running on empty

This weekend has been an exercise in survival. Here I thought I had it all planned out: lots of drinking and merriment and desperate planning for the next cycle. Instead there was none of that.

The mister came home from work early on Friday with beautiful flowers. To cheer up the house. He's only made me promise him a few things: when we get a postive pregnancy test I must inform him before the internet* and if it's negative I can instant message him but if it's not it requires an actual phone call. We'd never discussed what to do in the case of ambiguous results.

So I called him. I think I made the right call, so to speak.

We spent the afternoon playing our games (Websudoku for me, Animal Farm and Tiger Woods on the DS for him) and just hanging out. A lot of tv (including the first two episodes of Deadwood which were PERFECT for us) and some Chinese food delivered straight to our door. Rinse and repeat.

I'm spending the weekend in new pajamas and underwear. I realized earlier in the week that it had been a couple of years since I bought either. Last time it was an online clearance sale at the Pink Store. This time I went to an actual brick and morter mall on Thursday evening. I loaded up with fun underwear in bold prints and super soft pajamas from another place. I met the mister at a movie that night, because we seem to be stuck in a rut.

The movie was Match Point, by the way. I thought it was about a tennis player. Turns out there's a fairly long story line about infertilty. Just to warn y'all.

Anyway I'm still in my pink pjs but I realized something yesterday: the last time I got new underclothes was the weekend of my ectopic pregnancy. I'm hoping this isn't a bad omen. Otherwise these pjs will have to last me the rest of my life. I just can't chance the causal effect they might posess.

We've now watched all our Netflix movies except March of the Penjuins. Yes, we are gluttons for punishment. No, I've got no idea why we even added it to our queue except that it was during our frenzy of trying to see as many Oscar nominees as possible.

We also went to a really soothing restorative yoga class at the lovely yoga studio. It was a very different kind of yoga and I don't know how to describe it well except to say it was very soothing. It was all about release and breathing and just felt so nice to do for my soul (my body as well but mostly for my soul). It motivated me to scrape together the dough to go back there as often as possible. I really miss that place and I think it's very good for me.

I'm off to brunch with some lovely local ladies in the midst of doing the donor thing. I thought about canceling but think it's actually easier to just go. I'm trying not to isolate myself so I've been really good this time about accepting support and seeking it out a bit. I'm not sure I'm ready for public appearances and my bitterness might be a bit of a turn off. No one really told me this might not work, at least the first time around. I know that 90% of women who do 3 donor egg cycles will have a live birth. That's a great number. I just hadn't thought about the 3 cycles part until my first failed cycle.

Tomorrow will come and there may be resolution. Of course that might not happen and this ride might get a bit wilder. That's ok. The mister is just hoping we don't end up in the emergency room again. It's weighing heavy on his mind right now. Part of me is holding our for the tiny sliver of hope that this might all turn around. I know it's the tiniest of chances but it's the most that I've had in quite a long while.

Until then I'll be the one in pink pjs. Trying to pass the time and not go too crazy.

*Back in the Wedding Land days when we first started trying there were lots of posts (obviously not mine) about cloyingly cute ways to tell your partner the good news. This amused me but disturbed him.

Comments

[InSpring]

Millie, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself - the restorative yoga, the friends, and of course the Mister.

You're in my thoughts.

[Lut C.]

It sounds like you're holding up very well given the circumstances.

It's probably a good thing you hadn't thought about the 3 cycles average too much when you started. If you had, wouldn't it just have been harder to take the plunge.

I hope tomorrow brings resolution. Good luck.

[daisy mae]

hey sweetie, i'm sorry to hear that life is s u c k i n g so much lately. and hoping that maybe you have a late bloomer there.

i think i will stay in my pj's all day in solidarity.

~daisy mae

[coloratura]

that yoga class sounds wonderful... I will so be hoping that it's good news for you tomorrow. but I really love your donor egg stats... think of the that, not the scary stuff if you can...

[Pamplemousse]

You know that I am all about the PJs ;)

I have not given up on the superstar stellar embryo yet. FETs are known to have later implantation and lower numbers. I am thinking you might just have a videogame-playing slacker in there.

Brooklyn Girl was my first blog read and she had a first beta of 14 and that was a fresh cycle. OK, OK, I know I am being annoying and you can tell me to frack off and "Told you so" if it goes to crap tomorrow but otherwise you know, I'm just saying.

I know how hard it is to keep the faith when you feel that all the bad things are happening to you and that is where your friends come in. To keep the faith when you can't. I would be exactly the same but you would do this for me too.

[Tertia]

I am NOT going to say that FET betas start off lower. I refuse to even mention that.

An iffy result is effing terrible.

Fuck. sorry my friend.

No bleeding though? Odd.

Hurry up Monday

xx

[thalia]

You're doing your usual amazing job of holding it all together. I am also all about the pyjamas but my usual source has dried up, so am happy to take recommendations. Waiting with you for tomorrow.

[jan1902]

M, it sounds to me like you are doing the absolute BEST you can given the crappy, crappy circumstances. Looking after yourself, and the Mister. Your flowers sound beautiful. I will be hoping for you that the situation resolves itself tomorrow and thoughts of an ectopic will no longer weigh on both of your minds.

PS I have taken a Svaroopa Bliss class before that sounds very similar to your class - they called it 'restorative' and that was the perfect description.

[Sue]

Hi, Millie. I'm with Pamplemousse. It's soooo hard to have faith after all we've been through. But what good is the alternative? If not for faith, we would have quit a long time ago. Glad to hear you guys are taking good care of yourselves.

[Donna]

PJ's are the best therapy. Still hoping for you.

[Roni]

Thinking about you all weekend, my friend. I'm so hoping that your news Monday is non-ectopic and positive.

I'm glad about the pjs - nothing is more comforting than a good set.

Hugs to you and the mister.
Roni

[OvaGirl]

Hoping for good news on Monday, Millie, Take care.

[ninaB]

You're much braver and tougher than I. I would have spent the weekend in bed with a chocolate cake. New pyjamas are always nice..hope they end up being your good luck PJs.

[Sparkle]

Hoping you get a great result today.
Keeping everything crossed.

[Bonnie]

You and the mister are in my thoughts.

[Paisley]

I'm still holding on to hope for you dear Millie. On pins and needles all day for you today.

[Tonya]

In my PJs too this morning, and checking in to let you know I'm thinking about you. Please update when you can.