Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing: Monday

Well althought we are here, we are still waiting. It's been a long day all around. I'd write more but I'm pretty beat.

What we thought was labor yesterday was apparently false labor. Ms. FoodNetwork was completely wiped when we last spoke. She was going to eat and try to sleep before the main event.

The mister and I have been having lots of fun. Last night we watched the infamous bats and learned about a new kind of bottlecap (the yummy fried jalapeño kind). Today we did some shopping and visited a very cool presidential library. We also had dinner with some very old friends who we hadn't seen since we left Utah oh so long ago.

Now I'm off for a little time in the indoor pool and hot tub before calling it an early night.

I promise to update with any news!

PS X: I hope you see this post. Please email me if you'd like to meet up because I would dearly love to meet!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Please bear with me while I finally figure out how to use the typepad app on my iPhone.

The mister and I are currenly on a plane waiting for the doors to shut. It turns out the Lonestar state is a foreign country, at least according to our airline. At least we get to fly out of our swank international terminal.

Turns out perhaps we should have bought these tickets earlier: Ms FoodNetwork went into labor bright and early this morning! Thanks to the marvels of modern technology we've been texting back and forth.

This is going to be a lonnnnnnnnggggggg flight.

See y'all on the flip side!

Same As It Ever Was - Friday version

Nope, not on a plane yet. Still waiting. I thought I'd go ahead and get that part out of the way.

We will, however, be buying plane tickets for Sunday or Monday within the next few hours! We're leaning towards Sunday for obvious reasons (HELLO...we are all out of zen here and full into the crazy) but we'll see how the rest of the day plays out.

Ms FoodNetwork is currently at her midwife appointment. There is much midwifery stuff going on involving some sort of physical manipulation and some herbal tonic or something. Ms Foodnetwork has also scheduled a Monday morning induction appointment at the local hospital and is very motivated to miss that appointment. VERY motivated indeed.

Let's see...was there any other news this morning? Anything I thought y'all might be interested in?

Oh, well I suppose some of you might like to know the answer to the gender question. Part of today's exam was making sure the baby was ok and there was a sonogram done to do just that. Ms FoodNetwork called to see if we wanted to find out the gender and of course I asked her what she wanted and we went round a bit and she said "I think I wanna know!" So now we know!

Her mom called with the news (and I must say I was a bit surprised because I thought Ms FoodNetwork would want to tell us herself but not sure she was given the chance).

The baby will no longer be referred to as "it" in the third person and instead will be henceforth designated as "she". Or I suppose I could just say "It's a GIRL!". *

Y'all should be totally honored as I'm telling the internets before I tell my own family. Well, I'm also blackmailing my mom for some photos of my sis's house renovations that the whole family is going on and on about with no photos whatsoever. (Pamplemousse:it's a good thing you posted photos of your new car because otherwise I was going to withhold from ALL of you.;) )

There's also a lot of other thinking going on in my head today. Today is NHL's due date for her little girl. I'm hoping they're both doing well and wish her all the best in parenting.

Today is also the birthday of one of my very best friends. She would have been 43 today. She should  have been 43 today. I can't believe it's been 16 years since she was killed in a car crash. I've written about her several times here but honestly am just too lazy to find the links. I think about her often and it is very special to me that we found out this baby, that might become our baby, is a girl on this special day (and how awesome would it be if this girl somehow decides she's ready to be born today as well).

So that's where I am. Thinking about my friend and thinking about this baby girl. Hoping to meet her very soon

*Sorry Oro. You, the mister and Ms FoodNetwork's mom seemed to be in the very small minority thinking we'd be having to come up with a boy's name after all.

Same As It Ever Was - Wednesday version

I'm guessing the title says it all, right?

Still waiting. Got a text from Ms FoodNetwork's mom last night while we were at a birthday party which got us a bit excited until we read it. It just said "No baby yet just thinking it's going to come in the middle of the night soon."

All pretense of working has fallen by the wayside for me. I had a really tough day professionally yesterday. I'm working with one guy I worked with well in the past and one new guy. The new guy is, shall we say, not the best communicator. I told them nearly two weeks ago I'd have to leave at any moment and why. He seemed to support that but doesn't seem to understand when I say I really can't plan to run a presentation later this week or guarantee I can complete deliverables. Once that call comes, I am outta here. Truth be told, I'm not really digging this project and it was just a place holder until one that is a better fit ramped up. After strong words yesterday I'm officially off the project. I'm disappointed it came to this but relieved at the same time.

Not sure what else I've even got to write about today. I'm just wiped. I did bake a lovely apple cake yesterday. I guess it's technically a chiffon cake because it used oil instead of butter. It's kind of a dense cake so I think it will travel fairly well. Or we'll just eat it for dinner.

<insert long unintended break from writing here>

Ok. Where were we? Oh, right WAITING. Yup still waiting. Just got back from interesting couples therapy session (you all know how much I truly love therapy, almost as much as chocolate). I know I've said it before but our therapist seriously rocks. Loves her. She gets it and is incredibly helpful.

The mister had a bit of a bombshell this morning (and no time to tell me in advance): he got laid off today! Now I know this will sound strange but we are both really happy and excited about this (unlike most of the others that got laid off today and that is not something we're happy about). Truly. He got a good package and insurance through the end of the year. He had been considering quitting to look for a new job but I told him to hope for getting laid off instead. His resume is ready to go and he has a couple of good "ins" at his desired employer. And we're very lucky in that what he does is pretty specialized and there's still a need for it in this economy. Now the timing is seeming pretty sweet because he might have more time at home with the baby.

Texting with TX today in hopes of encouraging this not-so-wee one to make an appearance.

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Sorry for no replies today but I'm just too wiped. I do appreciate each and every comment and perhaps after a nap I'll reply.

Same As It Ever Was - Monday version

I've clearly run out of ways to say the same thing: still waiting.

We're running out of ways to fill this waiting time so the mister and I are just doing all those things we won't be able to do soon (we hope!) and rubbing in in the faces of any of our friends with kids. Movie night? Oh yah. We saw that new Tarantino film on opening weekend and really liked it. Sleeping in and lounging around reading the Sunday paper? Yup, did that too.

