Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing: Monday

Well althought we are here, we are still waiting. It's been a long day all around. I'd write more but I'm pretty beat.

What we thought was labor yesterday was apparently false labor. Ms. FoodNetwork was completely wiped when we last spoke. She was going to eat and try to sleep before the main event.

The mister and I have been having lots of fun. Last night we watched the infamous bats and learned about a new kind of bottlecap (the yummy fried jalapeño kind). Today we did some shopping and visited a very cool presidential library. We also had dinner with some very old friends who we hadn't seen since we left Utah oh so long ago.

Now I'm off for a little time in the indoor pool and hot tub before calling it an early night.

I promise to update with any news!

PS X: I hope you see this post. Please email me if you'd like to meet up because I would dearly love to meet!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Please bear with me while I finally figure out how to use the typepad app on my iPhone.

The mister and I are currenly on a plane waiting for the doors to shut. It turns out the Lonestar state is a foreign country, at least according to our airline. At least we get to fly out of our swank international terminal.

Turns out perhaps we should have bought these tickets earlier: Ms FoodNetwork went into labor bright and early this morning! Thanks to the marvels of modern technology we've been texting back and forth.

This is going to be a lonnnnnnnnggggggg flight.

See y'all on the flip side!

Same As It Ever Was - Friday version

Nope, not on a plane yet. Still waiting. I thought I'd go ahead and get that part out of the way.

We will, however, be buying plane tickets for Sunday or Monday within the next few hours! We're leaning towards Sunday for obvious reasons (HELLO...we are all out of zen here and full into the crazy) but we'll see how the rest of the day plays out.

Ms FoodNetwork is currently at her midwife appointment. There is much midwifery stuff going on involving some sort of physical manipulation and some herbal tonic or something. Ms Foodnetwork has also scheduled a Monday morning induction appointment at the local hospital and is very motivated to miss that appointment. VERY motivated indeed.

Let's see...was there any other news this morning? Anything I thought y'all might be interested in?

Oh, well I suppose some of you might like to know the answer to the gender question. Part of today's exam was making sure the baby was ok and there was a sonogram done to do just that. Ms FoodNetwork called to see if we wanted to find out the gender and of course I asked her what she wanted and we went round a bit and she said "I think I wanna know!" So now we know!

Her mom called with the news (and I must say I was a bit surprised because I thought Ms FoodNetwork would want to tell us herself but not sure she was given the chance).

The baby will no longer be referred to as "it" in the third person and instead will be henceforth designated as "she". Or I suppose I could just say "It's a GIRL!". *

Y'all should be totally honored as I'm telling the internets before I tell my own family. Well, I'm also blackmailing my mom for some photos of my sis's house renovations that the whole family is going on and on about with no photos whatsoever. (Pamplemousse:it's a good thing you posted photos of your new car because otherwise I was going to withhold from ALL of you.;) )

There's also a lot of other thinking going on in my head today. Today is NHL's due date for her little girl. I'm hoping they're both doing well and wish her all the best in parenting.

Today is also the birthday of one of my very best friends. She would have been 43 today. She should  have been 43 today. I can't believe it's been 16 years since she was killed in a car crash. I've written about her several times here but honestly am just too lazy to find the links. I think about her often and it is very special to me that we found out this baby, that might become our baby, is a girl on this special day (and how awesome would it be if this girl somehow decides she's ready to be born today as well).

So that's where I am. Thinking about my friend and thinking about this baby girl. Hoping to meet her very soon

*Sorry Oro. You, the mister and Ms FoodNetwork's mom seemed to be in the very small minority thinking we'd be having to come up with a boy's name after all.

Same As It Ever Was - Wednesday version

I'm guessing the title says it all, right?

Still waiting. Got a text from Ms FoodNetwork's mom last night while we were at a birthday party which got us a bit excited until we read it. It just said "No baby yet just thinking it's going to come in the middle of the night soon."

All pretense of working has fallen by the wayside for me. I had a really tough day professionally yesterday. I'm working with one guy I worked with well in the past and one new guy. The new guy is, shall we say, not the best communicator. I told them nearly two weeks ago I'd have to leave at any moment and why. He seemed to support that but doesn't seem to understand when I say I really can't plan to run a presentation later this week or guarantee I can complete deliverables. Once that call comes, I am outta here. Truth be told, I'm not really digging this project and it was just a place holder until one that is a better fit ramped up. After strong words yesterday I'm officially off the project. I'm disappointed it came to this but relieved at the same time.

Not sure what else I've even got to write about today. I'm just wiped. I did bake a lovely apple cake yesterday. I guess it's technically a chiffon cake because it used oil instead of butter. It's kind of a dense cake so I think it will travel fairly well. Or we'll just eat it for dinner.

<insert long unintended break from writing here>

Ok. Where were we? Oh, right WAITING. Yup still waiting. Just got back from interesting couples therapy session (you all know how much I truly love therapy, almost as much as chocolate). I know I've said it before but our therapist seriously rocks. Loves her. She gets it and is incredibly helpful.

The mister had a bit of a bombshell this morning (and no time to tell me in advance): he got laid off today! Now I know this will sound strange but we are both really happy and excited about this (unlike most of the others that got laid off today and that is not something we're happy about). Truly. He got a good package and insurance through the end of the year. He had been considering quitting to look for a new job but I told him to hope for getting laid off instead. His resume is ready to go and he has a couple of good "ins" at his desired employer. And we're very lucky in that what he does is pretty specialized and there's still a need for it in this economy. Now the timing is seeming pretty sweet because he might have more time at home with the baby.

Texting with TX today in hopes of encouraging this not-so-wee one to make an appearance.

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Sorry for no replies today but I'm just too wiped. I do appreciate each and every comment and perhaps after a nap I'll reply.

Same As It Ever Was - Monday version

I've clearly run out of ways to say the same thing: still waiting.

We're running out of ways to fill this waiting time so the mister and I are just doing all those things we won't be able to do soon (we hope!) and rubbing in in the faces of any of our friends with kids. Movie night? Oh yah. We saw that new Tarantino film on opening weekend and really liked it. Sleeping in and lounging around reading the Sunday paper? Yup, did that too.

Piece de resistance? Pre-show dinner at a hot new spot known for amazing cocktails and Chinese small plates followed by 4th row center seats (so freakin' center we had a center aisle seat) at Wicked. All planned last minute because that's how we roll.

Now it's Monday and both the mister and I are supposed to be working. He's doing a better job of pretending to do that. I'm trying but just don't really care.

I did find out that I can likely get 6 weeks of paid family leave even though I'm self-employed. I just need to register and start paying for optional disability coverage. I had no idea that was even an option in this state and would have been paying it all along. Since you can take the leave any time in the first year of a newly born or adopted child I will have time to qualify for benefits. Nice, huh?

Ok so perhaps time to clear up some questions several of y'all have asked.

Are we matched?
I honestly am not sure how to answer this question. In short, yes. At least I think so. But we haven't had a "match meeting" or anything like that (which is typical with our consultant). Ms FoodNetwork is no longer talking to any other prospective adoptive parents and has stated it's her desire for us to adopt this baby. She was working with another couple but broke off that match/talks before reconnecting with us.

What is the plan?
The current plan is that Ms FoodNetwork will call/text when she goes into labor. So far she says she'd like us to leave at that time and perhaps visit her at the birthcenter if she's still there but not be at the birth. There are only a couple of direct flights a day with the latest flight at 1:00 pm so it might take us a bit to get there. We'll definitely ask if she's ready for us to fly and offer a few days of alone time first.

Can we spend time one on one with her?
Of course we'd love that and are hoping to make that happen. There are some interesting dynamics at play so I'm not sure how easy that will be while we're still in the Lonestar state. She will be coming back with us for at least 3-4 days and it will likely be just her then which pleases us. We've invited the biological dad as well (through her) but don't think that's likely to happen at this point. We've also suggested something similar to what wavybrains suggested (getting a hotel room near her regular residence and hanging on campus or somehow enabling her to attend her classes during this time) but am not sure that will happen due to said dynamics.

Why don't more people do more of a transitional time in adoptions?
Honestly I think it should be done more often. I think that many of the current practices are based in fear. I totally get that. If you'd told me back when we were originally thinking about adoption that we would seek this out and encourage it, I'd likely have wondered about your drug usage. But after reading and thinking about it, it just makes sense.

I remember reading getupgrrl back when she was writing about taking her son from the only person he'd known and how she wanted that to be easier on him. I have also seen it work remarkably well with other families in our service. People have worked out all kinds of arrangements during this time. One of the considerations is whether it's a local situation or not. Many folks plan on spending 2-4 weeks with the birth family when it's not a local situation. Hearing diverse stories from so many people that we've come to know through their journeys, adoptive parents as well as birth parents and grandparents really demystified it for us. We are lucky because we've experienced this through our friends so many times already and it just seems natural to us.

I think this kind of transition doesn't happen as often as perhaps it should because agencies and lawyers get very fearful that adoptions won't happen if transitions are encouraged. And for the most part this is still a big business. I think there's still too much "she needs to get on with her life" thinking and not enough "how can we make this humane for everyone considered and really think about what the baby needs". I think expectant moms are worried about bonding "too much" and the pain being "too great" and not counseled about that or perhaps just counseled about what possibilities exist and what they might need. And those moms aren't told they can change their mind after birth about what kind of transition they need and that's ok.

It's awfully easy for me to write this because I haven't been through this yet. I fully expect this all to be much harder in real life. I know it's going to be awful to have our greatest joy come at a high cost for another family.

I also know this transitional period is going to be hard for our families to understand. It's hard for many of our friends to understand as well. I know they are protective of us and worried about what might happen. In their minds the worst thing that can happen is for a baby to be "taken away" from us. While it would be incredibly hard for that to happen, and I do not deny that at all, that's not the worst thing that could happen. It isn't about us, it's about a family deciding to parent or to place. We feel strongly that every parent considering an adoption plan revisit their decision after birth. It's up to the mister and I to give them the space to do that. We also agree with our consultant's philosophy that papers are never signed in a hospital.

We get asked a lot about laws in various states and "how long can she change her mind" kind of questions. We spend a lot of time trying to (gently) explain that we don't really know or care. We're trying to approach this from the stand point of building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. As Ms FoodNetwork's family has repeatedly stated "this is a sacred covenant between our families". Yes we have to make sure the legal parts get done (in a way where the baby's rights are put first and everyone's rights are respected) but that is really just paperwork (no offense to any attorneys reading).

Why doesn't the family want to consider our ideas about transitional time?
Again, there are some pretty strong forces at play and we're trying to respect that. It doesn't mean they aren't open to other ideas or don't want to utilize resources offered but they have a ton on their plate. Keep in mind that all of this would be a lot easier to discuss and process if we had more time. We have had much more time to get to know each other than we thought but really everyone just wants this baby to show up.

I think if it were a few weeks ago we could have longer discussions about this, read up on things even encourage them to talk to some of the other families (including birthmoms) who've experienced this. The reality is that we're all sitting with various bags packed and just wondering when the main event is going to start. I also think it'll be more organic and perhaps easier to have some of these discussions in person.

Last but definitely not least: What do you mix raspberry vodka with?
Everything! Actually I must admit I love me a good Cosmo and nothing makes a better Cosmo than a spectacular raspberry vodka and some fresh lime juice. It is also lovely with lemonade.Or watermelon aqua fresca. I also love Pear Vodka with ginger beer/ale and Vanilla Vodka with Diet Coke. With my in-laws it's good to have a variety of vodka drinks in your back pocket. ;)

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@wavybrains: Thanks so much for your long, thoughtful comment that was chockfull of great info. It's VERY appreciated. I am looking forward to sharing all of it with her. I know she's anxious about getting started with school but apparently can get many of her classes online until she can attend in person. Thanks again!

@Tammy: Thanks so much for delurking! Any friend/reader of Tertia's is a friend of mine. Thanks for the good thoughts and support.

@Sparkle: It is rather full on, isn't it? So far no one thinks it's a boy.

@Michell: Do the tour! It's awesome and free! Or I'll just make you a killer drink and we'll eat our cupcakes. The coparenting for a time did freak us out a bit before (we're only human) but we've seen it work great so hope we're up for the challenge.

@louise: I think it's amazing how every situation is so different. I think it's challenging to offer that time but also express how excited you are at the same time. Any tips on how to navigate these challenging days/emotions/etc are welcome!

@krista: It does feel like we're getting close, whether this one happens or not. I don't know that we're all that selfless just trying to do what every parent does or should do (put the baby first). I suppose all this extra time has even us the chance to become more equipped to do it this way. Though don't think for a minute I wouldn't rather be an insensitive bitch with a school-age kid.

@Mad Hatter: Your name is one of my very fave Halloween costumes/characters EVA! I wish you all the best with your journey. Feel free to write with more specific questions about high fsh if you have them.

@pocket: You're home! So you have the girl feeling too?

@Summer: Thanks! I'll definitely find a way to post some pics, even if briefly.

@MM: Thanks for the questions and thoughts for my 'rents. It certainly isn't the best time for all of this but when is it ever? Love the xxxxxxxxxs.

@Bonnie: Today or next week? It's next week, right? Big celebratory plans?

@Lut C: Banana bread rocks! I think that sounds yummy. Perhaps I can just substitute coconut oil for the butter? It's interesting to me how adoption still seems to be fairly closed there but at least in many countries (though not sure about yours) all donor stuff is more open. Do you find that to be the case?

@Tricia: LOVE your photo idea!!! That hadn't even occurred to me but I really love it.

@PiquantMolly: Once things get more in motion I'll start updating those other places with statuses and feeds and such. Thanks for the excitement!

@Erin:I'm a longtime reader of you who is touched by the comment. Thanks!

@jen: You are supposed to COME HERE and get it at the source. That would be the most special delivery you could arrange. ;) I do think you have a lot of cute boy stuff that would make great hand-me-downs. Is there good news on your end? Sounds like it!

@tublessinstl: That's how I get you: lull you into a false sense of security with no action and no posting then WHAM!

@Red Headed Momma and PBfish: Welcome to my world! Waiting and more waiting.

Same As It Ever Was

For all of you obsessively stalking this space: still here. Still waiting.

Ms FoodNetwork had another appointment yesterday. She's a bit more effaced and a tiny bit dilated. The baby has dropped. The baby's head was felt. So maybe tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday? Oh and the midwife had a vision it's a girl. Not sure what her stats are on her visions but perhaps we'll add another data point soon?

It has been pointed out to the mister that he will be adding another Virgo to his family, if all this goes well. Apparently some people think this calls for sympathy. I think as long as he does everything the way it should be done then life will be smooth and organized. ;)

We I survived the in-laws visit (though I LOVE calling them outlaws, thanks MM for that). It was good it was brief but we had a lot of fun in The City. I tried not to take offense when they thoroughly enjoyed two activities I'd suggested FOR YEARS which suddenly sounded appealing when the mister suggested them. Why do I bother?

Our therapy session was tremendously helpful although I'm not sure what our therapist made of our introductory remarks ("Not much has happened since you went on vacation. An expectant mom called 13 days ago and she's now overdue and we're waiting for her to go into labor any minute. millie's dad was just diagnosed with prost@ate cancer and her mom is not disclosing her own medical issues and the mister's parents are in town and at their usual tricks."). Our therapist is fantastic! She helped us identify what we need through all this and some concrete ways to be kind to ourselves. She has walked more than a mile in our shoes and that is priceless.

She helped us see how some of the particulars in this situation (staying at the family homestead and the legal concerns) are likely how this family is expressing their fear and concerns much like that recent situation did with names.

We've made progress on the names front. We have two solid full names for a potential girl and are thisclose to a fully baked boy's name in the event the midwife's vision doesn't come to pass.

We still aren't sure how the first days/weeks after the birth will go. To Louise's point (and btw I hope none of you worry about being presumptuous because I enjoy thinking about your questions, truly), I think this family would like time for all of us to bond, in a more expansive way. We all want a similar kind of adoption and this could be a very special time to all be together. I think it's more about bonding our families together than just their bonding with the family. I know I would like to talk more about a transitional period and I'm hopeful that talk will happen. The good thing about this baby taking its (her???) time is that we do have more of a chance to talk through some of this and also to get to know each other.

In our consultant's service many of the families have a co-parenting period. Often the first day or two are spent together then there is some sharing or back-and-forth with the baby. Many of the families we know spend much of the days together and then the baby spends one night with the adoptive parents and the next night with the birthmom. This can go on for a couple of weeks. Sometimes the birthmoms breast feed, other times they pump and still other times the baby is completely formula feed. I know these scenarios are likely very different from what many of you experienced and can be hard to wrap your heads around.

 Most of the other babies are born in hospitals and there are hospital plans in place where the expectant mom expresses her wishes. Our consultant is great at working with the expectant moms to make sure their wishes are verbalized and that everyone (adoptive families, hospital staff, other friends and family) is aware of these wishes. This situation is fairly different because Ms FoodNetwork will only be at the birthing center for a few hours AND she and her mom haven't been open to hearing about how some of this can work.

Honestly at this point we aren't sure of what Ms FoodNetwork wants or that her voice is being heard and that concerns us. Her mom is a strong driving force and has very clear ideas about what she thinks is important. In fact, I think as long as she supports an adoption plan it will happen and she seems to be completely in favor of this adoption happening. I do know that Ms FoodNetwork has been thinking about adoption long before she even told her parents she was pregnant. That is really important to both the mister and I because if we felt that she wanted to parent we would not be moving forward with this.

The mister and I are very much on the same page about that. We're currently thinking we'll stay on the family homestead for a few days and get a hotel room for the remainder of the time. That is for us. We do recognize that we need to take care of us in all of this. And clearly I will need wifi to blog about all of this.

The other complicating factor is that school starts next week. I know Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to miss much school. There might be some other ways we can have a transitional period that might allow her to at least resume part of her life. We're just trying to be flexible about all that.

