Calling all you Emily Posts

I'm about to become the bitch in the family. I suppose that's assuming I'm not already. Hmm, I'm about to solidify my bitch standing. There's a wedding this coming weekend and there's already a brouhaha.

The mister's older brother, the Asshole, is at it again. Just to get y'all up to speed:

• Cousin Sally is getting married next Saturday. This marks the last of the first cousin's to get married until the divorces start.
• Cousin Sally wrote this on her wedding website, over in Wedding Land: For those guests with children, we will do everything we can to provide or help you find babysitters for the evening. Please contact us with any questions or concerns.
• Last year at Cousin Sally's little sister's wedding, the Asshole and his wife brought their 3 month old twins (one special needs) and his 13 year old daughter to the wedding and reception. They parked the younger twins in their carseat under the table in the banquet hall and were generally across the room from them most of the night. They assume other people will look after the kids. This is how it's been since the first set of twins were born.
• Much like at my wedding, the Asshole and his 2nd wife danced before the traditional first dance. No one said anything at my wedding. We were all a bit stunned. Much was said last year.
• The Asshole has decided against all of his family's advice to bring ALL FOUR KIDS to the wedding. They are flying in from UT. I'm guessing he plans on having the older kids do a fair amount of looking after the younger ones. Especially while he's in his speedo oogling young girls at the pool. (He's soooooo icky).
• The Asshole has decided to ignore all of the bride's requests, the family's request and common sense and his bringing ALL FOUR KIDS to the ceremony and reception. He's caving in by having 2nd wife and him take turns with the 16 month olds outside the ceremony.
• The Asshole has decided it's too expensive to use the babysitters provided so he will ignore what everyone wants and do what he damn well pleases. Apparently it's not too expensive to fly 4 childeren from UT to CA just to pay for babysitters.
• All the other cousins that are coming who have children (3 cousins with a total of 6 kids) are leaving their kids at home with their spouses.
• The mister has suggested he not do this. My MIL has suggested he not do this. She got a lot of shit from her brother and sister after the last debacle.

Why am I ranting about this? I'm planning on writing an email to 2nd wife and bringing much of this to her attention. The nice phone calls haven't worked between other family members. I don't think you can be nice with 2 narcissists. 2nd wife has been complaining for a long time (oh let's say since her ill advised pregnancy when both she and bil rubbed it in our faces) that she wishes she and I talked more. I have a feeling that's about to change.

So please bring on the assvice. How bitchy can I be? If it were my MIL I'd fight passive-aggression with passive-aggression but I don't think fighting narcissism with narcissism will work as well. My goal is actually to bring on a narcissistic rage. I'm not kidding. I honestly believe that if flattery doesn't work with narcissists, accessing the rage is the only way to change. I'm willing to get them so pissed at me that the don't come, or at least leave all 4 kids at home. No one has asked if the older twins are on the invitation so I definitely need to ask that. And point out that if a name isn't on the invite they don't freakin' come to a wedding.

So my plan is to call Younger Sister and get just a bit of scoopage (like were the older twins names on the invite) and then email 2nd wife. Since neither of us are 'family'. Just between us girls.

My email will:

• rehash their inappropriate behavior at the last two weddings
• remind them it's not their day
• remind them of the bridal couple's wishes
• tell them these wishes are due in no small part to their behavior at the last wedding
• remind them that no other cousin is bringing any children
• give them a little math lesson regarding 4 airfares vs 1 babysitter
• remind them that ONLY names listed on the inner invite are allowed at the ceremony AND the reception
• remind them that NO ONE dances before the bride and groom
• let them know their inappropriate behavior is causing problems for the family, particularly my MIL
• let them know everyone is talking about them in a negative way
• let them know everyone will be looking out for inappropriate behavior from the two of them

The mister is fed up with them. But he hates confrontation. I don't think I'm lucky enough to get another 7 year reprieve from the Asshole (when his aunt told him years ago that he couldn't attend Thanksgiving Dinner with his Mistress he stayed away from all family events for 7 years).  Even if the still attend with children in tow, at least someone will have stood up to them.

So, how much bitchier should I get?

Comments

[zhl]

I love it. It's totally narcissist day in the IF blog world. Sorry, maybe I shouldn't be so happy about it but sure is making me feel better than a pint of B&J's NY super fudge chunk that I am not the only one dealing with such shits.

Oh, advice, you wanted advice. I'm no emily Post so feel free to write whatever you want. I don't think it will do a bit of good. I've tried explaining to narcissists why they make me mad, but somehow it always ends up being about them.

Good luck, though.

[Wavery]

I'm not sure what to add besides a request for the transcript.

Good luck and I hope you save the day! Your cousin will be sooooo grateful.

[Louise]

Laughing out loud! I am a manners freak, and it drives me NUTS when people disregard basic courtesies.

