Out, damned egg! Out I say!

Super Quick Update

I'm running around today trying to get ready for a Halloween party the mister and I decided to host. I still have a ton of things to make/do but wanted to at least offer a brief update. Y'all are too kind to keep checking when I am one of the worst posters lately.

Dinner was great. This NPL (perhaps I'll call her TNPL for a bit) is super nice (much like the last one) and we really really like her. She really really likes us as well. I think she had memorized our profile. She knew every word of it (down to the color of our kitchen which we mention in our profile).

We also met her mom briefly which was great. They live a little more than an hour north of us in a town we drove through a lot when we were going to and from the river.

TNPL  is from a country we love and spent a few weeks in about 6 years ago. I think it's very interesting that both NPLs we've really talked to are from another country. I'm not sure it's very typical but it did give us a lot to talk about!

Dinner went great. There was a lot of talking. There were a few awkward pauses. I'm sure that's all to be expected. She wants to move forward with us. We're not sure how this will all work but we said we'd love to do that and get to know her over the next bit. She's due in January!

So that's where we are. Right now we're hoping for more dinners or lunches or video game marathons or whatever TNPL would like to do to get to know each other.

It Got Better

I haven't written much about our monthly adoption meetings lately. We didn't go for a couple of months for obvious reasons (at least obvious to us). We didn't want to have our first check-in back with NPL in attendance. We wanted to give her the space and the support of the group when she needed it the most. We never want her to hear what we had to say about our experiences with Mrs. Vulture-Hag and her over-the-top aggressive lawyer. So we skipped June. And then we skipped July when they were all there with the new baby. There wasn't an August meeting, thanks to Labor Day but there were two in September and we went to both. And we made it to October's meeting last weekend.

And it's been really good.

We missed seeing the other people in the group. It was so awesome to see some recent successes. One of our very favorite couples was there with their brand new daughter last weekend.

We also got to hear some stories both shocked us and helped prepare us for the future. Our consultant talked about a couple of recent experiences with social workers who are too new and too green and just don't "get it". One of them in particular had a young woman in tears. Ms Consultant is a kick-ass advocate for the expectant moms she works with and for prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) in the midst of difficult situations. We remembered why we chose her.

I know many of you have questioned having both expectant moms and PAPs at these meetings. I honestly feel this is a really good thing. The last meeting was an example of how nice this can be for all. I think that very few expectant moms have the chance to have a strong network of other expectant moms/birthmoms. I know how much support I get from my friends who have been down this path. It's tremendously important to me and I am so very grateful to have that.

At the last meeting there was one expectant mom (due in a week or so) and 4 birthmoms with kids ranging from 5 years to 2 months. The very pregnant girl is very scared about a lot of things and who can blame her? And she had a chance to talk for a long time 1:1 with some very supportive women who have truly been there. She's in counseling (another great thing about the service) but having some sisters of the heart is incredibly powerful.

The last meeting was also a bit surreal because there was a camera crew from that music television channel. They're doing an in-depth program on teen pregnancy that will air next spring. The camera crew was fairly unobtrusive. Maybe we'll all be video stars next year.

I started this post planning only to write about how nice the last few meetings have been for us and how much better we're feeling about things. There's even more to feel better about today. We got a call yesterday from a nice pregnant lady. She's talked to our consultant a couple of times and was sent our profile. She really liked it. She's very interested in meeting us as soon as possible. So we're having dinner with her tonight! Now I'm off to bake some treats for our party tomorrow night and that will give me something to take to this nice pregnant lady.

The Name On Everybody's Lips

Each of my dogs has a theme song. My older dog's song is from the amazing L@ura L0ve. It's called Woe is Me and the mister and I have often sung it to her when her life seemed hard (at least when she thought her life was hard...say we were only willing to play an hour or two of frisbee). She knows it's her song and she even likes to sing along. We even included it on our wedding cd.

Our younger dog's name came with a song. Since she was named after a character in a musical it was a done deal. And no, she doesn't wear a lavaliere that goes all the way down to her chest.

Lately our Older Dog has way too much woe in her life. And our Younger Dog has as well.

A brief recap for those of you lucky enough to miss the drama the first time around: Younger Dog nearly died due to poisoned dog food when she was 10/11 months old. In fact, she's one of the only survivors. It caused severe liver failure, re-hardwired her brain and made her much more susceptible to stress. She would attack Older Dog without provocation. She's never attacked any other dog or person. She's normally a super sweet dog. She's a 48 pound lap puppy. She lets the kitten attack her. She loves to curl up right next to you. She's just super sensitive.

When the inter-dog aggression began we sought help right away. We had a trainer for about 2 years. We kept our dogs separated in our very small house except when we were training them or on walks that entire time. The mister and I became experts at moving the dogs through the house, closing one door and opening another. It was a long haul but it seemed to help.

The dogs have been getting along really well for the past few years. We know how to structure the environment and we do that. They're together most of the time and all was pretty ok. Until the river.

