Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Seems like I'm back to the start of things

I had a couple of posts that had been jingly round in my head so I thought I'd put one of them down. Instead  as I prepare for my hsg tomorrow, I find myself thinking about how far (and how little) I've come in the past five years.

When I had my first hsg more than 4 years ago, I thought it would be no problem. I was tough, I could take a lot of pain. My tubes were free and clear. How hard could it be?

Then I tried to walk to my car and I could barely make it. I think it took me more than half an hour to make it to my car in the hospital garage. This time I'm a wuss and am making the mister stay home tomorrow and drive me to the appointment.

Ok, I'll be honest. I'm making him drive me to the appointment mostly so I can raid my stash of the lovely little pillls called Vic O'Dan.

As I was working and thinking a bit about tomorrow, I found myself looking backwards. There was a fast flurry of emails with an fellow traveler that brought tears to my eyes at the end of my work day. I thought of the other emails I wanted to send soon, some to fellow travelers who've arrived, others to the few of us left in the trenches.

I raced home to race to chiro and when I made it back to my car, all well-adjusted like, there was a lovely message on the phone from another infertile, a mom now who's not sure where she fits in any more. I checked the time change and called her back. Her man answered the phone and after we reminiscenced a bit about his  excellent injection skills in foreign countries, he put his missus on the phone. It had been way too long since we talked last and it was so very good to catch up.* She thought we might be able to hook up in the Windy City but since I'm back in the land of earthquakes and fires, it will have to be another time.

I guess I'm feeling some sort of infertile nostalgia. I do hate the infertility club but you gotta admit, the other members kick some serious ass.

After tomorrow's final exam, I do think I'll be purchasing my tickets to Garden State. Time to take the nostalgia tour national, baby. Advanced purchased tickets will be on sale soon.

*This part is to guilt her into telling y'all all about her big plans with chickens, goats and bees and becoming an innkeeper.

Wounds, Meet Salt

Hmm, this had a chance of being a fun update about the weekend. That would first assume there was fun to be had. Let's see.

Friday was my first WFH day. That's Work From Home for you unitiated in the ways of the status message that must accompany your messaging tool when you WFH. With phone number proudly displayed next to your avatar. Sounds good, right?

It didn't start off all that smoothly. First, I couldn't find my battery and adapter. Then I couldn't find my keys. Keys are actually a surprisingly critical part of my WFH strategy. Because my security thingy that changes every 30 secons or so and allows me to log into my network is on my keychain. It took me nearly an hour to find my keys. I don't know why I didn't think of looking under the cubbyhole thingy near the door. Underneath it in the very back.

It was very very nice once I found my fob. I stayed in my pgs until lunch. I had lunch with the mister and a few friends from his work. It even cost real MONEY--not just a swipe of my badge. And they TALKED at lunch. To EACH OTHER.

I worked off and on all afternoon. I saved 3 hours by not commuting. THREE HOURS! I also got to see the mister in the morning light, he's quite handsome then.

Friday night we stayed in and kept it low key.

Saturday we went into The City and had a big night out with a group of friends. I drank wayyyyy too much sangria and dessert wine but it was so fun.

Sunday was not so fun. See above.

We did go out for croissants and coffee and the new farmer's market not far from us. We bought lots of stone fruit (yay!), fresh corn and heirloom tomatoes.

Then we went for another test drive. The nice car salesman promised me I could drive the two very specific models I wanted to test. PROMISED ME this on the phone. Of course when we arrived it was the bait and switch. Only one of those models were available to test. I wonder what his manager thinks of the email I wrote today swearing to never buy an auto from them and tell everyone I know in the Bay Area to stay away from that particular dealership? Time will tell.

We still love the car. We're no closer to a final decision but are trying to be open to the right car. The right situation. I think it will happen.

Mostly I wanted to go test drive because I wanted to see the mister smile. He did. He has been really blue lately. He is touched by the outpouring from the internets and I hope he'll begin to blog soon. Because I think he'll like it.

Today we got the bill for my emergency surgery. Not including the ER part. Or the surgeon's fees. Who knows how much worse this will get. Current price: 30k.

Amazing how much 30k gets in that little car. And how little it gets at a hospital. How can they possibly be losing money? I'm sure we'll be at 40-45k when it's all said and done. With no baby. And no heated leather seats, either. Thank goodness for insurance.