Piece de resistance? Pre-show dinner at a hot new spot known for amazing cocktails and Chinese small plates followed by 4th row center seats (so freakin' center we had a center aisle seat) at Wicked. All planned last minute because that's how we roll.

Now it's Monday and both the mister and I are supposed to be working. He's doing a better job of pretending to do that. I'm trying but just don't really care.

I did find out that I can likely get 6 weeks of paid family leave even though I'm self-employed. I just need to register and start paying for optional disability coverage. I had no idea that was even an option in this state and would have been paying it all along. Since you can take the leave any time in the first year of a newly born or adopted child I will have time to qualify for benefits. Nice, huh?

Ok so perhaps time to clear up some questions several of y'all have asked.

Are we matched?
I honestly am not sure how to answer this question. In short, yes. At least I think so. But we haven't had a "match meeting" or anything like that (which is typical with our consultant). Ms FoodNetwork is no longer talking to any other prospective adoptive parents and has stated it's her desire for us to adopt this baby. She was working with another couple but broke off that match/talks before reconnecting with us.

What is the plan?
The current plan is that Ms FoodNetwork will call/text when she goes into labor. So far she says she'd like us to leave at that time and perhaps visit her at the birthcenter if she's still there but not be at the birth. There are only a couple of direct flights a day with the latest flight at 1:00 pm so it might take us a bit to get there. We'll definitely ask if she's ready for us to fly and offer a few days of alone time first.

Can we spend time one on one with her?
Of course we'd love that and are hoping to make that happen. There are some interesting dynamics at play so I'm not sure how easy that will be while we're still in the Lonestar state. She will be coming back with us for at least 3-4 days and it will likely be just her then which pleases us. We've invited the biological dad as well (through her) but don't think that's likely to happen at this point. We've also suggested something similar to what wavybrains suggested (getting a hotel room near her regular residence and hanging on campus or somehow enabling her to attend her classes during this time) but am not sure that will happen due to said dynamics.

Why don't more people do more of a transitional time in adoptions?
Honestly I think it should be done more often. I think that many of the current practices are based in fear. I totally get that. If you'd told me back when we were originally thinking about adoption that we would seek this out and encourage it, I'd likely have wondered about your drug usage. But after reading and thinking about it, it just makes sense.

I remember reading getupgrrl back when she was writing about taking her son from the only person he'd known and how she wanted that to be easier on him. I have also seen it work remarkably well with other families in our service. People have worked out all kinds of arrangements during this time. One of the considerations is whether it's a local situation or not. Many folks plan on spending 2-4 weeks with the birth family when it's not a local situation. Hearing diverse stories from so many people that we've come to know through their journeys, adoptive parents as well as birth parents and grandparents really demystified it for us. We are lucky because we've experienced this through our friends so many times already and it just seems natural to us.

I think this kind of transition doesn't happen as often as perhaps it should because agencies and lawyers get very fearful that adoptions won't happen if transitions are encouraged. And for the most part this is still a big business. I think there's still too much "she needs to get on with her life" thinking and not enough "how can we make this humane for everyone considered and really think about what the baby needs". I think expectant moms are worried about bonding "too much" and the pain being "too great" and not counseled about that or perhaps just counseled about what possibilities exist and what they might need. And those moms aren't told they can change their mind after birth about what kind of transition they need and that's ok.

It's awfully easy for me to write this because I haven't been through this yet. I fully expect this all to be much harder in real life. I know it's going to be awful to have our greatest joy come at a high cost for another family.

I also know this transitional period is going to be hard for our families to understand. It's hard for many of our friends to understand as well. I know they are protective of us and worried about what might happen. In their minds the worst thing that can happen is for a baby to be "taken away" from us. While it would be incredibly hard for that to happen, and I do not deny that at all, that's not the worst thing that could happen. It isn't about us, it's about a family deciding to parent or to place. We feel strongly that every parent considering an adoption plan revisit their decision after birth. It's up to the mister and I to give them the space to do that. We also agree with our consultant's philosophy that papers are never signed in a hospital.

We get asked a lot about laws in various states and "how long can she change her mind" kind of questions. We spend a lot of time trying to (gently) explain that we don't really know or care. We're trying to approach this from the stand point of building a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. As Ms FoodNetwork's family has repeatedly stated "this is a sacred covenant between our families". Yes we have to make sure the legal parts get done (in a way where the baby's rights are put first and everyone's rights are respected) but that is really just paperwork (no offense to any attorneys reading).

Why doesn't the family want to consider our ideas about transitional time?
Again, there are some pretty strong forces at play and we're trying to respect that. It doesn't mean they aren't open to other ideas or don't want to utilize resources offered but they have a ton on their plate. Keep in mind that all of this would be a lot easier to discuss and process if we had more time. We have had much more time to get to know each other than we thought but really everyone just wants this baby to show up.

I think if it were a few weeks ago we could have longer discussions about this, read up on things even encourage them to talk to some of the other families (including birthmoms) who've experienced this. The reality is that we're all sitting with various bags packed and just wondering when the main event is going to start. I also think it'll be more organic and perhaps easier to have some of these discussions in person.

Last but definitely not least: What do you mix raspberry vodka with?
Everything! Actually I must admit I love me a good Cosmo and nothing makes a better Cosmo than a spectacular raspberry vodka and some fresh lime juice. It is also lovely with lemonade.Or watermelon aqua fresca. I also love Pear Vodka with ginger beer/ale and Vanilla Vodka with Diet Coke. With my in-laws it's good to have a variety of vodka drinks in your back pocket. ;)

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@wavybrains: Thanks so much for your long, thoughtful comment that was chockfull of great info. It's VERY appreciated. I am looking forward to sharing all of it with her. I know she's anxious about getting started with school but apparently can get many of her classes online until she can attend in person. Thanks again!

@Tammy: Thanks so much for delurking! Any friend/reader of Tertia's is a friend of mine. Thanks for the good thoughts and support.

@Sparkle: It is rather full on, isn't it? So far no one thinks it's a boy.

@Michell: Do the tour! It's awesome and free! Or I'll just make you a killer drink and we'll eat our cupcakes. The coparenting for a time did freak us out a bit before (we're only human) but we've seen it work great so hope we're up for the challenge.

