One of the lasting effects of this latest ectopic (and perhaps infertility in general) for me is that I don't feel like I can count on things actually happening until they do. I have no faith at all that things will work out for me.
I've lost my ability to make any concrete plans. I find myself using the word "maybe" a lot. I find myself saying things like "if it actually works out" or "it might be that..." I find myself qualifying nearly every statement that comes out of my mouth that might relate to anything positive or anything that I want to happen.
This is not me. At least it's not the first 37 or so years of the me that I thought I knew.
I'm normally a fairly decisive person (see? I even had to qualify that). I was a fairly optimistic person. Things came easy to me. School came easy. High test scores came easy. Jobs fell into my lap. Better jobs feel into my lap. I won all expense paid trips to the South Pacific. On my birthday. I would bemoan my lack of a relationship in the few weeks I had between relationships (at least once I entered my mid 20s...there were plenty of dry spells earlier). Good things happened to me and that didn't surprise me.
Now bad things happen to me and that doesn't surprise me either. The tables have turned and I find myself counting on bad things happening (very low probability bad things) while seeming high probability good things skip over me.
I've never been a very creative person but I can now easily think of horrible things that might go awry. Old time bloggers (and lurkers) might remember the fun tales getupgrrl told of her meditation class. Remember that great first session when everyone had to tell what they were most afraid of or something like that? Maybe it was even the worst thing about death they could think of? And some of her classmates said things like 'dying alone'? And the wonderful grrl said something to the effect of 'being kidnapped by a serial killer and tortured in his basement before being killed?"
Of course she said it much better than I ever could but you get the idea. If you remember that post you probably have a smile on your face thinking about it all (and her nemesis? god how I loved that! good times).
Lately I've been channeling my inner grrl. The mister asked me, shortly before the second shot of methotrexate, what was the worst thing that could happen. I think it was kind of a rhetorical question so I called him on it. What's the worst thing YOU think could happen? He said "well, maybe it doesn't work and we'll have to schedule surgery and you'll lose your other tube."
Amateur.
"Nope. I was thinking even if I have the second shot and the ectopic could rupture causing my entire uterus to rupture and I need an emergency hysterectomy. Or I bleed out internally and die before making it to the ER. THAT's the worst thing that could happen."
See how my mind works these days? Not a pretty sight. Well, it's now seeping into everything.
I found myself saying all week long 'there's a chance I might be starting a job sometime soon.' Sometime soon like Tuesday.
I didn't think of it as a done deal (I'm not sure I think of it as a done deal now). I used every kind of qualifier in the book. I hesitated to tell anyone while also refraining from making any kind of plans.
Meanwhile over at Yodeling Inc! my Swedish friend who may soon be my Swedish boss was asking me what network id I preferred (oh, and by the way Yodeling Inc! is very particular about punctuation as it applies to their name. They are very, very picky about the capitalization and exclamation point. VERY PICKY but I digress).
The Swede said we could 'assume we're a go.'
What is this 'assume' he so easily spoke of? Assume things will work out? What if they found something awful in my background check? What if someone waltzed through the door who offered to work at half my fee and had every amazing technical skills, process skills, spoke 12 languages and was the founder's close relative?
There was no contract. Nothing was signed. There was no badge on a purple lanyard.
Maybe normal sane folk would assume that network ids and assumptions meant all was a go. I am not a normal sane person.
That's the lasting gift of the last few months (maybe years). I kind of look like a normal person. Then I'll unexpectedly say the strangest things or behave in some way to show everyone I'm really not one of them. A wild look might come into my eyes. I feel more like a feral animal, cornered in an alternate world where good things just happen and things go according to plan.
Anyways, finally got the email confirmation at the end of the day Friday. I need to report to orientation first thing Tuesday morning. I should bring two forms of id. A badge will be give to me on a purple lanyard. Maybe I'll believe it once the badge is in hand. Maybe I won't believe it until I put in my 90 days. We'll see.
Guess I'm a workin' gal once again. Yodel amongst yourselves. (And make sure you pay the appropriate royalty to the yodeler or I'll sic my trademark attorney on you).
Oh boy, do I relate. Four years ago I used to assume everything would work out for the best, because it always had. Now I see danger and distress around every corner. I hope you get a string of good news soon that restores some equilibrium.
Sigh ... I really miss getupgrrl!
Posted by: Karern | Saturday, 27 May 2006 at 12:03
Story of my life as well. Having a baby was the only thing that didn't come easily to me (or at all). I walk around thinking I look normal from the outside but feeling crazy on the inside. We are part of a club. We ought to get together more often. Congrats on the new job! Can't wait to hear all about it. I didn't even know you could yodel.
Posted by: Donna | Saturday, 27 May 2006 at 12:12
Now you have me all confused about yodelling. Will you be working in Switzerland?? Please enlighten me.
I was just talking about this exact topic today with my friend about how IF colours everything black in my world. I perpetually feel like I am Chicken Little and I feel that the sky will always fall.
I miss Grrl too and I still smile about her meditating nemesis.
Better shine your shoes for Tuesday haha.
Posted by: Pamplemousse | Saturday, 27 May 2006 at 15:48
It's terrible the toll infertility takes on us. Godd luck with your new job.
Posted by: Bonnie | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 06:00
Ah, I'd forgotten that post until you reminded me. Our world is not the same without Grrl. She stil hovers somewhere, I think, I remember her posting on persephone's site when persephone had a bleeding incident early in her pregnancy. I wonder how Grrl is doing?
Your new job sounds like it will be the souce of much entertainment. Will go and Yodel! now.
Posted by: thalia | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 10:45
maybe once you get a paycheck you may believe the yodel!'s are real? (did i ! that properly?!?!?!)
sorry to dissapoint you, but the negative thoughts do not end at conception. my whole pregnancy was filled with them. i'd go down to the charles to try to clear my head, and i end up sitting on a park bench filling my head with awful things. and i'd start screaming at the top of my lungs "stop it stop it stop it no more negative thoughts" the only good to come out of it was that nobody would ever sit next to me on those park benches. . .
xoxoxox,
~daisy mae
Posted by: daisy mae | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 11:57
Yeah, I have the same problem. And then I still don't believe things even when they do happen. I got a raise last September and I *still* am waiting for someone to call me up from Benefits and say, "...yeah, sorry - that wasn't supposed to happen. And now you owe us the difference. And you're infertile, Jill. With a bad haircut."
Posted by: Jill | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 17:55
Yeah I feel like I'm the queen of the worst case scenario.
Hope you enjoy your new job.
Posted by: Sparkle | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 19:10
WOOHOO! ;-) A new job.... sounds like fun! I hope you enjoy it!
Posted by: hangin'in | Sunday, 28 May 2006 at 22:47
I find you to be an incredible optimist. This is just a bad patch. You will come back with such strength! Good luck on your new job!
Posted by: Demeter | Tuesday, 30 May 2006 at 13:38
Hope things went well today - and that you got your purple lanyard.
Posted by: pixi | Tuesday, 30 May 2006 at 13:57
Oh, I relate so much I have a tear in my eye reading this. I miss decisiveness and certainty. I wonder if I will ever know them again.
On the other hand, I will assume (hey, I guess I still have the ability for other people) that Yodeling! Inc. is going to be a good gig for you and your day was filled with a purple lanyard and new network passwords and orientation binders.
Posted by: redgemini | Tuesday, 30 May 2006 at 18:33
Wow. I can SO relate to everything you wrote. After my infertility, late pregnancy loss, and now with Lily's health problems, this just resonates so deeply with me.
XOXO
Posted by: katie_rose | Tuesday, 27 June 2006 at 17:24