So this weekend we'll see a couple of movies and perhaps a musical (Wicked, anyone?). I'm going to bake some treats for Ms FoodNetwork (she's requested dairy-free (yogurt ok) and chocolate free...any ideas)? We'll hang out with our friends here. We'll play a little Rock Band. And see what the next few days bring us.

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@jen:Rocks with salt? Yes please!

@jen2: Chug away! We love the local brand around here (Hangar One) in all splendid variations. When you visit, we'll take you on the tour.

@MollyM: LOVE all your suggestions! You rawk! Am printing them out and posting on my fridge. Must remember to take down before next visit.

@luna: Would love to hear your suggestions about transition as well.

@Michell: You are ON for cupcakes! Raspberry vodka with red velvet cupcakes???

@Heather: Zen received. Thanks! Love your excuses as well!

@Becc: Thanks so much for commenting!!!! Thanks for reading as well. I know how hard it can be to delurk and truly appreciate it. Feel free to write or comment anytime.

@Red Headed Momma: You don't make mistakes with anything! I think the side agreement will solve everything. I think it's more important to hear their concerns and acknowledge them and try to show "good faith" in actions and legal things. It's also important for me to hear what's behind this fear and not let it irk me every time I think it's settled. Working hard to be your Zen momma-to-be like I was your Zen-bride (although I suppose it's an oxymoron to work hard to achieve zen anything.Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm).

@Sue: We all use math everyday. Are you and yours watching the Tour of Ireland?

@LutC: Thanks!

@Lousie: Did my explanation make sense? I'm open to other suggestions and always open to feedback/questions.

@Roni: You nailed it: speeding train and anything but all at the same time.

@Pocket: Welcome home! Hope to see you guys soon. Wanna go to cool baby gear sale tomorrow?????

@DeadBug:Saw our mutual doc last week and thought of you. She still has great shoes. She chastised me for going so long between visits.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Blah Blah Blah

So it's still going on, this waiting thing. I don't think I've got much else, really.

Some parts of the waiting are easier and some parts are harder. We thought we'd worked through all the legal issues and arrived at a solution that everybody agreed with but that seems to be back up for grabs.

Without going into too many boring details, it seems inherently problematic to Ms FoodNetwork's family that the law requires relinquishment on their part with legal custody held by another agent (agency or lawyer) until finalization. We thought by doing a more specific kind of adoption with an additional contract specifying what would happen if we did not finalize that everyone would be happy. Our agency sent some necessary forms and some sample forms and let's just say not everyone is happy.

The other thing that we're grappling with is what will happen while we're in the Lonestar State. I've alluded to this in the past but our preferred approach is a longer transitional period than many people might like. We totally support Ms FoodNetwork breastfeeding, if she chooses to do so, and some time co-parenting or all together. In a perfect situation that's what would happen.

Right now there is a lot of talk about a "bonding period" where we'd all hang out. That's great. There is not yet any talk about a transitional period which is something we feel needs to be discussed. We're also not sure how much of this is what Ms. FoodNetwork wants versus other people in her life (family, midwives, etc). So luckily this waiting period is giving us potential opportunities to try to talk through some of these issues as well.

As zen as we're trying to be, the mister and I aren't sleeping much. There's just too much chatter going on in our heads.

We're talking to our consultant nearly every day. And getting tremendous support from many of the other families and birthmoms in her service. THIS is the time when she really shines and we just tell ourselves over and over how grateful we are to have this support and help.

I got a funny call from our consultant this afternoon. She told me we owed her "big time" because she'd just spent over 2 hours on the phone with Grandmom. If you've ever met our consultant you would be shocked to find anyone that can out talk her or even keep up with her! I'm sure there's likely to be a similar call from Grandmom saying much the same thing. ;)

I do think these calls are all helping. We're doing a lot of relationship building and even though Ms. FoodNetwork and her family are turning down many of the resources they're being offered (phone consults with the agency here and attorneys, counseling, support from birthmoms or grandmoms, etc) the mere fact the opportunities are there and the communication lines are open is helping a great deal.

So the waiting continues.

To make things even more interesting the mister's parents arrive for a scheduled 41 hour visit (can you tell how much I'm counting down?). I've been doing the math all day. They're here for 41 hours. I'll go to the gym for 2 hours tomorrow and 2 hours on Friday which gets me to 37 hours. We'll all sleep/be in bed for 6-8 hours tonight and tomorrow night which gets me to 21-25 hours. Showering should take another hour. I have a work conference call tomorrow for an hour as well, two if I'm lucky. Couples therapy (clearly NOT something to be skipped when my in-laws are in town) is 50 minutes plus 20 minutes driving and parking. Their plane is currently 2 hours late. Now we're down to approximately 15 -19 hours, right???? RIGHT???? I can do that. I'm sure I can do that. How hard can that be?

Just send vodka.

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@Michell: Thanks again!

@Elana: Your picked the perfect names, however you ended up with them. Simply perfect. I hope we do as well.

@Aimee:You weren't supposed to be a member of this club either. I haven't read the amazing Pamela's book but know her blog well and got to hang with her last year at Blogher. She is as awesome as she seems. Glad to know it's resonating with you.

@Arsela: Why do people think their input matters on names? I hate everyone has strong opinions. That's part of the reason we've always said we'll simply tell them all when it's a done deal. The last name is gonna be a big deal with the mister's family because it's gonna be mine, not his. My evil SIL did that first (although we planned to long before she did) so at least there's a trend but I know they're going to be pissed.

@Bea: Thanks! Don't think any more than necessary!

@NotOnFire: LOVE your idea! Thanks so much!

@Pamplemousse: He knows you can relate all too well! Love Emma but way to popular here.

@Francine: If only he'd be totally reasonable at all times then we'd never fight. ;)

@MichelleL: Hope you had a fabulous vacation! I knew your youngest's names but must say I like all of them! Thanks for the training warning. I passed it on to the mister and he is now also hoping we get to fly back. At least we'll have plenty of diapers/formula/etc.

@wavybrains: Good thoughts are always appreciated. Thanks!

@Tonya: Thanks! It really is heartbreaking for them. I hope they'll read all these lovely comments and take some solace from them.

@Red Headed Momma: See??? YOU totally get it. Ceasar salad is totally clear and comforting. NO ambiguity whatsoever. He knows how crazy I am about the screws in my electrical sockets. Why should side dishes be any different? Perhaps our men should run off together and we can just plan the perfect meals for each other. I'm sure you of all people would never commit any wedding etiquette faux pas.

@LutC: I tend to just spin myself counterclockwise 10 times then clockwise 10 times. Repeat. That helps maintain a bit of equilibrium. ;)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, (updated to include) Weeping for My Friends

So the sitting, waiting, wishing part continues on and on. We're getting used to that, trying to live in the present and enjoy this part of the process. I'm trying to not loose my temper with the mister at the drop of a hat. I'm not doing as well on that last part, truth be told.

We're both a ball of nerves. I think all things considered we're doing really well. As long as he doesn't ask me what to get at the grocery store and offer no specific suggestions when we're planning a dinner for friends. Green salad with vegetables? I don't even know what that means. What kind of lettuce/greens? What specific vegetables? What dressing? What fat? Cheese? Fruit? Nuts? WHAT IS A GREEN SALAD???

I wish that was a made up example but I am mortified to say I did completely lose my shit yesterday over just that.

Our lovely friends the game-designing architect and his craft writing/toy designer wife came to dinner. We served our favorite burgers (thank you Jamie O), spicy sweet potato fries, a Cesar salad (nice and specific, don't you think?) and a strawberry rhubarb crumble with vanilla ice cream. Drinks were pitchers of Pimm's Cup (not the plural and all hail Pamplemousse and the Head Banger for supplying the Pimm's).

Then we played a few hours of Rock Band and called it a night. Good clean family fun and an excellent distraction.

Ms FoodNetwork is still very tired and very hot and ready for this to be done. None of that has changed. We're still texting and talking and getting to know each other. I had a lovely chat with her mom this morning and that was very nice for both of us.

Now for the weeping part: a couple of our friends had their hearts broken today. Like so many of us it's been a long, hard road for the Swede and his Yodeling Bride. The Swede and I go way back (well, back to 1999 which is a whole different century, right?) and worked together a lot at our old company. He's the one that started my Yodeling as well. His wife is just absolutely lovely. They've been through the wringer in lots of ways, not the least of it fertility-wise.

Things finally came together for them. The decided they wanted to try a DE cycle and they spent a lot of time finding the perfect donor and coordinating that cycle. We talked to them throughout the process and tried to support them as much as possible. Our heads are really back in those days but I hope we were of some help. The cycle went well. Textbook, even. Lots of great betas, all high and doubling. Off the singleton charts and solidly on the twin charts (yes I also got them hooked on betabase). Their RE referred them to an OB and they had their first ultrasound appointment.

In a perfect world, they should have seen one or two strong heartbeats. This world sucks and there wasn't a heartbeat. Only an embryo that stopped developing a couple of weeks ago.

They are new to this part of it and still trying to be strong and look on the positive. The mister and I are still Extra Bitter and furious at the world for them (just as we've been for far too many people that we care about). I woke up to this news today and the mister and I have cried many tears for them. If we don't leave for a couple of days then I hope to help more concretely as my sisters here have done for me so many times. I had so hoped their journey would be an easier one from here on out. Someone's should be, right?

I can feel all the love and good wishes coming for us and our current situation through the interwebs and it does sustain us. I wish the Swede and his Yodeling Bride could feel that as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
@THALIA: You are owed a real email in addition to a reply here. It's only my laziness that kept me focused on the comments from the previous post and in no way at all a reflection of the quality of your comments. Thank you for offering up Horatio but I fear we must pass on that one. ;)

@wavybrains: I guess we're officially matched but not sure? That sounds weird, right? She's only talking to us and committed to us. Thanks so much for the doula information. I think her midwife is also a doula and there will be 3 of them at the birth (or something). I'll pass along the info to Ms FoodNetwork because I'm all about giving her as many resources as possible.

@milenka:Yup, B&J has Smores ice cream. It's awful though. I'm sure you'd hate it. ;) I actually love your kids names. I think they go perfectly together and perfectly with yours.

@francine: Thanks for the recommendation and support. Can't wait until we're using them together recording our kids. Might be taking you up on that excuse.

@jen: I don't even want to think about that heat until it's forced upon me. Here's hoping there are no ac breakdowns while we're in Lonestar State.

@Rebel: I decided to make it as interesting as possible for anyone who went offline even briefly. So not far of me, I totally agree! We don't know the sex yet but will certainly let you know.

@nearlydawn: Thanks for the advice. It is feeling better to be hanging back here, at least for the moment. I do agree that one sling and a bjorn should tide us over.

@michell: Thanks for the company. I think missing the inlaws is too much to even hope for at this point.

@sparkle: Yes please to email the names!

@molly: So good to hear from you!  I don't want to give too much away but you might have just listed one of our very fave names. Great minds and all that.

@RedHeadedMomma: Hayden just confirmed many of my internalized rules and I like using as an example. So how do you feel about babies at weddings? Luckily the grandparents will likely love the excuse to come down. :)

@aimee: OOOOOH! Love your ideas about videotaping the rooms and such. We've mailed photos but will be fun to take some video of all that.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...that's us. I'm listening to a little Jack Johnson and trying to channel my inner zen. The days are seemingly longer and longer.

Yesterday I finally told the guys I'm working with that I might have to jet off to the Lonestar State on very short notice. They're clearly guys because their response was "well, as long as you have wifi you can still work, right?" Our team is fairly dispersed anyway(the technical lead is in Minsk for a few weeks, another key player is in Moscow, the clients are in NJ and NY) so if it was just a trip for some other reason that would be fine. I'm pretty sure there's no way in hell I'll want to lead conference calls or send a lot of stupid emails about search engine optimization or website design. But good to lay the groundwork and initiate the conversation.

Yesterday Whole Paycheck lived up to it's name. Thanks to you guys I picked up some Gripe Water, Almond Oil, assorted Burt's Baby stuff and a can of organic formula. I think it was probably the 4 bottles of white wine and 4 six-packs of expensive beer for our Man of Honor's birthday that really set me back. What says Happy Birthday to a beer loving psychiatrist better than Lobotomy Boch?

Best part of the Whole Paycheck trip? Getting carded. I always like to note the date because each time I think it'll be the last.

Also thanks to Aimee's suggestion and the lovely Francine's help over the phone, the mister and I got a cool but teeny vidocamera last night (the Flip) and we love it.

In my rush to get the carseat cover free from cat hair and drool, I lost one of the teeny tiny pads that covers the bottom buckle. Of course you can't buy just that one teeny tiny pad. So I called the manufacturer and ordered a whole new cover/pad set. Then I called what is now my very favorite baby gear store in the world. I'd recently purchased a travel bag for our stroller (before the call last weekend actually) and had great service with them. It turns out they are located in the very city we hope to fly to soon. And my new bff Gail found an open box return on the same color and has swiped the pad for me. We can pick it (and perhaps some other fun baby gear) up in person when we arrive! Problem solved!

We hadn't talked to Ms FoodNetwork so I thought it would be fun to text a bit (her email is down until Tuesday at the earliest and didn't want to pressure her with a phone call). I don't have mad texting skillz but am not afraid to use emoticons and lol to show I'm not as old as my passport indicates. Her midwife appointment yesterday went well but drained her. She's only 70% effaced (and not sure about dilation) so now they're thinking sometime early next week. Or later next week.

The mister's parents arrive here at 7 pm next Wednesday for 42 hour visit (apparently when you're retired you just don't have time to visit with family for long which as you might guess is hunky dory by me). They're spending the weekend down south for a family wedding that they told us repeatedly we wouldn't be invited to attend (does anyone think a volume or 10 of Miss Manners or Emily Post would even make a dent with them?).

I don't know if I complained about this trip earlier so forgive me if I'm being redundant. But when they scheduled the trip they gave us two options (Wed-Fri this week or Mon-Wed next week) and instructed us we'd each have to take a day off work. Seriously that's what they said "you'll need to take Thursday or Tuesday off". Who does that? I told the mister I didn't think they could afford my billable rate but we'd see once they received their net30 invoice. He thought I was kidding.

With just a little luck we'll only have time enough to see them briefly in the airport. With even more luck we'll miss them by a few hours. I doubt I'm that lucky but we'll see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Replies to previous comments (because I'm too lazy to deal with it any other way)

@beagle: I've been thinking a lot about you and yours. So many of his baby clothes are now safely packed and ready to be used! Your son shares his name with this baby's birthfather and I think it'll mean a lot to the family to know that connection.

@K: Bring 'em on! The good, the bad and the ugly.

@Jen: I knew you had excellent taste.

@bonnie: It all started with a baby named Hayden here a few years back for me (and that name does not go at ALL with their last name). Then Aiden got ruined with all that SATC stuff. And Britney with her Jayden. Then too many Cadens. I do like Braeden (epecially yours!) but my DNA boss and another friend have already used it up.

@Carrie: I love love love Baby Name Wizard and Voyager. I've been obsessed with that site for years and think she's done a great job with it. Do you know Nameberry ? That's one of my other fave naming sites.

@julie (I can even do wacky twittering like replies to show off): I hate to inform you that neither of your children break my naming rules. The birth certificate is all important and since you gave your eldest a non-nickname name there then that is peachy keen with me. Your youngest qualifies under the Social Security Popularity Index because it hasn't broken the top 20 although it's rated very highly around our neck of the woods. Try harder with #3. ;)

@michele: Thanks!!!

@Aimee: Got a videocamera now thanks to you and F! It's really hard to come up with 2 names we like.

@Pamplemousse: Bring on the names! It wasn't nearly as much fun to shop without you and I probably did an awful job of it.

@daisy mae: So far about 36 lbs and holding. I've been stuck on a plateau for a few months but hope to see the needle heading down again. I'd like to lose another 11 lbs at least but if I can just stay where I am that's better than before, right?

@amys:William is also a family name but not one the mister likes too much.

@arsela: Thanks for all the tips! I'll definitely bring more wipes and lotion for my hands. If the baby is very overdue I've read that their skin can be dry and cracking but we'll see if that comes to pass.

@wavybrains: Trying to be good about updating and it helps keep the nerves down.

@kimmie: Still here. Enjoying your lovely photos of where you are. I bought Ben and Jerry's Smores ice cream yesterday because of one.

Another Day, Another Update

So today seemed to go in slow motion. I slept in and skipped the gym (shhhhh, please don't tell on me). I suppose it's technically considered sleeping in because I didn't get up until 8:30 but I didn't get to sleep until after 3 so it's not like I was laying about all day.

We talked to Ms FoodNetwork before the mister went to work. She'd had some false labor last night but not too much else was going on. She has another appointment with her midwife tomorrow so we'll get an update after that.  Her dad is convinced that tonight is the night because there's a strong Oaktown-TX connection (aka our hometown football team is hosting that TX team with the cheerleaders). It's funny because none of us are football fans but are looking for connections anywhere and everywhere at this point.

We also talked more about names. I thought I'd written about all my various rules for naming but that was back before the May Days of Drama as we like to call it around here.

I've said before I have a lot of parameters for names that I like. I'm sure none of you are surprised by that, if you've read me for very long (especially if you know me IRL). I'm posting my rules here in the spirit of fun, please don't take offense if your favorite names break all my rules. It just means there won't be an overlap between us and no one will get hurt feelings about losing out on a name they love.

So without further adieu here are Millie's Wacky Naming Rules:

• Must be a real name, not a made up name.
• Must not originate from taking various syllables of names and combining them. Most definitely not spelling anything backwards.
• Could be spelled backwards in the case of RedRum but that breaks the first rule so no RedRum.
• Must not be a nickname. Jack is a great nickname but is not a name. Same for Maggie.
• Must be easy to pronounce and spell by most Americans. As much as I love Scottish/Celtic names and/or Swedish names we live in the US and not Scotland or Sweden.
• Must go nicely with the last name which is my surname and very well known all around the world and very typically Scottish (or Irish according to my former team over there).
• Must be spelled normally (not some wacky spelling just to be "different").
• Must not be too popular. Can't be in Top 10 for US names and prefer that it's not top 20. So no Isabella, Madison, Sophia, Caitlyn, Emma, etc for girls and no Jacob, Ethan, etc for boys.
• Must not end in super trendy combinations (anything with -ella for girls and -aden for boys).
• Can not be a boy's name co-opted for use on a girl (although I loved it in some of my favorite tv shows like Sisters and Alias).
• Bonus points if it ties into one of our family names, even if it's just the first letter.
• First letters of important family members: A,J, M, W, N, H,C, I, E, S
• Bonus points if it's a somewhat classic/old fashioned name that isn't too old fashioned. Or too popular.

