Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Go earn your sticker tomorrow

Since tomorrow is election day here in the USA, I want to remind everyone to vote. Since this is an infertility blog not a political blog,  I'm not going to tell you how to vote, just VOTE.

I had planned a whole post denigrating that sitcom actress who's saying all the stupid stuff in the great state of Missouri but it's late and I'm tired. She's clearly an idiot. Worse she's spreading lies and misinformation about ivf and donor eggs.

Perhaps it is time to boycott a few stores if you think she's an ignoramus who you don't want to see get any of your hard earned cash. Yes, everyone has the right to free speech (which is what some of the CEOs of the stores that use her in ads are claiming) but we all get to vote with our pocketbooks as well as with our hanging chads.*

Here's a link to what she said. Here's a couple of links of stores you might want to avoid, like CVS, Lucky, SavOn and Albertsons. And if you feel like writing a letter or two then check this one out.

*Well, unless you live in Florida. Or were sent a letter saying you couldn't vote because you were an immigrant. Or ...

putting the swear into swearengen

Now, I don't normally swear like a sailor. But today is no normal day. I fear that a certain character's language is rubbing off me right now.

A year or so ago the mister and I got totally immersed in The Shield. We became obsessed with it about the same time that our last cycle with our own eggs went horribly south. There was something so very comforting that I found in those baby blues of Vic's.

I've had to move on because Vic just can't keep up with me. My newest show is Deadwood. I just finished Season 1, so nobody go ruining the rest for me. There's no one with Vic's personal morality. There's no one as hot as Lem. There's no one as geeky and awkward as Dutch.

But there is Al Swearengen. And oh how he swears. If you've seen the show then you know his favorite word.* The mister and I now use it a lot. I find myself nearly blurting it out in public. It's quite effective to use against those idiotic drivers that seem to be everywhere. I find myself nearly referencing it in casual conversation. Then I realize that not everyone has just been watching as much Deadwood as I. And likely wouldn't understand the usage of this word.

Today I can't stop saying it. I'm pissed off at the world. I just don't get it. I was still reeling from Thalia's news, not to mention Zarqa's, when I heard about what was happening at the Pamplemousse house.

In a totally selfish way Pamplemousse's news hit all too close to home. It is exceptionnally cruel (and not to discount any other losses-I'm really not trying to play the which is worse game) when a donor cycle ends in an ectopic. We've given up so much and come to terms with so much and then to have something like that happen is just excruciation.

This is really too much, don't you think? My heart is breaking for all of them. I almost wish I wasn't a godless heathen so I could question the almighty. How can this all be? How can life be so very unfair and incredibly cruel.

I'm sure y'all already have but go give those ladies some love.

*The word, as you may not know, is c*** sucker. Scream it with me.

another one for our team?

Celebrity Baby Blog is reporting that author Helen Fielding, age 48, is pregnant with #2. Her son, Dashiell, is 2.

Congrats to Helen, her partner Kevin and big brother, Dashiell.

Discuss if you'd like. You know what I think, right?

Updated to Add:

Just in case it wasn't clear, I'm very happy for them all. I think it's totally fab. Check out the pic at CBB to see how adorable Dash is, and how very happy Helen looks. May we all look so happy one day soon.

calling all (fet and drug) angels

OK, I need some help here people. I've talked about adding some things to my protocol and some of you have shared very helpful tips with me.

Now I need specifics. Please feel free to email me with details if you don't feel like posting in the comments. And I'd love it if you left your email address so I can thank you if you leave it there.

I want to add a course of steroids to my fet. Dr Champagne is happy to let me do pretty much what I want.

So here are my questions:

• Medrol or Dexamethasone? Which one? How long? What dosages (hoe much and how many per day)
• I know that Dr SheRe likes the dex and it was part of my fresh cycle with her but not sure how it plays into an fet or if medrol is better (though I've got a stash of dex left and a refill on it as well so that would be easy to do but Dr Local will give me whatever I ask for as well
• Baby Aspirin? yes or no
• Antibiotics? which one and all that other good stuff like dosing
• Assisted hatching? I think I'm just going to ask for this but would love some specifics/success stories
• Anything else? I think I'll do acupuncture but just when I get to South Africa.

I truly appreciate any/all advice and knowledge that y'all share with me. Over and out.

Make a new plan, millie

In my quest to find an answer, some kind of freakin' answer, to why my donor cycle failed I've emailed my local RE and asked him to consider a variety of tests. I'm asking for a mock cycle with endometrial biopsy, hysteroscopy, hsg, anything that might give me an answer or a plan. If any of you lovely readers have additional tests or suggestions, bring them on. Seriously.

I think I'm going to ask for steroids next time. Why not, right? I'm not sure I've got the best immune system going so maybe it will help. I've tested negative on all the immune tests done but just want to cover all bases.

