So back the other day when I thought I was losing it, I was still pretty damn functional. I still am, on the outside, to most observers.
But I'm stretched mighty then and have no reserve. None. Like seriously if one tiny freakin' thing doesn't go my way I'm soooo going to snap.
I'm incredibly grateful that baby boy is thriving. He's looking great, eating great, acting great, etc. The staff is amazing. Many parts of this are actually very easy.
But I miss the mister. And I miss being with the mister and Tall Girl. The mister and I are taking shifts at the hospital and barely see each other. We're trying to keep things somewhat normal for Tall Girl but that's incredibly hard. I guess right now we're just trying to at least make sure she has some fun every day and gets to sleep in our lake house for all her naps and nights.
Tonight is my night at the lake house. At least tonight she didn't start crying when we got back like she did Wednesday night "I miss my daddy. I wannt daddy HERE. Where is daddy?" We ate some cake and she went to bed and fell into a deep, hard sleep.
Tomorrow we'll wake up and eat breakfast and shower. We might watch tv a bit (she's been watching way too much tv but that's all we've got) and play. Then we'll head to the hospital.
When she gets to the hospital, Tall Girl knows the way to our room. She greets everyone along the path (and it's a fairly long circuitous one) and loves pushing the elevator buttons. It's a weird hospital because you come in on the 3rd floor and head down to 2. She runs down the hallway in her adorable can't-yet-bend-her-knees-while-running form. She uses both hands to open the big security door to the Family Birthing Center and starts yelling "I'm back..I'm back...Where are you?" in her sweet, high voice.
We'll all be together for about 30 precious minutes before it'll be time for the mister and Tall Girl to leave. They'll maybe have time to stop at the park for 10-15 minutes then come home for a nap. Then he'll feed her lunch and they'll head back in or run some errands. We might all be together for an hour or a bit more. Then the mister and Tall Girl will leave to come back to the lake house while Baby Boy and I will settle in for the night.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
It's sometimes easy to forget he's technically a NICU baby. He's in the room with us most of the time. His little hands are covered with his lap gown so we don't mess up the iv port. He gets antibiotics at the start of the day and the end of the day: 9:30 and 5:30 (guess he'll be a banker with those hours). Then it's a bit more intense during the middle of the night. One of his drugs gets delivered via a pump and it takes a bit over an hour to pump it all in. The nurses also check his vitals every couple of hours and we anxiously watch his respiratory rate and hope it's still down where it needs to be.
Today Tall Girl and Sydney and I went to a large local park and fed the ducks (mostly the seagulls and a few hyperagressive geese) and picked up dinner for all of us.
While we were heading to the park, Sydney was talking to her sister. I was trying not to eavesdrop (Really! I SWEAR!) but that's pretty impossible to do when someone is right next to you in a car.
She was talkiing about when she'd be returning home.
Now we've been through a lot of plans. But the most recent plan was that if all went well and baby boy is discharged Tuesday we'll have his first followup here Wednesday or Thursday, Sydney's two week follow-up on the same day, start driving south on Thursday, get home by early afternoon on Friday so baby boy can have his first appointment with our ped that day and we can make sure he doesn't need more antibiotics. Then we'll all head over to our adoption consultant's monthly meeting on Saturday, have a lovely day together on Sunday and Sydney will fly home Monday or Tuesday (oh and Tall Girl's first day of preschool is Tuesday so even more transition for her).
That was our plan. We all agreed to it.
Imagine my surprise when Sydney said to her sister (back when I was trying very hard not to listen in) that we'll get to our house on Friday and she'll stay for a "week or two to see him settled in".
A week or two and 3-4 days are realllllly different in my book. And that's where I nearly lost it. I think I kept it together fairly well but probably not nearly as well as I would have liked.
We played at the park and I dropped Sydney and Tall Girl off at a restaurant to order our take-out dinner while I went to the grocery story to buy diapers. And call the mister and say "WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU SAY AND WHEN DID YOU LOSE YOUR MIND?"
He was a bit surprised to say the least.
I believe I said something like "Don't you know I'm just barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth here and I can not take ONE. MORE. CHANGE? There have been other people in our tiny house non-stop since July 12 and we have been gone from there for a month and I can not have ANYONE in our house after October 3rd. No one. Not Sydney. Not my mom. Not your mom. NO ONE. You can't change one single part of this plan without at least warning me and I am thisclose to seriously lose it right here on the diaper aisle."
I think it's safe to say that got his attention.
He thought that since I'd been seemingly handling everything so well in PUBLIC that it would be no big deal. He's rethinking that particular thought.
So now I've told him to fix it. Fix it in a way that does not involve my name. Fix it in some way where there can be no possible thought of "Millie doesn't want me here or didn't like this change in plans or isn't being the biggest beeyotch ever".
I don't care that it is me that can't go along with this change in plans. I just won't be the fall guy because he didn't even consult me. I want to be the person who could do this without batting an eyelash but, for whatever reason, I just can't.
There was a similar point in Tall Girl's adoption where, 2 nights before we were set to fly home everything changed and we were sent reeling and I was up all night freaking out. Back then I wrote:
I think with every adoption there is, as one friend from our support group said to me, "always one thing in an otherwise smooth process to get your gut churning and have you running for a stiff drink."
Maybe this is just that point.
We're in a totally different place/space with this adoption. There are no questions about whether baby boy will be our son (we're already his legal guardians, all paperwork has been signed, submitted and court approved). Now it's perhaps bigger questions of how to we move forward in ways that everyone gets as much of what they want/need as possible, when those wants/needs are not the same.
Neither of us want to disappoint Sydney. We know that we will, at some point, but we just don't want it to be so soon. I know many things have changed for her as well and none of us have gotten the lovely time together at the lake house that we wanted. Now she has told her entire family she'll be staying with us for much longer than originally planned.
I know it's going to be incredibly hard for her to leave when that time comes. I've lived that before and that is still one of the hardest days of my life. I honestly don't think staying a week longer is going to make that any easier. I would rather plan for a future visit so we all have something to look forward to instead of just trying to postpone the inevitable.
This part of open adoption sucks.