Out, damned egg! Out I say!

I should be outside enjoying this weather

Good grief but the weather here this weekend is gorgeous. Just spectacular. It's in the low 80s and sunny. My plan was to spend as much time outside as possible. Instead, I'm still in my pjs on our formerly comfy couch.

It's been a catch up kind of weekend around here. Last weekend was all about taxes. It was a rough one. When you're a self-employed consultant who's never committed to setting up your own business, you pay every April 15. And pay and pay and pay (actually I pay every quarter but this one is always the worst). I'm hoping to decide between an LLC and an S Corp in the next week or two and finally get off my duff. If this means anything to any of you and you have assvice/input/horror stories please feel free to email me. I could use all the help I can get about now.

What I really planned to write about here was one of the bumps in this potential adoption. I'm not sure it's really a true bump but it does complicate things a bit and we're not sure how it's going to play out. I'm also struggling with how much and what I want to write about here so bear with me as I struggle through this.

It's about the biological dad. That's the term I'm going to use because that's the language NHL uses. It's about him and it's about the two of them.

I think it's likely very common to have issues between the biological parents in a potential adoption situation. In fact, it's probably the norm. I know in other situations we didn't have much information to go on so that would be easier in some respects (terminating rights) but much harder in others (we really want to include as much of biofamily as possible).

I know it's not uncommon that a biodad will leave once there's a pregnancy. Many of the birthmoms I know were very upset during their pregnancies because they didn't get the kind of support they wanted/hoped for from the biodads for a variety of reasons.

That's certainly part of this situation. But this biodad wasn't given much of a chance to provide any support either. I can understand why he's shocked and surprised to find out that NHL is pursuing an adoption plan. He was lied to for months and that's a tough thing to find out.

Right now we're in the middle of all this. NHL has asked us to go along with not naming the biodad on the birth certificate. We've explained to her why that is unethical and wrong and we would not move forward with her if she felt that way. She's also asked us to promise that he wouldn't have contact with the baby. I can understand why that feels unfair to her but that is not a promise either of us would make for a number of reasons.

We can see a path where we develop a relationship with him that is separate from our relationship with NHL. She can't see that. I do understand that. She feels like he has no rights because he didn't support her in the way she wanted/hoped for from the beginning. I understand that as well.

In our minds, it's about what's best for the baby. There are many reasons why we think it's important to forge a relationship with the biodad. We'd feel that way in any situation because in our perfect situation our children will know as much of their biofamily as possible. I think in this particular situation it's even more important because this baby is biracial. I especially want her to know the side of her family that has a different heritage from NHL (and us). There are also half-siblings involved and that contact is not something I want to deny any child of mine.

We knew there would be challenges in any situation. We're moving forward as best as we can. This is where our consultant is so great and truly earning her keep. She's dealt with these situations time and time again. She'll make sure that we all proceed in an ethical manner and that no one's rights will be trampled on. I know there are lawyers and adoption "professionals" who would encourage NHL to lie and then terminate parental rights however possible. I'm so very glad that group doesn't include our consultant.

I'm sure there will be a lot more to come about this. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who's dealt with similar situations. We're trying to find a balance here of supporting NHL while trying to feel out the other side and just navigate through all of this

Weekend in New England: Finally The Recap!

I know. I know. I KNOW.

I've been back for a week and all I talked about here is basketball. Please forgive me.

I'll cut to the chase: our trip was wonderful. It was amazing, exhilarating, intense and exhausting all at once. I can't believe it's already been a week since we returned. I can't believe it's only been a week since we've returned.

It really was a whirlwind trip. We left super early on Friday morning. One in-flight movie and a couple of episodes of The Office and we landed in Boston. (The last person I want on my case is the lovely daisy mae: I only called it Bean Town in that other post because it worked so nicely as a foil against Mo-Town. PROMISE!) We actually packed light (for once!) so we quickly picked up our car (thank you, thank you, Gold Service) and headed north.

We make it to our lovely b&b in a very quaint town in record time. We had a brief nap and freshened up. Then it was time to meet NHL. She wanted to try a nearby Thai restaurant and we're always in the mood for Thai, so what could be better, right?

Now, I really must digress. You know sometimes you meet people that you've felt you've known your whole life? Maybe you're internet friends and you've emailed and talked on the phone but not yet met in person? Or maybe it's just me. I've had a lot of experiences like that. There are a lot of folks from Wedding Land that I met after much internet discussion. Usually it was ok. Sometimes it was great the great from the very first time we met IRL and we couldn't stop talking for hours and hours(I'm looking at you Aimee and Bebe and the one formerly known as FirstTimer; and Emily and InAHoldingPattern/FinallyArrived and Anna H and Scrambled Eggs and all you NC gals from Blog Land).

And even more rarely it's just so incredibly easy and natural and just so very right you know that's just how it was always supposed to be? Like when I showed up on Liana's (teendoc's) doorstep all those years ago and now I can barely comprehend that was actually the first time we "met" in person.*

Yeah, it was like that. NHL is family. Whatever happens going forward, she is part of us. It was great. We talked for hours. We had a few things to share with her including some books from our consultant and some cookies I baked for her.