I'm trying to plan for another trip to the far side of the world. If  some extra money finds its way to my checking account, then perhaps I'll spring for another fresh cycle.* If not, then let's warm up the totsicles and see what happens.

I'm trying to 'process' everything as well. My lovely therapist found an open slot in her schedule that allows both the mister and I some couch time. Very nice of her. Last night was our first night session.
The mister is still grieving. He's doing a bit better but it's going to be a long haul. He's feeling hopeless and I think that's here to stay. I was always the hopeless one. I was the one who'd quote the bad stats and he'd tell me we'd beat them, that the doctors didn't know everything, that something would work. Somehow it's so much worse now.

So I'm on this quest to find an explanation or something I can fix. Because otherwise, there's just no reason except for bad luck. And that's just so hard to even think about. I can change my drugs, I might be able to change my lining but I don't know how to change my luck.

*I know that thing called A JOB would probably help in the money department and I'm working on it. I'm not willing to go to Keyser as an FTE and commit to 2 years but I am pursuing other possibilities. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have this be a choice. I just can't go back to traveling most of the time. Been there, done that.

** I know I didn't have another foot note coming but just had to say a couple more things. I like Wessel's term discriminating soooo much more than snob. I will discuss some of the other things I'm discriminating about in the next few days. Promise.

Oh and that yoga guy. I haven't slept with him. I'm not even worthy to take one of his classes when he's in town and at his studio. But Penelope was right. His initials are RY.

UPDATE FROM LOCAL RE:

It is not uncommon for even the best-looking embryos on day 3 not to cause pregnancy so I would not do anything differently other than to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer again.  Your lining sounds like it was optimal for implantation.  I have no reason to believe that your uterine cavity is different than the saline ultrasound performed in 2005 and especially if they did not see anything wrong at your most recent ultrasounds.  Sorry to hear that the fresh transfer did not work….good luck with the frozen transfer.

So it looks like somebody needs to talk to Howie again and get some tickets for SA. FET it is! (I feel kind of like a Trident gum commercial, 2 out of 2 REs agree...)

the princess and the pea

In my continued effort to bring celebrity gossip to you, here is this week's Royal Edition.

It appears that Princess Caroline of Monaco is pregnant with her fifth child. She's 49.  You can read all about it at Celebrity Baby Blog. They even link to a video that clearly shows a baby bump.

Hmmm, her other daughter with her current husband is 6 years old (so the Princess was 42-43 when she fell pregnant). Six years between kids. Late 40s. Does this mean what I think it means?

I think so. Which is fantastic. If princesses are comfortable with donor egg then it's going mainstream.

(Even if it's natural it's great news for us older women, right?).

I never thought I'd be emulating royalty but Caroline has always been one of my fave royals. Guess I'll be doing like the bluebloods.

UPDATED
Doooh. Apparently we've all been had. The tape is very old. Looks like no more royal babies in Monaco. Unless Albert gets busy again.

just as i suspected

I just got off the phone with the nurse. My beta, was in fact, negative. I guess the good news was my progesterone was quite nice. I'll tell that to my sore hips. Pretty damn sure they don't care.

I called the mister. I made a promise to him once that he'd get all news before the internet. I suppose it's only fair.

The nurse was really supportive. She thinks we should do a FET and we could even do as soon as I could get my sore butt back on a plane to Cape Town. She's seen a lot of success with FET after fresh failures.

She also claims that the donor embryo program there is moving along. We joked about that a bit because I've heard it so many times before.

I'll write the good Dr. L now and see what he thinks. Maybe add some medrol to the protocol? I suppose that couldn't hurt. Maybe try another fresh? Our donor can't cycle again until spring--and I think she's probably already snapped up for her next cycle.

I want to thank all of  y'all for your support. It means a tremendous amount to me-and the mister. I know I've said it before but truly it does.

There have been a lot of tears at my house the past few days. Mostly when the mister wasn't around because I know how much he's hurting too. He didn't give up hope for this cycle until my phone call a few minutes ago. He even berated me when I refused my shot last night (I told him I was willing to do a suppository but I didn't see the point to any kind of shot).

I'm sure there will be lots more tears. Right now, I'm just devastated. Kind of numb but totally devastated. How could this not have worked? How much more are we going to have to go through? I know we're going to be parents some how, some day. It just seems like it keeps getting farther and farther away from us.

my body's aching and my time is at hand

For most people, when they start to pursue infertility treatments, they can say to themselves. "well, at least there's always ivf." That way there's hope and a path and something with a good shot of working out.

When you have high fsh, this is taken away from you in the beginning. Oh you can try ivf but the odds are never really there for you. There's never any kind of comfort in knowing you still have that tool in your toolboxl.