Finale

I had to call my clinic today to see if they'd gotten my results from my most recent beta. The nurse was all apologetic, apparently they'd be filed.

She called back very quickly. "Less than two."

Totally music to my ears. This horrible nightmare is finally, finally, FINALLY over for me.

I only wish it were over for dear  pamplemousse. The universe is continuing to be grossly unfair and I'm Thoroughly Pissed Off Millie Now.

i get knocked down, but i get up again

Well, here I was expecting to be all Chatty Kathy and planned to tell y'all all about my first day of work. The purple lanyards. The purple furntitue. The yodeling (they reallly make you yodel first thing during orientation--thank goodness I'm a contractor).

Here's where the story takes a turn.

Yes my day started with yodeling but it ended in the ER.

I'm so grateful (incredily undying grateful) that Susan/Holding Pattern told me one of the symptoms for her second ectopic was feeling constipated. That's what I felt. It started off with discomfort and over the coure of the day it got quite painful. So I told the mister we should hightail it to the ER (after taking care of the dogs more apporpriately this time).

We're now old hands at this. Even though my beta was down to a very respectable 75 the ectopic had ruptured. Much of that was clotted but there was a  fair amount of blood in my abdomen. Which was responsible for the pain.

I'll be back later when I'm not on so much vicodin, or just feeling a bit chattier.

Surgery was performed about 2 am my time. Morphine is my bff. Vicodin is a very close second. I'm fine. All went well. Now we don't have to schedule that pesky tube removal surgery 'cuz it's all gone.

I thought I was completely over the hump. I thought we were totally done with this ectopic. Now we finally are and the surgery was strangely reassuring and comforting.

Off to watch bad tv and bad movies.

Same old. same old

Another week, another beta test. Results are still looking good. We're at under 300 (just bareley but it's still under so what the hell). I've won yet another chance at a beta next Tuesday. If this holds it'll likely be three more tests until we're back to the drawing board.*

Is there a prize for having the most beta's for a pregnancy? 'Cuz I think I should at least get a free latte or something.

I have all these posts I've been working on in my head but they don't seem to make it all the way to typepad. I am working on a review of Frozen Angels, a PBS documentary on many things ART related that is both good and scary. I need to finish watching it first.

I'm considering some additional testing and possibly treatment. I'm not sure if I'm grasping at straws or just trying to cover my bases but I'm thinking about getting an endometrial biopsy done (specifically looking for that elusive beta integrin) and maybe going to Dr Bacteria for antibiotic therapy. I've done some basic immune testing and suppose I could do more, but it seems to me like there may be a problem with my uterine lining or uterus that is making implantation difficult.

I need to research uterine/lining experts so if you've got any good names or folks that study that, please send them my way.

I've just been asked to do a wedding cake for a friend. I've just remembered why I don't want to do more wedding cakes. We've gone from serving 10 to 20 in a few days. My suggestions have been countered with something I think will taste horrible so I'm not willing/able to make it. I wasn't going to charge for the cake but it's becoming a nightmare so we'll see.

I just started a super cool project that I hope to be able to tell y'all about soon. It involves infertility resources and someone I respect the hell out of.

I might even be entering the real work force for 90 days or so. With awful hours. Well, not awful if you live in the UK, but awful if you have to support/work with UK staff from the US West Coast. But it's only 90 days, that's not too bad, right?

I promise to come back with something more interesting than a 2 or 3 digit number. I mean it this time.

*My inner math geek tells me if we stay about the same half-life rate we should be about 87 next week, 26 the following week, 7.5 the next and then hopefully to low to measure. My real life math geek is making it much more complicated.

downward, ho

My most recent beta number was 982. We're down to triple digits, people. I hoped so hard for so long for rising numbers. It's more than a little strange to be hoping for the exact opposite in such a short amount of time.

I get to keep getting blood drawn until we're under 5 or so. It may only be another time or two.

I'm trying to set up a consult with Dr Local to take out the other tube. I don't even want the hsg. I don't want anything, just a plan to get this sucker out and stop up any holes. I'm not sure if he'll be the guy to do it or the hotshot new surgeon. Don't know, don't care, just want it done.

Big shout-out and thanks to my friend who's initials are Susan/Holding Pattern. She finally knocked enough sense into my head (as I knew she would) and I'm so grateful to her for that. She came through with a mathematical formula to show just how stupid I was being. Yay for new math.

