Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Little Miss Magic

Last weekend was our regularly scheduled monthly meeting at our consultant's house. It was our turn to present (aka tell our story and show off the Wee One) and we wanted to do that when the weather was still nice enough for an outdoor meetings.

We chatted with our consultant a few days before about some of the things we wanted to cover and some of the things she wanted us to cover. She gave us our instructions for what to bring (several bottles of champagne and some of sparkling juice). We were excited to introduce the Wee One to the whole community.

It was an incredible day.

The weather was perfect. The garden looked amazing. Our presentation part went well. Everyone was so very excited to meet the Wee One.

There were two very special people there that the Mister and I were beyond thrilled to see: the NPL and her mom.

Long time readers might remember our very first NPL. If you've started reading more recently you can select the category related to adoption to the right and get all caught up. Sorry to be so lazy and not do proper links but I'm trying to get this all written while the Wee One takes a wee nap in her much loved swing (thank you Auntie Liana and bff-to-be Zara).

We haven't seen the NPL since before her son was born. We skipped a couple of meetings out of deference to her needs. She's been at a few more recent meetings but we happened to be out of town for those.

So when I saw her smiling face I was just so very happy I broke into tears. So did she. We knew she'd been thinking about us a lot and always asked about us. We'd done the same with her. But to see her again and reconnect was just so wonderful.

She saw the email that we planned to present and was so excited for us she changed her schedule so she could attend. Her mom was also thrilled for us and there were more tears when we greeted each other.

She showed me pictures of her son and caught me up on her life. She held my daughter. It was one of the most healing and touching moments I've ever experienced.

She lives even closer to us and offered to babysit. I can't believe we haven't run into her around town but maybe this was how it was supposed to be (don't tell the mister that, he *hates* any talk of "meant to be"). We were so honored she wanted to share in our joy.

She set the bar incredibly high for what we hoped to find in an open adoption situation. Every time things didn't work out we went back to the NPL and our connection and hoped we'd find something like that. I think what we have now with Ms FoodNetwork is very similar to what might have been with the added possibility of more information and an eventual relationship with the birthdad.

So there was much celebrating last weekend and it was a beautiful thing. 

Finally a few photos (that likely won't last long) and name stuff.

Here is one of my favorite photos. Look closely and you'll see the Wee Ones feet, then Ms FoodNetwork's hand, my hand and the mister's hand.

Now on to the naming story. First, I must say she has a much longer name than we originally intended.

Her last name is my family name (I'm the last in my extended family to carry it). Ms FoodNetwork changed her own name to another family name when she came of age so she understood why it was so important to me. When we were talking about names when the wee one was a few days old and I said I was the only one besides my parents with my name she said "Not anymore."

Her second middle name is a family name from the mister's side. It's similar to his last name but more feminine and American sounding (his is very VERY Scandinavian sounding). It's similar to a popular name that means inspired by grace (eloquence or beauty of form, kindness, mercy, favor), which is derived from the Latin gratia (favor, thanks) according to the Namepedia.

Her first middle name is a family name from Ms FoodNetwork's side. It's also a word that has two entries in Merriam-Webster: as a noun it means "a group of related individuals,one's relatives,family relationship"; as an adjective it means "of a similar nature or character, like or of the same ancestry". What could be more perfect, right?

Her first name was on our short list for a long time but seemed perfect for this situation. In my family tradition and somewhat commonly in the South, one daughter is named after new grandmothers. We were lucky in that one name honored three of the Wee One's grandmothers (and was in all family lines somewhere). It means bright shining one and that is certainly true. It met all my crazy naming requirements and we all agreed on it. It's a serious grownup name with some totally cute nicknames.

I'm so very happy to introduce you to Eleanor.

Because I Know You, I've Been Changed For Good

It's been another incredibly long week around here. Last weekend flew by all too quickly. It was just so lovely having Ms FoodNetwork here with us and it was over in what seemed like an instant.

There was one day that was just for hanging out. We all went out to our favorite local greasy spoon dinner. It just happens to be owned by a member of Ms FoodNetwork's favorite band. It's very artsy, especially for our town. We also went to the local Target and introduced Ms FoodNetwork to the wonderful world of cart escalators (have you all seen them? I am a HUGE fan of interesting escalators. We have both cart escalators AND curved escalators close at hand). The mister cooked us a lovely dinner. We talked and just hung out. It was beyond lovely.

The next day was a longer one, more business and tasks to check off the list. Ms FoodNetwork had her second meeting, the sickeningly named "relinquishment meeting".

Let's just pause here for a minute. Why such hateful terminology? Words have tremendous power. She wasn't relinquishing her daughter with all the negative connotations associated with that word. She was consenting to an adoption plan that she created, she was actively choosing us to parent her daughter because she felt that was best for her daughter. There was nothing negative about her plan or her actions - it came from a place of pure and unselfish love.

Ok. Back to that day. Let's just say the second meeting was held. Papers were signed. Forms were gone over. It was the business part of all this and while it was handled as well as it could have been, and it was in a serene environment in a lovely house surrounded by trees and nature (not some hospital or office building), it was still taxing for all.

After that part we had a lovely lunch. Food is good and good food is even better and it's so connecting to break bread together.

Then a dear friend and amazingly talented photographer joined us. She took the mister and my "signature shot" for our website and materials. Ms FoodNetwork and her mom loved that picture and it played no small role in their desire to get to know us. We were honored that The Photographer wanted to take some pics of all of us. How incredibly generous of her. How lucky we are to have those shots. I've only seen 3 of them so far but they are beyond beautiful. I'll post a couple of them in my next post and you'll see what I mean.

Then Ms FoodNetwork spent some time alone with our consultant. She was given loads of books and additional support and resources. I hope that it will be helpful to her.

After that long draining and emotional day we went back to our house. The mister took over baby duties and Ms FoodNetwork and I had a girls' night out. We got all gussied up, took the train two stops north, had a couple of cocktails and saw a rock opera (written by one of her favorite band and the coolest of said band was THERE...in the audience with us).

I know I keep using words like "awesome" and "amazing" but I just can't come up with anything else. It felt so good to be able to just hang out together and enjoy each other's company. It felt so good to treat her to a very special show, one that meant a lot to her, and just have fun together. She hasn't had a lot of opportunities for pure fun over the last few months and it was just very healing for both of us.

I think it also helped us survive the next day. That day was rough. Rough rough rough rough rough. We all knew it would be but it was even worse.

We had an errand in the morning, some last minute business to take care of and had to head straight to the airport. No one wanted Ms FoodNetwork to miss another flight. No one wanted her to leave either, if truth be told.

Saying "See You Soon" (not goodbye, I don't think we could ever say that in person) and watching her wait through security lines and then walk away all by herself was utterly heartbreaking. The three adults were in tears. The mister and I both hate that she was flying alone that day. We can't even imagine what that was like for her although we thought of little else until we got the call that she had reached her destination and her friend was waiting on the other side.

There is still tremendous grief in open adoption, that is for sure. One of my adult adoptee friends told me how it still breaks her heart when she thinks of her birthmother leaving her baby in the car with her doctor and walking home alone. That is just barbaric. Thank goodness we've come a long way from that. But it's never easy.

So today's post title comes from yet another musical* and I don't really think it needs any other explanation.** I'm so glad Ms FoodNetwork is and will be in our lives. I'm so glad our daughter has so many people that love her. I'm grateful she had that extra time with her first family because I think it's important to all of them and to her. That is part of her story. When she grapples with her own issues related to her adoption she will know how hard we all worked together to do right by each other and more importantly by her, putting her needs above all of ours and that can only be a good thing.

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*Shoutout to MichelleL for correctly identifying the musical a few posts back: Avenue Q. Love those puppets!

**Ok maybe just a tiny explanation if you haven't seen Wicked. And congrats to Elphaba/Maureen and her handsome hubby on the birth of their son ONE DAY after our wee one. They are a lot like the mister and me: dated for 7 years before getting married and it took them nearly 7 years to have a baby. Of course we're far better looking and sing wayyyyyyyyy better than them. ;)

                   

Homecoming, Part II

They both here. Ms FoodNetwork and the baby. It was a long day yesterday (especially for the two of them) but they both looked utterly adorable when they arrived. BabyFood was dressed in an adorable Japanese inspired outfit we'd purchased. Ms FoodNetwork was glamorous in a black frock and very stylish coat, like she just  stepped out of a fashion magazine not like she'd been through the wringer with two long plane rides and a difficult connection.

We fed both of them then headed into the city. Ms FoodNetwork met with an agency social worker for her advisement meeting. It seemed to go really well and we were grateful the agency folks were understanding about the travel snafus and were able to meet with her later than planned (even thought it was a holiday weekend for them).

I'm not sure how it works in other states but here mothers who are doing an adoption plan are required to meet with social workers at least twice and it can't be on the same day. The first meeting is called an advisement meeting and basically the social worker spends an hour or two alone with the mother/expectant mom and explains the process, her rights, answers any questions, etc. Then at least one day later (and at least 3 days after the birth of the baby) there is another meeting called the relinquishment meeting (isn't that horrible language?). We'll do that meeting at our consultant's house on Sunday.

After our city appointment we drove across the Golden Gate bridge. It was a spectacular day here yesterday and was great fun to show off our cities to Ms FoodNetwork. We spent a few hours at our consultant's house, eating cupcakes and passing the baby around.

Then we came home. Let me say that again. We ALL came home.

It was such a happy night here I can't even begin to find words. In a lot of respects it was a very normal night for us. We ordered pizza. We watched tv. We ate said pizza in front of said tv. We had ice cream for dessert.

And the mister and I took turns getting up with our daughter all night. Just a totally normal night for us. ;)

You'll be Faced With Problems of All Shapes and Sizes

I figured I'd continue with the current theme in today's title. Quick...name that musical!

There were a few more speed bumps this week. We actually hit one right on schedule. I think we could have set our watches by it: 2 days before scheduled departure. Same time as last week.

This time the "speed bump" looked a little different (we'd solved the biggest one from last week so it really had to take a different form). I think deep down it really had nothing to do with the "speed bump" itself but just what it represented: incredible anxiety and angst over the coming days and the complete loss of control.

Again, none of this is coming from Ms FoodNetwork and we do understand how hard this is for her mom. I can only imagine how hard it must be to consider puting her daughter and granddaughter on a plane knowing they're flying miles and miles away and having to trust in a couple of people they've only known for a few weeks, a number of "adoption professionals" they don't know at all and a process that instills a lot of fear. I do get that.

That being said the 34 minute phone call I had on Wednesday with Grandma FoodNetwork was one of the longest, hardest ones in my life. The mister and I were on our way to the beach for some much needed soul nourishment when we hit this speed bump. I think I handled the call as well as I could have (even though the mister couldn't find a single Diet Coke in the entire strip mall we parked in so I could take the call!) but it was rough. I drew on my fairly deep experience in such situations (that five years in grad school studying clinical psychology paid off in spades) and I put on my game face and kept telling myself "it's just a gig". 34 minutes never seemed so long.

Honestly I think she just needed to hear me repeat some things over and over (after she ranted for a bit). Just that we knew this was hard for them and recognized all this anxiety. That we would take care of her daughter and granddaughter and there would be no surprises once they got here. That everything would be ok.

It seemed to help her.

Two glasses of wine with lunch and a two hour nap on an incredibly gorgeous beach with totally spectacular weather helped me (and the mister). We listened to the sound of the surf and it soothed our souls. After that we went to a quaint English pub where I had Shepherd's Pie and a couple of pints of cider and the mister had Beef Wellington and a couple of pints of ale.

Yesterday was actually very calm. There were nice texts and messages flying between LoneStar and here. We tried to prep for our guest/new arrival. I even found time to get my brows waxed and a mani-pedi. Late last night we dropped the dogs off at our pet sitter's house (all the better to allow for a longer transition) and came home and spent a couple of quality hours with Jimmy McNulty and Omar.

Jimmmmmmmmmmmy. Ahhhhhhhhhh. In DEED.

All was fine until a text early this morning. It seems that Ms FoodNetwork missed her flight by minutes. Don't fret, she was rerouted to Chicago and will be touching down at SFO in just a few hours (she even made a tight connection between long distance gates). We're not happy about this change in plans as we very carefully planned a short, direct flight with a good seat for Ms FoodNetwork. I'm trying not to let my inner control freak completely rage at how my offer to fly out and back with Ms FoodNetwork and BabyFood was deemed "unnecessary". This was supposed to be easy peasy but nothing yet has been easy peasy.

Deep breath.

So the good news is they are in the air. Actually that is GREAT news. And I will squeeze another blog post out before they arrive which will do wonders for my stats and readership. ;)

Everyone's a Little Bit Unsatisfied...But Only For Now

I've started so many posts in my head. But the words just don't seem to come. How many times can I come here and say we're still waiting? Perhaps a few more.

Time is passing so incredibly slowly. Is it really only a few days since we've been home? Is it really two weeks since she was born? And one week since the speed bump? How can that be?

It has been a huge relief being at home again. HUGE RELIEF. It's also been a bit of a crazy time.

Saturday was my birthday. It was actually a pretty damn good one. It wasn't the best birthday ever that I'd hoped it might be but it was mighty fine it it's own way.

I was awakened in the middle of the night by thunder and lightening. We just don't get that here and it's something that I miss. It seemed like we were still in Lonestar or back home. My poor kitty had never experienced that kind of storm in her whole, short life and freaked out. I found it soothing. It mirrored my own emotions over the previous couple of days.

It wasn't as welcome the next morning when it was still raining and I headed into the city with friends for a three hour spin cycle fundraiser. Outdoors. In the midst of the storm. But we persevered and it was an amazing day. We raised a ton of money for an awesome charity. I met some incredibly inspirational people and I biked my heart out. It was just the kick in the ass I needed.

I followed that up with a very long massage and then a nice small get together with a few Beatles-loving Rock Band playing friends. And a lot of champagne. Lots and lots of champagne.

Sunday was nice and mellow and the mister and I hung out in front of the tv most of the day. We didn't really feel like venturing far from our den.

Yesterday the real world came crashing back. We both spent most of the day making calls, leaving messages, getting logistics handled. There were calls to the midwife and lawyers here and there, our consultant, the agency here and banks there. It just brought all the stress and agitation up to the surface and out in the open again.

Yesterday it got hard again. No nothing changed in terms of our plans but just the act of "holding all of this" became overwhelming. It wore both the mister and I down. We're both running on fumes at this point. We're back to not sleeping well and just feeling like extremely taut strings that will break at any point.

I was sitting on the couch at one point, trying to compose an email to someone. Ms FoodNetwork? The midwife? I don't even remember. The mister said "There's something I need to talk to you about" and I bit his head off. I'll admit those words often set me on edge but I just couldn't handle it.

He wanted to talk about what he wanted to get me for my birthday. Poor guy. He wanted to talk about getting me an extravagant present ( a ROAD BIKE of my very own!) and I snapped at him. This is not how I ever want to be but this is our reality for now (but only for now).

Today it was hard all day. I think doubt began setting in for both of us last night and it just isn't letting up really. Every time we get an email or a text or a phone call from one of the people involved my heart just pounds. None of this is rational, I know. Everything is moving along but there is just nothing left for us to do at this point but have faith and believe.

That's the hardest thing of all. The mister and I have a tremendous amount of experience in things not working out. We're right back in limbo land and we hate it here but we know how to survive. We hunker down. We rely on our friends and we've got some amazing ones who "get it" and others who are just here for whatever we need.  We reorganize our Netflix queue so there's lots of dark comedies and tv series with a lot of cursing. If I wasn't so lazy I'd cite previous limbos where we went from Vic Mackay to Al Swearengen then Tommy Gavin and finally through Frak. We're now solidly settled into Jimmy McNulty. Finally. Honestly I'm not sure there's anywhere to go after The Wire.

So while I may sound strong here please believe me that I'm not always that strong. Because I'm not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just incapable of even typing during those other times. I do have a great resource network and am relying on them very heavily right now. I'm trying to let them help me but I'm sure it's not a big surprise that is one of my areas of weakness. I am working on it though.

I just want to take a minute to explain something about our consultant. This is partly in response to sally's comment on my last post but I'm sure that many of you reading this are thinking similar thoughts and questioning our consultant and her ways of doing things (and sally please understand that I know your comment comes from wanting to protect us and a place of love...I mean no disrespect).

We chose our consultant because she is one if not the most ethical people in the field of adoption. We do think that she does an amazing job, when she is empowered to do it. In this situation she has not been able to do the work she would like to do. The mister and I knew that was a risk (just as we know that any last minute situation is risky) and there's only so much I feel comfortable about saying here. There are many complicating factors in this situation. Our consultant has been there every step of the way for us and done a great deal of work behind the scenes that is invaluable. She is available to us, the midwife, the other family's attorney, our agency and our lawyer. She goes above and beyond in every situation. She also creates an amazing community that we are thrilled to be part of and so incredibly grateful to have right now. The other adoptive and birth parents in her community are amazing models and true friends.

I think there is still a perception that you can "just adopt" and things will be easy. Adoption is messy and complicated. There are huge decisions that have to be made and honestly these are the most serious decisions anyone can ever make. We PAPs have the luxury of time and resources, at least the resources to research and think about what kind of adoption we want and process many of our own issues around it. Someone who is thinking of making an adoption plan for their child is put on the fast track, especially if they've been in denial about the pregnancy as so often happens.

While I do think our path has been potentially longer and harder than we would have liked, I also know that we are doing everything in our power to have the kind of adoption we want: ethical, honest, respectful and open.

What keeps me going this week is knowing this will be over soon and we are doing everything in our power to stay focused on this baby and treating everyone as well as we possibly can. While this week seems incredibly long to us I'm also sure it seems incredibly short to Ms FoodNetwork and her family.

Now it's time for me to get back to my diversions. The Beatles are warming up and those drums aren't going to play themselves. (Pamplemousse and The HeadBanger: we've got your spots saved. It's just not the same without you!)

Homecoming, Part I

The mister and I are home and very glad to be here. I'm going to keep this short and simple for now: things are still moving forward with this adoption but we have made some changes in the transition plan. We are ok. The baby is ok. Ms FoodNetwork is ok. That's all that matters.

Now breathe deeply. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...
...
...

I am beyond exhausted. The last 48 hours have been the longest and hardest of my life. It all started when we went to leave Ms FoodNetwork and her family late on Tuesday night.

I do want to be as clear as I can about this, even as I consider how much and what to share at this point. I've had the benefit of some time and great advice from a number of people so it's all a bit clearer to me at this point. I'm still struggling with what and how much to say here but will say for now her mom's fear and anxiety overwhelmed her. She blindsided us with something and it sent us reeling. She and Ms FoodNetwork have an incredible amount of processing to do and are just in a slightly different place than they thought they were.

I think with every adoption there is, as one friend from our support group said to me, "always one thing in an otherwise smooth process to get your gut churning and have you running for a stiff drink."

It's not a big surprised that all of this bubbled to the surface shortly after our plans to travel were solidified and shortly before we were supposed to leave. This was a last minute situation which our consultant beats into our heads as being 50/50. We had not had the time to really build a solid relationship built on mutual trust. Ms FoodNetwork's family had not allowed our professionals as well as their own to do their jobs. These are make a challenging and complex process at the best of times even more challenging.

I'm very proud of how we handled this tremendously difficult situation. We have said all along that she would need to "re-make" her decision and we'd have to give her the space to do that. We also recognized that some of the process might have to change and we had to be open to that.

Ms FoodNetwork is not questioning her desire to have us parent this baby. She and her family fully support that. They do, however, need a bit more time and a few additional things in place. We are happy to work with them on that but also need to do it all in a way that is comfortable for us as well. This is really serious and hard stuff, no question about it.

During this difficult time several people have stepped in to help and that has been incredible. The midwife is taking a very active role. The family's attorney is also finally very involved. They are both working with our consultant and other folks. That is all really, really good.

