It's the holiday season which means present-buying time, right? Luckily in the mister's family we drew names this year (yay for less for me to do) and my family wanted stuff from my store. The mister and I decided that a brand spankin' new kitchen and an incredible African adventure were the best gifts we could give each other.
So you'd think I'd be done shopping, right?
Nope. There's one huge gift left to buy: the donor gift.
Now this one is a tough one. Back in the day when I was a donor, we didn't get gifts (poor me) so I hadn't thought about it much. Now it seems to be expected (much like tipping in restaurants). My agency actually encourages a gift. Talk about pressure.
What do you buy for the woman who's giving you the chance to become a mother?
I wanted to find the absolute perfect gift. I think part of me felt like it would increase my likelihood of success. The bigger part of me realized that I really want my donor to like us and maybe if she got a superb present she'd like us...she'd really like us.
OK, so reality check. She doesn't need to like us. And I'm guessing the fact that she agreed to work with us means that she does like us. More than enough. In the only way that really counts.
So back to the gift. Some recipients give personal services like massages or spa time. I think that's a great gesture because it shows the donor that we want to pamper them and give them something to take care of themselves.
For a while it seemed like the trendy donor gift was a silver bracelet with a dangling heart on it from that blue jewelry store. Everyone who was anyone was getting that for their donor.
I dunno it seemed a little too sorority/big sister for me.
That brings us to the spending limit. See, you're not only supposed to get the perfect gift, you're not supposed spend a lot. It should be heartfelt but not expensive. It shouldn't seem like you're trying to 'buy' them off. That's what the donor fee is for (At least in this country. My donor will be compensated but nothing like most of the gals here).
What a quandary! Meaningful and heartfelt but not too expensive or personal. What's a shopper to do?
Luckily I had some additional information. I knew some of my donor's hobbies. I also got to see a letter she wrote after her first donation. Trust me, it's beautiful. It helped me know without a doubt that she was the donor for us.
It led me to what I hope is the perfect gift. It meets all of the requirements. It's timeless, will travel well, is something that she probably wouldn't buy for herself, something that acknowledges both her interests and creation and is a thing of beauty.*
Now I have to write a letter to go along with it. Or find the perfect card. Hallmark, here's a whole new line for you!
If you had to buy such a gift, what would you get? Or would you forgo a gift altogether?
*I feel pretty protective of my donor so I'm not inclined to say exactly what I bought. If you really want to know, email me and I'll tell.
Sounds like you found the perfect balance in the gift you have chosen.
I would have probably gone the same route... find out her hobbies, likes etc. and focus on that.
Posted by: Cat | Friday, 23 December 2005 at 11:15
I've got to know. Maybe you can tell me when you're in town. Some of us are getting together for lunch, etc., on the 27th. You probably know that already, right? If not, email me for the details.
Maybe I should just send an email? SOrry, I'm running around like a crazy woman.
Anyway, I'm sure it's the perfect gift.
Take care. Hope to see you.
Posted by: chris | Friday, 23 December 2005 at 11:20
I love that I know someone who knows EVERYTHING about infertility. I had NO idea that you had to get a gift for your donor.
I mean, not that you ever wanted to have the title of "knows everything about infertility" bestowed upon you.
It's good to know if in the future we decide to go that route.
Posted by: statia | Friday, 23 December 2005 at 16:23
Argh! I didn't know I was supposed to do that! Thanks for letting me know.
Posted by: Emily | Friday, 23 December 2005 at 18:45
I absolutely need to know!
(and Merry Christmas)
Posted by: Bonnie | Friday, 23 December 2005 at 22:11
This was a hard one for me too. I knew that my donor loved books, as I do, so I bought her a couple that I had really enjoyed, and put them together with some gourmet chocolates into a gift bag. I found this amazing, amazing gift bag that had a picture of two little girls squatting over a little mound of dirt and one of them was pouring water onto it with a watering can. Now I ask you, could I have designed a more appropriate picture myself?? I only wonder if she noticed it herself.
Posted by: wessel | Saturday, 24 December 2005 at 08:55
Eeks ! Even more pressure ! I did know I needed to buy a gift, but have conveniently placed that information very far back in my brain. I compartmentalize things very nicely these days - as to keep from getting overwhelmed. I would really love to know what you chose for your donor... I know its perfect.
Merry Christmas, Millie-
Tracey
Posted by: tracey | Saturday, 24 December 2005 at 16:52
I thought you would have knit her something, since you are now my knitting protege! :-)
Posted by: Liana | Saturday, 24 December 2005 at 18:08
I really want to know what you will give her but I am sure it will be absolutely perfect. Merry Xmas to you and the mister!
Posted by: Pamplemousse | Sunday, 25 December 2005 at 14:37
Wow, talk about pressure. I find it odd that your agency would encourage or discourage something so personal. I'm sure you picked the perfect thing, because that's just like you.
Posted by: Donna | Monday, 26 December 2005 at 13:09