Waiting for Daisy

This was my first time joining the book club and I quite enjoyed it. I had been wanting to read Waiting for Daisy since it first came out but frankly wasn't sure I'd be all that into it, what with the "happy ending" and all. Now don't get me wrong, I love a happy ending as much as the next gal but all the reviews I read emphasized her struggle and how she was able to have her "own" child. Since this seemed a bit pat, and seemed to play into so many of those myths about infertility that we deal with on a day to day basis, you can imagine how I dreaded that part.

Unlike many of the members of the book-club, Peggy is local to me. I figured I could at least have fun figuring out the identities of various doctors and practitioners in the book. I'll confess to loving blind items in gossip columns and blogs and what could be better than infertility blind items?

That is still one of my fave parts of the book. I've discussed it with a number of local folks and I found I was far from the only one playing this particular game. Peggy even had me feeling better about what I perceived as my own lack of originality in coining pseudonyms. And, fwiw, Peggy and I seem to share some feelings about some of the folks that she named (and didn't name).

Onto the questions.

Peggy relied on a few things to comfort and give her a sense of security while pregnant or after miscarrying.  Did you find that you also had a token, or good luck  charm, or item you used to help you recover from loss or a failed cycle?

Well, that's changed for me through the years. I've been at this game for nearly five years, can you believe that? Most recently I have a lovely dragonfly necklace that I bought in South Africa. I found it on my first day there on my second trip when I was doing a donor egg frozen embryo transfer.

I was meeting the amazing Roni (and her man) for lunch but I found the most beautiful tiny, tanzanite dragonfly in my spare time. I've had an obsession with dragonflies for years and had wanted to get something made of tanzanite on my first trip to SA. I found out it was a fertility symbol so I just had to have it. The tail even moves! I wore it a lot that trip and throughout the pain and loss that followed (my second ectopic pregnancy, for new readers). It really did become my touchstone, I'd finger it and remind myself that we would become parents one way or another. I packed it away late last year when we prepped our bedroom for painting.

Remembering all this makes me want to unpack the box so I can have it with me for transfer next week. As I prepare for another cycle after what turned into such a long break I really want to have something to remind me of South Africa, as corny as that might sound. I'm sure flying half-way around the world and cycling alone sounds strange to most people. To me it was incredibly easy and comforting; I made such good friends on that trip and got such amazing care from the lovely Dr Champagne and Sister at the clinic that it can only be a good thing to have some of that energy with me now.

Peggy struggles through the book with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you and your partner to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you right now if you are still trying to have a child ?

Well, I think I come to this whole genetic question from a very different perspective than most infertiles. I was an egg donor years ago, way back in the early days of egg donors, when we all did it for altruistic reasons. I know there are still many, many donors who do that and Peggy's certainly was one of them but it has become such an industry here.

When the mister and I decided to move on to donor gametes we went through the various losses just like most people do. We were, however, very clear from the beginning that being  parents was the goal not just getting pregnant. I often liken it to how I felt about our wedding and marriage. So many people seem to focus on the wedding day, planning for it obsessively, worrying about things that may go wrong, questioning and even perhaps regretting their decisions.  When it was our wedding, we were truly focused on the marriage and the big picture, which put everything else into perspective. A wedding is just one day, a marriage is a lifetime, right? (at least we all hope that when we're walking down the aisle).

It was probably easier for us to move on to donor gametes because of our last cycle with my eggs which ended pretty badly (I stimmed for 17 days and only produced one crazy-assed pathogenetic egg).

Now we're pursuing both embryo donation and open domestic adoption. We get some questions about that and neither camp seems to fully understand our decisions. I guess folks need us to commit one way or another. We are committed: to building our family through whatever means work  for us.

Two ectopic pregnancies have made me fearful of pregnancy, not longing it. Two ectopic pregnancies have scared and scarred the mister in ways that neither of us like.

On the bottom of page 62, Peggy muses that she thought Steven was getting her pregnant. If you're undergoing treatments, who do you think gets the person pregnant? The owner of the other gametes (whether they're your partner or donor sperm/egg)? The RE?

Ha. If only someone, anyone "got" me pregnant. Right now I think that everyone that works with us has a role, the doctors, nurses, Dr Champagne, our donors, all my friends in the computer, our IF support group, our social worker, the FedEx guy, everyone. Maybe especially the FedEx guy. Oooh. and Howie with that lovely accent and kind voice. Definitely Howie.

As the only "man-pie" in this round of the Book Tour, I feel obliged to ask a question regarding the role Peggy's husband Steven plays in her story. There are times when he says things to the effect of "Get over it," and expresses the wish to return their marriage from the uni-dimensional land of Infertility. It is cliche to say that infertility places strain on a marriage, but it was fascinating for me to observe this outside my own marriage in such detail and with such honesty. Did I ever tell my wife to "just roll with it"? No. (Although I am sure in the guise of "helping my wife heal" I said equally unhelpful things.) Did I wish she would just roll with it so we wouldn't be constantly reminded of our misery? Yes. Did I intellectually grasp why that was impossible? Yes, but I don't think I comprehended it on multiple levels until I read Waiting For Daisy. What was driven home to me was how for men and women, infertility is a parallel journey with many mutually exclusive experiences -- it all happens in her body, all very theoretical for me. My powers of empathy are great, but not limitless. I could go on with my own theories of what that leads to but I'm curious: How typical were Steven's responses to your own partner's? Can you ask him? (Apologies for the hetero-centric nature of the question.)