@louise: I think it's amazing how every situation is so different. I think it's challenging to offer that time but also express how excited you are at the same time. Any tips on how to navigate these challenging days/emotions/etc are welcome!

@krista: It does feel like we're getting close, whether this one happens or not. I don't know that we're all that selfless just trying to do what every parent does or should do (put the baby first). I suppose all this extra time has even us the chance to become more equipped to do it this way. Though don't think for a minute I wouldn't rather be an insensitive bitch with a school-age kid.

@Mad Hatter: Your name is one of my very fave Halloween costumes/characters EVA! I wish you all the best with your journey. Feel free to write with more specific questions about high fsh if you have them.

@pocket: You're home! So you have the girl feeling too?

@Summer: Thanks! I'll definitely find a way to post some pics, even if briefly.

@MM: Thanks for the questions and thoughts for my 'rents. It certainly isn't the best time for all of this but when is it ever? Love the xxxxxxxxxs.

@Bonnie: Today or next week? It's next week, right? Big celebratory plans?

@Lut C: Banana bread rocks! I think that sounds yummy. Perhaps I can just substitute coconut oil for the butter? It's interesting to me how adoption still seems to be fairly closed there but at least in many countries (though not sure about yours) all donor stuff is more open. Do you find that to be the case?

@Tricia: LOVE your photo idea!!! That hadn't even occurred to me but I really love it.

@PiquantMolly: Once things get more in motion I'll start updating those other places with statuses and feeds and such. Thanks for the excitement!

@Erin:I'm a longtime reader of you who is touched by the comment. Thanks!

@jen: You are supposed to COME HERE and get it at the source. That would be the most special delivery you could arrange. ;) I do think you have a lot of cute boy stuff that would make great hand-me-downs. Is there good news on your end? Sounds like it!

@tublessinstl: That's how I get you: lull you into a false sense of security with no action and no posting then WHAM!

@Red Headed Momma and PBfish: Welcome to my world! Waiting and more waiting.

Same As It Ever Was

For all of you obsessively stalking this space: still here. Still waiting.

Ms FoodNetwork had another appointment yesterday. She's a bit more effaced and a tiny bit dilated. The baby has dropped. The baby's head was felt. So maybe tomorrow or Monday or Tuesday? Oh and the midwife had a vision it's a girl. Not sure what her stats are on her visions but perhaps we'll add another data point soon?

It has been pointed out to the mister that he will be adding another Virgo to his family, if all this goes well. Apparently some people think this calls for sympathy. I think as long as he does everything the way it should be done then life will be smooth and organized. ;)

We I survived the in-laws visit (though I LOVE calling them outlaws, thanks MM for that). It was good it was brief but we had a lot of fun in The City. I tried not to take offense when they thoroughly enjoyed two activities I'd suggested FOR YEARS which suddenly sounded appealing when the mister suggested them. Why do I bother?

Our therapy session was tremendously helpful although I'm not sure what our therapist made of our introductory remarks ("Not much has happened since you went on vacation. An expectant mom called 13 days ago and she's now overdue and we're waiting for her to go into labor any minute. millie's dad was just diagnosed with prost@ate cancer and her mom is not disclosing her own medical issues and the mister's parents are in town and at their usual tricks."). Our therapist is fantastic! She helped us identify what we need through all this and some concrete ways to be kind to ourselves. She has walked more than a mile in our shoes and that is priceless.

She helped us see how some of the particulars in this situation (staying at the family homestead and the legal concerns) are likely how this family is expressing their fear and concerns much like that recent situation did with names.

We've made progress on the names front. We have two solid full names for a potential girl and are thisclose to a fully baked boy's name in the event the midwife's vision doesn't come to pass.

We still aren't sure how the first days/weeks after the birth will go. To Louise's point (and btw I hope none of you worry about being presumptuous because I enjoy thinking about your questions, truly), I think this family would like time for all of us to bond, in a more expansive way. We all want a similar kind of adoption and this could be a very special time to all be together. I think it's more about bonding our families together than just their bonding with the family. I know I would like to talk more about a transitional period and I'm hopeful that talk will happen. The good thing about this baby taking its (her???) time is that we do have more of a chance to talk through some of this and also to get to know each other.

In our consultant's service many of the families have a co-parenting period. Often the first day or two are spent together then there is some sharing or back-and-forth with the baby. Many of the families we know spend much of the days together and then the baby spends one night with the adoptive parents and the next night with the birthmom. This can go on for a couple of weeks. Sometimes the birthmoms breast feed, other times they pump and still other times the baby is completely formula feed. I know these scenarios are likely very different from what many of you experienced and can be hard to wrap your heads around.

 Most of the other babies are born in hospitals and there are hospital plans in place where the expectant mom expresses her wishes. Our consultant is great at working with the expectant moms to make sure their wishes are verbalized and that everyone (adoptive families, hospital staff, other friends and family) is aware of these wishes. This situation is fairly different because Ms FoodNetwork will only be at the birthing center for a few hours AND she and her mom haven't been open to hearing about how some of this can work.

Honestly at this point we aren't sure of what Ms FoodNetwork wants or that her voice is being heard and that concerns us. Her mom is a strong driving force and has very clear ideas about what she thinks is important. In fact, I think as long as she supports an adoption plan it will happen and she seems to be completely in favor of this adoption happening. I do know that Ms FoodNetwork has been thinking about adoption long before she even told her parents she was pregnant. That is really important to both the mister and I because if we felt that she wanted to parent we would not be moving forward with this.

The mister and I are very much on the same page about that. We're currently thinking we'll stay on the family homestead for a few days and get a hotel room for the remainder of the time. That is for us. We do recognize that we need to take care of us in all of this. And clearly I will need wifi to blog about all of this.

The other complicating factor is that school starts next week. I know Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to miss much school. There might be some other ways we can have a transitional period that might allow her to at least resume part of her life. We're just trying to be flexible about all that.

So this weekend we'll see a couple of movies and perhaps a musical (Wicked, anyone?). I'm going to bake some treats for Ms FoodNetwork (she's requested dairy-free (yogurt ok) and chocolate free...any ideas)? We'll hang out with our friends here. We'll play a little Rock Band. And see what the next few days bring us.

