when the other shoe is a lead boot

I was all set for the call. Ready to grill Nurse S on the fledgling donor embryo program. Ready to trade video games for blasts.

I said "I know you've got bad news for me. Go ahead. Hit me."

She said "I don't know how to tell you this. Your beta was 15."

15 is not good. Not at all. Not when it should be 200+. Not when I have a history that includes an ectopic pregnancy.

Repeat beta on Monday. There's the tiniest sliver of a chance it could be viable. I'm going to keep up the pio just so I don't feel horrible guillt. But honestly I'm hoping for a much, much lower number on Monday.

I can deal with almost anything. Almost. But not another ectopic.

Comments

[Emily]

You're in my prayers honey. I'm sitting tight, holding your hand sending love your way and hoping that Monday brings good news.

xo,
Em

[elecriclady]

Oh, Millie. Hoping that Monday's beta brings some solace, in whichever direction.

[Leanne]

Oh Millie, I'm hoping and wishing the best for you.
Take care... Leanne in Aus

[Ornery]

I'd been holding off commenting on your last post because I was so hoping the beta would show something different from your HPT. I had no idea it would be this, and all I can say is that I'm thinking of you and desperately hoping that Monday's beta provides better news.

[tracey]

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so very sorry. I hope Monday brings peace of mind to you and the Mister.

[Anna H.]

So hoping for better news on Monday... I'll be thinking of you all weekend.

xxoo

[Cat]

Crap that's not the news you wanted at all. Hoping Monday bring you some clear answers. Will be out here sending you good wishes.

[T]

Oh Millie, I'm sorry there's no cut and dry. I will hold out hope for Monday though (how many days past transfer??) and pray for no ectopic.

[ninaB]

Gosh, I really don't know what to say. I hope it turns out okay- whatever that is.

[Fran]

Melissa Sweetheart,
Dammit! So sorry to hear this... Calling now.

xo,

Fran

[Demeter]

Oh, Millie, keep your hopes up. I am rooting for you. I was waiting for today to hear the news. I will be praying for you.

[PBfish]

Shit. I am so,so,so sorry.

[InSpring]

Millie,

Fuck.

You're in my thoughts. I wish there was something I could do.

[Erin]

I just found your blog and want to say that I'm praying it's not an ectopic for you.

I had one of those a few years ago. It was terrible and I lost my right tube.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this....it makes me so very sad.

I'm saying a little prayer for you. Good luck.

[coloratura]

Oh Millie... ahhhhh!!!! As one of the other crones said... can we just get some fucking GOOD news... just one of us...?!?! I don't know enough about the numbers mean for you at this point, do the lower ones mean higher chance for ectopic...? Shit, I hope not.

Hang in there, my dear, and I'll be thinking of you. Big hug from me.

[Linda]

Damn...I hope that your Monday beta turns everything around and that this isn't an ectopic.

[Kellie]

Hoping that your beta goes way way way up on Monday.

[Lynnette]

Crap. If that is what you wish, I will wish it with you. So sorry...God, you can't imagine how sorry...

[elana]

i'm wishing only good news for you, but i know it's hard to be optimistic. my heart is breaking for you.

[Roni]

All I can say is many, many hugs and I'll be thinking of you all weekend. Please take care of yourself.

Roni

[fisher queen]

I am so sorry Millie. I hope you get a better answer on Monday.

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Oh no. I am thinking of you...I do not want to hear anymore of the stories that make me cry...ok? But if you have one I will be here. I am sorry for the beta tease. Limbo Betas...ugh.

[Tonya]

I am hoping you get some better news on Monday, on e way or the other. Waiting sucks.

[Kate]

Damn it all to hell! That 15 reminds me of my 19, and I pray to whomever/whatever's listening that this isn't ectopic. 15 is just a lame number.

Hugs,
Kate

[tee-tee]

Oh f*ckity f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! What can I say M. This just sucks. I'm thinking of you. Ugh.

xx

[amygrrl]

hey chica... just got home and ran to get caught up on your blog. so i am totally not an optimistic person... and i know with your history, it's difficult to see this resulting in anything but big time suckage... but i just want to remind you that with avery, my first beta at 12dp3dt was a whopping 32. and my first beta with the glow worm in the room next to me right now was like 24 or 27 13dpo... so my point is.. that i think it's absolutely possible that you get a different result and we are hoping with all hope over here that you do!

[thalia]

Millie, I'm so sorry. Of course there is a small chance here, and I will be crossing everything that you get that chance, but I know this is not the right signal or the right news to get at this point in the cycle. I'm thinking of you constantly. Not in a stalker-ish way, though.

[Orodemniades]

I'm sorry.

[Lut C.]

I'm sorry you see complications looming on the horizon. This is just dreadful.

[Pamplemousse]

Oh, I hate this time difference when all I want to do is offer you cups of tea and a smooch. I am not going to go all Pollyanna on your arse but you know, stranger things have happened. I know you totally want to get it over with but let's just wait and see what Monday brings. Thinking of you, sweetie.

[Bonnie]

I'm sorry.

[Mary Scarlet]

Millie, I am thinking of you

[red headed momm]

Crap. Not that. I hope Monday brings some better news too. I'll be thinking about you.

[Milenka]

Ugh. I'll be sending out positive vibes for clear answers on Monday for you. I'm so sorry.

[mm]

Shit. Shit. Shit. Thinking of you and holding out hope (that four letter word) that this will work out in a positive way, whatever that may be.

[Pam in CA]

Oh Millie.

Dammitdammitdammit. I'm just so sorry. Thinking of you and the Mister.

[Dead Bug]

Lovely lady, I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome. You must be in such an uncertain, painful place right now.

Sending much love,

Bugs

[wessel]

Oh, for pete's sake. Why does the universe like to toy with infertiles? I'm so sorry that it couldn't have just been a clear and healthy positive. Wishing for good news for you on Monday.

[Jennie]

backspaced out a hundred attempts at writing a comment, so will go with short and sweet and hope you know the thought is genuine.

I am so sorry the beta sucked it's heartbreaking to get a flat out neg it's soul bruising to get such a crappy level. I have everything crossed that mondays test turns out as you wish it too

[Karen]

I hope so much that you get good, or at least better, news on Monday.

[Sparkle]

Sorry this is so heartbreaking. Hoping this turns out great - a sliver is a sliver.
Fingers crossed.