keep on keeping on

I don't really have much to say but did want to tell you all how much your comments, thoughts, support and love mean to both the mister and I right now. I feel like a broken record because I've said it so many times before but it is truly so incredible to us.

I'm in a kind of daze these days. I'm still watching too much bad tv, spending much of my time on the couch. I should be honest and tell y'all how often I just hit 'refresh' or 'check messages' just to see the comments and emails. Each one means an incredible amount. I'm so very touched by all the lovely people in the computer who take the time to write and offer up kind words and support.

I would love to have the energy to write you all back and tell each one of you how much it means. You'd think with all the time I spend on the laptop that would be easy but I just don't seem to have it in me. Maybe I will in the coming weeks. Hell, I'm still hoping to send out holiday cards for last year. Who am I kidding?

The mister wrote a nice email to our families explaining the situation. I think it was the right way for us to handle things for now and am glad some of you agreed. I'm just worried that my folks are terribly worried about me. I'm not quite ready to tackle the phone yet, though.

I think the methotrexate is starting to do it's thing. I'm feeling a lot of cramping (but no pain) and just generally icky. I think with the big progesterone crash that I might start bleeding soon. I'm so grateful that everything seems to be so stable this time around.

I'm also feeling a bit detached from the whole thing. There have been tears but not as many as you might expect, though today seems to be full of tears fo far. I'm just kind of numb, going through the motions I guess. Maybe once the bleeding starts it will feel more real? Maybe I'm just so glad that we finally know for sure what's going on? Truth be told, the failed cycle in January was a much bigger blow. We weren't expecting that kind of pain and sorrow. So far we're just so glad to have such close monitoring and not be in the emergency room that the rest seems kind of easy.

I'm slowly trying to think of things/do things that will be soothing to me. The dogs are loving the longish yet incredibly slow walks they're getting every day. I'm going to another restorative yoga class at my fave studio today if I'm not feeling too emotional. I'm going to get an expensive mani/pedi soon if I get around to scheduling it. I have a friend who's offered me access to teensy puppies and there's nothing that soothes my soul like puppy or kitten time. I have a girls night out planned this weekend with the two of the strongest, smartest, funniest women I'm lucky enough to call friend, Liana and Francine.

And I will keep hitting refresh and finding a great deal of comfort from my friends in the computer. The mister and I thank each one of you.

Comments

[statia]

You don't need to write back. We all know how much those comments and emails mean to us at a time like this. Just take care of yourself.

[Kate]

Just hang in there, and take care of yourself. We're not going anywhere.

[Karen]

Do whatever you need to get through the days right now, and don't worry about anyone else (especially us!) The comforting combination of couch + bad TV has gotten me through many a miscarriage.

[Leanne in Aus]

I'm glad mister did the email, thats one less thing you now need to worry about. (except of course you are now worried they are worried, but you know what I mean)
And I totally get the power of the puppy.
I'm glad you let us know how you are going, take care, and best of thoughts to you...

[jan1902]

I think the puppy time sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm glad you get such support from all the posts here and elsewhere, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can cheer you on in some happy news.

[Pamplemousse]

Take good care of both of you, sweetie. I think eventually you become so punchdrunk with the pain and failure that it doesn't seem to hurt so bad. It becomes the expectation, unfortunately. So sad.

[thalia]

You REALLY don't need to write back. It's just the love of the infertile space surrounding you and the mister. We know you appreciate it.

Sofa and bad tv sounds just right. Anything in particular?

[Fran]

Sweetie,

My heart goes out to both you and the Mister. How much sadness, disappointment and loss can a human being take? You are certainly putting this thought to a test!

I'm sitting here in a Dallas hotel room, but want you to know that you and the Mister are in my thoughts.

I'm looking forward to our girls gathering this weekend. I know that Liana's visit will be a lift to us both.

Love and Hugs,

Francine

Millie,

I'm so sorry I couldn't post sooner, we lost internet access. I'm very sorry about your loss. I'm glad you know how to take care of yourself and begin healing, I'm sorry you have so much experience in this! I'm glad you have some great friends outside of the computer coming to see you. Since I can't visit, know that I'm thinking of you and sending warm healing thoughts your way.

[InSpring]

That last message was from me - InSpring/Avonlea - you know who I am - one of the many people in the computer who loves you.

[fisher queen]

We are all here for you. I am also glad you have some good girlfriends and puppies headed your way.

[Roni]

Millie, I just want you to be better, both of you. Just take care of yourselves. All my love to both of you. And as always, anything I can do.

Roni

[Louise]

I am glad to hear you have some puppy time scheduled!
We're rooting for you!

[UrRus]

hey there. i just found you via Pamplemousse. i am really sorry to read of your ectopic. :( i hope you are doing ok. it sounds like your husband is caring and kind and i wish you both the best and i hope you heal gently.

it's good to hear you're already on the Methotrexate. that's a good thing. the earlier the better and when it's all over don't forget to take your folic acid religiously. (assVice. sorry. and, oh no here comes a dumbAss anecdotal story...) my dear friend suffered an ectopic a little over a year ago, got on the methotrexate quickly, waited about 2-3 months for her folic acid to re-build and literally last week delivered a healthy baby boy. may you experience the same or similar. hugs

[Lori]

Write us all back? Don't be silly! Just focus on what you feel you can to get through the days. Puppy (or kitten) time is the best. Well, girlfriends are nice too but they don't always like it when you scratch their bellies. At least mine don't.
I'm thinking of you.