And people really don't pay attention to the inner envelopes of wedding invitations! They think "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" on the inner invite also means "and their three children."

Ugg!

I think overall though, that Emily Post would advise the bride's parents, or the wedding hosts, call those who are so rude, and let them know what will be allowed...Based on your history with these people, I don't think they'll listen to you. I think that the bride's only hope is for the wedding host to call the offenders and say "no children under age X." Period.

All that said, like Wavery, I can't wait to hear the transcript of your little chat with your sis-in law. Good times! Have I mentioned that I LOVE crazy in-law stories? :-)

[Maggie]

Does cousin Sally know all this? I would tell her what asshole plans to do. Also, if you are sure that you dont care what asshole and wife #2 thinks about you - I would go in guns blazing - please, if you can, cut and paste a copy of the letter you send and any reply. Have Fun!

[T]

Oh yes, add me to the request for transcript! I thought I had a family full of assholes, but on reading about THE asshole, realize that they're just jerks. I just wonder if email will work since she/they don't have to respond to it.

Good luck - can't wait to hear! Sorry I don't have advice, I think you're going to do a great job.

[Jen]

you can get real bitchy and be brutally honest, but I wouldn't do it via email, it's way too easy to print an email and make you the bad guy, much much more effective to phone and verbalise your distaste at their apparent lack of consideration for others. it's not their day and if they can't follow some simple requests they should just stay away. .... ahhh I'm still anti wedding guests from my own crap fright affair. affair = wedding day not secret lover behind the bike shed.

[mellie]

And how sweet of you to take her up on the offer to chat. Although I second the phone call vs email approach. You can always follow with an email either way, either confirming the conversation so she has something to think about, or to take another swing at the overall message. you know, tell'em, tell'em, & tell'em again. Plus, you get to be bitchy twice that way, and how great is that!

[Sparkle]

Well you're a braver person than I. After the family crap I've had to deal with in the last few years I'd be a total chicken and give it a w-i-d-e berth.

My mother has always said the most effective statement is the under-statement(not sure if that includes narcissists), but I agree I would reread and reread before I hit send - because some people find it empowering to make an even bigger broohaha by hitting forward and including all family members in such correspondence (as has happened in my family :>)

[carosgram]

If this were your side of the family I would fully support this initiative. However, it isn't and I can't. Maybe no one on that side of the family stands up to him because they really don't want that kind of confrontation. Are you sure they will appreciate your interference?

[DD]

As long as you have Sally's and your husband's blessing, I would certainly bring on the Bitch. If they won't care that it will be them that BIL will forever hold a grudge against, then obviously something should be said. However, BIL will use you as the reason to not come to other family gatherings and even though that probably won't bother you, it may not necessarily be worth it.

My opinion above certainly doesn't negate the fact that BIL is a fucktard deserves to come down with the intestinal flu so he is not able to attend thus resolving the issue on its own.

[chris]

Okay, I'm not going to read anyone else's response until I cowardly leave my own, because I'm going to assume they go the opposite on this one: I wouldn't do anything. If he's that much of an asshole, he's going to do what he wants, particularly since his mother and other individuals have spoken to him. The duty for this falls on First Cousin, and if not her, her mother or father, to speak up. I'm sure you feel some sense of responsibility because he's your BIL, but it's not your problem.

I also think you hit the nail on the head with your BIL. Narcissists don't respond to much of anything, so what can you do? Sit back, relax, and watch the fall out. I'm sorry your BIL is such a lout, but that's not your fault.

Now I'm going to read what everyone else has to say.

[Roni]

Oh, I am ALL FOR as bitchy as you can! I think it's important to know that the ripples will affect the entire family, and if you perceive that you will be cheered rather than booed, go for it - and in writing! If you think that it may cause undue friction between you and other family members (important ones) , I would still do it but then by phone - less incriminating evidence!!

These people deserve a real beating. I, too, can't WAIT to see the transcript!! Hopefully they will go away for a long, long time. If not, do you think that they may ruin the wedding by being loudly confrontational with you if they still come and bring all their kids?

Frankly I think that the bride and groom should deny them entry - or tell them that their invite is being revoked. Unfortunately some people aren't able to be that confrontational (but I certainly am!)

You GO girl!! I can't wait to hear!
Roni

[Teendoc]

As much as I totally get where you're coming from with these two narcissists, the onus is truly on the bride and groom to take on this behavior and confront them about this plan to bring children. But I know you want to give 'em hell, so have at it and let us know how it goes.

[Emily]

There is only one way to deal with a narcissist and that is to leave them; ignore them like they don't exist. I agree that the bride and groom need to confront them and honestly, what the family needs to do is to exclude them outright. It's the only thing that sends the appropriate message. My ex was a narcissist, my parents as well, I've got lots of experience dealing with it and truly the only healthy thing you can do is carve out a life without them.

They are just awful sounding.