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@jen:Rocks with salt? Yes please!

@jen2: Chug away! We love the local brand around here (Hangar One) in all splendid variations. When you visit, we'll take you on the tour.

@MollyM: LOVE all your suggestions! You rawk! Am printing them out and posting on my fridge. Must remember to take down before next visit.

@luna: Would love to hear your suggestions about transition as well.

@Michell: You are ON for cupcakes! Raspberry vodka with red velvet cupcakes???

@Heather: Zen received. Thanks! Love your excuses as well!

@Becc: Thanks so much for commenting!!!! Thanks for reading as well. I know how hard it can be to delurk and truly appreciate it. Feel free to write or comment anytime.

@Red Headed Momma: You don't make mistakes with anything! I think the side agreement will solve everything. I think it's more important to hear their concerns and acknowledge them and try to show "good faith" in actions and legal things. It's also important for me to hear what's behind this fear and not let it irk me every time I think it's settled. Working hard to be your Zen momma-to-be like I was your Zen-bride (although I suppose it's an oxymoron to work hard to achieve zen anything.Ohmmmmmmmmmmmm).

@Sue: We all use math everyday. Are you and yours watching the Tour of Ireland?

@LutC: Thanks!

@Lousie: Did my explanation make sense? I'm open to other suggestions and always open to feedback/questions.

@Roni: You nailed it: speeding train and anything but all at the same time.

@Pocket: Welcome home! Hope to see you guys soon. Wanna go to cool baby gear sale tomorrow?????

@DeadBug:Saw our mutual doc last week and thought of you. She still has great shoes. She chastised me for going so long between visits.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Blah Blah Blah

So it's still going on, this waiting thing. I don't think I've got much else, really.

Some parts of the waiting are easier and some parts are harder. We thought we'd worked through all the legal issues and arrived at a solution that everybody agreed with but that seems to be back up for grabs.

Without going into too many boring details, it seems inherently problematic to Ms FoodNetwork's family that the law requires relinquishment on their part with legal custody held by another agent (agency or lawyer) until finalization. We thought by doing a more specific kind of adoption with an additional contract specifying what would happen if we did not finalize that everyone would be happy. Our agency sent some necessary forms and some sample forms and let's just say not everyone is happy.

The other thing that we're grappling with is what will happen while we're in the Lonestar State. I've alluded to this in the past but our preferred approach is a longer transitional period than many people might like. We totally support Ms FoodNetwork breastfeeding, if she chooses to do so, and some time co-parenting or all together. In a perfect situation that's what would happen.

Right now there is a lot of talk about a "bonding period" where we'd all hang out. That's great. There is not yet any talk about a transitional period which is something we feel needs to be discussed. We're also not sure how much of this is what Ms. FoodNetwork wants versus other people in her life (family, midwives, etc). So luckily this waiting period is giving us potential opportunities to try to talk through some of these issues as well.

As zen as we're trying to be, the mister and I aren't sleeping much. There's just too much chatter going on in our heads.

We're talking to our consultant nearly every day. And getting tremendous support from many of the other families and birthmoms in her service. THIS is the time when she really shines and we just tell ourselves over and over how grateful we are to have this support and help.

I got a funny call from our consultant this afternoon. She told me we owed her "big time" because she'd just spent over 2 hours on the phone with Grandmom. If you've ever met our consultant you would be shocked to find anyone that can out talk her or even keep up with her! I'm sure there's likely to be a similar call from Grandmom saying much the same thing. ;)

I do think these calls are all helping. We're doing a lot of relationship building and even though Ms. FoodNetwork and her family are turning down many of the resources they're being offered (phone consults with the agency here and attorneys, counseling, support from birthmoms or grandmoms, etc) the mere fact the opportunities are there and the communication lines are open is helping a great deal.

So the waiting continues.

To make things even more interesting the mister's parents arrive for a scheduled 41 hour visit (can you tell how much I'm counting down?). I've been doing the math all day. They're here for 41 hours. I'll go to the gym for 2 hours tomorrow and 2 hours on Friday which gets me to 37 hours. We'll all sleep/be in bed for 6-8 hours tonight and tomorrow night which gets me to 21-25 hours. Showering should take another hour. I have a work conference call tomorrow for an hour as well, two if I'm lucky. Couples therapy (clearly NOT something to be skipped when my in-laws are in town) is 50 minutes plus 20 minutes driving and parking. Their plane is currently 2 hours late. Now we're down to approximately 15 -19 hours, right???? RIGHT???? I can do that. I'm sure I can do that. How hard can that be?

Just send vodka.

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@Michell: Thanks again!

@Elana: Your picked the perfect names, however you ended up with them. Simply perfect. I hope we do as well.

@Aimee:You weren't supposed to be a member of this club either. I haven't read the amazing Pamela's book but know her blog well and got to hang with her last year at Blogher. She is as awesome as she seems. Glad to know it's resonating with you.

@Arsela: Why do people think their input matters on names? I hate everyone has strong opinions. That's part of the reason we've always said we'll simply tell them all when it's a done deal. The last name is gonna be a big deal with the mister's family because it's gonna be mine, not his. My evil SIL did that first (although we planned to long before she did) so at least there's a trend but I know they're going to be pissed.

@Bea: Thanks! Don't think any more than necessary!

@NotOnFire: LOVE your idea! Thanks so much!

@Pamplemousse: He knows you can relate all too well! Love Emma but way to popular here.

@Francine: If only he'd be totally reasonable at all times then we'd never fight. ;)

@MichelleL: Hope you had a fabulous vacation! I knew your youngest's names but must say I like all of them! Thanks for the training warning. I passed it on to the mister and he is now also hoping we get to fly back. At least we'll have plenty of diapers/formula/etc.

@wavybrains: Good thoughts are always appreciated. Thanks!

@Tonya: Thanks! It really is heartbreaking for them. I hope they'll read all these lovely comments and take some solace from them.