When you have high fsh and you want to pull out all the stops, you go to Garden State. Or the other guy. You tell yourself while you're at your local clinic "there's always Garden State." There's still not the same kind of hope that others get from thinking about ivf but at least they'll let you cycle and give you the best odds you're gonna ever hear.

When you have high fsh, what you really tell yourself, secretly deep down is "there's always donor egg."

See, this is the only time the odds are going to be on your side. Now I'm not saying that lots and lots of women with high fsh don't get pregnant. They do. They do on their own. They do with iuis. They do with ivf.

What I'm talking about is how you keep going and what you tell yourself to feel some hope. And really, that's the fact that there's "always donor egg."

Chances are good, right? You get the stats on your side for once. And they look damn good.

70% chance of sucess? Sign me up. Two perfect embryos with perfect lining. Should be a shoo-in, right?

I'm still waiting for official confirmation. I like that many of y'all picked Door Number 1 (or even hoped for another door) but I don't have any kind of willpower or restraint. I secretly even wanted it to be Door Number 1 but that was just a device for literary tension. 

Seems my nurse is off today (and I suppose this horrible dragging out of my beta results is what I get from ignoring her instructions and going in today anyway) but I think that just means no one else wanted to call me with the bad news. I'm much  more than 70% sure now that it will be bad news.

I'm already checking my schedule and planning for a return trip to Cape Town. I've got 4 frozens and I suppose that's a good start. We did leave an extra sperm sample for just this scenario (that way I can go back without the mister--cheaper and I'm the unemployed one anyway--I meant to explain that before but haven't had a chance). I'm working on a plan but I don't have a lot of faith in it just yet.

So, what do I tell myself now?

Only thing to do is jump Over the moon

I thought it was high time for some more good news around here. Liana  over at the Dollhouse is having a tough day. Still, NBHHY but do go give her some love.

In other news somebody got a nice present in her stocking. Y'all did such a great job with those positive thoughts for her that Bonnie got a bfp from Santa. He even brought her a nice beta today. Yay for Bonnie and ending the year off right. I'm hoping that Wessel and I start it off with a couple of positives for Team Donor but here's to Bonnie and Liana for doing their part.

hammer time

Time for me to 'fess up. I started freaking out last week. I wasn't getting a period, just a little spotting, and I was convinced this cycle was gong to hell in a hand basket.

So I emailed the good doctor on call (as mine is on a much deserved holiday). He reassured me and said all would be ok. He even included a couple of pictures of Cape Town this time of year to help me de-stress. I thought that was nice but it still didn't bring on my period.

I was supposed to take my lupron depot shot on CD 1 and that had been drummed into my head. I did have a bit of spotting (sorry if tmi) but not enough to 'call it.'

A second email to the doc a couple of days later convinced him that I was going to be high maintenance and I should just take the shot.

So I did. He said I could take it im or subcutaneous but thanks to the advise of the lovely Lynette I decided to go for im. The mister did a most excellent job. He didn't even faint or get woozy. Yay mister.

I sat back and waited for side effects. In my usual crazy self, I began to freak that the hella dose of lupron that I took wasn't enough for me. It took several days for the side effects to appear (does anyone know if that's normal?) but they're here. I'm having wicked headaches every afternoon and am tired, tired, tired around that time as well. I'm not sleeping well at night and having a hot flash here or there. Oh the fun!

I added estrace in a few days ago. I'm scheduled to take one tablet for three days, two tabs for three days, three for three days then four tablets until I get to the clinic. It's supposed to have some amorous side effect so that should at least be fun.

I'll write about the holidays later but so far they've been great. I do have to tell you about my lunch today, though.

Today I got to have lunch with 3 fabulous women: Chris,Suz and K & M . We had a very understanding waiter (and yes, we tipped him extremely well) who let us stay for hours and hours and even let us move away from the icky smoking section when other restaurant folks said it couldn't happen. Of course, we used Suz's twins to guilt him into it but he was game.

It was like meeting up with long lost friends. We talked and laughed and ate and talked some more. They were kind enough to look at my kitchen pics and suck up to me by telling me they thought it looked purdy. They were witty and charming and just what you'd expect. They were, however, disappointed to find out I wasn't blond. I must come across as a total ditz because  I get that a lot when I meet bloggers in real life. Ahhhhh, what a great time.

I've got a couple of days until I leave. I promise to be totally narcissitic and update lots when I'm in South Africa. I also promise to be a complete comment slut during said cycle in South Africa. I'm warning y'all about the narcissism because it's unlikely that I'll be able to keep up with my friends.

Don't miss out on the excitement you'll find in the next episodes:

• Evil SIL strikes again
• Revenge on the MIL
• Finally responding to Avonlea's meme
• Ho ho holidays