Bitter Ramblings

So I wrote up this long, oh-so-amusing (at least to me) post but somehow it got lost. Woe is me.

I got a reminder call yesterday from Dr. Endo's nice nurse. My appointment to check all things thyroid is tomorrow afternoon. One hitch: I had yet to have my thyroid retested.

Oh, sure she'd given me a standing order which I put somewhere very very safe so I could easily find it. She'd given me an appointment card as well but it never made it into my calendar. You know how that goes.

After turning the spare room nearly upside down, I found it and called the lab. They told me the doc could get the results in time so I rushed right over. They were efficient, taking a few vials of blood and not even leaving a bruise.

I know I'm being more than a bit passive aggressive about the whole thing. I know my meds are off. I'm jittery most of the night and not sleeping well. I know I should be all over this. But now that the cycle is indefinitely postponed I've got plenty of time. At least it feels that way.

I haven't been having the best of weeks. I need a bit more structure to my days. I'm waiting to hear back about a really cool project that might start as early as next week (the decider is on vacation this week).

I figured today I'd put the spare room back to order and even organize the closet. It was stuffed full of all kinds of crap in preparation for Initial Girl's visit. I made good progress for quite some time. Then I came across something I hadn't opened in a couple of years: my very professional laptop bag I use when traveling for work.

It turns out the last time I used it was October/November of 2004. How do I know? When I was pulling out various ethernet cables (how very quaint) and business cards I found a photograph. From my first trip to Garden State.

It's a picture of a lovely 6-celled embryo. From my first ivf back when I had something to transfer. Back when I still had a glimmer of hope.

Monday was the anniversary of my bfn from Cape Town. I didn't realize it until I read about the worst day of the year. Yup, January 24th last year was pretty crappy. Of course my year, like way too many of my friends, got crappier.

I was talking to a friend from my RESOLVE group yesterday. I'd given her some tips on decorating her daughter's first birthday cake just before leaving for Thailand. The last time I cycled with my own eggs we were cycle buddies. She was talking about how 2007 was going to be the year for the mister and me. I wish I could believe that but I just don't.

I'm just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of talking about it with anyone. Especially other infertiles, it seems. I know as a good infertile I should be working the next plan but I'm just going through the motions. We haven't committed to any particular course of action and nothing is going on. I'm just so tired of saying there is no news. There is never any news.

I wasn't having a great day before I saw that picture but it sure didn't help. I've got a couple of hours to pull myself a bit more together before the mister gets home. I think I can do that. At least my boys in blue are playing tonight so I can rechannel my energies into yelling at the tv instead of just feeling sad and empty. If I were feeling more optimistic, even about my team, I might be planning a trip to Atlanta for the first weekend in April. But I'm feeling so sorry for myself I'm sure I'd be a bad luck charm (much like the last time I attended the Final Four).

Good grief, I need to shake this. Maybe I'll make some cupcakes. They make everything better, right?

Comments

[Craig]

This is the first time I've come across your blog. You remind me of the way I sound. Although our situations are vastly different we both seem to struggle with "keeping at it" when all we want to do is throw in the towel.

But something inside us won't let us let go of the damn towel. And that's when something happens... maybe it's not what we're looking for, but maybe it'll do. For now.

I posted to my blog today and maybe it's something you might like to read. Just follow the url, and, if not, I simply urge you not to give up. It is when things are at their worst that not quitting matters the most.

Sometimes I guess it's just nice to know we aren't alone in our existential suffering. Anyway... cheers.

[angela]

I hope the cupcakes help.
I wish there was something I could say to make the shittiness of it all go away. Thinking of you, and I hope it gets better...soon.

[Suz]

I'm sorry, Millie. I still can't look at the photos of our embryos, even the ones from the second cycle that gave us the boys.

B-ball season is good for yelling at the TV. Know that I'll be yelling right along with you and for you.

[Suz]

I'm sorry, Millie. I still can't look at the photos of our embryos, even the ones from the second cycle that gave us the boys.

B-ball season is good for yelling at the TV. Know that I'll be yelling right along with you and for you.

[DD]

Sometimes I wonder if I take out the infertility, would I still be able to relate to the many women I connect to now. Is it the only common thread?

