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Tuesday, 19 June 2007


I SO appreciated this post. I am struggling with the "to tell or not to tell" issue right now - but in reverse. My MIL knows of our egg donor plans and has been 100% supportive. It's MY crazy parents that have me spending sleepless nights. We are still weeks away from the transfer but they are also just weeks away from closing on their house and moving to another state. If they acted like adults this would be no drama, but that's not the case. As with your adoption, if and when we do spill the beans, lots of education will be required. Please do post any advice from your BIL and have a lovely long weekend!

Best wishes,


I am also dealing with a similar dilemma, although I do not have the strong evidence that you have that people will react badly. My thoughts at this time are to wait until they have gotten to know/love any prospective baby before coming out about it. (Unless you are referring to the adoption plans rather than the donor embryo issue.) They don't have any inherent right to know anything, but if the children will know, it will come out anyway, probably.

Yes, I just remembered that you owe us your notes on the transracial adoption seminar.

As you know, I have been grappling with the adoption stuff with my in -laws.

All we can do is present the facts...and let the chips fall as they may...You're not asking their permission, but rather explaining what is happening.

It is sad that we infertiles, who have been through so much, have to worry about our family's reactions. It should be an unconditional love on their part.

I will say that my MIL has lightened up considerably over the past two weeks, and has even been asking me about our future daughter, a huge step for her. There's hope!

PS....What are your plans to tell them (if anything) about ED?

Oh boy. Yeah, when we were still in adoption phase, before I became a bit of an urban legend myself, I told my parents. They were quite supportive. But I didn't tell my grandfather because I couldn't deal with his reaction. I figured, he's 91, how much damage can he do? With your husband's parents, of course, it's much more difficult. Maybe they'll surprise you (in a good way)?

In laws! My word, I think that I got stuck with both of my MILs (first and current marriage) to teach me how NOT to act when my kids get married.

Best of luck. Our adoption was one of the best things that could have happened to all of us.

Just checking in, thinking of you.

The decision on whether or not to tell is a tough one. I am sure that you will make the right decision. Thinking of you!

The decision on whether or not to tell is a tough one. I am sure that you will make the right decision. Thinking of you!

The decision on whether or not to tell is a tough one. I am sure that you will make the right decision. Thinking of you!

The decision on whether or not to tell is a tough one. I am sure that you will make the right decision. Thinking of you!

Sorry Millie. I thought my computer had frozen so I kept hitting post.

We are investigating DI and I did tell my parents. They have always supported my decisions so I had no doubts about telling them, BUT my in-laws are another story. We will NOT tell my in-laws...they are strict catholics and conservative. They do support our decision to adopt.

We decided that if we successfully get pregnant through donor insemination we will not say anything to anyone. No one except the blog world knows about my husbands infertility. We will tell our child when he/she is old enough to understand, but we are sort of indecisive. My husband didn't think there was any need to, but I said what if some day there was a medical reason to speak up, we had to tell, and it caused resentment.

It is TOUGH!!! We are only at the initial consultation point. I have to get myself tested...if it turns out that I have infertility problems then there is no reason to even go forward, but if all looks good I don't know what we'll do. It is more expensive than I thought it would be and the state we live in does not require our insurance to cover it. If we can pay per procedure we can probably swing it, but if we can't we'll have to decide between adoption and DI. My biggest fear is that DI is successful, we're in the first unsure trimester and we get selected...the what!!!! We would have 2 infants at the same time...

Hmmm, I'd be a bit worried that if you MIL says that your BIL's partner isn't really family, you may be in for a bit of weirdness when you come out to them about the adoption. I hope that's not the case though.

Thinking of you. I hope good news is forthcoming.

Your feeling are not stubborn or wrong - with some people, especially when they have proven themselves to have tendencies toward harsh judgements and intolerance, the ultimatum approach is all that's going to work. This is about you, E, and your future children, not them, so tough nuggets on their thoughts. :-)

Hi Millie--just checking in after a very long while and so excited to catch up and find you in the 2WW and talking about adoption! Sending you the most positive thoughts possible in both arenas!

As far as your MIL...sheesh! After all you've been through with her, I say you've earned the right to sit this one out all together! I think your DH should handle ALL of the telling/not telling educating/not educating with her. He shouldn't even report back to you what she says! You should delete any emails from her (unless the header is "congratulations" or "luckiest gramma-to-be in the world" or something) unread. Matter of fact DH could sit it out too. Just invite her to the baby shower (or just send her a birth announcement!) and let her make her own decisions from there.

Good lord, how big of a loss would it be if this woman dropped out of your lives?! I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but I'm just thinking about the next chapter: years of explaining to your kid why gramma says and does such mean, hateful things all the time! Heartbreaking and exhausting.

Anyway, sorry for the long comment. You and your DH just seem like the kindest people and it steams me that you are having to deal with this on top of eveything else. The good news is that--one way or another--in the not too distant future you guys are going to be too busy being parents yourselves to worry about that darned mother-in-law!

Best of luck with everything!

What is it with families? You deserve nothing but unconditional support throughout this process. You have it from me!

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