I thought I'd take a stab at this question before brining in the mister. We got married because we were ready to start a family. We have both wanted that from forever. We have always been on the same page regarding everything ttc and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

I have to say is that while it is a parallel journey in many respects, I wish it was only theoretical for the mister. I remember being in that hotel room in Garden State when he had to give me the first progesterone shot. He was so very very afraid of hurting me. He nearly fainted. I tear up thinking about him alone in the ER waiting room in the middle of the night during that first ectopic. It's not hyperbole to say that everything truly changed that night.

We were seasoned pros with the second ectopic but the long weeks of limbo took their hold on us. We hunkered down and did what we needed to do to survive. We constantly told each other we'd get through it and we'd be parents. We knew just what to do at the ER the second time but it only saddened us that we were such pros.

We've both become open about our struggles and open to helping friends with their struggles. We have had too many friends suffer ectopic pregnancies and that horrible, horrible cervical pregnancy but being there for our friends has helped us heal a tiny bit. As cliched as it sounds we have become even closer and it has strengthened our relationship.

Then I went straight to the mister and asked him the question. Here's what he has to say: "We've had more similarities than differences, more in common than not. But I don't know how it feels to be hopped on on hormones. I do think our experience of loss is very similar. We've both been devastated and are having trouble getting on with our lives, living day to day. I think we both feel it's taken over our lives and have both experienced depression. I certainly don't feel any kind of detachment, it's not happening just to you, it's always to both of us. I don't think most people going through infertility get to spend time in ERs. That really changed me because it wasn't just about a baby it was your life was in peril. Stop quoting my blather. I'm dead tired."

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/.  This book club is open to everyone in the community so you can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.

BTW, I personally love this book and the reminder that not all people that pursue adoption are coming from the same wounded place that many of us infertiles are.

Comments

[Bea]

Your hub seems very empathetic! I know for my Mr it was the OHSS, and then the pathology report after the m/c that did it for him. He admits to feeling a little removed from the rest of the process, and does wish I wouldn't take it so hard... even saying so a couple of times, although he's worded it very carefully. I think the waiting for you in the ER during the ectopic would have brought it home to him very closely.

Bea

[Mary Ellen]

I try to look at the big picture too. For me this journey is all about becoming a parent. Thanks for your thoughtful answers.

[Ellen K.]

Great review; I laughed several times, especially at the bit about the Fed Ex guy. (Which led me to a brief fantasy about my UPS guy.) I'd like to read more of your thoughts on the egg donor industry -- I'll check out your blog category.

[Louise]

Great review! Love your mister, too :-)

[coffeegrljp]

I know that it happens, but it's almost hard for me to imagine why someone couldn't understand the parallel purusing of embryo donation and adoption. Either process can be extremely time consuming and in the attempt to start one's family, (especially after investing this much time upfront) waiting even longer can be torturous. Is it so hard to believe that we want to hurry along the good things in our lives? Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and the mister's.

[Mel]

There is just so many great thoughts here, you have actually stopped me from going into the kitchen and grabbing the brownies I know are waiting for me on the counter. I'm really that amazed by all that I've read that I've gone back to dream over sentences here and there.

I love the dragonfly necklace story. And I can completely understand how that cycle in South Africa could be a source of comfort now. Sort of like seeing the white rabbit run by one afternoon many months after you're back from Wonderland.

And I loved this line: We are committed: to building our family through whatever means work for us. You go, girl.

[BestLight]

I especially loved your analogy:

pregnancy is to parenting
as
wedding is to marriage

GOod idea to focus on the big picture.

Enjoyed your review. Best of luck on whichever route brings you to momhood.

[Angelina]

OMG! Twins from different mothers -- Bay Area resident, trying to guess which drs. are which - I'm playing that game with your blog, as I also did with Waiting for Daisy. My marriage is mixed too - so looking at donors. . . that's tough. Wierd parallel - when I had my (not surprising) ectopic, the clinic I was in told me about the cervical ectopic - it was the same week, and they were very worried. More parallels - I wear a dragonfly - it's what I got instead of an engagement ring. Thanks for letting me know it's a fertility symbol too!
Still hoping hard for you -- only a few more days until the transfer!

[Suz]

I read "The Kid" even before I knew we were infertile. It's just a great book.

And we know who got us pregnant.

It was the lab technican, Stan.

[Roni]

I remember lunch in SA and the dragonfly necklace. It's bittersweet to remember that day with you, and to think of the divergent paths on which we've been since then. My heart has ached for you with all you've been through since then. It is my most fervent wish that you will be holding your baby very, very soon.

And thanks for the plug - I'm enough of a blog whore to love the new traffic. But seriously, if you really want to see someone amazing, go look in the mirror. You rock.

(and thanks for the review - I've heard mixed ones, but I'm going to read it now!)