Luckily for me the mister nods his head and smiles. He seems to go along with it all.

Packing/Stuff Update to yesterday's post:

I do have a sling of my own (Hotsling in a fab pattern) and a Baby Bjorn from my next door neighbor and both are now packed! I meant to include them on the list but was clearly brain dead. I'm hoping to add additional baby wearing devices (moby, mei teis, etc) to my arsenal at some point.

I've got some tiny little hats and socks and mittens. Some kimono wrap shirts and some lap gowns. Pacifiers and a collection of little bottles. All the baby stuff is packed in packing cubes and stuffed into the pram which is now inside the body bag. Camera is recharged and ready to go. We don't have a camcorder (but perhaps it's time to upgrade my iPhone...it's so 12 months ago). So far so good!

I do need to pick up some gripe water and various ointments. The reading light is a great suggestion as well. I have a couple of baby books packed too. I need to charge my Sony Reader as well. I even bought a new summer wardrobe in under 14 minutes so I can survive the TX heat. Imagine my surprise, er utter shock, when the saleslady suggested medium. And they fit! I am hardly in danger of being the skinny bitch with the baby but I do have the second part down. ;)

Tune in tomorrow for another episode...

Chugging Away

So far we're still here at home. The mister and I are getting antsy and just want to head east. Things are still chugging away and moving forward but it looks like we need to learn a little patience. It's safe to say that's neither of our strong suits these days.

The social worker visit was fine. She seems really cool (our last SW left our agency just after completing our home study). Not much has changed for us since the original report so she was only here for about half an hour.

Our consultant totally came through for us. TOTALLY. We're reminding on a daily basis of why we chose her. THIS is where she shines. She talked to one of her bffs who is a local well-respected adoption attorney and who is recommending a slightly different way of doing things. It's a way that protects the birthmom's rights so that the state or agency can't give custody to anyone besides the chosen family. All the Lonestar folks like this approach and are very happy to get less involvement from the state, no power to any agencies and rights protected all around. Yay for our consultant!

If we didn't have our consultant it's very likely this potential adoption would be going sideways.

All that being said, it's still 50/50. We repeat that to ourselves and our friends and families a lot right now. Last minute = 50/50.

We're chomping at the bit to get to the Lonestar State but we don't want to impose or pressure anyone. Honestly we're not getting any work done here and it would be more fun to be not getting any work done there. It's a city we've always wanted to visit and we could just go and explore some. Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to have us just waiting around waiting there which could be her way of saying she's not ready to have us there and that's totally cool.

But it sure would be nice to be able to do some more relationship building in person. It really could be another week until the baby comes. We're taking it day by day.

I am trying to keep busy but it's sooooo hard. I'm still going to my morning gym class but I have no focus. I also injured my back/ribs/obliques/something a couple of weeks ago rowing and now I'm relegated to biking only. It's much harder for me to concentrate on the bike (I don't get as many lovely numbers that scream YOU AREN'T CONCENTRATING as I do on the erg). Between the lack of sleep and lack of focus it makes for an unsatisfying workout and a somewhat cranky millie. Though I do think the workouts are helping keep me sane through all the craziness of this year (or at least saner than I would be if I weren't working my butt off).

And now for a funny (at least to me) story of how poorly my brain is currently working:

I decided to wash the car seat cover today. Actually the cat helped with that decision (or more precisely the cat drool). The mister and I struggled to get the seat cover off. The manual said it was easy. The internet said it was easy. We could get it almost off, save for one stupid buckle that was sewed completely on both ends.

So today I made the trek to the combination kids gear/squash shop where I bought my lovely lemonade car seat a year ago. It took two bridges and one very crooked street to get there. The kids gear/squash man couldn't get it off either. He tried and determined it was impossible and I should dump the whole thing in a bucket of oxyclean. I was very disappointed that my expensive European car seat was so difficult.

I stopped by another store on my way home (before the 3rd and final bridge of the day) and checked out their model. It was easy peasy to take the cover off on it. I figured mine was just the earliest US incarnation and had the wrong piece in the wrong place. I got home and tried to explain that to the mister and showed him where the other one was different.

Only the other one wasn't different at all. By just squeezing some material I was able to get it off! And in the washing machine, on the handwash cycle with a lovely rice milk scented baby detergent. It's now super clean and super spiffy.

I'll use that as a segue* to my list of things we're planning to take with us. Feel free to chime in and add or subtract things from my list. Or offer up any other travel assvice. Srsly.

• Sparkling clean lemonade-colored infant car seat (that is actually more lime but what do the Dutch know about citrus?)
• Stroller base
• Pram attachment for stroller (can also be used separately as bassinette) for nice, flat place for baby to sleep
• Super lightweight muslin swaddlers + couple of other swaddlers
• Onesies and lap gowns
• Tiny socks and mittens
• Pacifiers
• Burp Cloths
• Bottles (dropins for the train)

I'm thinking we'll just get some diapers, formula, and other stuff there. We had to buy a body-sized duffle bag to fit the pram and we can just pack the baby stuff in smaller packit cubes and fill the pram with that.

So what else do I need for a week or so in Lonestar state and 2-3 days on the train?

*Am I the only one that things "segue" looks totally misspelled thanks to that goofy scooter?

Time for Quick Update

Things are continuing to move at lightening speed here. Since we last chatted we were able to get our fingerprints done yesterday. We also scheduled our home visit for today (yikes!) and wrangled up our house-cleaner and wayward landscaper to help make the house a teeny tiny bit presentable.

We also had a long conference call with our consultant and Ms FoodNetwork's mom. If you've ever met our consultant, you know she likes to talk. So does Ms FoodNetwork's mom. Even though Mom was hesitant to talk to our consultant they really hit it off. We heard her concerns (none of which are about us but more about an agency or a lawyer having legal custody of the baby until finalization) and discussed some possible ways of mitigating her concerns and protecting the baby and birthfamilies's rights.

We were completely exhausted after the 2 hour marathon conference call. But really pleased that things are definitely in motion.

We went out for a quick sushi and sake celebratory dinner and then tried to watch an episode of The Wire (Season 3, Episode 1). We were both so drained that we dozed off an on during the show and finally plopped into bed at the late hour of 9 pm.

We've been on fast forward all day today getting the house ready and making phone calls. The social worker is due any minute. I'm sure it will go fine. Then we'll call the Ms FoodNetwork and catch up on her day. With a little luck we'll be on a plane headed east by Thursday at the latest.

I'll post again after the visit with some advice questions regarding travel specifics.

Sorry to keep y'all waiting today! Thanks for all the support and good wishes. You're the best. Really you are.

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you see smoke? If so, I think it's likely our phone lines smoking from all the use this weekend and today.

It truly is a manic Monday around here.

I've been on the phone so far to our local agency, a local attorney and two attorneys and one agency in the Lone Star state (home of Ms Food Network). We're also trying to relationship build with Ms FoodNetwork and her family. Many pictures have been shared and we're starting to talk names.

Of course nothing is going to be easy. It turns out we need FBI fingerprints and clearance not just Department of Justice. Some states require them. So we're doing a walk-in today and hoping for the best.

We also need another home visit and report for the Lone Star state. That's likely to set us back a little under 1k. With a lot of luck we can schedule it for tomorrow. With even more luck we can get the house close to acceptable (and far from the pig sty it is now).

The other situations are all on hold for now. We're frantically trying to figure out if all this is doable. Our pet-sitter is available and on hold. We've been poring over the train schedules and that seems fairly doable (as long as we get some kind of a bedroom) but we're honestly hoping if this works out that a plane gets more appealing to the other family.

Luckily we have most things that we need. Car-seat? Check. Sling? Check. Miracle blanket? Check. Flask? Check and check.

Ms FoodNetwork and her mom were meeting with their family lawyer today. We're totally comfortable with them having their own representation but we really want a qualified adoption specialist (aka quad A lawyer) especially since the Lone Star state has a lot of specific requirements.

We should know by tomorrow if we're flying out this week. Even though it's super frantic around here, that's not a lot of time to worry.

Ok. Off to clean out the fridge and tackle the kitchen.

And it always goes on and on and on and on and on

So I promised a post sooner rather than later. I have had good intentions. Truly I have.

I've been working on a post listing some of the potential complications in some of the situations. I'd love to get feedback from y'all. I'm just going to kind of list the things that are involved but not tie them to the particular situations they represent. I don't want to get too specific as things relate to any particular expectant mom.

So, without further adieu:

• Expectant mom is Hepatitis C+ but HIV- (no treatment for Hep C and never acute phase).
• Expectant mom is long time drug user, other children born addicted to opiates but are fine now (no learning disabilities/ADHD/other effects), used cocaine early in pregnancy but clean for 5 months/never uses alcohol.
• Biological dad died in car accident and no medical history information for him (and not sure it can be verified).
• Expectant mom is 40 and no prenatal testing has been done.
• Expectant mom is currently incarcerated on drug related charges.
• Expectant mom is getting no support from her parents (who she lives with) or her ex-boyfriend, all of whom are trying to prevent adoption.
• Expectant mom placed another child in open adoption and extended family had good relationship with that child. There would be the possibility for relationship with the sibling and adoptive family as well as extended birthfamily.
• Expectant mom smokes heavily (2 packs per day).
• Expectant mom had no access to prenatal care until 8 months but baby appears fine and healthy.

I'd love to hear from folks who've dealt with some of these factors. Please feel free to email me privately.

I got home from the gym a few days ago and the mister was on the phone with yet another expectant mom. It's a bit overwhelming how many leads we have right now but what a great problem to have, right?

The mister and I have been working hard to get the nursery completed. The fresh paint job was completed a week ago. The floors were refinished this week. We were so excited to move all the crap nice baby furniture today. In fact, that's all we planned to do this weekend. Well put up the expensive curtain rods from that store that Emily/Scrambled Eggs used to write so much about AND move the stuff back in.

Our phone rang right in the middle of our brunch. It was the expectant mom who loves her Food Network that we talked to six weeks ago. She wanted to see if we'd matched with anyone yet. She'd been working with another couple but it became clear to her that they hadn't deal with their infertility and their lawyer was being incredibly aggressive. Her mom had a lot of questions for us. We both talked to her mom for a couple of hours. Then we talked to our consultant and other folks. We talked to the expectant mom again tonight and will be burning up the phone lines again tomorrow morning.

She's due on Tuesday. Like in a couple of days this coming TUESDAY. But she thinks the baby won't come until Wednesday or Thursday. OMG. OMG. OMG. (we said a lot of that around our house today). OMFG.

There's a lot to work out between now and then but we might be heading on a very long road trip (her mom doesn't want the baby to fly when it's so little) or flying out and renting a car to drive back or taking the train back or whatever we have to do.

So the last complicating factor would be an expectant mom who's about to pop but wants us to be there at the birth and she lives 1759 miles away. Has anyone driven that distance with a one week old? Hypothetically speaking, that is.

Thanks for all the lovely comments and thanks to all of you that check in on me. Truly.

PS To Sue: my very very fave sprinter is the amazing Aussie himself: Robbie Mc.Ewan. Lurve him so much. He's the reason I joined Twitter. And Robbie Hunter of South Africa. But this year the Man from the Isle of Man won my heart (and 6 stages!) and I was rooting very hard for Tyler. For GCs my heart belongs to VdV. And Levi. Even LA is up in my estimation after this year. Who do you like?

PPS To Oro: For real. WTF was up with Alberto? I loved Lance's tweets about him after the race. My respect for AC plummeted.

PPPS To Chris: Move away from my windows, lady, or I will call the cops.

Call the Guinness folks...I think we have a new record

Hello...Hello... Is there anybody out there? If so, I'm totally impressed. If not, I completely understand.

I am such a loser these days when it comes to blogging. I supposed I should come up with some excuses at least. Let's see...how 'bout the dog ate my blog? I forgot my own password? I've been too busy completely immersed in the bike race in France and unable to talk about anything else?

Oh, wait. That last one is true. Do you have any idea of how many professional cyclists twitter? TONS! I broke down and finally joined Twitter so I could follow my one true love favorite sprinter of all time. Did y'all watch the tour?

I have completed my time working for Big Pharma and am currently focused on baking and getting stuff done around the house. I thought I'd have a couple of more weeks to enjoy my life as a lady who lunches but apparently I'll start with some new paid projects in a couple of days.

I'm still training like crazy and have completely lost my mind and signed up for a three hour spin class/fundraiser ON MY BIRTHDAY. I have also tried to schedule a massage for later that day so I'm not completely bonkers (though the mister believes I've truly gone round the bend).

Let's see. Any other news?

Hm, well we are "in play" as the folks in our adoption service like to say. We have been getting lots of phone calls and emails. It's actually getting hard to keep them all straight much less come up with fake names for them. Here are a few of the more interesting possibilities that didn't work out:

• Identical twin boys in Texas
• Expectant teen in Seattle who lives very close to Bebe and Initial Girl/Sandal Boy
• Expectant college gal who is loves her Food Network and wanted her kid to travel and cook
• Mom of expectant college gal in midwest who adored our website but didn't want to have to ever talk to agency/lawyer/anyone and wanted to keep everything "completely private"
• Expectant mom in SoCal who shared my love of a certain surfer musician and love of voting

I suppose we could hear back from some of those but it's really great just to be getting contacted so frequently.

I did say we are "in play" and it's much like dating multiple people. We're currently talking with folks in 3 situations. We aren't officially matched but trying to get more information and do some relationship building in all three situations. They are all due at about the same time (mid November through early December) so we have some time to get to know them but not loads and loads of time like that NHL situation.

There are some complicating factors in each of the situations so I think my next post might be asking for information/assvice about all the complicating factors, perhaps without relating to any situation in particular. For right now, we like all of these women/situations for various reasons. Two of them seem the most promising so we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

And last but not least: The nickname for the Head Banger (and every time I type that I hear it exactly as he would say it in his lovely Scottish tongue) came from his mad musical skillz irl and in Rock Band and his entirely black wardrobe. NOT from any incidents of banging of heads in a non-musical fashion. That is all. ;)

Staycation All I Ever Wanted

Sorry to have been quiet for a bit. It's just been super busy around Chez Millie.

You've all heard that staycations are on the rise, right? No one has money to travel and looks for things to do close to home. Well, I think it's safe to say I had a little staycation of my own the last (nearly) three weeks. The Scots aka Pamplemousse and her mister (who deserves a name of his own so I will now refer to him as the Head Banger) came to town!

I could regale y'all with tales of all we did and saw from cheesy touristy things to fine dining in wine country but I'll leave that to Pamplemousse. She has a few more days off before she returns to work and I think that's plenty of time for a full "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" post. Don't you?

Instead I'll just say how much fun I we had with Pamp and the Head Banger and how good it was for our battered old souls as well. They were such good sports letting us drag them all over the bay area including our monthly adoption group and pub trivia. They were such great guests they even slept on our air mattress and crappy pillows without complaining.

The mister and I truly enjoyed showing them around our adopted state and just hanging out as well. It was so great to finally meet them and so strange to say that to them today when they left because it's like we've known them for many, many years.

As I sit in my all-too-quiet house eyeing the Rock Band guitar and microphone that are silent for the first time in days, I can't help but remember the discussion with my mil  nearly two years ago when she was adamant that you can't have true friends through the internet. She is so very, very wrong.

Safe travels, Pamplemousse and Head Banger.

We Interrupt Fun With Names

As much as I love talking about names and my crazy naming rules (although from some of your comments I can tell many of you will agree with me), that's not where this post is going.

The last week has been full of drama. The kind of drama that you don't really want but you know is part of this wild ride called "adoption". The kind of drama that has me no longer thinking of names and, instead, canceling all plans to go forward with NHL.

It's ok. Really, really ok. The mister and I are fine with this turn of events. Truly.

We had inklings earlier on there would be drama at some point. When someone gets incredibly angry at other people, you wonder when that anger will turn on you. Because it will. When someone puts you up on a pedestal and over idealizes you, you wonder what will happen when you fall off that pedestal a bit. No one can live on a pedestal forever.

This week that all came to pass. It was something I'd been waiting for since our trip last month. The mister wasn't convinced I was right and thought I was over analyzing things, imagining personality disorders in every nook and cranny. He was busy studying to be the ubergeek while I was mastering the DSM so it's not a big surprise. 

When the proverbial mess hit the proverbial fan, the mister and I had some serious decisions to make. We chose to ride it out a bit and see if we could all get past the drama. We thought perhaps it could be a chance for us all to deal with some tough issues and set the stage for working through even tougher things in the future. Adoption is hard work. The kind of open adoption we want can be even harder at times.

Last night we got an email from NHL saying she was choosing not to move forward with us. I'm not going to lie: we were a bit disappointed but mostly we each let out a huge sigh of relief. There was so much drama in the previous week that we couldn't imagine what the next three months would be like, much less the next 20-30 years.

And we are both very, VERY happy this happened now rather than at the hospital, or after the hospital. That would be so much harder and likely heartbreaking.

Our consultant has been great throughout this time. We keep saying to each other "oh yeah, THAT'S why we chose her and why we paid her". She advised us to bow out gracefully and graciously last week. She's seen these situations many times and they never work out well. We are happy with how we've handled everything and have no regrets.

So we're turning the google ads back on, working on a facebook group, opening our hearts and hoping something great will come our way.

Oh and we know something fabulous will be here soon: The Pamplemousses arrive in a little over a week and I can't imagine anything better for us right now. 

What's the Name of the Game?

