Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Insert Clever Title Here

There's so much to say and write but I am barely coherent these days. It seems that, unlike Tall Girl, baby boy is more of a normal newborn. In that he doesn't sleep much and is pretty fussy.

I've tried to post several times in the past couple of weeks but just haven't had the perfect storm of energy, quiet and motivation.

I thought our time at the hospital was hard. It got even harder. 

Imagine driving for hours and hours with a newborn, toddler, birthmom, way too much crap and 2 semi-conscious adults. The mister and I took turns sitting BETWEEN the car seats in the back and driving. The lucky passenger in the back of our small SUV had bags at their feet AND one in their lap. Oh the joys.

It got better when we stopped for the night and all five of us shared one hotel room. WTH was the mister thinking when he plopped down his credit card? I'm guessing it was "I can't drive 20 feet to the next motel and how bad could it really be?"

Bad. Very very bad. Toddler crying. Baby crying. No one sleeping. Great preparation for another long day in the car.

But the next day brought us HOME. What a relief! Tall Girl was happy to see her friends and neighbors and "MY PURPLE CAR". I was thrilled to see my very own shower and my very own bed. 

As previously stated, our house is small. Very very small. I hope to write more about that time with Sydney but it was not the easiest of times. There was lots of deep breathing and counting down to her plane.

Then baby boy got sick. We saw our regular ped on the Friday we got home. Baby boy had a slight fever Sunday night which we all took very seriously. Meningitis was never completely ruled out so all the doctors were very cautious. The mister had to take him to the ER in the middle of the night. Then he was a bit better. On Tuesday, the fever came back and the on call doctor at our practice wanted us to bring him in. And she wanted us to see our ped the next day (Wednesday). Thursday he had his consult with the cardiologist.

What cardiologist you might be asking yourself? The one we needed to check out his small ASD (atrial septal defect). I always say "the only thing better than ER trips and lots of time at the regular pediatrician's is to throw a cardiology workup into the mix". Cause that doesn't add much stress, right?

And during this time Tall Girl started preschool, Sydney left to fly to her folks and we still weren't getting any sleep.

That Friday did not involve any doctors. Woo hoo!

I can't say the same about this week but there were only 2 appointments. One was his well baby check up. One I am far from being ready to talk about here because it's more complicated.  But trust me there's a lot I'll need to talk about in a few months and this will be a good place to do just that.

I know this is really disjointed. I'm not quite covering what I wanted to cover but more spewing out a more factual update of what's happened since I last wrote.

There's still time for the emotional part, right? It's not like that's going anywhere. It's been a challenging transition for all of us. The mister and I are struggling to get through the day to day bits. Tall Girl is doing remarkably well but it's clear on days when it's just me and both kids that the attention shift is really hard on her. It's also been hard on Sydney. She's recovering from a c-section, worried about baby boy and his medical issues and having to transition back to home and to a new role with all of us. I think it's hard on Ms FoodNetwork as well. Until this week, she'd been pretty checked out from us. 

But it's not all gloom and doom. Last weekend we went to TWO birthday parties! With both kids! The mister is back at work on MWF and I survived 3 of those already! This morning a dear friend from my RESOLVE group came over with her own second miracle baby and this afternoon awesome friends from our adoption community came for a playdate and brought Chinese.

We have so much love and support and we need that now (and will need it in the coming months). We are home and that feels great. A family of four. My son is sleeping a few feet away. Bliss.

 

Released!!

I promise not to bury the lead: baby boy is leaving the hospital this afternoon!!!

We are all so thrilled and relieved. Yesterday it was a bit questionable whether or not he would get discharged as planned because his numbers weren't quite where the local ped wanted them.

It seems like for the past nine years so much of my life has been determined by numbers that weren't quite where anyone wanted them. In the early days it was a short luteal phase. Then it was that horrible high FSH. Then all the numbers associated with each cycle: E2, P4, follicles and their sizes, lining. Next were embryos with their cell numbers and grading. After that came the betas: zero, too low, questionable doubling times. Then watching the betas come down during my last ectopic pregnancy.

When we moved to adoption, we lost our number obsession for quite some time. Until the night after baby boy was born.

Since then we've lived from vitals check to vitals check. We obsessively charted his respiratory rate and oxygenation level. Normal neonates breathe anywhere from 30-55 times per minute. It's often higher at birth but settles down with the first 12 hours. That wasn't the case for baby boy.

