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Sunday, 07 August 2005


I'm beginning to think that you and I are actually the same person. I initially felt that we would use donor embryos because it was genetically more fair. It was like the ultimate adoption.

Yet, I realized that behind my question of fairness lay some resentment that if I used donor eggs, my genetic material would not be passed on, but Mason's would. I hated that inequity.

Over time, though, I made a gruding peace with the fact that two unknowns were not comfortable for me. At least if I know that our child has Mason's traits like intellect and I pick a good donor, one of the unknowns gets resolved and the other factor is better controlled than would be with donor embryos.

Yeah it is still not fair to me, but who ever said life would be fair? And truthfully Mason just wants to have a kid with me...period. If it fell from the sky, he would be cool with that. He certainly is not pushing to continue his genetic lineage.

But where I've come to is to ultimately accept that it is easier to use donor eggs than to wait for the right embryos. But it is a process to get past the unfairness of it all. Hopefully once I have a baby, the whole fairness issue will be moot. KWIM?

Millie, I've been wrestling with the same questions and resentments. I met my husband when I was 35 and we got married when I was 37 and started trying. He didn't dally making a committment, but yet, I can't help but still 'blame' him...if only he asked the second week we were dating, I might have had a good egg left. I know it's not rational, but this isn't easy. I definitely want to do donor egg vs. embryo because like Liana said, I want to have one known quantity and my husband is not the problem after all the tests were said and done. I'm caught in this inbetween place where I am petrified that the donor eggs won't work and I'll be at the end of my road with nothing...and that I'll get a baby and then resent my husband because it's only his genetic material. We talk over and over the same things you do. It's been very helpful for me to hear from women who have done donor egg and hearing the stories of how happy they are and how these resentments really do abate once you have your baby. Thinking of you.

I can't help you with the donor. I got the speech a couple of times because of my high fsh, but just wasn't there yet. But I absolutely hear you on not pushing the commitment thing - that's hard though. If we knew then...

Please don't hate yourself for feeling what you feel -- my sense in lurking around the boards is that it's a really common sentiment. And the fact is that you're talking about it and trying to figure it out; you're not keeping it bottled up inside.

I don't feel the resentment towards R, but that's largely because he longs for a genetic tie to his parents, who he lost when he was very young; I can understand his desire to catch a glimpse of his mother in his child's face or laugh. But if his loss weren't an issue, I'd be struggling with this a lot more, I think. Basically it's fucked up no matter what -- so much grief.

Ok, will stop babbling now but am thinking of you Millie, as you figure all of this out. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with all of us.


I think it's hard to get past the genetic connection. I'm early in the process though are cycle is scheduled for November. Somedays I'm excited about the possibility of actually having a child, somedays I'm resentful that if we are successful my husband will have a genetic connection to 5 or 6 children(he already has 4) and I will have a genetic connection to 0, some days I'm just grateful that even this option os a possibility to us,some days I'm convinced even DE will fail...because I've had 2 miscarriages and maybe even a DE baby will not want to hang out in my uterus...

It truly sucks, in ways that you can't understand unless you've gone through it..

Hang in there...

You can't get there until you get there. IF DE is right for you, you will know it.

It's a cruel world. I don't think the irony is lost on anyone that you were once a donor yourself...and that probably maes it even MORE unfair.

Sorry about alll the typos above- I had a really rough day.

It's very interesting that you post the lyrics to that song! I actually posted those exact lyrics on a TTC message board some months ago.

I felt they echoed how many TTC women might feel. That, and I truly love that song. Sarah McLachlan is one of my favourite artists. I have that song on my iPod. ;)

I can understand what you are saying. My experience is slightly different though, being that I am 27 years old and had ovarian cancer when I was 18. I had surgery and chemotherapy, and let me tell you, my remaining left ovary was never happy again after being through all that! So, I have always kept in the back of my mind for the last nine years that I may need "heroic" efforts to conceive, and I was right. This all happened YEARS before I met my husband at age 24, but I have to say, it doesn't always make the experience hurt any less. I think I was just more "prepared" than some women, who assume they are fertile until their doctor shows them otherwise.

I am of the belief that women will feel it is their biological child no matter what, if they go through the pregnancy and delivery, what could be more real than that? I can understand your struggles, I think I just arrived at my place via some "shortcuts" or something. ;)

Anyway, I wish you the best with your decisions. :)

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