for my in-laws, but we didn't want to single them out.
This book was written for parents (and other family members/friends) of people adopting and has a lot of great information about what to say and what not to say. It even acknowledges that they've probably said many of the "don'ts" already and has very practical advise. I strongly resisted the urge not to underline parts of our copy.
I even resisted the urge to type up an addendum stating how bad it was to not treat grandchildren who don't share your last name equally with the ones who do (see previous posts about No College Funds for You Grandkids with Your Mom's Last Name). Aren't I behaving well?
We really are excited to be moving forward and we're hoping our families will be as well. For anyone thinking of sending similar emails (or anyone with a morbid curiosity of how we approached it), I'm happy to share ours with you.
Now back to drafting that profile.
I thought it was a perfect email.
And you know how excited I am for y'all. Even in the whole famned damily isn't, I can be enough for the whole lot!
I think your profile should point out how totally groovy you two are, and how you instinctively match your clothes to the hosts' decor. ;o)
Posted by: Katrina | Monday, 14 January 2008 at 19:13
I know I must sound like a broken record, but I really am so excited for you (regarding the adoption progress, not the family crap). I always have to take a big, deep cleansing breath when I think about the family stuff... I just wonder why does it have to be so HARD with some family members? (We have some of that over here, too. I just can't blog about it. ;-) )
Can't wait to hear more! And I hope the impending visit is better than painful.
Posted by: Tonya | Monday, 14 January 2008 at 20:01
Good luck with the in-laws. Ah, the joys of telling news to families. Really glad you've got them a manual of what to say. I guess you can borrow their books back and start underlining things as necessary?
Bea
Posted by: Bea | Monday, 14 January 2008 at 20:34
Well I'm glad you got one decent response, that's more than perhaps you might have expected?
Posted by: thalia | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 03:31
Glad you sent word of your plans.
Gives everyone time to digest the good news.
And I cannot wait to hear the summary of the in-laws' visit!!!!
Posted by: Louise | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 06:13
I can't wait to hear about their visit. I too think it was a good idea to give them some time to mull this over beforehand.
Posted by: Mary Ellen | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 06:52
Hey I'm so glad the BILs & SILs surprised you with their support. Maybe FIL & MIL will too?
Posted by: Leggy/Clover | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 07:50
I'll be joining you in in-law hell this weekend. We're flying to Portland to see the in-laws. sigh.
I'm so glad you've gotten good responses to your email. Very excited about your adoption plans!!
Posted by: PBfish | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 09:11
I'll be joining you in in-law hell this weekend. We're flying to Portland to see the in-laws. sigh.
I'm so glad you've gotten good responses to your email. Very excited about your adoption plans!!
Posted by: PBfish | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 09:11
oops. sorry about the double comment. ;)
Posted by: PBfish | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 09:12
I love it. Love it that you guys are being so proactive ....and that most of you family have been supportive. As far as Mr/Mrs. In-law....do what you can and don't take anything they say too seriously.
Posted by: Amber | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 09:41
Hey, I don't blame you for wanting to be as far away as possible when that bomb dropped! But I will say that the e-mail salvo was my dear Mother's device of choice as well. Hmmm...
PS: You've been reading the same books (to the right) for years now! Are you a slow reader? :-)
Posted by: Teendoc | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 11:02
Well done with the email, which I frankly think is brave, and definitely not the easy way out. And the book is the perfect addition. Who knows whether they'll read it or not, but, you know.
Posted by: PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger) | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 11:50
Email good. Very courageous of you, especially if keeps you from, y'know, renting weaponry and going to. I hope the 'rents keep their asshattery to themselves.
Posted by: Orodemniades | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 12:11
It's sad that parents can't always act...er, parent-like and just verge on perfection occasionally by saying and doing the right things at times like these.
Good luck with the visit!
Posted by: MsPrufrock | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 14:11
Wonderful! Must be a small weight off your shoulders to have it all out there.
Best of luck on drafting the profile.
Also, can I hug the elderly aunt? She sounds like a treasure.
--Bugs
Posted by: Dead Bug | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 14:18
unexpected support and excitement? that's a good, good thing.
so glad you're moving forward!
xxoo
Posted by: anna h. | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 14:43
Good for you, dear Millie! I think sending an e-mail with that information is a great idea -- it prevents that knee-jerk "I have to say the first thing that comes into my head, no matter how asinine it sounds" response and gives people some food for thought. And I'm so glad you got some positive surprises back. People are sometimes more decent than we give them credit for. Sometimes... :)
Posted by: Kath | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 15:06
I think your email plan was awesome - I wonder if your family members have any clue of how much you considered their feelings (ok, maybe not some of the IL's crazy feelings) and how much you are working to prepare them for your family expansion? I am sure not, but it is really great. So very, very happy for you.
Posted by: Jan1902 | Tuesday, 15 January 2008 at 16:05
I'm so excited!
I have to guess that your parents are overwhelmed with emotions and not sure how to let you know their thoughts in the right way. They love you so much and respect all your choices because you make good decisions.
Posted by: pocket | Wednesday, 16 January 2008 at 11:35
That is a great book to give to your family. Hopefully they will actually read it and learn from it. The fact that it's fairly short should be a plus ;)
Good luck on your profile!
Posted by: Kay/Hanazono | Wednesday, 16 January 2008 at 15:35
I think e-mailing everyone at once is fabulous, that way no one can complain about being the last to know!
And congratulations and good luck moving forward!
Posted by: Jen | Wednesday, 16 January 2008 at 20:19