waiting for the other shoe to drop

Well, it's not looking good for the home team. I broke down and did some peeing today. On a stick. I'm going to wait for the official call tomorrow but I have a feeling there will be a great deal of alcohol in my near future (as opposed to just the guiness in the stew that mostly cooked off). Cosmos, mimosas and gin and tonics. Oh my!

I'm not surprised. I had a feeling it was going this way. I guess I'm at a point where I can't even comprehend that something besides 'not pregnant' would show up on the hpt. I'm beginning to believe that it will be a loooooong time until there's good news on the other end of the phone.

This negative cycle is a bit tough but no where as devastating as the last one. That one took away what was left of my optimism. That was the first time the stats had been on my side. That was a cruel twist of fate.

This one is just more bad news. Same old, same old.

The hard part now is what's next? I don't think I've got another trip to SA left in me. I'm not sure I can bear going back alone. It would have to be for 2 weeks and it would just be so much harder. I'll make a half-assed attempt to see if our donor would be willing to cycle with us again.

We're still on several wait list for donor embyos. Not to put all my eggs in one basket but I think that's going to be what we pin our future hopes on. We've always been more comfortable with donor embryos than donor eggs. We just got tired of waiting. Guess it's just time to wait some more.

Garden State comes out with a new donor embryo list next week. I plan on full-court pressure with Nurse S from the local clinic when she calls with the bad news tomorrow. I'm not too proud to beg. I'm hoping she'll feel sorry enough for me this time to kick-start their donor embryo program. It's VERY close to being a reality. We'd be near the top of the list (if not AT the top). Hell, I'm willing to supply her and her entire family with free video games for life. Think a sign "Will Take Embryos for Video Games" will work for me? Or baked goods. Maybe a combination. Who can turn down both video games and baked goods?

I might even call the other clinic in town with a donor embryo program. I know their wait list is really long but they're covered by my insurance so what the hell.

On the plus side, I can plan a trip to South East Asia this winter to attend a friend's wedding and celebrate my fourth anniversary. Since I won't be 9 months pregnant and all.

It's not over. Don't think that. As Tertia said, giving up just isn't an option for us. It's not going to break us either. Sooner or later (apparently much later) it will be our turn.

Comments

[Isabel]

I am so sorry!

[Pamplemousse]

I am still waiting for the numbers, honey. I know I exhorted you to pee but you never know, right? A small candle in the dark.

It will be our turn soon, goddammit!!! I know it in my bones.

[Hangin'in]

shit.... I'm so sorry that p stick didn't come back positive.... but I'm still holding out for the numbers.

[EJW]

I'm sorry the pee stick didn't turn out the way you wanted. It's not over until the fat lady sings, though!

[thalia]

I'm also torn between saying how sorry I am and saying hang on, let's not commiserate just yet, and being amazed and awed at the post. You are fab. Just fab. There is no other word for it.

If I had any embryos to spare, they'd be yours even without the video games (although I will take the baked goods).

[Anna H.]

Please keep us posted -- it's not over yet.

Thinking of you, my dear.

xxoo

[susie]

I'm so sorry it doesn't seem like it worked this time. Here's hoping the numbers tomorrow tell a different story.

I know you two are going to be parents. I just wish it could be sooner rather than later. Hang in there.

[wessel]

I hope you're wrong, Millie. But I know that feeling of inner certainty that the beta isn't going to contradict the peestick. I'm thinking of you.

[Emily]

Oh sweetie, you're in my thoughts... A LOT. Hanging there right with you.

Much Love,
Em

[mm]

I hope you get the (pleasant) surprise of your life tomorrow. Either way, I'm thinking of you.

[PBfish]

I really hope that the test was just taken a day too early and that tomorrow the result will be different. I'm thinking of you and still crossing my fingers...

[jan1902]

M, I am so hoping that it's just too faint to show up on a POAS test yet. I know that visit to your clinic is going to be very hard, I am thinking of you.

[Bonnie]

I'm really hoping you are wrong. Whenever it happens I know you are going to be a wonderful parent.

Also, are you sure it isn't a donor issue? It sounded like all systems on your end were good.

[Sophie D]

Im sorry. I have been lurking here to see if you would POAS, I know I would. I am really sorry - you seem to be ok (well, putting on a good front anyway) but know out in bloggerville, we are are full of hope for you.

[chris]

I'm thinking of you. Sent you an email. Hang in there.

[Kellie]

Crap. I'm hoping tomorrow brings you better news.

[InSpring]

Millie,

I know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt that you'll make it, when is the eternal question we all share with you.

You're in my thoughts.

[JennaM]

I'm sorry it's not looking good, Millie. I'm sending all my good thoughts down I95 to you...

xoxo
Jenna

[fisher queen]

Millie I'm sorry. I hope it was just too early and tomorrow will bring some different news.

[Linda]

I, too, hope that it was just too early for you to be using those evil Pee Sticks. You've gone literally around the world trying to get pregnant...it's no small feat.

I would love to hear more about places in the Bay Area that have waiting lists for Donor Embryos. We're onto our 2nd IVF cycle, and we don't have insurance, so I'm ready to have a couple of contingency plans in my back pocket.

[Pam in CA]

Oh Millie--I've been keeping everything crossed for you and will continue to do so! I'm also going to hold out for the official test.

So sorry you are in such a difficult place.

[Lynnette]

I'm sorry, Millie...I'm glad your shell is tough this time around, though. Big hugs and who knows? Stranger things have happened...

[coloratura]

yes, you will have your day...! I'm so glad to hear you being resilient... and you never know... tomorrow might bring good news... those sticks have been known to screw up... god, I hope they have this time.

[ankaisa]

Damn HPT. I was so hoping for different kind of news this time.

But I hope that your next plan works out soon.

[Tertia]

Fuck. So sorry.

Carry on fighting on.

Sending you lots of love
xxxxxx

[Roni]

Millie I'm still hopeful. You know that FETs implant later, I'm praying that your numbers prove that horrible evil totally worthless pee stick to be wrong.

I'll be checking back regularly today to hopefully hear news you weren't expecting. I am thinking about you every minute.

Roni

[Paisley]

Damn.

I'm thinking of you M.

[Aames]

I was praying for different results. You have an amazing attitude and your turn will come, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this just SUCKS! My thoughts are with you.......
Aames

[Wavery]

Your strength is inspiring. Totally inspiring. This post speaks volumes of your character.

But still, if there's anything I can do . . .

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Oh no....oh damn just damn. Hugs to you and your husband. I so wish it were different. I will be thinking of you...

[Anouf]

Millie, so sorry to read your news. Hope today proves you wrong. Anoufxx

[statia]

Oh Millie, I'm so sorry. I heard the news via email from Linda.

Fuck shit fuck.

What is with the bad luck for all of us lately? If you'd like to join us for a night of drinking, we'd love to have you. We need to plan another cronefest STAT.

[MichelleL]

I wanted to add my support. I will check back for numbers but if the stick was right I am very sorry.

This process is so unforgiving. Thinking of you . . .

[Liana]

Ah Millie, what can I say that we haven't said to each other a million times? I hope you are wrong, but if you're right, I am so very sorry. This whole infertility shit is so freaking old.

[Donna]

Your attitude is really amazing. I'll be checking back for updates...

[Lut C.]

I'm sorry you're in this place again. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the stick just wasn't up to the task.

[Jan1902]

Thinking about you today M.

[T]

I'm sorry dear Millie, keep checking for updates.

[Helene]

Keep your chin up. It took me five years to finally conceive, although I didn't go through what you are now. Sometimes I think though that just settling to this course of action and not considering any other result does a lot of good for your cause.

Keep trying.