True Confessions

I think it's high time I came out of the closet. No, not the one you're thinking of another one. One that I don't think I've written about here yet.

See I was an egg donor many, many years ago. This was back in the early days of donor eggs. It was about 14 years ago to be exact.

I had a friend who had two incredible kids through donor sperm. She told me how much it meant to her and her partner to be able to have kids and what a great thing their donor gave them.

Shortly after that the university where I worked started a donor egg program. There was an article in the student newspaper and I thought it would be cool to be able to do for another couple what my friend's donor had done for them.

So, I called up the program and applied. Lots of tests (I'm usually good at them as long as they aren't CD3 FSH levels these days), doctor's appointments, medically history, etc. There was a psychological evaluation which had me a bit worried but was mostly questions about why I was doing this, what did I think about it, etc.

I got matched fairly quickly. This was back in the day when most donations were anonymous. I don't think my recipient couple even got a pic of me as a child. They must have just had a lot of faith in the process.

Or maybe they were desparate. I remember sitting in the waiting room, seeing lots of strained faces. No one really made eye contact. There were lots of RESOLVE brocures around. Now similar waiting rooms are part of the fabric of who I am.

Once I matched things picked up quickly. I had to go to the clinic early every morning for bloodwork. I also had to go back every afternoon for shots. In fact, I spent a lot of time there. I don't know about today but back then donors couldn't give themselves shots. I had to wait in the same waiting room with couples there for appointments.

My first cycle got canceled. I didn't respond all that great. They put me on a long lupron cycle next. The couple must have been crushed. I didn't know what any of this meant at the time. Now I wish I'd payed much closer attention.

I responded much better the second cycle. I remember my best friend took me to the retrieval and waited for me. It was much different then. Everything was done in an OR. I had to wait in recovery for a long time. My friend waited right along with me. She took me home and took care of me. She was leaving for Europe soon after that for a long backpacking trip. It was actually one of the last times we spent a lot of time together. She was killed in a car accident one year later, but that's a different story for another time.

I do know they retrieved 8 follicles which held 8 eggs. Doesn't seem like much now but I know the drugs were different and protocols were different back then. The RE was hoping for 10-12 so I wasn't too far off.

I don't know if a pregnancy resulted. I hope so because now I understand in a way I couldn't back then.

See, now I'm told I should use donor eggs. That's my best chance of getting pregnant. I was blown away when I was first told that. Maybe it was a pride thing? "I don't need a donor, you fools, I WAS the donor?" I'm still not sure why I'm so resistant to donor eggs. I'm trying to be more open.

I don't think being a donor affected my fertility but who really knows for sure. I don't regret it. I try not to regret anything. I'm who I am now and where I am because of all the various choices I've made over the last 39 years.

I wrote to getupgrrl a long time ago, back when she was thinking about using donor eggs and wondering why anyone would pick her. I shared my story with her because I thought it might help. Any donor in their right mind would be estactic to be chosen by her. 

I didn't have any say in who my recipients were and that was fine with me. In fact, it's still fine with me. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable having to judge or chose. I don't know anything at all about them, except how badly they wanted children. 

Some people who know I was a donor ask if I ever think about my children. I do. All the time. But you see, they haven't been born yet.

I gave a few cells to a couple. I give blood. I'm an organ donor. I know that eggs are different but I'm very, very clear on the fact that I'm not yet a parent. If someone contacts me in the future because they share a genetic link with me, I'm sure that I'll talk to them, be there for them in whatever manner they ask, give them whatever they need but they already have parents. I didn't give a child up, I didn't give a child away I only gave the possiblilty of a child to the family that was meant to have that child (if there was one).

Back when getupgrrl was thinking about egg donors there were lots of comments from people who said they couldn't believe that someone would feel the way that I do. In fact, several posters said they wouldn't chose an egg donor who felt the way I did. I didn't come out then but I must say now I found that very troubling. Just as no one truly understands infertility until they experience it, I don't think anyone else can truly understand donating genetic material.

I look at some of the donors now and how much money they charge for fees. Of course they can do that, they have to go through a great deal. But if it's just become a money making endeavor for people with high test scores and 'desirable genes', is that really any better? Is that a trait I want to pass along to my kids? I think I'd rather chose someone with my brand of generosity (and super high test scores, btw).

Why is this all coming up today? I finally met the 2 month old twins of a friend of mine yesterday. They are gorgeous and incredibly loved. She looks a little tired but oh so HAPPY. And at peace. She said it was all worth it. She wished she hadn't waited the many years that she did and had chosen to try donor eggs well before she did.

I told her about the conversation with my MIL and she 'got' it in a way that only she could.

I'm just ready for this pain to be over. I want to be happy again. I want to be the person I once was, or at least could be.

I'm not ready to pick a donor or pack my bags for Capetown (or Spain or Canada or wherever I might end up) but I'm now at least able to talk about this some.

A couple of months ago my husband said the most beautiful thing. He told me that now someone could give me the most precious gift of all...do for me what I did for a couple such a long time ago. It's just my turn. It's not about him and not me...maybe it's just my turn to accept such an offering.

Comments

[Emily]

You and I are in the same place in this shitty journey -- thinking about egg donors. If, there's always an "If"; If my husband's sperm test comes back fine then I think that my 40th birthday present to myself (hahahahaha, yeah, just what I've always wanted) is to start seriously investigating egg donors. I can't do it here in WA because they are all closed and I want to meet the donor.

Egg donation is actually something I got my arms around o.k. I had such a shitty childhood and realized that all my parents gave me was DNA and not much more. I believe that I will see myself in my child, even though it won't be my egg because I can teach kindness and compassion and that will be my legacy.

It still hurts to know that you can't pass 'you' on but I guess I've come to terms with it because I have to and like every other shitty thing in my life, I only had one choice -- accept it or not because it's the only way I'd get what I want (a baby). It's taken me a while to get on the egg donor train because even though I've always said I'm comfortable with egg donation I guess I've always held out hope that we would still beat the odds. And it's just not happening because the reality is that every single period a new and nasty surprise (one month it's substandard rise indicating poor egg quality that month; another, it's a very short luteal phase after and excellent rise in temperature we get a huge crash on 9dop, etc., etc.).

But I hear you, I'm just ready to get myself back because it feels like I'll never be happy again.

Thinking of you and wishing you luck.

xxoo,

[Millie]

Do you turn 40 this year too? I've got a few months left but just trying to get things sorted out before then. I thought we'd beat the odds as well but I'm just feeling like they're beating me right now. I'm lurking over on the pink and yellow boards these days, just trying to figure it all out. I'm also a sister of the short luteal phase. I've given up temping and all that stuff. Ready for us all to be happy again.

[wessel]

Oh Millie, this is the first time I visited your blog and now I understand why my post resonated with you so much. And I am so glad that I found you, because I have been secretly hoping for a DE blogger buddy, and most bloggers are either pregnant or still trying with their own eggs or moving on to adoption.

I can't help feeling angry at the universe that after you did such a kind and generous thing for someone else, twice, this is how you should be repaid. I will scream at G-d for you.

Sending you blessings and clarity and good luck.

[Beagle]

Wow. I'm commenting on this post more than a year after you wrote it, but I just had to tell you how much it meant to me to read this.

We are just starting to think about DC (I havent't even really adressed it yet on my blog), either DS or embryo "adoption" and I have some qualms about what sort of reasons people donate for . . . and it was really an eye-opener to read a donor's point of view, especially from someone who now hopes to be a recipient.

Amazing, the circles of life!

Also just want to say how amazing that you were able to do that then and how amazing your attitude now.