Justifiable Homicide? I think I'd get off with a jury of my peers...

Yesterday was the anniversary of our ectopic. I guess you could say we celebrated it because we hosted our IF support group. Pretty much the best way to mark the occassion, I guess.

We only had 5 folks show up for group. If you're counting, that's only half the group. I was a little sad about it but one couple just had a tranfer and she's still on bed rest, one-half of a couple got invited to big time dinner with superhot Silicon Valley guy who wanted to "get to know him better personally." For those of you that follow technology, it's one of the Steves, and not the one in the movies. Talk about a cool opportunity.

The sad thing is that the couple that probably needs group the most right now is the one that didn't make it. She's the one with the most recent ectopic. She called yesterday to say she just couldn't deal with it. I know where she's coming from but it is a support group. It probably would have been extra hard because the 2 that were there are the preggo ones.

It was kind of nice for them because we could talk about all the fun baby things. I don't think I'm as sensitive about that, at least right now. And I looooove talking about baby furniture and bedding and all that stuff. I think it was good for them to be able to talk about it.

One of them just had her big US the day before and she's having a GIRL!! So very excited for her.

I was good and at least called my hometown clinic to check on the status of their donor embryo program. I'd been meaning to do that for quite some time. I talked to the coordinator who said they were still about 6 months out from starting it but I should call back in 3 months and check-in. She was really, really sweet. It seemed like our position had changed a bit (now we're 18 instead of 16) but she thought that was just because a couple of folks on the list were actually doing donor eggs, not embryos. My friend is now #19 (and she thought she was #17) so I hadn't lost my mind.

So, I told the group (and Jimmy at the same time) the update. It was interesting because they all asked if we were "there" yet. I said, not really but I don't really think ivf will work for us but we still have to try it. Jimmy said he was practially there. He said he didn't know if he could deal with 2 more ivf cycles either and was getting really close to moving on.

We talked a bit about donor eggs as well. I said I was still concerned about his parents and he nearly lost it. (For those of you that know Jimmy, it's hard to believe and a pretty scary thing when it happens). Basically it went like this:

This has nothing to do with my damn stupid parents. I will NOT let them prevent us from having our family or ANY INPUT into how we create our family. Do not let them have anything to say about this because I refuse to allow them ANY say in this.

Then he really got upset.

He's totally willing to cut his parents out and not deal with them at all if they're going to act the way they have been. That makes me sad and will definitely cause a showdown, but I don't think they've ever seen him mad. My mom has once and was blown away by it. His parents have nooooooo idea.

Which brings me to the not-yet-discussed last conversation with his mom:

She waited until Jimmy left for work on her last day here. Seriously, I think he'd been out of the house for maybe 10 minutes when she cornered me in the living room. She has a history of cornering me and then being really mean, in a passive-aggressive way. I realllllllly hate passive-aggressiveness.  (Almost as much as narcissim, but that's another story).

She started off all nice (BIG CLUE TO WHAT WAS COMING) and saying: We just hope you guys get pregnant soon and have a baby. We know how important it is to you.

Me: Um, well, thanks, Nice to have your support. We know we'll be parents one way or another so...We have a back-up plan...we've told you that before.

MIL: Oh? What's that?

ME: Donor Embryos. (explantion of that)

MIL: Why wouldn't you use Donor Eggs? I mean, Jimmy's sperm is fine, right? HE doesn't have any problems, right? The problem is ALL WITH YOU, right?

ME (what I should have said): I guess his problem is wasting 7 years of my 30s because he couldn't commit...back when I was fertile...that's HIS problem.

ME (what I actually said with my jaw on the floor):

MIL:Well, I guess with donor embryos you know at least the couple is successful enough to afford ivf so they're probably pretty smart. Because Nature is so much more important to Nuture....Although if you did donor eggs it would at least be Jimmy's baby, right? And have his genes? Isn't it better that it would really be one of yours REAL baby?

Then the conversation actually degenerated into a discussion about nature vs nurture, how adoption was "bad" because you never know what you're going to get and "those kids" just didn't perform as well as genetic offspring, etc. I couldn't believe it. I really got into it with her but quickly ended the conversation because it didn't matter if I convinced her. She made her true feelings about the situation know. Clearly, she will never fully accept a child we have, unless it's our genetic child. If we do choose donor eggs, there's no way in hell we can tell her because it will be Jimmy's child and not mine. Guess I'd just be the breed cow or something?

I realized after this discussion that Jimmy had no idea how his parents really felt because they always waited until he wasn't around. I really didn't look forward to telling him about our little chat.

I haven't talked to his parents since then. He hasn't really talked to them much either. He deserves so much more from his family.

She did send an email about how we should be more supportive of his idiot brother as he has to deal with another set of twins that he really doesn't want. (He had a vasectomy years ago but when his second wife was going through ivf he decided he'd do a testicular sample...narcissim always brings out the best in him. He calls it 'her little project.' He left is first wife when the first set of twins weren't very old. He wasn't getting enough sex and his needs weren't important enough.)

Yeah, right. I'm sure we'll be VERY supportive.

Comments

[patricia]

I hate your mother-in-law. But it is sort of knee jerk reaction. After all, I'm used to people saying that you don't know what you are going to get. As though people KNOW that they won't conceive a child with Down's Syndrome, or autism, or manic depression. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

But the bio children and their "superior performance" concept? That makes my blood boil. I have always "performed better" at least in all the conventionally measurable ways (i.e. standardized testing, professional success) than the vast majority of my peers. Despite being adopted. Shocking, but true. I'm sure she'd chalk me up as the exeption rather than the rule. Dumbass.

Are you sure she's not adopted? Because that might explain why she is so STUPID.

I don't blame your husband for wanting to dump them.

Oh. And that thing about your husband not willing to commit for 7 years? I have so been there. It explains why I started trying for my second at 38, despite meeting my husband at 28. But what are you gonna do?

[Emily]

I can't answer right now because I'm still busy banging my head against the wall trying to drive out that conversation you had with your MIL. OY!

[wessel]

Millie, I have a confession to make. Until I read this entry, I always felt that women who insisted on not using their husband's sperm were being a bit selfish and petty. Now you have enlightened me as to why they might have strong feelings in this direction. And I totally understand!!!! My first husband delayed starting a family because he "just wasn't ready yet." Of course, now I don't really want kids with him so I guess it was a blessing in disguise, but if my current husband had been the one to pull that stunt, I'd be saying, "um, you don't get any genetic children, because you had your chance and you BLEW it, understand?" And whether you do donor egg or donor embryo, your inlaws must never know anything. Let them spend sleepless nights from now until they die wondering if that little cherub is "really ours" or not. UGH.