His rate was around 90-100. And stayed there. It slowly came down as the antibiotics started doing their thing. It's now mostly in the 50s but it's been a long slow downward trend.

The other critical-to-us number was his CRP (at least I think that's what it's called). His was at 18.9 the first time it was checked. Optimally it should be lower than 1.

We knew he looked dramatically better and seemed to be doing awesome. We were all very surprised when is CRP was only down to 6.4 yesterday. That resulted in numerous phone calls and consults and discussion yesterday. We were relieved when the decision was made to continue with the plan. Any extension in treatment would mean transferring to the nearest NICU and we just want to go home.

So now we are killing time until his last small antibiotic shot here in the hospital Then they take out his iv!! It will be the first time in 11 days he doesn't have an iv in his tiny hand or foot.

Our favorite nurse is on duty and spending lots of time with us. She's loading us up with all kinds of treats. We are taking lots and lots of photos with all these special people.

Soon we head to the lake house. Baby boy will breathe fresh air for the first time in his life. He will get to feel the sub o. His skin. Yay for that!

The next glitch might be ICPC or the Interstate Compact for the Protection of Children. Our lawyer has been all over this. Our local ICPC office has been super responsive. The Beaver State office? Not so much.

We really hope to get clearance in time to head home on Thursday but honestly it might be days or a week. Last night we explained this all to Sydney again. She visibly crumbled.

There is just so much for all of us to process and so much is completely out of our control. The mister and I are used to this but Sydney is still a newbie. She has had one serious crash course over the past couple of weeks in being flexible and recognizing what little control any of us have over certain things.

So while we are all immensely grateful we get to ALL head to the lake house today, we are asking the universe (and the Great Beaver State) for a break.

Leaves, Watching Them Blow in the Trees

It seems like the only songs I hear these days are Yo Gabba Gabba songs. This is partly because Tall Girl is completely obsessed with YGG and also because some dear friends gave us one of the cds for Tall Girl's second birthday.

She rides to and from the hospital a couple of times a day and almost always asks for Gabba. It makes her happy and keeps her from crying. We all listen to a lot of Gabba.

This is from one of her favorite songs. Well, she also loves the "Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle" song more than most. But this is from Beautiful Day. And Tall Girl thinks every day is a beautiful day.

When we first head outside each day, she looks around and exclaims "Beautiful Day, mama! It's a beautiful day!" And she's right. No matter what the weather is EVERY day is a beautiful day.

I'm so glad I have this girl and this man and this boy. And this blog to come and vent to where you are all way too understanding.

I got some crying done the other night and got some good times with friends, on the computer and on the phone. I needed all of that.

Last night was my night at the hospital. Sydney and I were hanging out in my room, watching movies and watching baby boy sleep. She gingerly mentioned it was time to buy a ticket home for her.

That was the start of a poignant conversation. There is just so very much to talk about and sort through.

This was never part of our plan and so we need to talk through it all. I wanted her to know what her options are and get a sense for what she thinks she needs. I overwhelmed her with possibilities and said the three of us needed to just talk through it all and figure out a plan that worked.

She's looking forward to going to the monthly meeting at our consultant's but said she's worried that it will be "sad". I told her I think it will be lots and lots of things. It will be sad and happy and validating and a relief to be with people who get it - all the parts of what we're going through.

We talked about some of our options for the time we're together, things she hadn't thought she wanted or perhaps been afraid to let her self want. Things like maybe she and baby boy have some time together, just the two of them. That's something we've always wanted for the two of them and I'm so glad she wants that now as well.

And we talked about how no matter what happened during our time together, it was going to be sad and hard on all of us to take her to the airport. It doesn't mean she regrets her decision or wants to parent, just the truth of what willl happen when that day comes.

So on this beautiful Sunday we talked with the mister and came up with a plan we all like. A plan that involves time together, time with our adoption community, time for Sydney to be alone with her baby outside of a hospital, time for Sydney to do the tourist thing she wanted to do so badly on her previous visit, time for the mister and I to take Tall Girl to preschool and focus only on her, and time for us to take Sydney to the airport. There's also time after that for the mister and I to focus on our new little family before he has to go back to work.

If all continues to go well, baby boy will come home to this lake house in two days. He'll get to finally feel the sun on his skin and watch the leaves blow in the trees. It will be the most beautiful day.

The One Where Millie Nearly Loses It : The Sequel

So back the other day when I thought I was losing it, I was still pretty damn functional. I still am, on the outside, to most observers.

