i've got this pain in my heart, that's all

Might as well get straight to the point.

It was an ectopic pregnancy.

The radiologic ultrasound was still a good call. The tech was amazing: efficient, competent, caring and most of all compassionate. She talked us through the whole thing, even though she wasn't supposed to tell us anything. There was a large mural painted on the ceiling: one huge sunflower surrounded by lots of smaller ones. It was so nice to have something to look at.

After much poking and prodding she found something outside the uterus. On the left side. Definitely not where it should be. It was strangely reassuring as there was most definitely nothing in the uterus.

Then more waiting. We wanted to talk to Dr Local before proceeding with the methotrexate. Just to know what would happen later. One of my biggest priorities is now preventing ectopic #3. He has some ideas about that. There will be another hsg in a month or two (assuming all goes well). There's some snazzy doc who does a very cool procedure to cap off tubes. That might be an option. This ectopic pregnancy might do the trick. We'll see but we'll be sure that this can never happen again.

It also gave us the chance to pin him down on the donor embryo program. I even offered my consulting/project management/process engineering experience to help create the structure they desperately need. I think they might be taking me up on it. I asked him to do his best to get his shit together so that in the 3 months or so that we're forced to sit the bench there is some real progress.

He also offered to send us up to his step-daughter in the Emerald City.  Turns out she runs a big donor egg program up there with very reasonable costs. We're not sure we want to do another donor egg cycle. In fact, unless we can get some reassurances that this will never happen again we're not sure how we want to proceed at all.

Then the very kind nurse took me back for the shots. The drug itself is a strangely glowing yellow color. She assured me that I wouldn't glow in the dark but I'm unconvinced. Two shots in the hip and that's that.

I go back in for repeat bloodwork on Friday (for a 'baseline' hcg level) and lots more bloodwork on Monday (to check hcg, liver functioning, white blood cells, etc). I may feel some pain on Friday or Saturday. I might not feel anything. If I feel a lot of pain or get very dizzy then I don't pass go and go straight to the emergency room.

When we were waiting on Friday, I saw two women leave who were crying. Yesterday,  I counted three. I was fairly sure that I'd be one of those today but so far there haven't been any tears. I'm just drained and completely spent. In a way I'm very grateful to have resolution. This isn't how I wanted this story to end but at least I can be certain in the course that we took. Now we can finally begin to truly move forward and we're not in limbo any more. I'm also getting great care and being watched very carefully so I feel good about that.

I'm trying to decide how and what to tell our families. We've been cycling on the down-low for quite some time now. It was easy enough not to tell them about failed cycles but this is different. It's so much  bigger. And I think they'd want to know. We're both going to be grieving for quite some time. We're not likely to want to talk to anyone much and I don't want there to be hurt feelings. I'm considering sending an email to everyone but not sure I'm up to that. I'm definitely not up to any phone calls.

For now I think I'm going to take my sore hips and my broken heart and just plant them in front of the tv. I've got a couple of bad movies left to watch. If all goes well I can have a drink or two on Monday.It's kind of rubbing salt in the wound that I have to abstain until then but I've got a few tisers left and some coffee ice cream and chocolate to tide me over.

Comments

[daisy mae]

oh sweetie - that totally sux. my heart is breaking for you. and for the mister. and for your dogs as well.

at a minimum, you now have some closure. not the closure you want.

at least your tech was able to find the ectopic. mine never did - so i still wonder if i took methotrexate for nothing.

jeesh - i just wish there was something i could do for you beyond shedding virtual tears and sending virtual hugs and drinking a red stripe in real life for you.

~daisy

[elana]

i am so so sorry. i wish i had more words, better words. hell, i wish i could make it all better. my heart breaks for you, sweetie. just breaks.

[Emily]

My friend, I share that pain in your heart. I'm so, so sorry.

Please take care of yourself.

Much love to you and mister.

When you're up to talking you know how to reach me.

xo,
Em

[Bonnie]

I am so incredibly sorry. I was hoping with all my might that this wasn't the outcome:(

[pixi]

Oh, Millie, I'm so sad for you. All along I wanted to believe that that there was still hope. I'm sorry things turned out this way. It's got to be unbelievably hard.

[pocket]

fuckityfuckityfuckity fuck.

that sucks.

[zhl]

Oh, Millie. I'm so, so sorry. I wish the ending were different. Please take care of yourself.

[Roni]

I just can't even find words to tell you how my heart breaks for you both.

I'm here, anytime. ANYTHING you need, ever.

I'm so sorry.
Roni

[EJW]

Millie, I'm so sorry. I wish that this could have ended differently for you.

[wessel]

Millie, I just don't know what to say. I'm sad for you, and frustrated, and outraged at the universe. I don't understand. I don't understand why the same people have to suffer bad luck over and over again.

Please don't hesitate to email me if you just want another cyber-shoulder to cry on. I'm here, even if I'm not as visible as before.

[Fran]

Oh Millie!... I just called you (before reading this post) but totally understand if you're not up to talking... Know that I am here when you're ready... You are a strong woman my dear! You and the Mr will get past this and you WILL have the baby that you BOTH deserve.

Please give the Mr. my LOVE and a Boat Load of that for you too as well.

xox,

Fran

[Chrissy]

I'm so sorry honey :( (if you want a good movie to watch try kiss kiss bang bang) thinking of you

[Anna H.]

My dear Millie, there are no words.

I am so, so sorry.

Love to you and the Mister.

[PBfish]

It's so fucking unfair. I'm just so sorry.

[Kate]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. I am relieved you are safe and that hopefully this won't turn into a health emergency. I am heartbroken at your loss...I know it too well. I wish I could help in some way. I am here if you need to talk, yell, whatever...

