The mister and I went to our domestic adoption orientation session the other night. It was all booked up so it was a very good thing we'd signed up a few weeks ago. Several things struck me so I'd thought I'd share my insights:
- It's not a good idea to get stuck in horrible, horrible bridge traffic and pick a fight with your husband while en route to the adoption seminar. Especially if the fight is about how he's done jack shit to further the adoption process and donor embryo process even though he's made many promises and you are tired of doing it all.
- It's amusing how close said adoption agency is to your local clinic. It's literally around the corner. Is there some kind Why didn't you ever notice it before? At least you'll have the parking all figured out and know the location of the Starbucks.
- It's a fabulous idea to plan such an evening the night after your birthday. Because you will feel really really young when you enter the room. Believe me, that doesn't happen very often anymore, especially with family building stuff.
- Most people in the room will not have done any homework and have all kinds of totally newbie questions. They'll get caught up going down the path of every bad Lifetime Original movie plot regarding adoption. They'll want hard and fast numbers and percentages and will not be mollified with 'every case is different but that is incredibly rare'.
- Many of the faces in the room will be incredibly pinched. A few will be sad. You'll be drawn to the ones that aren't, to that couple that has a slightly knowing/slightly bitter look of just wanted to jump throw the first hoop.
- If you are say, 15 minutes late, and another couple comes in 10 minutes after you, the same rules apply as at college and you will say somewhat smugly afterward 'at least we weren't the latest couple'.
- You will notice all the shoes in the room and slightly rate the other couples by their footwear.
- You will also size up the other couples and wonder who'll get the first match. Suddenly it feels like a contest.
- You'll notice the folks that nod at the right places in the presentation. Which of course are the 'right' places because you are nodding as well.
- You'll go up to the presenter aftewards because you want to make sure you're signed up for the required 5 week adoption preparation class and find that the nice single woman who seemed to know a lot about the process is not adopting her second child, in fact she's going to be conducting homestudies for the agency. And she tells you how fabulous it will be and you believe her.
- And you might go off to a nice Thai dinner with friends afterward, happy with your mate, hopeful for the future and feeling like you've got a great secret that you're not quite ready to share with the rest of the world. Outside of the internets and all.
To sum it up, we're still moving forward with our donor embryo plans and beginning adoption plans at the same time. The mister's company will cover a fair amount of adoption expenses so I figure we might as well start with the application and homestudy and all. I know many programs here have issues with folks continuing ART and many of you have advised me not to tell. I've got to think that if we're already pursuing a cycle with donor gametes and an open relationship with the donors, that can't be that bad to an adoption agency, right? We've already been dealing with many of the losses that adoption folks like you to deal with first and it's not a very big step from donor embryos to open adoption, is it? Or am I just smoking crack again?
If it is crack then it must be the good stuff. You're juggling a lot and that is not easy. Good on ya Millie!
Posted by: Wavery | Saturday, 16 September 2006 at 19:14
I think there are few 'right' ways to go about this, and you've got to do what you've decided is the right thing for you. If we could jointly pursue adoption and ART, believe me we'd be doing it.
Posted by: thalia | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 05:27
Dont ask, Dont tell -- trust me. They think you have not dealt with not being able to give birth so they think that you can not embrace open adoption. They are idiots but they hold the golden ticket. Infertility sucks... can you tell I am bitter? Shhh, dont tell my adoption agency. - Mags
PS - I had a fight with my hubby going to our first meeting - mostly cuz he was being a jerk. But in truth, it is just nerves on both parts. Good luck!
Posted by: maggie | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 07:13
We had a huge fight after our first seminar, so I get the nerves. It sounds like you came out of it really well though. I am glad you are feeling hopeful. Re: pursuing ART and adoption at the same time, for the homestudy, we only dealt with agencies that would allow us to do that. We found we had to pursue adoption independently though if we were going to be able to take it any further. I think we made our openess pretty clear to the social worker, and I think she believed us. I think the way we described how we had been coping with loss and what the prospect of any child, either through adoption or ART would mean to us actually showed her what good parents we would make (all of this is still 'if'!), even more so than if we hadn't been so mired in infertility.