But I'm stretched mighty then and have no reserve. None. Like seriously if one tiny freakin' thing doesn't go my way I'm soooo going to snap.

I'm incredibly grateful that baby boy is thriving. He's looking great, eating great, acting great, etc. The staff is amazing. Many parts of this are actually very easy.

But I miss the mister. And I miss being with the mister and Tall Girl. The mister and I are taking shifts at the hospital and barely see each other. We're trying to keep things somewhat normal for Tall Girl but that's incredibly hard. I guess right now we're just trying to at least make sure she has some fun every day and gets to sleep in our lake house for all her naps and nights.

Tonight is my night at the lake house. At least tonight she didn't start crying when we got back like she did Wednesday night "I miss my daddy. I wannt daddy HERE. Where is daddy?" We ate some cake and she went to bed and fell into a deep, hard sleep.

Tomorrow we'll wake up and eat breakfast and shower. We might watch tv a bit (she's been watching way too much tv but that's all we've got) and play. Then we'll head to the hospital. 

When she gets to the hospital, Tall Girl knows the way to our room. She greets everyone along the path (and it's a fairly long circuitous one) and loves pushing the elevator buttons. It's a weird hospital because you come in on the 3rd floor and head down to 2. She runs down the hallway in her adorable can't-yet-bend-her-knees-while-running form. She uses both hands to open the big security door to the Family Birthing Center and starts yelling "I'm back..I'm back...Where are you?" in her sweet, high voice. 

We'll all be together for about 30 precious minutes before it'll be time for the mister and Tall Girl to leave.  They'll maybe have time to stop at the park for 10-15 minutes then come home for a nap. Then he'll feed her lunch and they'll head back in or run some errands. We might all be together for an hour or a bit more.  Then the mister and Tall Girl will leave to come back to the lake house while Baby Boy and I will settle in for the night.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It's sometimes easy to forget he's technically a NICU baby. He's in the room with us most of the time. His little hands are covered with his lap gown so we don't mess up the iv port. He gets antibiotics at the start of the day and the end of the day: 9:30 and 5:30 (guess he'll be a banker with those hours). Then it's a bit more intense during the middle of the night. One of his drugs gets delivered via a pump and it takes a bit over an hour to pump it all in. The nurses also check his vitals every couple of hours and we anxiously watch his respiratory rate and hope it's still down where it needs to be. 

Today Tall Girl and Sydney and I went to a large local park and fed the ducks (mostly the seagulls and a few hyperagressive geese) and picked up dinner for all of us.

While we were heading to the park, Sydney was talking to her sister. I was trying not to eavesdrop (Really! I SWEAR!) but that's pretty impossible to do when someone is right next to you in a car.

She was talkiing about when she'd be returning home.

Now we've been through a lot of plans. But the most recent plan was that if all went well and baby boy is discharged Tuesday we'll have his first followup here Wednesday or Thursday, Sydney's two week follow-up on the same day, start driving south on Thursday, get home by early afternoon on Friday so baby boy can have his first appointment with our ped that day and we can make sure he doesn't need more antibiotics. Then we'll all head over to our adoption consultant's monthly meeting on Saturday, have a lovely day together on Sunday and Sydney will fly home Monday or Tuesday (oh and Tall Girl's first day of preschool is Tuesday so even more transition for her).

That was our plan. We all agreed to it.

Imagine my surprise when Sydney said to her sister (back when I was trying very hard not to listen in) that we'll get to our house on Friday and she'll stay for a "week or two to see him settled in".

A week or two and 3-4 days are realllllly different in my book. And that's where I nearly lost it. I think I kept it together fairly well but probably not nearly as well as I would have liked.

We played at the park and I dropped Sydney and Tall Girl off at a restaurant to order our take-out dinner while I went to the grocery story to buy diapers. And call the mister and say "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU SAY AND WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR MIND?"

He was a bit surprised to say the least.

I believe I said something like "Don't you know I'm just barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth here and I can not take ONE. MORE. CHANGE? There have been other people in our tiny house non-stop since July 12 and we have been gone from there for a month and I can not have ANYONE in our house after October 3rd. No one. Not Sydney. Not my mom. Not your mom. NO ONE. You can't change one single part of this plan without at least warning me and I am thisclose to seriously lose it right here on the diaper aisle."

I think it's safe to say that got his attention.

