For most people, when they start to pursue infertility treatments, they can say to themselves. "well, at least there's always ivf." That way there's hope and a path and something with a good shot of working out.
When you have high fsh, this is taken away from you in the beginning. Oh you can try ivf but the odds are never really there for you. There's never any kind of comfort in knowing you still have that tool in your toolboxl.
When you have high fsh and you want to pull out all the stops, you go to Garden State. Or the other guy. You tell yourself while you're at your local clinic "there's always Garden State." There's still not the same kind of hope that others get from thinking about ivf but at least they'll let you cycle and give you the best odds you're gonna ever hear.
When you have high fsh, what you really tell yourself, secretly deep down is "there's always donor egg."
See, this is the only time the odds are going to be on your side. Now I'm not saying that lots and lots of women with high fsh don't get pregnant. They do. They do on their own. They do with iuis. They do with ivf.
What I'm talking about is how you keep going and what you tell yourself to feel some hope. And really, that's the fact that there's "always donor egg."
Chances are good, right? You get the stats on your side for once. And they look damn good.
70% chance of sucess? Sign me up. Two perfect embryos with perfect lining. Should be a shoo-in, right?
I'm still waiting for official confirmation. I like that many of y'all picked Door Number 1 (or even hoped for another door) but I don't have any kind of willpower or restraint. I secretly even wanted it to be Door Number 1 but that was just a device for literary tension.
Seems my nurse is off today (and I suppose this horrible dragging out of my beta results is what I get from ignoring her instructions and going in today anyway) but I think that just means no one else wanted to call me with the bad news. I'm much more than 70% sure now that it will be bad news.
I'm already checking my schedule and planning for a return trip to Cape Town. I've got 4 frozens and I suppose that's a good start. We did leave an extra sperm sample for just this scenario (that way I can go back without the mister--cheaper and I'm the unemployed one anyway--I meant to explain that before but haven't had a chance). I'm working on a plan but I don't have a lot of faith in it just yet.
So, what do I tell myself now?
unFUCKingbelievable. Can't you catch a break.
Damn.
I am so incredibly heartsick for you, I have no words of comfort other than I am so incredibly sorry.
Posted by: Julianna | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 17:50
I'm sorry. I so hoped for number one has well.
Please take care of yourself.
Posted by: chris | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 17:51
Oh shit. I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry.
Tracey
Posted by: tracey | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 18:19
Mille,
Tell yourself that you will make it work and we'll all be here to support you all along the way.
I'm still hoping for you for this cycle.
But I know in my heart it will happen for you at some point. Until that time, I'll curse the universe for making you have to work so hard to get there.
Posted by: Avonlea | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 18:22
So you had the beta and they didn't call you back? I'll kick someone for ya if you just point them out. I am sorry things look dark but will cross my fingers just in case until you know for sure.
Hugs,
Kate
PS,
Heading to the Garden State next cycle ourselves.
Posted by: Kate | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 18:50
Oh, Millie.
We're right here with you, my friend.
xxoo
Posted by: Anna H. | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 19:12
I hope you're wrong, but if you're right, I'm so sorry. Either way, what a terrible thing for them to put you through (not phoning with results)
Posted by: Mary Scarlet | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 19:56
I'm so sorry Millie. I'm hoping that there's a chance that it's good news.
Posted by: statia | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 19:59
It is JUST...NOT...FAIR.
Ok, you know me and my weird urge to make it all better (despite hating when others do that for me - you know just to keep life interesting). But I'm just going to shut up. What the fuck could I say?
I'm so pissed off at the world!
Posted by: Red Headed Momma | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 20:09
My heart just sunk.
Posted by: Wavery | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 20:11
Oh Millie honey, I hope you are wrong. WTF is up with the universe? I thought DE was supposed to be that panacea, isn't that what we're told? I understand everything you're saying. Every.word.
Thinkning of you. And will be refreshing obsessively.
Much Love,
Em
Posted by: Emily | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 20:14
I'm so sorry if this is the case. Your story deserved a happy ending first time.
What you tell yourself now is that you're planning your next trip. 70% should equal success within two goes.
Hoping you are wrong.
Posted by: Sparkle | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 21:43
Oh Millie. I'm so sorry and I so hope you are wrong. You can tell yourself that you WILL find your way to your baby, sweetheart--because you will!
My first DE was negative, but the FET from that cycle was my first ever positive (and things are moving right along in that department). We did some more testing before that FET and turned out that although my lining was perfect I had an asymptomatic infection of my lining thought to be caused by "previous instrumentation"-so that means past ART procedures. I took antibiotics for ten days and had to wait a cycle after that before continuing on to the FET... Oh, anyway enough of that...I just so wish I could help in some way.
Those frozens are very important. I'm so glad you have them! We're all pulling for you Millie!
Posted by: Pam in CA | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 21:46
I know someone has to be in the 30%, but this is ridiculous. Just plain wrong. Sending you all the good wishes in the world, Millie, and hoping jetlag turns out to be masking some really good news.
Posted by: JennaM | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 22:19
I'm so sorry, Millie. I think you know how much.
And yeah, you nailed it head on: we secretly think DE will be our panacea because that is what the doctors kept telling us. There is no infertility treatment outcome more devastating than a DE failure. Being in the 30% really sucks more than I can say.
When will you be heading back to Cape Town?
Thinking of you.
Posted by: wessel | Monday, 23 January 2006 at 23:32
I'm so, so sorry, Millie, even as I'm hoping desperately that you're wrong. I'm thinking of you.
Posted by: Suz | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 04:00
I'm sorry Millie. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: fisher queen | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 06:58
Oh crap.
I am so sorry and so pissed for you.
Posted by: Paisley | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 07:43
Shit. I'm so sorry...
Posted by: Patti | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 07:49
Oh, Millie, it can't be. I'm going to keep hoping against hope. Fuck fuck fuck...
Posted by: Lynnette | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 07:59
Oh Millie. I'm so sorry. I'm still going to hold out hope though. I have to believe that good things will come to those that deserve it. And you do.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: April | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 08:04
Oh, Millie, I am heartbroken for you. Please please please please please let the beta results be positive. I'm sorry I didn't check in yesterday to see how things are, and hoping that you haven't posted because you are still waiting (which would suck but be better than the alternative).
I am praying for you.
Roni
Posted by: Roni | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 08:33
Thinking of you. May there be a chance that the silence from the nurse is not bad news. Hoping for you.
Posted by: Cat | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 08:37
I'm sorry but I hope you get a good phone call.
Posted by: Portlairge | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 08:55
WTF on so many fronts. No call back? BFN? I don't know what to say Millie. I'm so sad for you and DH. I don't get it.
What I would do, and I know your not asking so tell me to FO if you feel like it. We left a frozen sample, and we have two frozen blast as well. I was going to go back solo if we got a BFN. I had the whole thing planned out. I was going to use the same donor and go back for another fresh. I think R gives you a break for the second time. It's such a long way to go, and the FET success rate is only 30% there. I think it's worth a thought. I'm sure right now you don't give a rat's ass what I think. I'm so sorry my friend.
I wanted to call, but don't know if you are up for it. Will you give me a call or drop me a line when you are? You are going to get your dozen. I'm sorry this wasn't it.
xx
Posted by: tee-tee | Tuesday, 24 January 2006 at 09:00