The mister and I also have incredible support from wise friends, our consultant, our therapist who has lived through all of this herself and each other. We are just trying to breathe and not let our own stuff and anxiety get the better of us. We can only control what we do and how we react. We can only act with honesty, openness and trust and make sure we are being as ethical as possible. We are focused on a bigger goal than just getting some papers signed or getting this baby to California. This is creating a new extended family and that is never without a few speed bumps.

So back to the nuts and bolts of where we are now: We did change the travel plan. It was just too much too soon for them and we really needed to get home for us. The mister and I came home very early this morning as planned. Ms FoodNetwork returned to school today and her professors were very supportive. She and the baby will fly out here in 8 days.  This gives her and her family some very precious time with the baby and gives us a chance to make sure everything is ready to go on our side.

And now I'm truly about to drop and looking forward to climbing into my very own bed, next to my very own mister and surrounding myself with my pets and sweet dreams of the rest of the homecoming in only 8 days.

The Plane!!! The Plane!!!

Just a quick note to thank y'all for your magical powers of persuasion. We are booked on a lovely non-stop flight from Lonestar home on Thursday morning! Can you hear the relief in my typing? Sooooooooooooooooooooooo glad we get to fly.

We carefully crafted our argument additional data points. It's truly all about making it as easy as possible for Ms FoodNetwork and the baybee. A four hour nonstop flight where the baby can be held the entire time vs a long train ride followed by a long car ride? Big cheers for logic prevailing (and the desire to not leave the baby in a carseat for 6-10 hours).

Thanks to our lovely airline (they love to fly and it shows) and my previous life we're all in first class. Yes, we will be those people in first class with a baby that everyone hates but I don't care. Ms Foodnetwork will be staying with us until early next week then flying home. I don't even want to think about that part yet.

I'll be home for my birthday with the bestest present ever. Life is good. Reallllllllllllllly good.

Perfection!

I seemed to have fallen back into my lackadaisical posting pattern all too quickly. I do apologize but I've been busy with the best excuse ever.

Time doesn't pass quite the same way when you're holding a baby in your arms.

Where did we leave off? Last Wednesday? Seriously? We've got a lot of catching up to do.

The mister and I stocked up on all kinds of good breakfast things like migas and cherry pancakes and bacon and went off to meet the reason that brought us here. I know I'm completely biased but she's totally perfect. When we first saw her she was in a sleeper Ms FoodNetwork wore as a newborn. She has a head full of dark hair, big blue eyes and the most expressive eyebrows ever! I can't believe just how perfect she looked.

Ms FoodNetwork had a fairly easy time when it came to pushing (less than half an hour) to make up for all that other work she'd done. She looked amazing for all she'd been through over the previous few days.

We took turns holding BabyFood (until I think of a better nickname, feel free to submit your own ideas). We went outside and ate our feast and just talked and listened and breathed. It was magic.

We stayed for several hours then Ms FoodNetwork, her mom and the baby all headed off to the family homestead. The mister and I went out to a late celebratory dinner at a famous barbecue place. A famous bbq place in a dry county, I should add. We were the only folks around that didn't bring a cooler.

The next day we loaded up the car and ran some errands for Ms FoodNetwork including picking up a breast pump for her.  She requested a small handpump but I knew better. We went back to this amazing local store (we'd gotten her a postpartum band thingy the day before) and they were so incredibly supportive of all of us.

Then we drove down to our new encampment. The original plan had been for all of us to stay on the family homestead but they suggested we get a hotel room nearby (we were thrilled with the change in plans btw). We had a late lunch of awesome sour cream chicken enchiladas at a local spot then headed out to the homestead.

Ms FoodNetwork's mom wanted to host a celebratory dinner and she outdid herself with a 4 course extravaganza. It was just so great to be all together and celebrating.

The last few days have been fairly similar. We wake up and head over to the homestead. Sometimes we go a bit later in the day. We typically spend 10-12 hours a day there. We all take turns holding the baby, feeding the baby, changing the baby and just loving on her.

The first night home was fairly rough after we left. Grandma FoodNetwork broke into her secret stash of frozen infant formula and that allowed a bit of sleep for all. We offered up our own stash that we brought from CA as an insurance policy. Now Ms FoodNetwork is pumping and we're mixing the formula and breast milk. BabyFood loooooves to eat. She's already regained most of the weight she lost and is just thriving.

It is such a beautiful time. We're hearing all kinds of family stories and seeing photos and just sharing an over-the-top spectacularly magical time. THIS is why we wanted to do an open adoption. THIS is what it's all about. THIS baby is one of the most loved and cherished babies and she totally knows that. She's getting to know all of us and that is such an amazing thing. Really there are no words to express how thankful we are that this situation has worked out so perfectly.

Our families are over the moon about the baby and concerned that the "process moves forward". We're trying to gently educate them still. I understand this is a fearful, anxious time for them. They want papers signed and are just very nervous. They are trying to be supportive but are all clearly out of their comfort zones.

Honestly this could not be going any better. Well, there is one part that could be a little better: BioDad. He's being very supportive of Ms FoodNetwork but he's just not ready to meet his daughter. He did spend a few hours with Ms FoodNetwork the other day and I think that was really good for both of them (and those papers are signed). We sent photos and contact info for us with the message we'll always be here and open to him. Recently he's asked for pictures of BabyFood and agrees she is the most beautiful baby ever. Now he's asking for more photos and that is a really great thing. We'd love for him to meet the baby before we leave but recognize he's got to do this at his own speed.

We're planning to leave for home on Thursday. We're hoping to talk Ms FoodNetwork into the fast plane instead of the slow train followed by a long, brutal car ride. We've printed out lots of supporting documents that say the plane would be just fine and preferable to a longer trip so please cross your fingers that we can turn this into a 4 hour flying trip instead of 48 hours (at best).

I do promise to post a photo or two but that's going to have to wait until we're home. Hope y'all understand.

I'll also write about her name and how we came to it but will hold out on that for now too. Don't hate me.

Life is good. Really really really really really good. I have never seen a more beautiful sight than my mister holding BabyFood. No more extra bitter for him.

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting: Tuesday

Cutting to the chase: see title above.All of that continues to apply.

I will say it's VERY easy to find diversions here and the mister and I are having tremendous fun exploring this fine city.

This morning we TRIED to sleep in (more on that later) but were rudely awoken by a text on my cell phone. Nope, it wasn't that text. It was the usually lovely Bebe who couldn't stand to wait one more minute for an update. It was the crack of 8:30 here (and 2 hours earlier for her so you know she was impatient).

We didn't really start our day until a bit later. We met the oh-so-loverly Zanity* for pancakes at a local brunch spot. We hung out for hours and it was so great to meet in person and share stories, all kinds of stories. She was glowing and tan from a recent trip to the islands.

Then we trekked up to the highest point around. Thankfully Zanity warned us that although it had "Mount" in its name there wasn't much climbing to be done. Apparently some recent Bay Area transplants were disappointed to find a few dozen stairs instead of a more challenging mountain climb.

We followed our mountain adventure with a pilgrimage to cycling mecca aka Mellow Johnny's Bike Store. There's a wall full of yellow jerseys and some very cool time trial bikes. I was looking for cool sleeves/arm warmers but that wasn't to  be. Then we hit a funky shopping district to while away the rest of the afternoon. We hoped our lunch spot (named Zen) would add to our internal Zen. When that only worked momentarily we stopped by Amy's Ice Cream and all I can say is YUM!!! Soooo delish!

Now we're researching barbecue joints for dinner and waiting for the phone to ring/chime with a local number. ;)

It is looking like tonight might be the night although I think I just jinxed it by typing it. Last night our phone rang while we were in the hot tub (and phoneless). Can you believe we missed a call from Ms FoodNetwork during the only 25 minutes we didn't have our phone for the last few weeks? Yeah me neither.

She was at the birth center and invited us over. I think it's safe to say it's been a long time since I got out of my pjs quite that quickly. We both threw some clothes on and rushed over to the birthing center.

Well we tried to rush over but got lost several times along the way. I know, I know. How could we get lost with TWO iPhones between us?? Turns out that just because you know where a street should be, little things like highways and rivers get in the way.

We did finally make it to the birthing center and it was so awesome to meet her (and her mom) in person. It was like a big slumber party when we got there. The tv was on (3 guesses as to the channel) but we ignored it and just chatted for hours. Ms FoodNetwork thought her contractions were finally close enough and strong enough to warrant the drive in but her midwife took one look at her, told her it was hours and hours away and went straight to bed.

It was truly an awesome experience and I don't mean in Valley Girl speak. I know I said that above but it bears repeating. The mister and I are both so glad we had this chance to hang out and get to know her and her mom before the baby arrived. I really think she's delaying her appearance to give us all a chance to get to know each other better. We are very very very grateful to have had those special hours last night.

We took her a special floral arrangement we had made at a fun bakery/floral shop we breakfasted at yesterday.** It was fresh and modern and girly and so very much like Ms FoodNetwork herself. We also ran to the store and stocked up on ginger and treats when her nausea got bad. We asked what else we could get for her but she demurred. While we were at the store I got a text that read "Maybe there's a little bit of chocolate out there?????" Talk about a girl after my own heart!

After we stocked the fridge (and bellies) at the birth center we left in the wee hours to try to get some sleep. When I sleep in hotel rooms I love going to sleep with the tv on (we never do that at home) and the mister tolerates it. The only thing starting was Apocalypse Now on HBO. Man has it decades since I've seen that film! All I could think about was how young Harrison Ford looked and what a great performance from Charlie Sheen. ;)

Our own personal sleep consultant would be very happy to know the blackout curtains did there job and we slept soundly...until the text mentioned above.

*Lucky for me Zanity knew I meant "Z" in my previous post when I typed "X". In my defense in another life a long time ago I lived with a guy who had a very similar name and spelled it with an X.

**The shop is owned by one of those Hollywood types that we bitter infertiles love. You know the one I've written about before who is likely one of us and has called the press to the mat for always speculating about whether or not she's pregnant.

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Clearing up a few things:

@Yellowgirl: You cracked me up as well! IF I were a snarky girl I'd remind you that some (okay maybe one) of the presidents from this state were actually accepted into the local state schools and didn't require huge donations from Northern grandparents/family to force admittance to an Ivy League institution. Of course that particular president wasn't from the political party most associated with the rest of this state. ;)

@MollyMorgan: Ding ding ding! We have a winner! That is one impressive library/museum. The only other presidential library I've visited was in Simi Valley and, shall we say, lacking in substance. 

@jengirlie: I'm thinking this wee one has a penchant for sapphires. Nothing wrong with that.

@luna: Apparently there won't be any induction. See above for the meeting. I know you'd approve. We just have to let nature take it's course at this point. We are being thanked by everyone we meet for bringing a "cold front" with us. It was only 95 here today!

Same As It Ever Was - Friday version

Nope, not on a plane yet. Still waiting. I thought I'd go ahead and get that part out of the way.

We will, however, be buying plane tickets for Sunday or Monday within the next few hours! We're leaning towards Sunday for obvious reasons (HELLO...we are all out of zen here and full into the crazy) but we'll see how the rest of the day plays out.

Ms FoodNetwork is currently at her midwife appointment. There is much midwifery stuff going on involving some sort of physical manipulation and some herbal tonic or something. Ms Foodnetwork has also scheduled a Monday morning induction appointment at the local hospital and is very motivated to miss that appointment. VERY motivated indeed.

Let's see...was there any other news this morning? Anything I thought y'all might be interested in?

Oh, well I suppose some of you might like to know the answer to the gender question. Part of today's exam was making sure the baby was ok and there was a sonogram done to do just that. Ms FoodNetwork called to see if we wanted to find out the gender and of course I asked her what she wanted and we went round a bit and she said "I think I wanna know!" So now we know!

Her mom called with the news (and I must say I was a bit surprised because I thought Ms FoodNetwork would want to tell us herself but not sure she was given the chance).

The baby will no longer be referred to as "it" in the third person and instead will be henceforth designated as "she". Or I suppose I could just say "It's a GIRL!". *

Y'all should be totally honored as I'm telling the internets before I tell my own family. Well, I'm also blackmailing my mom for some photos of my sis's house renovations that the whole family is going on and on about with no photos whatsoever. (Pamplemousse:it's a good thing you posted photos of your new car because otherwise I was going to withhold from ALL of you.;) )

There's also a lot of other thinking going on in my head today. Today is NHL's due date for her little girl. I'm hoping they're both doing well and wish her all the best in parenting.

Today is also the birthday of one of my very best friends. She would have been 43 today. She should  have been 43 today. I can't believe it's been 16 years since she was killed in a car crash. I've written about her several times here but honestly am just too lazy to find the links. I think about her often and it is very special to me that we found out this baby, that might become our baby, is a girl on this special day (and how awesome would it be if this girl somehow decides she's ready to be born today as well).

So that's where I am. Thinking about my friend and thinking about this baby girl. Hoping to meet her very soon

*Sorry Oro. You, the mister and Ms FoodNetwork's mom seemed to be in the very small minority thinking we'd be having to come up with a boy's name after all.

Same As It Ever Was - Wednesday version

I'm guessing the title says it all, right?

Still waiting. Got a text from Ms FoodNetwork's mom last night while we were at a birthday party which got us a bit excited until we read it. It just said "No baby yet just thinking it's going to come in the middle of the night soon."

All pretense of working has fallen by the wayside for me. I had a really tough day professionally yesterday. I'm working with one guy I worked with well in the past and one new guy. The new guy is, shall we say, not the best communicator. I told them nearly two weeks ago I'd have to leave at any moment and why. He seemed to support that but doesn't seem to understand when I say I really can't plan to run a presentation later this week or guarantee I can complete deliverables. Once that call comes, I am outta here. Truth be told, I'm not really digging this project and it was just a place holder until one that is a better fit ramped up. After strong words yesterday I'm officially off the project. I'm disappointed it came to this but relieved at the same time.

Not sure what else I've even got to write about today. I'm just wiped. I did bake a lovely apple cake yesterday. I guess it's technically a chiffon cake because it used oil instead of butter. It's kind of a dense cake so I think it will travel fairly well. Or we'll just eat it for dinner.

<insert long unintended break from writing here>

Ok. Where were we? Oh, right WAITING. Yup still waiting. Just got back from interesting couples therapy session (you all know how much I truly love therapy, almost as much as chocolate). I know I've said it before but our therapist seriously rocks. Loves her. She gets it and is incredibly helpful.

The mister had a bit of a bombshell this morning (and no time to tell me in advance): he got laid off today! Now I know this will sound strange but we are both really happy and excited about this (unlike most of the others that got laid off today and that is not something we're happy about). Truly. He got a good package and insurance through the end of the year. He had been considering quitting to look for a new job but I told him to hope for getting laid off instead. His resume is ready to go and he has a couple of good "ins" at his desired employer. And we're very lucky in that what he does is pretty specialized and there's still a need for it in this economy. Now the timing is seeming pretty sweet because he might have more time at home with the baby.

Texting with TX today in hopes of encouraging this not-so-wee one to make an appearance.

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Sorry for no replies today but I'm just too wiped. I do appreciate each and every comment and perhaps after a nap I'll reply.

Same As It Ever Was

For all of you obsessively stalking this space: still here. Still waiting.

Ms FoodNetwork had another appointment yesterday. She's a bit more effaced and a tiny bit dilated. The baby has dropped. The baby's head was felt. So maybe tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday? Oh and the midwife had a vision it's a girl. Not sure what her stats are on her visions but perhaps we'll add another data point soon?

It has been pointed out to the mister that he will be adding another Virgo to his family, if all this goes well. Apparently some people think this calls for sympathy. I think as long as he does everything the way it should be done then life will be smooth and organized. ;)

We I survived the in-laws visit (though I LOVE calling them outlaws, thanks MM for that). It was good it was brief but we had a lot of fun in The City. I tried not to take offense when they thoroughly enjoyed two activities I'd suggested FOR YEARS which suddenly sounded appealing when the mister suggested them. Why do I bother?

Our therapy session was tremendously helpful although I'm not sure what our therapist made of our introductory remarks ("Not much has happened since you went on vacation. An expectant mom called 13 days ago and she's now overdue and we're waiting for her to go into labor any minute. millie's dad was just diagnosed with prost@ate cancer and her mom is not disclosing her own medical issues and the mister's parents are in town and at their usual tricks."). Our therapist is fantastic! She helped us identify what we need through all this and some concrete ways to be kind to ourselves. She has walked more than a mile in our shoes and that is priceless.

She helped us see how some of the particulars in this situation (staying at the family homestead and the legal concerns) are likely how this family is expressing their fear and concerns much like that recent situation did with names.

We've made progress on the names front. We have two solid full names for a potential girl and are thisclose to a fully baked boy's name in the event the midwife's vision doesn't come to pass.

We still aren't sure how the first days/weeks after the birth will go. To Louise's point (and btw I hope none of you worry about being presumptuous because I enjoy thinking about your questions, truly), I think this family would like time for all of us to bond, in a more expansive way. We all want a similar kind of adoption and this could be a very special time to all be together. I think it's more about bonding our families together than just their bonding with the family. I know I would like to talk more about a transitional period and I'm hopeful that talk will happen. The good thing about this baby taking its (her???) time is that we do have more of a chance to talk through some of this and also to get to know each other.

In our consultant's service many of the families have a co-parenting period. Often the first day or two are spent together then there is some sharing or back-and-forth with the baby. Many of the families we know spend much of the days together and then the baby spends one night with the adoptive parents and the next night with the birthmom. This can go on for a couple of weeks. Sometimes the birthmoms breast feed, other times they pump and still other times the baby is completely formula feed. I know these scenarios are likely very different from what many of you experienced and can be hard to wrap your heads around.

 Most of the other babies are born in hospitals and there are hospital plans in place where the expectant mom expresses her wishes. Our consultant is great at working with the expectant moms to make sure their wishes are verbalized and that everyone (adoptive families, hospital staff, other friends and family) is aware of these wishes. This situation is fairly different because Ms FoodNetwork will only be at the birthing center for a few hours AND she and her mom haven't been open to hearing about how some of this can work.

Honestly at this point we aren't sure of what Ms FoodNetwork wants or that her voice is being heard and that concerns us. Her mom is a strong driving force and has very clear ideas about what she thinks is important. In fact, I think as long as she supports an adoption plan it will happen and she seems to be completely in favor of this adoption happening. I do know that Ms FoodNetwork has been thinking about adoption long before she even told her parents she was pregnant. That is really important to both the mister and I because if we felt that she wanted to parent we would not be moving forward with this.

The mister and I are very much on the same page about that. We're currently thinking we'll stay on the family homestead for a few days and get a hotel room for the remainder of the time. That is for us. We do recognize that we need to take care of us in all of this. And clearly I will need wifi to blog about all of this.

The other complicating factor is that school starts next week. I know Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to miss much school. There might be some other ways we can have a transitional period that might allow her to at least resume part of her life. We're just trying to be flexible about all that.

So this weekend we'll see a couple of movies and perhaps a musical (Wicked, anyone?). I'm going to bake some treats for Ms FoodNetwork (she's requested dairy-free (yogurt ok) and chocolate free...any ideas)? We'll hang out with our friends here. We'll play a little Rock Band. And see what the next few days bring us.

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@jen:Rocks with salt? Yes please!

@jen2: Chug away! We love the local brand around here (Hangar One) in all splendid variations. When you visit, we'll take you on the tour.

@MollyM: LOVE all your suggestions! You rawk! Am printing them out and posting on my fridge. Must remember to take down before next visit.

@luna: Would love to hear your suggestions about transition as well.

@Michell: You are ON for cupcakes! Raspberry vodka with red velvet cupcakes???

@Heather: Zen received. Thanks! Love your excuses as well!