K

[redgemini]

Sending some cyber love and healing thoughts. I am so sorry for your loss- I know it sounds trite and doesn't begin to express the empathy I have for you, but it's all I can think of.

[Molly]

Oh, no. What devastating news. You are in many people's thoughts.

[Liana]

I am so very sorry, my friend. I was so hoping for different news. Two ectopics? That is just too odd. Gosh, I am so very sorry.

[Yellowgirl]

M--
Mostly a lurker here from your old stomping grounds (aka, CH). I've been following your recent story with excitement-- someone was finally getting good news in IF land, and I was happy to have "been" a part of it.... and then this happened. Have a good cry, but know that someone in the Southern part of Heaven is thinking of you tonight.
YG

[Sophie D]

I am so sorry.

[jan1902]

Everything I could say sounds trite, but I so wish things were different.

[fisher queen]

Oh Millie I am so so sorry. There just aren't any good words for this. You all take care of each other, ok?

[hangin'in]

shit.

I'm so sorry for you and the mister. We will be thinking of you here.

[Red Headed Momma]

Oh fuck no! I'm so pissed at the world right now!!

I'm so glad your doctor is being proactive - you should not have to deal with this again.

I totally back you on sending an email - maybe the Mister could do it?

[Wavery]

Damnit!

I'm so sad for you I can't even say. So damn sorry.

[ninaB]

I am so very sorry millie. I wish there was something I could do to help; these words seem so inadequate.

[Louise]

I am so very sorry. I was really rooting for you, and praying for a miracle. I am so sorry that you have had to ride this awful roller coaster. Blessings,

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

Oh I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could do..call if you need to talk day or night. So sad...I know. I know the story from last time. Hug your husband and yourself for me and know that I am thinking of you guys.

[susie]

Oh, God, Millie. I am so sorry.

[Summer]

I'm so sorry, Millie, so sorry.

[Paisley]

Damnit.

I am so devastated for you. Just so fucking sorry that you have to go through this again. My heart grieves for you and the mister.
xoxoxoxo

[tee-tee]

oh m...

i've written three different responses and started over again. mostly i'm writing profanity. i'm so sorry. i'm so sad. i don't get it...

sending love and support to you and dh.

xx

[Sparkle]

This is a horrible outcome, I feel awful for you.

The only thing good thing to come out of it will be if the docs. step-daughter can help you or the clinic take you up on your offer to help organise them.

With regards to family, maybe you can email one person who you're closest to and ask them to pass on your [bad] news - and to let everyone know you're not cool to be talking about it at the moment? Might be a good way of getting the understanding and space that you need.

Take care.

[Lynnette]

I'm so sorry, Millie...call me if you want to talk...

[Bastille]

M- I just can't believe this happened again - to go through it once is horrible and to have to go through it a second time just plain sucks!

I wanted to write something poetic but am so angry about this happening to someone as caring, wonderful and truly born to be a mommy a second time is incomprehensible. It just plain sucks.

Bastille

PS Thanks for the blog etiquette info email - sorry for my mistake. Please give yourself and Mr. Millie a big hug for me. Please call or let me know if you would like to get together. Sheez this now means your Resolve Group has a 60% IVF ectopic rate - INCREDIBLE!!!

[Ornery]

I am so, so sorry, though relieved that this resolution occurred without any physical harm to you. My heart goes out to the both of you.

[Karen]

I'm so sorry, Millie. It just shouldn't be this hard, ever.

[electriclady]

Oh no. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Life is so fucking unfair. I'm glad that at least your medical team has been on top of everything so that you're not placed at unnecessary risk, physically.

[Kellie]

I am so sorry about this Millie. I was hoping that it wouldn't happen.

Hugs to you and Mr.

[Mary Scarlet]

Oh no, I'm so sorry.

[Tertia]

I am so so sorry. I have stuff I want to say to you, but not now. Now is a time to grieve your little embie and all the dreams that it carried with it.

But, later, I will tell all the things that are on my mind. fighting thoughts, good thoughts.

Love you
Txx

[Aames]

Unfair, unfair, unfair! why, why why? Sending love and support.....Aames

[Boulder]

I'm so sorry. I was really rallying for you.

xoxo

[thalia]

I'm so sorry Millie. I know it was kind of indicated on Monday, but I know that there was still hope then, and now there isn't. What causes those longed-for embryos to attach in the wrong place, anyway? Someone should tell them there's a much better joint down the road.

I'm sorry, and I continue to think that you are amazing.

[swisschard]

It takes something mighty sorrowful -- this, in fact -- to drive me to comment, since I'm one of those readers who gets embarassed as soon as I start typing.
This is such sad news. If it is at all offset by the relief of a certain diagnosis, that's only because the stakes are so high. You know at this point that all you can do, and all you need to do, is to tend to yourself. Of course that's already asking a good bit.
Most of us can't help in any concrete way, and that's frustrating. I'm a few thousand miles away, so can only hope that my sympathy and solidarity, added to the pile, mean something.

[Kath]

I'm so very sorry, dear Millie. This is so sad and so wrong.

[ankaisa]

Oh no. And it really is not fair that you can't even have a drink when you need it the most! I wish I had some comforting words, but nothing I say can make you feel better. Try to hang on!

[Anouf]

Millie - I wish things could have ended differently for you - DH and I are so sorry that you're having to go through this. Thinking of you both, Anoufx

[mar]

So, so sorry Millie - just unbelievably sad for you.

For now you only need to worry about you and your husband. Don't be afraid to tell people what you do (or don't) need. If it's easier to send an email, just do it - ask everyone to respect your privacy right now. You need to take care of you now. People will understand.

[Demeter]

Millie,
I was afraid this would happen but sadly, you confirmed it. You are so brave and corageous. I hope you can ease the pain with the support of your family. I am so sorry.