And another special shout-out to an urban myth I hope to hear from soon. You've all heard the story of the high fsher who was moving on to adoption or just moving on but found herself pregnant when she wasn't really trying? I'm hoping to have a trifecta. I've already got polar bear fish and my favorite Peachtree Gal in the mix (While Demeter counts so very much and I'm thrilled for her, she wasn't yet moving on or giving up). One more would complete the set. I think that may be more than just an urban myth but I can't just ask her, ya know? Kind of an awkward email to send asking if the rumor was true. I could really, really, REALLY use a good story right now so please feel free to email me if you know such a story.  'Cuz that would seriously rock and make both the mister and I incredibly happy to hear about. Seriously.

UPDATE ON INSURANCE CRAP

So I heard back from Grandma Nurse today. She confirmed that donor cycles weren't covered but said that ICSI WAS covered, even if it were a donor cycle. Crazy, huh? Like some of you, I was hoping that donor fees and agencies weren't covered but the ivf part would be covered. Or if I did a donor cycle as a donor (STOP LAUGHING...it really doesn't become you), that wouldn't be covered. Well, apparently that WOULD be covered because it involves me. Totally crazy, huh? I don't know of any other insurance that would cover someone BEING a donor under infertility.

She said any FETS would be covered whether they were my eggs (again...stop the manical laughing. Me? Have enough eggs to have any frozen? I know...I KNOW), donor eggs or donor embryos. Because it involves me.

I told her I'd just have to think about blowing the 10k on a cycle that I know won't work, just because I'm pissed off enough that I can't use the dough for anything that might work. Because those two or perhaps three clinics who's waiting list I'm currently on for donor embryos, you know, aren't on their stupid Centers of Excellence list or whatever. BUT if I blew the 10k on a cycle then I could probably get on one of their silly centers lists.

She got off the phone pretty quickly then.

It's really not about the money. The mister and I didn't think we'd be able to use it anyway. He fought to get coverage for everyone at his company. Now I'm making him go back and educate the HR folks. It seems to me if they're only going to give someone 10k there should be a whole lot of strings. And donor sperm cycles shouldn't be covered (which they are if you pay for the sperm--you could do iuis or ivfs with donor sperm and it would be covered). It's just about being fair, kwim?

Don't worry. We're still working on our next steps. I just thought it might be fun to yank some chains and see what kind of coverage we might be able to get.

the one where millie tries to post something halfway positive

So I've been meaning to come here and write something that at least SOUNDS good, kwim.

We ordered in Chinese last night. Here's what my fortune cookie said:

Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

Wow. It's like the cookie gods were talking straight to me. I certainly don't have the "success" part down but I do have the failure to failure part down.

Now, to be honest the mister doesn't like fortune cookies. So I ate all 3. Here are the other two fortunes:

Your emotions are right on the surface, but that's okay.

Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

Deep Thoughts indeed. Is it just me or do those all seem particularly appropriate now? I feel like the Fortune Cookie Goddess is trying to tell me something.

Ok, just a little bit of wallowing and ranting and railing at the universe then something happier. I promise.

My last post might have left you with the impression that I'm not happy for pregnant women or that's too hard for me to take right now. That's totally true of clueless, insensitive fertiles. But only them. I swear.

Not us. Not any of US. And not one of us who just comes here to read but doesn't have a blog of her own or even comment (at least I don't think she comments but whatever). She's still one of us in all senses of the world.

She's a friend and we share a lot. She works with the mister and is one of our biggest cheerleaders. We share REs. We share hatred of one RE. We share MULTIPLE acupuncturists. We have the same oven and cooktop (including the all important griddle) and a love of cooking. She's truly one of the good guys.

For a while we shared being pregnant together. She did it first and I jumped on the bandwagon. In my ectopic mess I was soooooo very happy that she'd had success. Truly happy. I thought the universe finally got something right.

She saw a hearbeat. She got to go to one of those regular obs like FisherQueen was talking about. She went bact to work after a long, supported sabbatical.

Once again the universe totally fucked up and she lost the baby. I'm so very sad for her and her husband. This is just WRONG. The mister and I are heartbroken all over again. Sending big mad love to a lurker friend and her man.

Ok. I promised good news and I'm gonna close with that. It's not actually mine but I'll take what I can get these days.

I had a lovely lunch with a lovely lady last week. She's also one of us. I dressed up in real clothes and think I even put on lipstick. We did the whole ladies who lunch thing and it was fab. I am now addicted to Arnold Palmers (it's a non-alcoholic drink of tea and lemonade--not as good as you Brit's shandies but so refreshing).