@Red Headed Momma: See??? YOU totally get it. Ceasar salad is totally clear and comforting. NO ambiguity whatsoever. He knows how crazy I am about the screws in my electrical sockets. Why should side dishes be any different? Perhaps our men should run off together and we can just plan the perfect meals for each other. I'm sure you of all people would never commit any wedding etiquette faux pas.

@LutC: I tend to just spin myself counterclockwise 10 times then clockwise 10 times. Repeat. That helps maintain a bit of equilibrium. ;)

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, (updated to include) Weeping for My Friends

So the sitting, waiting, wishing part continues on and on. We're getting used to that, trying to live in the present and enjoy this part of the process. I'm trying to not loose my temper with the mister at the drop of a hat. I'm not doing as well on that last part, truth be told.

We're both a ball of nerves. I think all things considered we're doing really well. As long as he doesn't ask me what to get at the grocery store and offer no specific suggestions when we're planning a dinner for friends. Green salad with vegetables? I don't even know what that means. What kind of lettuce/greens? What specific vegetables? What dressing? What fat? Cheese? Fruit? Nuts? WHAT IS A GREEN SALAD???

I wish that was a made up example but I am mortified to say I did completely lose my shit yesterday over just that.

Our lovely friends the game-designing architect and his craft writing/toy designer wife came to dinner. We served our favorite burgers (thank you Jamie O), spicy sweet potato fries, a Cesar salad (nice and specific, don't you think?) and a strawberry rhubarb crumble with vanilla ice cream. Drinks were pitchers of Pimm's Cup (not the plural and all hail Pamplemousse and the Head Banger for supplying the Pimm's).

Then we played a few hours of Rock Band and called it a night. Good clean family fun and an excellent distraction.

Ms FoodNetwork is still very tired and very hot and ready for this to be done. None of that has changed. We're still texting and talking and getting to know each other. I had a lovely chat with her mom this morning and that was very nice for both of us.

Now for the weeping part: a couple of our friends had their hearts broken today. Like so many of us it's been a long, hard road for the Swede and his Yodeling Bride. The Swede and I go way back (well, back to 1999 which is a whole different century, right?) and worked together a lot at our old company. He's the one that started my Yodeling as well. His wife is just absolutely lovely. They've been through the wringer in lots of ways, not the least of it fertility-wise.

Things finally came together for them. The decided they wanted to try a DE cycle and they spent a lot of time finding the perfect donor and coordinating that cycle. We talked to them throughout the process and tried to support them as much as possible. Our heads are really back in those days but I hope we were of some help. The cycle went well. Textbook, even. Lots of great betas, all high and doubling. Off the singleton charts and solidly on the twin charts (yes I also got them hooked on betabase). Their RE referred them to an OB and they had their first ultrasound appointment.

In a perfect world, they should have seen one or two strong heartbeats. This world sucks and there wasn't a heartbeat. Only an embryo that stopped developing a couple of weeks ago.

They are new to this part of it and still trying to be strong and look on the positive. The mister and I are still Extra Bitter and furious at the world for them (just as we've been for far too many people that we care about). I woke up to this news today and the mister and I have cried many tears for them. If we don't leave for a couple of days then I hope to help more concretely as my sisters here have done for me so many times. I had so hoped their journey would be an easier one from here on out. Someone's should be, right?

I can feel all the love and good wishes coming for us and our current situation through the interwebs and it does sustain us. I wish the Swede and his Yodeling Bride could feel that as well.

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@THALIA: You are owed a real email in addition to a reply here. It's only my laziness that kept me focused on the comments from the previous post and in no way at all a reflection of the quality of your comments. Thank you for offering up Horatio but I fear we must pass on that one. ;)

@wavybrains: I guess we're officially matched but not sure? That sounds weird, right? She's only talking to us and committed to us. Thanks so much for the doula information. I think her midwife is also a doula and there will be 3 of them at the birth (or something). I'll pass along the info to Ms FoodNetwork because I'm all about giving her as many resources as possible.

@milenka:Yup, B&J has Smores ice cream. It's awful though. I'm sure you'd hate it. ;) I actually love your kids names. I think they go perfectly together and perfectly with yours.

@francine: Thanks for the recommendation and support. Can't wait until we're using them together recording our kids. Might be taking you up on that excuse.

@jen: I don't even want to think about that heat until it's forced upon me. Here's hoping there are no ac breakdowns while we're in Lonestar State.

@Rebel: I decided to make it as interesting as possible for anyone who went offline even briefly. So not far of me, I totally agree! We don't know the sex yet but will certainly let you know.

@nearlydawn: Thanks for the advice. It is feeling better to be hanging back here, at least for the moment. I do agree that one sling and a bjorn should tide us over.

@michell: Thanks for the company. I think missing the inlaws is too much to even hope for at this point.

@sparkle: Yes please to email the names!

@molly: So good to hear from you!  I don't want to give too much away but you might have just listed one of our very fave names. Great minds and all that.

@RedHeadedMomma: Hayden just confirmed many of my internalized rules and I like using as an example. So how do you feel about babies at weddings? Luckily the grandparents will likely love the excuse to come down. :)

@aimee: OOOOOH! Love your ideas about videotaping the rooms and such. We've mailed photos but will be fun to take some video of all that.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...that's us. I'm listening to a little Jack Johnson and trying to channel my inner zen. The days are seemingly longer and longer.

Yesterday I finally told the guys I'm working with that I might have to jet off to the Lonestar State on very short notice. They're clearly guys because their response was "well, as long as you have wifi you can still work, right?" Our team is fairly dispersed anyway(the technical lead is in Minsk for a few weeks, another key player is in Moscow, the clients are in NJ and NY) so if it was just a trip for some other reason that would be fine. I'm pretty sure there's no way in hell I'll want to lead conference calls or send a lot of stupid emails about search engine optimization or website design. But good to lay the groundwork and initiate the conversation.

Yesterday Whole Paycheck lived up to it's name. Thanks to you guys I picked up some Gripe Water, Almond Oil, assorted Burt's Baby stuff and a can of organic formula. I think it was probably the 4 bottles of white wine and 4 six-packs of expensive beer for our Man of Honor's birthday that really set me back. What says Happy Birthday to a beer loving psychiatrist better than Lobotomy Boch?

