One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

I really don't know where to begin this time. I feel like such a broken record.

This weekend passed in a haze. I had an obligation on Saturday morning that I couldn't get out of. It's this volunteer organization that I belong to and I'd already skipped a couple of meetings last week. Luckily there was only one annoying pregnant woman there.* And no babies. It could have been worse.

Sunday was a pretty good day. We met a couple of friends for brunch at our favorite place. They'd also been to South Africa (just for vacation--not even fertility related. Can you believe it?) It was nice to talk about the trip with people that had been there.

They did call us out on a fib. Something that James Frey would have greatly exaggerated. Something that only people who'd been on safari would even understand. They asked if we saw the Big Five.** We said we saw 4 of the Big Five.

Ok, I said we saw 4 of the Big Five. The mister hesitated. That's how they get the weak ones.

So we admitted that we saw white rhinos but not black ones. Only someone else who'd been on safari and only seen white rhinos as well would even ask this question.

After brunch we went to Home Depot. It was the first of four trips that day to home improvement stores. You'd think we would have learned after the first couple, but I guess we're pretty slow.

We spent the afternoon working on small projects around the house: the mister framed out our glass block windows in the pantry and I tried to match the stain on some new molding in the foyer where we closed up a door.

It was really nice to work on something concrete. We haven't been doing much around the house because the kitchen remodel is so overwhelming.

Finish off with some beautiful flowers sent by a friend, a couple of massage certificates that mysteriously appeared in our mailbox from our support group, a couple of episodes of The Shield to numb us, a viewing of the very funny Aristocrats*** which had us laughing, some wine and an early bedtime for both.

Monday morning is therapy morning for me. The mister decided to tag along with me. My therapist was also the facilitator for our RESOLVE support group so we both have a relationship with her. He comes with me when he needs it. We both really, really need it right now.

It was a rough session. We're both feeling so hopeless and down. We did accomplish a lot but were totally drained afterward.

We realized we need some time to grieve and some way to grieve. A ritual of some sort. We'd been talking about going to play in the snow in about a month. I think we might move that up. Getting back to nature is something that brings us both great comfort, especially the mister.

The mister called me from work that afternoon asking my advice. He was having a really hard time working. It just doesn't matter to him. He wanted to take the rest of the week off but not tell anyone at work why. I didn't think that was a great idea.

See, if you've just gone on vacation for nearly a month and you come back and just 'don't feel like working' I think that gets frowned upon. I didn't think he had to tell everyone but did feel like he owed his boss at least some kind of explanation. He did some 'splaining and I picked him up from work. He's hurting so very much this time and there's nothing I can do to make it better.

So here we are. Hanging out at home. Crying some. Working some. Cuddling with our dogs and each other. We both want to cook in our new kitchen, but have no interest in food and nothing sounds good. We might go play in the snow this weekend or head to a remote beach near us for the day. We both want to start exercising and I think he'll push me to do it. With any luck at all we'll make it to yoga at our gym tonight. Which will mark the first time in many moons that I make it through the doors at the gym.

I'm trying to plan and get to a place where I can feel the tiniest sliver of hope again. I wanna work out, eat right, yada yada yada. I'm hoping to feel like heading back to Cape Town come March or April. Those totsicles are calling to me, ever so quietly.

I need to get a job to get some cash to feed my infertility addiction. I'm nowhere near being able to interview or think about all that stuff. We're getting to that point where there are tough decisions to be made. Not enough money for what we need to do if the fet doesn't work out. And with a 20-30% success rate that's a real possibility.

I'm trying to catch up with my friends in the computer. Please know how much I'm thinking of you. And how much your words mean to us right now. I promise to be back to being a better internet friend soon.

*She's over 40 and got pregnant on her first ivf. I hate her. She even did it at the clinic I hate most here. She still seems to think ivf=sure pregnancy. She's rubbing her belly and hitching her maternity pants up. Did I say I hate her?

**The Big Five are elephants, lions, leopards, buffalo and black rhinos. These are the animals hardest to hunt and what everyone wants to see on safari.

***Thanks to a very special friend who knows just the perfect thing to send when we're feeling down.

Comments

[thalia]

Ugh Millie I'm so sorry. You sound like you are both doing incredibly well in the circumstances, but I'm sure it's absolutely miserable, and draining, and that everything just seems dull and grey.

The snow sounds like a good idea. The outdoors really cheers up my mister as well. Funny that.

Thinking of you.