I kept the picture of our first embryos. I threw away the 2nd.

[Dead Bug]

Oh, Millie, I am so sorry that you're feeling so low. The whacked-out thyroid can increase the feelings of apathy and "stuckness"--it certainly does for me--and I hope an adjustment of the dosage helps to some extent. I'll be thinking of you and rooting for your boys in blue. And also for the exciting new project.

--Bugs

[Jen]

I'm sorry--for the blahs, for the unbidden mementos, for the crappy thyroid.

I hope the cupcakes help. Can't hurt, right?

[K&M]

Hang in there, my friend. Don't give up yet, I got all kinds of parts crossed that things are going to work for you, some way, some how.

And how about some choc cupcakes with cream cheese frosting? And have 3 for me.

[Leggy]

Not sure what to say for fear of a**vice, but I'm sorry its so hard, and I'm sorry its another year and you are still waiting to be a mother. I've been at this IF thing for 9.5 years (4 years of primary, the rest secondary), and its a long, hard slog. Thinking of you.

[Sparkle]

Sorry that you are feeling horrible.
It is exhausting, so it's no wonder you are tired.
You may not have committed to any course of action, but you're not exactly doing nothing right now.
What's this about the indefinite postponement?

[Bonnie]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Making cupcakes couldn't hurt...

[thalia]

I thought you had several irons in the fire, no? The donor embryos and adoption, etc.? I think perhaps it's just all so slow it feels like no progress at all.
I wish I was coming so I could listen to you tell me all this over a glass of wine...

Do let us know what you ended up cooking.

[zhl]

Oh, Millie, I know how you are feeling. I had the picture of my embryos in a bad I had taken to that town, and I still get sad every time I come across them. I should move it but I don't. I hope the cupcakes helped. I wish there was another way I could help.

[Louise]

Sorry to hear you sound so down. I am thinking of you! And definitely send me an email if you plan the ATL trip :-)

[Lut C.]

Not on the same level, but I was cleaning up my old text messages today from my cell phone. They went back to enthousiastic texts about follicle numbers and unproblematic retrieval and then on to messages after our zero embryo count. I deleted them all.

[M]

Millie, it's part of the friend code to keep hoping and believing what we long for will happen when we just can't anymore--until we can find our way back to it ourselves. In the meantime, cupcakes and steamed almond milk are good fortifiers. Take care.

[Teendoc]

I'm sorry that you are feeling crappy right now. I wish I could help. Just keep moving along with regard to adoption and you will have a baby soon. I'm finally accepting this myself. And I went with Mason and looked at your recommended Orbit. I'm still in love.

Love you, lady!

[chris]

Wow. I didn't know about the "indefinite postponement." I'm sorry.

Cupcakes definitely help. Would posting pictures of your completed kitchen help? Because (hint, hint) I never got to see the fniished thing and I'm always up for some kitchen p*rn.

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope your team won.

['Nilla @ Vanilla Dreams]

The indefinite postponement sucks, I'm so sorry Millie.

I echo your feelings in just being sick and tired of this whole thing. I think that's why I've been relatively quiet these past couple of weeks as the days tick down to FET #3. I remember when I used to keep track of the days and count down to the transfer date! Not any more. I feel like this cycle has snuck up on me and suprised me with it being only four days away!

I hope you feel better soon, and that the cupcakes help. Photos, please? I love cupcakes!

I'll be thinking about you and hoping things get better soon.

xx
Nilla

[ninaB]

Yeah. I hear ya.
I do like hearing about the cupcakes and marmalade classes though.

[Rose]

I just got done reading your entire blog/archives. I started reading it on Monday. Just wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed your writing. I am just starting on this "lovely" ride of infertility and have learned a lot just from reading the many fine blogs from others out there. And Jan 24th can't be the worst day of the year, it's my b'day, UGH! I'm 39 this year and my clock wasn't just ticking the alarm was blaring away!!! Yours is the first blog I have ever commented on. I hope to read more and wish you all the luck in 2007!

[rosie]

i'm so sorry, millie. i wish i could write as well as the other women here, but all it would say is "i'm sorry" in much better words.