not ready for prime time

I wanted to update earlier but don't feel like I've really got anything to say. I'm not doing very well. Neither of us are doing well. Ok, that's a totaly understatement. I'm not functional. I have gotten out of bed every morning but only because I force myself to drive my husband to work and take my dogs for a long walk. The dogs like this new schedule. The husband, not so much. I think he'd just rather stay in bed as well.

We're both just devastated. Our hearts are broken and we're back to beyond hopeless. It was so great to feel some real hope. It'd been years since we had that. But this pain is just so raw. And life is so bleak right now. Nothing seems to get us any closer to what we want. How much more of this shit are we going to have to go through? When do we get our break?

So, I do get dressed most days. If jeans or sweats count. Whatever is still lying on the floor and is easiest to pick up.Occasionally I even shower. Not often enough. I'm not taking my meds like I should. I'm not doing much of anything that I should. I'm not answering the phone. Hell, I'm not listening to messages. I'm not answering emails either, much less initiating them. Things are really, really bad when I'm not emailing.

There just isn't any point to doing anything.

I went out to run a few errands today. The mister had forgotten his cute little game system that I gave him for Christmas. I really gave it to him because I thought it'd help him pass the time on the long plane rides. I also knew that all the other kids at work had one. THEY all got it as soon as it came out.

We went to the chiro together this morning* and he left it in my car. He didn't ask for me to bring it by work but he did im me and say the other kids were gonna play Mario Kart at lunch and I knew they'd been making fun of him earlier in the week. He hasn't played as much as the other kids at work so they beat up on him. I've been encouraging him to practise.*

Like I said, he didn't ask me to bring it to him but he's only about a mile away and I needed some new bubble bath. He never asks for much. Right now he's so torn up that anything that makes his day slightly more bearable is something I wanna make happen.

It's been really hard for him to work at all this week. He just doesn't give a damn. He came home very early on Wednesday. So not like him. He didn't want to even go in on Thursday morning. He just didn't see the point.

He read my last post a couple of days ago. He's always known where this blog is and always had an open invitation to read it. That was the first time he needed to.

He read it for your comments. He was incredibly touched. He cried. And then he came home from work very early to give me a big hug and tell me how much it meant to him. How great and supportive you all were.

I've read all your comments as well. I wish I had the energy to reply but I just don't. Maybe soon. It means so incredibly much to both of us though. I know I've said it before but it really, really, really does. You guys are keeping me clinging to the edge of sanity.

Anyway, I went to a couple of stores after I dropped the game off. All I wanted to do was buy some bubble bath. I didn't want some pushy salesperson. Hell, I didn't wany ANY salesperson. If ever there was a time for a robot or self-pay, this was it. I tried to be nice. Truly. I told her I was just browsing. That I just wanted to look around. She was all alone and probably bored out of her mind. She was just doing her job. She kept asking me questions/ My answers got shorter and even terser and then I lost it.***

I knew I was probably better off staying home--now I know the rest of the world could use a break from me as well.

*I shouldn't admit that we get adjusted together but we do. Chris will really think we're too schmaltzy now. I'll never be able to convince her otherwise.

**Frankly I think the mere fact I got him such a cool present should count for tons of points. What other wife does that? AND I tell him to play video games more. For reals.

***I did, however, persevere, and buy two kinds of bubble bath and one kind of bath melt. I don't even know what the hell a 'bath melt' is or how to use the honey dripper thing that came attached to it. No way I could ask her after yelling at her though. Now thanks to my purchases and my spiffy tank-less water heater that ensures I can never, ever run out of how water, I might never get out of the tub again. At least we have wireless so I can still surf the 'net.

Comments

[Anna H.]

We are here with you two, dear Millie.

I wish there was something we could do or say to take this pain away. I am so sorry.

Much love,

xxoo

[Emily]

Oh sweetie, I've been thinking about you non stop. I'm right there with you right now and not answering emails either, much too depressed to do anything at this point. And I actually go to work in whatever clothes I pick up off the floor.

Sending you and the Mister my love.

[Suz]

I'm thinking of you and your sweet husband. You have my love.

[chris]

Yes, you two are schmaltzy, but that's good. I've been thinking about you and hoping you're okay. And the one thing that makes me think you're going to be okay is that beyond having a great marriage, you two have a wonderful friendship.