I know I'm past due for an NHL update. It's been a fairly eventful couple of weeks. I'm struggling with what to write about here and what to leave out.

I'll start by saying that things are good on the whole. Things are progressing, moving forward, feeling right. All of that is positive. We were hoping NHL would visit us here towards the end of June. We wanted her to see our house and our lives. We wanted her to have some time with our consultant one on one, and with all of us together. We hoped to time it over one of the big monthly meetings so she could meet some of the other folks in the service from all parts of the adoption constellation.

She was warming up to the idea and tentatively planning on a trip. Then a short while back she was in an accident. She's fine, the baby's fine but she was already wary of flying so far from her home before the baby is born. It adds a lot more stress to her life and we don't want to pressure her.

The trip was planned for about the time we can officially match. We're in this strange place now where we aren't truly matched but we're not seeing other people. There are many good reasons not to be matched until she's around 28 weeks but that doesn't mean we aren't relationship building.

One of the things that's been coming up a lot is the name game. This is also one of the things that's weighing heavy on my mind right now.

Back before we knew it was a girl, NHL had started sending us lists of boy names. I think the idea came from an initial conversation she had with our consultant. Now, I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone who's been reading for a while that our consultant has her own (sometimes peculiar) ways of doing things. One of the things she has a process for is naming the baby.

I'm not sure if all of you know how the process works in adoption situations. All adoptees have an original, unaltered birth certificate with all the information from their birth. This birth certificate is sealed upon finalization of the adoption. (As an aside, we're hoping to get a copy of this for our children before it's sealed so they'll have it). Then a new birth certificate is issued with some old information (time/doctor/witnesses) and some new information (adoptive parents). It can be really hard on some adoptees that have different names on their birth certificates.

I had a long discussion about this last week with a good friend who's an adoptee in reunion. She said she'd had 3 different names during her life (one set from her birth mother, one her foster parents and one from her adoptive parents). She said it didn't bother her to have had different names but she felt bad for her first mom who now had to call her by a different name after not knowing her for such a long time. It's funny because I think both her first name and current name fit her very well. Her adoptive mom was distraught when she found out they'd changed her name. They asked the agency if there had been a name given to her and the agency lied and said it was only "baby girl". Her parents have always seemed ahead of the curve in adoption issues so that wasn't a surprise they'd been concerned about these sorts of things from the beginning.

I  believe that naming your child is an important part of claiming your child but it's also an incredibly charged and sensitive area, especially when trying to form a lasting bond through an open adoption. In a perfect world, our children will have the same name on both birth certificates and that name will be mutually agreed upon.

I think I might lose a lot of you here. I know this sounds strange but bear with me.

Our consultant likes to approach this by having the adoptive parents compose a list of three names and present them to the expectant mom/family. Then you work together to (hopefully) agree on a name that EVERYONE likes. She likes doing it this way because she had a couple of adoptions that nearly fell through because the first family hated the name the adoptive family planned on using.

So this is what she explained to us many months ago. This is also how she explained it to NHL. NHL loves the idea of being involved in the naming of this baby (and I really think she should) but it's been hard because she started sending us lists of names. Long lists of names.

I should digress and tell you I have very specific naming rules of my own. I think they might even deserve a post all to themselves. I think I'll do that post next but for now I want to focus on what all this brought up in me. Let's just say it wasn't exactly pretty.

It was easy enough when we didn't know the sex of the baby to not really engage about the names. I was secretly relieved when the baby was a girl because we had a fresh slate. I'm trying to learn how to navigate these boundaries. I'm trying to process what this all means to me and why it's so much harder to be confronted with this than all the other things I've given up along the way.

But when I get these lists of names its just so very hard. I do want NHL to be involved. I do want to be able to follow our rules and hers and to come up with something that will work for all of us. I want that to be in a way that's comfortable for me. I wasn't sure what that looked like.

I realized I really wanted the mister and I to have a nice solid list first. I wanted to spend some time, just the two of us enjoying this part of impending parenthood. I mean how awesome is it that we're making a list of names? It freakin' ROCKS! It's fun, fun, fun!

There's a lot to negotiate between the two of us. I really want our first child to have my last name. We're not going to be a family that all has the same last name and I have very strong reasons for wanting our first child to have my family name.

As much as we'd like to play the name game with NHL we needed a couple of rounds to ourselves. We've spent the last week or so thinking and ruminating. We have a short list that pleases us both. We're still not quite ready to share that yet. We're currently pinning that one on our "mean ol' consultant" who won't let us talk about names until we're matched.

It's so nice to be planning for the future, with a baby that might be ours (or maybe not and that's ok too). I can't imagine not including the NHL in these talks eventually but I can't handle doing that just yet.

I'm wondering how others have handled this situation. Did you find it as hard as I am? How did you include and/or honor your child's birth family in the process? If your child was given a name when they came to you (or when they were born), did you keep that name?

UP NEXT: The rules of the name game. Feel free to play along from home (or, perhaps a bit more likely for some of you, from work).

Raising a glass to Tertia

I'm so excited that Mel is hosting this book party for Tertia today. Read this and then go mingle with the other guests at Mel's, k?  I'm so excited that Tertia's book is available on Amazon. Did you all know that it is? Here's a link. Go buy it if you haven't already. Seriously. I'll wait.

I am assuming that all of you (or most of you) know of the amazing Tertia. If you don't, you really, really should. Her blog (and her book) is called So Close and can be found at www.tertia.org

Mel thoughtfully provided us with some conversational topics and I'm really looking forward to reading everyone's posts today. I decided to go a slightly different route, something a bit more personal and a little less literary.

I think it's time for a toast. I hope y'all will bear with me.

Like many of us, Tertia's was one of the first blogs I ever found. Now this was in the dawn of the blogosphere (T is that old but not me) and there weren't as many infertility blogs around so most of us started with the classics. And hers was certainly a classic that is full of timeless posts like  IVF Barbie, How to be good friends with an infertile, Giving up- when is enough  enough, Surviving Infertility. Damn fine posts (and all in the book...hint hint).

Over three years ago I flew to South Africa for my first donor egg cycle I had a secret hope of meeting up with her but was way too starstruck to even ask. I don't know how she found out I was there but she did and was miffed I hadn't emailed her, she thought I wasn't interested in meeting her. Can you believe that? Being the bigger person she  invited the mister and I to coffee. It was awesome.

We met up on Friday the 13th in the middle of the mall on the V & A waterfront. I still remember seeing her come down that escalator with her incredibly long legs and dressed to the nines.

The three of us had a grand old time. We got right to the heart of the things quickly and heard all about her twins birthday party that happened just when we'd arrived to Cape Town. We talked about all the stuff we infertiles like to talk about. We shared notes on the doctors and sisters at the clinic. We compared notes on our ectopic pregnancies. We talked a lot about how the emotional part of cycling was so much harder than the physical part but no one warned you about it. We even talked about the book she was working on in her "spare" time. But this one part of the conversation stuck with me all this time. I can replay it over and over in my head. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can see the three of us at that table (all a little younger than now) and hear her words in my mind.

The mister asked Tertia how she was able to keep going, after all the things she'd been through and her long journey. And Tertia said "giving up just wasn't an option. I'm just too stubborn and the alternative is just unacceptable."

And the mister, with more than a tear in his eye, just said "Yes. You're absolutely right."

The other thing the mister said to me after Tertia went back up that escalator is that "she really puts the super in supermom, doesn't she?"

After that coffee, Tertia became one of our biggest cheerleaders. She was gutted along with us when we had our negative beta a couple of weeks later and she helped me get back on the horse (and the plane) a couple of months later.

My next trip was a whirlwind but Tertia found the time to fete the Infertile Gourmet and me. I must have passed the sniff test the previous trip because this time I got to meet the husband, kids and Rose and hang at Casa Tertia. I think she's realized the folly of letting internet friends into her house and has since moved but I've heard I could track down her new house with google or something.

Hm, that sounds a bit stalkerish, doesn't it? I wonder if she's changed her cell number as well? Moving on....

She took Alex and me to a lovely wine farm close by her house. We had the most amazing day. I would say that Alex and I drinking wine with Tertia puts us in a very exclusive club. But if you know Tertia that's not exactly true. ;)

We also talked about her book a lot on that trip. If I remember correctly (and I doubt that I do) it was in the editing stage. She promised to send me a copy when it was done. She said I could be her press person stateside or perhaps her chaperone (she SO clearly needs one).  I knew her book would be a great success. I'm so thrilled that it's climbing the charts on Amazon. I gave up waiting for my autographed copy and ordered one my self.

You'd better remember all the little people and at least sign my damn book on your triumphant book tour!

Now Tertia has added best selling author to her very long resume. She has done so much good for her sisters that were and are still in the trenches first with her blog then the book and now her Egg Donor Agency (btw I'm beyond thrilled that I can recommend Nurture to my friends). I honestly don't know where she finds the time.

Just like the mister said so many years ago, she really does put the super in supermom. And superwriter. And superfriend. Asshole.

So let's all raise our glass to Tertia, thank her for all she's done for us, wish her every success, and hope that baby Max comes soon. Gesondheid!

Now it's your turn to toast (or roast... up to you).

I should be outside enjoying this weather

Good grief but the weather here this weekend is gorgeous. Just spectacular. It's in the low 80s and sunny. My plan was to spend as much time outside as possible. Instead, I'm still in my pjs on our formerly comfy couch.

It's been a catch up kind of weekend around here. Last weekend was all about taxes. It was a rough one. When you're a self-employed consultant who's never committed to setting up your own business, you pay every April 15. And pay and pay and pay (actually I pay every quarter but this one is always the worst). I'm hoping to decide between an LLC and an S Corp in the next week or two and finally get off my duff. If this means anything to any of you and you have assvice/input/horror stories please feel free to email me. I could use all the help I can get about now.

What I really planned to write about here was one of the bumps in this potential adoption. I'm not sure it's really a true bump but it does complicate things a bit and we're not sure how it's going to play out. I'm also struggling with how much and what I want to write about here so bear with me as I struggle through this.

It's about the biological dad. That's the term I'm going to use because that's the language NHL uses. It's about him and it's about the two of them.

I think it's likely very common to have issues between the biological parents in a potential adoption situation. In fact, it's probably the norm. I know in other situations we didn't have much information to go on so that would be easier in some respects (terminating rights) but much harder in others (we really want to include as much of biofamily as possible).

I know it's not uncommon that a biodad will leave once there's a pregnancy. Many of the birthmoms I know were very upset during their pregnancies because they didn't get the kind of support they wanted/hoped for from the biodads for a variety of reasons.

That's certainly part of this situation. But this biodad wasn't given much of a chance to provide any support either. I can understand why he's shocked and surprised to find out that NHL is pursuing an adoption plan. He was lied to for months and that's a tough thing to find out.

Right now we're in the middle of all this. NHL has asked us to go along with not naming the biodad on the birth certificate. We've explained to her why that is unethical and wrong and we would not move forward with her if she felt that way. She's also asked us to promise that he wouldn't have contact with the baby. I can understand why that feels unfair to her but that is not a promise either of us would make for a number of reasons.

We can see a path where we develop a relationship with him that is separate from our relationship with NHL. She can't see that. I do understand that. She feels like he has no rights because he didn't support her in the way she wanted/hoped for from the beginning. I understand that as well.

In our minds, it's about what's best for the baby. There are many reasons why we think it's important to forge a relationship with the biodad. We'd feel that way in any situation because in our perfect situation our children will know as much of their biofamily as possible. I think in this particular situation it's even more important because this baby is biracial. I especially want her to know the side of her family that has a different heritage from NHL (and us). There are also half-siblings involved and that contact is not something I want to deny any child of mine.

We knew there would be challenges in any situation. We're moving forward as best as we can. This is where our consultant is so great and truly earning her keep. She's dealt with these situations time and time again. She'll make sure that we all proceed in an ethical manner and that no one's rights will be trampled on. I know there are lawyers and adoption "professionals" who would encourage NHL to lie and then terminate parental rights however possible. I'm so very glad that group doesn't include our consultant.

I'm sure there will be a lot more to come about this. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who's dealt with similar situations. We're trying to find a balance here of supporting NHL while trying to feel out the other side and just navigate through all of this

Weekend in New England: Finally The Recap!

I know. I know. I KNOW.

I've been back for a week and all I talked about here is basketball. Please forgive me.

I'll cut to the chase: our trip was wonderful. It was amazing, exhilarating, intense and exhausting all at once. I can't believe it's already been a week since we returned. I can't believe it's only been a week since we've returned.

It really was a whirlwind trip. We left super early on Friday morning. One in-flight movie and a couple of episodes of The Office and we landed in Boston. (The last person I want on my case is the lovely daisy mae: I only called it Bean Town in that other post because it worked so nicely as a foil against Mo-Town. PROMISE!) We actually packed light (for once!) so we quickly picked up our car (thank you, thank you, Gold Service) and headed north.

We make it to our lovely b&b in a very quaint town in record time. We had a brief nap and freshened up. Then it was time to meet NHL. She wanted to try a nearby Thai restaurant and we're always in the mood for Thai, so what could be better, right?

Now, I really must digress. You know sometimes you meet people that you've felt you've known your whole life? Maybe you're internet friends and you've emailed and talked on the phone but not yet met in person? Or maybe it's just me. I've had a lot of experiences like that. There are a lot of folks from Wedding Land that I met after much internet discussion. Usually it was ok. Sometimes it was great the great from the very first time we met IRL and we couldn't stop talking for hours and hours(I'm looking at you Aimee and Bebe and the one formerly known as FirstTimer; and Emily and InAHoldingPattern/FinallyArrived and Anna H and Scrambled Eggs and all you NC gals from Blog Land).

And even more rarely it's just so incredibly easy and natural and just so very right you know that's just how it was always supposed to be? Like when I showed up on Liana's (teendoc's) doorstep all those years ago and now I can barely comprehend that was actually the first time we "met" in person.*

Yeah, it was like that. NHL is family. Whatever happens going forward, she is part of us. It was great. We talked for hours. We had a few things to share with her including some books from our consultant and some cookies I baked for her.

We met early the next morning for the ultrasound and regular appointment. It was amazing. Truly amazing. We were so honored to be invited to share such an incredible experience. We saw the fetus in such incredible detail: every vertebrae, the bladder, all 4 chamber of the heart, a tiny foot.

The midwife was really great too. She answered all NHL's questions and said she was doing great. They can continue her Saturday appointments for a while which works great for NHL's job. All is going smoothly with the pregnancy and NHL and the baby are both in great hands.

After the appointment we went out for a leisurely breakfast and some shopping on Main Street. It was just great hanging out and all getting to know each other. Then we took a bit of a break. We all needed naps before dinner.

We met closer to NHL's home for a lovely dinner overlooking a pond. Dinner was nice but it started to cut into basketball time. I'm serious. I had warned NHL that I was obsessed and there was a game. I wasn't sure I wanted her to see just how fanatic of a fan I really was but figured she should see us warts and all.

Even with the warning, she was a bit stunned. She stayed for part of the first half but then it was past her bedtime so she headed for home. It was past mine as well but there was round ball to be played.

The mister and I had a more leisurely morning on Sunday. We enjoyed the nice breakfast at our b and b and then checked out a possible longer term rental for the fall. Then we met up with NHL for a brief visit. We got to see her home and take a few photos. So nice!

We headed to the Big City and a short visit with a friend of mine from my geeky high school. It was so great to visit with him and his family. His wife is also an incredible midwife who is very connected in that area. She embarrassed their oldest, reminding him that I was there when they took him on his very first march! He was only 6 week old and one of the youngest activists on the mall for a large ProChoice march back in the day. Yes he's driving now and applying to colleges (he was more interested in talking about his rowing with me than his activist infant-hood). It's nice to have local folks who are super supportive about this next chapter of our life.

The flight home was easy as well. We got 2 movies (TWO!) including one we wanted to see (Frost/Nixon) and one we didn't know we wanted to see but still enjoyed (7 Pounds). It was pretty late when we finally made it home to our dogs and cat but they were glad to see us.

There are more plans with NHL. We're hoping she'll take us up on our offer to head west in a few months and visit us and attend one of our crazy monthly meetings with our consultant. She's invited me to be her labor coach and signed us up for an all day birthing class in July. We've put down a (refundable) deposit on a lovely in-law apartment in Quaint Town, overlooking the river and just down from Main Streets for a month at the end of the summer/beginning of the school year. We're not officially matched (that can't happen until she's 28 weeks or so) but still getting to know each other and enjoying the process and journey.

Oh by the way, the mister and I are working on our list of girl names. The NHL was convinced before the ultrasound that she was pregnant with a boy but it turns out she's not. It's a feisty, future soccer-playing, very strong girl in there. There's still time to get used to the idea that it's a girl.

There's a lot that can happen in the next few months. We're not assuming this girl will be our girl. We firmly believe that NHL will need to remake her decision after birth and we need to give her the space and support to freely do just that. But for now we're moving forward and trying to navigate this particular ambiguity. That's all good. There have already been some bumps this last week and I'm struggling with what I will and won't write about here. But, for now, we're just living day to day and trying to do the best that we can.

And we are working on that list of girl names.

*For those of you that don't know, that's how I met teendoc the first time. She (and her Adoring Husband) took me in at a crucial time for me. We cycled together at the same clinic at the same time. It was also a pivotal time for her for a lot of reasons. Even though that cycle didn't work for either of us from a baby perspective, it certainly added a very important person to my family.

It's been a long 12, make that 16, years

I know if you're reading this, you're likely hoping for an update on our trip. That is coming. I promise you.

But today there is only one thing I can write about. My boys in blue did an awesome job last night. They played with heart and focus and a passion that is unbelievable. They did it as a team and that game is truly one for the record books.

I have learned to live as an Expat here. Most of the locals don't really get me when it comes to my own basketball obsession. That's ok. We've carved out a niche and found a place where it feels good and right to watch our team. A place where they bring in barbecue and play Jump Around before the game and we all pretend we're thousands of miles away.