@Becc: Thanks so much for commenting!!!! Thanks for reading as well. I know how hard it can be to delurk and truly appreciate it. Feel free to write or comment anytime.

@Red Headed Momma: You don't make mistakes with anything! I think the side agreement will solve everything. I think it's more important to hear their concerns and acknowledge them and try to show "good faith" in actions and legal things. It's also important for me to hear what's behind this fear and not let it irk me every time I think it's settled. Working hard to be your Zen momma-to-be like I was your Zen-bride (although I suppose it's an oxymoron to work hard to achieve zen anything.Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm).

@Sue: We all use math everyday. Are you and yours watching the Tour of Ireland?

@LutC: Thanks!

@Lousie: Did my explanation make sense? I'm open to other suggestions and always open to feedback/questions.

@Roni: You nailed it: speeding train and anything but all at the same time.

@Pocket: Welcome home! Hope to see you guys soon. Wanna go to cool baby gear sale tomorrow?????

@DeadBug:Saw our mutual doc last week and thought of you. She still has great shoes. She chastised me for going so long between visits.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Blah Blah Blah

So it's still going on, this waiting thing. I don't think I've got much else, really.

Some parts of the waiting are easier and some parts are harder. We thought we'd worked through all the legal issues and arrived at a solution that everybody agreed with but that seems to be back up for grabs.

Without going into too many boring details, it seems inherently problematic to Ms FoodNetwork's family that the law requires relinquishment on their part with legal custody held by another agent (agency or lawyer) until finalization. We thought by doing a more specific kind of adoption with an additional contract specifying what would happen if we did not finalize that everyone would be happy. Our agency sent some necessary forms and some sample forms and let's just say not everyone is happy.

The other thing that we're grappling with is what will happen while we're in the Lonestar State. I've alluded to this in the past but our preferred approach is a longer transitional period than many people might like. We totally support Ms FoodNetwork breastfeeding, if she chooses to do so, and some time co-parenting or all together. In a perfect situation that's what would happen.

Right now there is a lot of talk about a "bonding period" where we'd all hang out. That's great. There is not yet any talk about a transitional period which is something we feel needs to be discussed. We're also not sure how much of this is what Ms. FoodNetwork wants versus other people in her life (family, midwives, etc). So luckily this waiting period is giving us potential opportunities to try to talk through some of these issues as well.

As zen as we're trying to be, the mister and I aren't sleeping much. There's just too much chatter going on in our heads.

We're talking to our consultant nearly every day. And getting tremendous support from many of the other families and birthmoms in her service. THIS is the time when she really shines and we just tell ourselves over and over how grateful we are to have this support and help.

I got a funny call from our consultant this afternoon. She told me we owed her "big time" because she'd just spent over 2 hours on the phone with Grandmom. If you've ever met our consultant you would be shocked to find anyone that can out talk her or even keep up with her! I'm sure there's likely to be a similar call from Grandmom saying much the same thing. ;)

I do think these calls are all helping. We're doing a lot of relationship building and even though Ms. FoodNetwork and her family are turning down many of the resources they're being offered (phone consults with the agency here and attorneys, counseling, support from birthmoms or grandmoms, etc) the mere fact the opportunities are there and the communication lines are open is helping a great deal.

So the waiting continues.

To make things even more interesting the mister's parents arrive for a scheduled 41 hour visit (can you tell how much I'm counting down?). I've been doing the math all day. They're here for 41 hours. I'll go to the gym for 2 hours tomorrow and 2 hours on Friday which gets me to 37 hours. We'll all sleep/be in bed for 6-8 hours tonight and tomorrow night which gets me to 21-25 hours. Showering should take another hour. I have a work conference call tomorrow for an hour as well, two if I'm lucky. Couples therapy (clearly NOT something to be skipped when my in-laws are in town) is 50 minutes plus 20 minutes driving and parking. Their plane is currently 2 hours late. Now we're down to approximately 15 -19 hours, right???? RIGHT???? I can do that. I'm sure I can do that. How hard can that be?

Just send vodka.

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@Michell: Thanks again!

@Elana: Your picked the perfect names, however you ended up with them. Simply perfect. I hope we do as well.

@Aimee:You weren't supposed to be a member of this club either. I haven't read the amazing Pamela's book but know her blog well and got to hang with her last year at Blogher. She is as awesome as she seems. Glad to know it's resonating with you.

@Arsela: Why do people think their input matters on names? I hate everyone has strong opinions. That's part of the reason we've always said we'll simply tell them all when it's a done deal. The last name is gonna be a big deal with the mister's family because it's gonna be mine, not his. My evil SIL did that first (although we planned to long before she did) so at least there's a trend but I know they're going to be pissed.

@Bea: Thanks! Don't think any more than necessary!

@NotOnFire: LOVE your idea! Thanks so much!

@Pamplemousse: He knows you can relate all too well! Love Emma but way to popular here.

@Francine: If only he'd be totally reasonable at all times then we'd never fight. ;)

@MichelleL: Hope you had a fabulous vacation! I knew your youngest's names but must say I like all of them! Thanks for the training warning. I passed it on to the mister and he is now also hoping we get to fly back. At least we'll have plenty of diapers/formula/etc.

@wavybrains: Good thoughts are always appreciated. Thanks!

@Tonya: Thanks! It really is heartbreaking for them. I hope they'll read all these lovely comments and take some solace from them.

@Red Headed Momma: See??? YOU totally get it. Ceasar salad is totally clear and comforting. NO ambiguity whatsoever. He knows how crazy I am about the screws in my electrical sockets. Why should side dishes be any different? Perhaps our men should run off together and we can just plan the perfect meals for each other. I'm sure you of all people would never commit any wedding etiquette faux pas.

@LutC: I tend to just spin myself counterclockwise 10 times then clockwise 10 times. Repeat. That helps maintain a bit of equilibrium. ;)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, (updated to include) Weeping for My Friends

So the sitting, waiting, wishing part continues on and on. We're getting used to that, trying to live in the present and enjoy this part of the process. I'm trying to not loose my temper with the mister at the drop of a hat. I'm not doing as well on that last part, truth be told.

We're both a ball of nerves. I think all things considered we're doing really well. As long as he doesn't ask me what to get at the grocery store and offer no specific suggestions when we're planning a dinner for friends. Green salad with vegetables? I don't even know what that means. What kind of lettuce/greens? What specific vegetables? What dressing? What fat? Cheese? Fruit? Nuts? WHAT IS A GREEN SALAD???

I wish that was a made up example but I am mortified to say I did completely lose my shit yesterday over just that.

Our lovely friends the game-designing architect and his craft writing/toy designer wife came to dinner. We served our favorite burgers (thank you Jamie O), spicy sweet potato fries, a Cesar salad (nice and specific, don't you think?) and a strawberry rhubarb crumble with vanilla ice cream. Drinks were pitchers of Pimm's Cup (not the plural and all hail Pamplemousse and the Head Banger for supplying the Pimm's).

Then we played a few hours of Rock Band and called it a night. Good clean family fun and an excellent distraction.

Ms FoodNetwork is still very tired and very hot and ready for this to be done. None of that has changed. We're still texting and talking and getting to know each other. I had a lovely chat with her mom this morning and that was very nice for both of us.

Now for the weeping part: a couple of our friends had their hearts broken today. Like so many of us it's been a long, hard road for the Swede and his Yodeling Bride. The Swede and I go way back (well, back to 1999 which is a whole different century, right?) and worked together a lot at our old company. He's the one that started my Yodeling as well. His wife is just absolutely lovely. They've been through the wringer in lots of ways, not the least of it fertility-wise.

Things finally came together for them. The decided they wanted to try a DE cycle and they spent a lot of time finding the perfect donor and coordinating that cycle. We talked to them throughout the process and tried to support them as much as possible. Our heads are really back in those days but I hope we were of some help. The cycle went well. Textbook, even. Lots of great betas, all high and doubling. Off the singleton charts and solidly on the twin charts (yes I also got them hooked on betabase). Their RE referred them to an OB and they had their first ultrasound appointment.

In a perfect world, they should have seen one or two strong heartbeats. This world sucks and there wasn't a heartbeat. Only an embryo that stopped developing a couple of weeks ago.

They are new to this part of it and still trying to be strong and look on the positive. The mister and I are still Extra Bitter and furious at the world for them (just as we've been for far too many people that we care about). I woke up to this news today and the mister and I have cried many tears for them. If we don't leave for a couple of days then I hope to help more concretely as my sisters here have done for me so many times. I had so hoped their journey would be an easier one from here on out. Someone's should be, right?

I can feel all the love and good wishes coming for us and our current situation through the interwebs and it does sustain us. I wish the Swede and his Yodeling Bride could feel that as well.

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@THALIA: You are owed a real email in addition to a reply here. It's only my laziness that kept me focused on the comments from the previous post and in no way at all a reflection of the quality of your comments. Thank you for offering up Horatio but I fear we must pass on that one. ;)

@wavybrains: I guess we're officially matched but not sure? That sounds weird, right? She's only talking to us and committed to us. Thanks so much for the doula information. I think her midwife is also a doula and there will be 3 of them at the birth (or something). I'll pass along the info to Ms FoodNetwork because I'm all about giving her as many resources as possible.

@milenka:Yup, B&J has Smores ice cream. It's awful though. I'm sure you'd hate it. ;) I actually love your kids names. I think they go perfectly together and perfectly with yours.

@francine: Thanks for the recommendation and support. Can't wait until we're using them together recording our kids. Might be taking you up on that excuse.

@jen: I don't even want to think about that heat until it's forced upon me. Here's hoping there are no ac breakdowns while we're in Lonestar State.

@Rebel: I decided to make it as interesting as possible for anyone who went offline even briefly. So not far of me, I totally agree! We don't know the sex yet but will certainly let you know.

@nearlydawn: Thanks for the advice. It is feeling better to be hanging back here, at least for the moment. I do agree that one sling and a bjorn should tide us over.

@michell: Thanks for the company. I think missing the inlaws is too much to even hope for at this point.

@sparkle: Yes please to email the names!

@molly: So good to hear from you!  I don't want to give too much away but you might have just listed one of our very fave names. Great minds and all that.

@RedHeadedMomma: Hayden just confirmed many of my internalized rules and I like using as an example. So how do you feel about babies at weddings? Luckily the grandparents will likely love the excuse to come down. :)

@aimee: OOOOOH! Love your ideas about videotaping the rooms and such. We've mailed photos but will be fun to take some video of all that.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...that's us. I'm listening to a little Jack Johnson and trying to channel my inner zen. The days are seemingly longer and longer.

Yesterday I finally told the guys I'm working with that I might have to jet off to the Lonestar State on very short notice. They're clearly guys because their response was "well, as long as you have wifi you can still work, right?" Our team is fairly dispersed anyway(the technical lead is in Minsk for a few weeks, another key player is in Moscow, the clients are in NJ and NY) so if it was just a trip for some other reason that would be fine. I'm pretty sure there's no way in hell I'll want to lead conference calls or send a lot of stupid emails about search engine optimization or website design. But good to lay the groundwork and initiate the conversation.

Yesterday Whole Paycheck lived up to it's name. Thanks to you guys I picked up some Gripe Water, Almond Oil, assorted Burt's Baby stuff and a can of organic formula. I think it was probably the 4 bottles of white wine and 4 six-packs of expensive beer for our Man of Honor's birthday that really set me back. What says Happy Birthday to a beer loving psychiatrist better than Lobotomy Boch?

Best part of the Whole Paycheck trip? Getting carded. I always like to note the date because each time I think it'll be the last.

Also thanks to Aimee's suggestion and the lovely Francine's help over the phone, the mister and I got a cool but teeny vidocamera last night (the Flip) and we love it.

In my rush to get the carseat cover free from cat hair and drool, I lost one of the teeny tiny pads that covers the bottom buckle. Of course you can't buy just that one teeny tiny pad. So I called the manufacturer and ordered a whole new cover/pad set. Then I called what is now my very favorite baby gear store in the world. I'd recently purchased a travel bag for our stroller (before the call last weekend actually) and had great service with them. It turns out they are located in the very city we hope to fly to soon. And my new bff Gail found an open box return on the same color and has swiped the pad for me. We can pick it (and perhaps some other fun baby gear) up in person when we arrive! Problem solved!

We hadn't talked to Ms FoodNetwork so I thought it would be fun to text a bit (her email is down until Tuesday at the earliest and didn't want to pressure her with a phone call). I don't have mad texting skillz but am not afraid to use emoticons and lol to show I'm not as old as my passport indicates. Her midwife appointment yesterday went well but drained her. She's only 70% effaced (and not sure about dilation) so now they're thinking sometime early next week. Or later next week.

The mister's parents arrive here at 7 pm next Wednesday for 42 hour visit (apparently when you're retired you just don't have time to visit with family for long which as you might guess is hunky dory by me). They're spending the weekend down south for a family wedding that they told us repeatedly we wouldn't be invited to attend (does anyone think a volume or 10 of Miss Manners or Emily Post would even make a dent with them?).

I don't know if I complained about this trip earlier so forgive me if I'm being redundant. But when they scheduled the trip they gave us two options (Wed-Fri this week or Mon-Wed next week) and instructed us we'd each have to take a day off work. Seriously that's what they said "you'll need to take Thursday or Tuesday off". Who does that? I told the mister I didn't think they could afford my billable rate but we'd see once they received their net30 invoice. He thought I was kidding.

With just a little luck we'll only have time enough to see them briefly in the airport. With even more luck we'll miss them by a few hours. I doubt I'm that lucky but we'll see.

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Replies to previous comments (because I'm too lazy to deal with it any other way)

@beagle: I've been thinking a lot about you and yours. So many of his baby clothes are now safely packed and ready to be used! Your son shares his name with this baby's birthfather and I think it'll mean a lot to the family to know that connection.

@K: Bring 'em on! The good, the bad and the ugly.

@Jen: I knew you had excellent taste.

@bonnie: It all started with a baby named Hayden here a few years back for me (and that name does not go at ALL with their last name). Then Aiden got ruined with all that SATC stuff. And Britney with her Jayden. Then too many Cadens. I do like Braeden (epecially yours!) but my DNA boss and another friend have already used it up.

@Carrie: I love love love Baby Name Wizard and Voyager. I've been obsessed with that site for years and think she's done a great job with it. Do you know Nameberry ? That's one of my other fave naming sites.

@julie (I can even do wacky twittering like replies to show off): I hate to inform you that neither of your children break my naming rules. The birth certificate is all important and since you gave your eldest a non-nickname name there then that is peachy keen with me. Your youngest qualifies under the Social Security Popularity Index because it hasn't broken the top 20 although it's rated very highly around our neck of the woods. Try harder with #3. ;)

@michele: Thanks!!!

@Aimee: Got a videocamera now thanks to you and F! It's really hard to come up with 2 names we like.

@Pamplemousse: Bring on the names! It wasn't nearly as much fun to shop without you and I probably did an awful job of it.

@daisy mae: So far about 36 lbs and holding. I've been stuck on a plateau for a few months but hope to see the needle heading down again. I'd like to lose another 11 lbs at least but if I can just stay where I am that's better than before, right?

@amys:William is also a family name but not one the mister likes too much.

@arsela: Thanks for all the tips! I'll definitely bring more wipes and lotion for my hands. If the baby is very overdue I've read that their skin can be dry and cracking but we'll see if that comes to pass.

@wavybrains: Trying to be good about updating and it helps keep the nerves down.

@kimmie: Still here. Enjoying your lovely photos of where you are. I bought Ben and Jerry's Smores ice cream yesterday because of one.

Another Day, Another Update

So today seemed to go in slow motion. I slept in and skipped the gym (shhhhh, please don't tell on me). I suppose it's technically considered sleeping in because I didn't get up until 8:30 but I didn't get to sleep until after 3 so it's not like I was laying about all day.

We talked to Ms FoodNetwork before the mister went to work. She'd had some false labor last night but not too much else was going on. She has another appointment with her midwife tomorrow so we'll get an update after that.  Her dad is convinced that tonight is the night because there's a strong Oaktown-TX connection (aka our hometown football team is hosting that TX team with the cheerleaders). It's funny because none of us are football fans but are looking for connections anywhere and everywhere at this point.

We also talked more about names. I thought I'd written about all my various rules for naming but that was back before the May Days of Drama as we like to call it around here.

I've said before I have a lot of parameters for names that I like. I'm sure none of you are surprised by that, if you've read me for very long (especially if you know me IRL). I'm posting my rules here in the spirit of fun, please don't take offense if your favorite names break all my rules. It just means there won't be an overlap between us and no one will get hurt feelings about losing out on a name they love.

So without further adieu here are Millie's Wacky Naming Rules:

• Must be a real name, not a made up name.
• Must not originate from taking various syllables of names and combining them. Most definitely not spelling anything backwards.
• Could be spelled backwards in the case of RedRum but that breaks the first rule so no RedRum.
• Must not be a nickname. Jack is a great nickname but is not a name. Same for Maggie.
• Must be easy to pronounce and spell by most Americans. As much as I love Scottish/Celtic names and/or Swedish names we live in the US and not Scotland or Sweden.
• Must go nicely with the last name which is my surname and very well known all around the world and very typically Scottish (or Irish according to my former team over there).
• Must be spelled normally (not some wacky spelling just to be "different").
• Must not be too popular. Can't be in Top 10 for US names and prefer that it's not top 20. So no Isabella, Madison, Sophia, Caitlyn, Emma, etc for girls and no Jacob, Ethan, etc for boys.
• Must not end in super trendy combinations (anything with -ella for girls and -aden for boys).
• Can not be a boy's name co-opted for use on a girl (although I loved it in some of my favorite tv shows like Sisters and Alias).
• Bonus points if it ties into one of our family names, even if it's just the first letter.
• First letters of important family members: A,J, M, W, N, H,C, I, E, S
• Bonus points if it's a somewhat classic/old fashioned name that isn't too old fashioned. Or too popular.

Luckily for me the mister nods his head and smiles. He seems to go along with it all.

Packing/Stuff Update to yesterday's post:

I do have a sling of my own (Hotsling in a fab pattern) and a Baby Bjorn from my next door neighbor and both are now packed! I meant to include them on the list but was clearly brain dead. I'm hoping to add additional baby wearing devices (moby, mei teis, etc) to my arsenal at some point.

I've got some tiny little hats and socks and mittens. Some kimono wrap shirts and some lap gowns. Pacifiers and a collection of little bottles. All the baby stuff is packed in packing cubes and stuffed into the pram which is now inside the body bag. Camera is recharged and ready to go. We don't have a camcorder (but perhaps it's time to upgrade my iPhone...it's so 12 months ago). So far so good!

I do need to pick up some gripe water and various ointments. The reading light is a great suggestion as well. I have a couple of baby books packed too. I need to charge my Sony Reader as well. I even bought a new summer wardrobe in under 14 minutes so I can survive the TX heat. Imagine my surprise, er utter shock, when the saleslady suggested medium. And they fit! I am hardly in danger of being the skinny bitch with the baby but I do have the second part down. ;)

Tune in tomorrow for another episode...

Chugging Away

So far we're still here at home. The mister and I are getting antsy and just want to head east. Things are still chugging away and moving forward but it looks like we need to learn a little patience. It's safe to say that's neither of our strong suits these days.

The social worker visit was fine. She seems really cool (our last SW left our agency just after completing our home study). Not much has changed for us since the original report so she was only here for about half an hour.

Our consultant totally came through for us. TOTALLY. We're reminding on a daily basis of why we chose her. THIS is where she shines. She talked to one of her bffs who is a local well-respected adoption attorney and who is recommending a slightly different way of doing things. It's a way that protects the birthmom's rights so that the state or agency can't give custody to anyone besides the chosen family. All the Lonestar folks like this approach and are very happy to get less involvement from the state, no power to any agencies and rights protected all around. Yay for our consultant!