[Lioness]

I like the comment above, may you indeed. If you say comments help, here's another one. I often feel silly leaving comments when people do not even know me but in my experience, as in yours, every little bit helps. The pain doesn't go away but the edges are temporarily blurred. Every second helps. And often, when dealing with death, what helped the most were the comments from actual strangers - and I mean out of everything, friends and family included. Bcs they actually were strangers. I don't know if this makes any sense to you but this is why I leave comments, I'm fond of the blurring.

I don't think anyone expects you to answer any comments or acknowledge them in any way. And if they do well, they should be leaving comments to their mirrors bcs, really! You should do what comes easiest to you.

[KIMMER]

I've suffered through several ectopics myself. Just wanted to send you some cyber love. Your husband sounds like a doll, and the manicure and pedicure sound like a wonderful idea also. I'm so sorry for you loss.

[Tertia]

Sending you and the mister lots and lots and lots of love.

I am busy with the part in my book where I had my ectopic and had to do the Methotrexate. Reading through it again, I was reminded what a harrowing time it was, how complex the emotional side was. If you like, I could send you the piece. Or maybe later, when you are feeling a little stronger. Or maybe not at all. Sometimes these things help, sometimes they make it worse.

Keep on keeping on Millie, you are being as strong and brave as one can in a time as effing terrible as this.

Mourning with you.
Much love
Txx

[Bonnie]

Sending you and the mister love through the blogosphere. I don't think anyone expects you to write them back. In fact I am always impressed when a tragedy like this happens and you get out of bed despite it. Glad to hear you will have puppy and girlfriend time.

I really liked Lori's comment. Girldfriend time is good too, but sometimes they don't always appreciate you giving them a tummy rub.

[chris]

You sound like you're doing the best you can. Again, I'm so sorry.

Enjoy your night out with Liana and Francine. What luck that the wonderful Liana is in town right now.

Take care.

[Jennie]

been thinking of you and DH I hope you both can take comfort in each other, bad tv and pooch walks. take care of you, and know that the blogosphere doesnt need individual replies just shows you how much you are appreciated and liked that so many are hurting along with you.

[Marne]

Poor dear girl. We all seem to take one step forward and many, many steps back. I hope your friend fills up your house with puppies and that they make you giggle. My heart breaks for your loss.

[Bee]

Hello sweetie. You are doing wonderfully well...better than I ever did. I know how much it hurts, I do, I do. I want to say something and I hope it doesn't come out wrong...but sometimes, after an early loss, concerned people want you to get over it too fast. They'll say things that indicate they wouldn't think of such an early pregnancy as a baby and why are you so upset about it? Which is fine if that's the way a woman looks at it. But all of us should be allowed our grief, for however long and in whatever way we need to experience it. Take that if you need it. Don't try to push yourself past it too soon. It'll come back to bite you.

That said...I ache for you Millie. Just imagine me holding your hand and rubbing your back...and let yourself rest. There will be better days.

Much, much love to you and DH,

Bee

[Megan]

I'm here via Pamplemousse and wanted to tell you how very sorry I am.
I'm an ectopic survivor myself, so I know how much fun it is to grieve the end of a much wanted pregnancy and deal with the effects of methotrexate at the same time.
I'm hoping its all over quickly and that you are able to move on and heal your mind and your spirit.

[Milenka]

*hugs*

[Donna]

Keep focusing on coming up with those things you can do that soothe you. The unconditional love and unbelievable softness of a puppy is a good start.

[Dead Bug]

Millie, just wanted you to know that I'm sending love from across town. I am, as always, impressed with your strength and perspective and hope that the healing process is swift.

--Bugs

[Demeter]

Millie:

Take it easy, don't feel any obligation to respond. We are here for you. Numbness is an ok feeling to have too! Thanks for letting us know how you are feeling. Know that we are thinking of you, and sending you waves and waves of hugs.

[emily]

i just found your blog and have only read this post so far, but i wanted to leave a note. know that at least one soul is aching for you.

[Ornery]

Absolutely nothing wrong with sitting on the couch and watching tons of bad TV. That's exactly what I'm doing now, as a matter of fact!

Have a wonderful time with your friends this weekend, my dear. And remember that your internet friends will continue to be here any time you need some comfort from the blogosphere.

[Meg]

I'm so sorry. Keep looking after yourself.

[Aames]

A night out with Liana and Fran should be incredibly healing. Know that Tee Tee and I are thinking about you. You are a courageous woman...........sending HUGS!

Aames

[Susan / HoldingPattern]

Millie, I am so very sorry. An ectopic pregnancy can be so crushing, because not only are you having a miscarriage but you have to worry if every twinge is a sign of a rupture. I know what that is like and I am so sorry that you are going through it. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Please just take care of yourself, and if you feel at all like you have any type of abdominal pain, even if it feels like gas or indigestion, please get it checked out.

Love you.
Sue

[T]

Oh Millie, I wish there was something we could all do. Sounds like between the pedi and puppies you have some good therapy lined up though - toss in a massage for good measure. Thinking of you.

[daysgoby]

Oh, love. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

[Tonya]

You remain in my thoughts and I agree, don't worry about responding to notes. I doubt anyone expects anything like that, most especially if they've BTDT. I wish I could send you a hug.

[Emily]

I'm thinking of you sweetie. Lots of love to you and the mister.

[Kellie]

I hope your night out with Liana and Francine was great. I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Just so sorry :(

[patricia]

Those damn numbers. They can't even go down right.

It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself - and hang in there.