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Sunday, 12 November 2006


Ugh, what a story. One of the things I've learnt to accept is that some people are not meant to be life-long friends. Especially someone announcing a 'POAS' positive to a woman who has just found out she's having an ectopic pregnancy! Toxic - has to go.

Another thing, I'm a little bit hazy on the 'baby shower' etiquette over there - but here - it would be seen as extremely self-indulgent to be having two baby showers - it's a one time thing - first baby only! Like a kitchen tea when you get married.

Millie that's one horrible story, I am sorry. It's crappy behaviour, I cannot imagine what posessed her to behave that way. I'm glad she feels sorry, but at the same time that shower evite...well the best thing I can say is that perhaps she just didn't know how to bring it up, so she didn't. Not that that's excusable or anything.

I'd call that one toxic friendship, and I'd call it over.

I am so sorry, Millie. I don't understand how people who should understand can be so insensitive and just plain dumb.

I've had to end contact with a few friends over the years, and although it is difficult, sometimes it's the only option. I'm thinking of you.

I'll never understand how someone who's experienced infertility can be so insensitive once they get past it. Everyone I've met online is so careful of feelings, I forget that people aren't always like that in real life. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!

Jezz, talk about insensitve. I can't imagine going through an ectopic and being hit with the positive pee stick. Damn Millie, that just sucks...
Your friend is a tad bit insensitive, I think if it was me I would have to cut my ties.

I'm going with the popular opinion to kick her to the curb....HOWEVER, I know that's really not what you want to do or else you wouldn't still be thinking about her. She is not the same person anymore, and it wouldn't be fair to either of you to expect that you each act as if her two girls do not exist when you get together. You will know if this is a friendship worth saving if you can believe that having her and her husband, and possibly the two children, over will not bring you heartache. Also, could you bear the thought of them lapping a 3rd time?

Your friend is like a great dress you bought 5 years ago. Time has made the dress worn and your body has changed. This dress no longer makes you feel as good about yourself. Time for a new dress.

Wow. Some people forget where they come from really damn quick.

I'm so sorry.

I think it would take me a really, really long time to get over something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Wow- talk about being blindsided!

What a story.

It seems like such a "betrayal" to be treated this way, by someone who seemingly should know better. How quickly some of us forget the heartache. :-(

That just sucks. I know that you miss her and feel badly that you've lost a friendship that was important to you, but da-yum, what Sparkle said is right: she's toxic.

It's true, sometimes friendships have to end. I struggled for a loooooong time with my ex-best friend, who lives far, far away in the southern hemisphere -- and I'm still sad that our friendship had to end in the way that it did. But when I really think about it, about how stressed and worried and upset I was whenever we interacted, I'm relieved.

And I'm guessing (or maybe projecting) that you feel badly that it's the IF that's come between you two -- that pregnancy and birth and children are supposed to be a joyful thing and how awful you must be to not be able to share in this beautiful event, right? But the problem is not your IF, or that you're unable to feel joy for the people you love (you are as loving and generous as they come) -- it's her inability to be thoughtful, sensitive or kind. It's her inability to step outside of herself when a friend is in pain.

I'm sorry, Millie. I'm sorry.

Absolutely everything Anna just said.

I lost/removed myself from a great (15 year old) friendship a few years ago. I THOUGHT it was her pregnancy and subsequent emotional abandonment of me (she had a single blocked tube, got it blown out and voila...after crying on my veteran's shoulder for oh, all of about 5 months). But what it really was turned out to be that qualities she had and I have intensified under the IF lens, and our bond didn't stand up to scrutiny.

I'm sorry for your loss, Millie. It's a terrible thing to lose someone close on top of everything else.

Wishing you all good things in the world.


Aaaw, sweetie. The whole thing just hurts, I know. Sending you big smooches.

I'm sorry. It's always worse when it's from someone who should know better.

These situations always hurt so much more when it comes from someone you expect to be more understanding. I think your friend let her own need for celebrating her news overshadow your needs.
And, like you said, once MAY be forgiveable but someone who is a good friend wouldn't continue to be so insensitive.

Try not to beat yourself up about not being able to handle it. She subjected you to an enormously hurtful and painful situation. I wouldn't have been able to sit through dinner at the same table with her if it had been me.

It sucks when people blindside us like that. Having your defenses down, I'm sure made the impact of her actions come down harder.

Sorry you had to go through that experience. People come in and out of our lives. It doesn't mean anything or anyone is wrong...just that you've grown apart.

Oh man. That sucks. It especially sucks since you guys were so close at one time. I can't believe she whipped out the test!

ouch. ouch. ouch.
it's hard enough to find friends who 'get it' and even more painful when they get IF amnesia.

I also can't believe she whipped out the test. I'm going to be the lone dissenting voice here, though. I know what she did was insensitive but I tend to keep friends sometimes beyond their expiration date. Is there any way you could talk to her and explain how thoughtless that was?

These things never cease to amaze me. I think if I ever forget(ha! ?) I want to be called out on it. I would ask her what the deal is and why she didn't warn you. THEN I'd call up the curb.

i can't imagine that she's forgotten what all that hurt feels like, but it seems she has. or she's pretending she doesn't know. either way, i'm so sorry she hurt you. i read this story in horror...i knew what was coming but i couldn't believe she'd actually do these things. i hate that you had to be on the receiving end of such insensitivity.

I'm so very sorry. I went through something similar with a long time but fertile friend. The friendship has since ended becasue she just could not understand and for that I cannot forgive her.

I guess it's a good sign that your friend realized her insensitivity during round one, but now she's repeated it so I'm not sure that bodes well for the long run.

It's sad that lost friendships are another down side to infertility, but it seems to be all too common.

Crisis is a real test of friendship and some times it's surprisingly painful who passes and who fails the test.

Whatever you decide on the friendship front, I hope your time away is good to you!

Oof. I'm sorry Millie.

wow. i don't even know what to say. really. i could go on and on about how inconsiderate she was, but isn't that obvious?

I'm just catching up now. Millie, this just sucks, but I get it. I agree with you 100%. Some people just forget about tact and pick up crass on their way out of graduating from their RE's office. Which totally sucks.

The meester asked me if there were any crones I'd like at my shower, and while from the aspect of enjoying everyone's company more than anything, I told him "it'd be like asking a legless person if they were running in the marathon." I couldn't do that to people that I still watch hurt from infertility. I still love seeing everyone, but even at dinner a few weeks ago, I just felt awkward and guilty because, well, like Susan said, I'm the bitch with the glow. ;o)

There are friendships, like others said, that are just not meant to last forever, or are just too toxic to keep up, because there's always one person who is investing more into the relationship than the other and that person ultimately ends up hurt and crushed.

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