I know it sounds trite now, but it's going to happen. Remember what you said about the two of you always being on the same team, that you've both always known what you both want? I think about that a lot. That's half the battle from what I've seen. It will happen someday.

Take care. Both of you.

[Lynnette]

I'm sure you know how sick I am for you both. Hug each other lots, and maybe add some wine to that bubble bath. It always helps me a little. (swallowing the lump in my throat...)

[statia]

You've been on my mind this week. Again, I keep writing things down and then backspacing because it all just sounds so trite at a time like this. But know that I've been thinking about you. This is the kind of pain that you can still feel when you see others going through it after you. Even years later.

[Karen]

I wish I could fast forward you through this time to when you have hope and energy again. I still believe for you and your husband; you are such tremendous people and so dedicated to having a family, that you will find a way. Sending you all my love.

[Kate]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even though I don't know exactly how you feel, I do understand that feeling of the wind being knocked out of your chest and feeling hopeless. It will start to pass eventually. Just be kind to yourself and to each other, and I'm here if you need anything.

Hugs,
Kate

[Donna]

I hesitate to write anything because I want to be eloquent and give you hope and persuade you that we really are out here, pulling for you. Having the pleasure of actually meeting you, I can feel your pain so much through your writing and even see it on your face in my mind's eye.

[Pamplemousse]

Oh my friend. I know how you feel when you want to hunker down and ignore the world. I say to just go with the flow, although you might want to take the meds, kay? You and the mister will help each other through this and I know you can do it. Sometimes I think you have to reach the bottom before you can come back up. You know that we are all here to help you back to the surface.

BTW you have my sympathies with the salesgirls. Coming from a country where they mostly just ignore you in shops, I find it very alarming to be pursued and harried in shops. Sephora in NY?? The worst.

[Claudia]

Oh, Millie, my heart aches for you guys. I know there's no magical thing I can write that will make any of this better, but do know that I'm thinking of you and hoping these dark days don't last much longer.

[Tertia]

Sending you and your husband all my love. I wish more than any thing you weren't living in this hell.

xxxx

[daisy mae]

just want to let you know that i am thinking about you. sending you lots of hugs. i even made sweet potatoes with extra brown sugar the other night - that is how much i am thinking about you.

[wessel]

I think this is one of those times when it is safe for me to say, "I know how you feel." I've been spending a lot more afternoons in my pajamas. And yeah, DE was supposed to work. All we can do is keep on going. Hoping that you feel better and stronger very soon, Millie. I'm thinking of you, as I think you know.

[Lut C.]

I can only imagine how you're feeling right now. I'm relieved to see you still manage to post, it means you haven't fallen over the edge.

You are fabulous for encouraging your man to play video games. I don't encourage mine, but don't discourage either. I'm glad he's not into watching sporst on tv. The tv is mine.

[Lut C.]

Sporst, lol! SPORTS of course.

[Cat]

Thinking of you and sending you heartfelt good wishes. You guys need time to mourn this, surround yourself with as many comfortable things as possible and yell at the world if you need to. Whatever works.

You are a very cool partner for buying such a rad gift and the encouragement to play more games. (mega-plus wifey points for you)

[mm]

You certainly deserve a break from the world right now. Thinking of you. PS Are you trying to make me look bad by encouraging the video games?! :)

[fisher queen]

I am so sorry. I don't have anything helpful to say but will send a hug from across the country- the kind where you're free to snot and cry on my shoulder if you want. There's a big stash of chocolate hidden in it too. I hope this turns around for you.

[tee-tee]

Kiss your DH and hug your pooches. Believe me, they don't care if you ever peel those sweats off, or if you soak for days. Sometimes you gotta just gotta give into the black cloud.

Can I buy you some curry and a pot of tea?

xx to you all.

[Cat]

Oh dear. I am so sorry. I had such high hopes for you, as I know everyone who has come to know you through your writing had. I wish things weren't so hard.

[Jen]

Thinking of you and wishing desperately that I could do something -ANYTHING- to make the pain a little less intense for you and the mister.

[thalia]

Sucks. Suckage. The big suck. I'm so sorry millie. I just go on and on being sorry. I wish there was something we could do. Except send you all our love.

[Sparkle]

Totally understandable how you're feeling. It's hard to believe the 70% figures that are thrown around.
This is the time to hibernate, take your time.