Best part of the Whole Paycheck trip? Getting carded. I always like to note the date because each time I think it'll be the last.

Also thanks to Aimee's suggestion and the lovely Francine's help over the phone, the mister and I got a cool but teeny vidocamera last night (the Flip) and we love it.

In my rush to get the carseat cover free from cat hair and drool, I lost one of the teeny tiny pads that covers the bottom buckle. Of course you can't buy just that one teeny tiny pad. So I called the manufacturer and ordered a whole new cover/pad set. Then I called what is now my very favorite baby gear store in the world. I'd recently purchased a travel bag for our stroller (before the call last weekend actually) and had great service with them. It turns out they are located in the very city we hope to fly to soon. And my new bff Gail found an open box return on the same color and has swiped the pad for me. We can pick it (and perhaps some other fun baby gear) up in person when we arrive! Problem solved!

We hadn't talked to Ms FoodNetwork so I thought it would be fun to text a bit (her email is down until Tuesday at the earliest and didn't want to pressure her with a phone call). I don't have mad texting skillz but am not afraid to use emoticons and lol to show I'm not as old as my passport indicates. Her midwife appointment yesterday went well but drained her. She's only 70% effaced (and not sure about dilation) so now they're thinking sometime early next week. Or later next week.

The mister's parents arrive here at 7 pm next Wednesday for 42 hour visit (apparently when you're retired you just don't have time to visit with family for long which as you might guess is hunky dory by me). They're spending the weekend down south for a family wedding that they told us repeatedly we wouldn't be invited to attend (does anyone think a volume or 10 of Miss Manners or Emily Post would even make a dent with them?).

I don't know if I complained about this trip earlier so forgive me if I'm being redundant. But when they scheduled the trip they gave us two options (Wed-Fri this week or Mon-Wed next week) and instructed us we'd each have to take a day off work. Seriously that's what they said "you'll need to take Thursday or Tuesday off". Who does that? I told the mister I didn't think they could afford my billable rate but we'd see once they received their net30 invoice. He thought I was kidding.

With just a little luck we'll only have time enough to see them briefly in the airport. With even more luck we'll miss them by a few hours. I doubt I'm that lucky but we'll see.

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Replies to previous comments (because I'm too lazy to deal with it any other way)

@beagle: I've been thinking a lot about you and yours. So many of his baby clothes are now safely packed and ready to be used! Your son shares his name with this baby's birthfather and I think it'll mean a lot to the family to know that connection.

@K: Bring 'em on! The good, the bad and the ugly.

@Jen: I knew you had excellent taste.

@bonnie: It all started with a baby named Hayden here a few years back for me (and that name does not go at ALL with their last name). Then Aiden got ruined with all that SATC stuff. And Britney with her Jayden. Then too many Cadens. I do like Braeden (epecially yours!) but my DNA boss and another friend have already used it up.

@Carrie: I love love love Baby Name Wizard and Voyager. I've been obsessed with that site for years and think she's done a great job with it. Do you know Nameberry ? That's one of my other fave naming sites.

@julie (I can even do wacky twittering like replies to show off): I hate to inform you that neither of your children break my naming rules. The birth certificate is all important and since you gave your eldest a non-nickname name there then that is peachy keen with me. Your youngest qualifies under the Social Security Popularity Index because it hasn't broken the top 20 although it's rated very highly around our neck of the woods. Try harder with #3. ;)

@michele: Thanks!!!

@Aimee: Got a videocamera now thanks to you and F! It's really hard to come up with 2 names we like.

@Pamplemousse: Bring on the names! It wasn't nearly as much fun to shop without you and I probably did an awful job of it.

@daisy mae: So far about 36 lbs and holding. I've been stuck on a plateau for a few months but hope to see the needle heading down again. I'd like to lose another 11 lbs at least but if I can just stay where I am that's better than before, right?

@amys:William is also a family name but not one the mister likes too much.

@arsela: Thanks for all the tips! I'll definitely bring more wipes and lotion for my hands. If the baby is very overdue I've read that their skin can be dry and cracking but we'll see if that comes to pass.

@wavybrains: Trying to be good about updating and it helps keep the nerves down.

@kimmie: Still here. Enjoying your lovely photos of where you are. I bought Ben and Jerry's Smores ice cream yesterday because of one.

Another Day, Another Update

So today seemed to go in slow motion. I slept in and skipped the gym (shhhhh, please don't tell on me). I suppose it's technically considered sleeping in because I didn't get up until 8:30 but I didn't get to sleep until after 3 so it's not like I was laying about all day.

We talked to Ms FoodNetwork before the mister went to work. She'd had some false labor last night but not too much else was going on. She has another appointment with her midwife tomorrow so we'll get an update after that.  Her dad is convinced that tonight is the night because there's a strong Oaktown-TX connection (aka our hometown football team is hosting that TX team with the cheerleaders). It's funny because none of us are football fans but are looking for connections anywhere and everywhere at this point.

We also talked more about names. I thought I'd written about all my various rules for naming but that was back before the May Days of Drama as we like to call it around here.

I've said before I have a lot of parameters for names that I like. I'm sure none of you are surprised by that, if you've read me for very long (especially if you know me IRL). I'm posting my rules here in the spirit of fun, please don't take offense if your favorite names break all my rules. It just means there won't be an overlap between us and no one will get hurt feelings about losing out on a name they love.

So without further adieu here are Millie's Wacky Naming Rules:

• Must be a real name, not a made up name.
• Must not originate from taking various syllables of names and combining them. Most definitely not spelling anything backwards.
• Could be spelled backwards in the case of RedRum but that breaks the first rule so no RedRum.
• Must not be a nickname. Jack is a great nickname but is not a name. Same for Maggie.
• Must be easy to pronounce and spell by most Americans. As much as I love Scottish/Celtic names and/or Swedish names we live in the US and not Scotland or Sweden.
• Must go nicely with the last name which is my surname and very well known all around the world and very typically Scottish (or Irish according to my former team over there).
• Must be spelled normally (not some wacky spelling just to be "different").
• Must not be too popular. Can't be in Top 10 for US names and prefer that it's not top 20. So no Isabella, Madison, Sophia, Caitlyn, Emma, etc for girls and no Jacob, Ethan, etc for boys.
• Must not end in super trendy combinations (anything with -ella for girls and -aden for boys).
• Can not be a boy's name co-opted for use on a girl (although I loved it in some of my favorite tv shows like Sisters and Alias).
• Bonus points if it ties into one of our family names, even if it's just the first letter.
• First letters of important family members: A,J, M, W, N, H,C, I, E, S
• Bonus points if it's a somewhat classic/old fashioned name that isn't too old fashioned. Or too popular.