Last night was no different. The bar was filled with folks in that lovely shade of light blue. The only green shirts celebrated our Green Light. There were new grads and very old grads like me. We drank from Big Blue Cups. We sang our cheers. We watched a truly great game. We substituted the Haight for Franklin Street. It was a very beautiful thing.

And yet it was almost as sad for me as it was 4 years ago. Back then this blog was still somewhat new and I wasn't nearly as bitter as I am today, but that linked post still captures so much of what I felt last night and today. It's just so bittersweet. It's been nearly 16 years since my voice was on Franklin St, yelling and celebrating with my bff. I still miss her so very much. She should have been with us last night.

I'll be back very soon with a long update about our weekend. I promise. It was great. Really great. Exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.

But today I raise my Big Blue Cup to all the friends that should still be here to celebrate.

*Now if you're not one of us you might have found it boring or a bit lopsided but that was all vindication for  the slanderous things said about us throughout the season: can't play defense, Psycho T isn't emotional, Ty's toe will slow us down, overrated, etc.

The Boys Are Back in Mo-Town

Well, well, well. My Heels are headed to Detroit. I'm very excited and think they'll do a fantastic job. I'm tired of hearing about all their faults. They can't play another fast team (oh, really...take that Gonzaga). They don't play defense well (um, Oklahoma might feel differently about that now). They've already beaten one of the other Final Four teams on the very same court just a few months ago. Now I don't want to get too far ahead of myself but if they just focus on their game, they will win. They are the team to beat. Even our president thinks so.

Speaking of not getting too far ahead of myself, the mister and I are awfully excited about next weekend. We fly east at the butt crack of dawn. There have been a flurry of emails between NHL and us. I think she's just as excited. I know she's worried we might not like her in person (ha! I sooooo don't think that's even a remote possibility) just as we are worried about the same thing. We're all trying to come up with places to see. She wants to entertain us but is unsure of what to do. We want to see her life and share ours. That means potentially showing her just how crazy about basketball I really am.

I've told her there's a game. And that the word "fan" is clearly derived from "fanatic" when it comes to me. She's being a good sport but we've already told her if she needs to bow out or rest then that is more important.

We've started talking names with NHL. That's several posts all on their own. The mister and I have a hard time with names on our own so this is likely to be even more interesting involving a third party. Since we're finding out the gender I'm hoping to delay some of the name stuff for a bit. We have time, lots of time.

Oh and that 30 minute row? I kicked some serious erg-ass with it! I was ridiculously proud of myself. I beat my own goal. It was a realllllllly long 30 minutes though. Shortly thereafter, my body began to fall apart.

Two hours after finishing the row, my right eye started swelling. I spent that afternoon at a variety of docs and got some great drops and told to rest. I took Saturday easy (um, except for the game, duh!) then Sunday went for a 2 hour bike ride with the mister and my training group. I thought my sore throat that day was from yelling at the tv. The sore throat got worse throughout the week. On Friday night I added sharp, piercing ear pain to the mix and couldn't sleep at all due to the pain. The on-call doc said on Saturday it was likely an ear infection that would heal itself. Um, it hasn't. Today's doc realized I somehow ruptured my eardrum (so that's the source of the blood in my ear) and promised to write my mom a note saying it was not due to loud music (or even basketball)...just way too much fluid. She sent me to the pharmacy to ask for one of those drugs that you have to sign your life away to get these days because they think you might be cooking something at home besides cupcakes. I have a day and a half to get it under control or add steroids to the drug cocktail.

My ear hurts. A lot. But I will do whatever it takes to get on that plane this weekend. My boys may be heading to Motown but I've got a very important date outside Bean Town

I Want My, I Want My, I Want My M.TV

I'm not sure how many of you are regular M.TV viewers. I know that I'm not. Well, not anymore. I was back in the day way back when it first started and involved actual videos (and The Young Ones. I heart The Young Ones and think about that show every time I eat lentils). I digress. But there is a very special show that just began airing this weekend. It's an episode of Tr.ue Li.fe called Tr.ue Li.fe: I'm Plac.ing My Ba.by Up For Adopt.ion. It's a documentary look at two expectant moms who are considering open adoption.

You can see more information here and the production blog here. Check your local listings for airing times or check back in a few weeks and you can watch the episode online.

I think the producers did a great job. I think it's a very realistic, honest look at the process. I'm amazed and humbled by the families involved and how much they shared.

I'm really interested in hearing what y'all think of this episode.

Thursday Thoughts

Remember how I said back in January that I started an intensive training program? I thought it was time for an update.

Tomorrow is the last day of said program. Tomorrow we're set to do a 30 minute row. Almost entirely above our threshold heart rates. I thought I should update today because I'm not quite sure I'll make it through tomorrow or be able to type at all after.

Kidding. Sorta.

It's been really great. I missed a few days when I was sick and a few more when we were in Florida but that's it. I'm still not used to the new schedule (alarm goes off at 5, take my synthroid and hit snooze 3-4 times, spring out of bed with just enough time to put on clothes I thoughtfully set out night before, scarf breakfast, leave house just in time to make it to gym by 6 am) but I'm sticking to it.

Over the last few weeks I've increased my fitness dramatically. I now know my exact target heart zones (and realize when I thought I was working out before I was barely aerobic). I also know that I can do a lot of stuff I didn't think I could a few weeks ago. Like row 2k at a race pace. Or do plank for 3 minutes.  I've lost inches in all the right places (which is most places). My resting pulse and blood pressure are much lower. All good things.

I've even lost all the weight I gained with infertility. Plus more. I'm down about 23 pounds overall. There's a lot more to go but so far, so good. I had to even buy new pants because mine were falling off.

My goal is to be a (semi) skinny bitch when Pamplemousse arrives stateside this summer. I had the bitch part down but now have a good start on the rest.

Other bits and pieces:
I'm so very saddened by the death of the lovely Natasha Richardson. I've always adored her, most recently on Top Chef. I've always adored her husband as well and can't imagine the grief he, his sons and the rest of her family are feeling. Love Actually will never be the same again. It's just so sad.

In much happier (not to mention) lighter news,  I am very amused that our president is as concerned with the same toe I mentioned in my last post. And that the current leader of the free world has excellent taste in basketball. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourself here.

It's March Madness, baybee. Bring it on!

Do You Ever Sit and Wonder?

I found myself with several free hours today. Unexpectedly free.  Unwanted free time. What happened pray-tell?

A toe ruined my weekend. Well, not really ruined but changed a lot from what was planned. And it wasn't even my toe. Who knew one little toe could do that much damage?*

How did I spend my free time today? Planning a trip to New England. In three weeks.

Yup things are going well. Really really well. NHL invited us to her 20 week ultrasound. Her doctor and clinic were amazing and they arranged a Saturday appointment (!) when she told them we were flying across the country for this. I found a lovely bed and breakfast that's near the hospital in a quaint little town and not far from NHL. Not to get too far ahead of myself (ha! clearly too late for that) but the lovely innkeepers have also penciled us in for their cottage for several weeks later this year. There aren't a lot of lodging options near the hospital and I think it would be great to have a slightly bigger space if/when we end up returning.

There's so much on my mind. I thought I'd have more time to write about it but work has gotten surprisingly busy. My contract has been extended through the end of June (awaiting final signatures) which is perfect timing.

NHL is doing great. She is lovely, just so very lovely. We've been emailing a lot. She sent some baby photos of herself and more ultrasound pictures. She also sent the mister a birthday card and signed in NHL and baby. I sent her a couple of pregnancy books I still had for some reason. She was so thrilled to get a Saturday appointment because she starts a new job with normal bank-like hours and doesn't want to miss much work for appointments in the beginning. She thought she might have to find a new doctor but is hoping to work this all out. I happen to have a good friend near her who's wife is an amazing midwife is helping us with resources and options. A nice bonus for the mister and me is having friends close by (even though they are across state lines).

She's also talking to OC on a regular basis and doing reading and thinking and all that good stuff. We're not officially matched (that won't happen until she's at least week 28 or so) but we're spending a lot of time getting to know each other. We're not the first couple she's talked to but we are the only couple she's currently getting to know. She's asked us to answer a series of additional questions (from OC's checklist I think) and it's given us all a good way to get to know each other.

So we seem to be in a pretty good spot. We are enjoying getting to know NHL and can't wait to meet her in person. We're also trying to make sure we give her the space now (and in the future) to make the best decision for herself and her child. There's definitely an ambiguity in this that I'm trying to balance. I think I'll be doing more writing as I think through and live through this process.

So that's what's new with me. What's new with y'all?

Up Next: Key West...Two Very Cold Days with No Sunsets of Note But At Least Very Few Birds

*If you're a fellow Heel or follow ACC college basketball then you'll know who's toe I'm talking about. If you don't then you can just assume it's one of those crazy American sports things (something that Tertia assumes quite often with me).

PS The title of today's post is brought to you by the song that's currently stuck in my head. The always amazing Ben Folds, one of my very favorite performers (and homies), will be coming to the gorgeous new theater that's practically down the street from me. Tickets just went on sale today and I'm already jazzed for the show.

vacation - meant to be spent alone

In just a few minutes we'll be leaving the beach house in Florida. It's been a loooooooong week. The mister and I are headed south to the keys for some nice couple time (and to celebrate his birthday) and a chance to regroup from all the family time.

Did I mention it's been a long week?

I have survived and have not said anything too bad. Yet. There has been wine, much lovely wine, and long 2-3 hour trips to the gym that have both helped me maintain my sanity.

I think this post is likely to increase those "bitchy daughter-in-law" hits to my blog. Here are just a few observations I wish my in-laws had had before (or during the trip):

• If you like to plan many activities a day then renting a beach house may not be the best vacation option.

• Doing nothing is a perfectly valid thing to do at the beach and it will only irritate people if you propose 10 activities after people tell you they want to relax.

• Unless you are SURE of their answers do not ask your children to share childhood memories at the only nice dinner out you have all week. The middle child clearly needs many more years in therapy to recover from the fact that he had to briefly share a bedroom and wasn't allowed to play his loud musical instrument 24/7.

• When you're out at said nice dinner do not get loud and obnoxious at the end of the evening and start comparing the service to your beloved Fr@nce. The wait staff heard it all. While you might not be generous your bitchy daughter-in-law certainly is and she and your youngest, sweetest son had already taken care of the bill. If only you stopped being pompous enough to let them explain when they said it had been handled.

• Not everyone likes birds as much as you do. Do not ask your bitchy daughter-in-law who is trying to be nice to go and watch even more birds after she already spent an excruciatingly long day going around a 2.5 mile boardwalk. It really should not take 4 hours. She walked it three times and still saw more than you did.

• When your son and his wife want to go visit friends another island up they do NOT want to go to another bird place. Enough with the birds!

• Don't continuously talk about how you and your granddaughter are the competitive ones in the family and then get all pissy when you find out that your granddaughter cheats at board games and certain people think that shouldn't be allowed. Clearly your daughter-in-law still doesn't know her place because how could she ever say anything negative about someone who is "flesh and blood" like you love to point out.

• Don't continue the whole "flesh and blood" and "genes are so important" conversation with your youngest son who is excited to be adopting.

• If you are a super competitive person (like it turns out my mil is) don't challenge your family to a word game thinking you will beat them all. Don't choose a game that uses Scrabble principles and get upset when one person knows all their 2 letter words and q's without u's. You really don't have to know the meanings of words to play them and good Scrabble players don't know the definitions. Don't keep score and delight in telling everyone how much you're beating them. Until the last round when said daughter-in-law seemingly comes from behind to whup you. Do you really think it was happenstance that she beat you in the last round to shut you up? Do you really have to be such a poor loser at your age?

• Do be thankful that this trip happened because it will be a very long time until you get another chance like this.

I can last the next half hour, right?

Please come to Boston for the springtime

What excuse can I come up with for not posting recently? Hmm, I know I overuse the old standby of "work" but that's all I've got. Millie is one dull girl. All I do is work out, work, go home.

The working out part is going well. I'm in Week 6 of my intensive training program (although I was sick all week last week so I suppose technically it's Week 5 for me). I am truly working my ass off. I still don't like getting up at 5 am and I don't think I ever will but I am really enjoying the results of my hard work.

The working part is going pretty well too. It's amazing how I have taken my skills in copying, pasting and the occasionally saving to new levels. It's truly a career! I guess the true skill is know what to copy and paste but many days I think a trained chimp could do what I do. My current job site is a fun one, though. They treat contractors amazingly well and there are hundreds of us. It's looking like my contract will be extended through June and that is very sweet news to my bank accounts.

Let's be honest: none of you came here for these particular updates. You wannna know the important stuff, right? I'll finally cut to the chase.

We haven't ever heard back from the NPL in Portland. We sent her a lovely card wishing her well (and we truly do wish her all the best). We think she likely decided to parent and also think she'll make a great mom.

Shortly after we got back from our trip up north we got some new leads. One came as a phone call from the mom of a NPL. We've talked several times and the mister has talked to her as well. The NPL is in the process of moving back in with her mom. We are headed to their state on Monday for an overly long family vacation with the mister's entire family. I'm sure you can imagine my joy at the prospect of many long days (and nights) cooped up in a rather large house with all the mister's folks.

Don't even get me started on how the original plan was Hawaii (then Puerto Rico) but now we're going to The Sunshine State. In high season. Which will cost more than either of the other options. And - here's where you see how you can take the girl out of the South but not the South out of the girl - will be full of Yankees. There's a reason Southerners don't go to Florida in the winter. It's not all that warm, the water is too cold for sane people to swim and it's full of Yankees. You're all jealous, aren't you?

Back to our story. The plan was to meet up with NPL and her mom but I'm not sure that's going to happen. We've only talked to said mom and not the actual pregnant person yet. I don't know about any of you but I'm not sure when I was 21 that I'd want to just go along with my mom's plan for anything, much less let her find a family for my baby.

In this midst of all this fun planning we also received an email from another NPL. In fact I'll call her NHL because 1) there are too many NPLS; 2) it'll be easy for me to remember that because of her state and 3) it's hockey season.

There have been many emails back and forth between NHL and us. OC thought she might not be legit because she wrote an awful lot in her first email and sent a ton of pictures. She also used some British phrases and a yah00 email which is commonly associated with both Cameroon and Nigerian scams.

Turns out she likes to write a lot and uses some British phrases and spelling. And since I have several yah00 emails myself (and they've paid me a lot of money over the years) I'm not going to hold that against here.

There's a lot more to say and I'll be saying it. I PROMISE! I really really really mean it this time.

She's not very pregnant (not due until August) so we have lots of time to get to know each other and I have lots of time to blog about it. IF we match, that won't happen for several months. OC, the mister and I believe very strongly in not matching until the 3rd trimester. No exceptions. Period.  There is just too much concern about manipulation and coercion - even if it's just her getting to attached to us and not wanting to let us down.

We really, really like her. She really, really likes us. She also really, really likes OC and is doing lots of work with her. She's educating herself about adoption and asking herself and us great questions. OC really, really likes her as well. It's a total love fest!

For now we're planning a trip to see her in about 7 weeks. I'm much more excited about that trip than the one next week.

Trip Report

Man, this work thing sure does get in the way of blog posting. Gone are the great days at Yodeling Inc when I had so much free time on my hands. Also gone are the days when I had a whole cube (or office!) to myself. It's a lot harder to blog when there are 2 other sets of eyes in your cube.

We had a very nice trip to Portland. We got upgraded to first class (both ways!), upgraded to an SUV with a free navigation system (oh-so-nice when you're in an unfamiliar town) and upgraded to a king suite in a very cool hotel.

We got to spend time with some old friends of mine and ours and make some new friends, thanks to our consultant.

But methinks y'all don't care much about any of that.

We met TNPL for lunch on Saturday and it was a nice long lunch. We chatted for almost 3 hours. We showed her a photo album of our house, neighbors and loved ones. We gave her a copy of one of our favorite books (since we're all readers and since we looooove Powell's). We talked about all kinds of things but not much about adoption.

We tried to make plans for Sunday but she was exhausted so we said we'd touch base later. After we dropped TNPL off where she's currently crashing we checked in with OC (Our Consultant...can't remember what I called her before). She said we needed to be a bit pushier and make definite plans.

So I called and left a message early Saturday evening. She didn't call back. The mister called and left a message on Sunday morning. She did call back but said she had an event she wanted to go to on Sunday and couldn't meet with us.

I think this is fairly typical for TNPL. Over the past week or so there's been an approach/avoidance thing going on. I think our time together on Saturday made all of this all too real and she needed time, space, distance. I think she's in a great deal of denial. I don't think she's processing much of this. She's trying to do it all on her own but I'm not sure she's really motivate to do that work right now. She has no plans at all for after the baby comes (in approximately ONE WEEK PEOPLE) and I don't think that's a coincidence.

OC has offered lots of resources to TNPL but she's doing the whole approach/avoidance thing with that as well. I'd love to see her take advantage of some of the resources just because I think it would help her clarify what she wants. There are several birth-mom's in OC's service that have reached out and offered to be a sounding board. OC herself is a great resource for her and has alot of experience helping women find resources, ways to parent, etc. I think she's likely to just stay in denial until after the baby is born.

I do know that she really liked us and we really liked her. The mister thought I was being overly cautious when I told him Saturday afternoon that I didn't think we'd see her again. Right now he thinks there's about a 1:3 chance of us moving forward.

I think he's on some high quality drugs. I do think there is a very slight chance she'll call us again and want to move forward, maybe in the next week, maybe after birth, maybe in a couple of weeks. But I'm pegging it as about 1:100 or so.

And you know what? That's all fine. Really. The mister and I are totally ok with this. We like that we had this experience. It's good practice for when another situation comes along. We love that we reconnected with some people we care a lot about (and we both got to hold a two week old!). Our fertile friends in PDX were among the most sensitive fertiles we've ever met.

We also adore the couple OC hooked us up with in PDX. They are part of her circle of clients and reached out to us. They supported us and gave us a haven and a sounding board on Sunday morning. The took us into their home (with snow all around...so beautiful!) and made us yummy raspberry muffins and home made bacon. And just sat with us and "got us".

