It was the best of times...it was the worst of times

Man. I suck at keeping up with this blog. I'm trying, truly I am.

This cycle I'm trying to take it easy. I'm taking it sooooo easy I have no idea if I've even O'd or not. I'm guessing I did but don't really care.

I feel myself turing into bitter infertile girl more day by day. The nice thing is I've had lots more to obsess over the last few weeks. And none of it involves temping or peeing on a stick.

I'll get into all that good stuff in the next post, promise. Something to look forward to.

Right now, I can't sleep and am incredibly sad. I know it's par for the course. I haven't slept well for nearly 3 weeks now. It was really helpful when my acupuncturist's assistant told me this week that 'no baby will come and stick around if you're stressed...why would it want to stay?'

Why indeed?

I was trying to finish this post on September 1 but obviously that didn't happen. Maybe I can borrow a few hours from Hawaii?

I think I figured out the whole not sleeping thing. See, usually I love September. In fact, it's is my favorite month of the year. It's my birthday, my mom's and my grandma's. It was also the beginning of school, which I looooooved as a kid. It's all about new beginings and sapphires (lucky for me). My favorite part was picking out new notebooks and school supplies.

This year I'm really dreading it. School is finishing, not beginning. I'm turning 39, which if I were pregnant or had a baby would be no big deal, but just makes the infertile clock sound much more like a bomb that's going off.

And most of all we had this tradition in my family.

You see, my mom was born one week before my grandmother turned 25. I was born eight days before my mom turned 25 (and 15 days before my grandma turned 50). Obviously, I blew the whole 'baby before 25' thing.

But there should have been a September baby for me this year. Only it was an ectopic pregnancy instead. And while it would have been tough to deal with my due date for any loss, it's especially hard to deal what should have been a September baby. Most days it's ok, and I can deal pretty well, but I think the next few days and maybe weeks aren't going to be so ok. At least it's only 30 days, right?

Comments

[Emily]

Hugs. I so understand, especially since we're the same age (I turned 39 in June). For me, it feels like ticking days off in prison, especially after my past miscarriage. Hoping for your baby soon, really soon.

[Orodemniades]

Dude, why on earth wouldn't you be sad this September? With that kind of family history, well, I think I just wouldn't bother getting up. For the whole month. Well, maybe for chocolate, but you know what I mean. I hope something positive (heh, she said 'positive') happens to brighten your day/week/month.

[Alana]

Love to hear an update from you!