Luckily for me the mister nods his head and smiles. He seems to go along with it all.

Packing/Stuff Update to yesterday's post:

I do have a sling of my own (Hotsling in a fab pattern) and a Baby Bjorn from my next door neighbor and both are now packed! I meant to include them on the list but was clearly brain dead. I'm hoping to add additional baby wearing devices (moby, mei teis, etc) to my arsenal at some point.

I've got some tiny little hats and socks and mittens. Some kimono wrap shirts and some lap gowns. Pacifiers and a collection of little bottles. All the baby stuff is packed in packing cubes and stuffed into the pram which is now inside the body bag. Camera is recharged and ready to go. We don't have a camcorder (but perhaps it's time to upgrade my iPhone...it's so 12 months ago). So far so good!

I do need to pick up some gripe water and various ointments. The reading light is a great suggestion as well. I have a couple of baby books packed too. I need to charge my Sony Reader as well. I even bought a new summer wardrobe in under 14 minutes so I can survive the TX heat. Imagine my surprise, er utter shock, when the saleslady suggested medium. And they fit! I am hardly in danger of being the skinny bitch with the baby but I do have the second part down. ;)

Tune in tomorrow for another episode...

Chugging Away

So far we're still here at home. The mister and I are getting antsy and just want to head east. Things are still chugging away and moving forward but it looks like we need to learn a little patience. It's safe to say that's neither of our strong suits these days.

The social worker visit was fine. She seems really cool (our last SW left our agency just after completing our home study). Not much has changed for us since the original report so she was only here for about half an hour.

Our consultant totally came through for us. TOTALLY. We're reminding on a daily basis of why we chose her. THIS is where she shines. She talked to one of her bffs who is a local well-respected adoption attorney and who is recommending a slightly different way of doing things. It's a way that protects the birthmom's rights so that the state or agency can't give custody to anyone besides the chosen family. All the Lonestar folks like this approach and are very happy to get less involvement from the state, no power to any agencies and rights protected all around. Yay for our consultant!

If we didn't have our consultant it's very likely this potential adoption would be going sideways.

All that being said, it's still 50/50. We repeat that to ourselves and our friends and families a lot right now. Last minute = 50/50.

We're chomping at the bit to get to the Lonestar State but we don't want to impose or pressure anyone. Honestly we're not getting any work done here and it would be more fun to be not getting any work done there. It's a city we've always wanted to visit and we could just go and explore some. Ms FoodNetwork doesn't want to have us just waiting around waiting there which could be her way of saying she's not ready to have us there and that's totally cool.

But it sure would be nice to be able to do some more relationship building in person. It really could be another week until the baby comes. We're taking it day by day.

I am trying to keep busy but it's sooooo hard. I'm still going to my morning gym class but I have no focus. I also injured my back/ribs/obliques/something a couple of weeks ago rowing and now I'm relegated to biking only. It's much harder for me to concentrate on the bike (I don't get as many lovely numbers that scream YOU AREN'T CONCENTRATING as I do on the erg). Between the lack of sleep and lack of focus it makes for an unsatisfying workout and a somewhat cranky millie. Though I do think the workouts are helping keep me sane through all the craziness of this year (or at least saner than I would be if I weren't working my butt off).

And now for a funny (at least to me) story of how poorly my brain is currently working:

I decided to wash the car seat cover today. Actually the cat helped with that decision (or more precisely the cat drool). The mister and I struggled to get the seat cover off. The manual said it was easy. The internet said it was easy. We could get it almost off, save for one stupid buckle that was sewed completely on both ends.

So today I made the trek to the combination kids gear/squash shop where I bought my lovely lemonade car seat a year ago. It took two bridges and one very crooked street to get there. The kids gear/squash man couldn't get it off either. He tried and determined it was impossible and I should dump the whole thing in a bucket of oxyclean. I was very disappointed that my expensive European car seat was so difficult.

I stopped by another store on my way home (before the 3rd and final bridge of the day) and checked out their model. It was easy peasy to take the cover off on it. I figured mine was just the earliest US incarnation and had the wrong piece in the wrong place. I got home and tried to explain that to the mister and showed him where the other one was different.

Only the other one wasn't different at all. By just squeezing some material I was able to get it off! And in the washing machine, on the handwash cycle with a lovely rice milk scented baby detergent. It's now super clean and super spiffy.

I'll use that as a segue* to my list of things we're planning to take with us. Feel free to chime in and add or subtract things from my list. Or offer up any other travel assvice. Srsly.

• Sparkling clean lemonade-colored infant car seat (that is actually more lime but what do the Dutch know about citrus?)
• Stroller base
• Pram attachment for stroller (can also be used separately as bassinette) for nice, flat place for baby to sleep
• Super lightweight muslin swaddlers + couple of other swaddlers
• Onesies and lap gowns
• Tiny socks and mittens
• Pacifiers
• Burp Cloths
• Bottles (dropins for the train)

I'm thinking we'll just get some diapers, formula, and other stuff there. We had to buy a body-sized duffle bag to fit the pram and we can just pack the baby stuff in smaller packit cubes and fill the pram with that.

So what else do I need for a week or so in Lonestar state and 2-3 days on the train?

*Am I the only one that things "segue" looks totally misspelled thanks to that goofy scooter?

Time for Quick Update

Things are continuing to move at lightening speed here. Since we last chatted we were able to get our fingerprints done yesterday. We also scheduled our home visit for today (yikes!) and wrangled up our house-cleaner and wayward landscaper to help make the house a teeny tiny bit presentable.

