And the inbetweens I've never understood

Here we go with what I like to call the broken record post. Guess that's life here in limbo land.

Millie is spending her days sitting on her ass, watching the grass grow in between taped tv shows. See, I never, ever watch live tv. I can't stand the commercials. Thank goodness for the invention of the pvr.

The mister is working incredibly long hours and super stressed.

No other news. Just waiting. Waiting for bloodwork. Waiting for the ectopic to either go away or force a showdown in the operating room. The second dose of the evil neon yellow drug caused many bad side effects yesterday. There was some pain (not enough to get me to the er, just enough to keep me crabby and worried), a really bad headache, and nausea. Lots of nausea.

Getting the second dose of drugs was a bit tough. It's harder and harder to hold it together in the clinic. I really don't want to cry there. Dr Local stopped by to answer my questions. He claims there's around a 50% chance that the second dose will do the trick. Do we believe him? Let's revisit some fun stats.

• Donor cycle #1: 70% chance of success. Actual Result: BFN.
• Donor FET # Only: 30% chance of success. Actual Result: ectopic.
• Chance of first ectopic (only risk factor back then was age > 35): 1%. Actual Result: Oh yeah.
• Chance of second ectopic: 2-10%  (risk factors: age > 35, previous ectopic, IVF)
• Meth dose #1: 70% chance of successful resolution. Actual Result: No such luck.
• Meth dose #2: 50% chance of successful resolution. Actual Result: TBD.

So it seems like when the stats should be on my side, it never works out. When something is more likely NOT to happen, that's when I seem to have the luck. So if I were a betting woman, I'd be betting on surgery next week.

The other thing I've been doing to pass the time is try to come up with a plan for the future. I'd really like for my future not to include another ectopic pregnancy. If I were a sane person I'd be moving heaven and earth to get this other tube removed.

I think it's fairly clear that I'm not a sane person. I know I should have the other tube removed. I know what my chance for a third ectopic is if I don't (50% folks, 50%). I really, really, really don't want another ectopic. If you remember correctly, I didn't want THIS ectopic. I was scared of it from the beginning even though it was unlikely.

But having the surgery means giving up the dream, the fantasy of becoming an urban legend. You know the one. The woman who had two ectopics, high fsh, only one tube and then somehow accidentally got pregnant naturally in her mid 40s (after successfully have a donor egg or donor embryo baby). I know rationally it's not going to go that way for me. For my friends, sure. I know all kinds of urban legends. That's not my fate, though.

So why is it so very hard to let it go?

I can't get this song out of my head today. Pretty obvious why, once you see the rest of it. Here's today's title quote in context (a quote out of context would be a completely different song):

Go ahead you can
Laugh all you want
I got my philosophy
Keeps my feet on the ground
And I trust it like the ground
And that’s why my philosophy
It keeps me walking when I’m falling down
I see that there is evil
And I know that there is good
And the inbetweens
I never understood
Won’t you look at me
I’m crazy
But I get the job done
Yeah I’m crazy
But I get the job done

Comments

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Ugh I got nothing to say except I am hear reading and thinking of you. This sucks. Really.

[amygrrl]

we are thinking of you over here and sent a little something yalls way that we hope will give you guys just a moment of relaxation.

IF sucks... and i think the worst part about it is that it's generally not a rapid death, but a slow demise. piece by piece you 'give up the dream'... and each time you've got to mourn what you are losing and they you have to make another dream and sooner or later give up that one and the process continues for what seems like forever. it's extroidinarily cruel...

[coloratura]

I sometimes wonder if all the 'testing' I'm now going to pursue is just a way for me to avoid the inevitable DE... so I hear ya on this.

But on the other hand, trust your instinct. Fuck the numbers and the docs and all the rest. If your body is telling you it has a miracle in it, listen to that.

I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.

[statia]

I'm so sorry that you're still being kicked while you're down. I hope that this shot worked so that you don't have to go through surgery.

[Susan / HoldingPattern]

I so know that you want the miracle. I do. I can totally relate to that idea.

But at the risk of sounding like an unsupportive jackass, think of how that miracle might play out. Even if you stop treatment completely, part of you will always wonder if you are pregnant - if this is the month. But as you and I both know, you can have an ectopic pregnancy but have a negative FRED and even get your period. So, if you are like me you will wonder if you are experiencing a rupture ever time you have gas or are constipated. Because that is how my second ectopic felt. Like gas. It wasn't even super painful. But within about 20 minutes my blood pressure was 60/18 and without medical attention I would have been dead within an hour or so. I'm just thankful I knew I had an ectopic before that all happened. Without Beta tests I wouldn't have known.

So, what if you get that gassy feeling on a plane? Or when in a foreign country? Are you able to handle that kind of constant stress? I know I am not.

I know you want to hold onto the dream and have a chance of being a "miracle" way. But if you do become pregnant, there's a >50% chance it's ectopic and for it to be a miracle you'd probably not be monitored by an RE when it happened. And therefore there is a good chance you could DIE.