It was just too much change for Younger Dog. She really doesn't handle change well. Older Dog has always been really adaptable and she's lived in a variety of houses and traveled more than some people I know. Younger Dog has only lived in this house. The river totally stressed her out. There were 2 fights that sent us to the emergency vet. Both dogs have scars on their cheeks. We were hoping it would get better when we got back home and back to our normal routine.

While we were on our trip to the great state of North Carolina we got a call from our pet-sitter. There had been another fight. It took both the pet-sitter and her boyfriend to break it up. The dogs were ok but everyone was shaken.

Since we've been home we've worked hard to address the situation. Younger dog spends much of her time in a wire crate in our living room (so we're all together). We're keeping them separate when we're not home. I thought we should consider anti-anxiety/anti-depressants so I consulted our vet. Thanks to our vet we know have an appointment next week at the vet school a couple of hours away. They have some amazing behaviorists and we have to fill out a 14 page intake form, submit all medical records (her file is several inches thick thanks to the dog food poisoning) and it will be a 3 hour evaluation with both dogs.

This morning was another fight, thankfully brief. Usually we know what sets them off but there was nothing at all today that we could pinpoint.

Our Older Dog is getting much older (she's 12 now). She's going deaf and startles more easily. Unfortunately that's one of the things that triggers Younger Dog.

We're really pulling out all the stops and trying everything but this is breaking our hearts. We might have to find another home for Younger Dog and that is just too hard to even type.

Last week we went to our monthly drop-in adoption support group. It's a group for waiting couples and is run by one or two adoptive moms, depending. It's a small group and often has some of the same folks so it's very nice. Our dogs were weighing heavily on our minds and everyone in the group was a dog lover so we talked about it a bit.

The leader told us about having to find another home for one of her dogs. About how it broke her heart. About how one of her kid's birthfamilies took the dog in and it was a great situation but it hurt so much to see pics of the dog doing well and to have visits and have to leave all over again. About the pain of knowing it was the right decision but there was so much grief and it took a long time to get through.

And how it gave her a kind of insight and awareness and opened up a new level of empathy for what it was like for her kids' birthfamilies.* And how if we end up having to find another home for our dog it would do the same for us.

While I"m holding onto some hope there will be some thing that works for us and we don't have to split our family up, I'm also wondering a bit if this is another part of our journey. I really really really hope it isn't, but thinking about it this way makes it somewhat easier to at least consider.

*Please understand that we all know this is only a teeny tiny bit of what any birthfamily must go through when grappling with their decisions. I'm not saying it's the remotely the same to place a dog into a new home as a child but for the support leader (and for us) there are similar stages and feelings that will make us more empathetic in the future.

Back to Real Life

We're finally back in Oaktown for the near future at least. I've got a lot to say but am going to try to do it in small pieces instead of all at once. I swear!

I've been doing a lot of processing about where we are in the process and I think some of that will make it's way here. I also just returned from a long trip home and my 25th high school reunion. The mister and I were lucky enough to share some vittles with the Accidental Housewife and Southern Suds and Lather. There was one extra adult to the the three toddlers so it all worked out pretty well.

My reunion was fun but somewhat sparsely attended. It did mean I got to spend loads of time with the folks who were there and that was a treat. The last reunion was pretty hard for me.  It was only a couple of months after my  High FSH diagnosis and I was really raw. Nothing like being surrounded by small kids and getting asked about babies nonstop to make a gal feel hopeless. There was, however, a bright spot back then: one of my good friend's wives shared her IVF story with me and they have both been a great support during our long haul.

This reunion was much, much easier. I think it helps that we're so far along this adoption process.The money and time spent on therapy and grieving our various losses were good as well. But what helped the most was finding a couple of kindred spirits amongst my classmates. One was there with the daughter she brought home from China just a few months ago. Another was there with her brand new, gorgeous daughter who came to her though an open adoption. It made me very sad to realize we were in the same spot five years ago and neither of us knew it. That awful isolating part of infertility.

But both the mister and I were so very thrilled and happy to see The Professor with her girl. It was nice to have someone there who truly got it and even nicer to see what we hope is a tiny glimpse into our future. She's a longtime blog reader and read all the classics. Now I'm hoping she'll follow along here.

In other news our adoption site is finally truly live! I think I've sent the link to almost everyone who's asked but if I missed you please let me know. The site is linked to several other parenty profiley sites and we're counting the hits. There's one big site that is off limits to us because we live in CA but that's ok with us because they discriminate and we don't like that.

We've gotten our first African scams as well as one phone call from an emotional scammer. Not to worry, we've been well prepared for both of these situations and that's yet another thing I'll write about shortly.

We did get a hit from Wasilla AK and I have the screenshots to prove it. The mister thinks it's Todd trying to make things better for his daughter. My money is on a certain redneck named Levi dreaming of a way out for himself. Seriously how many other people in Wasilla would be looking for adoptive parents right now?