He thought that since I'd been seemingly handling everything so well in PUBLIC that it would be no big deal. He's rethinking that particular thought.

So now I've told him to fix it. Fix it in a way that does not involve my name. Fix it in some way where there can be no possible thought of "Millie doesn't want me here or didn't like this change in plans or isn't being the biggest beeyotch ever".

I don't care that it is me that can't go along with this change in plans.  I just won't be the fall guy because he didn't even consult me. I want to be the person who could do this without batting an eyelash but, for whatever reason, I just can't.

There was a similar point in Tall Girl's adoption where, 2 nights before we were set to fly home everything changed and we were sent reeling and I was up all night freaking out. Back then I wrote:

I think with every adoption there is, as one friend from our support group said to me, "always one thing in an otherwise smooth process to get your gut churning and have you running for a stiff drink."

Maybe this is just that point. 

We're in a totally different place/space with this adoption. There are no questions about whether baby boy will be our son (we're already his legal guardians, all paperwork has been signed, submitted and court approved). Now it's perhaps bigger questions of how to we move forward in ways that everyone gets as much of what they want/need as possible, when those wants/needs are not the same.

Neither of us want to disappoint Sydney. We know that we will, at some point, but we just don't want it to be so soon. I know many things have changed for her as well and none of us have gotten the lovely time together at the lake house that we wanted. Now she has told her entire family she'll be staying with us for much longer than originally planned.

I know it's going to be incredibly hard for her to leave when that time comes. I've lived that before and that  is still one of the hardest days of my life. I honestly don't think staying a week longer is going to make that any easier. I would rather plan for a future visit so we all have something to look forward to instead of just trying to postpone the inevitable.

This part of open adoption sucks. 

Good News!

I don't think I have time for a quick update so I'll just hit the highlights.

Baby boy is doing much better. He's still likely a bit sick, but his breathing is slowing getting better and he just looks better.

I'm feeling much better about our decision to leave him here for now. I've talked to our pediatrician and been able to text the good Dr Liana and both have been somewhat reassuring. 

The pediatrician here is consulting with the best neonatalogists in the state (and she comes from a first rate Children's Hospital in the midwest where she spent her career) and they are pleased with his progress. They didn't get enough fluid yesterday to check for meningitis but that's a good sign. If he had meningitis there would likely be enough pressure to easily get a sample.

The new plan is to keep him on the higher antibiotic doses but for 10 days (not the full 21 that would be required if he had meningitis) as long as he's continuing to progress. If he starts to do worse, we'll transfer him to the closest Level 4 NICU (a 2 hour ambulance ride). There are no other options for transfer because even PDX is too far by ambulance and they don't have flight options.

We're all okay with this new plan. 

Yesterday there was a time when I thought maybe this was overkill and the hospital was being overly cautious when they were talking about 21 days of treatment. Two different nurses talked to me, unasked, because I think they could tell I was thinking this. They are very kind nurses who I respect. Each said "I know he doesn't look very sick to you. I know you might think 21 days is too much or this might not be the best place for him. Make no mistake: your baby is sick and we are catching this early which is what we want. Because if we hadn't started this when we did, he would be much sicker now and might die."  

They lost a baby a short while ago that was a home birth and that baby didn't get medical care soon enough. They are doing everything in their power not to let that happen again.

The mister and I talked about moving him to the closest NICU (and will do that if he gets sicker) but we have certain benefits where we are. We get to keep him in our room or Sydney's room all the time. That would never happen in a higher level NICU. And I think that's likely as good for his treatment as the antibiotics. We're having our bonding time with him and with Sydney and her mama, it's just in the hospital. 

He's eating 2 oz (59 ml) every 2 hours! That's something that started yesterday and such a great sign, don't you think? He's peeing and pooping and has a great temperature. His breath is still a little fast but definitely trending downwards. His color is looking better. He's alert and responsive and completely adorable. All good signs. 

Sydney is doing well too. She saw her therapist yesterday and got to enjoy some sunshine. She is hoping to come back home with us for a few days before she heads off to a new job. She's packing up her apartment and her mom will drive her belongings east. Our lovely adoption consultant is even holding a special meeting so Sydney can attend (it was one thing she really wanted). 

Thanks to all of you for your comments (and emails). We read each one of them and it is so awesome to have so many people pulling for us all around the world. We appreciate the advice (from you all, it's never assvice only kind words from loving people so don't ever feel bad). I'm sorry I don't have time to respond individually but please know that I really, truly appreciate it.