We also had a long conference call with our consultant and Ms FoodNetwork's mom. If you've ever met our consultant, you know she likes to talk. So does Ms FoodNetwork's mom. Even though Mom was hesitant to talk to our consultant they really hit it off. We heard her concerns (none of which are about us but more about an agency or a lawyer having legal custody of the baby until finalization) and discussed some possible ways of mitigating her concerns and protecting the baby and birthfamilies's rights.

We were completely exhausted after the 2 hour marathon conference call. But really pleased that things are definitely in motion.

We went out for a quick sushi and sake celebratory dinner and then tried to watch an episode of The Wire (Season 3, Episode 1). We were both so drained that we dozed off an on during the show and finally plopped into bed at the late hour of 9 pm.

We've been on fast forward all day today getting the house ready and making phone calls. The social worker is due any minute. I'm sure it will go fine. Then we'll call the Ms FoodNetwork and catch up on her day. With a little luck we'll be on a plane headed east by Thursday at the latest.

I'll post again after the visit with some advice questions regarding travel specifics.

Sorry to keep y'all waiting today! Thanks for all the support and good wishes. You're the best. Really you are.

Just Another Manic Monday

Do you see smoke? If so, I think it's likely our phone lines smoking from all the use this weekend and today.

It truly is a manic Monday around here.

I've been on the phone so far to our local agency, a local attorney and two attorneys and one agency in the Lone Star state (home of Ms Food Network). We're also trying to relationship build with Ms FoodNetwork and her family. Many pictures have been shared and we're starting to talk names.

Of course nothing is going to be easy. It turns out we need FBI fingerprints and clearance not just Department of Justice. Some states require them. So we're doing a walk-in today and hoping for the best.

We also need another home visit and report for the Lone Star state. That's likely to set us back a little under 1k. With a lot of luck we can schedule it for tomorrow. With even more luck we can get the house close to acceptable (and far from the pig sty it is now).

The other situations are all on hold for now. We're frantically trying to figure out if all this is doable. Our pet-sitter is available and on hold. We've been poring over the train schedules and that seems fairly doable (as long as we get some kind of a bedroom) but we're honestly hoping if this works out that a plane gets more appealing to the other family.

Luckily we have most things that we need. Car-seat? Check. Sling? Check. Miracle blanket? Check. Flask? Check and check.

Ms FoodNetwork and her mom were meeting with their family lawyer today. We're totally comfortable with them having their own representation but we really want a qualified adoption specialist (aka quad A lawyer) especially since the Lone Star state has a lot of specific requirements.

We should know by tomorrow if we're flying out this week. Even though it's super frantic around here, that's not a lot of time to worry.

Ok. Off to clean out the fridge and tackle the kitchen.

And it always goes on and on and on and on and on

So I promised a post sooner rather than later. I have had good intentions. Truly I have.

I've been working on a post listing some of the potential complications in some of the situations. I'd love to get feedback from y'all. I'm just going to kind of list the things that are involved but not tie them to the particular situations they represent. I don't want to get too specific as things relate to any particular expectant mom.

So, without further adieu:

• Expectant mom is Hepatitis C+ but HIV- (no treatment for Hep C and never acute phase).
• Expectant mom is long time drug user, other children born addicted to opiates but are fine now (no learning disabilities/ADHD/other effects), used cocaine early in pregnancy but clean for 5 months/never uses alcohol.
• Biological dad died in car accident and no medical history information for him (and not sure it can be verified).
• Expectant mom is 40 and no prenatal testing has been done.
• Expectant mom is currently incarcerated on drug related charges.
• Expectant mom is getting no support from her parents (who she lives with) or her ex-boyfriend, all of whom are trying to prevent adoption.
• Expectant mom placed another child in open adoption and extended family had good relationship with that child. There would be the possibility for relationship with the sibling and adoptive family as well as extended birthfamily.
• Expectant mom smokes heavily (2 packs per day).
• Expectant mom had no access to prenatal care until 8 months but baby appears fine and healthy.

I'd love to hear from folks who've dealt with some of these factors. Please feel free to email me privately.

I got home from the gym a few days ago and the mister was on the phone with yet another expectant mom. It's a bit overwhelming how many leads we have right now but what a great problem to have, right?

The mister and I have been working hard to get the nursery completed. The fresh paint job was completed a week ago. The floors were refinished this week. We were so excited to move all the crap nice baby furniture today. In fact, that's all we planned to do this weekend. Well put up the expensive curtain rods from that store that Emily/Scrambled Eggs used to write so much about AND move the stuff back in.

Our phone rang right in the middle of our brunch. It was the expectant mom who loves her Food Network that we talked to six weeks ago. She wanted to see if we'd matched with anyone yet. She'd been working with another couple but it became clear to her that they hadn't deal with their infertility and their lawyer was being incredibly aggressive. Her mom had a lot of questions for us. We both talked to her mom for a couple of hours. Then we talked to our consultant and other folks. We talked to the expectant mom again tonight and will be burning up the phone lines again tomorrow morning.

She's due on Tuesday. Like in a couple of days this coming TUESDAY. But she thinks the baby won't come until Wednesday or Thursday. OMG. OMG. OMG. (we said a lot of that around our house today). OMFG.

There's a lot to work out between now and then but we might be heading on a very long road trip (her mom doesn't want the baby to fly when it's so little) or flying out and renting a car to drive back or taking the train back or whatever we have to do.

So the last complicating factor would be an expectant mom who's about to pop but wants us to be there at the birth and she lives 1759 miles away. Has anyone driven that distance with a one week old? Hypothetically speaking, that is.

Thanks for all the lovely comments and thanks to all of you that check in on me. Truly.

PS To Sue: my very very fave sprinter is the amazing Aussie himself: Robbie Mc.Ewan. Lurve him so much. He's the reason I joined Twitter. And Robbie Hunter of South Africa. But this year the Man from the Isle of Man won my heart (and 6 stages!) and I was rooting very hard for Tyler. For GCs my heart belongs to VdV. And Levi. Even LA is up in my estimation after this year. Who do you like?

PPS To Oro: For real. WTF was up with Alberto? I loved Lance's tweets about him after the race. My respect for AC plummeted.

PPPS To Chris: Move away from my windows, lady, or I will call the cops.