So I just finished the first of my new books, Experiences of Donor Conception: Parents, Offspring and Donors Through the Years by Caroline Lorbach. (Technically, I've got lots of new books but this is one some folks asked about). It's been my bedtime reading for the last few nights.
I was really motivated to get to the 'good parts' because of the recent British law that went into effect regarding the end of donor anonymity in the UK. The last part of the book really deals with donor children's stories and feelings and it was incredibly timely with the change in the law.
This was just an ok book but I haven't seen anything else like it so I guess that makes it better in my opinion. It was very worthwhile to have a wide variety of people's experiences and opinions. It was refreshing to read something written by ordinary people who'd experienced donor conception. Anyone who is considering donor conception should read this book. I'm putting in on my husband's side of the bed tonight.
I was frankly most interested in the sections on telling the children and how the children felt. At this point, that's my biggest concern. As a former donor, those stories also interested me. But I was really after what worked and didn't work in the eyes of the involved parties.
Much of this book is based on donor sperm cases (because donor egg and embryo are so recent, I think). Times were very different back in the mid 20th century and you can really get a feel for how that affected the families.
The thing that this book really hit home for me is how much better adjusted the kids seemed when they knew about their genetic origins and it was talked about in their family. For the people that couldn't obtain information, their pain was really palpable.
I'm not looking to go into the whole tell/don't tell debate. I'm just trying to cautiously determine what's right for my family, if we end up going down this path. I came away from reading this book feeling very strongly that I would want my children to be able to have information if they wanted it.
When we first started thinking about other ways of family building, especially adoption, the idea of open adoption really scared us a little. We went to a break-out session at a RESOLVE conference where the panel all talked about how all adopted people had a primal pain that could never be healed. I don't think I believe that's true. At least I hope not. I have friends who were adopted and they've told me it wasn't true for them. That idea of inevitable primal pain really shook us. We just couldn't bear the idea of our children feeling that much pain.
Don't misunderstand me, there was a lot of hope in this book. The children who grew up in open environments and had some information about their genetic origins seemed much happier and better adjusted, especially as adults. There seemed to be a big difference to me in the families where there was open dialogue, acceptance and support. Many of the children talked about being involved in support groups and finding it comforting to know there were others like them.
Wessel wrote about much of this far better than I ever could. This book has helped solidify for me that I would want my children to have as much information as possible--and an environment where they know just how much they were wanted and accepted. I think that part of being a really good parent is to do what's truly best for your children and to separate out your own fears and recognize them for what they are.
I wish there was more written about donor embryos but that, too, will come with time. I guess I'm looking for a guidebook with specific instructions: just do x,y,z and it will all be ok. I think that being honest, open, accepting, respectful and loving is going to go a long way with whatever children come into my life. Like Wessel, I just hope that it's enough.
It sounds like a book I should read. I'm just glad that people are talking more about the identity issues children of donor gametes may face. A few years ago, when I expressed an interest in communicating with a prospective donor, Dr. Evil just looked at me like I was crazy and the implication was clearly "if you have to know something about the donor, then you must not be ready to do DE yet." Jerk! The psychologist also just couldn't seem to understand why DE children might have any issues in common with adopted children . . . That was when I knew I had to move along, and find other guidance elsewhere. I recently spoke to the psychologist who does the interviews for a CA clinic, and she was outstanding!! I was so impressed. She used to be an adoption counsellor. We talked about this whole issue and she said that CA, in general, tended to be more progressive. Meetings between donors and recipients are supported and encouraged if both sides are willing. I think it is better for the kids in the long run--just my opinion. But only time will tell, and the truth is, everyone will be different.
Posted by: wessel | Friday, 08 April 2005 at 06:33
I have not thought about this before but what you are saying makes total sense to me. Of course there will be feelings like those of adopted children. Helping that be part of their lives from early on certainly seems the only way to go to me. I hope this path is a fruitful one for you.
Posted by: Thalia | Friday, 08 April 2005 at 06:53
I've just ordered the new book, by Glazer and Sterling entitled "Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation." I'm sure you have this one already.
I'm of mixed views on this. I don't want my child conceived through DE to have any psychic tension or issues about not being genetically connected to me. I wish this could be a non-issue. People make so much of the abandonment issues faced by adopted children and the need to connect with their biologic parents. Will this be the same for the donor egg child? I wish it didn't have to be that way.
Posted by: Liana | Friday, 08 April 2005 at 15:51
Wessel-I think I'm lucky to be living in such a progessive state. How presumptive of that nasty RE of yours! I wonder what my local one would say. He's the very proud dad of children from donor gametes--and pretty open about it. I do agree that time will tell, and everyone will be different. I just want any of my children to be able to have what THEY feel they need.
Thalia-As you can tell I'm still thinking all of this through and it's rather new to me.
Liana-I got you to post!!! I've got the book you mentionned preordered. Is it out yet? I thought it was a May release. You East Coasters get everything before us.
I also wish it could be a non-issue, and it very well might. I just have no idea how to predict what ANY children will want 20 or 30 years from now. I wouldn't try to do that with my genetic children so I'm just trying to potentially keep doors open for other kids.
Right now I'm just trying to think through the issues and find what works best for us. I think there are tons of adopted children who don't necessarily feel the need to explore their genetic roots (my next door neighbor is one of those)-you just don't hear about those as often.
Posted by: millie | Saturday, 09 April 2005 at 00:41
Hi Millie!
I had the same reaction to that book -- the best and worst parts of it, for me, were the experiences of the adults conceived through donated gametes. "Best," because it was just the information I hadn't found anywhere else. "Worst," because it made me worry about the experiences that I was setting my children up for by getting into donor egg. It still concerns me, gives me dark moments even now that I'm in the 2ww after a DE cycle. We've decided to tell your child(ren) from the beginning where they came from, so that hopefully they will be accepting of it as they grow. I think to some extent, the way our children react to this unconventional start in life is going to vary in ways we can't guess. Some children will have a harder time with it, based on their emotional makeup. Other children won't have any negative reaction. But my very personal opinion is, the ones who have the WORST time of all are those -- both donor conceived and adopted -- who aren't told all their lives, and then for one reason or another find out in their teens or in adulthood. I can't risk that for my kids.
Interesting thoughts. Thanks for posting your review.
Posted by: Bee | Sunday, 10 April 2005 at 11:06