She's also been through the mill in this fertility journey. Many ivfs. Many years. Many disappointments. I was so sad for the longest time because she and her normally awesome husband weren't on the same page. She was ready to move to donor gametes and he wasn't interested in any other ways of family buidling. I had to stop the mister from trying to talk some sense into him or trying to beat it into him. That's a fight the mister would surely have lost.

It made me so incredibly happy to hear that time did it's trick and he's ready to consider other things. They're just starting down the donor path but it was so great to see her excited and hopeful. And I'm relieved that my mister will now stay in one piece.

As for me, I had a fabulous day yesterday and that's a start. I was treated to lunch by one of my RESOLVE sisters and it was good to talk about it all and just be with her. Then I got my facial hair all taken care of at the girliest of girl salons. I had some time to kill before that and found myself at my very favorite ice cream place in the world.

If you find yourself in East Bay and you've got a hankering for fine ice-cream (or just good food) then you must must MUST go to Sketch. It's truly amazing. The owners are both wonderful pastry chefs and so very cool. I'm a huge fan of the burnt caramel and usually that's what I get. But yesterday they had Lavender. How can you turn lavender ice cream down? Turns out you can't. Oh it was so lovely. I was transported in an instant to Provence. I tried to keep my wits about me and talk to Eric and Ruthie about their honeymoon in Thailand but I was a goner.

To top it all off I indulged in 10 new cds for our road trip today. Ok, 9 new plus one replacement Jack Johnson for the all important missing cd. I bought a wide range of folks from Sarah Harmer to Belle and Sebastian and of course a little Pink Martini.

The mister and our oldest (dog) are heading south today. A little beach time, a little work (for him) and a whole lotta time with friends. Sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

Ain't it somethin' how the way things go

Finally something seems to be going my way.

I just got the call from New Nurse. My beta level was down 23% from Friday. Hooray! It's down to under 6k (5796 to be exact) but all that matters is the 23%. Hmmm, could the number 23 be auspicious as it's the same as my favorite basketball player of all time? Now that I might have some time to write about 6 weird things one of them might involve #23.

They've cleared me for my little roadtrip this week. She said I couldn't fly until my beta was even lower but driving to LaLa Land was no problemo.

So very reassuring. I can even sleep tonight* with a little help from Vitamin A (a is for Ambien in my alphabet).

When I was at the clinic this morning I ran into Boss Lady. Longtime readers might remember my boss from the cooking school who was doing ivf. I knew she was doing a FET recently (after 2 fresh ivf cycles) but hadn't felt quite like talking to her and didn't want to infect her with my bad karma.

It was really nice to see her. It also really sucked. She just found out today that she's having miscarriage #3. She's gotten pregnant every cycle only to have this happen. I'd hoped her story would have a happy ending, way back when it started. She was all optimistic and excited about the possibilities. Now she's bitter and depressed like so many of us.

Now at least we can go out and drown our sorrows together (yep, my liver functioning was good as well so I can imbibe).

*I've been reluctant to take anything to help me sleep the past few nights because in my crazy thinking I was sure the ectopic would rupture and I'd die in my sleep. Cheery thought, huh?

when it rains, it pours

I spent this weekend trying to get a bit of my life back and feel a tiny bit normal. Just a bit. It didn't work out quite the way I hoped. No time for a long post but why not just do the recap in bullet points, shall we?

• We had fun plans for an awesome surprise birthday party for a friend at an incredible local restaurant. While it was fun, it turned out the hostess's sister just found out she's pregnant. At 37. After 4 months of trying. With a due date just after mine. Not that I'm bitter but *I* was 37 when we started trying.
• A co-worker of the mister got pregnant after 2 weeks of trying. 'Nuff said.
• After a lovely walk with the dogs today we decided to ask our neighbors out for dinner and a movie. They just eloped a month or so ago. Apparently she got a honeymoon baby (we wanted one of those too). Her due date is 17 days after mine. She's not quite 6 weeks and they're telling everyone.
• I walked inside trying not to be bitter from all this good news and decided to check in with my trusty internet friends. Remember that plan I didn't want to jinx? Well, there was an email canceling said plan. For very good reasons. Not that that helped me feel any better. I realized just how much I was counting on it all working out. It had been an incredibly good plan.