[Lynnette]

I've typed and re-typed a couple of times, now, and can't seem to find any words. Really, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. {{hugs}}

[Bee]

I just popped in to check on you. I think you and the mister are doing incredibly well, so soon. All the right things -- relaxing together, doing something productive around the house, "invigorating" therapy session (grin) and exercise. I never coped half so well. You will get there, sweetie! Love, Bee

[Sparkle]

This is such a hard time, but it's fantastic that you have this writing outlet. It's incredible for people like me to read as I inch closer and closer down a similar path. It's so valuable to go thru this with you and not get swept up in the 70%.
I didn't realise that the success rate for the totsicles was between 20-30% - how can that be? I thought you only lost 1-2% in the thaw? I'm hoping you've got this wrong ;O)

[Bonnie]

Millie,
I'm glad your marriage is strong and you and the mister are both supporting each other. I can't imagine what an incredibly hard time this is for you. I agree with the therapist about the need for grieving time and finding a way to grieve.

I hope your totsicles find you soon.

[T]

Aw Millie. You do need time to grieve, don't put extra burdens on yourself (bad friend comment). It's so hard to get past the negatives, I think you're both doing tremendously well. Thinking of you.

[wessel]

I hear you. I wish you weren't having to go through this.

[Suz]

Oh Millie, I'm so sorry that both of you are in such pain right now.

[Emily]

Thinking of you and the mister right now. Sending lots of prayers and love your way.

[Lut C.]

I just don't know what to say. But I'm here, thinking of you both.

[Ornery]

Thinking of you and the mister.

[JennaM]

I'm sorry, Millie. I missed the negative post, and the one after. I'm just catching up. There's nothing to say but I'm thinking of you and everything you've been through and wishing for all good things to come your way in a hurry.

xoxo

[daisy mae]

gosh - if i knew you liked snow that much, i would have packed all ours up in the back of an 18 wheeler and shipped it out to you. we have more than enough to spare. . .

evil dook is in town. game against boston college tonight. will do extra rooting against dook for you tonight.

hugs

[Pamplemousse]

Oh, snow games! We have had hardly a flake all winter so far, sigh.

I hope you and the mister can find something to get your groove back. Farting in yoga would at least raise a titter. Thinking of you, sweetie.

[Paisley]

Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you guys so much and sending lots of love and strength your way.

[Donna]

I think this is exactly what you should be doing -- grieving, in your own ways and timetable. This is all so overwhelming and so recent, I doubt seriously I would be in any shape to go to the gym. Wow, you could be travelling back to SA next month? Incredible.

[Jen]

I just wanted to let you know that you and the mister are in my thoughts everyday. It hurts me so much to see you in this kind of pain and hurt. You've always been MY rock. You've always known just what to say when I get a batch of bad news or an RE says some asinine remark. I don't know what to say to help. I don't know what to do to help it stop hurting. I'm so glad that you two have each other to hold on to... that your relationship is so strong that you won't let each other drown in the pain. I wanted to send something to you the other day... and I realized I had never asked for your address.

I think you should most definitely go play in the snow.

~hangin'in

[Avonlea]

Dearest Millie,

I wish there was a wand I could waive to make everything all better, or to speed up the healings of your wounds.

I know how down you and your darling husband must be, I know you'll take good care of each other.

I'm thinking about you and keeping you in my heart.

A

[Nina]

Thinking of you, Millie. I am glad you and the mister are spending time together. Sending you lots of love.

[tracey]

Thinking of you every day. You and the mister seem to know intuitively the things that might lessen the pain for you both. Just take care with yourselves.

A little getaway sounds lovely - we find real relief up at Pt. Reyes. Snow sounds great too.

tracey

[mm]

Could you and the mister be more supportive and loving of each other? I'm so glad you're there for each other.

A snowy vacation (complete with spiked cocoa) sounds delicious right about now.

[fisher queen]

I am glad that you two seem to be supporting each other so well. That is a bright spot in all of this pain. I hope you can get to snowy fun v soon.

[chris]

Again, no words. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[ninaB]

what everyone else said.
please take care of yourself.

[Roni]

I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I'm so sorry you've been through all of this, and am sending {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Roni

[Corrine aka La_bride_2004 aka redgemini]

Also wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, and am awed that you both are really doing all the right things right now. I hope time is kind and healing.

[Red Headed Momma]

Is there no way they can overnight the goods, like someone else said? If one clinic can do it, why can't they? They should be able to spare you the repeat trip.

Levi does an excellent imitation of those annoying preggos who rub their bellies. It's one of his all time pet peeves.

[Liana]

I just want you to know that you are so missed, my friend. Take all the time you need to grieve, but always remember that you've got so many people out here who love and adore you.

[~D~]

Am jealous of the mister. Just had a miscarriage (7 weeks) on Super Bowl Sunday and mine still had friends (his) over for the game. Don't mind me, just in mourning here, just sad and scared and depressed. Then went out of town on business. It sucks to feel broken, it sucks all around. But am wondering if it would be even slightly easier if I had a sympathetic hubby...