We met early the next morning for the ultrasound and regular appointment. It was amazing. Truly amazing. We were so honored to be invited to share such an incredible experience. We saw the fetus in such incredible detail: every vertebrae, the bladder, all 4 chamber of the heart, a tiny foot.

The midwife was really great too. She answered all NHL's questions and said she was doing great. They can continue her Saturday appointments for a while which works great for NHL's job. All is going smoothly with the pregnancy and NHL and the baby are both in great hands.

After the appointment we went out for a leisurely breakfast and some shopping on Main Street. It was just great hanging out and all getting to know each other. Then we took a bit of a break. We all needed naps before dinner.

We met closer to NHL's home for a lovely dinner overlooking a pond. Dinner was nice but it started to cut into basketball time. I'm serious. I had warned NHL that I was obsessed and there was a game. I wasn't sure I wanted her to see just how fanatic of a fan I really was but figured she should see us warts and all.

Even with the warning, she was a bit stunned. She stayed for part of the first half but then it was past her bedtime so she headed for home. It was past mine as well but there was round ball to be played.

The mister and I had a more leisurely morning on Sunday. We enjoyed the nice breakfast at our b and b and then checked out a possible longer term rental for the fall. Then we met up with NHL for a brief visit. We got to see her home and take a few photos. So nice!

We headed to the Big City and a short visit with a friend of mine from my geeky high school. It was so great to visit with him and his family. His wife is also an incredible midwife who is very connected in that area. She embarrassed their oldest, reminding him that I was there when they took him on his very first march! He was only 6 week old and one of the youngest activists on the mall for a large ProChoice march back in the day. Yes he's driving now and applying to colleges (he was more interested in talking about his rowing with me than his activist infant-hood). It's nice to have local folks who are super supportive about this next chapter of our life.

The flight home was easy as well. We got 2 movies (TWO!) including one we wanted to see (Frost/Nixon) and one we didn't know we wanted to see but still enjoyed (7 Pounds). It was pretty late when we finally made it home to our dogs and cat but they were glad to see us.

There are more plans with NHL. We're hoping she'll take us up on our offer to head west in a few months and visit us and attend one of our crazy monthly meetings with our consultant. She's invited me to be her labor coach and signed us up for an all day birthing class in July. We've put down a (refundable) deposit on a lovely in-law apartment in Quaint Town, overlooking the river and just down from Main Streets for a month at the end of the summer/beginning of the school year. We're not officially matched (that can't happen until she's 28 weeks or so) but still getting to know each other and enjoying the process and journey.

Oh by the way, the mister and I are working on our list of girl names. The NHL was convinced before the ultrasound that she was pregnant with a boy but it turns out she's not. It's a feisty, future soccer-playing, very strong girl in there. There's still time to get used to the idea that it's a girl.

There's a lot that can happen in the next few months. We're not assuming this girl will be our girl. We firmly believe that NHL will need to remake her decision after birth and we need to give her the space and support to freely do just that. But for now we're moving forward and trying to navigate this particular ambiguity. That's all good. There have already been some bumps this last week and I'm struggling with what I will and won't write about here. But, for now, we're just living day to day and trying to do the best that we can.

And we are working on that list of girl names.

*For those of you that don't know, that's how I met teendoc the first time. She (and her Adoring Husband) took me in at a crucial time for me. We cycled together at the same clinic at the same time. It was also a pivotal time for her for a lot of reasons. Even though that cycle didn't work for either of us from a baby perspective, it certainly added a very important person to my family.

It's been a long 12, make that 16, years

I know if you're reading this, you're likely hoping for an update on our trip. That is coming. I promise you.

But today there is only one thing I can write about. My boys in blue did an awesome job last night. They played with heart and focus and a passion that is unbelievable. They did it as a team and that game is truly one for the record books.

I have learned to live as an Expat here. Most of the locals don't really get me when it comes to my own basketball obsession. That's ok. We've carved out a niche and found a place where it feels good and right to watch our team. A place where they bring in barbecue and play Jump Around before the game and we all pretend we're thousands of miles away.

Last night was no different. The bar was filled with folks in that lovely shade of light blue. The only green shirts celebrated our Green Light. There were new grads and very old grads like me. We drank from Big Blue Cups. We sang our cheers. We watched a truly great game. We substituted the Haight for Franklin Street. It was a very beautiful thing.

And yet it was almost as sad for me as it was 4 years ago. Back then this blog was still somewhat new and I wasn't nearly as bitter as I am today, but that linked post still captures so much of what I felt last night and today. It's just so bittersweet. It's been nearly 16 years since my voice was on Franklin St, yelling and celebrating with my bff. I still miss her so very much. She should have been with us last night.

I'll be back very soon with a long update about our weekend. I promise. It was great. Really great. Exhausting and exhilarating all at the same time.

But today I raise my Big Blue Cup to all the friends that should still be here to celebrate.

*Now if you're not one of us you might have found it boring or a bit lopsided but that was all vindication for  the slanderous things said about us throughout the season: can't play defense, Psycho T isn't emotional, Ty's toe will slow us down, overrated, etc.