If we didn't have our consultant it's very likely this potential adoption would be going sideways.

All that being said, it's still 50/50. We repeat that to ourselves and our friends and families a lot right now. Last minute = 50/50.

We're chomping at the bit to get to the Lonestar State but we don't want to impose or pressure anyone. Honestly we're not getting any work done here and it would be more fun to be not getting any work done there. It's a city we've always wanted to visit and we could just go and explore some. Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to have us just waiting around waiting there which could be her way of saying she's not ready to have us there and that's totally cool.

But it sure would be nice to be able to do some more relationship building in person. It really could be another week until the baby comes. We're taking it day by day.

I am trying to keep busy but it's sooooo hard. I'm still going to my morning gym class but I have no focus. I also injured my back/ribs/obliques/something a couple of weeks ago rowing and now I'm relegated to biking only. It's much harder for me to concentrate on the bike (I don't get as many lovely numbers that scream YOU AREN'T CONCENTRATING as I do on the erg). Between the lack of sleep and lack of focus it makes for an unsatisfying workout and a somewhat cranky millie. Though I do think the workouts are helping keep me sane through all the craziness of this year (or at least saner than I would be if I weren't working my butt off).

And now for a funny (at least to me) story of how poorly my brain is currently working:

I decided to wash the car seat cover today. Actually the cat helped with that decision (or more precisely the cat drool). The mister and I struggled to get the seat cover off. The manual said it was easy. The internet said it was easy. We could get it almost off, save for one stupid buckle that was sewed completely on both ends.

So today I made the trek to the combination kids gear/squash shop where I bought my lovely lemonade car seat a year ago. It took two bridges and one very crooked street to get there. The kids gear/squash man couldn't get it off either. He tried and determined it was impossible and I should dump the whole thing in a bucket of oxyclean. I was very disappointed that my expensive European car seat was so difficult.

I stopped by another store on my way home (before the 3rd and final bridge of the day) and checked out their model. It was easy peasy to take the cover off on it. I figured mine was just the earliest US incarnation and had the wrong piece in the wrong place. I got home and tried to explain that to the mister and showed him where the other one was different.

Only the other one wasn't different at all. By just squeezing some material I was able to get it off! And in the washing machine, on the handwash cycle with a lovely rice milk scented baby detergent. It's now super clean and super spiffy.

I'll use that as a segue* to my list of things we're planning to take with us. Feel free to chime in and add or subtract things from my list. Or offer up any other travel assvice. Srsly.

• Sparkling clean lemonade-colored infant car seat (that is actually more lime but what do the Dutch know about citrus?)
• Stroller base
• Pram attachment for stroller (can also be used separately as bassinette) for nice, flat place for baby to sleep
• Super lightweight muslin swaddlers + couple of other swaddlers
• Onesies and lap gowns
• Tiny socks and mittens
• Pacifiers
• Burp Cloths
• Bottles (dropins for the train)

I'm thinking we'll just get some diapers, formula, and other stuff there. We had to buy a body-sized duffle bag to fit the pram and we can just pack the baby stuff in smaller packit cubes and fill the pram with that.

So what else do I need for a week or so in Lonestar state and 2-3 days on the train?

*Am I the only one that things "segue" looks totally misspelled thanks to that goofy scooter?

Time for Quick Update

Things are continuing to move at lightening speed here. Since we last chatted we were able to get our fingerprints done yesterday. We also scheduled our home visit for today (yikes!) and wrangled up our house-cleaner and wayward landscaper to help make the house a teeny tiny bit presentable.

We also had a long conference call with our consultant and Ms FoodNetwork's mom. If you've ever met our consultant, you know she likes to talk. So does Ms FoodNetwork's mom. Even though Mom was hesitant to talk to our consultant they really hit it off. We heard her concerns (none of which are about us but more about an agency or a lawyer having legal custody of the baby until finalization) and discussed some possible ways of mitigating her concerns and protecting the baby and birthfamilies's rights.

We were completely exhausted after the 2 hour marathon conference call. But really pleased that things are definitely in motion.

We went out for a quick sushi and sake celebratory dinner and then tried to watch an episode of The Wire (Season 3, Episode 1). We were both so drained that we dozed off an on during the show and finally plopped into bed at the late hour of 9 pm.

We've been on fast forward all day today getting the house ready and making phone calls. The social worker is due any minute. I'm sure it will go fine. Then we'll call the Ms FoodNetwork and catch up on her day. With a little luck we'll be on a plane headed east by Thursday at the latest.

I'll post again after the visit with some advice questions regarding travel specifics.

Sorry to keep y'all waiting today! Thanks for all the support and good wishes. You're the best. Really you are.

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you see smoke? If so, I think it's likely our phone lines smoking from all the use this weekend and today.

It truly is a manic Monday around here.

I've been on the phone so far to our local agency, a local attorney and two attorneys and one agency in the Lone Star state (home of Ms Food Network). We're also trying to relationship build with Ms FoodNetwork and her family. Many pictures have been shared and we're starting to talk names.

Of course nothing is going to be easy. It turns out we need FBI fingerprints and clearance not just Department of Justice. Some states require them. So we're doing a walk-in today and hoping for the best.

We also need another home visit and report for the Lone Star state. That's likely to set us back a little under 1k. With a lot of luck we can schedule it for tomorrow. With even more luck we can get the house close to acceptable (and far from the pig sty it is now).

The other situations are all on hold for now. We're frantically trying to figure out if all this is doable. Our pet-sitter is available and on hold. We've been poring over the train schedules and that seems fairly doable (as long as we get some kind of a bedroom) but we're honestly hoping if this works out that a plane gets more appealing to the other family.

Luckily we have most things that we need. Car-seat? Check. Sling? Check. Miracle blanket? Check. Flask? Check and check.

Ms FoodNetwork and her mom were meeting with their family lawyer today. We're totally comfortable with them having their own representation but we really want a qualified adoption specialist (aka quad A lawyer) especially since the Lone Star state has a lot of specific requirements.

We should know by tomorrow if we're flying out this week. Even though it's super frantic around here, that's not a lot of time to worry.

Ok. Off to clean out the fridge and tackle the kitchen.

And it always goes on and on and on and on and on

So I promised a post sooner rather than later. I have had good intentions. Truly I have.

I've been working on a post listing some of the potential complications in some of the situations. I'd love to get feedback from y'all. I'm just going to kind of list the things that are involved but not tie them to the particular situations they represent. I don't want to get too specific as things relate to any particular expectant mom.

So, without further adieu:

• Expectant mom is Hepatitis C+ but HIV- (no treatment for Hep C and never acute phase).
• Expectant mom is long time drug user, other children born addicted to opiates but are fine now (no learning disabilities/ADHD/other effects), used cocaine early in pregnancy but clean for 5 months/never uses alcohol.
• Biological dad died in car accident and no medical history information for him (and not sure it can be verified).
• Expectant mom is 40 and no prenatal testing has been done.
• Expectant mom is currently incarcerated on drug related charges.
• Expectant mom is getting no support from her parents (who she lives with) or her ex-boyfriend, all of whom are trying to prevent adoption.
• Expectant mom placed another child in open adoption and extended family had good relationship with that child. There would be the possibility for relationship with the sibling and adoptive family as well as extended birthfamily.
• Expectant mom smokes heavily (2 packs per day).
• Expectant mom had no access to prenatal care until 8 months but baby appears fine and healthy.

I'd love to hear from folks who've dealt with some of these factors. Please feel free to email me privately.

I got home from the gym a few days ago and the mister was on the phone with yet another expectant mom. It's a bit overwhelming how many leads we have right now but what a great problem to have, right?

The mister and I have been working hard to get the nursery completed. The fresh paint job was completed a week ago. The floors were refinished this week. We were so excited to move all the crap nice baby furniture today. In fact, that's all we planned to do this weekend. Well put up the expensive curtain rods from that store that Emily/Scrambled Eggs used to write so much about AND move the stuff back in.

Our phone rang right in the middle of our brunch. It was the expectant mom who loves her Food Network that we talked to six weeks ago. She wanted to see if we'd matched with anyone yet. She'd been working with another couple but it became clear to her that they hadn't deal with their infertility and their lawyer was being incredibly aggressive. Her mom had a lot of questions for us. We both talked to her mom for a couple of hours. Then we talked to our consultant and other folks. We talked to the expectant mom again tonight and will be burning up the phone lines again tomorrow morning.

She's due on Tuesday. Like in a couple of days this coming TUESDAY. But she thinks the baby won't come until Wednesday or Thursday. OMG. OMG. OMG. (we said a lot of that around our house today). OMFG.

There's a lot to work out between now and then but we might be heading on a very long road trip (her mom doesn't want the baby to fly when it's so little) or flying out and renting a car to drive back or taking the train back or whatever we have to do.

So the last complicating factor would be an expectant mom who's about to pop but wants us to be there at the birth and she lives 1759 miles away. Has anyone driven that distance with a one week old? Hypothetically speaking, that is.

Thanks for all the lovely comments and thanks to all of you that check in on me. Truly.

PS To Sue: my very very fave sprinter is the amazing Aussie himself: Robbie Mc.Ewan. Lurve him so much. He's the reason I joined Twitter. And Robbie Hunter of South Africa. But this year the Man from the Isle of Man won my heart (and 6 stages!) and I was rooting very hard for Tyler. For GCs my heart belongs to VdV. And Levi. Even LA is up in my estimation after this year. Who do you like?

PPS To Oro: For real. WTF was up with Alberto? I loved Lance's tweets about him after the race. My respect for AC plummeted.

PPPS To Chris: Move away from my windows, lady, or I will call the cops.

We Interrupt Fun With Names

As much as I love talking about names and my crazy naming rules (although from some of your comments I can tell many of you will agree with me), that's not where this post is going.

The last week has been full of drama. The kind of drama that you don't really want but you know is part of this wild ride called "adoption". The kind of drama that has me no longer thinking of names and, instead, canceling all plans to go forward with NHL.

It's ok. Really, really ok. The mister and I are fine with this turn of events. Truly.

We had inklings earlier on there would be drama at some point. When someone gets incredibly angry at other people, you wonder when that anger will turn on you. Because it will. When someone puts you up on a pedestal and over idealizes you, you wonder what will happen when you fall off that pedestal a bit. No one can live on a pedestal forever.

This week that all came to pass. It was something I'd been waiting for since our trip last month. The mister wasn't convinced I was right and thought I was over analyzing things, imagining personality disorders in every nook and cranny. He was busy studying to be the ubergeek while I was mastering the DSM so it's not a big surprise. 

When the proverbial mess hit the proverbial fan, the mister and I had some serious decisions to make. We chose to ride it out a bit and see if we could all get past the drama. We thought perhaps it could be a chance for us all to deal with some tough issues and set the stage for working through even tougher things in the future. Adoption is hard work. The kind of open adoption we want can be even harder at times.

Last night we got an email from NHL saying she was choosing not to move forward with us. I'm not going to lie: we were a bit disappointed but mostly we each let out a huge sigh of relief. There was so much drama in the previous week that we couldn't imagine what the next three months would be like, much less the next 20-30 years.

And we are both very, VERY happy this happened now rather than at the hospital, or after the hospital. That would be so much harder and likely heartbreaking.

Our consultant has been great throughout this time. We keep saying to each other "oh yeah, THAT'S why we chose her and why we paid her". She advised us to bow out gracefully and graciously last week. She's seen these situations many times and they never work out well. We are happy with how we've handled everything and have no regrets.

So we're turning the google ads back on, working on a facebook group, opening our hearts and hoping something great will come our way.

Oh and we know something fabulous will be here soon: The Pamplemousses arrive in a little over a week and I can't imagine anything better for us right now. 

What's the Name of the Game?

I know I'm past due for an NHL update. It's been a fairly eventful couple of weeks. I'm struggling with what to write about here and what to leave out.

I'll start by saying that things are good on the whole. Things are progressing, moving forward, feeling right. All of that is positive. We were hoping NHL would visit us here towards the end of June. We wanted her to see our house and our lives. We wanted her to have some time with our consultant one on one, and with all of us together. We hoped to time it over one of the big monthly meetings so she could meet some of the other folks in the service from all parts of the adoption constellation.

She was warming up to the idea and tentatively planning on a trip. Then a short while back she was in an accident. She's fine, the baby's fine but she was already wary of flying so far from her home before the baby is born. It adds a lot more stress to her life and we don't want to pressure her.

The trip was planned for about the time we can officially match. We're in this strange place now where we aren't truly matched but we're not seeing other people. There are many good reasons not to be matched until she's around 28 weeks but that doesn't mean we aren't relationship building.

One of the things that's been coming up a lot is the name game. This is also one of the things that's weighing heavy on my mind right now.

Back before we knew it was a girl, NHL had started sending us lists of boy names. I think the idea came from an initial conversation she had with our consultant. Now, I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone who's been reading for a while that our consultant has her own (sometimes peculiar) ways of doing things. One of the things she has a process for is naming the baby.

I'm not sure if all of you know how the process works in adoption situations. All adoptees have an original, unaltered birth certificate with all the information from their birth. This birth certificate is sealed upon finalization of the adoption. (As an aside, we're hoping to get a copy of this for our children before it's sealed so they'll have it). Then a new birth certificate is issued with some old information (time/doctor/witnesses) and some new information (adoptive parents). It can be really hard on some adoptees that have different names on their birth certificates.

I had a long discussion about this last week with a good friend who's an adoptee in reunion. She said she'd had 3 different names during her life (one set from her birth mother, one her foster parents and one from her adoptive parents). She said it didn't bother her to have had different names but she felt bad for her first mom who now had to call her by a different name after not knowing her for such a long time. It's funny because I think both her first name and current name fit her very well. Her adoptive mom was distraught when she found out they'd changed her name. They asked the agency if there had been a name given to her and the agency lied and said it was only "baby girl". Her parents have always seemed ahead of the curve in adoption issues so that wasn't a surprise they'd been concerned about these sorts of things from the beginning.

I  believe that naming your child is an important part of claiming your child but it's also an incredibly charged and sensitive area, especially when trying to form a lasting bond through an open adoption. In a perfect world, our children will have the same name on both birth certificates and that name will be mutually agreed upon.

I think I might lose a lot of you here. I know this sounds strange but bear with me.

Our consultant likes to approach this by having the adoptive parents compose a list of three names and present them to the expectant mom/family. Then you work together to (hopefully) agree on a name that EVERYONE likes. She likes doing it this way because she had a couple of adoptions that nearly fell through because the first family hated the name the adoptive family planned on using.

So this is what she explained to us many months ago. This is also how she explained it to NHL. NHL loves the idea of being involved in the naming of this baby (and I really think she should) but it's been hard because she started sending us lists of names. Long lists of names.

I should digress and tell you I have very specific naming rules of my own. I think they might even deserve a post all to themselves. I think I'll do that post next but for now I want to focus on what all this brought up in me. Let's just say it wasn't exactly pretty.

It was easy enough when we didn't know the sex of the baby to not really engage about the names. I was secretly relieved when the baby was a girl because we had a fresh slate. I'm trying to learn how to navigate these boundaries. I'm trying to process what this all means to me and why it's so much harder to be confronted with this than all the other things I've given up along the way.

But when I get these lists of names its just so very hard. I do want NHL to be involved. I do want to be able to follow our rules and hers and to come up with something that will work for all of us. I want that to be in a way that's comfortable for me. I wasn't sure what that looked like.

I realized I really wanted the mister and I to have a nice solid list first. I wanted to spend some time, just the two of us enjoying this part of impending parenthood. I mean how awesome is it that we're making a list of names? It freakin' ROCKS! It's fun, fun, fun!

There's a lot to negotiate between the two of us. I really want our first child to have my last name. We're not going to be a family that all has the same last name and I have very strong reasons for wanting our first child to have my family name.

As much as we'd like to play the name game with NHL we needed a couple of rounds to ourselves. We've spent the last week or so thinking and ruminating. We have a short list that pleases us both. We're still not quite ready to share that yet. We're currently pinning that one on our "mean ol' consultant" who won't let us talk about names until we're matched.

It's so nice to be planning for the future, with a baby that might be ours (or maybe not and that's ok too). I can't imagine not including the NHL in these talks eventually but I can't handle doing that just yet.

I'm wondering how others have handled this situation. Did you find it as hard as I am? How did you include and/or honor your child's birth family in the process? If your child was given a name when they came to you (or when they were born), did you keep that name?

UP NEXT: The rules of the name game. Feel free to play along from home (or, perhaps a bit more likely for some of you, from work).

I should be outside enjoying this weather

Good grief but the weather here this weekend is gorgeous. Just spectacular. It's in the low 80s and sunny. My plan was to spend as much time outside as possible. Instead, I'm still in my pjs on our formerly comfy couch.

It's been a catch up kind of weekend around here. Last weekend was all about taxes. It was a rough one. When you're a self-employed consultant who's never committed to setting up your own business, you pay every April 15. And pay and pay and pay (actually I pay every quarter but this one is always the worst). I'm hoping to decide between an LLC and an S Corp in the next week or two and finally get off my duff. If this means anything to any of you and you have assvice/input/horror stories please feel free to email me. I could use all the help I can get about now.

What I really planned to write about here was one of the bumps in this potential adoption. I'm not sure it's really a true bump but it does complicate things a bit and we're not sure how it's going to play out. I'm also struggling with how much and what I want to write about here so bear with me as I struggle through this.

It's about the biological dad. That's the term I'm going to use because that's the language NHL uses. It's about him and it's about the two of them.

I think it's likely very common to have issues between the biological parents in a potential adoption situation. In fact, it's probably the norm. I know in other situations we didn't have much information to go on so that would be easier in some respects (terminating rights) but much harder in others (we really want to include as much of biofamily as possible).

I know it's not uncommon that a biodad will leave once there's a pregnancy. Many of the birthmoms I know were very upset during their pregnancies because they didn't get the kind of support they wanted/hoped for from the biodads for a variety of reasons.

That's certainly part of this situation. But this biodad wasn't given much of a chance to provide any support either. I can understand why he's shocked and surprised to find out that NHL is pursuing an adoption plan. He was lied to for months and that's a tough thing to find out.

Right now we're in the middle of all this. NHL has asked us to go along with not naming the biodad on the birth certificate. We've explained to her why that is unethical and wrong and we would not move forward with her if she felt that way. She's also asked us to promise that he wouldn't have contact with the baby. I can understand why that feels unfair to her but that is not a promise either of us would make for a number of reasons.

We can see a path where we develop a relationship with him that is separate from our relationship with NHL. She can't see that. I do understand that. She feels like he has no rights because he didn't support her in the way she wanted/hoped for from the beginning. I understand that as well.

In our minds, it's about what's best for the baby. There are many reasons why we think it's important to forge a relationship with the biodad. We'd feel that way in any situation because in our perfect situation our children will know as much of their biofamily as possible. I think in this particular situation it's even more important because this baby is biracial. I especially want her to know the side of her family that has a different heritage from NHL (and us). There are also half-siblings involved and that contact is not something I want to deny any child of mine.

We knew there would be challenges in any situation. We're moving forward as best as we can. This is where our consultant is so great and truly earning her keep. She's dealt with these situations time and time again. She'll make sure that we all proceed in an ethical manner and that no one's rights will be trampled on. I know there are lawyers and adoption "professionals" who would encourage NHL to lie and then terminate parental rights however possible. I'm so very glad that group doesn't include our consultant.

I'm sure there will be a lot more to come about this. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who's dealt with similar situations. We're trying to find a balance here of supporting NHL while trying to feel out the other side and just navigate through all of this

Weekend in New England: Finally The Recap!

I know. I know. I KNOW.

I've been back for a week and all I talked about here is basketball. Please forgive me.

I'll cut to the chase: our trip was wonderful. It was amazing, exhilarating, intense and exhausting all at once. I can't believe it's already been a week since we returned. I can't believe it's only been a week since we've returned.

