Make you banana pancakes, pretend that it's the weekend

We woke up fairly early again this morning. I'm sooooo not a morning person but lately have been waking up around 6 or so. The nice thing is I usually get a nap in before 9.

The mister thought we should follow the advice of the wise surfer sage and make banana pancakes and pretend like it's the weekend. We are pretending all the time, anyway, so it seemed apropos. They were yummy.

We, like thousands of others today it seemed, headed into the city to start our day. We got some great news at the clinic when we convinced them to try our most recent diagnosis code with our insurance company (the ever popular PREGANCY_UNCONFIRMED) and much to the surprise of the receptionist and the billing folks, we were only on the hook for a $15 copay. That was the first good news we've EVER gotten at the clinic. We figured we were on a roll.

It took a while but finally we saw Dr Italian. He of the soft, dreamy kind eyes and very sexy accent. I hoped he was a better wander than Dr Local but apparently they all suck.

Nothing on the ultrasound. Niente. Nada. Rien. You get the idea.

He's very concerned. Now we have two concerned docs. Great. It was so much easier to dismiss one but they are definitely on the same page.

They drew many more vials of blood today. One for hcg, one for my blood type, a couple for liver and kidney functions. In preparation for the possible methotrexate. The nice nurse who drew my blood asked if I could just stay in the city all day today. She didn't feel comfortable with me crossing the bay bridge.

So here's the fun part: the mister and I are still in complete denial. We're holding out for today's beta. We're not inclined to pursue methotrexate at this point, unless the beta CLEARLY indicates we should. We're hoping against hope that there's a tiny tiny chance that we have some kind of viable pregnancy.

I know we must both be completely crazy. We're normally fairly sane people, even rational. Other people have found us to be intelligent (especially him---he's very smart). But for now we think we know better than the docs and even if there's only a 1% chance this might work out, we're willing to risk a bit more.

And believe me, this is a huge risk for us. We're not normally risk takers. The thing that scares us both more than almost anything is another ectopic pregnancy. Boy, those Freud's were onto something with their defense mechanisms because that's the best explanation I've got for why we feel the way we do.

I'm not a big believer in astrology but sometimes one particular on-line horoscope seems to speak directly to me. Here's what today's says:

A winning attitude helps when it comes to having things go your way. It's amazing how much works out well simply because you expect it to. Keep your chin up and your hopes high right now.

So I guess we're back to more waiting. And worrying. With a tiny bit of hoping thrown in.

******UPDATE*******

The nurse just called with my beta level. It's 4795 (doubling time of 53 hours). Oh shit. What do we do now? They strongly recommend we come in for the meth shot. I don't think we're ready for that but are getting fairly scared. I'd like to see evidence of a pregnancy outside the uterus before I commit to that. Shouldn't we at least see a sac with a beta that high? We might be able to stall for a day or two. I just don't know what to do right now.

***Yet Another Update*****

Talked to Liana and Dr Local. Both are super smart. Both recommend radiologic ultrasound asap. Which has now been scheduled for 10 am tomorrow. At least we'll have more information and be able to make a decision tomorrow. Apparently we don't want to get too far beyond a beta of 6000 because meth is less likely to work, and ectopics are much more likely to rupture. Both bad things.

Thank you all for the messages of love and support. And especially the concern from other ectopic survivors. I know y'all get it and are scared for me in a way that I probably should be. Once again, both the mister and I are just overwhelmed by the love from the internets. Y'all rock.

Comments

[Roni]

Oh, Millie - I've been waiting and hoping that something would show on the scan. However, I'm with you. Whether it's called denial or hope, I'm there with you. I don't think it's foolish to hold out hope. There still is a chance that this is a slow starter. And I will continue to pray for this to work. Waiting anxiously for your beta results.

Look at this website - misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com

It has lots of stories of where there was thoughts of ectopic or blighted ova and many success stories. I haven't been on for a long time but it was a godsend to me last year. Unfortunately I wasn't one of the good stories then, but it's amazing how many times the docs see nothing and there's really something there. Just a thought for something that might help beef up that hope a bit.

Roni

[coloratura]

I'm still with you... denial until you have something black and white that tells you otherwise. So, so hoping that this swings back in your direction. Shit, shit, shit. I am hoping, hoping, hoping...

[InSpring]

Millie, you continue to be inspiring even at this difficult uncertain time. Today I believe in astrology too. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Red Headed Momma]

You know I'm hoping! I can't wait for that beta. I mean, wouldn't you be feeling crappier if it were another ectopic?

I love Liana's advice by the way. Way to make me tear up at work!

I'll be lurking...

[thalia]

Damnit I was hoping this would be clearly positive. You are astonishing my friend, I love that you are determined to see the upside in this. I will be dreaming about your beta results, and hoping that it's not an ectopic.

[Kate]

Please please please please be careful.

[PBfish]

I'm right there with you, still hoping. And I am so sorry that this is still so uncertain.

[fisher queen]

Millie I'll be waititng with you.

[Donna]

Still holding your hand virtually too. When will you get results from today's b/w?

[Wavery]

Waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping and waiting some more.

And really really hoping.

[Pamplemousse]

Joining in with the rest of the girls in waiting and hoping alongside you and the mister.