THIS is why we are with OC. THIS is where she excels. She will continue to work with this situation but advise and protect all of us. She made sure we and TNPL were taken care of and gave us guidance and support and a very safe and welcoming place in a city a few hundred miles away. 

As always there is more I want to think about and write about but I wanted to at least get this part out there. Thanks to each and every one of you, whether you're reading here or reached out after my cryptic Facebook status today. Your support helps tremendously.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm finishing up my first week at my new work gig. It's been totally fab. The people are great, they are smart and friendly and fun. The commute isn't so bad thanks to a bus that picks me up at the train station and drops me off in front of my building. There's a heavily subsidized cafeteria with all organic food. There is not a free coffee bar like my Yodeling gig but so far this one is much better.

The mister and I are headed up to Portland on a very late flight. The good news is we got upgraded. The other good news is that NPL called us after several days of radio silence and confirmed our plans. We were thisclose to canceling the trip but are very glad to be going.

We broke down and told our parents and that's many more posts in the making. My new mantra is "It's a process...it's a process...it's a process". They're still coming from a place of fear and I suppose that's to be expected. It's very frustrating when one of us calls home, shares our news and wants to talk about all the wonderful possibilities: how we're connecting in an important way, how we want the same kinds of things in an adoption, how we're processing all of this and their 'rent asks the usual questions that people coming from a place of fear ask: when will papers be signed, what's the baby's ethnicity, what's the medical history, were there drugs and/or alcohol.

Not too surprising that's the mister's mom. My own mom didn't ask a single question besides due date (and FREAKED at the answer) and tried to be as supportive as possible when I started talking about "longer transitional periods" and a short period of "co-parenting".

Now I know many of you are likely freaking out about a couple of those things as well and I do mean to fully get into our thoughts and wishes about all of that soon. Truly.

But tonight I'm leaving on a jet plane, headed north, just open to the possibilities and the opportunity to meet this lovely woman and focus on the present and not get too far ahead of myself.

And thanks to everyone who commented on my last post. As always, your support is amazing and oh-so-wonderful.

BTW my friend Amie is loving Cape Town (how could she not?), the good Dr. Champagne and will see the gorgeous and divine one very soon if not earlier today. Holding thumbs for a great transfer for Amie perhaps on Monday. Did any of you former Cape Town gals know they do 5 day transfers now? I had no idea!

Happy Belated New Year!

It's still 2009, right? I'm sure anyone who still reads this must wonder what hole I've been hiding under.

I've started a post in my head at least 100 times in the past few weeks but just never got very far. One of my goals for the year is really to blog more but this isn't the most auspicious start.

Soooooo, where did we leave off? Oh that's right. Before the holidays.

Well the holidays came and went. The mister and I went over the river and through the woods (on a place) to grandmother's house (where my parents live now) for a short visit. There were presents and merriment. The first present I got is still my favorite (it's a visit in exactly 19 weeks from the amazing Pamplemousse!) but there were others that were nice too. We made it back home in time to celebrate New Year's with friends, games and bacon ice cream.

Yes, you read that right. I made this candied bacon ice cream by the fabulous David Lebovitz because our NYE hostess with the mostess is a huge bacon fan. I know it might not sound great but trust me: it rocked the loft. The new year came in on a champagne and bacon induced high.

We made it a full two days until the first dog fight of the year. It was awful. It was also entirely the mister's fault so he feels a great deal of guilt. I know we're making progress but it's just so draining. My poor pups were both sore for days. The mister and I were sad and overwhelmed for days. Suddenly the year didn't look so bright.

I've never liked January much as it seems to be full of bad memories for me. I tore two ligaments in my knee on the first ski run of the season fifteen years ago. The first ectopic pregnancy was over the MLK holiday weekend five years ago. Our failed donor cycle was about the same time three years ago.

I've tried to work on my attitude in the last few weeks. I've been hammering out a contract work gig at a local Big Pharma. It took more time to finalize the details than I would have liked but I start next week and am pretty excited about the gig.

The same day I was told for sure that I'd get the gig, I signed up for an intensive training/workout program for the next 11 weeks. I suppose part of it is New Year's resolutions but most of it is I want to get in much better shape this year and might as well use the time before we get a baby to focus on me. Once I got the contract I knew I could pay for the training program at my gym so I signed on the dotted line.

Oh and that same night? I got a call on our 800 number from an actual pregnant woman, not someone trying to pay their cable bill.* She had called our adoption consultant earlier in the day and really liked our profile. We talked for a little over an hour and it was one of the best conversations ever. She's just very lovely and incredibly articulate about what she wants in an adoption and for her daughter. We skipped the small talk and dove deep into much more important matters like our journey to open adoption; what our ideal match situation looked like now and in 5 years, 10 years, etc; why we chose our consultant and how we defined an "ethical adoption".  She asked really tough questions that made for a great conversation.

I was so excited when I got off the phone I couldn't sit still! Thank goodness for facebook. Our consultant's assistant was online and we started chatting. She asked what we'd talked about and I told her. She asked what the baby's ethnicity was and I said I had no idea because we'd been talking about trust, openness and honesty and much more important things to me than ethnicity. She laughed and said that was what she loved about us and one of the reasons we'd make great parents.

To cap it all off this NPL is due FEBRUARY 2ND!!!!! And if you missed it, it's a GIRL!

I've been told time and time again that if I start moving forward with other things in my life that adoption would just fall into place. I still don't think I believe that. I do think I would love the problem  of having to cancel my contract job or losing money for my exercise program because there was a baby. What an awesome "problem"!

There have been several other calls since that first call. The mister had a lovely and long conversation with her the following night. We've sent some information to her. She sent us a long email profile that she wrote for herself with a homework assignment that took most of last weekend (just another example of how seriously she is taking the process). We've talked a couple of times this week.

And we're flying up to meet her next weekend! We would prefer to fly her down so she can see our house and such but she's due on FEBRUARY 2!!!!!! so that's not just not possible. We're very excited to meet her. Honestly we're just excited to be moving forward and not feeling stuck.

We've gotten several other calls this week but none of them were good matches for us. It's nice to see the website hits and even nicer to get calls.

The process with this NPL is going well, it just feels good. The other ones did as well but in somewhat different ways.

So I guess you're all caught up! Not much going on here. ;) New job starts Monday. Working my ass off 5 days a week, 2 hours a day continues. Trip up north to a city I love to visit to meet a woman I think I'll like even more in person (Portland, by the way).

And I want to send a special shoutout to my friend Amie. She's in CAPE TOWN by now for her donor cycle. I'm so freakin' jealous. She gets to be in my very favorite city. See my favorite doctor. AND meet up with the gorgeous and divine asshole herself. Lucky girl. The mister and I are holding thumbs and sending much love to you and your mister across the miles.

What's new with the rest of you?

*Our 800 number used to belong to one of the very big cable companies and it's still in automated messages they leave for customers. I have called many times trying to get it resolved but I think I'll just get a credit card machine and start paying off some of my own bills. ;)

Love is All That I Can Give to You

Today marks my 6th wedding anniversary. The traditional gift is iron, the modern variant is wood. I'm not sure the mister is likely to get something of either. I'm not feeling creative at all and trying to curb spending. I think instead I'll cook a nice meal. We haven't spent much time at home lately and staying home sounds oh-so-much better than going out.

He is still the love of my life. Our wedding day is still one of the best days of my life. Maybe we'll just crack a bottle of champagne and watch our dvd.

Last year we were just barely treading water. Same with the year before. There were also blog posts on our third anniversary and even our second one. I suppose I should be thankful I wasn't yet blogging about infertility on our first anniversary but we'd already been diagnosed and had no idea of how much pain and heartache the future had in store for us. Good grief that means I've been blogging about this crap for over four years. Talk about treading water!

Our anniversary is always bittersweet. We married because we were ready after 7 years of living together and loving each other to start our family. It's been a helluva long six years.

This year is hard. We know there will be a baby in our future but we just don't know where or when. The chance at a "second honeymoon" baby would have been a nice thing to hold on to now, instead it's just yet another disappointment.

But each year I am more happy with my mister and our marriage. I am so glad I grew up enough by the time I met him to be done with bad boys really appreciate him. I am a very very lucky girl in that respect.

Insert Clever Post Title Here

I'm finally home after a loooooooong trip. There was much fun, merriment and 10 cent martinis. How can that not be good?

I do have a lot I want to write about but am still processing some of it. My December resolution (why wait until New Year's Day?) is to post much more. I'm not working, not traveling and actually have things to write about so I shall be writing.

New Orleans was totally amazing in ways both good and heartbreaking. I definitely have a lot to say about our trip there.

DC was good but soooooo cold. I survived by shopping (new hat, scarf, gloves and tall black boots) and drinking (that's the family part of it).

We decided to tell our families about TNPL in an email since things seemed to go well. We knew there would be much trip planning while we were in DC and both the mister and I felt strongly about not stealing his brother and partner's thunder.

My MIL was so excited when she got the email that she couldn't nap. How cute is that? How much of a switch from the evil woman who confronted me nearly 4 years ago and spouted off about why we should do donor eggs (at least it would be the mister's baby) and how you never know what you'd get with adoption! There is hope for her after all.

I don't think there's much hope this particular situation will work out though. We haven't heard from TNPL since our canceled meeting. I left a message while we were in New Orleans and another once we got home. I still had some hope until after the second message.

I talked to our consultant today. She had also left 2 messages with no response. She said that probably 9 out of 10 expectant moms who consider adoption do this kind of dance where they consider adoption, read some profiles, maybe even meet with prospective adoptive parents, then disappear. It's often too hard and shameful to let the PAPS know that plans have changed. I hope that isn't the case with TNPL because we, of course, support and honor whatever she decides to do. And we truly wish her and her baby all the very best.

Yes it's disappointing, I'm not going to lie. But it's really as bad as you might think. I know another situation will work out. I just don't know when. Much like our first NPL this seemed almost too easy and too good to be true. But most importantly this really isn't about us. I think it's easier because we've given up all semblance of control: we have surrendered.

In six years of infertility we've never had any control. Oh sure we tried to find things we could control like diet, supplements, positive thinking. But that's all artificial. Truly none of us have any control. That's the hardest part to get past but once you do, it's very freeing.

It's also easier because it's hoops season, baby! My boys in blue are off to a fabulous start and provide a nice diversion. In fact there's a game tonight! Go Heels!

It Rode Us All the Way to New Orleans

I didn't want to leave town without an update. Unfortunately I don't have much of an update but do have a request.

TNPL had to cancel today's meeting due to a family medical emergency. I missed her call early this morning (bummer) but left her a message telling her we were thinking of her and her family and sending good wishes and thoughts. So if any of you have any spare good thoughts please put them out in the universe for her family.

We were hoping to have an official "match" today and that was our current requirement for parental (and family) notification. Now I'm not entirely sure we should tell everyone. I'm leaning towards telling them but don't want to have to constantly update and explain. It wouldn't be such a big issue except the mister's 'rents are planning a 50th Anniversary family trip - right over the due date of TNPL in January. I'd feel much more comfortable planning something in February instead but that means spilling the beans about TNPL. Oh and we're going to be spending Thanksgiving with most of the mister's family so it's not like we can go radio silence.

In other news, the mister and I leave early early EARLY tomorrow am for New Orleans. Woot woot! This is Sabbatical Phase 2. We'll be there for a full week! Our plans are to mostly eat and drink our way through the city. We have gotten some great recommendations from our friend Bebe but feel free to pile them on here.

Then we're headed to Washington DC for 10 days of family (his), friends (both of ours) and fun (for everyone!). I'm super stoked to meet my very favorite in-law's relatives. And because I'm not a very nice person I'm also stoked that my least favorite bil won't be able to make it.  I have offered to be my very fave in-law's sous chef and serve at his beck and call. Here's to no repeats of the infamous Sweet Potato episode (he would never be that passive aggressive or rude) of several years ago.

But for now the Big Easy is calling...hurricanes, po' boys, beignets and more. Yummmmmmm.

Hope and Change

I don't think that I can adequately describe my feelings of this past week. It has truly been an amazing time. I don't often get political here but you can probably guess my bent. If you can't then I'll just tell you: I'm very very liberal. VERY. Now here in Northern California I'm not among the most liberal (that is awfully hard to do) but I've been on the far side of the left in the 6 other states where I've lived.

The past 8 years have been a very dark time for me and for my country. Like many others I've been ashamed of our current administration and distraught about how we've handled ourselves in the world.

But last Tuesday was a momentous time for us. I spent all day working at poll sites (I'll get to that in a bit) and was glued to the tv witching the returns when the polls closed here. When the election was called for Obama you could hear the screams of excitement all through my neighborhood. People rushed into the streets and were just so damned happy. I cried tears of joy. I was so happy to feel proud of my fellow citizens and my country again.

And then I continued to watch the results and it became more than a bit bittersweet. Here in California we voted to give chickens and farm animals more room and to be treated more humanely. We also voted to take away rights of our fellow citizens. That is simply wrong and unfair. I can't believe people were so hateful.

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the election results. I'm pissed that I can't just be truly and simply happy like so many of the other parts of the country (although I think my friends in Arkansas have it even harder than Californians). I want to just celebrate and bask in this change but I'm truly sad to live in a state where we have taken rights away from people. It's the first incident of that in our country's history.

I'm also angry that the predominant church in my former state played such a pivotal role in this. I don't think that any money from out of state should be allowed to fund state propositions. And any church that engages in politics in this way should lose their tax-exempt status.

Back to the good part.

My children will never know a time when a person of color wasn't President of the United States. My god-daughter will grow up truly believing she can be anything (although I think she is far too smart to want to be President). Her mother has written an incredible post about the meaning of this election. Go read it if you haven't already. That is such a wonderful thing.

I can breathe easier. It's like this huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel good about the Supreme Court for the first time in 8 years. People here are smiling and happy and just being nice to each other. The sun even came out after a week of storms.

And the mister and I had our second date with This NPL yesterday. It was great. There was much talking, mall walking and eating. We talked a lot about politics in her home country as well as here. Actually we talked about all kinds of things. We're still not officially matched but we're all moving forward and enjoying our time together. We're trying to schedule a meeting with our adoption consultant on Wednesday. Her due date is a few short days before Mr. Obama will be sworn in as our 44th President.

I think next year is going to be one great year.

Super Quick Update

I'm running around today trying to get ready for a Halloween party the mister and I decided to host. I still have a ton of things to make/do but wanted to at least offer a brief update. Y'all are too kind to keep checking when I am one of the worst posters lately.

Dinner was great. This NPL (perhaps I'll call her TNPL for a bit) is super nice (much like the last one) and we really really like her. She really really likes us as well. I think she had memorized our profile. She knew every word of it (down to the color of our kitchen which we mention in our profile).

We also met her mom briefly which was great. They live a little more than an hour north of us in a town we drove through a lot when we were going to and from the river.

TNPL  is from a country we love and spent a few weeks in about 6 years ago. I think it's very interesting that both NPLs we've really talked to are from another country. I'm not sure it's very typical but it did give us a lot to talk about!

Dinner went great. There was a lot of talking. There were a few awkward pauses. I'm sure that's all to be expected. She wants to move forward with us. We're not sure how this will all work but we said we'd love to do that and get to know her over the next bit. She's due in January!

So that's where we are. Right now we're hoping for more dinners or lunches or video game marathons or whatever TNPL would like to do to get to know each other.

It Got Better

I haven't written much about our monthly adoption meetings lately. We didn't go for a couple of months for obvious reasons (at least obvious to us). We didn't want to have our first check-in back with NPL in attendance. We wanted to give her the space and the support of the group when she needed it the most. We never want her to hear what we had to say about our experiences with Mrs. Vulture-Hag and her over-the-top aggressive lawyer. So we skipped June. And then we skipped July when they were all there with the new baby. There wasn't an August meeting, thanks to Labor Day but there were two in September and we went to both. And we made it to October's meeting last weekend.

And it's been really good.

We missed seeing the other people in the group. It was so awesome to see some recent successes. One of our very favorite couples was there with their brand new daughter last weekend.

We also got to hear some stories both shocked us and helped prepare us for the future. Our consultant talked about a couple of recent experiences with social workers who are too new and too green and just don't "get it". One of them in particular had a young woman in tears. Ms Consultant is a kick-ass advocate for the expectant moms she works with and for prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) in the midst of difficult situations. We remembered why we chose her.

I know many of you have questioned having both expectant moms and PAPs at these meetings. I honestly feel this is a really good thing. The last meeting was an example of how nice this can be for all. I think that very few expectant moms have the chance to have a strong network of other expectant moms/birthmoms. I know how much support I get from my friends who have been down this path. It's tremendously important to me and I am so very grateful to have that.

At the last meeting there was one expectant mom (due in a week or so) and 4 birthmoms with kids ranging from 5 years to 2 months. The very pregnant girl is very scared about a lot of things and who can blame her? And she had a chance to talk for a long time 1:1 with some very supportive women who have truly been there. She's in counseling (another great thing about the service) but having some sisters of the heart is incredibly powerful.

The last meeting was also a bit surreal because there was a camera crew from that music television channel. They're doing an in-depth program on teen pregnancy that will air next spring. The camera crew was fairly unobtrusive. Maybe we'll all be video stars next year.

I started this post planning only to write about how nice the last few meetings have been for us and how much better we're feeling about things. There's even more to feel better about today. We got a call yesterday from a nice pregnant lady. She's talked to our consultant a couple of times and was sent our profile. She really liked it. She's very interested in meeting us as soon as possible. So we're having dinner with her tonight! Now I'm off to bake some treats for our party tomorrow night and that will give me something to take to this nice pregnant lady.

The Name On Everybody's Lips

Each of my dogs has a theme song. My older dog's song is from the amazing L@ura L0ve. It's called Woe is Me and the mister and I have often sung it to her when her life seemed hard (at least when she thought her life was hard...say we were only willing to play an hour or two of frisbee). She knows it's her song and she even likes to sing along. We even included it on our wedding cd.