It really was a whirlwind trip. We left super early on Friday morning. One in-flight movie and a couple of episodes of The Office and we landed in Boston. (The last person I want on my case is the lovely daisy mae: I only called it Bean Town in that other post because it worked so nicely as a foil against Mo-Town. PROMISE!) We actually packed light (for once!) so we quickly picked up our car (thank you, thank you, Gold Service) and headed north.

We make it to our lovely b&b in a very quaint town in record time. We had a brief nap and freshened up. Then it was time to meet NHL. She wanted to try a nearby Thai restaurant and we're always in the mood for Thai, so what could be better, right?

Now, I really must digress. You know sometimes you meet people that you've felt you've known your whole life? Maybe you're internet friends and you've emailed and talked on the phone but not yet met in person? Or maybe it's just me. I've had a lot of experiences like that. There are a lot of folks from Wedding Land that I met after much internet discussion. Usually it was ok. Sometimes it was great the great from the very first time we met IRL and we couldn't stop talking for hours and hours(I'm looking at you Aimee and Bebe and the one formerly known as FirstTimer; and Emily and InAHoldingPattern/FinallyArrived and Anna H and Scrambled Eggs and all you NC gals from Blog Land).

And even more rarely it's just so incredibly easy and natural and just so very right you know that's just how it was always supposed to be? Like when I showed up on Liana's (teendoc's) doorstep all those years ago and now I can barely comprehend that was actually the first time we "met" in person.*

Yeah, it was like that. NHL is family. Whatever happens going forward, she is part of us. It was great. We talked for hours. We had a few things to share with her including some books from our consultant and some cookies I baked for her.

We met early the next morning for the ultrasound and regular appointment. It was amazing. Truly amazing. We were so honored to be invited to share such an incredible experience. We saw the fetus in such incredible detail: every vertebrae, the bladder, all 4 chamber of the heart, a tiny foot.

The midwife was really great too. She answered all NHL's questions and said she was doing great. They can continue her Saturday appointments for a while which works great for NHL's job. All is going smoothly with the pregnancy and NHL and the baby are both in great hands.

After the appointment we went out for a leisurely breakfast and some shopping on Main Street. It was just great hanging out and all getting to know each other. Then we took a bit of a break. We all needed naps before dinner.

We met closer to NHL's home for a lovely dinner overlooking a pond. Dinner was nice but it started to cut into basketball time. I'm serious. I had warned NHL that I was obsessed and there was a game. I wasn't sure I wanted her to see just how fanatic of a fan I really was but figured she should see us warts and all.

Even with the warning, she was a bit stunned. She stayed for part of the first half but then it was past her bedtime so she headed for home. It was past mine as well but there was round ball to be played.

The mister and I had a more leisurely morning on Sunday. We enjoyed the nice breakfast at our b and b and then checked out a possible longer term rental for the fall. Then we met up with NHL for a brief visit. We got to see her home and take a few photos. So nice!

We headed to the Big City and a short visit with a friend of mine from my geeky high school. It was so great to visit with him and his family. His wife is also an incredible midwife who is very connected in that area. She embarrassed their oldest, reminding him that I was there when they took him on his very first march! He was only 6 week old and one of the youngest activists on the mall for a large ProChoice march back in the day. Yes he's driving now and applying to colleges (he was more interested in talking about his rowing with me than his activist infant-hood). It's nice to have local folks who are super supportive about this next chapter of our life.

The flight home was easy as well. We got 2 movies (TWO!) including one we wanted to see (Frost/Nixon) and one we didn't know we wanted to see but still enjoyed (7 Pounds). It was pretty late when we finally made it home to our dogs and cat but they were glad to see us.

There are more plans with NHL. We're hoping she'll take us up on our offer to head west in a few months and visit us and attend one of our crazy monthly meetings with our consultant. She's invited me to be her labor coach and signed us up for an all day birthing class in July. We've put down a (refundable) deposit on a lovely in-law apartment in Quaint Town, overlooking the river and just down from Main Streets for a month at the end of the summer/beginning of the school year. We're not officially matched (that can't happen until she's 28 weeks or so) but still getting to know each other and enjoying the process and journey.

Oh by the way, the mister and I are working on our list of girl names. The NHL was convinced before the ultrasound that she was pregnant with a boy but it turns out she's not. It's a feisty, future soccer-playing, very strong girl in there. There's still time to get used to the idea that it's a girl.

There's a lot that can happen in the next few months. We're not assuming this girl will be our girl. We firmly believe that NHL will need to remake her decision after birth and we need to give her the space and support to freely do just that. But for now we're moving forward and trying to navigate this particular ambiguity. That's all good. There have already been some bumps this last week and I'm struggling with what I will and won't write about here. But, for now, we're just living day to day and trying to do the best that we can.

And we are working on that list of girl names.

*For those of you that don't know, that's how I met teendoc the first time. She (and her Adoring Husband) took me in at a crucial time for me. We cycled together at the same clinic at the same time. It was also a pivotal time for her for a lot of reasons. Even though that cycle didn't work for either of us from a baby perspective, it certainly added a very important person to my family.

The Boys Are Back in Mo-Town

Well, well, well. My Heels are headed to Detroit. I'm very excited and think they'll do a fantastic job. I'm tired of hearing about all their faults. They can't play another fast team (oh, really...take that Gonzaga). They don't play defense well (um, Oklahoma might feel differently about that now). They've already beaten one of the other Final Four teams on the very same court just a few months ago. Now I don't want to get too far ahead of myself but if they just focus on their game, they will win. They are the team to beat. Even our president thinks so.

Speaking of not getting too far ahead of myself, the mister and I are awfully excited about next weekend. We fly east at the butt crack of dawn. There have been a flurry of emails between NHL and us. I think she's just as excited. I know she's worried we might not like her in person (ha! I sooooo don't think that's even a remote possibility) just as we are worried about the same thing. We're all trying to come up with places to see. She wants to entertain us but is unsure of what to do. We want to see her life and share ours. That means potentially showing her just how crazy about basketball I really am.

I've told her there's a game. And that the word "fan" is clearly derived from "fanatic" when it comes to me. She's being a good sport but we've already told her if she needs to bow out or rest then that is more important.

We've started talking names with NHL. That's several posts all on their own. The mister and I have a hard time with names on our own so this is likely to be even more interesting involving a third party. Since we're finding out the gender I'm hoping to delay some of the name stuff for a bit. We have time, lots of time.

Oh and that 30 minute row? I kicked some serious erg-ass with it! I was ridiculously proud of myself. I beat my own goal. It was a realllllllly long 30 minutes though. Shortly thereafter, my body began to fall apart.

Two hours after finishing the row, my right eye started swelling. I spent that afternoon at a variety of docs and got some great drops and told to rest. I took Saturday easy (um, except for the game, duh!) then Sunday went for a 2 hour bike ride with the mister and my training group. I thought my sore throat that day was from yelling at the tv. The sore throat got worse throughout the week. On Friday night I added sharp, piercing ear pain to the mix and couldn't sleep at all due to the pain. The on-call doc said on Saturday it was likely an ear infection that would heal itself. Um, it hasn't. Today's doc realized I somehow ruptured my eardrum (so that's the source of the blood in my ear) and promised to write my mom a note saying it was not due to loud music (or even basketball)...just way too much fluid. She sent me to the pharmacy to ask for one of those drugs that you have to sign your life away to get these days because they think you might be cooking something at home besides cupcakes. I have a day and a half to get it under control or add steroids to the drug cocktail.

My ear hurts. A lot. But I will do whatever it takes to get on that plane this weekend. My boys may be heading to Motown but I've got a very important date outside Bean Town

Do You Ever Sit and Wonder?

I found myself with several free hours today. Unexpectedly free.  Unwanted free time. What happened pray-tell?

A toe ruined my weekend. Well, not really ruined but changed a lot from what was planned. And it wasn't even my toe. Who knew one little toe could do that much damage?*

How did I spend my free time today? Planning a trip to New England. In three weeks.

Yup things are going well. Really really well. NHL invited us to her 20 week ultrasound. Her doctor and clinic were amazing and they arranged a Saturday appointment (!) when she told them we were flying across the country for this. I found a lovely bed and breakfast that's near the hospital in a quaint little town and not far from NHL. Not to get too far ahead of myself (ha! clearly too late for that) but the lovely innkeepers have also penciled us in for their cottage for several weeks later this year. There aren't a lot of lodging options near the hospital and I think it would be great to have a slightly bigger space if/when we end up returning.

There's so much on my mind. I thought I'd have more time to write about it but work has gotten surprisingly busy. My contract has been extended through the end of June (awaiting final signatures) which is perfect timing.

NHL is doing great. She is lovely, just so very lovely. We've been emailing a lot. She sent some baby photos of herself and more ultrasound pictures. She also sent the mister a birthday card and signed in NHL and baby. I sent her a couple of pregnancy books I still had for some reason. She was so thrilled to get a Saturday appointment because she starts a new job with normal bank-like hours and doesn't want to miss much work for appointments in the beginning. She thought she might have to find a new doctor but is hoping to work this all out. I happen to have a good friend near her who's wife is an amazing midwife is helping us with resources and options. A nice bonus for the mister and me is having friends close by (even though they are across state lines).

She's also talking to OC on a regular basis and doing reading and thinking and all that good stuff. We're not officially matched (that won't happen until she's at least week 28 or so) but we're spending a lot of time getting to know each other. We're not the first couple she's talked to but we are the only couple she's currently getting to know. She's asked us to answer a series of additional questions (from OC's checklist I think) and it's given us all a good way to get to know each other.

So we seem to be in a pretty good spot. We are enjoying getting to know NHL and can't wait to meet her in person. We're also trying to make sure we give her the space now (and in the future) to make the best decision for herself and her child. There's definitely an ambiguity in this that I'm trying to balance. I think I'll be doing more writing as I think through and live through this process.

So that's what's new with me. What's new with y'all?

Up Next: Key West...Two Very Cold Days with No Sunsets of Note But At Least Very Few Birds

*If you're a fellow Heel or follow ACC college basketball then you'll know who's toe I'm talking about. If you don't then you can just assume it's one of those crazy American sports things (something that Tertia assumes quite often with me).

PS The title of today's post is brought to you by the song that's currently stuck in my head. The always amazing Ben Folds, one of my very favorite performers (and homies), will be coming to the gorgeous new theater that's practically down the street from me. Tickets just went on sale today and I'm already jazzed for the show.

Please come to Boston for the springtime

What excuse can I come up with for not posting recently? Hmm, I know I overuse the old standby of "work" but that's all I've got. Millie is one dull girl. All I do is work out, work, go home.

The working out part is going well. I'm in Week 6 of my intensive training program (although I was sick all week last week so I suppose technically it's Week 5 for me). I am truly working my ass off. I still don't like getting up at 5 am and I don't think I ever will but I am really enjoying the results of my hard work.

The working part is going pretty well too. It's amazing how I have taken my skills in copying, pasting and the occasionally saving to new levels. It's truly a career! I guess the true skill is know what to copy and paste but many days I think a trained chimp could do what I do. My current job site is a fun one, though. They treat contractors amazingly well and there are hundreds of us. It's looking like my contract will be extended through June and that is very sweet news to my bank accounts.

Let's be honest: none of you came here for these particular updates. You wannna know the important stuff, right? I'll finally cut to the chase.

We haven't ever heard back from the NPL in Portland. We sent her a lovely card wishing her well (and we truly do wish her all the best). We think she likely decided to parent and also think she'll make a great mom.

Shortly after we got back from our trip up north we got some new leads. One came as a phone call from the mom of a NPL. We've talked several times and the mister has talked to her as well. The NPL is in the process of moving back in with her mom. We are headed to their state on Monday for an overly long family vacation with the mister's entire family. I'm sure you can imagine my joy at the prospect of many long days (and nights) cooped up in a rather large house with all the mister's folks.

Don't even get me started on how the original plan was Hawaii (then Puerto Rico) but now we're going to The Sunshine State. In high season. Which will cost more than either of the other options. And - here's where you see how you can take the girl out of the South but not the South out of the girl - will be full of Yankees. There's a reason Southerners don't go to Florida in the winter. It's not all that warm, the water is too cold for sane people to swim and it's full of Yankees. You're all jealous, aren't you?

Back to our story. The plan was to meet up with NPL and her mom but I'm not sure that's going to happen. We've only talked to said mom and not the actual pregnant person yet. I don't know about any of you but I'm not sure when I was 21 that I'd want to just go along with my mom's plan for anything, much less let her find a family for my baby.

In this midst of all this fun planning we also received an email from another NPL. In fact I'll call her NHL because 1) there are too many NPLS; 2) it'll be easy for me to remember that because of her state and 3) it's hockey season.

There have been many emails back and forth between NHL and us. OC thought she might not be legit because she wrote an awful lot in her first email and sent a ton of pictures. She also used some British phrases and a yah00 email which is commonly associated with both Cameroon and Nigerian scams.

Turns out she likes to write a lot and uses some British phrases and spelling. And since I have several yah00 emails myself (and they've paid me a lot of money over the years) I'm not going to hold that against here.

There's a lot more to say and I'll be saying it. I PROMISE! I really really really mean it this time.

She's not very pregnant (not due until August) so we have lots of time to get to know each other and I have lots of time to blog about it. IF we match, that won't happen for several months. OC, the mister and I believe very strongly in not matching until the 3rd trimester. No exceptions. Period.  There is just too much concern about manipulation and coercion - even if it's just her getting to attached to us and not wanting to let us down.

We really, really like her. She really, really likes us. She also really, really likes OC and is doing lots of work with her. She's educating herself about adoption and asking herself and us great questions. OC really, really likes her as well. It's a total love fest!

For now we're planning a trip to see her in about 7 weeks. I'm much more excited about that trip than the one next week.

Trip Report

Man, this work thing sure does get in the way of blog posting. Gone are the great days at Yodeling Inc when I had so much free time on my hands. Also gone are the days when I had a whole cube (or office!) to myself. It's a lot harder to blog when there are 2 other sets of eyes in your cube.

We had a very nice trip to Portland. We got upgraded to first class (both ways!), upgraded to an SUV with a free navigation system (oh-so-nice when you're in an unfamiliar town) and upgraded to a king suite in a very cool hotel.

We got to spend time with some old friends of mine and ours and make some new friends, thanks to our consultant.

But methinks y'all don't care much about any of that.

We met TNPL for lunch on Saturday and it was a nice long lunch. We chatted for almost 3 hours. We showed her a photo album of our house, neighbors and loved ones. We gave her a copy of one of our favorite books (since we're all readers and since we looooove Powell's). We talked about all kinds of things but not much about adoption.

We tried to make plans for Sunday but she was exhausted so we said we'd touch base later. After we dropped TNPL off where she's currently crashing we checked in with OC (Our Consultant...can't remember what I called her before). She said we needed to be a bit pushier and make definite plans.

So I called and left a message early Saturday evening. She didn't call back. The mister called and left a message on Sunday morning. She did call back but said she had an event she wanted to go to on Sunday and couldn't meet with us.

I think this is fairly typical for TNPL. Over the past week or so there's been an approach/avoidance thing going on. I think our time together on Saturday made all of this all too real and she needed time, space, distance. I think she's in a great deal of denial. I don't think she's processing much of this. She's trying to do it all on her own but I'm not sure she's really motivate to do that work right now. She has no plans at all for after the baby comes (in approximately ONE WEEK PEOPLE) and I don't think that's a coincidence.

OC has offered lots of resources to TNPL but she's doing the whole approach/avoidance thing with that as well. I'd love to see her take advantage of some of the resources just because I think it would help her clarify what she wants. There are several birth-mom's in OC's service that have reached out and offered to be a sounding board. OC herself is a great resource for her and has alot of experience helping women find resources, ways to parent, etc. I think she's likely to just stay in denial until after the baby is born.

I do know that she really liked us and we really liked her. The mister thought I was being overly cautious when I told him Saturday afternoon that I didn't think we'd see her again. Right now he thinks there's about a 1:3 chance of us moving forward.

I think he's on some high quality drugs. I do think there is a very slight chance she'll call us again and want to move forward, maybe in the next week, maybe after birth, maybe in a couple of weeks. But I'm pegging it as about 1:100 or so.

And you know what? That's all fine. Really. The mister and I are totally ok with this. We like that we had this experience. It's good practice for when another situation comes along. We love that we reconnected with some people we care a lot about (and we both got to hold a two week old!). Our fertile friends in PDX were among the most sensitive fertiles we've ever met.

We also adore the couple OC hooked us up with in PDX. They are part of her circle of clients and reached out to us. They supported us and gave us a haven and a sounding board on Sunday morning. The took us into their home (with snow all around...so beautiful!) and made us yummy raspberry muffins and home made bacon. And just sat with us and "got us".

THIS is why we are with OC. THIS is where she excels. She will continue to work with this situation but advise and protect all of us. She made sure we and TNPL were taken care of and gave us guidance and support and a very safe and welcoming place in a city a few hundred miles away. 

As always there is more I want to think about and write about but I wanted to at least get this part out there. Thanks to each and every one of you, whether you're reading here or reached out after my cryptic Facebook status today. Your support helps tremendously.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm finishing up my first week at my new work gig. It's been totally fab. The people are great, they are smart and friendly and fun. The commute isn't so bad thanks to a bus that picks me up at the train station and drops me off in front of my building. There's a heavily subsidized cafeteria with all organic food. There is not a free coffee bar like my Yodeling gig but so far this one is much better.

The mister and I are headed up to Portland on a very late flight. The good news is we got upgraded. The other good news is that NPL called us after several days of radio silence and confirmed our plans. We were thisclose to canceling the trip but are very glad to be going.

We broke down and told our parents and that's many more posts in the making. My new mantra is "It's a process...it's a process...it's a process". They're still coming from a place of fear and I suppose that's to be expected. It's very frustrating when one of us calls home, shares our news and wants to talk about all the wonderful possibilities: how we're connecting in an important way, how we want the same kinds of things in an adoption, how we're processing all of this and their 'rent asks the usual questions that people coming from a place of fear ask: when will papers be signed, what's the baby's ethnicity, what's the medical history, were there drugs and/or alcohol.

Not too surprising that's the mister's mom. My own mom didn't ask a single question besides due date (and FREAKED at the answer) and tried to be as supportive as possible when I started talking about "longer transitional periods" and a short period of "co-parenting".

Now I know many of you are likely freaking out about a couple of those things as well and I do mean to fully get into our thoughts and wishes about all of that soon. Truly.

But tonight I'm leaving on a jet plane, headed north, just open to the possibilities and the opportunity to meet this lovely woman and focus on the present and not get too far ahead of myself.

And thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. As always, your support is amazing and oh-so-wonderful.

BTW my friend Amie is loving Cape Town (how could she not?), the good Dr. Champagne and will see the gorgeous and divine one very soon if not earlier today. Holding thumbs for a great transfer for Amie perhaps on Monday. Did any of you former Cape Town gals know they do 5 day transfers now? I had no idea!

Happy Belated New Year!

It's still 2009, right? I'm sure anyone who still reads this must wonder what hole I've been hiding under.

I've started a post in my head at least 100 times in the past few weeks but just never got very far. One of my goals for the year is really to blog more but this isn't the most auspicious start.

Soooooo, where did we leave off? Oh that's right. Before the holidays.

Well the holidays came and went. The mister and I went over the river and through the woods (on a place) to grandmother's house (where my parents live now) for a short visit. There were presents and merriment. The first present I got is still my favorite (it's a visit in exactly 19 weeks from the amazing Pamplemousse!) but there were others that were nice too. We made it back home in time to celebrate New Year's with friends, games and bacon ice cream.