I'm also thinking a lot about my dear friend luna these days. Her new miracle and mine were born days apart and will be home about the same time. I know they are destined to be great friends as well, just as their older sibs are.  I hope she doesn't think I'm a total competitive beeyotch for adding a NICU stay (level 2, only) to my story. Who knew I was just this competitive? 

The One Where Millie Nearly Loses It

Tonight I left the hospital. Well, Tall Girl and I left but the mister, baby boy and Sydney are all still there. This isn't how it was supposed to go.

Baby boy has an infection. We don't know what, we dont know how serious it is, we don't know much. The hospital is taking it really seriously (which is great). He's won't be discharged for at least another week. It might be more like 2.5 weeks.

Adoption is hard. Adoption with a c-section and possible disruption by biodad who has been absent for 5 months is really hard. But adoption with all that and a sick baby? OMFG. 

I know they're being overly cautious and I appreciate it. Baby boy is doing well on most fronts: he's eating, peeing, pooping, regulating his own temperature and looking incredibly adorable. But he likely has pneumonia and perhaps meningitis and we just don't know enough.

Yesterday was incredibly hard emotional day. Really really hard.

The mister and I hate the idea of Sydney signing papers so early and doing it in the hospital. Hospital signings, however, are common here. And our lawyer, Sydney's lawyer and most importantly Sydney were very concerned about the biodad so she wanted to sign yesterday.

"We support Sydney, whatever she chooses." That's our mantra, even when it goes against every fiber of our being. We respect her and honor her choices.

She is incredibly selfless and she chose to place her son with us yesterday, knowing it would make the placement go more smoothly because timing might matter tremendously here.

So her lawyer and midwife and mom supported her and spent a lot of time with her. Her story is just that so I'm not going to share much but there were lots of tears all over the maternity floor yesterday. No one can ever question how much she loves this baby and how much she is doing this for him. I am more and more in awe of her every day.

So yesterday sucked big time and today was even worse.

Today was the ped explaining why they needed to do a spinal tap on this tiny baby and why he might need to be in the hospital for 3 weeks. And to stand with his grandma watching through the nursery window while they tried six times to get the fluid from his tiny back. Six times. SIX TIMES.

Then they have up for today. They'll try again tomorrow or the next day. They're doing all they can. Now it's up to the mister and I to decide if baby boy is getting the best care here or we need to move him to a hospital with a NICU. I have no idea how to even know what he needs at this point. Would it be better to move him now, before he's really sick? Or hope he'll just get better with this treatment? If we have to move him to PDX for that kind of treatment should we just take him home where we have more NICU options than almost anywhere in the country?

All I wanna do is spend this glorious time with my newly expanded family. We're all supposed to be hanging at the cushy house marveling at our boy. Instead I get to type this while Tall Girl sleeps upstairs from me and the mister, baby boy and Sydney are 20 minutes away and Sydney's mom is even further and forced with needed to leave her daughter and grandson in  few short days.

 

 

Happy Birthday, Baby Boy

He is here. Not the way any of us wanted. The call for a c section was made shortly after my last post. I'm not going to say much about that.

The very kind midwife came and found us and talked us through it. She's an adoptive mom as well. We talked a bit about how upset Sydney was with this change. And how this would greatly impact Sydney's recovery and her desire to travel to her home state in the very near future.

Last night is still a blur. They called me it into the nursery so I could be there with his grandma and him. He was minutes old. It was an incredibly special time.

The mister and Tall Girl joined shortly at the window. She started saying "Hi, Babyboy!!" and singing happy birthday to him.

There is so much that happens with a newborn in a hospital. A lot of poking and prodding and tests.

A little bit later the nurse said it was time to give him his first bath which is something Sydney had requested we do. His grandma took video so we could use it to bribe him with later but more importantly so that we could share it with Sydney.

At one point she was outside the glass looking in on us. I looked up and tears were streaming down her face. She looked devastated and that broke my heart. She loves this baby so very much. She was so worried about him and his mama. She is feeling so much loss already. This part of adoption sucks.

It was about an hour until we could take baby boy to Sydney. She looked amazingly well for all she'd been through. She was able to give him his first feeding which was also part of her hospital plan. I'm glad she got that small part but wished she had much more.

We left them to enjoy each other.

And I'm Still Waiting Here, Waiting for You to Come

Hm, perhaps the title says it all?

We're still waiting. It's been a long but so far (for us, at least) uneventful day.

