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Saturday, 16 September 2006

Comments

If it is crack then it must be the good stuff. You're juggling a lot and that is not easy. Good on ya Millie!

I think there are few 'right' ways to go about this, and you've got to do what you've decided is the right thing for you. If we could jointly pursue adoption and ART, believe me we'd be doing it.

Dont ask, Dont tell -- trust me. They think you have not dealt with not being able to give birth so they think that you can not embrace open adoption. They are idiots but they hold the golden ticket. Infertility sucks... can you tell I am bitter? Shhh, dont tell my adoption agency. - Mags

PS - I had a fight with my hubby going to our first meeting - mostly cuz he was being a jerk. But in truth, it is just nerves on both parts. Good luck!

We had a huge fight after our first seminar, so I get the nerves. It sounds like you came out of it really well though. I am glad you are feeling hopeful. Re: pursuing ART and adoption at the same time, for the homestudy, we only dealt with agencies that would allow us to do that. We found we had to pursue adoption independently though if we were going to be able to take it any further. I think we made our openess pretty clear to the social worker, and I think she believed us. I think the way we described how we had been coping with loss and what the prospect of any child, either through adoption or ART would mean to us actually showed her what good parents we would make (all of this is still 'if'!), even more so than if we hadn't been so mired in infertility.

I agree that it's not a huge step between open adoption and donor eggs/embryos. There's still the loss of a biological connection, and for me, anyway, a sense of failure for not being able to get my family the "normal" way. I'm sure I mentioned my friend before who has one biological daughter and one adopted daughter from Russia. She has told me a million times, "there is absolutely no difference". It's just hard sometimes since we're still in the middle of it all.

You just reminded me of something. Many years ago, I attended a RESOLVE conference, and I went only to panels on egg donation and international adoption. When describing the experience to a friend, I told her that if I were to decide which way to go based simply on how much positive energy was in the room, adoption was the option, hands down. I think I was the youngest person at the egg donor panels (33 maybe, at the time), and I was only a few years into IF. I was SHOCKED by how palpable the anger was--towards the professionals presenting, towards the world, towards the past, the future... you get the point. By contrast, in the adoption panels, the participants seemed more... unfettered? Excited, curious, nervous, etc. But not so angry. I don't mean to insult my fellow IF treatment travelers, but I'm a little sorry I didn't follow that energy back then. Glad you're getting the buzz now, too.

All good things...

Not saying there aren't reasons to be angry during the adoption process... the anger just doesn't seem so raw to me, I guess.

It's me, Angie, LeighW from cc. I found your blog address in a pile of adoption notes and thought I'd see what you're up to.

Yay for you on moving forward. I don't see a problem with pursuing both avenues at once. I would have done the same if I had had IF coverage and adoptions benefits (I have neither). If your agency isn't cool with it, I'm sure you'll hear about it--'cause you'll have to sign some sort of statement saying you are NOT pregnant and NOT trying.

I know this because I am about to sign such a statement, although we're not preventing. Heaven help us. I don't think the agency cares, but we will be ineligible to be matched with a baby from S. Korea if lightning strikes and we get pregnant before referral.

Isn't it great not to feel so old? We just finished our adoption training and it was nice to hang out with folks around our age.

I'm chuckling that you guys had a little spat before your seminar as well. Must have been nerves. I could tell that my husband was dying to back out of it, but he stuck to his agreement.

Just finished my opinion of our class if you want to take a look! Take care,
GL

Good luck with both your options. And maybe I misread, but a happy belated birthday seems due to you as well.

I have to say when we did our 2-day seminar here - the most heated debate came up with the 'you can't pursue both at the same time'.

Bottom line? Everyone does.

The case workers expect that you will still be grieving your loss (not having a baby), but what they are looking for is that you are managing it - so you aren't debilitated by it.

Agree with the similarity donor gamete & adoption

But ... I think you should keep it to yourselves.

Sorry about the fight. I'm sure he understands that the reason you are picking a fight is because of the huge emotional toll infertility takes and that you are just spent.

I also agree that there is a similarity between donor gamete and adoption. However,
i would also keep it to yourself that you are pursuing both if they don't seem like they understand that by doing so doesn't mean you haven't grieved your loss.

I loved this post. Probably because it made me think of myself - I'd quarrel with my husband on the way because we were late, and then I'd assess the crowd much as you did.

And, for the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with proceeding on both fronts at the same time. It's all about becoming a parent, not how you do it.

I loved this post. Probably because it made me think of myself - I'd quarrel with my husband on the way because we were late, and then I'd assess the crowd much as you did.

And, for the record, I don't think there is anything wrong with proceeding on both fronts at the same time. It's all about becoming a parent, not how you do it.

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