yet another post

So, I've got a tremendous amount to say right now. I guess it's been all bottled up.

The mister and I are officially uncle and aunt to yet another duet. The ones with the not-so-great names (although you will soon see why that is soooooooo no longer an issue and all merrymaking about said names has ceased). They were born about 6 weeks early and are now not quite two weeks old.

Our nephew is doing really well and was able to come home from the hospital yesterday(yay to little baby boy). Our niece is having a harder time of it, still not gaining much weight and having a few other problems. We're hoping she can join her brother in a week or so. She was also diagnosed with a developmental disorder more common among older moms. Her parents are in shock and don't have much more info.

In one of my previous lives I did a lot of work with kids and adults like this and know there can be other physical problems (especially heart defects and heart disease) that can be very serious. I'm sure little girl is in excellent hands and getting incredible care. I'm sure her parents will do the best for her and truly hope my brother-in-law can step up for this. I can't imagine the stress of two little ones, especially with one of them having special needs. My heart goes out to the whole family.

You know me and books, so it shouldn't surpise anyone that in tough times I often try to find wisdom and help between the pages. I'm thinking of sending a book by one of my fav authors to my sil but really don't want to overstep my bounds. It's a personal story about a pregnancy where the child was diagnosed in utero. I read it when it first came out and was really moved by it. I'm not sure it's the right time to send it so I'll have to think about it.

I'm still reeling from the news and now forced into contact with the rest of the family. My in-laws have already been critical of my husband for not 'supporting' his brother enough. They have no idea how hurtful they've been to us. 

I got an email from my MIL and don't know quite what to do about it. I haven't spoken with her since our last horrid conversation the day I took them to the airport in December. She hasn't written to me either but apparently it's my fault. I've been working on an email to her but never quite finished it. It's definitely not the right time now with all that's going on in the family but I really don't want to just pretend everything is ok. I'm thinking I'll just ignore it but that doesn't seem right either. She actually closed the email with

How are your kitchen project and other house repairs coming along? How are you doing M?
Haven't had word in a long time.

Um, yeah, you haven't 'had word' because the last time we did you were a complete and total bitch to me. My sweet Southern grandmother always said if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. So, I'm trying to take her advice until I blast you with both barrels, lady.

I just don't want to deal with any negativity at all right now. I want to be in a zen place as much as I can. Stressfree. Selfish, if that's what it seems like. I'm thinking about calling my old therapist but mostly what I want for the next month is to hunker down and not really talk to family much at all. I don't want to work through anything or deal with anything. Just get through it.

I talked to my mom yesterday and she was really sweet. She started asking a lot of questions about the new clinic, when I'd be cycling, etc. I realized then that I don't want to tell them. I know how hard this is for my parents because they know how much we want this and even though I'm nearly 40 I'm still their little girl and they can't stand to see me in pain.

I'm not sure I want to tell many people at all. Everyone is so cool and supportive but I just don't have the energy. Sometimes the support just feels like more pressure. I know it's not meant that way.  I just don't want to have to do the updates/the education/all that jazz. I'm just trying to survive.

I'm going into this not expecting it will work. I think that's a really hard thing for most non-veterans to get. I'm willing to pay 15k to do this just to say I tried and be fully able to move on. I'm currently deeply immersed in a couple of books that are geared towards moving on. Yes, I might be the only person in my ivf cohort reading Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation and Inside Transracial Adoption but if that's where I am, that's where I am.

The other non-pregnant one from my IF group is also cycling right now and she's not telling anyone except the group and her best friend. I talked to her yesterday and she sounded sooooo good. I'm thinking of taking a page from her book.

I think I'll just tell people we've got a new clinic but are saving up the money to do a cycle there. That should hold everyone off for a bit, don't you think?

Somehow it's so much easier here. I can come here when I want to and keep it on my terms. I do truly appreciate the support and friendship that I've found here. So y'all aren't getting off the hook like the rest of my family.

Comments

[Suz]

Are you thinking about the book "Expecting Adam"? I think that it's the title, anyway. She might not be ready for it, but it is truly amazing.

[Pamplemousse]

I am with you on the not spreading the word around. I have just told my boss and 3 co-workers as I did not want to tell them before I started stims. I only told them because I will be needing time off and I want them to help cover my ass at work!

I have not told my Mum I am cycling just now. She knows we are doing it sometime but I just feel like being in my cave.

I am sorry to hear about your niece.

[Nina]

I did not tell anyone either the last time I cycle. It did relieve me of stress, that is for sure! Sometimes it is too much to go into details with everyone.

[wessel]

I think trying to stay in a Zen state of mind is a great idea. Avoid that MIL if you can!

[Emily]

Yeah honey, you stay in zen as much as you need. You be as selfish as you want, you don't need the crap your MIL dishes out.