So, I'm an unsupportive jackass I know. I should let you figure this one out on your own and be supportive of your decision. But when I see a friend of mine standing on a precipice, one side of which is a natural conception (a wonderful thing, no doubt) but the other side is DEATH, I have to say PLEASE get the surgery. Get those mother-fucking tubes removed. Don't risk it. You can still do IVF. Your chances of IVF working are higher without the tubes. A miracle conception for you could mean death.

It totally sucks that you are in this position. It is totally unfair. But you know that I have an informed opinion on the subject.

Perhaps I am being over dramatic. But I do know that I will worry about you every day if you keep these tubes.

[Emily]

I'm thinking of you hon. Thinking of you a lot.

[Sparkle]

Gee, this is a tough set of choices. I'm a scaredy cat and couldn't stand the thought of going through another ectopic.

I can relate with regards to the dream, so understand the grief of losing that. I've got a 1% chance of natural conception due to MFI, but because it's happened once, I do believe in the miracle (even though we MC).

It's hard when all we can do with IF is make decisions based on the percentages, and then to fall on the wrong side of the stats, it almost makes a mockery of the logic. I mean we're f***** right off the bat - to be the 1 in 6 couple to start with ...

[ankaisa]

I'm really, really hoping this second pill does the job! And I can understand how it is difficult to give up that tube even if it is causing you a lot of trouble. If it's gone, there will be no chance of a miracle. Hope. She really is a bitch!

[Pamplemousse]

Oh hon, I do not know how you are still here posting and not locked up in a loony-bin (albeit with 24hr tv).

I do not envy you this decision but I completely understand why you do not want to give up the dream. I do not pray but if I did, I would for the successful and safe resolution of this nightmare.

Psst! Woman, you are already an urban legend to us here in the blogosphere!

[Leanne in Aus]

Ben has a way with words, but what you are going through, I think I prefer the Eels "its a motherfucker" on song title alone.
I've no words of wisdom expect I'm thinking of you and cheering for you.
Take care

[thalia]

Oh millie, it all sucks. I don't know about you but I'm pretty bored with tv and I don't have the methotrexate to worry about. I'm just hoping the pregnancy resolves quickly so that you can mourn and keep going. I don't know what keeping going looks like. I know I would be absolutely miserable to lose my tubes. But maybe it's the right choice. I don't know.

[Lynnette]

I'm sorry you have to go through this "insult to injury." By the way, if it helps, I don't miss my tubes at all. Relieves the month to month pressure, and hopefully I wouldn't have to suffer what you're going through. Although they say an ectopic is still possible...? Where does it go? Anyway, feel better, and have a cupcake for me. (We had cupcakes for our wedding cake 7 years ago. Always a personal fave.)

[hangin'in]

Oh Millie, you know I'm still thinking about you and the Mister. I'm sorry.... it all sucks right now. I kicked that Hope bitch to the curb last night. She is no longer welcome in my home. Good luck, and many hugs.

[chris]

I'm sorry. And I get that, I really do.

[Ornery]

This limbo that you're in, these decisions you have to make, it's all so heartbreaking. You have been such a rock to so many others during their difficult times, and I just wish I could provide you with an ounce of the strength and support you have provided to me and others.

Please take care, Millie. I'm thinking of you.

[PBfish]

I don't know what to say about this, I certainly don't have any advice. I'm just terribly, terribly sorry that you are going through this and I'm fervently hoping this 2nd round does the trick so that you can avoid surgery.

[Roni]

I wish I could say something that would help. Giving up that dream is the last piece of what is taken away from us when we do the DE journey. But if it means that you can have a successful DE cycle without fear of an ectopic - and then do it again if you want another - I would say that this will give your body and your mind the lessor of the stressors (didn't mean to sound like a dope and rhyme).

What an awful and difficult decision. I'm thinking about you.
Roni

[Donna]

Giving up on a dream is not to be taken lightly. I'm sorry this process is taking so long and you are stuck in a pain-filled limbo...thinking of you.

[ninaB]

I totally get that you want to hang onto one tube, just in case, even if it's for the tiniest bit of hope.
I really hope this second dose does it for you so you don't have to stay in this hellish limbo.

[Bonnie]

I don't know what to say. I understand not wanting to give up the dream. But on the other hand,ectopics are very serious and I don't want you to die. Mostly I agree with Susan, though it is probably not what you want to hear.

[jan1902]

You are SO not insane to have that dream. This coming from the person who, as you know, had her tubes tied in order to have a better chance of IVF success, yet still hopes every darn month that just maybe, she got PG naturally. I think I'd be worried if you didn't have the dream.

[elana]

oh, sweetie...that dream is what you have to hold on to right now. it's totally understandable that you're not ready to let it go.

i wish i had advice or could say any better (or more) how much i'm thinking of you.

at concerts, i always scream the 'yeah i'm crazy but i get the job done' part. it's true.

(and now i can't get philosophy *or* best imitation out of my head!)

[Aames]

Millie, you're in my thoughts. Praying this incident passes quickly so you can move on to whatever the next step is that you are meant to take.

Aames

[T]

Millie - I'm sorry - it's hard not to wish for the miracle even though you know that it is just that. Unbelievably, I know three people who have gotten pg after treatment - of course, I know a LOT of IFer's. That said - I'd be very nervous too about the possibility of another ectopic. Hopefully I'm not more of a hindrance - I am thinking of you!