Our younger dog's name came with a song. Since she was named after a character in a musical it was a done deal. And no, she doesn't wear a lavaliere that goes all the way down to her chest.

Lately our Older Dog has way too much woe in her life. And our Younger Dog has as well.

A brief recap for those of you lucky enough to miss the drama the first time around: Younger Dog nearly died due to poisoned dog food when she was 10/11 months old. In fact, she's one of the only survivors. It caused severe liver failure, re-hardwired her brain and made her much more susceptible to stress. She would attack Older Dog without provocation. She's never attacked any other dog or person. She's normally a super sweet dog. She's a 48 pound lap puppy. She lets the kitten attack her. She loves to curl up right next to you. She's just super sensitive.

When the inter-dog aggression began we sought help right away. We had a trainer for about 2 years. We kept our dogs separated in our very small house except when we were training them or on walks that entire time. The mister and I became experts at moving the dogs through the house, closing one door and opening another. It was a long haul but it seemed to help.

The dogs have been getting along really well for the past few years. We know how to structure the environment and we do that. They're together most of the time and all was pretty ok. Until the river.

It was just too much change for Younger Dog. She really doesn't handle change well. Older Dog has always been really adaptable and she's lived in a variety of houses and traveled more than some people I know. Younger Dog has only lived in this house. The river totally stressed her out. There were 2 fights that sent us to the emergency vet. Both dogs have scars on their cheeks. We were hoping it would get better when we got back home and back to our normal routine.

While we were on our trip to the great state of North Carolina we got a call from our pet-sitter. There had been another fight. It took both the pet-sitter and her boyfriend to break it up. The dogs were ok but everyone was shaken.

Since we've been home we've worked hard to address the situation. Younger dog spends much of her time in a wire crate in our living room (so we're all together). We're keeping them separate when we're not home. I thought we should consider anti-anxiety/anti-depressants so I consulted our vet. Thanks to our vet we know have an appointment next week at the vet school a couple of hours away. They have some amazing behaviorists and we have to fill out a 14 page intake form, submit all medical records (her file is several inches thick thanks to the dog food poisoning) and it will be a 3 hour evaluation with both dogs.

This morning was another fight, thankfully brief. Usually we know what sets them off but there was nothing at all today that we could pinpoint.

Our Older Dog is getting much older (she's 12 now). She's going deaf and startles more easily. Unfortunately that's one of the things that triggers Younger Dog.

We're really pulling out all the stops and trying everything but this is breaking our hearts. We might have to find another home for Younger Dog and that is just too hard to even type.

Last week we went to our monthly drop-in adoption support group. It's a group for waiting couples and is run by one or two adoptive moms, depending. It's a small group and often has some of the same folks so it's very nice. Our dogs were weighing heavily on our minds and everyone in the group was a dog lover so we talked about it a bit.

The leader told us about having to find another home for one of her dogs. About how it broke her heart. About how one of her kid's birthfamilies took the dog in and it was a great situation but it hurt so much to see pics of the dog doing well and to have visits and have to leave all over again. About the pain of knowing it was the right decision but there was so much grief and it took a long time to get through.

And how it gave her a kind of insight and awareness and opened up a new level of empathy for what it was like for her kids' birthfamilies.* And how if we end up having to find another home for our dog it would do the same for us.

While I"m holding onto some hope there will be some thing that works for us and we don't have to split our family up, I'm also wondering a bit if this is another part of our journey. I really really really hope it isn't, but thinking about it this way makes it somewhat easier to at least consider.

*Please understand that we all know this is only a teeny tiny bit of what any birthfamily must go through when grappling with their decisions. I'm not saying it's the remotely the same to place a dog into a new home as a child but for the support leader (and for us) there are similar stages and feelings that will make us more empathetic in the future.

Back to Real Life

We're finally back in Oaktown for the near future at least. I've got a lot to say but am going to try to do it in small pieces instead of all at once. I swear!

I've been doing a lot of processing about where we are in the process and I think some of that will make it's way here. I also just returned from a long trip home and my 25th high school reunion. The mister and I were lucky enough to share some vittles with the Accidental Housewife and Southern Suds and Lather. There was one extra adult to the the three toddlers so it all worked out pretty well.

My reunion was fun but somewhat sparsely attended. It did mean I got to spend loads of time with the folks who were there and that was a treat. The last reunion was pretty hard for me.  It was only a couple of months after my  High FSH diagnosis and I was really raw. Nothing like being surrounded by small kids and getting asked about babies nonstop to make a gal feel hopeless. There was, however, a bright spot back then: one of my good friend's wives shared her IVF story with me and they have both been a great support during our long haul.

This reunion was much, much easier. I think it helps that we're so far along this adoption process.The money and time spent on therapy and grieving our various losses were good as well. But what helped the most was finding a couple of kindred spirits amongst my classmates. One was there with the daughter she brought home from China just a few months ago. Another was there with her brand new, gorgeous daughter who came to her though an open adoption. It made me very sad to realize we were in the same spot five years ago and neither of us knew it. That awful isolating part of infertility.

But both the mister and I were so very thrilled and happy to see The Professor with her girl. It was nice to have someone there who truly got it and even nicer to see what we hope is a tiny glimpse into our future. She's a longtime blog reader and read all the classics. Now I'm hoping she'll follow along here.

In other news our adoption site is finally truly live! I think I've sent the link to almost everyone who's asked but if I missed you please let me know. The site is linked to several other parenty profiley sites and we're counting the hits. There's one big site that is off limits to us because we live in CA but that's ok with us because they discriminate and we don't like that.

We've gotten our first African scams as well as one phone call from an emotional scammer. Not to worry, we've been well prepared for both of these situations and that's yet another thing I'll write about shortly.

We did get a hit from Wasilla AK and I have the screenshots to prove it. The mister thinks it's Todd trying to make things better for his daughter. My money is on a certain redneck named Levi dreaming of a way out for himself. Seriously how many other people in Wasilla would be looking for adoptive parents right now?

Getting Back in the Groove

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! Makes this old dog feel a lot better.

We're off to our real house for a night to attend an adoption support group meeting, the mister's mysterious ship party (something geeks do after working on a big project for years when their game is finally out and flying off the shelves), and get some quality time with our kitten.

Life on the river is flowing right along. We've had a more relaxing time. We found a fabulous yoga class that meets in a local community center. It feels so good to be this good to my body. I've really missed yoga but just haven't had the energy to be able to do those kind of things.

We've also spent a tremendous amount of time working on our adoption website. We've been working with an amazing woman who does great work. It's a good thing we've had this much time to concentrate on it because even with her doing all the heavy lifting it's taken huge chunks of our time. It's about 90% done today and should get finished tonight or tomorrow night. Then we'll add the statcounter, link to a few carefully-selected-by-our-consultant adoption sites, and wait for the phone to ring. We recently found out that our 800 number is a little too close to one of those cable companies. Perhaps we should just offer to start taking those credit card payments people are offering up?

I'm happy to share our site with anyone who'd like to see it. We're pleased as trash can punch as how it's looking but I'd love to get feedback on it. Just shoot me an email or leave yours in the comments. I'll likely be posting the link in my Facebook status as well for those of you that are on Facebook. And if you're on Facebook but we aren't friends, why the hell not? I need more people to send plants and save the rainforest.

I'm Rocking the River

I wanted my first post from my sabbatical lair to be about how life on the river was free and easy, that sabbatical was doing just what it was supposed to do and the mister and I were getting more and more relaxed each and every day.

We've been here for a little over a week. I can finally write at least some of that. Sabbatical has been far from stress-free so far but we still have high hopes. Or lowered expectations. Either works, right?

It started off amazingly well with a visit to the Emerald City. We got to spend quality time with Bebe, her big man and used-to-be-a-baby-but-is-now-definitely-a-toddler. It was so very good for our souls. I can just hear Eyelashes saying "Hi" over and over in his adorable voice and playing with the bubbles on my iphone. Then we were treated to an amazing dinner by the amazing Ms Scrambled Eggs and her mister. Yes she is as good a cook as you might imagine and yes you should all be very very VERY jealous. They are the perfect hosts and had to kick us out for fear we'd never leave. Then we had some good quality time with our friends, Initial Girl and Sandal Boy. It involved bridge, vintage wine, pedicures and much male bonding time over various video games. Perfect so far, right?

We did make it to the river ok and have been working on getting settled in. We now know the fastest route to the closest 24 hour emergency vet thanks to a butt crack of dawn fight between our two dogs. One has three staples in her cheek (just for another 5-7 days). The other has a long laceration on hers. Both make me cry just thinking about it. Sometimes I think we've come a long way, then we let our guard down and don't recognize signs of stress or structure situations enough and we all learn painful lessons. They're both over it already but the mister and I are still very sad that this kind of thing still happens.

Yesterday I think we all turned a corner. The mister and I had one of those perfect days. We slept in. Had a lazy breakfast. Biked to a famous Champagne winery just down the road on my spiffy new bike. Toured. Tasted. Picnicked. Biked back (in a pretty straight line). Made an amazing root vegetable braise from Local Flavors, our current favorite cookbook. Drank more wine. Watched Weeds. Does it get better than that?

Why, yes it does! Today has been even better. It's my birthday* which has recently been a time for sadness and reflection about what I don't have. Not today.

The mister cooked an amazing breakfast of chorizo scrambled eggs, croissants, coffee and mango mimosas. I'm looking at a rainbow of assorted roses. There was an appliance (R0kU) to aid and abet my on-demand tv/movie watching. Greetings from friends and family far and wide. A wii fit age that is actually lower than my chronological age. Time spent reading. Time spent watching the river flow by. No dog fights. And surprise plans that begin in about an hour.

Life is good. Really good. I'm really really happy and have so much to be grateful for this year.  When I blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I'll wish for the one thing we still seem to be missing but for today I'll be grateful for all that I have. I am truly lucky.

Today's blog title is brought to you in honor of another birthday boy. He is exactly one year younger than me, btw. Check out his new single, the amazing duet called You Don't Know Me which is almost as catchy as that painfully addictive Little Boxes from Weeds.

Playing a little catchup

Well this Monday was easy-peasy as far as Mondays go. Or at least as far as they go lately.

Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? Bad millie. BAD MILLIE.

I suppose a lot has happened (and nothing much) in the last two weeks. We had a couple of frustrating calls with our consultant. We had a really nice meeting with her assistant. I think that was last Monday but my brain is a big foggy.

Thank for all the great comments and even greater support. I feel like a broken record but it really does mean a great deal.

We're still not thrilled with our consultant. We're pretty sure she's not thrilled with us. But we have found a way for it to work, for at least the foreseeable future. Her assistant is a total love and gets us. And gets why we're so upset about all of this. She gave us some very concrete ways of dealing with all of this and offered to run interference as much as she can. We met with her for a couple of hours in the middle of the day last week (um, can you say "work from home'?) and it was just such a relief. We've missed seeing her and she's missed us. It's awfully nice to be missed.

She hooked us up with the most amazing adoption site web designer and we're going gangbusters on our web site. We'd hoped to get it done for free by a friend but that's been dragging on for a bit. I think it will be done in another 2 weeks. We already have the domain and the 800 number so this is the last piece. We also got very specific feedback about which sites to link to and which to avoid/not bother with. This will be great because we do have some folks in other states looking out for us and it will be so awesome to just send them to the site.

Last week we went to a drop-in monthly support group for waiting families that our local infertility/adoption group is sponsoring. It was actually GREAT. I think both the mister and I were a bit surprised at how much we both got out of it because lately our attitude has been more along the lines of "why do I want to meet a bunch of other people that are gonna get their kids before us".  It helped tremendously that the lovely luna and her fine man were there. There was another couple who'd been waiting about the same time as us (also domestic), one lone couple doing international (and I felt so bad for them that no one else could commiserate and they're in the whole "our country closed" horrible space) and one couple that had just had a rough patch. Both of the facilitators were adoptive moms and one was a therapist. It really was a great group. We're looking forward to meeting again or getting another more structured group going.

One thing that was so clear from the other group members was the general lack of support most people feel. The blogosphere has been such an amazing source of comfort, support and friendship to me that I want EVERYONE to have something like that and that just doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe luna and I will convince everyone to hang out a shingle.

So all the adoption stuff just feels better.

Oh there was an icky part to this Monday. I guess I blanked it out. I had 11 vials of blood drawn. 11. And not a Spinal Tap sort of 11. I had my regular thyroid stuff, annual physical stuff and, just for kicks, infections disease bloodwork as well. It's nearly my birthday and that's how I like to celebrate. For those of you playing along at home, this is the SIXTH straight set of infectious disease blood-work I've had done. Six years of blood-work and no baby yet. I wonder if my lab will through in the 7th for being such a frequent flayer.

The lab was pretty slow today and there were too many idiots like me who decided to take care of everything on a Monday morning. Did I mention it was fasting blood-work? I nearly fainted. Good times.

Then the mister and I went and test drove a couple of cars. We weren't going to buy a car until January but I found out over the weekend there is a certain Zoom Zoom car company that makes a hybrid only available HERE. With a full tax credit. And heated leather seats.

So we tried the zoomy car and we also drove the Sub@ru F0r3ster that we thought we were likely to buy. They are very very similar and we're trying to decide. If you internets have any opinions, bring 'em on. Our goal is to fit one baby, two dogs and a stroller in something. As my love friend from Arkansas pointed out, we might end up with twins. In which case we won't leave the house for several years and the dogs will never get walked again.

Best news of all: THREE DAYS OF WORK LEFT!!!!!! I'm soooooo very excited. And sooooo very done. We're heading north to the lovely SeaTac airport (and surrounding environs) to visit many friends (hoping to see Ms Emily/Scrambled Eggs and perhaps Ms Michele during that time but I've been too busy to email them so perhaps they'll read this). Then we'll be living on the lovely Russian River in NorCal for a month of resting, reading, hot tubbing, dog walking, drinking, biking, yogaing, and napping.

What is it with Mondays?

It seems like it's the same song second verse. This time I'm far less happy about the situation.

The mister and I left town on Friday to go camping (for the first time in 2 years). There was an email from our consultant announcing a situation, for anyone who was interested. We called the consultant within minutes of the email but no answer. Oh and she doesn't have a cell phone so don't even think about that. We called her assistant. We sent emails to both but did not hear back while we were in cell range. We left messages everywhere telling them we were very interested and please submit our profile. We'd be back Monday night but could come back earlier if necessary.

We drove to another site specifically to check emails and voicemails. Nothing.

Finally we heard back on Sunday and called back right away. We learned a bit more about the situation and that only one other family in the service was interested. We said we'd be back Monday night and were told that should be fine.

We ended up coming back a day earlier for a number of reasons but a big one was to meet this nice nearly due lady.

This morning we left messages and sent emails. No word for six hours. Then the word came and it did not make either of us happy.

The nice nearly due lady really liked the other couple and doesn't want to meet with anyone else. Apparently our consultant didn't tell her there were two couples interested. She didn't schedule anything (although she told me she had).

I totally get that she likes them and have no problem with that at all. But I'm really frustrated with our consultant. It seems like every situation is "unusual" and "just can't be predicted".  The mister called her back about something else and she said "well, you should have taken copies of your profile with you and you could have mailed one on Saturday". He asked why she didn't mail one and she said she was out of them.

OUT OF THEM???? This is the first we've heard that she's even showed our profile to anyone or sent any profiles anywhere much less that she'd given all the ones we gave her away. She gives sample profiles to couples she meet with and I'm wondering if that's what's happened to ours. She told us before that she wouldn't present us without asking first and she's never asked. Now she can't even give us a straight answer about those profiles.

Lately every interaction with her has been frustrating at best. We ask what we could do differently and she doesn't have any answer. We ask ourselves what we'd like to be different with these interactions and we don't have good answers for that either. But definitely more information and at least return calls timely and not just jerk us around. And perhaps keep track of at least whether or not she has our stupid profile.

Do we just never go out of town again? Do we just forget about the thousands of dollars we've paid her and chalk it up as knowledge gained? And if this is one of the most ethical people in adoption, heaven help us all.

Today Put the Manic in Monday

I had plans for today. Plans that involved getting lots of work done and getting back on schedule. It all started off fairly normally: the mister left to take his 'rents to the airport and I left at the same time to go to the pharmacy (I've been off my synthroid for 3 days trying to pick up my refill with the in-laws in town -not good).

I was standing in line at said pharmacy, minding my own business when my cell phone rang. I followed orders (FINISH ALL CELL PHONE CALLS BEFORE STEPPING UP TO THE WINDOW!) and stepped away to take the call.

It was an adoption chick I'd played phone tag with last week. Our social worker had recommended her and I thought I'd see if it might be a good fit for networking, etc.

She asked if I'd be interested in a last minute situation. The nice lady was in labor. She offered to send some info on the nice lady and asked for an electronic copy of our profile. Holy Shit, Batman! That definitely put the Manic into my Monday.

There were a lot of emails back and forth. A medical issue that raised a lot of concerns until I remembered I had a very good friend who could lay out the possibilities for me. A message a baby boy was born. A picture of his mom a bit later. Then the waiting.

I nearly went out of my mind. Beagle chatted me off the ledge and gave me some very helpful tips for preparing for this kind of situation. I then decided to while away the day by shopping and getting the few things we didn't have (diaper bag? check. baby laundry detergent? check. additional cute tiny clothes? check  and check.)

I found myself getting all caught up in the drama of the day. It went from us not sure about whether or not we wanted to be presented to thinking about what would it take if we needed to leave town today. So many emotions! So much nervous energy. My friend pocket gave me the perfect yiddish word to describe it but I was so nervous I couldn't even remember the word! She also suggested I pass the time by organizing the clothes in my closet alphabetically by color (she knew my spices were likely all in a row).

Now I must digress: I don't think I could every organize my clothes that way. I have a number of variables that are taken into account: business vs business casual vs casual, light weight vs heavy (which around here means summer), short sleeves vs long sleeves. Then of course color within each category.