[Mary Scarlet]

I'm thinking of you, and so sorry. I'm glad you gave it to that salesperson.

[elana]

sweetie, i wish i had anything to say to pick you up. but we all know there's nothing. hibernating is perfectly okay. especially when you can do it with the husband. and some bubble bath. much love to both of you

[Bonnie]

Millie,
I am beyond sorry. I wish there was something I could say.Much love to you and the mister.

[Fran]

Sweetie, like Wessel, I know what you must be going through. When the last resort doesn't work, what do you do? I really don't have any answers and when someone figures it out, I hope that they let us know... DO KNOW though that you have a neighbor - a few streets away - who's here to yell FUCK, FUCK, FUCK with you at the skys, drink margaritas, go to Weight Watchers or just sit and vent... Sigh. Take care lady!

Love and Friendship,

Fran

[Roni]

Millie, I wish I could say anything meaningful, but it just sucks as wide as it gets. I'm so sorry, and I hope you and hubby can heal together. Know my thoughts are and have been with you.
Roni

[Emily]

Sweetie I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you, couldn't stop thinking of you all weekend so I dropped a care package to you in the mail today. You should get it in a couple of days. And my brownies are included.

xo,

[perfectlyinfertilejill]

A wise person told me recently that its okay to not be okay. One step at a time, and remember, some days just showering and wearing something clean in the same 24 hour span *is* a huge accomplishment, and that is okay, too.

[Sue]

Millie - I am so sorry. I haven't been much on blogging lately, but wanted to check in on you. I was so hoping for good news. I just can't believe it. Reading your posts just made my heart break (that old familiar feeling). You and the mister take care of yourselves and don't worry about anyone else for a while.

[Bee]

Oh Millie my dear, I have SO been in that place, where the prospect of showering seems like a 20-mile marathon. Where all the voices, including yours, are hollow, and all the words are so much shredded tissue. Where you're looking up at the light from a deep black pit, and you feel no desire to climb toward it. In fact, the light hurts your eyes, so you shut them. You shut down. Depression is a soft black cushion that you sink into, and it takes you awhile to realize you're suffocating. And you really couldn't care less.

I wish there were words I could give you to help, but all I have is that hateful old cliche: This too, shall pass. Time is brutal that way. I remember after each miscarriage, how I didn't want to feel better because the easing of my grief meant I was letting go of that child, that dream. But it happens. Eventually you wake up one morning and black has turned to gray, and you can take a deep breath and start again. I wish those days to you sooner rather than later. If I could take the pain for you, I would.

And I know, I absolutely know, that you will be a mother. I don't know how long or how hard the struggle will be, but I do know it will happen somehow, someway. It sucks -- it totally effing sucks -- that the fresh cycle didn't take after all you went through. It isn't fair. But if there's any way to beat the crappy odds in this infertility game, it's through perseverance and sheer guts. And those qualities, you have in spades, once you and the mister have some healing time.

Much love sweetie,

Bee

[daisy mae]

just want to drop off another quickie note to let you know that we are still thinking of you. and still wishing there was something we could say or do to help ease your pain.

much love

[T]

I'm so sorry Millie. I think getting dressed and leaving the house are great signs.

I can't say I understand what you're going through as I've never done donor, but I have seen the end of the road because of the high fsh road block and I know how awful that particular terror is.

Thinking of you and wishing you and your husband peace.

[Corrine aka La_bride_2004 aka redgemini]

Misery must love company.

I know what it's like when you just don't even have the energy to ask "why", because it's not going to matter anyway or even lessen the pain. I almost started to cry reading this because it touched a part of my soul. Saying sorry isn't enough but it's all I have to offer, my friend, that and the hope that somehow we'll find the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a huge blow- you've earned some time to yourself. Please know my thoughts are with you, and that there's someone else down south who goes to adjustments with her husband and sometimes has a hard time getting out of her pajamas before the mailman comes at noon.

C

[Alex/Infertile Gourmet]

I am so sorry that I have not been here. I have been on a blogging break about my own depression. So sorry that I was not here to cheer you two on in a time of need. It is really awful that you were both in this bad space without hope. I know that you said you were feeling a bit better in later posts but I wanted to let you know that you have not left my thoughts. I hope your return trip is successful. Many hugs....

alex

ps It looks like S.A. is in my March future if the Prometrium brings my period on. I hope we are there together.