Posted by: fisher queen | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 11:08
I agree that it's not a huge step between open adoption and donor eggs/embryos. There's still the loss of a biological connection, and for me, anyway, a sense of failure for not being able to get my family the "normal" way. I'm sure I mentioned my friend before who has one biological daughter and one adopted daughter from Russia. She has told me a million times, "there is absolutely no difference". It's just hard sometimes since we're still in the middle of it all.
Posted by: Sue | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 12:30
You just reminded me of something. Many years ago, I attended a RESOLVE conference, and I went only to panels on egg donation and international adoption. When describing the experience to a friend, I told her that if I were to decide which way to go based simply on how much positive energy was in the room, adoption was the option, hands down. I think I was the youngest person at the egg donor panels (33 maybe, at the time), and I was only a few years into IF. I was SHOCKED by how palpable the anger was--towards the professionals presenting, towards the world, towards the past, the future... you get the point. By contrast, in the adoption panels, the participants seemed more... unfettered? Excited, curious, nervous, etc. But not so angry. I don't mean to insult my fellow IF treatment travelers, but I'm a little sorry I didn't follow that energy back then. Glad you're getting the buzz now, too.
All good things...
Posted by: JennaM | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 16:12
Not saying there aren't reasons to be angry during the adoption process... the anger just doesn't seem so raw to me, I guess.
Posted by: JennaM | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 16:15
It's me, Angie, LeighW from cc. I found your blog address in a pile of adoption notes and thought I'd see what you're up to.
Yay for you on moving forward. I don't see a problem with pursuing both avenues at once. I would have done the same if I had had IF coverage and adoptions benefits (I have neither). If your agency isn't cool with it, I'm sure you'll hear about it--'cause you'll have to sign some sort of statement saying you are NOT pregnant and NOT trying.
I know this because I am about to sign such a statement, although we're not preventing. Heaven help us. I don't think the agency cares, but we will be ineligible to be matched with a baby from S. Korea if lightning strikes and we get pregnant before referral.
Isn't it great not to feel so old? We just finished our adoption training and it was nice to hang out with folks around our age.
Posted by: Angie (LeighW) | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 17:08
I'm chuckling that you guys had a little spat before your seminar as well. Must have been nerves. I could tell that my husband was dying to back out of it, but he stuck to his agreement.
Just finished my opinion of our class if you want to take a look! Take care,
GL
Posted by: Louise | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 18:36
Good luck with both your options. And maybe I misread, but a happy belated birthday seems due to you as well.
Posted by: Kellie | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 19:25
I have to say when we did our 2-day seminar here - the most heated debate came up with the 'you can't pursue both at the same time'.
Bottom line? Everyone does.
The case workers expect that you will still be grieving your loss (not having a baby), but what they are looking for is that you are managing it - so you aren't debilitated by it.
Agree with the similarity donor gamete & adoption
But ... I think you should keep it to yourselves.
Posted by: Sparkle | Sunday, 17 September 2006 at 22:48
Sorry about the fight. I'm sure he understands that the reason you are picking a fight is because of the huge emotional toll infertility takes and that you are just spent.
I also agree that there is a similarity between donor gamete and adoption. However,
i would also keep it to yourself that you are pursuing both if they don't seem like they understand that by doing so doesn't mean you haven't grieved your loss.
Posted by: Bonnie | Monday, 18 September 2006 at 05:11
I loved this post. Probably because it made me think of myself - I'd quarrel with my husband on the way because we were late, and then I'd assess the crowd much as you did.
And, for the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with proceeding on both fronts at the same time. It's all about becoming a parent, not how you do it.
Posted by: patricia | Monday, 18 September 2006 at 10:01
I loved this post. Probably because it made me think of myself - I'd quarrel with my husband on the way because we were late, and then I'd assess the crowd much as you did.
And, for the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with proceeding on both fronts at the same time. It's all about becoming a parent, not how you do it.
Posted by: patricia | Monday, 18 September 2006 at 10:01