[Fran]

Sweetie,

Thinking of you. I echo Kate's comments too. If this does turn out to be the "unmentionable," you want to catch IT, before IT catches you. This is coming from one ectopic survivor to another...
I will continue to hope for all the best. You and the MAN are special people. I'm holding you both close in my thoughts.

xox,

Fran

[Kath]

Dear Millie, how I wish this day had brought you joy and resolution... I'm still hoping too. I'm hoping my head off.

[EJW]

Please be careful. Can you get another scan in a day or two?

At the first twinge or cramp or anything, please go get checked out.

[Aames]

With that beta score can you get a 2nd opinion? I agree, for you to terminate I think you need more information. That being said , I have zero experience w/ etopic pregnancies........wouldn't they be able to see something in the tubes if it was? Still hoping and praying...........Aames

[Roni]

Millie, isn't there some diagnostic machine somewhere that can look at your tubes without doing an xray? Perhaps an MRI or something? Why can't they check your tubes? I don't understand how they can make that decision with a beta that high, that's still doubling, without actually looking at your tubes to see whether they see anything there. Maybe I'm just ignorant, but why wouldn't that be possible?
Roni

[Red Headed Momma]

I'm confused too. It just seems like there isn't enough evidence. Fuckity fuck.

[Anna H.]

Oh, Millie.

I'm thinking of you and sending you and the Mister love.

Please know we're all here with you.

xxoo

[elecriclady]

Oh no. How confusing and stressful for you. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing. We're all pulling for you.

[Emily]

Love you.

Thinking of you.

Sending prayers your way.

[Ornery]

Oh, Millie, I'm so sorry that everything is still so up in the air. I'm at a loss as to what to do, though other people's suggestion about getting a second opinion sound reasonable. Just please, please be careful.

Thinking of you.

[InSpring]

Listen to your heart, it's guided you well thus far.

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Oh my....Worrisome for sure. I hope but that may be silly. Just do what you have to do to take care of your self.

[zhl]

I'm glad that you've got some people who can give you helpful information. I'm not one of them. Just thinking of you.

[Anouf]

Oh Millie, do take care. I really hope tomorrow gives you the answers you need. Constantly thinking of you. Anoufx

[Bonnie]

I so much want you to be pregnant. But more than that I want you to be alive. Please be careful.

[PBfish]

I do so hope tomorrow's ultrasound be the one with good news. And again, I'm so sorry that this has been so terribly stressful and crazy-making.

[Lori]

I'm glad you've received some good guidance for the radiologic ultrasound. I hope you finally have more answers than questions tomorrow - and that the answers are good ones.
I'll be thinking of you.

[Fran]

Thank goodness for smart friends! What great advice. I'm praying hard for you and The Man.

xoxxxxox, Fran

[Milenka]

I'm thinking of you often, and I'll be hoping for anything less than horrible. *hugs*

[jan1902]

I am so so hopeful for you, that horoscope says it all. I too will be thinking of you tomorrow morning.

[T]

I'm hoping with everything (and everyone) for you and the Mister.

[art-sweet]

will be refreshing early and often

hugs to you and the mister

[Karen]

I'm glad you're getting good advice, and hoping so hard for you.

[Mary Scarlet]

I've been following you in silence for the last little while and just wanted to chime in with good wishes, and lots of hope.

[Paisley]

Fuck a duck.

I wish for more conclusive results you M. I am hoping with all my heart that you have a shy little embie tucked safely away from all possible ectopic areas.

[elana]

i'm hanging on to your hope for you. and feeling hopeful. i'll check in tomorrow morning and continue thinking good thoughts.

[daisy mae]

i have no idea what a radiological us is. but i'm guessing it's something good that will show a cute little embie playing hide and seek in your uterus. or so i hope.

~daisy mae

[JennaM]

Crossing everything, and sending all my best wishes down I95.
XO

[Roni]

I'm really really glad that you're going tomorrow morning for the radiologic u/s. Hopefully it will show a clear tube and a late starter in your uterus!!

Thinking of you, and sending all the prayers and love I can send coast to coast.
Roni

[InSpring]

Oh Millie, I'm glad you're getting the attention and love you need.

[Sparkle]

It's hard to believe that with that beta there could be anything wrong.

I know very little about ectopic pregnancies - except that it is a serious thing.

Hoping that the radiologic u/s gives you the answers you need - and that the answers are that everything is okay.

Take care, will keep checking in.

[Robyn]

I wish the news was better or at least more conclusive. thinking of you and waiting anxiously for the next update!

[Demeter]

Millie,
I love your spirit and your hope. I am hoping for you that it is not ectopic and somehow, you can find the sticky one somewhere else.

[thalia]

damn millie, you know how to keep us all on that rollercoaster ride! I hope the ultrasound this morning brings clarity.

[Linda]

I am hoping and praying that they find the baby on that U/S tomorrow and that it's lodged securely where it should be, in your uterus, and that everything is fine. ((hugs))

[Tertia]

Sending you lots of love and support. I agree and fully support the decision you've made. You are doing the right thing.

xx

[Leanne in Aus]

Wishing you all good things tomorrow, take care, you are very much in my thoughts

[ankaisa]

Oh no. I'm hoping you get a definate answer today. And I'm still holding on to the slim hope that there still is a viable pregnancy!

[Lulu]

I must admit that I've been lurking on your site for the past month or so. My husband and I are going through our umpteenth IVF cycle so we empathize with you and your husband. We're both wishing for the best for you both.