Sydney checked into the hospital bright and early. She checked the "No Information" checkbox so she should have a nice, quiet experience. We've texted off and on all day but she doesn't want us at the hospital yet so we've done all kinds of other things.

We went back to the awesome bagel place for a Rainbow Bagel and a Bacon Cheddar Bagel. We had a bit of a meltdown when we realized we didn't have a camera charger (said meltdown took us to Walmart, Staples and The Shack). We went to a candy factory where Tall Girl kept tasting everying in site and loved watching the production line through the window. She also picked out a sock monkey for baby boy. We washed the car. We played in an awesome park with a tot lot and sooooo many ducks. We got Mexican food for lunch and the mister and I ate it on the deck while Tall Girl took a long nap.

I also had a nice long chat with our lawyer. I don't think he's quite used to paps (prospective adoptive parents) like us. He likes us, just not sure he gets us. 

He's been really concerned with getting the contact agreement done. In his experience, that can really hold things up. When we talked today he said that he and Sydney's lawyer talked and they aren't concerned about it at all.

He said that usually that was the only "leverage" the expectant mom had over the adoptive parents.

That just made me a bit sad. I think he's right and that's all too often true. 

But both lawyers see that just isn't the case here. None of us are about "leverage". We're focused on making sure that what's best for baby boy is the center of all decisions.

We presented both our lawyer's and our adoption consultant's contact agreement to Sydney as the basis for our discussions. She's always been a bit hesitant to have any sort of agreement, even though we've tried to assure her this is just to protect her rights and she can only enforce it, not us. When she read over our lawyer's form she said "yup this is what I figured it would be like - full of formal language and lots of clauses". When she read our consultants, she breathed a heavy sigh of relief and just said "THIS feels much better".

So my job today was to try to thank our lawyer for his work so far and remind him of our stance on things like contact agreements. Oh and signing forms in the hospital. That's another big no-no to us.