Yes, you read that right. I made this candied bacon ice cream by the fabulous David Lebovitz because our NYE hostess with the mostess is a huge bacon fan. I know it might not sound great but trust me: it rocked the loft. The new year came in on a champagne and bacon induced high.

We made it a full two days until the first dog fight of the year. It was awful. It was also entirely the mister's fault so he feels a great deal of guilt. I know we're making progress but it's just so draining. My poor pups were both sore for days. The mister and I were sad and overwhelmed for days. Suddenly the year didn't look so bright.

I've never liked January much as it seems to be full of bad memories for me. I tore two ligaments in my knee on the first ski run of the season fifteen years ago. The first ectopic pregnancy was over the MLK holiday weekend five years ago. Our failed donor cycle was about the same time three years ago.

I've tried to work on my attitude in the last few weeks. I've been hammering out a contract work gig at a local Big Pharma. It took more time to finalize the details than I would have liked but I start next week and am pretty excited about the gig.

The same day I was told for sure that I'd get the gig, I signed up for an intensive training/workout program for the next 11 weeks. I suppose part of it is New Year's resolutions but most of it is I want to get in much better shape this year and might as well use the time before we get a baby to focus on me. Once I got the contract I knew I could pay for the training program at my gym so I signed on the dotted line.

Oh and that same night? I got a call on our 800 number from an actual pregnant woman, not someone trying to pay their cable bill.* She had called our adoption consultant earlier in the day and really liked our profile. We talked for a little over an hour and it was one of the best conversations ever. She's just very lovely and incredibly articulate about what she wants in an adoption and for her daughter. We skipped the small talk and dove deep into much more important matters like our journey to open adoption; what our ideal match situation looked like now and in 5 years, 10 years, etc; why we chose our consultant and how we defined an "ethical adoption".  She asked really tough questions that made for a great conversation.

I was so excited when I got off the phone I couldn't sit still! Thank goodness for facebook. Our consultant's assistant was online and we started chatting. She asked what we'd talked about and I told her. She asked what the baby's ethnicity was and I said I had no idea because we'd been talking about trust, openness and honesty and much more important things to me than ethnicity. She laughed and said that was what she loved about us and one of the reasons we'd make great parents.

To cap it all off this NPL is due FEBRUARY 2ND!!!!! And if you missed it, it's a GIRL!

I've been told time and time again that if I start moving forward with other things in my life that adoption would just fall into place. I still don't think I believe that. I do think I would love the problem  of having to cancel my contract job or losing money for my exercise program because there was a baby. What an awesome "problem"!

There have been several other calls since that first call. The mister had a lovely and long conversation with her the following night. We've sent some information to her. She sent us a long email profile that she wrote for herself with a homework assignment that took most of last weekend (just another example of how seriously she is taking the process). We've talked a couple of times this week.

And we're flying up to meet her next weekend! We would prefer to fly her down so she can see our house and such but she's due on FEBRUARY 2!!!!!! so that's not just not possible. We're very excited to meet her. Honestly we're just excited to be moving forward and not feeling stuck.

We've gotten several other calls this week but none of them were good matches for us. It's nice to see the website hits and even nicer to get calls.

The process with this NPL is going well, it just feels good. The other ones did as well but in somewhat different ways.

So I guess you're all caught up! Not much going on here. ;) New job starts Monday. Working my ass off 5 days a week, 2 hours a day continues. Trip up north to a city I love to visit to meet a woman I think I'll like even more in person (Portland, by the way).

And I want to send a special shoutout to my friend Amie. She's in CAPE TOWN by now for her donor cycle. I'm so freakin' jealous. She gets to be in my very favorite city. See my favorite doctor. AND meet up with the gorgeous and divine asshole herself. Lucky girl. The mister and I are holding thumbs and sending much love to you and your mister across the miles.

What's new with the rest of you?

*Our 800 number used to belong to one of the very big cable companies and it's still in automated messages they leave for customers. I have called many times trying to get it resolved but I think I'll just get a credit card machine and start paying off some of my own bills. ;)

Insert Clever Post Title Here

I'm finally home after a loooooooong trip. There was much fun, merriment and 10 cent martinis. How can that not be good?

I do have a lot I want to write about but am still processing some of it. My December resolution (why wait until New Year's Day?) is to post much more. I'm not working, not traveling and actually have things to write about so I shall be writing.

New Orleans was totally amazing in ways both good and heartbreaking. I definitely have a lot to say about our trip there.

DC was good but soooooo cold. I survived by shopping (new hat, scarf, gloves and tall black boots) and drinking (that's the family part of it).

We decided to tell our families about TNPL in an email since things seemed to go well. We knew there would be much trip planning while we were in DC and both the mister and I felt strongly about not stealing his brother and partner's thunder.

My MIL was so excited when she got the email that she couldn't nap. How cute is that? How much of a switch from the evil woman who confronted me nearly 4 years ago and spouted off about why we should do donor eggs (at least it would be the mister's baby) and how you never know what you'd get with adoption! There is hope for her after all.

I don't think there's much hope this particular situation will work out though. We haven't heard from TNPL since our canceled meeting. I left a message while we were in New Orleans and another once we got home. I still had some hope until after the second message.

I talked to our consultant today. She had also left 2 messages with no response. She said that probably 9 out of 10 expectant moms who consider adoption do this kind of dance where they consider adoption, read some profiles, maybe even meet with prospective adoptive parents, then disappear. It's often too hard and shameful to let the PAPS know that plans have changed. I hope that isn't the case with TNPL because we, of course, support and honor whatever she decides to do. And we truly wish her and her baby all the very best.

Yes it's disappointing, I'm not going to lie. But it's really as bad as you might think. I know another situation will work out. I just don't know when. Much like our first NPL this seemed almost too easy and too good to be true. But most importantly this really isn't about us. I think it's easier because we've given up all semblance of control: we have surrendered.

In six years of infertility we've never had any control. Oh sure we tried to find things we could control like diet, supplements, positive thinking. But that's all artificial. Truly none of us have any control. That's the hardest part to get past but once you do, it's very freeing.

It's also easier because it's hoops season, baby! My boys in blue are off to a fabulous start and provide a nice diversion. In fact there's a game tonight! Go Heels!

It Rode Us All the Way to New Orleans

I didn't want to leave town without an update. Unfortunately I don't have much of an update but do have a request.

TNPL had to cancel today's meeting due to a family medical emergency. I missed her call early this morning (bummer) but left her a message telling her we were thinking of her and her family and sending good wishes and thoughts. So if any of you have any spare good thoughts please put them out in the universe for her family.

We were hoping to have an official "match" today and that was our current requirement for parental (and family) notification. Now I'm not entirely sure we should tell everyone. I'm leaning towards telling them but don't want to have to constantly update and explain. It wouldn't be such a big issue except the mister's 'rents are planning a 50th Anniversary family trip - right over the due date of TNPL in January. I'd feel much more comfortable planning something in February instead but that means spilling the beans about TNPL. Oh and we're going to be spending Thanksgiving with most of the mister's family so it's not like we can go radio silence.

In other news, the mister and I leave early early EARLY tomorrow am for New Orleans. Woot woot! This is Sabbatical Phase 2. We'll be there for a full week! Our plans are to mostly eat and drink our way through the city. We have gotten some great recommendations from our friend Bebe but feel free to pile them on here.

Then we're headed to Washington DC for 10 days of family (his), friends (both of ours) and fun (for everyone!). I'm super stoked to meet my very favorite in-law's relatives. And because I'm not a very nice person I'm also stoked that my least favorite bil won't be able to make it.  I have offered to be my very fave in-law's sous chef and serve at his beck and call. Here's to no repeats of the infamous Sweet Potato episode (he would never be that passive aggressive or rude) of several years ago.

But for now the Big Easy is calling...hurricanes, po' boys, beignets and more. Yummmmmmm.

Super Quick Update

I'm running around today trying to get ready for a Halloween party the mister and I decided to host. I still have a ton of things to make/do but wanted to at least offer a brief update. Y'all are too kind to keep checking when I am one of the worst posters lately.

Dinner was great. This NPL (perhaps I'll call her TNPL for a bit) is super nice (much like the last one) and we really really like her. She really really likes us as well. I think she had memorized our profile. She knew every word of it (down to the color of our kitchen which we mention in our profile).

We also met her mom briefly which was great. They live a little more than an hour north of us in a town we drove through a lot when we were going to and from the river.

TNPL  is from a country we love and spent a few weeks in about 6 years ago. I think it's very interesting that both NPLs we've really talked to are from another country. I'm not sure it's very typical but it did give us a lot to talk about!

Dinner went great. There was a lot of talking. There were a few awkward pauses. I'm sure that's all to be expected. She wants to move forward with us. We're not sure how this will all work but we said we'd love to do that and get to know her over the next bit. She's due in January!

So that's where we are. Right now we're hoping for more dinners or lunches or video game marathons or whatever TNPL would like to do to get to know each other.

It Got Better

I haven't written much about our monthly adoption meetings lately. We didn't go for a couple of months for obvious reasons (at least obvious to us). We didn't want to have our first check-in back with NPL in attendance. We wanted to give her the space and the support of the group when she needed it the most. We never want her to hear what we had to say about our experiences with Mrs. Vulture-Hag and her over-the-top aggressive lawyer. So we skipped June. And then we skipped July when they were all there with the new baby. There wasn't an August meeting, thanks to Labor Day but there were two in September and we went to both. And we made it to October's meeting last weekend.

And it's been really good.

We missed seeing the other people in the group. It was so awesome to see some recent successes. One of our very favorite couples was there with their brand new daughter last weekend.

We also got to hear some stories both shocked us and helped prepare us for the future. Our consultant talked about a couple of recent experiences with social workers who are too new and too green and just don't "get it". One of them in particular had a young woman in tears. Ms Consultant is a kick-ass advocate for the expectant moms she works with and for prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) in the midst of difficult situations. We remembered why we chose her.

I know many of you have questioned having both expectant moms and PAPs at these meetings. I honestly feel this is a really good thing. The last meeting was an example of how nice this can be for all. I think that very few expectant moms have the chance to have a strong network of other expectant moms/birthmoms. I know how much support I get from my friends who have been down this path. It's tremendously important to me and I am so very grateful to have that.

At the last meeting there was one expectant mom (due in a week or so) and 4 birthmoms with kids ranging from 5 years to 2 months. The very pregnant girl is very scared about a lot of things and who can blame her? And she had a chance to talk for a long time 1:1 with some very supportive women who have truly been there. She's in counseling (another great thing about the service) but having some sisters of the heart is incredibly powerful.

The last meeting was also a bit surreal because there was a camera crew from that music television channel. They're doing an in-depth program on teen pregnancy that will air next spring. The camera crew was fairly unobtrusive. Maybe we'll all be video stars next year.

I started this post planning only to write about how nice the last few meetings have been for us and how much better we're feeling about things. There's even more to feel better about today. We got a call yesterday from a nice pregnant lady. She's talked to our consultant a couple of times and was sent our profile. She really liked it. She's very interested in meeting us as soon as possible. So we're having dinner with her tonight! Now I'm off to bake some treats for our party tomorrow night and that will give me something to take to this nice pregnant lady.

Getting Back in the Groove

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! Makes this old dog feel a lot better.

We're off to our real house for a night to attend an adoption support group meeting, the mister's mysterious ship party (something geeks do after working on a big project for years when their game is finally out and flying off the shelves), and get some quality time with our kitten.

Life on the river is flowing right along. We've had a more relaxing time. We found a fabulous yoga class that meets in a local community center. It feels so good to be this good to my body. I've really missed yoga but just haven't had the energy to be able to do those kind of things.

We've also spent a tremendous amount of time working on our adoption website. We've been working with an amazing woman who does great work. It's a good thing we've had this much time to concentrate on it because even with her doing all the heavy lifting it's taken huge chunks of our time. It's about 90% done today and should get finished tonight or tomorrow night. Then we'll add the statcounter, link to a few carefully-selected-by-our-consultant adoption sites, and wait for the phone to ring. We recently found out that our 800 number is a little too close to one of those cable companies. Perhaps we should just offer to start taking those credit card payments people are offering up?

I'm happy to share our site with anyone who'd like to see it. We're pleased as trash can punch as how it's looking but I'd love to get feedback on it. Just shoot me an email or leave yours in the comments. I'll likely be posting the link in my Facebook status as well for those of you that are on Facebook. And if you're on Facebook but we aren't friends, why the hell not? I need more people to send plants and save the rainforest.

Playing a little catchup

Well this Monday was easy-peasy as far as Mondays go. Or at least as far as they go lately.

Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? Bad millie. BAD MILLIE.

I suppose a lot has happened (and nothing much) in the last two weeks. We had a couple of frustrating calls with our consultant. We had a really nice meeting with her assistant. I think that was last Monday but my brain is a big foggy.

Thank for all the great comments and even greater support. I feel like a broken record but it really does mean a great deal.

We're still not thrilled with our consultant. We're pretty sure she's not thrilled with us. But we have found a way for it to work, for at least the foreseeable future. Her assistant is a total love and gets us. And gets why we're so upset about all of this. She gave us some very concrete ways of dealing with all of this and offered to run interference as much as she can. We met with her for a couple of hours in the middle of the day last week (um, can you say "work from home'?) and it was just such a relief. We've missed seeing her and she's missed us. It's awfully nice to be missed.

She hooked us up with the most amazing adoption site web designer and we're going gangbusters on our web site. We'd hoped to get it done for free by a friend but that's been dragging on for a bit. I think it will be done in another 2 weeks. We already have the domain and the 800 number so this is the last piece. We also got very specific feedback about which sites to link to and which to avoid/not bother with. This will be great because we do have some folks in other states looking out for us and it will be so awesome to just send them to the site.

Last week we went to a drop-in monthly support group for waiting families that our local infertility/adoption group is sponsoring. It was actually GREAT. I think both the mister and I were a bit surprised at how much we both got out of it because lately our attitude has been more along the lines of "why do I want to meet a bunch of other people that are gonna get their kids before us".  It helped tremendously that the lovely luna and her fine man were there. There was another couple who'd been waiting about the same time as us (also domestic), one lone couple doing international (and I felt so bad for them that no one else could commiserate and they're in the whole "our country closed" horrible space) and one couple that had just had a rough patch. Both of the facilitators were adoptive moms and one was a therapist. It really was a great group. We're looking forward to meeting again or getting another more structured group going.

One thing that was so clear from the other group members was the general lack of support most people feel. The blogosphere has been such an amazing source of comfort, support and friendship to me that I want EVERYONE to have something like that and that just doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe luna and I will convince everyone to hang out a shingle.

So all the adoption stuff just feels better.

Oh there was an icky part to this Monday. I guess I blanked it out. I had 11 vials of blood drawn. 11. And not a Spinal Tap sort of 11. I had my regular thyroid stuff, annual physical stuff and, just for kicks, infections disease bloodwork as well. It's nearly my birthday and that's how I like to celebrate. For those of you playing along at home, this is the SIXTH straight set of infectious disease blood-work I've had done. Six years of blood-work and no baby yet. I wonder if my lab will through in the 7th for being such a frequent flayer.

The lab was pretty slow today and there were too many idiots like me who decided to take care of everything on a Monday morning. Did I mention it was fasting blood-work? I nearly fainted. Good times.

Then the mister and I went and test drove a couple of cars. We weren't going to buy a car until January but I found out over the weekend there is a certain Zoom Zoom car company that makes a hybrid only available HERE. With a full tax credit. And heated leather seats.

So we tried the zoomy car and we also drove the Sub@ru F0r3ster that we thought we were likely to buy. They are very very similar and we're trying to decide. If you internets have any opinions, bring 'em on. Our goal is to fit one baby, two dogs and a stroller in something. As my love friend from Arkansas pointed out, we might end up with twins. In which case we won't leave the house for several years and the dogs will never get walked again.

Best news of all: THREE DAYS OF WORK LEFT!!!!!! I'm soooooo very excited. And sooooo very done. We're heading north to the lovely SeaTac airport (and surrounding environs) to visit many friends (hoping to see Ms Emily/Scrambled Eggs and perhaps Ms Michele during that time but I've been too busy to email them so perhaps they'll read this). Then we'll be living on the lovely Russian River in NorCal for a month of resting, reading, hot tubbing, dog walking, drinking, biking, yogaing, and napping.

What is it with Mondays?

It seems like it's the same song second verse. This time I'm far less happy about the situation.

The mister and I left town on Friday to go camping (for the first time in 2 years). There was an email from our consultant announcing a situation, for anyone who was interested. We called the consultant within minutes of the email but no answer. Oh and she doesn't have a cell phone so don't even think about that. We called her assistant. We sent emails to both but did not hear back while we were in cell range. We left messages everywhere telling them we were very interested and please submit our profile. We'd be back Monday night but could come back earlier if necessary.

We drove to another site specifically to check emails and voicemails. Nothing.

Finally we heard back on Sunday and called back right away. We learned a bit more about the situation and that only one other family in the service was interested. We said we'd be back Monday night and were told that should be fine.

We ended up coming back a day earlier for a number of reasons but a big one was to meet this nice nearly due lady.

This morning we left messages and sent emails. No word for six hours. Then the word came and it did not make either of us happy.

The nice nearly due lady really liked the other couple and doesn't want to meet with anyone else. Apparently our consultant didn't tell her there were two couples interested. She didn't schedule anything (although she told me she had).

I totally get that she likes them and have no problem with that at all. But I'm really frustrated with our consultant. It seems like every situation is "unusual" and "just can't be predicted".  The mister called her back about something else and she said "well, you should have taken copies of your profile with you and you could have mailed one on Saturday". He asked why she didn't mail one and she said she was out of them.

OUT OF THEM???? This is the first we've heard that she's even showed our profile to anyone or sent any profiles anywhere much less that she'd given all the ones we gave her away. She gives sample profiles to couples she meet with and I'm wondering if that's what's happened to ours. She told us before that she wouldn't present us without asking first and she's never asked. Now she can't even give us a straight answer about those profiles.

Lately every interaction with her has been frustrating at best. We ask what we could do differently and she doesn't have any answer. We ask ourselves what we'd like to be different with these interactions and we don't have good answers for that either. But definitely more information and at least return calls timely and not just jerk us around. And perhaps keep track of at least whether or not she has our stupid profile.

Do we just never go out of town again? Do we just forget about the thousands of dollars we've paid her and chalk it up as knowledge gained? And if this is one of the most ethical people in adoption, heaven help us all.

Today Put the Manic in Monday

I had plans for today. Plans that involved getting lots of work done and getting back on schedule. It all started off fairly normally: the mister left to take his 'rents to the airport and I left at the same time to go to the pharmacy (I've been off my synthroid for 3 days trying to pick up my refill with the in-laws in town -not good).

I was standing in line at said pharmacy, minding my own business when my cell phone rang. I followed orders (FINISH ALL CELL PHONE CALLS BEFORE STEPPING UP TO THE WINDOW!) and stepped away to take the call.

It was an adoption chick I'd played phone tag with last week. Our social worker had recommended her and I thought I'd see if it might be a good fit for networking, etc.

She asked if I'd be interested in a last minute situation. The nice lady was in labor. She offered to send some info on the nice lady and asked for an electronic copy of our profile. Holy Shit, Batman! That definitely put the Manic into my Monday.

There were a lot of emails back and forth. A medical issue that raised a lot of concerns until I remembered I had a very good friend who could lay out the possibilities for me. A message a baby boy was born. A picture of his mom a bit later. Then the waiting.

I nearly went out of my mind. Beagle chatted me off the ledge and gave me some very helpful tips for preparing for this kind of situation. I then decided to while away the day by shopping and getting the few things we didn't have (diaper bag? check. baby laundry detergent? check. additional cute tiny clothes? check  and check.)

