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Saturday, 12 March 2005


Hi Millie--(sigh) It's so-o hard isn't it--finding the way to your baby? There's all the emotional heavy lifting, the considering and reconsidering the various options, the waitingwaitingwaiting, and of course spinning out possible scenario after f-ing scenario...it's torture. Now this new FDA thing. Great.

We're doing our second DE cycle this month (as I mentioned to you in email a couple of weeks ago--that Pam--hi!) We are also pursuing adoption (domestic open). Thing is, even though these possible paths to our baby are overlapping for us right now, things were staggered at the beginning. Pursued adoption for over a year before we even thought about trying IVF (I know, not the usual order of things).

ANYWAAAYYY! Really...just wanted to say that I think it was totally OK to NOT go to the adoption seminar yesterday. Do your IVFs. See if anything comes of the "peaking" business a few posts ago (fingers crossed). You are already doing so much! And yes, keep pursuing embryo adoption if that is where you and DH are most drawn and you (like me) like having a plan B in your back pocket going in.

OK, I hope this isn't nauseating but, just have to add a positive anecdote. A friend of mine, after many unsuccessful IUIs, got pregnant on her second IVF attempt with her own eggs at age 41. (The first IVF was cancelled due to poor/basically no response.) She gave birth to her little son at the end of January--a few months after she turned 42.


Hard Boiled is a new donor egg blog on the block (although it might only be 'new' to me). You can find it here:


Hi Millie,

It is enough to make you run screaming through the streets, all these things to think about. And it's not like you can return-it-within-30-days if you make the "wrong" family building choice, eh? Not that there's a wrong choice, but you get what I mean. The stakes are so high here.

FWIW, I seriously considered donor embryo instead of donor egg (this was before the new FDA red tape). I was attracted to it because a) neither DH nor I would be genetically related to our kid -- kind of put us on a level playing field; b) it was cheaper, leaving more money for multiple attempts; c) it somehow "felt" better than DE -- after all, that embryo was already IN the world looking for a welcoming womb, you know? The kid couldn't hit me with, "I wish you hadn't had me this way..." as they can with DE.

That was the "pro" list. The "con" list went like this: a) It would take longer -- harder to find an embryo than an egg; b) I wasn't sure anyone would GIVE us an embryo; we're old, and they put you through a pretty rigorous screening that we might not pass for various reasons (nothing that bad, but in a competitive market...); c) DH already has a son and I didn't want our kid to feel like the "fake kid" compared to DH's genetic son; d) I worried about the kid's feelings, knowing that somewhere out there his genetic mother and father were raising his or her FULL siblings, the embryos that were "chosen", and e) I worried about the success rate, given that a donor embryo cycle is an FET cycle, and that donated embryos are SOMETIMES not the pick of the litter.

I can't even tell you which of those were the deciding factor that made me go with donor egg instead of donor embryo. I just remember that those were my thoughts at the time. I dunno if that list helps or hurts, but there ya go. Good luck and bend my ear if you want!


Anybody know how I can comment on your comments? Without doing it this way?

Pam~~You are so right in that I always need a Plan B. And sometimes C. I'm used to being able to control things and that's just not the case with this whole thing. Wishing you all the best on your current cycle (and adoption plans too). I still like hearing successes after hard cases. Just not sure that's going to be me.

Orodeminades~~ Bee and Wessel both have awesome donor egg blogs and Bee has kickass resources to boot. Always worth a mention.

Bee~~Your list is pretty close to mine. I think donor embryos just 'felt' right to us from the start. Then that amazing Wessel totally got to me with one of her posts and made donor eggs feel more right. I was thinking donor eggs could be resolved quicker but that might no longer be the case for us. Whatever we end up doing, we'll have kids that will know how much they are loved and all will be well. Just like for you and your family. Hard choices but all are right in the end.

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