Is the weekend over yet? I'm not sure I can take much more of this. At least tomorrow I get to start my day with more bloodwork and see if this is finally going to end.

Oh the bitch is back

Let's see, what's new with me? Ahhh, another early morning drive to my local clinic and another round of blood drawing. Admit it, you're all jealous of my life.

Luckily traffic was a breeze on Friday, I flew across the bridge and all through town. I even found a free parking spot on the street. That seems like it should be a good sign but it rarely turns out that way.

It was yet another busy morning at the clinic. So many hopeful faces filled the waiting room. So many hopeful faces that all got called back before I did. Even the ones that came in much later. Finally a nurse came out to tell me they were trying to finish up my paperwork. Apparently, I get special paperwork.

The nurse who drew my blood found a vein without oo much problem, making it a banner day. Then my lovely regular nurse saw me. She was a bit worried. Apparently I was quite pale.

Now if someone thinks I'm paler than normal I must look like a ghost. I'm normally quite pasty white (I suppose it would sound better to say I've got a porcelein complexion but let's just be honest, shall we?). Perhaps I looked albino? Or very ghostlike? I dunno but I do know that qualified me for additional stat bloodwork and an ultrasound.

I was quite relieved to be offered an ultrasound. I finally had the sense to ask what my beta levels had been since the ectopic. I so wanted the methotrexate to work that I thought it would be best not to focus on the numbers, in a superstitious effort to will my body to let the drug do it's thing.

My 'baseline' hcg was above 10k. My repeat hcg where they were hoping for a 15% drop but only got a 3% drop was still above 10k. Ectopics and hcg levels above 10k are a bad combination.

So they put me in a room to await the wand monkey. I had every expectation of seeing Dr Local or Dr Sexy Italian. Oh, how foolish that was.

The wait was loooooong. All I could do was look at the calendar on the wall. The strange 2006 calendar that started with November 2005 and goes through November 2006. What kind of calendar starts and stops at November?

The hard part about that calendar was realizing that if I really have to wait 3 months from the last dose of drugs until I can do any kind of cycle again, it's going to put everything off until August or September. Which blows most of this year. Had everything gone as planned in January, I would have had a September due date. This waiting is gonna suck.

Finally there was a knock at the door. I didn't get either Dr Local or Dr Sexy Italian but instead it was a couple of fellows. Female fellows but still two fairly new and raw REs. The main one I'd never met before. I was not a happy camper. I really don't want to have to deal with someone I don't know right now. But all the other docs were busy and they wanted to do this quickly.

Hmmm, I guess I'll have to call the first one Dr Perky. She started off by asking in a very chipper voice "How are YOU today?"

She didn't like my answer of "pretty shitty, what do you think."

Dr Perky: Oh, why? Is something wrong?

Millie: Well I seem to be having a second ectopic and the drugs aren't working, did you read my chart?

Dr Perky: Um, well, yes I know that but thought it might be something more.

Millie: Isn't that ENOUGH?

Let's just say it went downhill from there. I was in no mood for perkiness. I was in no mood to have to deal with a fellow who should have freakin' known better but didn't. I doubt she'll make the same mistake again. I soooooo do not have the energy to be training fellows in bedside manner and infertile etiquette. I'm not normally a bitch and do have manners but that takes energy I'm sorely lacking these days.

Luckily the ultrasound part went better. It was fairly painful but they saw the mass. Firmly lodged in the left tube. About 2 cm. No bleeding, no fluid, no imminent danger of rupturing. Big sigh of relief from Millie.

My nice nurse called a few hours later. All the bloodwork was good, I'm not bleeding anywhere that I can see and my beta is down to 7k. That doesn't really count and we want to see it 15% lower than that on Monday but it was reassuring to me at least. Maybe, just maybe, this second dose of drugs will work. Maybe I'll even be able to sleep some this weekend.

I celebrated with a matinee and a lunch of movie nachos. I even laughed a bit at the movie (Friends with Money). Of course there was the unexpected infertility discussion but that was ok.

~~~~~~~
I'm working on the next big plan. I don't want to jinx it yet or talk about it here but there might be a plan to put into place as soon as I'm able. I still need to get all this stuff straightened out. I need to take out or tie off my tubes and I'm not sure how that will work timing wise or how long of a recovery I need before I can cycle again. But I'm hoping to have a reason to cycle as soon as I can. Cross your fingers but it just might work out.

Giving up just isn't an option. Even now.