I found myself getting all caught up in the drama of the day. It went from us not sure about whether or not we wanted to be presented to thinking about what would it take if we needed to leave town today. So many emotions! So much nervous energy. My friend pocket gave me the perfect yiddish word to describe it but I was so nervous I couldn't even remember the word! She also suggested I pass the time by organizing the clothes in my closet alphabetically by color (she knew my spices were likely all in a row).

Now I must digress: I don't think I could every organize my clothes that way. I have a number of variables that are taken into account: business vs business casual vs casual, light weight vs heavy (which around here means summer), short sleeves vs long sleeves. Then of course color within each category.

Ok back to the day. I shopped and prepped. I waited impatiently. I thought about the possibilities, always keeping in mind it would never be more than a 50/50 proposition even if we were picked.

I heard back from the adoption chick that while the nice lady liked us a lot we weren't right for her baby. I totally get that but wanted to say "but you haven't even met us". It was  a knee jerk reaction to not getting picked. Of course I totally support her decision. I don't think she'd found what she was looking for in a family today but I hope she gets her whole list.

Mostly I thought "how awful and likely stressful to be thinking about this just a few hours after giving birth." I hope she's getting lots of support in all the ways she might need it. I hope she finds peace and what she's looking for regarding her son. I know the people she's working with have encouraged her to parent and will support her in that if she decides to try that.

And now we're a bit more prepared for a last minute situation. It's still not what either of us would prefer but we'd still take it. This situation had more of the stuff on our Perfect Situation Characteristics but definitely not all of them. The medical thing had us question the entire situation (we're willing to tolerate a lot of risk but there was the possibility of a very rare, lethal genetic disorder) thanks to scary Dr Google.  We did learn we'd need more time to process  and ponder any kind of last minute situation.

But tonight there are freshly laundered baby clothes next to me and the mister is thumbing through a new baby name book. We're hopeful and planning and know that it will work out one day. Today was a fire drill. We're just fine. We're happy tonight thinking about the possibilities of the next call. Or the next.

Please don't feel bad for us when you read this. We're not feeling that at all. Truly. But do send your good thoughts and wishes to the nice lady and her son. And let's all hope I can get some work done tomorrow to pay for all the preparations of today.

One step for right, one step for wrong, step away

I seem to be getting more and more behind. I really do have all these posts swirling around in my head and plan to get them down but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Last weekend was our adoption consultant's monthly group meeting. I can't believe it's been a whole month since that last debacle. Any bets on whether or not we attended?

We were scheduled to go to a 25th anniversary show for one of my fave bands ever, the delicious Camper van Beethovan (this post's title is from one of my favorite songs of theirs). We didn't, for lots of reasons, but that was our excuse for not making the meeting.

Actually we didn't make excuses. I talked to our consultant late last week when she was asking us to drive out and pick up the young couple I wrote about last week. She thought it would be great for them to attend the meeting, you know because the NPL would be there and it would be great for them to talk to the NPL and some other expectant parents and birthparents and such.*

Honestly I do not know what she was thinking. Now in her defense she did ask the NPL if it would be hard seeing us. The NPL was looking forward to it and just worried it would be hard on us. We were worried it would be hard on her.

And since part of the group is about doing check-ins, we knew we couldn't go. We have no desire to ever deal with Mrs Vulture-Hag again (thanks to Anna H for clarifying her name) and our check-in is not something the NPL should have to hear. The next group we attend (and we are contractually obligated to attend 9 in the first year), my check-in likely will be all about how awful it felt to see overt manipulation and coercion and how important it is for us to be as ethical as possible and how we are very happy with taking the high road and will always be able to tell our children those important truths.

Again, not something the NPL needs to hear, don't cha think? So I wrote this very long email to the consultant explaining why we wouldn't be attending:

I wanted to let y'all know we won't be able to make it this weekend. There are a number of reasons and we were planning on bowing out this month but knowing that NPL (and presumably The Vultures will be there) sealed the deal.

I think it would be very uncomfortable for NPL and I am concerned that no one else seems to be considering this. I don't think anything should be done to bring any discomfort to her and I can't imagine seeing us close to her due date would be anything but uncomfortable. We have no problem seeing NPL but worry that it is might be too hard/unfair to her. We truly want to support her but feel the best way to do that would be not to attend.

It was our understanding that The Vultures were not members of the service but that seems to have changed. Please understand that what I am about to say has nothing to do with the fact that The Mister and I were not chosen. This is not sour grapes at all. I don't know if you will believe that but we have thought a great deal about this and truly that is not where this is coming from.

Due to Mrs Vulture-Hag's incredibly bad (and frankly manipulative and coercive) behavior at the last meeting, we do not want to attend any group they attend. We made this decision before we knew they were chosen by NPL. I thought I made myself clear when I spoke to you the day after the last meeting but apparently I as not as clear as I would have liked.

We have no problems with Mr. Vulture. We had no problems with Mrs. Vulture-Hag until we were subjected to her inappropriate behavior at the last group meeting. We choose not to associate with people we consider unethical and manipulative whenever we can and so we are choosing not to interact with her again. Again, no issues with Mr. Vulture or seeing him, only Mrs. Vulture-Hag.

One of the things that is paramount in whatever adoption The Mister and I do, is that it is as ethical as possible. We chose you and your service because of your commitment to providing ethical adoptions. We want to be able to look our children in the eyes and assure them that everything was done with the utmost thought for them and their birth families, and there was no coercion or manipulation. We just want to do as "right" by them as possible.

We were very careful not to use any coercion or manipulation at all with NPL. Frankly, the idea of it turns our stomaches. Now we feel a bit sullied simply by association and that is very troubling indeed. We came to you and your service to hoping to prevent this sort of scenario but know that can't be predicted. We  were very disturbed by Mrs. Vulture-Hag's behavior during the last meeting and do not wish to subject ourselves to anything like that again.

I am not naive. I know there is often a great deal of even subtle manipulation and coercion that goes on in any adoption situation where there is a match. I know you have probably seen much more overt manipulation but that is not the point. I know that expectant mothers don't want to "let down" couples that they like and they often feel an obligation to the couples that they don't even recognize. I've read too much from birthmothers and adoptive parents who later recognized this for the coercion that is is, and had regrets. I do feel that balancing the relationship building in a match/potential match situation with an attempt to eliminate any coercion is a delicate balancing act.

Again, just to reiterate: this truly has nothing to do with not being chosen but with the boorish behavior of a particular women that we prefer not to interact with again. Truly. We're a bit disappointed that the environment we were looking to share has turned out to be unsupportive but we do recognize that isn't something we can control.

Please don't think that we don't blame you for any of this but we would like you to understand why we feel the way we do. We look forward to seeing you both at future meetings but request that you respect our wishes.

Pretty wordy, huh? If you have read this far, you truly deserve a medal. I got back a very speedy and considerate email. I do think she heard my concerns. It really is a shame that at a time we could really use the group's support we felt like it would be a painful place for us and put the NPL in an awkward position. I don't think we'll attend next month as they will all likely be there again (with babe in arms) but after that I am hoping the Vultures just go the fuck away and we can go back to the group.

Our homework this month is to connect with some of the group members and talk about some of the other information that was covered. There are a three couples that live nearby and we like quite a lot so perhaps we'll try for a brunch or something. As luck would have it, one of you lovely readers was at the meeting. I'm only sorry I didn't get to meet you then (or hear how the wedding plans for two of my fave guys are coming along).

Oh and the young couple from last week has likely chosen a single mom we know. One of her children is biracial and she's not likely to get pregnant. Sounds like a good fit for all of them and we wish them the best.

The mister and I are off to my hot and humid home state for a family wedding. We'll be weekending in the only urban loft accommodations in a lovely small town known for being the birthplace of Elizabeth Dole and Cheerwine . And if you don't know what Cheerwine is, my friends, you are totally missing out. I see a lot of Diet Cheerwine and tasty NC bbq and hushpuppies in my very near future.

*I know, I KNOW. One of the posts I'm working on in my head is all about why these meetings can actually be good and the expectant and birthparents do get a lot out of these and why our particular situation was so different. It's coming. I promise.

Well, Stop and Smell the Smoke

It hurts to even look outside the windows here. We have hundreds (there were over 800 at one point) of wildfires in California and the air is just thick with smoke. It's hazy and just getting worse. It hurts to breathe. I don't think there's an end in sight.

So that brought to mind my old friend from the post title. (Quick, someone not named Elana name that artist and song. Way too easy for her). I try to tell myself it's just foggy all the time and conjure up romantic images but it's more like being stuck at a campfire with no smores.

I was my hair and it still smells like smoke. It burns to breathe. This just can't be good for any of us.

In other news we are moving forward on as many fronts as we can find. Garden State sent out a new list and for the first time ever (in something like 3 years I think) there are two sets of embryos that appeal to us. I've also been in talks with the lovely Tertia and Dr Champagne. Tertia has found a mighty fine donor for us and Dr Champagne assures me that we have tons o' sperm in Cape Town so I could do another solo trip.

And we got a call out of the blue on Monday from our local adoption agency. We took classes with them and they did our home study. They offer a la carte pricing so we chose not to use their outreach services (they work with tons of folks and often have a really long wait). Anyway they are working with an expectant birthmother and have done a lot of reaching out to other groups all across Northern California and have not had success. So they thought we might be interested.

Yes, please!

So our profile will be shown to the young lady in question. She has a list of her own and it's fairly short. We meet 2 out of 3 requirements so perhaps she'll pick us. One of her requirements is a biracial couple and that seems to be the sticking point. Can you believe there is not a single biracial couple in Northern California who are interested in an open adoption? Seriously. We have heard the efforts the agency has gone to and unfortunately for the young lady she might have to choose between geographic closeness and ethnicity.

She's also been matched twice already. Both couples got pregnant. BOTH. Can you imagine the pain that must have caused her? At least they told her. If she wants to meet with us, we do plan on telling her we might be adding to our family through both adoption and donor gametes.

We don't have a lot of other information at this point but what we do know matches up nicely with my list from that recent post. I'm still ruminating on my list and truly appreciate all the input from you guys. You had some very thoughtful and thought provoking comments.

So smoke or no smoke, we're marching ahead. It's good to have multiple plates spinning in the air again. I thought the mister might not agree but, like always, we seem to be on exactly the same page.

Oh and one last thing. Guess what I scored on craigslist yesterday? The coolest baby hammock in the world, in exactly the color that I wanted, at a substantial discount. Now if I could just find a wii fit.

Still Hangin On

Ok so it's been a much harder week than I predicted. I knew the mister and I would be a bit down but I thought we'd both bounce back pretty quickly. We are bouncing back don't get me wrong but I've realized how much I was counting on this situation to work out and am very disappointed that it didn't.

I have had many good distractions this past week and that has helped tremendously. Last Friday was full of pizza and Firefly (kudos to Oro for knowing her sci-fi tv...perhaps we share an affection for the oh-so-yummy captain?). Saturday was yet another long volunteer-oriented day for me but it was actually very fun and inspiring and all that stuff it should be.

A little digression: please help me in welcoming a new blogger to our fold, the lovely IVF Diva of the new blog IVF Drama. She's a vet, through and through, and I'm hoping her current cycle is lucky #4. We're in the same volunteer group and share a love of those Real Housewives, when we aren't talking needles and drugs. So go say hi and welcome her to the blogosphere.

After a long hard day of saving the world in my pumps and pearls, I cooked a lovely dinner for Initial Girl and Sandal Boy. Oh it was so very very nice to have them visit. We did lots of eating and talking but not enough bridge playing. Guess we'll have to take a trip up to the Seattle to see them (and the very sweet Emily who we all miss so much and who sends the best cards when a girl needs them the most and perhaps the lovely Michelle as well).

Sunday I jetted off to Vegas to hang with Katrina and her high school buddies. They were kind enough to let me horn in on their fun. I must admit that Vegas is not my kind of town. First, it's just way too smokey. I live in a state that is practically cigarette free so the casinos do me in. BUT a half day at the Bellagio spa was just what the doctor ordered and it was very cool to hang with Vegas Virgins who had a lot of fun whatever we were doing. That part was infectious. I am sure it will ruin my reputation but I can not stay out late and drink like my younger, wilder days so I don't have wild with which to regale you.

Tuesday was straight back to work although I managed to work from home three days this week. It's been nice hanging out at home even though it's a bit melancholy. I told the folks at work that the NPL situation didn't work out since they needed to know for planning purposes.

Did I mention that one of the guys I work most closely with is going to become a first time dad in the next couple of weeks? Yah, that makes this so much easier. (not) Luckily I missed their shower thanks to my volunteer commitment.

Ok. This is turning out to be quite a bit whinier than I planned. Time to turn this post around.

Please know that all of your comments mean the world to me and the mister. Truly. I owe so many of you responses and am continually awed by your kindness and support. I also have lots of posts swirling around in my head and I do have things of more substance to write about in the coming days.

Here's a taste: I promise to talk about the monthly meetings and why I actually do think it's a good idea to have expectant parents and prospective adoptive parents together. How our situation was so unusual. How we'll never let that happen again. The jonesing I'm getting for another donor cycle or so while we wait. Next steps with adoption (or how to get a friend to build a website).

But I think I want to end this post with a list of things that are important to me for a match situation, many of which were not part of this last situation. While this last situation would have been nice for a number of reasons it was far from our "perfect situation". I know I got all caught up in the drama and my affection for NPL but if I'm being completely honest it was not a perfect situation. We were very concerned that the only info we'd have on the birthdad would be a first name and a city. I know there are situations like that but one compelling reason we want to do open domestic adoption is that our children could have as much information as possible. I know there is no real perfect situation but if I'm making a wish list here's what I'd want on that list:

• Involvement of both expectant birthmother and birthfather
• Medical histories on both sides
• Good prenatal care, or at least some from somewhat early on
• Chance to have both sides (including other relatives) involved in open adoption
• If that's not possible, then at least as much info to give our kid as possible
• Shared experiences/values
• Both sides working with therapist with good knowledge of adoption issues
• Strong reason for expectant parents/families not to parent
• Birth families live somewhere that we'd like to spend a lot of time (I know this one might sound superficial but what I'm getting at is if they aren't close to where we live now, our perfect match might be one of our home states or somewhere we already visit or would love to visit because I'd hope we'd spend time there regularly and would hope they'd want to visit us as well)

What else should I add to my list? If you were thinking about your perfect match or situation, what would be important to you? If you've been through this, what mattered or what ended up not mattering to you? Don't be shy.

Taking the High Road

Turns out taking the high road is a lonely one. We just found out minutes ago the NPL chose the other couple. We're sad and disappointed, of course, but truly wish all of them well. We know what a difficult decision this was for her and are touched by how she let us know.

We are proud of the way we've handled the situation and wouldn't do anything differently.

We're really ok. I've been wanting to write a lot more this week and respond to many of your comments because there was some good stuff in there but, once again work-wise, it's been one of those weeks.

Lucky for me Initial Girl and Sandal Boy are coming to town for a short visit. And then I get to meet up with a crazy tarheel in Vegas so I will have many opportunities to console myself.

For now there is a pizza waiting. And some nice diversionary dvds to watch. Name this show:

We will rule over all this land and we will call it ... THIS LAND.

Shiny

Where do we go and how come it's so hard?

Saturday was one of those busy days. The mister has a rule: one "thing" per day. I don't follow that rule but today I"m wishing I did. I had three things planned on Saturday and I did all three, but not sure I did any of them well.

My morning started with a 5k. The theme was "I run for chocolate and champagne" so how could I resist? And it was a fund-raiser for one of my fave local charities that provides awesome services for girls. It was by women, for women so you know it was well organized. I haven't been back to boot camp since the great Whooping Cough Epidemic of 2008 so I figured it would kick my ass.

My ass survived and I had fun: walking along the bay with my dear friend and just enjoying being out.

Then I rushed off to The City for a fun-filled afternoon of parliamentary procedure training. What? Do aren't as turned on by Robert's Rules as I am? Interesting. I do love me so parliamentary procedure. The second half of the training was focused on a newer version that's a bit more flexible and friendly but I'm sure no one is interested in this aspect of my day.

The third thing on my agenda was the monthly support group/educational meeting hosted by our adoption consultant. It's always a long day and a lot of information but yesterday it was  painful.

The mister got a ride with another lady in "the service". My plan was to meet him there but a bit later in the day. I am so very sorry now that I wasn't there from the beginning. He had a horrid time and he needed me there.

So what happened? The other couple who NPL is considering were there again (and this month they gave NPL and her mom a ride) and apparently they're feeling more than a bit competitive. My mister went out of his way to be nice to them, to try to let them know this really wasn't a competition and we were totally cool.

They were not cool.

During the "check ins" (which everyone who has ever been to any kind of support group can relate to), Mrs Vulture was incredibly inappropriate. She had already staked her claim on NPL and didn't want anyone else close to her. Apparently during her check in she went on and on about how "healing" it was for her to have been talking to NPL and how they will likely match and how NPL has helped her work through some of her infertility issues and given her a reason to hope again. All while stroking NPL's shoulders or touching her.

I missed this heinously inappropriate display by about 10 minutes. When I got there, I could see the mister was visibly shaken but trying to be cool. When he did his check in, he mentioned how we'd also been talking to NPL and really liked her. That is when I knew The Vultures must have said things they should not have said. If only I'd known what they said.

I heard from a few other people in the group a bit more about what when down. We tried to hang out with some of the other folks during the social time and just keep it light but it was hard. One of the couples we like best announced their engagement! They also told us their website had been getting a lot of hits from a certain southern state. I told them that some friends of mine (who shall remain nameless...CHRIS...had found their site independently and wanted to be adopted by them.  We chatted with the NPL and her mom. We made plans to talk wedding stuff with the guys. Then we left and I found out why the mister was so upset.

I was livid in the car on the way home. We chose this consultant because it is incredibly important to us that we have as ethical a domestic adoption as possible. We want no manipulation or coercion of any time. We know the NPL is probably more susceptible than some others to manipulation, especially when she might feel she'd let someone else down. How dare The Vultures say the things they said in front of all those people and the NPL? How can they be so fucking clueless and entitled?

Both the mister and I feel dirty now. Just sullied by the association of this all-too-common type of prospective adoptive parent. We felt let down by our consultant who did nothing to stop these comments or prevent them. The Vultures are not in her service and we feel that some guidelines should have been set. Most of the other couples in her service are not at all like that. I think Mrs Vulture has a lot of work she needs to do with a qualified therapist before she is ready to parent any child, much less a child in an open adoption with a birthmother who has had so much trauma in her own life.

I would have been horrified to see any couple acting like that with any NPL but it was definitely more distressing that it was this particular situation. I told the mister perhaps we should just take our names out of the hat. That's not what we want to do though. That was just my own fear talking and I know we can do this honorably and ethically.

I left the consultant a message last night as soon as we got home. It's probably a very good thing she didn't call back until today. It gave me a chance to calm down a bit and run my concerns past the mister and my dear friend Bebe who was in our shoes a year ago.

I didn't sleep much last night because I was just so worked up and outraged. I wrote a nice, calm email this morning. The consultant called before I could even send it. She started the conversation by wanting to update me with where the NPL is in her decision process but I stopped her.

I think I did a good job of explaining my concerns. The consultant agreed that Mrs Vulture (and her adoption attorney who is pushing every day for NPL to make a decision but that's another post and a good reason to steer clear of adoption attorneys even if they claim to offer support for open adoption) need to be severely chastised.

I have no problem at all with the fact the NPL is still trying to decide. It's a huge decision. Honestly, is there any bigger decision anyone can make? I truly don't think so.  I fully support her in whatever decision she makes. I truly hope that she is considering parenting this child and if that is not possible that she chooses the best family for her child and her situation. I do not want to pressure her in any sort of way. I don't want her to experience even the subtlest manipulation/coercion. I recognize that NONE of this is about the mister or me. This is NOT about our healing or our deserving to have a baby or any of that. We are the LAST part of the equation and get the LEAST amount of attention in this process. That is how it should be. If she chooses us, we want it to be because she truly feels that we are the best parents to raise her son.