Ok back to the day. I shopped and prepped. I waited impatiently. I thought about the possibilities, always keeping in mind it would never be more than a 50/50 proposition even if we were picked.

I heard back from the adoption chick that while the nice lady liked us a lot we weren't right for her baby. I totally get that but wanted to say "but you haven't even met us". It was  a knee jerk reaction to not getting picked. Of course I totally support her decision. I don't think she'd found what she was looking for in a family today but I hope she gets her whole list.

Mostly I thought "how awful and likely stressful to be thinking about this just a few hours after giving birth." I hope she's getting lots of support in all the ways she might need it. I hope she finds peace and what she's looking for regarding her son. I know the people she's working with have encouraged her to parent and will support her in that if she decides to try that.

And now we're a bit more prepared for a last minute situation. It's still not what either of us would prefer but we'd still take it. This situation had more of the stuff on our Perfect Situation Characteristics but definitely not all of them. The medical thing had us question the entire situation (we're willing to tolerate a lot of risk but there was the possibility of a very rare, lethal genetic disorder) thanks to scary Dr Google.  We did learn we'd need more time to process  and ponder any kind of last minute situation.

But tonight there are freshly laundered baby clothes next to me and the mister is thumbing through a new baby name book. We're hopeful and planning and know that it will work out one day. Today was a fire drill. We're just fine. We're happy tonight thinking about the possibilities of the next call. Or the next.

Please don't feel bad for us when you read this. We're not feeling that at all. Truly. But do send your good thoughts and wishes to the nice lady and her son. And let's all hope I can get some work done tomorrow to pay for all the preparations of today.

Requisite post-BlogHer Blather

Ok. I started this post days ago but just haven't gotten around to finish this. Much like everything else this week. But my in-laws are in town for a (thankfully) short visit and this gives me an excuse to be antisocial.

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Truth be told, I should be working right now. Once again, I've found so many things that needed to be done instead of actual work today. I've had two "working from home" days in a row and need to get back to that kick ass no air quotes working from home. KWIM?

Perhaps if I write a bit about all the bloggy goodness I had this weekend it will help? Or it will at least take away my very last excuse.

I was all set to go to the Newbie Mixer at BlogHer Thursday night. But my Thursday just didn't go the way I wanted it to and I was exhausted so I skipped it.

I did make it to a very fun and special dinner on Friday night where I got to meet some of my favorite bloggers including Mel of Lost and Found and Stirrup Queens, Lori of Weebles Wobblog and Drama 2B Mama, Pamela Jeane of Coming 2 Terms,  Luna of life from here and Michell of I Want to Be a Mommy. We had great food and even greater conversation. We really could have talked all night. They've all written far more eloquently about that night than I could so I'll just say "yeah, what they said".

The next day was my only day actually attending BlogHer and I think that was just the way this newbie preferred it. It was quite overwhelming! I think there were more than 1100 people there. So many women every where you turned!

Luckily I ran into Mel in the coffee bar room before her panel which gave us a chance to talk about baking (I did see a few of my fave food bloggers but didn't get to meet any of them) and then hung out with some others. Then I attended the the fantabulous panel called When the Road To Motherhood Is Anything But Smooth: Infertility, Adoption and Miscarriage Bloggers that Mel moderated and Lori, Pamela Jeane and Monica participated in. It was meant to be a dialoague between mommy bloggers and, well, us and I guess they all had something better to do.

There was a small but very interested and interesting audience. The amazing Cecily was there as was Dramalish and I finally got to talk to Amber (she was at the Barren Bitch Brigade years ago but at a different table and our paths haven't crossed since). I thought the panel went great but wish more folks had attended.

The last keynote and conference closing session was well attended and too full of drama for my taste. It highlighted yet another case of women not being able to support other women, with jealousy and envy rearing their ugly heads. It started me thinking with how BlogHer contrasted with the other women's conference I attended a few months ago. I'm percolating on a post about that but with my current rate of posting it will likely be done before next year's BlogHer.

Not a lot else going on. We got the consents from Garden State and will get them notarized and back within the week. I've put feelers out to a couple of adoption "referral services" but not sure how those work so if anyone has feedback I'd be happy to hear it.

Mostly I'm just hoping I survive until tomorrow morning when the in-laws leave. It's only another 24 hours. It's only another 24 hours. It's only another 24 hours.

Sliding Doors

My last post was about getting a phone call that might change a lot of things.

Yesterday I got a call from the mister and got me thinking about Sliding Doors and how the smallest things can make a huge difference in the turns out life takes. Has anyone else seen the movie or is it just me? Truth be told, I love me some John Hannah. The first thing I saw him in was Four Weddings and a Funeral. It premiered at Sundance and I was lucky enough to go. He made me cry.

I've seen him in loads of things from McCallum (loved that) to Rebus (brilliant!) with some other fun guest spots and such. But one of my favorite movies of his is Sliding Doors. I don't care much for his co-star in it but I can just focus on him and his yummy Scottish self.

So the call from the mister was that NPL had given birth on Wednesday to a huge baby boy. She was a couple of weeks late. She did it naturally which must have made her mom very happy even though it was in a safe US hospital. NPL had an easy birth and the baby is healthy and that is all very good indeed.

But it's incredibly surreal to be sitting at work in the middle of a busy day and think how if things had gone just a little bit different it would be a life changing day to be remembered forever. I had to go about my day and do the normal work things but just kept thinking about how it was the day I didn't become a mom.

Weird, huh?

It wasn't that I wanted that baby. Or that when I heard about it I thought "that should be my baby."  It really wasn't that at all. Just more wondering when am I going to get the baby that's meant to be mine. How is it going to come to me? So I was feeling pretty bittersweet, more than a little melancholy and oh-so-ready to be there.

And I did get a lot sad thinking how cool it would be to have a baby born on the same day as DD. That would have rocked. We could have married them off before they could crawl.

If I believed in fate or it will work out how it's meant to or any of those other stupid platitudes, I'd think to myself, "Self, how interesting that you got the call from Garden State the very same day that NPL gave birth. That must MEAN something."

But I don't believe any of those things. I do know that I will be a mom, some day, some way, some how. Just wish I could fast forward a bit. I missed the train so I'm still stuck with the lying cheating boyfriend. But John Hannah is out there and he will be MINE.

(In better news I finally scored a wii fit today.)

(In even better news I'm hoping to have dinner with Mel, Lori and those other amazing bloggers we all love and am heading to BlogHer tomorrow).

One Ringy dingy

So the mister and I printed out monthly calendars for the rest of the year. We're trying to plan our sabbatical. I mean his sabbatical, technically. Since I'm self-employed that means I can just take the 13 weeks off.

Yup, you read that right: 13 weeks!

Our original plan of Argentina for 2 months plus a few weeks in Hawaii and a couple back east has been scrapped. We're now thinking we'll do several week trips a bit closer to home. Perhaps a month at a cute little place on the Russian River. Followed by my 25th high school reunion at my geek boarding school. Then a few weeks in Tahoe or Mendocino followed up with the mister presenting at a conference here in NorCal. Then New Orleans for a week? Mexico for a couple of weeks? Soooo many options.

Why the change in plans? Well, we don't want to miss any chance on baybees. Mostly we want to use the time to live differently and we don't have to fly to the southern hemisphere to do that. We don't want to miss any potential calls.

Speaking of which...

I got a lovely call from Garden State today. Remember that embryo donation list I put myself on something like three years ago? Well, they finally had some batches we thought were good fits. And the coordinator promised to pass a letter on to the genetic parents (I really can't do totally anonymous so this gives me some hope). It turns out we got our first choice!

Three years on a wait list should do that, right?

So now we're waiting for consents and will be talking to the new-to-me nurse that runs all ED cycles. With a little luck (which we all know I don't have at all), we'll be able to squeeze a cycle in before we'd have to redo infectious disease testing. I don't even want to tell you how many times we've completed the testing. Ok.

SIX. YEARS. INAROW. Well, it will be six if we have to do it again. So it looks like there will be some good fall time spent in the City of Goddaughterly Love with my very favorite goddaughter (hey, she may be my only one but the lovely Zizi would still be my fave) and driving to and from Garden State. I'd better get to see that baby Beagle while I'm there as well.

We're still pursuing adoption as well. We are super greedy and want a couple of kids as quickly as possible. However they come to us.

Oh and many many congrats to the lovely DD on the birth of her daughter! Happy Days!

Lucky Number Seven

I love numbers. I have written about that before. Y'all know I tend to like certain even numbers, especially multiples of 4. I'm weird that way, I know. I tend to like symmetrical things, including numbers.

And I like certain dates. So I was thinking that 07/07/08 (thanks to DD for catching me lost back last year) would be a good one. It's got to be auspicious right?

I spent my day battling stoopid people in stoopid airports, thinking I wouldn't be able to make it home in time. I was still trying to have a good time with the mister and turning lemons into lemonade. Or at least bloody marys.

But other people were having amazing days. A certain famous someone gave birth to a misnamed child. I try to give Nic as many breaks as I can because I think she has had a rough time of it. Another actor had a son. Yawn.

Then I heard the best news of all: my friend The Designer gave birth to her daughter. After many long and very hard years. After a dangerous cervical pregnancy a couple of years back that could have cost her life. After much heartbreak and sadness there is joy and happiness.

So today the mister and I celebrate a beautiful baby girl and are very thankful the Designer gave her a proper name which follows all of my own personal naming rules.

PS And to pocket (and anyone else who doesn't know about hushpuppies): hushpuppies are little fried pieces of goodness. They're made from cornmeal and with a little finely chopped onion and should be crispy on the outside and light on the inside. They're typically served with barbecue or seafood (fried seafood like Calabash style shrimp or catfish, of course). Check the wiki link for a picture of some gorgeous ones. I had some of the best hushpuppies of my life this weekend. Too bad it was with some of the worst NC barbecue ever. Sadness.

One step for right, one step for wrong, step away

I seem to be getting more and more behind. I really do have all these posts swirling around in my head and plan to get them down but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Last weekend was our adoption consultant's monthly group meeting. I can't believe it's been a whole month since that last debacle. Any bets on whether or not we attended?

We were scheduled to go to a 25th anniversary show for one of my fave bands ever, the delicious Camper van Beethovan (this post's title is from one of my favorite songs of theirs). We didn't, for lots of reasons, but that was our excuse for not making the meeting.

Actually we didn't make excuses. I talked to our consultant late last week when she was asking us to drive out and pick up the young couple I wrote about last week. She thought it would be great for them to attend the meeting, you know because the NPL would be there and it would be great for them to talk to the NPL and some other expectant parents and birthparents and such.*

Honestly I do not know what she was thinking. Now in her defense she did ask the NPL if it would be hard seeing us. The NPL was looking forward to it and just worried it would be hard on us. We were worried it would be hard on her.

And since part of the group is about doing check-ins, we knew we couldn't go. We have no desire to ever deal with Mrs Vulture-Hag again (thanks to Anna H for clarifying her name) and our check-in is not something the NPL should have to hear. The next group we attend (and we are contractually obligated to attend 9 in the first year), my check-in likely will be all about how awful it felt to see overt manipulation and coercion and how important it is for us to be as ethical as possible and how we are very happy with taking the high road and will always be able to tell our children those important truths.

Again, not something the NPL needs to hear, don't cha think? So I wrote this very long email to the consultant explaining why we wouldn't be attending:

I wanted to let y'all know we won't be able to make it this weekend. There are a number of reasons and we were planning on bowing out this month but knowing that NPL (and presumably The Vultures will be there) sealed the deal.

I think it would be very uncomfortable for NPL and I am concerned that no one else seems to be considering this. I don't think anything should be done to bring any discomfort to her and I can't imagine seeing us close to her due date would be anything but uncomfortable. We have no problem seeing NPL but worry that it is might be too hard/unfair to her. We truly want to support her but feel the best way to do that would be not to attend.

It was our understanding that The Vultures were not members of the service but that seems to have changed. Please understand that what I am about to say has nothing to do with the fact that The Mister and I were not chosen. This is not sour grapes at all. I don't know if you will believe that but we have thought a great deal about this and truly that is not where this is coming from.

Due to Mrs Vulture-Hag's incredibly bad (and frankly manipulative and coercive) behavior at the last meeting, we do not want to attend any group they attend. We made this decision before we knew they were chosen by NPL. I thought I made myself clear when I spoke to you the day after the last meeting but apparently I as not as clear as I would have liked.

We have no problems with Mr. Vulture. We had no problems with Mrs. Vulture-Hag until we were subjected to her inappropriate behavior at the last group meeting. We choose not to associate with people we consider unethical and manipulative whenever we can and so we are choosing not to interact with her again. Again, no issues with Mr. Vulture or seeing him, only Mrs. Vulture-Hag.

One of the things that is paramount in whatever adoption The Mister and I do, is that it is as ethical as possible. We chose you and your service because of your commitment to providing ethical adoptions. We want to be able to look our children in the eyes and assure them that everything was done with the utmost thought for them and their birth families, and there was no coercion or manipulation. We just want to do as "right" by them as possible.

We were very careful not to use any coercion or manipulation at all with NPL. Frankly, the idea of it turns our stomaches. Now we feel a bit sullied simply by association and that is very troubling indeed. We came to you and your service to hoping to prevent this sort of scenario but know that can't be predicted. We  were very disturbed by Mrs. Vulture-Hag's behavior during the last meeting and do not wish to subject ourselves to anything like that again.

I am not naive. I know there is often a great deal of even subtle manipulation and coercion that goes on in any adoption situation where there is a match. I know you have probably seen much more overt manipulation but that is not the point. I know that expectant mothers don't want to "let down" couples that they like and they often feel an obligation to the couples that they don't even recognize. I've read too much from birthmothers and adoptive parents who later recognized this for the coercion that is is, and had regrets. I do feel that balancing the relationship building in a match/potential match situation with an attempt to eliminate any coercion is a delicate balancing act.

Again, just to reiterate: this truly has nothing to do with not being chosen but with the boorish behavior of a particular women that we prefer not to interact with again. Truly. We're a bit disappointed that the environment we were looking to share has turned out to be unsupportive but we do recognize that isn't something we can control.

Please don't think that we don't blame you for any of this but we would like you to understand why we feel the way we do. We look forward to seeing you both at future meetings but request that you respect our wishes.

Pretty wordy, huh? If you have read this far, you truly deserve a medal. I got back a very speedy and considerate email. I do think she heard my concerns. It really is a shame that at a time we could really use the group's support we felt like it would be a painful place for us and put the NPL in an awkward position. I don't think we'll attend next month as they will all likely be there again (with babe in arms) but after that I am hoping the Vultures just go the fuck away and we can go back to the group.

Our homework this month is to connect with some of the group members and talk about some of the other information that was covered. There are a three couples that live nearby and we like quite a lot so perhaps we'll try for a brunch or something. As luck would have it, one of you lovely readers was at the meeting. I'm only sorry I didn't get to meet you then (or hear how the wedding plans for two of my fave guys are coming along).

Oh and the young couple from last week has likely chosen a single mom we know. One of her children is biracial and she's not likely to get pregnant. Sounds like a good fit for all of them and we wish them the best.

The mister and I are off to my hot and humid home state for a family wedding. We'll be weekending in the only urban loft accommodations in a lovely small town known for being the birthplace of Elizabeth Dole and Cheerwine . And if you don't know what Cheerwine is, my friends, you are totally missing out. I see a lot of Diet Cheerwine and tasty NC bbq and hushpuppies in my very near future.

*I know, I KNOW. One of the posts I'm working on in my head is all about why these meetings can actually be good and the expectant and birthparents do get a lot out of these and why our particular situation was so different. It's coming. I promise.

Well, Stop and Smell the Smoke

It hurts to even look outside the windows here. We have hundreds (there were over 800 at one point) of wildfires in California and the air is just thick with smoke. It's hazy and just getting worse. It hurts to breathe. I don't think there's an end in sight.

So that brought to mind my old friend from the post title. (Quick, someone not named Elana name that artist and song. Way too easy for her). I try to tell myself it's just foggy all the time and conjure up romantic images but it's more like being stuck at a campfire with no smores.

I was my hair and it still smells like smoke. It burns to breathe. This just can't be good for any of us.

In other news we are moving forward on as many fronts as we can find. Garden State sent out a new list and for the first time ever (in something like 3 years I think) there are two sets of embryos that appeal to us. I've also been in talks with the lovely Tertia and Dr Champagne. Tertia has found a mighty fine donor for us and Dr Champagne assures me that we have tons o' sperm in Cape Town so I could do another solo trip.

And we got a call out of the blue on Monday from our local adoption agency. We took classes with them and they did our home study. They offer a la carte pricing so we chose not to use their outreach services (they work with tons of folks and often have a really long wait). Anyway they are working with an expectant birthmother and have done a lot of reaching out to other groups all across Northern California and have not had success. So they thought we might be interested.

Yes, please!

So our profile will be shown to the young lady in question. She has a list of her own and it's fairly short. We meet 2 out of 3 requirements so perhaps she'll pick us. One of her requirements is a biracial couple and that seems to be the sticking point. Can you believe there is not a single biracial couple in Northern California who are interested in an open adoption? Seriously. We have heard the efforts the agency has gone to and unfortunately for the young lady she might have to choose between geographic closeness and ethnicity.

She's also been matched twice already. Both couples got pregnant. BOTH. Can you imagine the pain that must have caused her? At least they told her. If she wants to meet with us, we do plan on telling her we might be adding to our family through both adoption and donor gametes.

We don't have a lot of other information at this point but what we do know matches up nicely with my list from that recent post. I'm still ruminating on my list and truly appreciate all the input from you guys. You had some very thoughtful and thought provoking comments.

So smoke or no smoke, we're marching ahead. It's good to have multiple plates spinning in the air again. I thought the mister might not agree but, like always, we seem to be on exactly the same page.

Oh and one last thing. Guess what I scored on craigslist yesterday? The coolest baby hammock in the world, in exactly the color that I wanted, at a substantial discount. Now if I could just find a wii fit.