Normally we'd never support an expectant mom signing anything at the hospital but we're willing to bend that rule only if Sydney wants it and her lawyer agrees. We still said we'd prefer to do it somewhere a bit more cosy like our rental or  Sydney's place.

~~~~~

Now we're at the hospital. Sydney's mom called us and said we should come in and get settled for the night. Sydney's mom sounded tired and drained and worried. We hate that. Sydney is still progressing slowly and was in a lot of pain. They just gave her an epidural and that seems to be doing the trick.

The "no info" thing is really working too! We checked in at the maternity charge station and no one is even using her name (just her room number!). There are a lot of babies on their way tonight so our promised room isn't ready. The maternity waiting room is all full too so we're down the hall in the family waiting room. We have the whole place to ourselves!

The security guard just came through and warned us that if we leave to go the snack machines, we won't be able to get back to our waiting room. We need to have Sydney's nurse call security and add our names to the super secret list. That'll score us a couple of stickers and we'll sign in and out to no patient. Nice, huh? Also the nurses on this floor all wear special "secure scrubs" with their own secret code.

Lots of this is probably old hat to those of you that gave birth in hospitals or who had hospital experiences with your babies who came to you through adoption. This is all completely new to us!

I'll update again when we have news! Or if I'm bored in the middle of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks to everyone for their kind words to us and easy/good thoughts for Sydney. It means so much to us.

special shout out to zhl: SO glad to see you here! I tried to email you earlier today but my iPad did not allow it. Bad iPad! I wanna see pics of YOUR boy! It's been too long since our last playdate.

 

Twinkle Twinkle

What a day. 

It started very early. The mister couldn't sleep so I couldn't sleep and Tall Girl woke up early as well. It was super dark but 6 am. We did what any (almost) normal family would do: went out for pancakes.

There's a highly rated pancake place on yelp around these parts and it opens at 6. Why not, I said?

Cinnamon apple sour cream blintzes. Buttermilk pancakes topped with strawberries and whipped cream. Belgian waffle covered in blueberry syrup. And bacon bacon bacon. Coffee? Yes please, keep it coming.* Bendy straws in apple juice. Our little family of three having fun.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

The day passed in a blur. I tried to wrap up work and wash the sheets. The mister tried to work as much as possible. We were on dueling conference calls at the large table out on our deck overlooking our lake. The sun was so bright I couldn't see my screen but it was the only place with a decent signal today.

Sydney was also finishing up work. We texted and arranged to meet for dessert at our place tonight.

I've given up trying to bake special things in this kitchen so we loaded up the car and drove to a local bakery. I got a call from our lawyer saying biograndma is trying to social engineer her way into information that should require HIPPA waivers. Not cool. 

Tall Girl was just amazing, as always. All of a sudden she started with the "whys". I think we hit 10 in row. We are seriously in trouble if this is already starting at 2 years and 2 weeks.

In the car on the way to the bakery we talked about tomorrow. We told we would get to meet baby boy tomorrow. That Sydney would give birth and he'd no longer be in her baby. She was quiet and serious. Then she said "I sing a song to baby". That's my musical girl. She wants to sing Twinkle Twinkle and Happy Birthday. She practiced both a lot in the car. The mister and I held hands tightly while we also fought back tears.

She picked out a cherry pie for all of us for dessert. 

Sydney and her mom came over. After we finished pie, Sydney showed Tall Girl baby boy's ultrasound photo that's her screensaver. Sydney pointed out his arms and head and face. Tall Girl said "Beautiful baby...so beautiful". 

I remember all those incredibly dark days. Were they worth it? Every single one of them. Because they brought all these people into my life. My heart is so incredibly full.

Please think good thoughts for Sydney tomorrow. Wish her an easy labor and peaceful time with her baby boy. She's a very brave strong woman who deserves the best possible time of it. 

Edited to add: I just looked at my watch. It's early in the morning in Cape Town. Pamplemousse and the Heed Banger are there and have a big day ahead of them as well. Think good thoughts for them too, mkay? And she has the nerve to tell me she's glad to see me blogging again but not take up the keyboard herself! Perhaps a few nudges are in order...

*Not 4 words that fit the spirit of the meme but we read Julie's fb status today while we were downing coffee like it was going out of style. Much coffee was lost snorting to certain comments.

The One Where Millie Spends Time on the Maternity Floor

Today was just your average Wednesday. I spent much of it in a labor and delivery room at the hospital. That's one place I've NEVER spent much time before in my life.

No, Sydney didn't go into labor. Her doc wanted to do a stress test to make sure there wouldn't be any unforseen problems on Friday and Sydney could safely be induced.

So Sydney, her mom and I went to the hospital. They gave us the super big delivery room and we hung out while monitors were recording all that was going on with baby boy.

Sydney passed her test with flying colors. The nurse proclaimed her blood pressure as "beautiful". Baby boy is all set to arrive on Friday.

What an incredibly surreal day!

The hospital will likely give the mister, me and Tall Girl our very own room. Normally our consultant advises against doing that but if there's a room available, we'll take it. It might be nice for us to have a bit of space to call our own there. We've only got one car and we have no idea how long an induction might take. The mister and I are still trying to work out a plan that will have at least one of us at the hospital while the other tries to give Tall Girl some park time/play time/nap time. Suggestions???

I'm getting really excited about this baby boy and how the events over the next few days might unfold. I'm also feeling terribly bittersweet about Tall Girl. It's been such an awesome couple of years and she's sooooo much fun and I love spending time with her...just with her and just with the three of us. I know she'll be an awesome big sister but also feel incredibly wistful at not having the kind of time together we've had.

Tall Girl is also processing a lot. So far we've been reading lots of  books with her about babies and such and our party line to her is "Sydney is having a baby and we're going to help her take care of it for a while."  Other people have told her she's becoming a big sister but we have steered clear of that. We want to make sure this baby is the baby that makes her a big sister before getting into that part of it.

Over the last couple of weeks we packed up a lot of her baby clothes and her baby car seat. Oh and bottles! Lots and lots of bottles. She clearly remembers all of it (or not so clearly but definitely remembers). She wants to use all the baby things but we tell her "no you're too big for that now, that's for the new baby."

At a local festival on Sunday we were picking out some new presents for Tall Girl and for the new baby. We'd found a onesie for the baby in a lovely shade of forest green, with a pine tree and a full moon painted on it. We were trying to match a hat and bamboo socks from another vendor. The nice lady said "are you getting a new baby soon?" Tall Girl said "Yes! Sydney is having a baby boy. We're going to take care of him. Baby is in Sydney's tummy now but we'll see him soon."

Today she knew I was at the hospital with Sydney. When she met us later she kept saying "hear baby's heartbeat again?" She is understanding so very much of this. I love her so incredibly much, my fierce, beautiful, sunny, sensitive girl. I'm sure I will love this new baby, too, but in a different way.