We could play the whole "we're more ethical than you" card. But, duh, that entirely defeats the purpose. We could be playing the whole "you're older than dirt and don't live in an area with any diversity so what the hell makes you think you can raise an African-American son" card. At least we get the satisfaction of taking the moral high ground, right?

But this is not some game. We will not compromise our morals or our ethical standards. Not one whit. Of course, personally I think that makes us better choices to parent any child but again, it's totally not my decision and not even my right to suggest that. Still trying to be zen but it is getting harder and harder.

But I will never allow the mister to experience the pain he did because of other people's poor behavior.  She might be a vulture but I am a lioness and I will not hesitate to take her out if she threatens my pride. Perhaps she needs to spend some time in the bush to see nature at work?

If you read all the way to the end you deserve a gold star. Or at least a cute youtube video. I can't believe the entire world hasn't seen the cute otter video but I shared it with two more friends at brunch this morning. It makes me smile today when not much else does (although a SmartyPants challenge on Facebook or some good karma is always appreciated as well).

Those otters know what Jack Johnson is singing about in my post title. It really is better when we're together. I know that's true: I even have the Flair to prove it.

Our dreams and they are made out of real things.
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving.
Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart.
Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.

The Q and A Session

I have a few posts swirling around in my head but I thought I'd start with a brief update. I'll even cut to the chase: no decisions yet from the NPL but we're still in the running. Actually I think its down to us and one other couple at this point.

I got a lovely call from the NPL last week and she asked if she could send us some additional questions to answer in writing. Of course we are more than happy to answer any questions. She told me they might seem a bit familiar and they sure did. They were straight out of our autobiographical questionnaire with our adoption agency. I've got to say that made it somewhat easier as we'd already answered these questions once.

We still took it very seriously and did a great deal of editing as it had been more than a year since we answered them the first time and a completely different audience. Then we were answering more abstractly but now we wanted to give her a better sense of some specifics as they might relate to her and this particular situation.

Here are the questions for anyone who's interested:

1. Briefly comment on the relationship of your mother and father, or of the persons who brought you up (a) with each other, (b) with you, and (c) with your partner.
2. Briefly describe the characteristics of the family in which you grew up (including how discipline was handled). 
3. Describe your childhood years (i.e. significant  family memories, moves,  illnesses, siblings, trips, neighborhood, friends.)
4.Describe your family’s expectations of you. What were your self-expectations? Greatest achievements?
5. Describe significant relationships, family changes, moves in your adult years.
6. Please describe how you think parenting will  affect your current lifestyle.
7.How do you plan on handling discipline with your children?
8. In what ways do you think adoptive parenting might differ from parenting a biological child?
9. What are your plans for the  religious/spiritual upbringing of your child?
10. Describe yourself. Tell what is most important to you in life and what events and persons have had the greatest influence on you.

Aren't those some great, thoughtful questions? I know for some people not considering open adoptions this might seem intrusive or daunting. But I love the fact this information is important to her. THIS is what she's going to use to help guide her decision not some superficial profile (although I must say I am quite happy with our profile) or the fact that we have the most adorable dogs ever (again, we clearly do but that is not the point). She is making one, if not the, most difficult decisions anyone could ever make. She is doing this thoughtfully, deliberately and with great attention. How could anyone not respect her decision?

This is why when people are asking how we're doing or how we're managing our anxiety I can say that it's very easy. It's truly not about us and we are totally fine with that. We want her to have all the time, space and information to make the decision that is best for her and her son.

I've been thinking a lot about that horrible adoption myth that many parents use to explain adoption to their children "we chose you for us". Like there is some baby store where you walk through and pick a child. That is just so demeaning that it's no wonder adoptees find it painful and condescending.

But how wonderful that whoever is lucky enough to parent this child, be it the NPL, our competition, or us, will know exactly how much care and thought went into this decision. And seriously, whoever is chosen will be so very lucky and will be the right family to parent this little boy. His parents will be able to tell him how the NPL chose what she thought was the best thing for her son and how much care and thought went into that decision.  What a gift the NPL is giving to her son!

So this American holiday morning the mister and I went over to the NPL's work and dropped off our answers. His are fairly short. Mine should at least be considered a novella. We printed our answers on our colorful new letterhead and included a a copy of our official profile (no more imitation vanilla for us!).

Oh, there was also a container of fresh gingerbread chocolate cookies. I'm trusting Chris on this one as the recipe is from that new cookie cookbook who's author I don't exactly trust but this was the cover recipe (and the NPL needs to increase her iron and the cookies are loaded with  molasses so they really are a good thing). I will say the cookies taste good although I do not trust any cookie recipe that doesn't have at least a pinch of salt.

We got to chat with the NPL a bit and she told us a funny anecdote. She's at that part of her pregnancy where she's learning all about childbirth and she's a bit leery. Who wouldn't be, right? She's afraid of pain and wants to explore her options and that just sounds smart to me. Her mom is trying to convince her of the benefits of natural childbirth. Can you imagine the pressure of a mom who gave birth several times in third world countries with no drugs or anything? I thought I was having issues with my mom right now over the diapers she wants to make us and tasteless baby clothes she's looking at but at least she's not telling me "I didn't need drugs in a third world country when I gave birth so you should do the same thing?" I'm not sure it reads as funny as it was but it was really funny and just made us all laugh.

Taking out the trash

I don't know if I've ever admitted here when I first started buying "a few things" for "the baby". Oh dear, I suspect this is going to be a very grammatically incorrect posts with way too much punctuation. Please don't hold this against me.

It was back in 2002. The mister and I had just decided to (finally) start our family. Our kitten was killed on a holiday weekend and that  got us thinking thinks we should have done much earlier. We'd always wanted kids but the timing never seemed right: we wanted to be financially stable, have solid careers and feel really secure in our relationship. Funny how one speeding driver made us take stock and propel us forward.

I spent the next couple of weeks visiting a good friend (and former boss) in an adorable town in Sweden. I'd been to other parts of Europe before but never Sweden. I'd fallen in lust with a certain Scandinavian pram on my first trip to Denmark and they were still all over the place. There had been a lot of technological advances in strollers since then and I was amazed at every turn.

I nearly bought a pram from a woman I met in Ikea. Seriously. I'm not kidding. It was a gorgeous limited edition Emmaljunga and once you've gone Emma, it's hard to go back. We exchanged info and even talked about shipping it over in a year or so. You know, when I had my first kid. Hahahahahaha.

I didn't buy a pram but I did buy a number of pacifiers or binkies or whatever you like to call them. Swedish binkies were so colorful and fun (much like all the other cool baby gear-no boring black to be found) and fit oh-so-easily into my suitcase. I think I bought a total of 10. I also got some adorable baby spoons.

That was the extent of my baby stash for quite some time. The next thing I added was an whimsical French bib that I bought the day we had our consult with my first local clinic. The evil clinic that I now warn anyone and everyone to stay as far away from as possible. The bib was a gift to the mister, a promise that no matter what those stoopid people said at that heinous clinic, we would be parents one day.

When we had to begin setting up the "nursery" a couple of weeks ago I pulled out my treasure trove. I found the colorful binkies. The bib that was really just a promise from me to the mister. The South African lullabies, shoes and blankets. The Thai silk elephant toy. The tiny baby clothes I bought when I was in the limbo that came to be known as Ectopic Pregnancy #2.

It turns out that even though I hadn't been buying much over the years, it really added up. It has been a lot of years.

And now those binkies sit on the temporary nightstand in the "nursery". It's more than a touch bittersweet because now that I might have a baby sometime soon, I can't use those binkies that held so much promise. BPAs, don't cha know. So I'll have to toss them in the trash.

I'm not quite ready to do that. I wasn't sure why until I began to write this post. Those pacifiers are the only part of my hope chest that I bought when I actually had hope. They are the very last remnants of a life untouched by infertility. I can't even remember what that felt like but I look at the dragonfly pacifier and I know that there was a time before the pain and bitterness.

I'm not the young (hey, it was a few weeks before I turned 37 so I was relatively young - stop laughing) wide-eyed girl who was so ready for the next chapter to begin and so arrogantly filled with the thought of a honeymoon baby. I can replace those binkies with less fun but safer models but what about the girl I was? Am I now stuck with the safer but less colorful self? Will I always be this cautious, waiting for the other shoe to drop or something bad to happen? I hope not but it's definitely too soon to tell.

I can't believe I forgot to title this...

I've thought a lot about posting the last couple of days but just couldn't quite get the words to come out.

I wanted to write something profound and meaningful about the weekend but everything just seems so trite.

I hope Sunday passed as painlessly as possible for all of us still in the trenches. When I think of the Second Sunday in May, I think about all of us who want nothing more than to make it to the other side. I think of the losses, the aching, the pain.

Then I think of my friends like the red-headed momma and other women who lost their moms well before their time. How hard it must be to face that day every year when you've lost your mom and most of the world seems to forget that.

I also think of my friends who are celebrating their first year as a mom and how special that must be to them. The ones like "us" always seem to appreciate it at a deeper level, they don't expect a lot of loot or whine about not getting their perfect day. I hope this club gets bigger and bigger every year and there are fewer of us feeling pain on this particular Sunday.

I was dreading this year a bit, I'll admit it. But it was much easier on me than I expected. Perhaps because we're talking to NPL a lot. Perhaps because I structured my day to achieve success. I'm just going to take what I can get.

On Saturday the mister and I went to one of our favorite brunch places with some of our favorite friends, Pocket and Pita. We lingered on the deck, enjoying our beautiful NorCal weather and wonderful Bloody Martys (like the famous Scottish queen but made with Soju). Pocket is on the evil lupron and definitely feeling the effects. It has been such a long, hard road for them. I must admit I was a bit mean to her and made fun of her for not giving herself those tiny, tiny lupron shots. She's one of the strongest women I know so how can she be so scared of a tiny needle?

After brunch we went stroller shopping. We hit three stores on two sides of the bay and shopped (well, looked) until we dropped. Decisions were made but no credit cards were harmed in the process.

Sunday was a low-key day. We went out for bagels and only stayed out a couple of extra hours. Why?

Well, there is a wonderful flower shop just down the street from the bagel place. They had the most beautiful flowers. Some gorgeous parrot tulips spoke to us and, really, what says SPRING louder than tulips?

Suddenly we found our sweaty, sunburned, baseball-wearing selves with a simple arrangement of colorful tulips on the way to NPL's work (Nice Pregnant Lady - for those who missed my oh-so-suave abbreviation) to surprise her. We missed her by about 5 minutes so we headed to her house. We dropped off the flowers and chatted for a while with NPL and her parents. It was perfect. Just perfect.

It just felt right and although it wasn't planned, it turned out to be exactly how I wanted to spend my day. The mister agreed but is a bit tired of going out to brunch or on a quick errand and getting home hours later. You'd think after 12 years he'd be used to it.

Big thanks to all the suggestions and encouragement to do something for NPL. And to wish her and her mom a Happy Mother's Day. It meant a lot to all of us.

What a long week!

I do apologize for not posting earlier. It has been one looooooong week around here.

Did you know that you can fly without any picture id? Apparently as long as you have a piece of paper with your name on it and are willing to go through secondary security (pat down/no strip search), you can board your flight. Can you tell I found out the hard way on Monday morning?

I did make it back from sunny SoCal and went straight to work. And there was much more work all week. I played a not so fun game of "is millie flying back east for a super short work trip or isn't she". There were six rounds of that game on Tuesday alone. Luckily the decision was finally made late Tuesday night and I got to sleep in my own bed the rest of the week.

There's not a lot else to update. We've talked to the NPL a couple of times this week. She wants to keep us updated on her doctor's appointments (totally her decision). She's interviewed another couple but it didn't go very far. She's feeling tired and needs much more sleep. I worry that her work causes her to be on her feet too much but she says its no problem. The next big monthly meeting is coming up in a couple of weeks and NPL's dad is thinking of coming with her.

Our profile is now complete and heading to the printer! We're wrapping up a photo insert and working on our longer letter. Then we need to put some actual text up on our website (we just have mostly a splash screen currently). I also have a ton of pictures to scan for the photo book that we need to complete in the next week or two. We're making great progress but there's still much to do.

I was talking to my friend Aimee today (so good to catch up with her!) and I realized I'm really not worried. This particular situation will work out or it won't. Aimee asked me about laws here regarding termination of parental rights and I don't know. I don't even care about that.

I do know that I don't want papers signed in the hospital, this situation or another situation. I do know that I am craving an Entrustment Ceremony much more than a baby shower. I do know that I'm coming from a place of hope and openness, not fear and desperation. There has been so much fear and desperation in my life for well over five years and that is more than enough.

The mister and I are giddy with joy - not only because of this particular match possibility but also because we know we're doing everything in the most ethical way we can and we are doing everything we can to support this NPL, whatever decision she makes. We finally feel like our time will come, maybe in a couple of weeks, maybe later.

That doesn't mean we're looking forward to this Sunday, that most painful day for infertiles. We're having brunch will fellow travellers tomorrow because Sunday we'll be holed up at home. We are making great progress but there's no way we can go out on a day that is all about where we aren't.

We are however thinking about doing something for NPL. I'm fresh out of ideas so I open it up to you, the wise internets: should we do something to acknowledge Mother's Day for the NPL? If so, what? Is that just too weird?

Oh and for those of you interested in the menu from last week, thanks for asking and here ya go:

Antipasti (olives, nuts, hard cheese, bread)
Grilled Glazed Steak and Asparagus
Couscous with dates (usually do Israeli couscous but was out, so regular couscous with orange zest and orange juice replacing some of cooking liquid)
Warm Rhubarb Raspberry Compote with Greek Yogurt and Coconut Walnut  Crunch drizzled with Honey ( the pastry chef in me had to come out and play but just a little bit)

I was feeling very Springy so wanted the menu to reflect that. The lovely Accidental Housewife suggested having the mister grill (though we switched her fish idea to steak) so he'd have something to do and show off his culinary skills. That was a fabo idea.

Now back to those thoughts and ideas you were going to share with me...

Guess Who Came to Dinner?

I must apologize for not updating soon. I have been so touched by all the comments and emails I've received over the last few days. It's been such a whirlwind and the support and encouragement from y'all has meant a ton.

I promise to do a real update soon but I jetted off to SoCal very early Thursday morning for a conference. It's been a super packed schedule and this is the first quiet moment I've even had.

Dinner was great. Just great. There were a few awkward moments but mostly it was just a lot of great conversation and lots of "getting to know you" stuff. NPL's mom is amazing and wonderful, just as we'd suspected.

We did get the house pulled together. We didn't get the crib (that's another post) but did get oh-so-fabulous matching changing table. The nursery looked cute. The weeds were gone.

NPL had a few questions for us (and I hope she has more!) and they were good ones. She wanted to get a sense for why were were interested in a child of color and what are plans were to incorporate all of our children's heritage. She knows how painful it can be to be an African-American child in a (mostly) white family, especially in this country. I don't think any of us are naive and we do have plans and thoughts and are sensitive to at least knowing how much we need to learn and to know. But honestly, is that enough? Or would a family of color be a better option? I want her to have all kinds of options and choices and make the best choice for her child. (Of course, I also think that we'd be a great choice regardless).

Anyway there will be much more to come on all of that. Whatever happens with NPL, it's been great meeting her and her family.

Oh and it's a boy!

Just Another Manic Monday

Today was a Monday, through and through. It was a long hard day at work. I started at the butt crack of dawn, conducting a training over the internet. Then I sped to my job site where I tried to get caught up (I only worked a little over 1 day last week) but I was so very far behind.

Then the mister called and sent me into a tailspin. He talked to our consultant and she had a few requests. She wanted us to call NPL and invite her (and her family) to lunch or dinner this week. And give her a nicely bound copy of our homestudy. And our rushed imitation vanilla profile.

Oh and she said to have the nursery as complete as possible.

Nursery???? Has she not worked with infertiles for years and years? We don't have nurseries ready to go.

Luckily this infertile has spent much of the past five years obsessing over baby gear and knows exactly what she wants. We weren't quite ready to pull the trigger but the mister said we should do it.

Of course what I want is European and usually a special order. I called many local stores and got summarily shot down. Until I called the mostly online with a few stores place that makes you smile just to say their name.

"Why yes we do have that lovely modern crib in the finish you want at our warehouse that's a short drive from you."

That, my dears, was music to my ears. I scooted out of work early (after only working 9.5 hours) and I got my shopping on. I bought a crib, one sheet, a quilt, and elephant pillow and ordered a changing table. I was thisclose to adding my current favorite stroller to the mix but decided to restrain myself (and let the mister have some of the fun).

I also arranged for yard guy to do a spring clean-up of our weed garden. He knows we're going to be doing a real renovation soon but can get it from looking beyond mortifying to "ah, there's lots of potential there." As luck would have it, when I called him today he was visiting my neighbor three doors down and could fit us into his schedule.

The mister is taking off the next couple of days. We made a list of all that has to be done and it is one looooooong list.

We talked to NPL (and her mom!) and we're on for dinner Wednesday night. Did I mention I'm flying down south shortly after for a conference and long weekend? And I have to work late tomorrow night at the office?

Oh and we called our Agency and they had a copy of our homestudy ready for us tonight. We hadn't actually read it until now. It's really informative and I quite liked it. The mister will pretty it up tomorrow to give the NPL. I think it's great that the consultant gives the full homestudy to all NPLs. She's also working with the NPL on a set of questions to ask all the couples she's meeting so she can have as much info as possible.

Now I just need to get many things checked off the list and figure out what I am cooking for dinner.

The Whirlwind Continues

What an exhausting weekend! I am beyond drained, but in a really good way.

I had to rush to a volunteer meeting yesterday morning then hurry home and bake cupcakes. That's right, I had a couple of dozen cupcakes to bake for the adoption support group meeting. No pressure. We were just meeting a NPL. We'd heard "our competition" was a caterer. Talk about ironic.

For those of you interested in cupcake recipes, I did make Lemon Meyer with Lemon Cream Cheese frosting. The cake part was heavily based on Amy Sedaris's recipe, but was sorely lacking in humor. I also attempted chocolate sour cream cupcakes but let's just say they didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. Let's skip over how sunken and strangely crusty they were. I will say that baking was a perfect distraction for me and helped calm my nerves.

We got to meet the lovely NPL (and her dad as well) before the meeting and give her a ride. That gave us lots of good chatting time. The meeting itself was overwhelming. There were 3 very new babies there, one of their birth-mothers and birth-grandparents and two NPLs. It's more than a bit disconcerting how the NPLs get swarmed by the not-yet-matched folks. The mister and I don't roll like that, we just hang back and talk to other folks. There were many, many words. Way too many for the mister. It went on and on.

There was a bit of a showdown between the Pastry Chef and the Caterer. So far, I think it's a draw. She had some amazing shrimp and savory muffins, I had the lemon cupcakes. She was very nice but I will say I think I could take her. We Pastry Chefs have bigger blow torches and cooler tools. And frankly we're a bit scrappier. Just ask Duff.

We didn't get home until long after dark and had more work to do on our Vanilla Letter. We did some last night and some this morning then scurried off to brunch and a baseball game in the city. The home team is really struggling this year. I was wishing they'd call the game after the first couple of innings (it was already 8-0 by then) but managed to amuse myself with garlic fries and cotton candy.

When we got home the NPL called to check in with us. How sweet is that? She wanted to make sure she got a letter from us and just say hi. I think she's hoping to make a decision in a week or so. I'm not going to go into many more details but she did talk to us a lot on the ride home about why she wants to do an adoption plan. She has definitely thought a lot about this and I think she has some good reasons. I'm very grateful that she has a lot of support as well.

So we're finishing up our bits and just going with the flow for now, trying to stay as zen as possible. It's mostly working.